Have sex with him…I hate when people’s first reaction is leave…If he works days of course he isn’t going to want to do night feedings…get a babysitter on a weekend and go out to dinner go home and have sex…trust me a man that feels appreciated wants to help more…sex is like candy to a child and let’s face it …men are children!!!
Smh he is their father. Take a vacation. Leave him in charge. Tell him you are going to chill.
He won’t ever help. He is living in the 50s
No amount of councilig is going to help with men like that
Create an independent world for yourself he things haven a family is to much for him well you can divorce him make him pay for childsupport you can even make him pay for alimony and make him pay your attorney fees let see how his ass acts then
You need to be happy
relationships start at day 1 with kids I told my hubby if u want a relationship u need to start at day 1 not age 5 etc. they help make the kids it should be a team work raising the kids. I’m sorry he’s acting like that heneedsa good kick in the butt
Was the kids your idea or his or both? I think you need to sit down and have a serious talk with your husband or even try counciling. Tell him how you feel, how you feel like a servant or a slave that you understand that he’s had a long day at work but you have too and unlike him your work day is 24/7 and it is exhausting
You say NO! You “just let ME chill”.
So in my home, I’m the one that works and my husband stays home. He is also a disabled veteran so he doesn’t clean or do laundry while I’m gone during the day because of his back and stomach issues. I try not to get upset with him but sometimes I do, cause I’m human… Anyway! On the days I don’t work from home, I give him a kiss, hug and kiss my son and I have a set boundary of no bugging me for at least 30 minutes. Anytime my husband comes and bothers me during that 30 minute time frame, I add a minute. It’s my time to unwind from a stressful day. Once the 30 minutes are up, I start making dinner or tidying up with his help. Maybe it’s something you’ll be open to trying? Compromising by giving him time to “chill” and do nothing for a bit then start having him help with the kids or whatever else needs tending to.
If you have already tried bringing this up to him, he’s probably not going to change. I would take one day that he is home and just leave… go shopping, or whatever it is that you like to do and leave him with the kids. Give him a little taste of what you deal with all day and see how he feels when you get back home.
As a mom of 4 I do everything at home and with the kids. But I do get breaks on the weekend. My husband gets up and gone 5 to 5 it’s rough that’s why he gives me the one day of the weekend and he takes the other so he can relax. We work together because he knows mine is also a full time job that not paid except with hugs and kisses. So maybe you can see if he willing to do that’s that equal time to chill you also can stop doing everything for him and say I not his mother so he do everything for his self it be a load off you for the time being
I understand you have talked to him, but talk again. Show him how serious you are. Let him know hes loseing you. Tell him you will leave. Take action. But try to get things right before you see other men. If it cant be worked out then leave.
husands/boyfriends will literally act like children then complain when their wives/girlfriends aren’t excited to sleep with them anymore. coming up with excuses and/or pretending ur incapable of doing basic household chores, taking care of the kids, taking care of URSELF etc so ur spouse is forced to do everything is a huge turn off. not understanding how to articulate & communicate ur emotions is a huge turn off. it’s 2022; traditional marriage styles are outdated & breed resentment (that’s not even to mention couples who -both- have jobs, yet the men still expect their spouses to do most everything at home).
all these men with sexist podcasts need to google the terms “weaponized incompetence” & “emotional labor” before opening their mouths.
women don’t owe u sex. women don’t owe u household labor. women don’t owe u emotional labor. women don’t owe u ANYTHING, whether they agreed to enter into a relationship w u or not.
thank u for coming to my ted talk.
Break him now if you can, if not, nothing will change.
Tell him you guys can either do this together or separate. I’d rather be a single mom, then have a non supportive husband.
He didn’t help with the first and you decided it was a smart thing to have a second baby? He showed you who he was but as women we always try to fix a man. Time to stop thinking of him… get a baby sitter an dog out 1 times a week… to the salon, for a glass of wine…to a friend’s house or just for a walk… breathe and relax and then make your next move. Maybe you can get some therapy… phone or in person and this helps more than you know at this point. Good luck and feel better
Girl, I am so sorry you are having to go through this. I’ve been married for 30yrs now and have been so blessed to have someone who does understand… Tho I have had many friends who didn’t.i urge your nearest and dearest friends and family rally around you and lift you up. I send you prayers for knowledge and strength! I hope you see, that you DESERVE better. And you have all the rights and reasons to DEMAND more, and better… But be alert, because the devil is watching, and he will do anything to kill ,steal, and destroy any and all happiness he sees you obtaining. Be sure to rebuke him often in this process. And, in closing, I know you don’t know me, but I offer you an ear to listen to anything you need to say, a shoulder to cry upon or to help carry anything you can’t. A friend if you need or want one. A babysitter for you to get a break. A housekeeper so you can CHILL OUT for a few minutes! I promise you it will get easier and better, weather he man’s up, or you woman out!! Just know you have people who don’t know you but care about you and your future!! Much love and hugs!!!
He will never change. Been there done that. Only gets worse because he’s selfish and getting away with telling himself you’re in the wrong
If you do just leave him for a little bit for “a taste of his own medicine” I personally wouldn’t leave my infant with him, especially if he’s never actually helped out with the baby (or your 5 year old when they were a baby). He could easily get frustrated with them since he really doesn’t have to do anything with them ever. I left my husband when my daughter was 3 months old for acting like that. He had been very helpful initially when she was born but changed completely when one of our friends had to move in with us temporarily. He would barely help do a thing, would have to be guilted into spending time with his daughter, and so forth. He acted like us was way back in the old days and didn’t have to lift a finger to help out. We fought constantly up to the point where he almost crushed our tiny baby when he was trying to get my phone from me (I was calling my mother to help). At that point I packed my bags and left for several weeks. It took that roommate leaving and me forcing a no phone/PlayStation/computer rule until the baby was down (unless it’s an emergency) for things to start changing. The phone/PlayStation/computer rule was the huge one that helped out because instead he started helping do stuff and spending time with the baby (now toddler and baby). There was still a bunch of fighting to get to this point but now he comes home, does outside chores if needed, showers, and immediately asks what needs to get done and starts doing whatever I need. It’s also about knowing how they work well. I tried giving him an hour of “chill time” before he’d start helping out but all that did was lead to “5 more minutes”, “it hasn’t been 5 minutes yet (it’d been more)” and so forth. With my husband it works best if the break period is after we get everything done, get the kids down, and then he chills out. I’m a SAHM, too, btw and it’s rough I used to be a manager for years and had like 10+ people to help do tasks all day and now it’s just me. I also run a small doggy daycare/boarding business out of my house and we have a minifarm. What I had to get him to realize as well is that I need breaks, too. At work he gets actual human interaction and gets to ride in his truck listening to whatever he wants to or enjoys the quiet. My entire day I don’t sit down unless it’s to quickly pee after I take my daughter to pee so I still have an audience lol. He will literally now say “what can I do to help you out so you can have a break?” That is the thing I love is nowadays is when my husband comes home and helps finish things up so we can go to bed TOGETHER, not me crawling in bed after 3am with stuff that still hadn’t been completed yet.
My husband was like this until he was alone with our son for three hours and my son gave him a rough time. Tell your husband you are going out with no kids one day this weekend and tell him since he thinks it’s so easy you’d also like him to at least do dishes while you’re gone too. Then leave for at least three hours, enjoy a relaxing meal, go shopping, whatever. If he texts you to ask when you are coming home just make it vague, if he complains sympathize “I’m sorry they are making it hard on you.” But don’t make any point to say you’ll come home because of it. Then when you come back tell him you’d like to talk again about needing some help. It’s his house too and he makes a mess too, he’s also a full time parent and should act like one when he gets home, he’s lucky he has you to help and to take care of kids, point that out to him, all the things you do would be expensive if he had to pay someone to do it.
Order dinner and leave the house for an hour or 2 and let him deal with the kids. Honestly, I don’t know why you would have another kid with a man that didn’t help with the first one. But it is what it is. Let there be an argument and just force things on him. He’s either going to do it or leave and pay child support. You’re obviously having to raise another child because he doesn’t understand parenting is more than providing financially. You can have the conversation with him one more time and establish boundaries and consequences. He will have 1 hour from the time he gets home to decompress, then he is in charge of the kids. Either before or after dinner, in charge on their bath time and putting them to bed. Then you can also take your hour to decompress and finish dinner clean up and other chores without kid interference. Him taking over the kids doesn’t mean you’re off duty, just like him working doesn’t mean he can be off duty at home either.
Put your kids to bed early by 8/9 if they don’t already have a curfew and don’t put the kids in your room. He can either do it willingly or by force. LoL
Counseling is the answer if not for him and you then just you
You need to walk away. He needs to get some reality. I don’t understand why you girls stay with men like this? Guys don’t change much. They are exactly who they are going to be when you meet them. If the guy was playing video games in the beginning? He ain’t changing. Shoving responsibility onto them and expecting a changed person after is looney. Why women rush to have kids and put themselves and children in these situations boggles my mind. Children today are failing because of poor decisions women make by putting themselves into weak relationships. Stop settling on mediocre men.
You teach people how to treat you. Set some boundaries and start sticking up for yourself. Being a doormat is not fun, believe me!
Time to teach the kiddos how to do some work
More than a red flag. Professional therapy, a emotional support group and a good attorney.
Don’t buy that house together. Reread this post. You deserve better. And so do your children.
You need to walk away for you and the children. If he wanted to support you he would be. You shouldn’t have to ask him to do anything for his child he should naturally want to especially with him being in work so often you’d think he’d be showing he misses his children. I know it’s hard but I personally think you’re better leaving as it sounds to me like you’re already a single parent
Screw that my kids father was like that when they were just babies …put ur foot down
Time for you to go away for 24 hours and leave him with the children…
You are clearly unhappy and absolutely have a heck of a lot of reasons to feel that way. He should be helping you a heck of a lot more!!! I go to school full time both online and in person but in person is only a couple days a week for about 5-6 hours each day, we have our youngest at home and he’s 13 y/o, my husband works 40+ hours a week and a couple times a month he picks up side work and sometimes works 7 days a week. He still helps around the house and grills dinner a couple days a week (we eat chips and fruit for sides), he cleans the litter box in the morning and I do it in the afternoon, we fold laundry together on weekends if I don’t get to it during the week. Tell him you feel unloved, unappreciated, and he’s being a crappy dad and if he truly loves you and wants your relationship to work he’ll start acting like it or you’re done with him. You deserve better and I promise there is better out there!
Leave that lazy but he will not change
My mom raised 14 kids and dad worked and our house was always clean u figure it out
If he’s on the phone with a beer that’s a RED flag he will be out the door no question asked .
So he was already unaffectionate and didn’t help with 1 child but let me stay and have a 2nd one:thinking:
Take you some time and tell him your taking it because you need it to be a better mother and better yourself. You are grown you are not a child. You are allowed to take some you time. What is he going to do? Leave? Then you have your answer. Some men don’t know how hard it is until they are put in that situation and when he sees how much you do and how hard it is on you he should step up. I imagine no one knew how hard it would be being a mother until they did it. They experienced it. Let him experience it first hand.
Hunny this is the man you are married to. He is not going to change. He doesn’t give a crap. So you have 2 choices, Stay and be unhappy or leave and start a new life and eventually find a man who treats you how you deserve to be treated. I know it sucks and it’s hard but you even said that you have already talked to him and he just doesn’t care. Think about it, is he really going go change? Because if you want to have a shot at actually being happy then he is going to HAVE to DRASTICALLY change. If you know in your heart that ge wouldn’t change, then you know what you need to do. Good luck mama.
Sometimes it takes a different approach. Not saying this will work or it’s the answer, but if you want to give it every chance before you bail, then I figure you’ll try whatever you can.
Instead of asking and begging for scraps of help, start stating what you need him to do.
Ex. “Here is sweet baby, hold him while I bless you by cooking this wonderful dinner, and as your sign of appreciation I don’t want to hear a single sigh or complaint out of you. Thank you.”
Also example: “If you ever want me to desire you physically again, I need you to step up and offer help with the children, house, etc. Ultimately, it’s up to you how this goes.”
Also example: “We are adults now. It’s time to put away childish attitudes and selfish behaviors and step up and help out in your household. Great leaders lead by example. If you want my respect it’s time to grow and change.”
Leave him with the kids sometimes like has been suggested. Let him try to do it, so he can appreciate what it takes.
We all have potential, sometimes we just have to figure out what brings it out of us.
If nothing else, start talking to a counselor. Good luck!
It’s time to leave dont buy house
If you are not sure I would not buy a house together
Get relationship therapy as soon as possible. Don’t ask him, just make the appointment with a doctor & bring him with you. This won’t get better until you see a professional.
Id get a new man. Not only is he showing YOU how to not be a good man, but he is also showing your children. Not all male species act like this and it took me 13 years to understand that. I value myself more than to be put last. MY NEEDS MATTER. YOUR NEEDS MATTER. Period.
Don’t buy a house leave you think!
He needs to step up and help out!!!
If he doesn’t understand what you are going threw regardless of what you say or how you say it, it’s cause he doesn’t give a fuck and never will. I’m getting to a point where I’m ready to walk myself after ten years four kids later becaue of how fed up I am being a single married mom.
Couples counseling is my advice. Myself and husband have quite a few of the same situations as you mentioned. Couples counseling has helped alot. Relationship are all about perspective. Maybe if he can see your side if things(especially from a 2nd party) hopefully things will improve. Good luck. If that doesn’t work. Throw out a few things you like to do to fix it and if he doesn’t jump.on board, start packing you bags
My husband always helped the first week after we had a baby. That was working 6 to 7 days a week in a union…12 hours a day. He would take the week after off and help with night feedings. After the first week, i usually had a routine ,baby was settled in and sleeping better,and balancing cleaning house with kids wasn’t so hard. After first week…kids,cleaning,etc were all mine. They really aren’t that hard to juggle with one kid at school and other taking naps during the day. This generation has gotten too used to expecting breaks from kids. Older generation never would have asked bc that would have been lazy parenting. You dont get breaks as a parent unless get family,friends, or babysitter over to watch them. If hubby is working and providing,it is your job to maintain house and kids. Try inviting friends or family over to play with baby while you get a break or clean house. Ask hubby to watch kids every now and then on weekends so you can grocery shop in peace. About only break i get is when hubby watches kids for drs appts or grocery shopping. We get a friend to watch them so can go out to eat together on Anniversary and when go to a rare concert or movie date.
Try that…try to get a date night set up and see if can reconnect with him. Ask him to watch kids while grocery shopping. Have to butter him up for that though. Good time in bed and babying him some should do it. Men need to feel like appreciated as well.
I would have lost it long ago if my man ever treated me or his kids this way.
I’ve been a SAHM for almost 6 years. I know how hard it is to be with kids all day long with nothing to do for myself but cook, clean and care for my babies all day long. Dealing with the tantrums and crying all day long. My man tried acting like this one year, he would come home from work and drink a 6 pack and try to act like he didn’t need to help because “he worked all day” said nope if you want to act lazy after work and not help with the kids then go to your moms, go stay with her because obviously you’re still a little boy who needs to be raised… he was HURT lol he didn’t take me serious until I actually took him to his moms house and dropped him off, didn’t let him come home all weekend. After our daughter was born 3 weeks later he straightened up, he stopped drinking, after work he takes the kids to the park and to go visit their grandmas… then he brings them home… I get 4 hours of alone time while he’s doing all that.
He’s been a year sober of alcohol and I am so proud of how much he has changed and grew this past year.
I started working in January of this year, I am a preschool teacher. And the upside about my job is that we have trainings that we have to go to during the summer and they are all out of town and around 5 days long. So while I’m away for work he will be taking care of the kids, and going to work. He will be responsible for finding them a sitter and getting them ready lol.
Treat him how he treats you, I bet he won’t like it.
Buying a house is not a good idea at this rate, also him working 5 days a week is not a reason to let him slack cuz my husband works 12 hours a day 6 days a week & we have 6 year old & house. Don’t let him take advantage of you
First question is why did you have a second child when you knew what he was like with the first one? You know he’s not going to change. So now your going to own a larger house with more work to do. You need to do a lot of thinking before digging a bigger hole
When I went through this we tried talking and talking and he said it would change it never did. I finally packed mine and my child’s clothes and I left for a couple days. Didn’t answer the phone. Only texted when it had to do with our kid, and I finally talked to him and then I went back home and it was so much better. He knew I was done and I wasn’t playing.
I understand where you are coming from, however I also see the other side too because I’m a mother and I also work. Imagine being a working mom and doing all the house work and taking care of the kids! If you are at home taking care of the kids and he works, then it’s a given that you do the home stuff while he brings in the income. It’s tough both ways. Of course everyone needs a break, both of you do! He’s probably tired and wants a break when he gets home too! Since he doesn’t want to help then get a babysitter once a week to help with the babies while you do whatever you need to… maybe to go out and do “me” time… get your hair done, go shopping, whatever you want! As a mother you deserve that time to yourself! Sit him down and tell him since he doesn’t want to help or acts aggravated when you ask him to hold the baby, then you need a babysitter once a week for time to yourself because you need breaks! Don’t take no for an answer!!
I feel a third child coming
Children need to see people in love. I want my daughter to see me being respected and her parents being parents… a sahm of 2 is keeping them healthy and safe. Daycare is expensive, not safe and full of germs… just make a stand. Stop taking on all the tasks. A man can do chores and parenting after work. He played adult games and can suffer adult consequences too.
set a video up for a week that shows everything you do at home. Many men really do not understand the stress and work of a stay-at-home parent. let him see how much you do. and then ask for a part-time helper hired to help you out some. this opens the door for him to think about how it can be afforded and shows him that you do need some help. also, the other days he doesn’t work let him know that he is the caretaker of all the house and kids. because those days you need time to yourself.
Ok! Ok!..Im older from the old school…First !!!enjoy each other…Work on your relationship!!! Make your day more enjoyable:rose: When he comes home from work let him know he has an hour to chill out…then get supper cooked…have rules, relationships…have FUN:rose:
You need to sit down and tell him exactly how you’re feeling. And when I say exactly I mean exactly how you’re feeling! I went through something similar with my partner when my daughter was first born. My problem was when he did try to help I always hovered and didn’t let him do it on his own. This made him not want to help me because he was afraid I was going to critique his every move. I’m not saying that’s what’s going on with you and your husband but it is something to think about. As moms we always put our children first and there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. Please make it a point to tell him how you’re feeling. And then ask him how he is feeling. Relationships always take two people working together as a unit to be successful. For my own personal experience after we talked and both shared how we were feeling, we were able to take the steps to make sure the other person felt supported and appreciated. Being a full-time mom is a lot of work! Being a full-time working father is also a lot of work. I wish you the best of luck and I hope things get better for you! By reading your post I can tell that you’re a fantastic mother! You’re doing a great job
Marital counseling. If he won’t go, you go without him.
Make a financial break down of your work and what it would cost to get someone else to do it. Ex. Personal shopper, daycare costs, private chef, maid, personal assistant, teacher/tutor. Also point out your job is 24/7 not 9-5. And your job is worth much more than he makes sadly you just don’t get conlensated. He helped make the children he needs to help care for them. If you were to leave him what would he do on visitations? It would be just him he would have to do it all alone.
Do t buy the bigger house yet - you may be setting yourself up - more work, more stress, more debt and if it breaks you up for your mental health and that of your babies it’s not going to leave you in a good financial place to get on your feet - even if you sell the new house you’ll be so far under you’ll end up having to pay or figure out how to even pay half the mortgage if it goes that way where you stay in the new house.
The lack of desire festers into loss of love if not correctly addressed and readjusted.
It’s a wake up call that your body is sending you.
Momming is the hardest job ever but keeping a romantic relationship alive and strong without some help from SO and occasional self care breaks is nearly impossible.
Experience talking: 5 kids, married 25 years.
I just downsized alllll of the household bills by 75% so I can afford our home and I can let him go once he starts a job, any job. He’s changed significantly and I can’t make myself want or love him like this.
Please don’t act on any feelings or impulses until your hormones level out. New moms of have trouble coping with everyday life. I would postpone buying a house and give your marriage a year. If your feelings haven’t changed after a year then I would recommend you move on. Good Luck.
You can’t force or manipulate someone into loving you more … he just seems like he doesn’t wanna be a dad , he sounds arrogant and like a cunt. You deserve love and care , and unfortunately, some men don’t realise that till you walk out.
I say , walk out , and if he comes , then you set boundaries and expectations . If he doesn’t , then I guess the answer is more brighter than the sun itself X good luck girl , hubby needs a wake up call xx
Cut your losses before you get tied into purchasing a home together. Sounds like he’s always been this way, so you need to decide now whether you’re staying or going.
I’m sorry but I believe I once had the most unaffectionate man. This year we will be married for 41 years. You have to train (by telling) but they are trainable. Now this same man holds hands in public, kisses and shows affection no matter where we are. He changed diapers and to this day will clean something I didn’t get to. My man even cooks. They are trainable but you gotta start by taking the rains and guiding with what it is you want. Not here can you take the kids…it’s here baby and walk away. If an explanation is warranted he will ask. That is opportunity. Don’t blow it by anger or hostility. Don’t make him feel stupid for asking why…tell him why and carry on. You need some help tell him exactly what and when you need. Don’t show resentment because you have to tell him…he is a man. He hasn’t a clue what you need or want unless your upset. You need to get your message across without all that baggage. Just…Do it as they say. If you have a good man he will want, need and desire your love, appreciation and approval, and visa versa. Reward him as he tries to do as you please and you’ll find him trying to please you more. But to be honest at this point your both set in your ways so changing the atmosphere for a better outcomes gonna be a little bit of work on your end. Now you must search your own soul and see if your marriage is worth the saving. Worth the training to be helpful to one another. There is no I in team even though we all want the I from time to time. Men whom you love and who love you in return are the most trainable loving companions a woman could ask for. Not easy…but what wouldn’t you do for love? He is no different other than he is a man…he thinks entirely different. You also will learn that he does need down time from work. But not at the expense of family…you two can work it if it’s something yous really want. Good luck sweets
Talk to him and tell him how you really feel
Yes this is a two way deal! He needs to pull his weight helping out his family! Or he can pay for help.
He needs an attitude adjustment and a reality check… or else, your choice
I know so many women that go through this. I suggest couples therapy and if he says no keep it moving you would be a lot happier then looking at him not help you. Hope it works out!
What made this woman post such a sad story. I think you need to set some priorities and get counseling
Wow This is not the place for advice! This is where family helps. NOT FACEBOOK. Elise most every parent knows how exhausting it is. You have only just begone! And it doesn’t matter the age of that child. Being a parent or being in a relationship isn’t easy. They both have ups and downs. Not everyday is sunshine and rose’s. If your looking for a perfect child or a perfect relationship your in for a lot of disappointment. I wish it was just that easy.
stop doing things for him … he doesn’t want to help he can go grocery shopping for his own food , cook his own food , do his own laundry … also make him sleep on the couch until he learns to help
You need to have a serious discussion! Get some help to free up sometime for yourself if you can afford it and tell him he’s not chilling just because he’s home, parenting is a 24/7 job.
When he walks in the door on Friday after work, you hand him the baby and leave. Don’t answer the phone all weekend. Come back Sunday night. Maybe then he will understand how hard it is to do literally everything for 2 days. If that doesn’t work, leave. If your doing it alone anyways you might as well be alone. That way, he will have the kids every weekend or second weekend and you will actually get a break.
Throw whole damn man away
Maybe think about down the road you’ll go to work outside the home. In the meantime, is he coming home everyday? Not skipping out? Make 2 different times a week your time where you can get away. Girls night out, lunch with a friend. Knitting class with adult women. We need our female support groups.
why do you keep having kids with him?
Don’t buy a house He gives u no support Boot him out
Can you hire a maid to help with housework maybe a few times a month, hire a nanny or babysitter so you can have some “me” time.