How can I get my step daughter to respect the rules in my house?

When my step daughter comes to my house, she has no regards for how i raise my younger bio children…she refuses to take her shoes off when she comes in because “she doesnt have to at her moms house”…she watches these youtube videos called “jeffy”…i listened one time and its nothign i want my kids to watch yet she constantly shows them after we go to bed…my husband refuses to say something to her bc hes afriad of pushing her away but i have honeslty had it with her…she even tries to smoke in my house sometimes and every time she is here she gives my kids a bad attitude…hwo can i get her to respect my rules in my house if my husband doesnt care

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I get my step daughter to respect the rules in my house?

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If your husband doesn’t care, then she’s never going to respect you. Sounds like you should have married someone who cared about your opinion.

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Sit her ass down. Communication and respect #1 her father better speak up now or she will be a complete mess emotionally. She is lashing out for attention she’s upset he’s there kids go thru emotions thru change and divorce.

In my opinion talk to your husband and tell him and then mother that child like no other. She is just testing your boundaries. Draw the line make her.

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Maybe try going and talking to her mom? Let her know what is going on when she comes to your house, see if she can have a talk with her.

Agree this is your husbands job to model the respect he wants from his daughter. Unfortunately in most cases the bio parent will not step up as they are guilt ridden from the breakup/divorce. This is very common in 2nd marriages with children.

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And I just got done watching the movie Step Mother. :joy: it s hard situation but I would say talk to your husband not to much advice to give

Your husband needs to step up and be a parent to her and not a friend. He needs to put his foot down and then she will respect you.

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Nacho kid nacho problem. Dad handles it

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How old is she? She smokes so is she 21? If so handle woman to woman. She’s old enough to smoke she’s old enough to understand respect. If she can’t respect you and your husband won’t step in, you may need a change of scenery.

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You’re also her parent. Do with her as you would your bio children. She may have different rules at her mom’s house, but at your house, you set the boundaries and she needs to follow along or face consequences.

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Help her be part of the problem solving. Perhaps, shopping for a pair of indoor slippers. Remind her that her autonomy and relationship with her bio Mom are important to you. You’re not trying to replace her or take her Dad away.

Consider family meetings where her voice is heard. Perhaps, edited clips of her favorite show or let her watch it with earphones. Ask her about other favorite shows/movies she’d like to share.

Try to set up lots of one on one time for her and her Dad. Also her and her new siblings. Her and you. Often, this kind of behavior has underlying fears. Stay patient and work at the root emotions. Having your Dad have a new family is hard and often can take a long time to blend. The more she’s part of that process, the better it will go.

Family counseling can also help create boundaries and communication with a neutral party.

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Smokes? For God shakes how old is this “child”? And who is letting her smoke?

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Maybe some one on one time. Try and build a relationship? Ask her what things she does at her other home that she’s like to do here? Try and include her in different ways to build a bond

You can’t. This is up to your husband and he refuses. Parent your kids to ignore her behavior.

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I hate the Jeffy videos. I banned my kids & skids from watching them

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Your husband is a sissy. Get a real man. :100:

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It sounds like you need to have another talk with your husband. Because other than that, there’s not much you can do.

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Talk it out with your husband. Problem solve.

Honestly, if she is old enough to understand your rules to break them on purpose (and smoking?)… I’d draw a hard line and refuse to have her over if she disrespects those lines

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Your house your rules!

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Put your foot down plain and simple if she don’t want to listen to you then ground her or what ever else a punishment could be

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Your husband is part of the problem
And you need to grow a backbone and stand your ground
She is the child and you are the parent

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I HATE Jeffy. It’s so inappropriate and foul. How old is she?

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You recognize that kids go through things to. You’re not her mother her parents are not together she sees her siblings in a two parent home, and maybe that’s hard for her. Maybe try to relate to her. Take her for a mani pedi I’m not saying reward bad behavior by any means but if she can like you than she will be more inclined to respect you. As for your bio kids they are going to be exposed to things you don’t like allllll the time. You can’t stop it, you can only teach them to make better decisions. If it’s not all the time maybe try to get over it. Unless it’s of a sexual or violent nature. We can’t always expect other people to change, more often than not they don’t. But we can change our responses and reactions to help better the situation which will than influence the other persons reactions and and responses.

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You talk to her mother, and ask if she wouldn’t mind backing you up to show her y’all are a united force not divided households…

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You should have talked about this before marriage🤦‍♀️. She’s not your kid, so if the parents aren’t doing anything about it, she’s not going to listen to you. I’d tell my husband to handle it or he’s paying for a weekend getaway for me and MY kids when she’s over.

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Nicole van Varsseveld hatede

It’s your house if she doesn’t want to take off her shoes give her a chair outside to sit on and slippers for inside if she wants to come in. Hand her a pair of headphones for her videos if they bother you that much and remind your birth children they are not allowed to watch that show. Dad needs to step up. Take cigarettes away if she under 18 and offer a reasonable solution if she’s over.

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If your husband is allowing this, than he has a problem. If she gets mad at him for being a parent, than she needs to stay home with her mom. And if it were me, I’d be the bad stepparent. No child will disrespect me.

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Your hubby needs to man up. Respect is taught. She needs to learn to follow rules

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Since she is 13 and you say her mother lets her smoke weed, I’d be calling cps, getting that kid some help and while in your house she would be made to follow your rules. If she shows your kids videos you don’t approve of, take the tablet or phone or shut off the WiFi for her phone. WiFi gets shut off at bedtime

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I so understand where ur husband is coming from when I finally had enough of my SS and his shit my husband nicely talked to him now we see him maybe once a year twice if we are lucky I have a young child in my home who has been raised totally diff and will not see and hear some stuff my house my rules :person_shrugging: husband sided with me cause he is the one that has to live full time with me and our children

Put a parental block on the internet inside your house, make it so it turns off at a certain time so she can’t be on YouTube while you’re asleep, and also makes her have to ask parental permission to use or visit certain sites on the internet, if she has her own service on the phone get a signal blocker. If your husband and her mother refuse to do anything to correct her behavior tell him he can take his daughter to a motel room for his visits or you start taking your kids and staying at a friends or a motel room when it’s her weekend, eventually he’ll either start correcting his child’s behavior so he can have a normal family life again, or he won’t and you’ll know it’s time to pack your kids up and leave for good

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Been then done that. Your husband need to be a man and put his daughter in her place. I have step kids who were constantly caused trouble, lied, refused to do any chores. They said that’s child abuse. I feel your pain, especially when you have a little one at home. Pray for your home. And focus on your little one. Let your husband deal with her.

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Take her phone away. Simple

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She knows she’s only there because of the court ordered visitation. The way you treat your kids compared to how you treat her is noticeable. Your husband knows what’s up, he knows she’s just looking for a reason to tell her mother she doesn’t want to be around him or his new family. You mentioned everything everyone else involved does wrong and somehow neglected to include your wrong doings. That man needs to cut his losses and just pay his child support and coparent with you too.

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I have a great suggestion! How about you try taking you & your kids to visit family! Leaving him to deal with her on his own! That’ll give him an eye opener for starters!

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If your husband doesn’t say anything, that’s definitely a huge part in how she acts. If he refuses to change, step-daughter shouldn’t be allowed over when she’s affecting the rest of the family too. If you do want to try yourself though, she doesn’t get any luxury privileges until she does the mentioned task. Treat her like a younger child, since she’s still testing boundaries like one.

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What the hell kind of parent is your husband ? He’s letting his brat disrespect you, your home and kids, allowing her to smoke. He needs to stand up be a husband, man and father. If she can’t obey the rules, show respect, she doesn’t come back to your home. Maybe then he’ll do the right thing by you and his daughter

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How old is he she? Your husband needs to be a parent & do something. I’d say if she doesn’t take off her shoes in your house she doesn’t enter. Keep your littles close. Put a bed in your room for yourself or have them in bed with you when she’s there. As far as the YouTube you put parental controls on it & control what happens when she’s at your house or don’t allow her devise at all. Maybe you have an old phone or tablet she can use at your house?

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I have bonus children and I’m fortunate that they respect me. First off how old is she jeffy is very foul kid toons and smoking?! Not under my roof. If husband dont want to do anything then do it yourself. No phones after bed etc! Your home your rules!!! If your children has rules then so should she. He’s letting her get away with bad behavior. Yes kids get exposed to things but it’s your job as a parent to try to limit exposure kids should be kids and anymore in this world kids are becoming older more quickly! Im def assuming here but sounds like she’s underage for smoking so I wouldn’t even condone it at all esp inside my home with younger children. Her parents allow her to smoke then do it on moms watch or dad can take her somewhere off premises or she can respectfully smoke on the porch and pick the butts up!

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Put your foot down. Ain’t no-one coming into my home and disrespecting me. Follow the rules or piss off. Simple

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You married a spineless dude! Good luck, your gonna need it.

BTW what’s her age.

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This is a partner issue. He’s allowed and is allowing her to behave in this and be disrespectful. You need to take up with him about his parenting if his child.

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Your husband has to step in and be a man, husband, and father.

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The creator of Jeffy lives in Pensacola. It is NOT for kids.

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Give up. It will only cause friction between you and your spouse. She is young and will mature eventually, until then , try to accept her for who she is. As long as nothing illegal or immoral is going on, let it slide.

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Your house, your rules. Your husband is the problem

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I just came to say… One of the main reasons step kids do this is because of the “it’s my house” thought. Isn’t it her dads home also. Which would make it her home. She probably feels like a visitor in her dad’s home which has to be awful. One thing I’d make sure if I had step kids was they knew it was their home also. She just may respect it more if she didn’t feel like a visitor in her dad’s home.

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Why are you kids still up after you go to bed?
Where is she getting cigarettes from?
Why has she not lost her phone privileges?

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I def would make her take her shoes off, just like every body else and the service people. Do you respect her and her space and her room? Then she can respect you and your home and your energy.

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I was in a similar situation, years and years of blowing hot air with my step kids…don’t waste your time…

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So much to weed through… You’re the adult. Simple as that

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Wow… you say “My” A LOT… I’m pretty sure that attitude is a big part of YOUR problem.

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Give your husband an ultimatum…tell him you don’t want your children influenced by this negative behavior, and if he doesn’t help you get things under control you’re going to have to take your children and leave. She’s smoking already so she’s in desperate need of reprimand, and it’s only going to get worse. Protect your other children.

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Is it your husbands house to? That part threw me for a loop. Didn’t sound good. And it’s up to your husband to make sure she listens to the rules. The problem is your husband

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My bonus daughter isn’t that bad but she was bound and had similar behaviors. My husband at first was the same way. I hated what I did but I “embarrassed” her in front of company because of how she was talking to me, my husband almost tried arguing with me about how I handled it till he got the other point of view. Now he’s gotten a back bone to a point. But we have a simple list of “chores/ tasks” we expect to be taken care of before she does anything else. Since then she’s gotten 95% better and she and I enjoy even just running to the gas station together. Mind you this took me almost 3 years to accomplish and this past year or so we’ve actually done better. My husband is the good cop and I’m the bad cop regardless though unless needed lol.

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Shes a kid having to go see her dad be a full time parent to others, maybe give her some leeway here

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I HATE Jeffy and ny 14 yo knows,I don’t want him watching it.Your SO,needs to step up and put his foot dowb

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Well I am sure you knew he came with a package. Each yo there own but that’s why I refuse to date anyone with younger kid’s

Yea she needs to respect the rules of course but it’s supposed to be her home too! as long as you say “my” instead of “ours” you’re going to have a problem

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Dad needs to be the enforcer of the rules.

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The biggest problem is your reference to “mine” try using “our home”…

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your house your rules! Your husband is the problem here!

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First of all, your husband has to grow a pair! His daughter must have no respect for any of you, it’s not on. When my husband and I got together, I had a terrible time, because I had the same rules for all of the kids. It took time, but, it’s turned out amazing, your biggest hurdle is your husband, he must back you 100%.

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Nonsense… this needs to stop… dad needs to step in… you all must present a united front… or leave him and don’t put your kids through this… its not fair to your family…

Have her dad supporting you 100%

So my stepson use to watch Jeffy we out a stop to that and she needs her dad to steph in she may hate it now but later she will realize that he was just being a parent. Both me and my husband put our foot down when it comes to put kids I have two stepson and the second oldest his mom let’s him get away with everything we do not at out house

Your husband is the problem, if he’s not supporting you then it’s not going to work

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When my step daughter tries to play her moms house rules against ours I just treat her like I do my own 2 bio kids. She’s here she will be treated the same. It keeps her from trying to do here what her mom allows. You just have to treat her like you would your own. You are the step mom so you have the right in your and your husbands house to do so.

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That sounds more like a Husband issue. If you can’t get him to respect you, you will not be able to get her to listen to you.

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You guys have to be a united front. Or it aint gonna work

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I have dealt with this the last 7 years, with my husband’s daughter.
She is 22 now and I had to leave my husband before, he finally got the hint, of how done I was with her. She moved in and thought she controlled our home. ABSOLUTELY NOT HAPPENING, if it is, I’m packing my things and leaving. Needless to say, I packed my things and was gone and stayed gone almost 3 months!! She even tried hooking him up with another woman!! It didn’t work!! She finally messed up and he told her he is done with her. It got very ugly with the 2 of them!! If she comes back around, I am done for good and he is aware of it.

You didn’t say how old if 17-18? I’d tell hubby she’s not allowed around your kids

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You can’t :woman_shrugging:
Your husband is her father and if she understands that these aren’t his rules or his ideas and he doesn’t support you, she won’t respect it. :woman_shrugging:
You and hubby need to compromise and work out the deal breakers, not the petty every little things, the biggies. Then you need to be a United front. It won’t work otherwise, with his oldest child or any of the children

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put your foot down, he wont punish her u do it, your the ‘other parent’ in the house, to bad to sad. oh well. take the phone off of her if she doesn’t wanna listen, your house your rules, she’s still a minor and you are an adult, if your husband doesn’t wanna step up and be a parent then u do it. she don’t like it to damn bad. im so sick of people saying cause your the ‘step parent’ you cant punish the kid. it doesn work that way! if mom doens like it then she can teach her kid to listen and follow the rules.

When she comes over. You and bio kids go for a small get away. When he asks you. Tell him you refuse to be treated like this. And you would never tell him to not see his kiddo. So this is how you both get what you want. He will be mad. But aren’t you already? So what. He needs to help enforce rules.

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It’s her house also! Not just yours

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Tell her to knock off her shit OR leave YOUR house

You can’t, he has to be on your team. If its just a weekend I’d tell him when she’s over me and the kids will go stay with family or a friend since the rules for your children aren’t being respected.

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The husband is where I’d start.

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See if he changes that if not he’s 100% the issue.

I would put her shoes outside since apparently she can’t follow the rules. Block her phone from the internet. She can’t be with the other kids alone.

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Talk to your husband. This is his problem!! write down you list of grievances. Have a conversation. He needs to step up and be a FATHER… not a wimp. When you have a consensus, meet with her. Both of you. Tell her the rules… AND SMOKING ??? WTF ??

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Hard job if your husband doesn’t care , if she doesn’t respect you , your rules and your house I will simply tell her and her mom that she is not welcome until she change her attitude

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Where is this girl’s father? He needs to step in and back you and put his foot down. Good luck!

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My house my rules… you wanna act out? Enjoy time out. Dad doesn’t wanna play along… dad stays behind with role breaker while you take rule abiding kids out. Tell him he clearly needs 1 on 1 time with said child since they’re acting out.

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Have a what we call " a come to Jesus" meeting. Everyone is required to attend. All the kids and adults in the house. And tell them there are going to be significant changes on the way the house is run by YOU AND HUBBY !!! No shoes in the house, I don’t care if she wears them at Mom’s…this is not her Moms house. No inappropriate you tube allowed. If there is internet will be shut off at night and nobody gets to use it. No smoking at your home. It is YOUR HOUSE NOT HERS !!! You don’t want the younger kids exposed to it. Make it clear that it is your house, not hers. She is a visitor there until she can and will comply to your rules. And when she does then she can consider it her home too. Be STRONG AND DON’T BUCKLE UNDER. Good luck.

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Naw. 90 percent of the time I’ve noticed from personal experience that bitter step moms act like this when they desperately just want it to be them and “their kids” and the husband. Is she really THAT terrible? Or are you making her feel so unwelcome that she’s just giving you what you all ready think of her? Red flags all over the post… “my house” “my kids”

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My husband is the same way with his daughter. The rule I set is she either follows the rules or goes home. It’s harsh but effective.

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Omg do you know how hard it probably is for her to go between her mom and dads. Then when she goes to your house she sees the new family her dad created with you. She can probably sense how much you dislike her. She’s a kid, in a situation she did not ask for. As a mom I can understand your frustration and I cannot stand Jeffy. So I get it. But maybe if you try to open up to her, talk to her, and really develop a relationship with her…maybe then you will see a change in her behavior or if you ask her to stop then she might listen. Please have patience and be kind to her.

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You can’t if he doesn’t care… You may have to change the things you can unfortunately and it maybe telling him he needs to figure out a place to see her his mom’s etc. Until he agrees to support the rules and discipline her. Or you can take your kids somewhere while she is there and tell him you will happily stay home but he has to discipline her and support you. I know this sounds hard and harsh but it sounds like you’ve tried to talk to him and he is afraid of not seeing her if he disciplines, but that’s not your fault or worry. He has to figure out how to get past that fear and be a parent or it is going to affect other people in the house. And yes jeffy is terrible. Parental control and age limit will prevent that from being played.

If she’s old enuf to be looking up her own videos and smoking, she’s old enuf to know mom and dads houses have different rules. I’d lay down the law, set punishments and override dad if he tries to argue with you. And, if/when he does, show him the door along with stepdaughter. No child is welcome in my home that isn’t going to follow my rules and respect me and my household. To include my own kids.

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It’s her home too. You need to respect her and her feelings as well. It’s not just about what you want. It’s not about you at all and it sounds like you are jealous and just want reasons to put her down.

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No advice but I do know jeffy is awful/nasty talk and has been blocked at our house . Good luck

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My advice. Don’t let her in your home until she respects your rules. Be tough and tell you son you mean it.

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She treats you like this because she knows her dad wont say anything to her about it.
Every house has different rules, does that mean she walks into anyone’s house with her shoes on and says no my mum let’s me so to bad. I doubt it. She is seeing how much she can get away with

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Children are children… all of them should have to follow the same rules…reguardless of who’s they are …are where they come from…shame on your husband for not backing up the household rules…you are supose to be a team…

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