My grandson, who is four and a half we have custody of him, but he has been seeing his mom and staying with us every now and then to get him used to her. But he is very hyper all the time, and we have tried everything to calm him down I get it he’s four and a boy and will go crazy, But he gets an attitude when told to relax and calm down and starts throwing things hitting kicking and punching He is all together with a good kid But he has his tantrum moments What can we do when he is throwing those fits and try to get him to calm down.
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Sometimes artificial color in food has that effect, especially red dyes. Try a cleaner diet to see if that might help some
Put him in a quiet place with nothing around him. At my kids preschool they called it the calm down square. Also keeping with a routine helps a lot with kids like this. A change in routine can make their little brains bounce
Speak with his pediatrician. He may need counseling, it sounds like he’s had some traumatic events.
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It’s probably the trauma of the custody situation. Kid’s dont come out and say what’s wrong with them emotionally (much like a lot of adults) so they act out instead. I second therapy!
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If you are using those specific words each time, try something different. “Relax” and “calm down” probably equals “sit and stop playing” to him. Or ask for a hug to where he has to slow down and focus on you. Then chat with him calmly a little. At least that is the way we get our daughter to calm down with the least dramatics.
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Try a weighted blanket or weighted stuff animal
My son seemed to go thru a phase like that (he just turned 5) we still have our days but distraction seems to work good with him…puzzles…painting…play doh…and sometimes just ignoring the behavior and not getting into a power struggle helps also. We actually took him for a consultation with a psychiatrist and they recommended play therapy but that was beginning of March just before all the covid got started…now he seems to have gotten back to some type of normal but we still have our moments
Bust his ass. And if the mother is toxic keep her away.
A friend of mine used yoga with her son. 3 times a day, morning before school, when he got home from school and before bed. She said it worked great. Slow movements and a focus on breathing.
Distraction!! Talk to him about something else to get his mind off of what he’s upset about. I also would suggest maybe a melatonin chewable for bedtime, (with drs approval, of course) IF he’s having trouble calming down… ik my kids did and it did help- good luck!
Try music, calming music with headphones.
Maybe he dosnt want to go with his mom?
I would start looking for a play therapist that specializes in early trauma
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Put him the corner. So he knows their is conquinces for his actions. Need to start now.
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Get a trampoline. Sometimes they need just a need a way to get the energy off in a safe environment.
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Seems like he is acting out , seeing his mom could be triggering it and he cant communicate what he is feeling . You can look into a behavioral therapist to help .
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Behavioral therapy helped my son world’s at that age. He used to not speak and would just go into nothing but pure meltdowns constantly. He would get so upset he would start trying to bash his head into things and just scream and run around into circles and it got to the point I couldn’t even take him out in public. The behavior specialist came into our home 3 times a week and it changed our life!! It sounds like he’s struggling with the mom coming in his life, and giving him that little boost of help will be so relieving because they teach you a lot of different ways to handle the circumstances. My son is now 13 and incredibly well behaved and still uses the techniques learned in behavioral therapy almost every day
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Read the whole brained child. It’s amazing, helped us a lot
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He’s trying to tell you something isn’t right. You didn’t indicate the reason you have custody. If it was drugs, alcohol or another toxic lifestyle do some investigating to see if she’s still involved with it. Otherwise maybe it’s routine or rule change. Can you sit with mom & make sure you’re all on the same page? Getting him in counseling could help too. I wouldn’t punish him. Behavior changes is a tell tale sign of something being wrong. Punishing him would be telling him his feeling, suffering doesn’t matter to you.
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Probably trying to tell you something else is going on… maybe have him “help” with some activities that are more strenuous! Good luck
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Food dyes, hidden sugars in the labels of what you give him to eat.
He may need more stimulation. So have different things to do. Play dough,art stuff, any toys he’s into.
Outside time walks,scooter,& bike time.
Instead of telling him to calm down, model calm, breath with him, and offer a calm activity to engage him, books, puzzles, finger play. Model calm and quiet play with him and support his social emotional needs.
He’s frustrated and is probably confused. Try a show. Do a transitional activity. Spend time playing with him.
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Get him a “punching pillow”. When he’s having a meltdown, let him punch that pillow, but be assertive that he can only hit that pillow. Not people, pets, or objects. Emotions at his age are hard. Very hard.
Acknowledge his feelings or allow hin to express them. Talk to him. Hes 4. And calming techniques. Like breathing while holding him during meltdowns then talking about it.
Counseling. That baby is mad about something
Talk to him. Communicate. People look at me like I’m crazy for talking to my 2 year old… i tell her when she’s screaming, or throwing a fit… that when she wants to use her words we will talk about what she wants. It works 99.9% of the time. (Unless someone intervenes) I agree with the punching pillow. But I’ve learned in my situation we want then to contain their composure as much as possible… and sometimes the punching pillow doesn’t allow that that and for some it results in then having fits more. Set up a reward system and time out system. For instance, Weston If you walk instead of run you will gain 10 more mins of TV (find something that is his favorite thing to do). If you do not listen… you will loose 5 mins of tv. This make a few goes, for him to learn you are very serious. Stick with your guns. I use to work at an alternative school… first and foremost have structure… set up a chart… he can see… (even if he can’t read this will help). Starting with regular daily activities brush your teeth, brush your hair, make your bed… when he does each activity he can put or check mark or move it to the other side meaning accomplished (Velcro works best). Use it weekly… and if he going to his moms that week make sure you include that as well and right before he leaves he can change over to accomplished. And you will slowly see a huge difference. Make sure he knows his schedule, and when he goes to him mom ahead of time… (week ahead). He might not understand why he goes to his moms than comes to you. Tell him as friendly as possible. Tell him you are suppose to take care of him and that’s your job, but it’s his moms too. 4 year olds are smart, give it a chance.
My son is at this age. What has worked for him is counting. We count to 5 and then we talk about why he became upset, sad angry etc. Then we count again. We watch alot of Daniel tiger together, it’s a good show for kids and no violent scenarios. Good time to bond with eachother also.
Take to doctor to be evaluated
Play therapy would be a great start to figuring out what’s wrong…It’s probably very hard to be seeing his mom right now. It throws him off and he acts out.
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Assemble a go bag with pencils,colouring book , cars, play dough ,puzzles and snacks😊
my oldest is 5 but a girl and obviously not going through the same but she has a different father so goes to his house and comes back and has to adjust… so every Wednesday when she comes back it’s a bit of an adjustment… she’s pretty good but has her moments… when she is too upset to talk I ask her if she wants space or to be held if she wants to talk or not yet. She is allowed to punch her pillow or scream into her pillow but that is all she is allowed to do not throw things that can hurt others or herself… I give her her space and let her know I am here when she is ready. Only once has she tried hitting me sort of… I held her arms at her side and ain’t repeated I love you please breathe. And she did and then curled into my lap and cried while I held her. my options only work if they can control their emotions… sounds like he is still learning that but all I can say is communication is huge. Let them know you are there to help no matter what… he just has to tell you how he feels and you will always find an answer. He may not always like it and it may not always be ear and sometimes the only answer is love and that you are always there to give it no matter what. I tell all my kids and neices and nephews. In this house and in this family all you have to do is talk to me and I will ALWAYS help. ALWAYS… but I can’t help if you don’t communicate. And after a while it takes hold. You just have to follow up big or small problems to you they are big enough to them to bring it up… I hope you find a solution that works for the family and I hope he gets so much love he never questions it through this obvious hard time in his life
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I think maybe it’s negative attention. Find out if the tantrums are after seeing mom, if so that is he way if letting you know he doesn’t want it. Like the other remarks, talk to him or get grandpa to.
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He’s rebelling something can be bothering him. Have you asked him if something is wrong
Definitely needs counseling. Possibly try dimming lights in house in the evening time. A warm evening bath with lavender bubble bath, an air fuser using lavender oils, no electronics and sit with him to read a book. His brain needs time to wind down and the counceling will help him open up about his feelings. Sending much needed hugs to you all.
Try giving him a real reason to cry who’s the adult ?
Have you tried time outs?
Try a warm bath with night time bath 2.00 or 5.00 at walmart. After the bath take nighttime lotion rub it on him. Try a sleep roll on its in the baby department. My children and nephew has times been high-strung and this calms them down.
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He probably needs counseling, losing mom is traumatic… every time he sees her it reminds him… he needs reassuring and lots of extra attention… is there an area you can set up for him to have a quiet moment to try to calm down… lots of pillows , books, coloring books… etc… my boys are off the wall too sometimes but it seems like more than regular boys stuff from what you’re saying… make sure he’s running around outside too… he may not understand what he is feeling or know how to put it into words…
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It could be ADHD or Maybe he’s not ready for that much of his mother! She’s come back disrupting his life again. There’s a reason you have him, whatever it is. He remembers something. He needs helps with that.
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Tell him to breathe and count to 10 very slowly count with him by the time he gets to 10 he should be much calmer. Just say this is a very calm voice.
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He needs stability. It is bad to go back and forth the little fella is confused. This hapoened with our girls when they had visitation with their family. The state had to take that away it got so bad. Things returned to Normal then. He has to know that he has home and if you have the rights you are the parents. You may have to put him in therapy if it continues but honestly until you stop pulling his parents in and out he wont settle.
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I reread if you have custody he should not be staying with mom. He should be with you guys and have stability! There was a reason and this is bad for the little guy he is confused on the inside and this will cause problems for the rest of his life if not changed quick.
What you need to do is hold him until he calms. You’re upsetting him every time you let mom visit. Set a routine but filled with security and love. He’s lashing out because he can’t voice his fear.
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Try a weighted blanket, try asking him if he needs a hug, sometimes the pressure will calm him down. I do it both of my boys with autism it seems to help. Also if he is reacting this way when he sees his mom he might have some trauma.
He may have adhd. So you can try diet… no sugar, watch carbs that will turn into sugar, etc. I had a fairly hyper kids at my daycare. We worked on him recognizing the build up to the tantrums and then coping machanisms(breathing, etc). I know he may be a little young, but he will calm. Seek help from the pediatrician and then, as soon as you believe he is old enough, start teaching him to recognize and de-escalate the feelings.
I agree with Katie Larson…he has alot going on and he is just a little human with limited ways of speaking what he feels… He is dealing with his little emotions that adults have placed on him to understand. Please just let him express himself without harming himself or you.
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See if he could benefit from Occupational Therapy with emphasis on regulation and maybe some heavy work play/activities/exercises that can help get his energy out.
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Oppositional defiance disorder and adhd can cause this! Also seeing mom can cause episodes… we’ve been through this and it takes a long time to start getting easier after visits
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Ask his pediatrician for strategies to use. I did that for my son when he wouldn’t stay in bed at night.
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I raised my granddaughter and seeing her mother caused all kinds of behaviour issues. Mom wasnt a person she needed to see. Even now my granddaughter is 17 and talking to her mom turns her into a problem child
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Might be ADHD. you need to get a regular routine every day. Kids like that need to have a regular routine. His mom should also follow the same routine when he is with her.
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Karate, soccer, so many sports to wear him out. My child was the same…she played all sports. She was knocked out by the end of the day.
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I have a greatgranddaughtet who is very hyper. We have found that by eliminating red dye 40 from her diet, she is so much calmer. When she was in school, the teachers saw a tremendous change in her. We were asked if she had been put on medicine. No she was not. The change in her was all due to the elimination of the red dye 40.
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I agree with those saying to teach him a method to calm down. In the classroom I use multiple different options. First, I let the kid cry. If they’re not hurting anyone or themselves I simply let them cry. I do tell them in a calm voice that it’s OK to cry and when they’re ready we can talk. If the child continues crying and is obviously having trouble calming themselves I begin to suggest that we get some water. Typically once they’ve cried enough they comply and go to get their drink. Nine times out of ten the drink calms them down and then we are able to talk about it.
For kids who are hurting themselves or someone else I do what I can to get what is being used away. If I am successful I work through the steps to calm them. I continue attempting to protect if I am not successful. Ive also seen parents hug a child who is hitting and tell them that hurts but they love them. (If you wrap them in a bear hug they cannot move their arms to hit.)
As for the energy. If increasing activity is not wearing him out and things that normally make you sleeping make him hyper or things that amp you up calm him- call the doctor and make an appointment.
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Sounds like adhd. Which my son has. Changes in their normal day to day will make this happen to the extreme. We have done weighted blankets it did not work for my son, but they are a good idea. We made him a spot in the house which he can go hide. Soft blankets and other little things he likes. It helps he relax.
He needs to see a specialist and immediately. Unfortunately he may need to be medicated. I pray 3you all to find him help and that he becomes the joy you all deserve. Don’t try this one your own. He may bbn not need medicine forever but he needs to see a professional stat.
I don’t think telling anyone to calm down has ever worked in the history of the world. Try to distract him with something calming without telling him he needs to calm down.
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He needs consistency. Going back and forth between homes is a bad idea. He is acting out because he is in a state of confusion and chaos for one so young.
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He probably needs help from an outside source like cognitive behavior therapy or play therapy as he is dealing with a lot of changes. Could be adhd but anxiety in children can show behaviors like you are describing. Behavior for anxiety ridden kids can come off as aggression and anger among other behaviors.
He’s angry at something or someone and is expressing himself the only way he knows how at his age. Maybe get him into play therapy? Include all y’all (mom too). I’m not sure the why’s and wherefores you have custody but something is bothering him. Be patient loving firm and consistent…just like you have been and get him someplace to sort out his emotions. Better now and early otherwise this may escalate
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Be patient its not his fault he is in the situation he is in now ! He is a child
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distract and redirect. sometimes putting antsy kids to do a task can help. sit down and play a game with him. he’s just got more energy than he can deal with. give him a spoon and a bowl and let him go out and dig in the dirt. seriously.
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There is too much going on in his life and he can’t process it fully. It is confusing, upsetting, frustrating, and he doesn’t know how to express himself in another way.
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Cut all sugar,milk products, only fresh foods and meats no lunch meats.lots of water. When putting him to bed quiet time look up things to do for hyper active kids
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Check his diet! I am having to do this for my almost 4 yr old. Start with dyes.
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Hum, how much time is he spending with his mother? Is he alone with her, or is it supervised? Could there be something in the routine with her that is upsetting to him…physical, mental or emotional abuse? Rethink how much time he has with her. If you have custody, you have full say in is care. Just because she gave birth to him, does not mean she is fit to be a mother. There is a reason you have custody. No matter how many times a snake sheds it’s skin, it’s still a snake.
Have him wash some of his toys with warm soap and water. Many children find this activity to be very relaxing and with the warm weather it can be done outside.
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My son was the same way structured activity and a 4 oz cup of coffee it helps more than the meds t that turned him in to a zombie
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I would ignore the behavior. He is attention seeking. Just walk away and eventually he will learn that he will not get attention or his way if that’s how he acts
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Get a hammock and have him swing in it for 20 minutes if he can handle it that long in the morning, evening and when he is out of control every day. When he is done swinging talk to him on how it made him feel (happy, sad, ok, mad, calm ). Using a swing has helped my autistic Grandson, and my three Granddaughters how are hyper.
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Sounds like he’s got a lot going on in his life. Someone mentioned a weighted blanket but if that’s too expensive a smaller size swim shirt. If it’s a little too small it will give slight pressure. If you have access to a swing that might help. Also, if he likes Daniel Tiger on PBS the show goes through a lot of kid situations and have great little songs to go with them that you can sing when he’s having an outburst.
Odd, means he has a brain that he cant control, my son was like this at 3 and still is at 36. Its worse if you spank them cause they dont know theres a issue them selfs. I got aw root beer that calms these children. He dont mean to be acting this way. Go to a child counselor it helps alot. My son became worse at 10 i put him in mental hospital 8 times heattack me with knifes, and hit me and punched me often if he didnt get what he wanted or his own way. Opisional deviant desorder…good luck to you.
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Talk to a child specialist. Doctor, physiologist. Get some help for you and your grandson.
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We have a four year old staying with us. We tried everything( no sugar etc.) . Nothing is working. He talks back, hits things and is just all over the place. When you find out…let me know.
When did this start? Maybe something is going on when he’s with his mother.
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I think instead of asking on this site he definitely has issues and has to see a doctor and get tested. Throwing things, kicking and punching IS NOT normal behavior for a 4yr old boy.
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Start watching Daniel tiger on pbs!
I am going to pray for you and your grandson and the family. There are so many comments here that have my mind spinning. I will pray.
try to reduce his sugar intake and feed as much organic food as possible.
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With adhd their brains need some extra time to relax. My son also see an occupational therapist at school 60 mins a week. It helps.
Poor little boy maybe his mom is telling him something about you or upsetting him. Dont let her see to often
Very short(1-2 minutes) consistent time outs, high chair,playpen, or lap with an explanation of why he is in time out.
It could be his diet, ADHD, or there’s could be trauma there, try a weighted blanket, and see if that helps, and start looking at his diet, it could be he’s taking in a lot of sugar, sugar is literally in almost everything, and even in things we don’t think of like condiments, that helped my son, to calm down
Try some relaxation techniques… such as deep breathing. Worked wonders with my nephew.
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The change of staying with his mom is probably causing the problem. Too much change
Take him to doc and have him every slated. It could be more than add or other things your guesting at
Stop babying this child when he starts walk away. As long as he is getting attention even negative attention he will continue acting like this. Walk away leave him be he will stop. Just be patient it will work.
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Hes a little boy in a confusing situation at home that can cause this.
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If he is really hyper coffee will calm him down.
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Take him to the park after dinner and let him run for like an hour and then come home shower and bed by 8-8:30
I would definitely get him evaluated by a physician and possibly a behavioral specialist. If you are totally against that route try eliminating processed sugars and possibly certain dyes in food. Ik if my grandson get red dye in any food or drink even the smallest pc of candy he loses all ability to control any emotion he may have and he’s like a completely different child.
And in my oldest it was the same but not w red dye it was w any processed sugar or any type of chocolate. Whether it was a PC of chocolate or chocolate milk or any chocolate flavored cereal. No chocolate period for her.
We are teaching our kids we all have emotions. Sometimes we need to release them here are some healthy ways.
Scream into a pillow.
Go for a run in the yard
Jump on the trampoline cause who can be mad on a trampoline?!
We also bought a blow up kiddy punching bag. We tell them since hitting others is mean and a no no you can hit this. It’s soft enough to not hurt little hands, blows up to about 2.5 feet tall and the bottom is weighted so it pops up when they knock it over. After a few seconds they’re normally giggling at it and we have much more success talking
Get some kinetic sand. Kids love it. It’s very relaxing to play with. You can order it from Amazon.
Routine will be huge. Also try offering a transition warning. I understand you tried to see about ADHD. Caffeine will help you tell. If you gibe some caffeine and he calms he is having an positive affect of the stimulant (caffine) would most likley be ADHD. Even if he isnt do some reading on ADHD, anxiety, high functioning autism, and sensory disorder. I am not in anyway saying he are any of these things but it will be able to help you with techniques on how to calm him and teach him how to calm himself
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Take him to a quiet place when u see melt down coming dont wait till its here head it off at the pass
Because he has to readjust to his mom. I didn’t see my sons for 20
Months because their father completely alienated me and would lie to me I went to court to fight to see them and they were hyper. But they missed me. So I can say as a mom that didnsupervised visits is HUGE change.
Have him checked for ADHD his pediatrician will refer you 
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Ask him why he is acting like that …maybe get him tee ball to play …maybe do a part project or make cookies with him