I’m struggling with this. My daughter, who I love to bits, is very sad with a guy who spends all his money each week on drugs and drinks. She says to me she knows he’ll never change, then each week she asks me for more money? Up until now, I’ve given it to her, but would I be a bad mum if I said I’m not doing it anymore because she needs to know what he’s doing isn’t right
98 Likes
Dont give her the money, as someone who had a boyfriend like that, it’s better to not give them anything and see if they hang around which they won’t if they have to money to leach from your daughter. The boyfriend is an asshole and you might have to be the bad guy to you daughter for a while but she’ll understand eventually xx also check that he isn’t emotionally/verbally abusing her for the money
Don’t give her money. I had a child with an addict but I NEVER asked anyone else for money to support HIS habit. I enabled him himself, I’ll admit that but I didn’t ask anyone else to do it.
You unfortunately can’t make her see she deserves better. It took me having a child with this man to realize my daughter and I deserved more before I finally left.
Stop giving her money, instead point her in the direction of taking on another job if she needs money that badly. Let her know your door is ALWAYS open to her, and her ALONE but you can’t keep giving her money. You may need to allow her to hit rock bottom before she sees the truth.
You cannot make her see for herself. She has to come around on her own. You do not, however, have to continue enabling her. If there’s a child involved, you can certainly buy necessities, but the adults can face the consequences of their actions.
I will tell you from experience that she is just as addicted to him as he is addicted to drugs and alcohol. So same rules apply. You cannot support her addiction but you can support her. No more money
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How can I make my daughter see her boyfriend is not good for her? - Mamas Uncut
No you are not being a bad mother. I know it’s hard but don’t give in. She will need to learn that enabling him is just going to make it worse. 
7 Likes
No sometimes the best thing is tough love.
7 Likes
You can’t. She will have to decide on her own.
… well something to try, is having male figure in her life step up and treat her how she should be treated. Then maybe she will see for herself that she can do better than what she has.
7 Likes
Don’t enable her by continuing to give money to your daughter so she can give it to her boyfriend.
14 Likes
How old is your daughter?? If she’s an adult, why are you giving her money?
7 Likes
Mommy, have you tested your daughter for drugs as well?
Please pm me, I’m 24, I was the dumb teen who didn’t want to listen to my mom and I and my son is suffering the consequences. I would love to talk to her and try to explain to her what could happen to her in the future.
Hopefully it can help.
8 Likes
No more. It’s not being a bad mother. Tough love and a wake up call. She could possibly be giving it to him for more drugs and alcohol
3 Likes
As harsh as this may sound, get yourself daughter tested for drugs!
I’m saying this from experience cause I did the exact same thing to my parents when I was a teenager and I was doing drugs too!
7 Likes
It’s not your BF and your daughter is making a choice just like this BF is doing. Sometimes you have to make hard choices in order to learn lessons. Tell her no. If she’s not providing money how else is he getting What he “needs “? She needs to see him in all his inappropriateness so she can decide if she’s done or not. She can’t help him by enabling and it’s truly something he has to do and he can only do it for himself. She can walk beside him but he’s got to change and no amount of crying or begging will do it if he’s got a full on addiction thing going on. Good luck.
1 Like
Stop giving money she won’t see his issues until she wants to.
5 Likes
As mother’s we have to give tough love even though it’s hard. And like someone said, you may need to test her as well as a precaution. She will have to see for herself that the guy she is dealing with is no good unfortunately.
3 Likes
let her learn…its the only way
2 Likes
I’m a firm believer in tough love… Sometimes they just have to learn on their own… I had to with something’s and I don’t hate my parents for it.
2 Likes
Unfortunately you can’t it’s something she has to see for herself eventually she will
2 Likes
Thats enabling!! DONT DO IT. God forbid either of them dont wake up. You don’t want that on your conscience.
Im confused. You’re giving her money. You said he spends HIS money on drugs and drinks. What does you giving her money have to do with anything? That being said, if she wants money she should get a job or if she has one, get a better one.
1 Like
You cant help those that wont help themselves. If you have actual PROOF he is abusing drugs, you could have a serious talk with her. And yes stop giving her money, more than likely YOU are paying for his drugs. And chances are she is using too or close to using too.
I wouldn’t give anymore money.
So no to money.but offer her a meal at your table
2 Likes
She’s enabling and by you giving money you are too 
2 Likes
Not at all. My mom made me realize on my own as well. You can only tell someone so much until you finally just have to let them learn. I was in an abusive relationship and she kept telling me to leave and I wouldn’t listen. She finally cut off all communication with me until finally I saw what she was talking about. I did actually end up pregnant by the guy but I saw what she was talking about and I found a way to leave. By that point I had to beg her to let me come home but I’m back home now it’s been a little over a year now and I’m so glad I left him! I did gain a beautiful daughter from it but at least he’s not around anymore!
She needs tough love. Don’t give her money and he won’t either and the struggle will get real. Hopefully she can see he is no good unless she’s doing the drugs with him.
Give her info on abuse and addiction to read. Don’t say anything or nag, just that she might find the info useful and leave it at that. What is she getting from the relationship and what is she afraid of if she leaves him? She can’t save him, only he can do that, and only when he’s ready. Maybe attend some Al-Anon meetings to get tips on how to deal with him and your daughter. See if your daughter would join you at a meeting or two. If her inclination is to help him, that might be the way to present it.
Invite her & her boyfriend to join you for activities that don’t offer drinking & gambling. Once she sees how agitated he gets looking for his fix she might think twice.
Ask other family members to do things with her that gets her away from him so she can see how much less stressful it is without him: girls night out, spa time, lunch or dinner w just her, saying they have two tickets to something and the other person couldn’t go, so could she, they’re in her area so could she meet them for coffee, etc.
She has to be the one making the decision to leave him though, and the more people bring him up, the more she’ll be likely to resist. If things get really bad for her (is she becoming an addict too? In any danger?), you may want to look into staging a professional intervention, just be sure you pay a professional to run it.
3 Likes
No you would be a great mom and stick to it give them no money
I wish my momma would of saved me from my abusive ex… stop sending the money, let her come home to you. She will leave when she realizes she can’t survive with him
2 Likes
Tough love. My sister in law lost her fiancé and went bad into drugs while she was living in my house I owned with my mother in law I rented to them. So me and her brother decided enough was enough we cut her off and kicked her out she moved and a month later over dosed and she realized we wasn’t playing after she over dosed she finally thank the lord realized that’s not the life she wanted and begged to come home so we set rules even though we wasn’t living in the house it was still my house so I told her to get her shit together and her life straight or I wouldn’t allow her back she came home followed my rules as the home owner and got clean. Sometimes tough love is what’s needed yes it hurt me to do those things to her but We saved her life from total destruction or even worse death! Don’t feel like your gonna be a bad mother for cutting her off.
You are being a better Mom if you DON’T give her money. Unfortunately, she needs to feel the consequences of the boyfriend’s bad choices. I would definitely let her know in advance that you will not be giving her money because you have been enabling them. Good luck. I hope your daughter and her boyfriend get help to overcome the addiction.
Oh, and if you’re still inclined to help your daughter financially, deliver home cooked food, help her clean her living place, give gift cards to healthy restaurants that don’t serve alcohol, gas coupons or bus passes, or other things that can’t be used for booze or gambling, though I suppose gift cards can be exchanged for cash.
She has to be ready to leave him, otherwise she won’t. You cutting off her money, isn’t gonna help her leave. It’s gonna be a reason to stay. And if things happen to get worse between them, if you cut her money off chances are she won’t tell you.
1 Like
You tell her if she needs help she can stay with you and you’ll help her financially until she is on her feet. But you won’t support her boyfriends addictions by supporting both of them.
2 Likes
Why would you want to support his habbit
1 Like
Speak up before it’s too late. You become what your environment is but also remember it’s her choice to stay or go. She’ll know when it’s time to leave but letting her know you’re worried about her and that you’re here for her will help her make that decision to get out of the relationship. Welcome her home, offer to let her stay there if she needs until she finds a place of her own. Help her find a job. Let her know you’re not trying to control her or make decisions for her, you’re just trying to help her because you love her.
you cant make her see it you can only be there for her but you need to stop giving the money which is enabling her to get him more.
1 Like
Stop enabling her who’s enabling him. Time for some tough love. It’s going to gurt like heck, but you need to draw a line.
3 Likes
I would ask her what she needs and buy that for her stop giving her cash. I had to do that for my daughter I would take her to the store but stopped giving her any cash what so ever she wasn’t happy but it helped me
1 Like
There is nothing u can do to get her to leave him. U can tell her a million and one times and she won’t listen because she feels like she does care and has a thin sense of hope he may change. Ive been there and she won’t leave until she’s ready. But id stop enabling it all together I wouldn’t give them anymore money but id still try and keep in touch with her
1 Like
Tough love you enabling both cut them off
1 Like
Simple answer is you can’t.
Stop giving her more money. 
1 Like
You cannot make anyone see toxic behavior, but you can stop giving financial assistance.
3 Likes
She needs to come back home and re evaluate!!
When my husband was in active addiction he would literally beg me for hours to ask my parents for money after he would take what money I had. If I got money for what my son needed he would take it. So I just started asking them to buy my son diapers and anything he needed instead of giving me money. And if I did get money I would send them receipts, not because they asked but I wanted them to know I truly needed it. I would 100% show tough love. Buy what she needs and have her proof what she was buying with the money. Chances are as soon as she gets it, he’s taking it.
You’re not being a bad mom by cutting off money that your daughter’s funneling to a guy with a drug and alcohol problem you’re being a good mom and you tell your daughter you’re not giving her a damn time because you know what she’s doing with it this is tough love if your daughter’s underage hey you can tell her she can’t see him but if she’s a beige you can’t stop but there but what’s you can do can I have the local police station or maybe the drug center where they treat people maybe even into a hospital emergency room when they’re not busy I say got some pictures or information on what you deal with when people overdose and all that kind of stuff and make your show look at the hardcore pictures this is what happens when you pass out from drugs or you die from drugs or you’re driving while intoxicated you got to get absolutely as tough as you can if this clowns going to hit the wall because of his drugs and alcohol so be it don’t let him take your daughter with him Jimbo
Been there done that. She is settling for what she thinks she deserves and he will stay with her as long as he has his fixes bc of your money and her letting him get away with it . Took me almost 4 years to leave a relationship like theirs but my mom stopped giving us things and going out with us , just talked to me on the phone if I was allowed to talk to her and sometimes seeing her . She will move on eventually, probably damaged, but it seems like she has a mother who cares and will always welcome her home with open arms which is what she will need . Just give it time she will get fed up and come to her senses 
Don’t send the money just help her out with other stuff if she needs it. Also from personal experience the more my mom told me to leave my ex the more I wanted to stay just to prove her wrong. I was 18 and stupid but that’s how I felt. I didn’t want her to look at me like “I told you so”. So I stayed for 4 more years. Once she called me and told me “No matter what you can always come home, I’ll be here and I’m not judging your choices. I figured out that you are trying to prove me wrong and that’s fine just know I’m here.” I left my ex less then 2 months later.
Stop giving. And its probably one of those life lessons she’ll have to learn on her own. 🤷
2 Likes
Don’t enable her. Instead give her a better offer. Offer her a chance to come back home for free. Offer help to get back on her feet. Send her out of state with family if you have too.
2 Likes
They have to learn from there mistakes. They have to learn the hard way.
1 Like
Your enabling them. How old is she. Why are you giving her money if she’s an adult.
2 Likes
If you want to assist financially you could buy groceries, fill up gas tanks so you know the money is going to the right thing. But if the he is using the cash on drinks and drugs I think it’s completely fair to say no more.
3 Likes
You need to stop giving money and enabling. If she is hungry or needs to wash clothes, she can come to your house alone.
3 Likes
Don’t give the money. Once she’s got no money to spend he won’t be interested any more
1 Like
You wont make her see it until she wants to. Stop giving her money. You’re enabling it. Maybe when the funds dry up, her eyes will open. Maybe not. Either way stop supporting her bad choices, shes an adult.
8 Likes
Stop giving her money. If you want to help buy her food or bring her a cooked meal. Anything outside of that, they can sell or return and get money. Step back. Give her time to see on her own without your input. Think of it this way, the more you try and force her to leave, the more you’ll force her to stay. Bringing her home won’t make her leave him. She needs to be ready. Not you, not her friends, not her family, her. It’s hard to watch a loved one especially our children to through things like this but honestly it’s their life, their choice. Be her safe place, emotionally support her, and don’t constantly bad mouth the boyfriend because it will push her away from confiding in you. Reassure her you’re there when she needs you but you just can’t support her financially. Just love her. You’re not a bad mom for wanting her to leave or cutting her off. Unfortunately she’s an adult and will make her choices. Cutting her completely off and staying away will make her feel alone. Take her out, do weekend girls trips, spend time with her, and show her there’s more to life but do it by showing her and not telling her every time you talk or go somewhere. She’ll see it and she’ll want it on her own with a little help from you. So the money you hand to her use it to show her something fun.
3 Likes
All your doing is being an enabler. Stop the cycle. When she can’t give him anymore money he will leave the relationship
2 Likes
Chances are hes just with her for the money. If you stop giving it to her he’d probably leave on his own.
1 Like
Do not give her another dime, you are enabling her. If she is hungry, buy her a meal, but by giving her money you are making yourself part of the problem.
3 Likes
No. You’re not a bad mom for stopping. I only left my bad relationship when I hit rock bottom and had no where left to turn If he was with me.
1 Like
You just gotta let her learn. I know it sounds harsh, but if you continue to point out how bad he is or whatever, she’ll have animosity toward you and likely won’t tell you anything about her dating life. Good or bad.
Instead of money, offer her sanctuary (ie shes hungry she can come by and you’ll feed her but giving her money enables her and him to keep coming for money.)
4 Likes
There’s nothing you can do . This has to be her choice and she has to make it. If u push u push her away .
I am a recovering addict and I’m telling you, you have to stop helping her enable him, Once that happens he will either lose interest in her or show her his true colors, either way hopefully he’ll show her that he’s just using her, and please make sure your watching for the warning signs of addiction with your daughter, it happens all the time, they wonder why is this drug so much more important than I am, why am I paying for it when I get nothing out of it or they start using to be closer to the addict, and before they know it boom they’re addicted that’s how it happened with my husband and I. I started using to cope with the death of my brother and my husband thought if he was using with me then I wasn’t able to use as much and before I knew it we we’re both addicted. If you want to keep helping her then buy the stuff she needs but under no circumstances give them any more cash, that’s what my family did for me. They still wanted to support me but they didn’t want to enable me and to this day I’m so grateful that they always stayed by my side and never ever stop reminding her how special she is and that you’ll always be there for her. Eventually it will all work out.
6 Likes
Don’t give her any money. Sit down with her and talk about her future. Ask her to picture the next year, 5 years, 10 years, and describe her goals and how she will get there. Talk to her about mistakes you made with boys, or friends made.
1 Like
Do not enable her. She has to learn on her own. I was in an abusive marriage for years- we don’t leave until we have had enough… you may have to keep your distance from her to protect your own heart. Hopefully it won’t take her long to see she needs to let him go. I’m sorry your going through this momma 
4 Likes
Matter of time before she lowers her judgment and his problems become her own problem.
STOP giving her money and don’t allow him to stay over night at your house
3 Likes
Thats called enabling stop it.If she chooses to be with that she needs to figure it out on her own…
1 Like
No, youre enabling it.
If it was my daughter, id take her to a womans shelter to volunteer for a few days. Let her speak to the ladies about their life and what they have been threw because of being with a addict or being a addict theirself. My father was a addict. He beat my mother half to death and made her walk 2 miles to get pizza for us, with a broken jaw and ribs. Ill never forget my brother packing our stuff in trash bags at the age of 7 after my dad passed out so we could get away. Sometimes speaking to someone whos been in her shoes will open her eyes and her heart more than someone just telling her what they thinknis best for her. I wouldn’t give her money anymore. If she needs something offer to pay for it, gas, food, groceries. Im worried shes giving him the money and in return you are both supporting his habbit. Ask her where she sees herself with him in 2 years 4 years 6 years. Will he be in jail, will he overdose and die. Have they spoke about a rehab for him? A in patient one. Id tell her if she wants to get away she can stay with you. To look at what her future would be with him and without him. Pros and cons. Id tell my daughter she could stay with me if she starts fresh without him. Or she can figure it out on her own with him but you wouldnt be supporting her boyfriends habit because you dont want that on your heart. Im hioe she will do whats beat for herself and start a freah journey and focuse on herself.
I am was with a drug addict and we share a son. For years my mom would tell me how bad he was for me and that I could leave and I would be ok. 7 years and although I heard her I didn’t listen. We become codependent and it hurts. Unfortunately there isn’t anything you can say to make her leave. Just be there for her, but stop giving her $. Eventually she will want a different life but it’ll have to be when she’s ready.
1 Like
Coming from someone who 3 1/2 sober off hard drugs, if u enable the addict u bury the addict the end of that road only ends in prison or death I am sorry to be blunt but it’s the truth stop giving her money stop the free ride let them hit rock bottom that’s when they will get help just talking from personal experience
2 Likes
Cut the money off now. He be gone
4 Likes
Absolutely STOP giving her money. You’re enabling her to stay and keep the cycle going. If she’s forced to make a choice between him/his drug habit and getting what she needs, she will eventually get sick of his selfishness and make the choice herself, which is the only way it’ll stick for good. Tell her, she is always welcome at your house, but he is not and be honest on why. Tell her you don’t want to see her or him continue down this path, but at this point you no longer can continue enable and contribute to this situation by constantly bailing her out. She isn’t going to make that decision until she has to, if she ever is going to. You telling her he isn’t good for her isn’t going to do any good, but not contributing and letting her fail is the only way she will ever come to that decision on her own.
4 Likes
You need to cut her off financially
It doesnt makw you a good mom
2 Likes
U shouldn’t have been giving her
Stop giving her money.
2 Likes
I wouldn’t give her money but the harder you try to pull them apart the harder they’ll hold on … Just let her learn her life lesson
1 Like
stop giving her money. I know it be hard seeing her struggle but she has to come to terms herself
2 Likes
When you figure it out let me know. My son is in the same situation.
Your totally standing your ground your doing the right thing by not giving it to her
1 Like
Cut her off financially honestly. Is he abusive towards her tho is the real question
She is trauma bonded to him. Have her look it up. If she knows why maybe she’ll see she deserves better. There are so many men out there at the very least get a sober one
Time for some tough love Mom !! You can do it !!
STOP giving her money for one. That in itself will tell her tons. She needs to realize things on her own. Definitely bring up how bad he is to her but she needs to figure stuff out for herself.
never stop being there for her but probably stop giving her money. she knows and sees what shes a part of when shes fed up shell have her mama by her side
2 Likes
Why would you give money for a lost cause
1 Like
He’ll no. If he has bad habits he alone should support them.
You are enabling the crappy situation if you keep it up. It is hard to say no but you can do it and it won’t hurt them
1 Like
You will be a better mom when you STOP giving her money when you know it will go to his unhealthy wants.
2 Likes
Don’t give her money
2 Likes
You can’t, she has to figure that out on her own. And she will eventually just like we all did. Heartbreak and bad boyfriends help shape us into the women we become.
2 Likes
Yep, time for some tough love
2 Likes
Very similair situation. I feel your concern and my heart hurts for you. You are going to have to make a really hard choice right now. Actually the choice is easy the consequences can be difficult. If you love your daughter then don’t enable her to destroy herself. If you have never been in love with somebody who is an addict then consider yourself lucky because in my own personal experience loving an addict destroys you before it destroys them. So in essence your daughter is willfully unknowingly and innocently destroying herself. If you continue to provide her with what she needs then you are helping her destroy herself. You have 3 options here:
-
You can continue to provide her with money, etc… and watch YOUR BABY slowly and painfully lose who she is.
-
You can provide her an option to continue recieving financial help, as in: " I will give you $____ per week if you attend therapy to deal with your relationships and self esteem. You will need to make and attend a weekly appointment to recieve your aid, you must provide proof of attendance by signing a release of information listing my name/info. ". That way you can call and verify her attendance. You can also voice your concerns to her therapist… But DO NOT ask the therapist about what they’re discussing because it really isn’t any of your business your only business is to make sure that she’s getting the help she needs.
-
Is she does not want to go to therapy then she does not want your help that badly. If she does not attend her appointment NO MATTER THE REASON OR EXCUSE then you do not provide any sort of aid, nothing, not a ride, not a penny… nothing! If your daughter is not willing take care of herself, anything you provide is only going to cause more damage to her. If she is unwilling take care for her mental/emotional needs then you have to stop helping her ignore her need. You have to realize that any help you provide is contributing to her destruction and could eventually be fatal. STOP SUPPORTING HER SELF-DESTRUCTION.
Now… Here is the worst consequence that you could face…
A little over two years ago I told my daughter, when she moved in with her boyfriend that if she stayed in school continued weekly therapy and volunteered at a local nonprofit for 10 hours a week that I would continue to provide her an allowance ($300-500 a month depending on what she had going on). Six months later, she still had not done as promised. No school, no therapy, nothing but excuses.
I should not have waited to enforce the end of allowance. But that’s my baby girl my heart and soul and I thought that I was doing the right thing and that she would do what she said she was going to. After six months, I cut off her allowance. She was angry, mean and hateful. The last time I saw her, the day I cut her off, ( I don’t think she believes I was actually going to do it) was at a burger king a couple blocks from her house. We always had to meet somewhere else because for some strange reason she had been told that I was never allowed to come over there ever (Im a social worker, pretty sure that had something to do with it) my last memory was hugging her, telling her I loved her and the last thing I said to her as I turned to walk away was “Baby, when you have somebody who is always in your corner, no matter what, you don’t do wrong by them.”
The last time we spoke was that day a year and a half ago. Shortly after she realized she had been cut off she reacted in anger and spread many lies about me, contacted several of my friends telling them more lies and that she was concerned and needed to go look for me and could they send her money so that she could go find her mom, or other attempts to get money from people.
So that is the painful consequence. I feel like a part of me is missing without her in my life and it hurts deeply but I can sleep at night knowing that I am not responsible for providing her a way to continue her own destruction.
I also know that eventually she will come to me and I know this from experience because when my mom cut me off it took about three years for me to talk to her but I did finally swallow my pride.
I wish you all the best and I hope that everything works out for you and for your baby girl.
Brag on him get close to him and ignore her. She will not want anything to do with him anymore
Don’t give it to her anymore. She has to realize this is a situation she doesn’t need to be in. When she decides she’s done, have her come to you. I was in a relationship for 3 years with mental and verbal abuse and it took me 3 years to leave it. When I did my family was there for me took in my son and i. I was bouncing from his parents house to my own before I got tired of it. I’m with someone who within a year got our own place, have another little boy and are doing quite well. It’ll take time but she’ll realize she’s in a bad situation but she has to come to terms with it on her own.