How Can I Push Past the Pain and Learn to Co-Parent with My Cheating Ex?

QUESTION:

"I have a three-year-old daughter with my husband. I filed for divorce after one of his side pieces confronted me in his presence and claimed they were in a relationship for as long as we have been married.

My question is: I have so much hurt and anger against him. I’m currently in counseling for my own healing, getting through this hell. However, I have to co-parent with him.

Currently, we share the same house; it’s in both of our names. Tomorrow he will be served with the divorce papers. He has no idea. I have tried to make things work, but he refuses everything, even counseling.

He now sleeps out most nights. I now feel like I was the owner who had the affairs (there are others). I have had enough. I am a working mother. My question is, how do I co-parent with him in a peaceful manner? Pushing back the hurt and pain and anger I feel. Advice needed."

RELATED QUESTION: Struggles With Co-Parenting: Advice?

TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):

“First of all, I’m in awe of your courage!! I can’t imagine having to stay with him in the house. Don’t leave. Make him leave. The co-parenting without wanting to bash him over the head every time you see him a little later. You are so hurt and raw right now you can barely make it through the day. You need to document everything. Don’t ask him to help you. Ignore him when you can but be cordial when you have to talk to him. You don’t want to give him any ammo. I’m sorry this happened. Lean on friends and family. Be honest. Stay strong. Love yourself and your little one.”

“Co-parenting is all about the kids. You have to put personal feelings aside and let him be the dad that he wants to be. It’s definitely hard but once this settles down you will be glad you put your daughter’s feelings first.”

“First thing, you two need your own places. Secondly, only communicate about your child. Bless you. Once you heal try to make things as easy as possible for your daughter.”

“Oh wow really feel for you. Just think of the love you have for your daughter with the co-parenting and do it because of her that’s still her dad and she loves him no matter what. I can’t imagine how much pain you feel. But you got this. You’re going to be a beautiful strong independent woman.”

“Focus on the love you have for your child and know that she has the same love for both of her parents. So how happy she is growing up is completely dependent on how you treat each other. You deserve to be more than just a side piece to your own husband, let his side chick have him and she’ll learn really fast that it’s who he is and he’ll probably cheat on her too.”

“Just remember your daughter deserves the best from both of you. It is no longer about you as adults, but about her. Time will help to heal and you being in separate households would also help as you wouldn’t see him every day. Be strong for your little and you’ll make it through!”

“Been here… ONLY talk about the child. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t try to argue about everything. My mom told me, “he meant what he did, or he wouldn’t have done it.” That right there made me realize no matter how much I yelled, or how many times I was petty, there was no going back. Just talk about the child and only the child. Everything else can be done through the lawyers.”

“That’s horrible what he did to you. Just focus on moving forward and your child/ren. Since the house is in both your names, sell and split the profits or one of you buy the other out. Split custody 50/50. Child expenses (school, clothes, doctor bills, etc) split 50/50. Only communicate about the divorce and kids. Good luck dear!”

“You need to have as little contact with him possible. Only about the child and only when necessary. Have a custody agreement in place and stick to it unless there are rare circumstances that occur. Your problem is that none of these things are in place yet so you are stuck in the hurtful and stressful time. Once everything falls into place you will start to feel much better. What is happening is super hard to deal with right now, but things have a way of turning out for the best. You will be sooo much better off soon. I promise.”

“Just take it one day at a time. I would just be (be there for yourself and child) and not try to force or be overly helpful towards him… once you aren’t under the same roof it will help as well…”

“The best you can do is what you did, to file papers. Don’t leave your house and try to get everything solved in a civilized manner. Co-parent the best way possible for the sake and sanity of the children. There is nothing more you can do.”

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I’m so sorry mama, you’re stronger than most for divorcing him. Goodluck.

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Whoever this is send me a message.

I understand your pain but you have to put your feelings aside when it comes to co-parenting or its going to be a nightmare. Same goes for him.

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Oh wow really feel for you. Just think of the love you have for your daughter with the co parenting and do it because of her thats still her dad and she loves him no matter what. I cant imagine how much pain you feel. But you got this. Your going to be a beautiful strong independent woman.

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It’s not about you. It’s about your child and what’s best for her.

My ex was a piece of shit. Cheated on me for years with so many women. Was abusive, controlling, manipulative. He dragged me through court for over a year. Not just me, but my unborn daughter, my current husband, my entire family. It was a nightmare.

However, we have a pretty peaceful comparent relationship. Can’t stand each other, but ITS NOT ABOUT US. Period. It’s about her. I see so many parents (women especially) who make their anger for their ex a priority over their children and it’s wrong.

My advice is too not let your anger and resentment into your co parent relationship. Get counseling for yourself so you can heal. So you can resolve those feelings in a healthy way.

Custody court is almost always ugly. Settle at 50 50. Split custody and time. Try to meet in the middle as much as you can. It sucks and it’s hard, but it’s not impossible. Custody judges do not like it when dirty laundry is aired in the court room unless it specifically relates to the child like abuse or drug use.

Technically you don’t have to even talk on the phone just basic texts work and it’s great for court purposes as well only text what needs to be addressed for the children and move on and find yourself and know that his choices have nothing to do with you not being good enought and that your baby will love you no matter what their are some many things to help you along the way but maybe start slow and make some good friends start going out do a paint and wine night ! Find a support system that’s healthy !!! Besides coucling that’s great but they aren’t really the person you wanna sit on the couch with while you try to make new happy memories !! This to shall pass the pain will lessen everyday and soon it will be like it never happens you will be so caught up with a newer happier life With out him

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First thing, you two need your own places. Secondly, only communicate about your child. Bless you. Once you heal try to make things as easy as possible for your daughter.

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Get a good lawyer.dont live in the same house as him.have him see your child in his own place. Take baby steps to start life over without him.you deserve better.just look at him like he’s a coworker.i wish you the best. love yourself.

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Co-parenting is all about the kids. You have to put personal feelings aside and let him be the dad that he wants to be. Its definitely hard but once this settles down you will be glad you put your daughters feelings first.

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Just remember your daughter deserves the best from both of you. It is no longer about you as adults , but about her. Time will help to heal and you being in separate households would also help as you wouldn’t see him everyday. Be strong for your little and you’ll make it through!

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That’s horrible what he did to you. Just focus on moving forward and your child/ren. Since the house is in both your names, sell and split the profits or one of you buy the other out. Split custody 50/50. Child expenses (school, clothes, doctor bills, etc) split 50/50. Only communicate about the divorce and kids. Good luck dear!

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First of all I’m in awe of your courage!! I can’t imagine having to stay with him in the house. Don’t leave. Make him leave. The co-parenting without wanting to bash him over the head every time you see him a little later. You are so hurt and raw right now you can barely make it through the day. You need to document everything. Don’t ask him to help you. Ignore him when you can but be cordial when you have to talk to him. You don’t want to give him any ammo. I’m sorry this happened. Lean on friends and family. Be honest. Stay strong. Love yourself and your little one. :blush::pray::pray:

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You need to have as little contact with him possible. Only about the child and only when necessary. Have a custody agreement in place and stick to it unless there are rare circumstances that occur. Your problem is that none of these things are in place yet so you are stuck in the hurtful and stressful time. Once everything falls into place you will start to feel much better.
What is happening is super hard to deal with right now, but things have a way of turning out for the best. You will be sooo much better of soon. I promise

Ouch! If I understand this, you two still share the same household? If so, it makes it hard. You simply can’t shutdown your heart.

You have to find the power to remember- co-parenting is best for your child. What helped me is DBT training. My ex would bring up the past. I would repeat " I hear what you’re saying. But today we are working on a parenting plan for our son." Every time he went off topic, I would repeat that. Early on, he knew he could side track me waste our session.

Today, we communicate only about our son. We keep things amiable for our son.

Let him go, pray for guidance

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Just make sure he is a good parent to her

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The best you can do is what you did, to file papers. Dont leave your house and try to get everything solved in a civilized manner. Coparent the best way possible for the sake and sanity of the children. There is nothing more you can do.

He hurt you not your baby, see it that way, she loves him and doesnt have a clue of how much of a piece of shit he is, and in the states dont judges favour the “good spouce” so have all the locks changed once hes been served with the papers so he knows hes fucked…do not have any contact with him unless it is to do with your kid, and make sure it’s all through txt or email so you have it all on record, if he rings decline and send txt…and what ever you do do not let your anger and hurt show in front of him cause he will play on that and use it against you by pushing your buttons to get negative reactions that could hamper your case…you are already in councelling babe you are doing a great job already by working on yourself…you’ve for this

First things first, one of you HAS to leave the house. Contact a lawyer to see if there’s a way that you can put his a** out. If not is there family or someone that you can stay with until the housing situation is settled? Once you’re in a separate living space things may get a little easier.

If he’s a good dad you’ll have to separate your feelings from it.

Whenever you get a negative feeling just try your best to remind yourself that your daughter loves her dad and how happy she is to see him and spend time with him. Ultimately its about her happiness. Don’t have any contact with him other than parenting related act like he doesnt even exist. What an ASSHOLE. I wish this never would have happened to you but you will get through it with your integrity because you stayed loyal and you know you were the one who did things right. Take comfort in the fact that you are a much better person.

Been here…ONLY talk about child. I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t try to argue about everything. My mom told me, “he meant what he did, or he wouldnt have done it.” That right there made me realize no matter how much I yelled, or how many times I was petty, there was no going back. Just talk about child and only the child. Everything else can done thru the lawyers

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I had a similar situation with my boyfriend we had been together for 9 years lived together have 2 kids together he left one weekend and came home and a lady sent me a picture of their marriage license he had married her instead of me had been messing with alot of women it was hard to co parent with him bc of everything but its about the kids he has always been a good father just not a good partner I drop them off to him and don’t talk to him unless its about our kids he has tried multiple times to come back but I’m over now it took me 3 years to be over it but my kids love him so I can’t be negative about him he does make sure his kids are taken care of.

Just remember u both are the child parent, deal with him only things about the child. It’s important to your child that either parent talks negative about the other. The child was conceived out of love, it’s important they feel love from both. Your pain will go away and awesome day u will find your happiness and realize this made u a stronger person good luck

You need your on space I wish you the best

Just talk about what has to be dealt with. You aren’t obligated to be his friend. You don’t have to rehash and delve into the things that happened between you.

Make everything official.

With time.
It’s taken me 2 years so far, similar situation.
Lean on friends and family for support.

You don’t need to contact him in any way shape or form unless it is regarding your daughter. I would just keep his number tell him to move out and to only contact you on days he wants to see her. Or you move out whichever is best. Come to an agreement of who will leave and then just discuss what days you’s want her x

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Focus on the love you have for your child and know that she has the same love for both of her parents. So how happy she is growing up is completely dependent how you treat each other.

You deserve to be more than just a side piece to your own husband, let his side chick have him and she’ll learn really fast that it’s who he is and he’ll probably cheat on her too

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Don’t make it about him at all. Just make it about your kid. The truth is y’all can hate each other and still raise a good kid. Not the ideal situation but you’ll get through it.

Just know you were doing the right thing so don’t feel guilty it sucks being in an extremely one-sided relationship

But now you do have to put your feelings aside for him focus on the kids and nothing else and hopefully he will be on the same page with you about it

Put on your adult pants and do what’s best for the child.

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Rant and rave only to safe people (close friends, family) and outside of those safe people act like you never gave a shit. Fake it till you make it. Make any decision as if its a business decision you’re making for the kids. I promise you’ll look back and be so proud of how you held yourself together.

Being Away from him will help. During the divorce you’ll have to sell any joint items that are in both y’all’s names. Use your half of the sale to get a different place without him in it. You can’t push through if you have to look at the problem every single day bc you live together

For me I also caught my husband cheating emotionally cheating once and actually cheating twice… I have also felt the pain… we are now divorced and he has the days he intitled to and thats that… and I don’t communicate with him unless I absolutely have 2. Which is never

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Trust God :pray::revolving_hearts: ya, there’s nothing to hard for God to do :heart_decoration:

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Until any healing is done, living under the same roof is going to be impossible to move forward. Until either you or him get the house in the divorce I say lean on friends/ family for support and speak to your therapist about this.

Just take it one day at a time. I would just be (be there for yourself and child) and not try to force or be overly helpful towards him… once you aren’t under the same roof it will help as well…

Sweetie, I am doing this now. I’ve been divorced from my oldest 2 kids father for almost 9 years now but I know exactly what you’re going thru. He had an affair and wouldn’t work on anything, fought at every point, then disappeared. When he came back he and his wife were not easy to deal with and I was stressed and miserable. The only thing that kept me sorta ok was keeping in mind that everything I was doing was in the best interest of my kids. I had people to vent to, people I trusted to listen, I cried, a lot, but everything I did between me and their father was for my kids. It took a few years, but now we’re good! They’ve even come out with their kids to play with mine. Stay strong hun, it will get easier.

Its about your kid…Not you or him

Tell this ass to move out now for the sake of the child!!!

Text as much as you can & avoid each other. Be out of the house with your child as much as possible. Have him move in with one of his other women if possible. See if you can make a schedule where you can each spend time with your child separately. Alternate who does dinner, baths, story time, whatever so you don’t have to interact.

Take care of yourself. Long baths with the door locked after you put your child to bed, walks with or without your child (take flashlight at night). You are a beautiful person inside and out and you deserve SO much better than this deceitful POS.

This will be incredibly difficult until one of you moves out (preferably him), then it will just be difficult. I’m so sorry. Have friends come over to support you as much as possible. Put a paper calendar in your room and X off the days so you can see how far you’ve come.

Set little goals for things to look forward to: haircut, night out with girls, yoga class, nails done (with your daughter if you want), trip to a local attraction with your child, etc. Get through it one day, one hour, one minute at a time. Meditate. At least you have time at work away from the bastard and are seeing a counselor. Give yourself credit for every little victory over your anger/sadness/hurt/fear. Put gold stars on that calendar for each.

You have this army of women on here rooting for you and a different happy future than you expected.

Focus on the fact that when you had your little one you loved him then. Your excitement of having a child together and all the hopes and dreams you had for that babies life. You still want those same hopes and dreams, just not as a couple. Your relationship with him has nothing to do with your baby, and (hopefully) he’s a better parent than husband.
As mentioned above, it’s essential that you liquidate any and all assets so that you can get some distance from him. Seeing him everyday is only keeping the wounds raw and that’s the last thing you need right now. I don’t know if it’s even possible but maybe take a little time away, maybe at parents, best friends, siblings house to grieve the loss of your marriage. Letting some of the hurt out is very helpful.

Mediators hun :clap: they are a god send and great people to have

My husband tried to to take my kids when I told him it was over.He knows my kids are my weakness. So he wanted to hit me were he knew it would hurt. We have been separated for 10 years and I’m still having issues letting it go. I dont talk to him unless I really have to about the kids. When I have to see him. It takes every thing in me to keep from smacking the crap out if him.(that’s me putting it nicely). So living in the same house and for cheating, that’s alot to have to deal with. Its so… hard not to feel anger. You can feel it. You just have to control it. And not let it stop you from moving on. So, the answer is slowly. its going to take time. And you may always feel some type of way towards him. But remember your doing this for your child You hold your tongue and keep your mouth shut for your child.

Wow good for you!! You have takes steps to help yourself and heal. It will be hard but your child is the focus, I don’t think you’ll lose site of that. Just keep your head held high you deserve better :revolving_hearts:

He sounds like a shitty husband, but is he a good Dad. Your heart will eventually heal but you hit it on the head. Co parent in the best interest of your child. A child can not be the pawn between fighting parents. If he’s not a good Dad, pick up your child support check and his loss. Do the very best you can raising your child alone.

Co parenting is abt ur kid not u or his personal feelings towards each other… Ur gonna have to suck it up and deal. If he’s a shitty dad, u have to go thru legal channels. If he’s a good dad, then he has rights to c his kid.

You vent to friends and family and keep the little one out of it. The kids is only 1/2 of you the other 1/2 is him. It hurts the kids to think that they are not whole. Just keep it mommy and daddy both love you even if we can’t love each other, all the time, and dont talk bad about him in the presence of the child.

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Put your child first. All your hurt and hate takes a back seat there when the child is not around you can hate all you want. It’s a hard pill to swallow but that child will respect you and you will respect yourself

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Your only hope for true genuine peace is to be sure you have a saving loving relationship with Jesus Christ, first and foremost.

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It’s about your child. Not you. You will heal. Your child is innocent. Let the douche go. You will be drinking champagne when he wished he had a beer. :purple_heart:

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Grow a set of balls and do what is best for your child. I can’t believe things were that bad for so long and you had no clue. Open ur eyes to the world around you and quit being one of those lame ass timid women that can’t handle lifes issues.

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Firstly i would get court orders regarding the child because he could take her and you could have to go through courts to get her back… make custody arrangements official. Without them, if he takes her, its parenting, not kidnapping, and likewise.

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Treat it like a business relationship. Professional conversations. Email or text everything for records. Agreements are legally done (court or a notary). Etc.

But also document everything! When he shows up, when and what he texts, etc.

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It really just takes time. Gotta grit and bear it. Keep up with therapy. It took me over a year to make do parenting a minimum of civil.

Avoid him. You don’t speak to him unless it’s about your kids. Even if you’re living together. Ask him to move out since he has somewhere else to stay. Doesn’t really sound like he’s very present for your children either if he’s out most nights.

Interact with him as little as possible. Take yourself and your kids on vacation and get away from his toxic presence for a while. Even if that vacation is to your parents or something like that.

Don’t waste any time or energy on trying to tell him how he hurt you. He knew what he was doing and he didn’t give a damn.

Record every conversation you have with him. Send texts and emails instead of phone calls so there are records.

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I’m so sorry for what’s happening to you!!! You’re in a very rough spot, but I would say that focusing on your daughter and thinking about her first could help you move past your own feelings… but if you find yourself unable at times, don’t be too harsh on yourself, you have a right to feel wounded… but try no to let that get the best of you :slight_smile: you’ll pull through, you’ll be able to heal, give yourself time and, as I said, think about everything that you can do to make life better for your baby… best of lucks! God bless you!

Well by law U don’t have to say Jack shit to him as long as the communication for his kids are open msgs calls etc…my ex beat and cheated on me … I speak to his mum she takes our daughter to see her dad I barely know he’s alive and don’t have to speak unless concerning our daughter which hardly comes up.

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We were not married but I’d something very similar and everything that had t do with our daughter was business like. When it came to the personal stuff not so much. But a year has passed and I could give a crap less. It’s hard, but the feelings of anger will pass. Hugs momma!

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Go through a mediator.

Two words: Paper trail! Go to the courts and get everything documented, esp with custody arrangements, child support if you seek it. Call your mortgage and ask about how you can get him off the loan or ask the courts. But absolutely have everything documented. Designate a safe place for drop offs and pick ups with child. Keep a log of who has your child (sounds trivial and ridiculous at first) but it pays off so that you can have a paper trail if things get sketchy. You will have proof of dates and times. But absolutely get a custody agreement, if hes got “side pieces” idk how i would feel about my child going around random chicks if they were there so that could also be something to ask the court. Just remember, no question is a stupid question. And it absolutely never hurts to ask. Best of luck!

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I know this sounds so contrived but you have to love your daughter 10 times more than you hate your ex!
She didn’t do anything to deserve this situation. She’s only 3. This is going to be hard on her. The best thing you can do is to keep interactions with him to an absolute minimum with dropping off/ picking up your child. Have everything prearranged and just be super happy to see her when she’s coming home. :slightly_smiling_face:
This is a shitty situation but you have to swallow your feelings towards your ex for the sake of your child’s wellbeing. :revolving_hearts: you deserve so much more but she still deserves her daddy. He might be a shit husband but he may not be the worst father. :broken_heart:

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It’s gonna take time brokenness healing takes a long time I’m dealing with it. Now I lefted him for 6monthes but I still keep my gaurd up it’s hard 23 years he cheated but I forgave but just be com don’t let him get to you get prayed up and just do you your worth more let him keep that side bitch well when I seen it I hit here 3 times I’m face it’s hard to see it then I hit him then I told her she can have him but since you have kids just stay prayed up be strong don’t show him your mad you will heal in time

Do whatever you can do for your Daughter, he’s toxic, let your lawyer do the talking, pic up and drop your daughter off with a smile, Karma is a bitch, he’ll get his.

Keep seeing the counselor