Hi, just looking for advice. I have a four-year son and a boyfriend of two and a half years. We currently live in a home with my grandfather. We moved here a year ago so that I could take care of my grandmother while she was sick. After she passed, we stayed because I didn’t want to leave my grandfather alone as he had never been without my grandmother and didn’t really know how to take care of himself (laundry, cooking, cleaning). Everything has been fine until a few weeks ago. My grandfather started getting really nasty towards me. Saying I don’t cook or clean or do enough around the house. That he’s sick of living with 30-year-olds. Just picking at me here and there all throughout the day. (Side note: I also work two jobs as does my boyfriend). My boyfriend has been getting sick of how to mean my grandfather is to me but wouldn’t voice it because he didn’t want to disrespect my grandfather. But while I was at work the other day my grandfather confronted him and told him he was ruining my life and that he wasn’t good enough for me and that he used to like him, but he’s now decided he’s a terrible person. My boyfriend finally couldn’t hold back and told my grandfather he hates how he disrespects me and treats me badly all the time. And that he’s sick of watching me bend over backward to make him happy to just have him yell at me every day. My grandfather told my boyfriend he had to leave the house. So he is staying with his sister at the moment. We found a house to rent and are planning to move in a few weeks as soon as the owner has it ready. I tried to speak to my grandfather today and told him it’s time my son and I move out and that we would be leaving soon. My grandfather freaked out at me, telling me we can’t leave and that I’m a horrible mother if we do leave. And that if we move out I’m choosing my boyfriend over my family and he’ll never speak to me again. Mind you, the house we are moving to is five minutes from my grandfather. We are definitely moving. I won’t continue to subject my son to constant yelling, and I won’t be kept from the man I’m planning on spending my life with and who my son adores and misses terribly. My dilemma is that I don’t really know how to handle my grandfather and his ultimatum. I obviously don’t want to never see or speak to him or my family again. But I honestly feel it’s time we leave and get back some normalcy in our lives. Especially for my son’s sake but also for my relationship. Do I keep trying to talk to my grandfather and try to get him to understand why we need to leave? Or do I just keep my head down and get through with as little conflict as possible until we can leave?
Sounds like he is lashing out because he misses his wife:( This is a tough situation but I would never not want to talk to my grandpa
Keep talking to him to try to get him to understand but definitely stand your ground. He made it clear he doesn’t want you there so why stay. He might just be a little hurt and scared to be alone but it’s time to move forward with your life and little family of 3.
Your going to have conflict unfortunately. Your grandfather is abusive to you. Good on you for moving out. He may or may not come around. Its up to the family if they want you a part of their life or not. Not his. You’ve done your job and then some. You are doing right by your child for leaving. You have to set an example of what you will and wont allow. Not allowing your grandfather to abuse you is big. Just try to ignore the outburst and move your stuff to storage until you can move. Just because he misses his wife does not mean he gets to take it out on you. That’s not fair. Keep your head up, stand your ground. Its only a few more weeks
Keep your head down until you can leave. Hopefully he will come around once he has time to miss you.
Sounds like he’s grieving and lashing out
I’m sorry that you’re dealing with this right now, I think I would just try to keep the peace until you can get into your new home. I wish you a happy life 
Is he normally confrontational? Might be alzheimers, stress can do terrible things to the brain especially the elderly and very young. Maybe get help getting him to a Dr.
He probably wants you to leave any way. He will be fine when he find out you just down the street.
Does dementia/Alzheimers run in your family? Maybe get on the internet and look up some stuff. If he isn’t normally like this a d is all of a sudden lashing out it could be something more. Depression is a possiblity as well.
It sounds to me like onset of dementia, get him into a dr to be assessed
Might be depression or the beginnings of old timers just.move and visit maybe get him involved with a senior center
Do what you have to do. if he’s in his right mind, he will come around. If not, he will deteriorate. You cannot force him to get medical care, an evaluation, etc—because if it is dementia or a mental illness, he will fight you tooth and nail, and you’ll be painted as the bad guy. Where are his children in all of this? Get them involved. If they have washed their hands of him, there’s a reason. Move—nothing good will come of staying.
Just tell him your moving you feel like you’re causing a problem but you will come check on him etc i hope you will anyway.
It sounds as if something snapped in his brain. Has he been to a doctor to see if he had a stroke?
I would say to him that while you love him very much, that you feel he is alert enough to live on his own now. Maybe he needs some one to hire that can come in 2x a week to clean. Teach your grandfather how to order food or shop for himself. And then pack and leave. If he cuts you off, chances are it will not be for long. And the silence may be nice.
Has your grandfather ever spoke to you or anyone like that before if not there could be something wrong with him. But other then that just keep talking to him and let him know. Also maybe talk to another family member and see if they will help talk to him about it.
Get him a Home Health company, and Meals on Wheels. They will get him an aide to do the cleaning and cooking. Kind a watch over him. Less stress on all of you
Loneliness is a terrible thing. Sounds like he is lashing out big time. Possible form of depression. I really hate to even suggest it too, but it could also be a medical issue. Most times, when a person is at the early stages of alzheimers or dementia, they are very mean. If u do leave…I do think u should see him very often. He lost his wife, his life has changed, and he is having issues dealing with it all. I’m not saying him being mean to you is ok…but, maybe see if he can get to the doctor to have any assessments done.
Get through it till you can leave… remember that anger deep down is usually simply grief… you need to do what is best for your child and your family’s happiness, that’s it that’s all… Tell him straight up the day you are moving and leave it at that… if he hasn’t attempted to change his behaviour then it sounds like he simply need’s time alone to reflect on his situation and his life…
Id try ro be kind and maybe get a doctors check up. As a home care worker that sounds to me like something else is going in.
He sounds depressed but you are in the right. Your first responsibility is to your son your second is your significant other THEN your family. Toss it back at him that HE is the reason you are leaving HE is being nasty and its HIS attitude that is causing the move. You love him but you need to get on with your own family. You will be 5 miles away you will check on him and he is welcome to visit but AS HE STATED he was sick of living with 30 yr olds so you will be moving out.
It’s hard losing someone you love . There’s a way approaching situations just try to show as much love as you can and say I love you and my bf very much and I don’t want to choose so I want you to know I will just been down the street I will check on you wether u like it or not because your my family and I love u . And my house is always open to you because your always be my sons grandpa I’m not going to keep him away from you and I hope for his sake you can forgive me but just know I’m here always even if u feel like I’m not .
You cannot change how your grandfather is going to be. Just do what you need to do for you and your son
Maybe this is your grandfathers way of asking you to leave? Being prideful and loosing his wife probably has not been easy. You’ve shown him the rope, and “raised” him.
If you are able, move out. But visit often!!
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change. The courage to change the things I can. And the wisdom to know the differance
Toxic is toxic . I would move ASAP
He might have early Alzheimer’s disease. Move but try to visit often.
Not that how Grandpa is treating you is ok…but, is he maybe suffering from Dementia? Dementia will make an elderly person get mean…I know he wants to keep you all to himself but he needs to realise you are young and need to live your life. And being only 5 minutes away…you will be there whenever he needs you…He needs to join a senior center or senior group to have his own social life
It almost sounds like dementia… does he regularly see a doctor?
If you have Hospice in the area call them. They may be able to offer bereavement and have a counselor or social worker visit him. I worked for Hospice years ago and we did that, but I don’t know if they still offer this.
Another option is to call a home health agency and ask if they have any options available.
One other suggestion is to call your county health department and ask them if they have suggestions.
Do you have a senior center in your area? Call and ask if they have programs for seniors. This would help grandpa avoid isolation and the chance to get support from his peers.
Hope this helps.
You are doing the right thing
You need to think of your life it sounds like you’re putting your grandfather before your bf and son they need you now besides you don’t sound like you want your son to grow up thinking that’s how to treat a woman .i applaud your bf for standing up for you that’s a great guy you have keep him .Let grandpa get glad in the same pants he got mad in…best of luck to you.
Probably still mourning & has Alzheimer’s, say as little as possible but move on. Family will understand soon because he probably will show his self to them.
Grandpa just wants his cake,and to eat it too.Was he a asshole to your grandmother too?You can’t do everything,2 jobs,a kid and housework is a lot.Move asap,he’ll get over it quick when he doesn’t have any one around him.
How long has your grandmother been gone? I lost my mom back in June and my dad is not the same. At the end of August he was really depressed and he and I got into it. He was being mean and hateful to my 2 and 3 yr old which is not him at all. It wasn’t an excuse but I know it’s because he lost his wife of 50 yrs and didn’t know what to do without her. He can take care of himself, he worked out of town for years. But he took care of my mom for several years, she had Parkinson’s. My dad calmed down and finally realized he made a mistake around October. If your grandfather has a trusted friend, family member, pastor, anyone he can talk to it will help. My dad finally talked to his pastor a couple months ago and it’s helped tremendously. He also has a friend from church he meets with every other week. He still won’t go to church just yet. He still don’t want to be around a lot of people. Your grandfather could just still be grieving and don’t want to lose you either but he don’t know how to handle it. Good luck with everything!
Girl you find somewhere to go until your house is ready, and ASAP!
If he chooses to act that way so be it, you dont have to!
You’re doing the right thing.
I think hes just upset, he will be feeling alot of emotions, and wants it to be you and him and your son for the rest of his days, by the sounds of it, give him time and space to calm down and apologise, hes being unreasonable, and selfish telling you those things because you’re not doing what he wants, even if you went with your partner, I’d still be moving out.
Don’t put your head down!!! Can’t be assertive unless you can look him in the eyes…sounds like grandpas going through some stuff. Look into ways that your grandpa can receive assistance… sounds like he’s missing your Grandma.
Anger does alot to us when we loose our life partner bear with him . remember it is about him not tou
He’ll get over it. It just sounds like he doesn’t want to be alone, but ultimately you have to do what’s best for you and your son. I’ve been in a similar situation and it worked itself out once we moved out and had space.
This was my exact situation except it was my grandma I had post partum depression it was awful we moved she was super upset but she got over it and everything is so much better now. Moving is the right thing to do it will get better families are so hard but you have one of your own now and need to do what’s best for your family even if it makes others upset.
Keep your head down down let him get you to argue or anything just bide your time and move he will get over it and be fine hun
If this behavior is abnormal maybe he needs to be checked for dementia??
I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this.
I think your grandfather should be seeing a doctor. Sudden personality changes can be a sign of dementia.
No matter what family is family… he (grandpa) should understand that you have a life to live and it’s time for you to fly and take care of your little family… you do you… so once you move you can keep checking in with him and in turn he will have reassurance too that he isn’t or feeling abandoned & that you still care because family is family thru the good, bad n ugly
Call area of aging let them get involved they can get him some services. If he is elagable…his insurance will help pay people to come in occasionally to assist him and let your relationship be granddaughter…plus maybe get dignoises of possible dementia or depression…just tell him u will still be close enough to be there for him…
Move out. Old agência not an excuse to be mean and surly!
If he all of a sudden became mean. Maybe he needs to be seen by the dr. Maybe there is an illness causing this
Just move. Your son means more than ANYTHING or ANYONE. period.
ever think that maybe he has early demendia ?? Something to think about. Should you leave yea, But contact his Dr & social services… Explain the situation. the fact that you will be only 5 minutes away, you still can check up on him.
I live with my parents who are in their 80s for the time being. I have been helping them daily and now they are becoming immobile I also have a sister here and her fiancé. My sister doesn’t really drive a lot so my parents are always asking me to do things for them and take them to appointments etc. I don’t mind doing it but I cannot do it all the time and my mother has begun basically telling me that I’m choosing going to see my boyfriend who lives two hours away from me and I only get to see one day a week. Orshal say I’m going to get my nails done or my haircut or doing errands and choosing that over them when they have things to do. I hate having to feel guilty when I have a life outside of this house and there are other people in the house. I basically would keep your head down And as soon as That place is ready I would go. If he chooses not to talk to you that is on him. Family should never give an ultimatum and that’s what I am starting to understand. Maybe you can find some help for him and have someone come in a couple of days a week see if his insurance will cover if he’s willing to even let you check on it. Let him know that you’re only moving five minutes down the road and you will still check on him.
Old age makes people one of two things extremely easy going people but more often bitter people. I’d tell him that you’re leaving so he understands its temporary maybe he backs off. I think it’s the Grief talking.
Just plan your exit. Sit him down and tell him he has told you that he’s sick of living with 30 year olds so you do not want him feeling uncomfortable in his home. That will either change his attitude to show he really doesn’t want you to leave or it will cause him joy and he will be glad to have his privacy.
So much selfishness. Sorry I understand where you are coming from as a mom and want to protect your so. But family is first. Your grandfather ness you! Yes he isn’t going to be pleasant and tell you but your grandma stuck with him for how many years? He doesn’t know any better!
I would try to get him to go to the doctor. If his behavior has changed suddenly, there could be a medical issue.
It sounds like alzheilmers they go through different stages,you need to let his doctor know what he’s doing , he may not be able to live alone.you really shouldn’t leave him alone he can harm him self , I worked 30 years taking care of them.
If this is out of character for him, then i think you need to find some way to have his mental status evaluated by a doctor. It could be depression or the Alzheimer’s/dementia.
He hates seeing you with your so when his is not here so give him some space
Sounds to me like he’s hurting. Maybe drop your son off to your boyfriend and spend some alone time with your grandpa and talk to him. Prod his thoughts and feelings. After that maybe bring up that him and your grandpa lived together alone as adults and you are an adult and want for yourself what him and your grandma had. Try going about things that way
Has he been evaluated for dementia? It turned my grandmother into an entirely different person, almost out of know where, they finally diagnosed her and put her on meds and she is herself again.
Talk to other family members if they are around and see if they can step in and help out
Keep your head down and spend time away with your SO giving your Grandfather more and more time alone to get him used to how it will be pretty soon. After you move give it a week or two no matter what he says and go visit act as if he’s not being mean to you as you help him become independent. He is grieving your Grandmother and the stable life and love they had. He’s mad that his predictable life is gone and he’s alone. Angry about the changes in his life he didn’t want and lashing out at anyone he can. Tell him that if he can’t calm down and treat you with respect that you will in fact leave him alone. That your Grandmothers passing has changed your life just as much as his at the moment and if he can’t at least be nice you will be forced to leave him alone. Call to check on him and help him navigate running his own house but don’t be used to do tasks he can do for himself. Have him help you do things to teach him how but then hand off the task to him. Give him time and space but always stand up for yourself if he is mean. Tell him I’m here because you are family and I love you but if you continue to talk to me like that I will leave right now and you’ll have to figure it out yourself.
You said this isa ll of a sudden? There is cearly something wrong. Get him seen by a Dr. That being said, get your son out of the situation and move.
I stopped at the hint hint …“he’s tired of living with 30 yr old”. Move out.
Just remember he is grieving too
Should LINE up house keeper,someone to help with appointments. Get family on board to visit frequently see if there is a meal service to help him.See if things can be arranged as tho grandma were there. He’ll need to be consulted as he will be paying for these services
Talk with your mom or another family member that’s on your side and gave them knock some sense into him. You’re old enough to live on your own. And as long as your boyfriend really is a good man then move. Perhaps ask your grandfather what he doesn’t like about your boyfriend in case he has a good reason. Like he caught your boyfriend cheating or something.
Move out wish I could I cant afford to move my 85 year old mother is hateful sometimes why I stay in the den away from her in have cable in here dont have it in the living room she cant change the station on that one
Keep your head down and get out. Give him a little time then talk and let him know he’s loved, but you have to live your life and with respect.
Sounds like it would be his loss. Tell him your doing this regardless and you care for him. If he decides not to speak to you, that’s on him (his choice) not yours.
I think you should talk to your family and let them know what you told us then tell your grandpa that your not a horrible mother and your job at his home is done that you still want to help him out but it will have to be from your home now
Let other family members carry the ball, you do not say how old grandpa is, he can’t be completely helpless. You have gone above and beyond, you can still be there but from a distance. You will probably get along better once you move, don’t let him guilt you.
Little conflict as possible.
I’d maybe have another family member help explain the situation to him. Also, I’d try to be there for him as much as possible… I think loneliness & depression is kicking in for him.
I’m only 21 & all of my grandparents are deceased. If they were still alive & I knew of anything I could have done to make their days better or if it were my mother/father in the situation… There’s no way I’d leave them. My love for them would override my personal wants. I know my significant other would also be very understanding of that.
You should be able to have a good/equal relationship with both of them simataneously-- Unless you’re feeling too overwhelmed by Grandpa.
This might save your relationship in the future. This domestic dispute is teaching you and your partner a lesson on love. Your grandpa needs to be cared for but not by you guys.
Maybe he has the beginning stages of dementia? If this isn’t normally how he acts I would try to get him to see a dr .
Maybe your grandfather is beginning to have some dementia or other problems if he’s changed so much in a short time. Perhaps he should be checked out by a specialist or at least a family doctor
How old is he? This really does sound like dementia. My friend’s mother was her best friend her whole life and then she turned on her just like that. Maybe write him a letter and also tell him you think he might be getting dementia and to get it checked out with a dr.
Sounds like the beginning of alzheimers 
Totally understand where you are coming from and from all sides but before you leave him please set up an appt. with his dr. to have him checked for dementia or alzhimers because it does sound like it has set in. One day they are loving wonderful people and in a tip of a hat you don’t even know them anymore and no fault of your own. It may now be hitting him that his wife is truly gone and he’s missing the things she did and the way she did them and no matter what or how much you do he sees it’s not like her. He could be heading into a very depressive state of mind as well. Speak with your other family members as someone else stated just like you wrote out on here - I’m sure they will see your point of view and help out as much as possible to help him with the transition of you and your son moving 5 minutes away…just don’t give up on him and always reassure him that you do love him and want what is best for everyone. Good luck sweetie and God Bless you all.
I would go ahead and leave. Let your grandfather know that you still love him and won’t be far away if he needs anything. Give him some time alone then be sure to call at least once a week. He will get over it.
He may need to see a dr for his mood change
Sounds like he is going through the stages of depression and grief. Your other family members need to be there to support him as well. Just don’t argue with him. He’s old he lost his wife and he’s probably a wreck
Get him to see a doctor it could be dementia he needs companionships he is old and lonely it must be a horrific situation
Nobody on is a doctor and you only have one half of the story so lets just blame it on the elderly grandfather.
Need to get a care giver or house keeping or something. You dont need that negativity around your kid at all
YOU NEED TO SPEAK TO SOMEONE HE MAY BE SUFFERING FROM A MENTAL ILLNESS PLEASE TALK TO A DOCTOR ABOUT HIS BEHAVIOR
My Uncle started accusing my cousin of stealing from him and he was sick
Have a talk to your other family members explain to them what is going on be up front and get them to take on some of the burden and maybe his doctor can help
Why isn’t another member of the family helping you
Just pack up your stuff and go as soon as the other place is ready. Let other familymembers take care of him.
Your grandfather may have some form of dementia. Do you take him to his Dr.appointments. Sounds like he should be tested.
Sounds like someone I know!! Pull the plug man. You’re dealing with a LONELY narcissist.
Toxic situation. Leave the house, but don’t leave him. Once u leave maybe the relationship can heal. He’s more than likely too old to change.
It sounds like he is having a really hard time with the death. Maybe you guys should move out, but DO NOT abandon him when it sounds like he needs you most.
I am sure there are underlying health reasons for grandpas rude behavior . he really should see a dr . maybe contact some agencies for the aging to help him when you leave …office of the aging …meals on wheels .he still needs help. He could be having mini strokes , early onset dementia.try to be as kind as you can and overllook the rude behaviors . i am sure he doesnt really mean it . continue with your plan to move because you have to live your life too. It is nice thatvyou will be close by to stop in and check grandpa from time to time . you deserve kudos for all the love you give .
Sounds like he may need to be checked out by a doctor. It could be a number of things from just a bad uti to dementia or depression. Because it all effects elderly people a lot different than it would a younger person. My parents are no longer living so I take care of my grandmother for about 10 years now and am learning a simple UTI can make her say and do things she normally would never do and I’m taking care of my father n law and he is in mid stages of dementia and he says does a lot that he used to never do. Praying for you
My sister died and my mom got mean. She was targeting my son every chance she got. It was hard and I tried to deal because I knew it was depression. I got my son out of the situation. I had to do what was best for him. I had a little dog she adored and he loved her so I left him with her to help fill the void. He has been a good companion to her and has helped her a lot to get out of her depression along with help from her doctor. Maybe your grandfather would benefit from a little 4 legged friend when you leave to help him fill the void.
Ya, you have pretty much got it figured out and I think you have answered your own question about leaving quietly and things will transpire in there own time. Take it from someone who has been thru many situations very similar to yours on both sides of the family. Bless you and your boyfriend for all you have done already. With grandma gone this is the way your grandfather is showing his pain and anger over losing the love of his life. Good luck to all of you🌠
Hun, i agree with the others. It could be dementia. Or the stage of grief he is currently in. However, your child is your first and foremost responsibility. And that isnt a healthy environment for him. Your grandfather is the one who issued an ultimatum, not your BF. I just would avoid talking about moving to avoid conflict until it was time to move. Im sorry you are in this predicament…