I went through my sons phone (he’s 15) while he was in surgery. I found out through his text messages that he’s been lying to me about where he has been. Do I confront him and let him know I went through his phone? Or do I just tighten the reigns and not let him go to the place he’s been lying about? I don’t want him to know I went through his phone. But I want to make sure he’s safe. Help!
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I approach my son about what I found on his phone?
He’s sneaking around bc you do stuff like go thru his phone.
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Maybe talk to him and figure out what happened that made him feel like he can’t talk to you and be truthful with you?
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Do you pay for the phone? Then you can go through his phone! He is lying to you and you think you should not call him out on it. Your the parent
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Maybe have his location on his phone on so you always know where he is
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What about having him install Life 360 app or Find My Friends(iPhone)? Tell him that it’s for safety purposes with the way the world is today and give him your location as well.
Make it seem like someone told you about the app. Since he’s probably going to start driving soon as well you can make that another reason.
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And then confrontation after if you find out he’s not really where he says he is
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Confront him about going through his phone and tighten those reigns!
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Maybe just explain the importance of being honest about where he is. The tighter you grasp, the more he will probably pull away.
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Aren’t you the parent?
You have every right to go through his phone and check his activities
He’s already lying, tightening the reins will just make him like more and better
Be honest and punish him for lying and sneaking around
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How do you expect him to be truthful to you when you aren’t truthful with him? You’re mom. I go through my kids phone in front of him. Whenever I ask for it, right then. No time to delete anything. And I have parental control. My kids are the same age.
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You are his mom act like that
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Ummm. He’s a minor. You have every right under the sun to check his phone. This is the problem these days. Everyone has rights…but no one wants to deal with the consequences that come with them.
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If you tighten the reigns he will just lie to you even more. If you want him to open up to you then talk to him and explain that you know and how wrong you were for snooping through his messages but that you feel more hurt than anger. Tell him that you’re wondering why he feels that he needs to lie to you instead of just being honest with you. See if you can’t compromise so the next time he wants to do something he can just be open and truthful with you.
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The tighter the reigns the more sneaking out he’s going to do.
I never understand why people are so damned strict. I’d much rather know what my kid is doing than to wake up in the middle of the night and a) not know where my kids is b) get a phone call my kid is hurt or dead and I had no idea she was even gone.
Shit, let it up a little. He’s lying because your ass is so strict. You’d know exactly what he was doing if you weren’t a ass hat.
Being more strict is only going to make him more sneaky. Have an open conversation about honesty. You have to assess what you are willing to let him figure out on his own. Consequences and actions. You only get 3 more years with him before he is an “adult”…
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When my kids were that age, they knew that I would/could go through their phones any time I felt like I needed to. I would mostly do it to make sure they didn’t download certain apps.
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You are the parent. I’m pretty sure you pay the phone bill. So you have every right to go thru his phone. I don’t give a flying f*** about “that’s why he doesn’t trust you” crap. He is a minor. She is his mother. If she is concerned for his safety then she can go through his phone. There are too many predators, cyber bullying, kidnappings, kids going missing, etc to NOT be involved in what your kid is doing and that includes THEIR PHONES, because let’s face it, thats how they connect to the world! Some people man. Makes me wonder smh.
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Just tighten the reigns and do better checks going forward. Don’t tell yet him because you’ll lose his trust.
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Download life360 so you have his location and family link so you can see what he is doing and apps he is on etc and where he is at without going through his phone. But tighten down the reigns.
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What kind of surgery? Stress affects healing so I might wait to address it depending on the surgery.
In all honesty though if you really want him safe you need to equip him to keep himself safe. He’s 15 that’s only 3 years from legal adulthood. He can drive a car and get a job in most places. Is what he doing REALLY not ok and is super unsafe, or can you just not let go of your baby?
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I’m gonna be the one to say this blunt af when I was 15 my mother wouldn’t dare look threw my phone and I appreciated her for my privacy and for two you can openly talk to him and try to have an open book or you can be strict and push him the f away cause when I turned 16 Things changed and I ended up resenting the way it was and ran away and she couldn’t do a thing about it
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sooo you wanna lie to him about how you found out he lied to you and you’re trying to figure out why he’s lying the first place? 
ok 
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He’s 15! Time for a heart to heart!
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Why does he feel like he needs to lie to you? Maybe he doesn’t feel heard, like he can’t trust you, maybe you could try to communicate that you DO understand he wants to be at this place you don’t approve of, and ask him questions that validate his feelings and come to a MUTUAL agreement instead of shutting him down? Remember that we all went through our own forms of restrictions and that we all rebelled against our parents and those of us who were too scared to rebel, usually ended up far worse in trauma as adults than those who were given opportunity to figure things out on our own
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I have family link on my 16 year Olds phone shows current location and apps he’s downloaded also I can block whatever I want on his phone and he can’t turn off location too
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Put Life 360 app on his phone
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Life 360! Download it! Use it! Every parent needs this for their teens!
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For me, it depends on where he was going and why.
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Weren’t we all 15 once? I used to sneak out. Get a locating app and put it on his phone. Catch him in the act. Dont attack him after surgery
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Just like I told my daughter!! It’s MY job to PROTECT her. I pay for the phone and she’s still a child so I will go through that phone, bed room, back pack whatever I feel like needs to be checked. When she is on her own providing for herself and responsible for herself then I will stop. I randomly walk by and just say let me see it and she hands it to me. Have I found things she shouldn’t have said, done, people she shouldn’t talk to or apps she’s not allowed on?!? Yup. We use it to learn again why she’s not allowed those things and so on and move along. I have also checked it when she didn’t know and later ask her about something and see if she tells me the same thing she’s planning w her friends. If she lies to me then I find a way to catch her later. My main rule in my house is be honest. If she feels she can’t be honest w me the. I need to look at myself and we need to discuss what makes her feel that way.
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Give that boy his privacy. Weren’t you a teenager once? I know I was. We all lied to our parents 
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Why are you so worried about him knowing you went through his phone? Your his parent, he lives under your roof this is your job as a parent! You aren’t suppose to be his friend, your suppose to know what’s going on in his life and if he’s going to lie then that’s up to you to find out and punish. You SHOULD be going through his phone and computer to make sure he’s being respectful. If he was an adult than that’s a different story.
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Turn Google share location on his phone and you can track him from yours. He will be able to see where u are and you him. We have it on all our phones so we can track kids walking or bus home from school so we know their safe.
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His phone? Does he pay the bill? You pay you own it you do what you want and need no explanations. He doesn’t run the house don’t give him the incline he does. Who cares if he’s mad or offended your job is to parent, not giving him the feeling he can slide past things. Not only do you let him know you are aware of his actions comment about not tolerating lies and talking behind your back.
Take the phone limit his going out…and help him heal from surgery. But also help focus on your lack of connection find a way to dial into him and hear him so he doesn’t want to hide from you
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- You invaded ur child’s personal space. That’s fucked up.
- U “tightening the reigns” is only gonna make him sneakier and do it more.
- Where is this place he’s having to lie to u about to go to???
Well he’s already being sneaky so tightening the reigns is not gonna solve that. It’s time for open and honest conversations about why he feels he can’t be honest with you without you getting defensive. Also depending on the surgery, maybe not right after or anything though
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Just take his phone away and MAKE HIM EARN IT BACK. OR don’t pay for it, with gas & food costs going up you have to cut cost of spending somewhere start with his phone.
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idc if your his parent or not, ask him about it. if you ask him about it and tell him you went theough this phone, yah hell be mad at first, but he will also open up to you and tell u.
dont put a tracker on his phone. he not fucking 12 brah.
Why say something… Catch him in the act next time he does it or let him think he’s pulling one over on you
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So thankful I didn’t have a phone at 15 for my mum to go through
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Naw you need to own up to going through his phone. Sounds like you are just as sneaky as he is if you don’t want to tell him.
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i was very open and honest with my parents at that age. cause they ASKED ME ABOUT SHIT, didnt put no tracker on my phone and read my texts 
Install a tracking app and when he’s 18 tell him he can always be honest with you bc you’ve always known and you’ve always been cool. Do not confront him.
My parents were strict with my older siblings and more lax with me and my little brother. I stuck out ONCE my entire life and all my mother said was next time let me know even if you want to pretend to your friends that you’re sneaking out. So at least I know you’re safe.
I never did it again, but I’ve been 100% honest with my mom ever since. It makes a big difference. Good luck.
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Ewwwwww stop going through his phone! He may be a minor and your son but he deserves privacy and as long as he is not doing anything illegal then what is the problem. Free up the reigns a little and maybe he will be more honest with you!!
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All these boomers giving you the opposite advice are wack and half their kids probably hate them.
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What is this privacy ? Same rules apply . If i pay for it its mine . Unless you pay rent even your body belongs to me . These kids have way too much time and access to absolute crap . If you get angry it doesnt affect my day the tinniest bit .
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My oldest is 17 he pays his phone bill so I don’t have family link on his phone but my 16 year old I do and they both have life 360 and they are never to turn off location or Uninstall the app. Once their 18 that’s their choice but not before.
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Install Life360 and tell him about it. It’s for his safety and your peace of mind.
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The moment you’re afraid of your kids, is the moment you lose control.
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I never let my kid have a phn , I had extra pins they could use and even store thier numbers in but it was my phn and I had all rights to look at it or not let them take it whatever. I pay the bill . I was happy to lend them one of my phn if they respected it.
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Let that boy be. Get his ass on the three strikes. Hint around you know but don’t let him know. Get his ass sweating. 
I have a tracker on my kids phone but we are iPhone. Kids lie they always will. It’s puberty. Now the question is where and what has he been lying about. Tread carefully, these are the years they throw in our face. You didn’t care or you did. Why and what. I have raised like 7 step kids and one of my own. From the ages of 16 to 3. My first was like having my 4th. Honestly. One thing for sure when they are an adult they tend to remember the one who told them right from wrong and punished by being disappointed rather than the one who is guarded upset and is mad as the child. If it were me I would sit him down, tell him you know, and explain the disappointment. And say nothing else and take nothing else. They are left with only those words and the thought of she didn’t even take anything from me. To them that is huge compared to what they assume is coming
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Track him. And he’s under your roof. Ive gone through my daughter’s phone. And I found out alot. So i suspended her phone for a couple of weeks and she didnt get her phone back until she changed but She still continue with what she was doing. I ended up smashing her phone.and not letting her have a phone and I dropped her line from my carrier.
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So you want to get on to him about lying while also lie to him about how you found out that he was lying??
Looks like we found out where he got the lying gene from lmao.
All jokes aside, sit down and have a talk with him. Find out why he feels the need to lie to you in the first place. Maybe something is going on that you’re not picking up, maybe he’s scared. Whatever the reason, sit down with him with an open mind and open heart
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He’s 15, you pay for that phone. You go through that phone if you want. You are the mom, not his friend. You don’t tip toe around your kid. Call him out and ground him. He will be mad, who cares because it’s your actual job to parent. You are the adult!!
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Wish I would have had a mother that would have done this. Would have saved me from much trauma. I would let him know that you went through his phone and apoligize for invading his space but this is what parents do to keep there kids safe❤️ may not understand but if it prevents him from an unsafe place well done mama. Also because of surgery not sure how much he would remember I would wait at least a week or 2. And just k ow he may find other ways to hide things after that or u know sometimes it appears as our kiddos aren’t listening to us but actually they are… good luck to you and ur son wish the situation the best💜
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He won’t ever trust you again that’s for sure
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I dont go thru my kids phones… no… just no… I do have us all on life 360 tho, as they move out i remove them off 360
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It’s your job to call him out on this behavior! He is not an adult yet and this just proves he has been deceptive and irresponsible enough to require monitoring. Don’t feel bad - he did wrong, not you. We overthink these things too much and walk on ice around our own kids - time.for us to take guilt-free charge 
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He is 15…ya pay the bill im assuming…you go through it all ya want!! Tell him that ya did…and confront the situation. Add life 360. But be upfront about it. It is not wrong to go through your kids stuff if you feel like they are not being honest. He will be mad at first, but just lwt him know ya wanna be able to trust him.
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I have been in a household that was lenient and one where they were strict. As long as I could tell someone where I was going I was safe. I recommend to track their phone, but tell them if they’re ever in a situation where they need you to let you know. TeenGers sneak out. I sure as hell did and got in to a lot of shit cause of it in the strict household.
I would tell him you know he is lying he is only 15 and has a phone that YOU paid for. If he thinks he is getting away with it he’ll just keep doing it.
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That’s your karma for what you did! U should have NEVER went
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I think you should be more worried about why he feels like he can’t be honest with you or talk to you. Trust works both ways and it looks like you have already broke yours with him. You aren’t someone he can confide in and that’s heart breaking because there’s nothing worse than not being able to go to your parents about the things going on in your life. I think you should sit him down and apologize for invading his privacy and apologize for y’all not having a better relationship. Tell him you don’t want it to be this way and you want him to know you aren’t upset he’s been lying just disappointed. Then ask him why he felt he had to lie and why is that person/place he’s going to is so important to him. Remember we can’t save our children from themselves, we can only give them guidance and be there for them after they make their mistakes.
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The agreement should always be that they can have a phone with the knowledge that you’ll regularly look through it. Kids are always going to try to get away with things because s hardwired into them to try and test boundaries.
That said, have the tough conversations knowing that there’s a good chance he’ll try to break the rules again. Just make it difficult for him.
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For me, this is a no-brainer whatsoever. My son and I have a very mutual understanding. For you however, I would go about it in a slight nonchalant kind of way. Like you know already that he’s lying to you and has no problems doing so. Your job would be looking great at him in the face and having flat out “that is great! So to make this clear you told me this is where you’re going to be, right? With that being said your words exactly if I was to track you down would you be in that spot that you claim that you will be at?”. It gives him a chance to rethink and understand that Mommy dearest is not stupid, and if you piss her off she is worse than the FBI on a cold Case. Also there is such thing as a family link or something like that on a phone. My son absolutely hates it because I told him if need be I will spontaneously check his phone with my phone. And I don’t need thumbprint or a PIN code to find out what he is hiding.
where is it that he’s actually going and why is he not allowed to go there lol.
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I dont secretly go through my kids phone I tell them I wanna go through it and they have to give it to me no questions asked lol but they know I’m doing it I wouldnt do it secretly
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So, I’m planing to have a rule with my kids and that is if I pay the bill then, there are random inspections if they have shown they can’t be trusted however, I will be telling them to have life360 on their phone and if they get a job and pay the phone bill then, that’s their private property.
Since you found out though, I would be honest with him. Call out his behaviour but, also talk about safety. Don’t lecture him the whole talk just make it serious to get your point across then ask for him to communicate back his feelings.
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Catch him in the act.
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I keep all phones that I pay for on a tracker. None negotiable.
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The hell is wrong with yall complaining about searching theu something she pays for kids lie hell we all did it we just didn’t have that kind of evidence with us 
I ha e passwords to all my 13 yr Olds shit and go theu and make sure he’s safe as often as I feel is needed
My childs phone has 360 on it and she also knows that if I want to look thru her phone I will I pay the bill but most of the time she comes me about things and places she wants to go!! So I don’t feel the need to go thru her phone she got caught one time going somewhere she didn’t ask to and lost her phone and was grounded that was enough for her she’s 12
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Everyone in these comments saying you shouldn’t have gone through his phone… Uhhhhhh… WHAT?!
Do any of you realise that no matter how “good” of a parent you are, your kids are still very likely to rebel and do things they aren’t supposed to do? How many parents out there WISH they had been more thorough and gone through their kids’ phones to prevent them from getting hurt or being kidnapped? Kids think they’re invincible. They think, “Oh, that won’t happen to me, it only happens in the movies!” We are the responsible adults who are supposed to guide and PROTECT our children!
OP, your son has obviously broken your trust by lying to you about where he’s been going. He is old enough to know that what he did is wrong and should face consequences. If I were you, I’d sit down and have a long discussion about what you found. You’re his parent. Your reason for going through his phone is because you want to make sure he’s being safe! It’s totally valid and no one should shame you for it! If something happened to him and you were completely oblivious of his whereabouts or any other details, these same people would be judging you for not being more aware or active in preventing it.
Don’t feel guilty. You need to be able to teach your son a lesson on why he shouldn’t lie to you. That’s your job as a parent.
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This is a toughie. Kids don’t come with instruction manuals. I’m afraid you’re going to have to confess to boredom and snooping here. Tell him you snooped his phone and found out he hasn’t been honest with you about where he’s been going. Apologize for the snooping, but insist that you’re concerned about his safety. You’re not happy about him going to that place and it’s not going to happen anymore. I would ground him for a week and then talk to him about somewhere else that he could go, or maybe he could have his friends come over to your house and hang out. Does he have a game system or something for them to do?It probably would be a good idea once he’s off grounding and has settled down, to tell him that you are not his enemy. You’re there to protect him. If he needs you, he knows where you are.
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I wish you would have said where he has been going. I would want to know why. More accountability. Like maybe he has to send a picture of where he is.
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You did the wrong thing…I wouldn’t be concerned about where he been but why he can’t be honest with you about it
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I’m not afraid, when my girls were growing up they knew I knew every move they made!!
They had No cell phones.
With my girls we were always close raising them I was a single parent. We talked about everything boys, drugs, drinking n yes sex.
Things have gotten so out of hand these days where Parents are afraid of being parents. Your their Parent first not their friend. If I pay the bill there will always be a tracker on your phone…
You have to talk to them make it clear there will be random checks on their phones… But most importantly the Danger of being groomed for sex trafficking.
So Many Kids Are Missing 
Walking away from their homes in the middle of the night. Parent’s saying we had no issues at home, straight A student… It happens when you let your guard down because you think it won’t happen to you n your kids. It happens.
Their friends show them apps they have found, or your kid types in something & these websites pop up.
PLEASE stay on top of your children’s safety.
Check their phones.
Track their every move.
Their safety is your responsibility.
Just my opinion
Old school here raised my girl’s.
I’d let my son know I went through his phone & to check his activities on his phone. Making sure there isn’t anything there that shouldn’t be. You caught him a lie address the issue now.
Talk to him.
Download Life360 (with his knowledge). You will always know where he’s at or where he’s been. If you don’t want him to know that you went through his phone, wait until he goes again (track his phone), then confront him at that point
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I pay the bill I have access to randomly checking AND have to have passwords to all social media accounts. They are only 15 and 14 and they know. Now with your son I would tell him I did a check through the phone and saw this and that. You need to put rules on the phone but also if he I’d lying about where he’s going then things he shouldn’t be doing I’d probably happening. If more parents actually kept track of what kids are doing and texting with friends a lot of issues would and could be handled before something bad happens. My 14 yr old has a bullying issue at school. She is always very open with me and tells me everything. When I had to go to the school and threatened with pressing charges these parents found out a lot of things their kids been doing and acting behind their backs. The parents said they had no idea that their kids had been vaping, dressing certain ways and found naked pictures of their daughters being sent to boys. So I am all for parents keeping tabs on their kids phones. They are not adults yet they still need guidance
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I wouldn’t tell him that when he was at his most vulnerable you invaded his privacy… Why don’t you want him to go there? Is it hurting him in anyway or do you just not like his friends or whoever is there? I’d pick your battles as he’s getting older now.
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If I’m your parent and you are my kid and you have a phone I will most certainly go through your phone whether you like it or not I am your parent and I am trying to keep you safe so if I have to go through your phone so be it
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I pay the bill I go thru the phone… My daughter isnt allowed to erase texts or call history either… It’s OK to be a parent regardless of what others will tell you about their “privacy” it is our responsibility to know who what when where why how and part of that is going thru their phones!
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Confront 
so what if he knows you went through the phone. He’s a kid,good luck 
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It’s your job to know what’s on that phone there is no secretly going through a phone I’m one of those parents that if it’s something that’s upsetting me that they’re lying about that may get them in trouble or they make it hurt I just go right out and say it I don’t care if they get upset with me. It’s your responsibility for them to turn out to be good people
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Whoa
The “I pay for it so I can go thru it anytime” and y’all wonder why kids like they are … At 15, they absolutely deserve respect and privacy. I have gone thru my kids phone ONE TIME…and they was with me. NOT in surgery which is even more horrible.
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Seems like honesty and trust is already an issue between you both. More lying definitely won’t help anything. You apparently are having thoughts that it might be wrong that you went through your son’s phone. Maybe… admit that to your son, apologize to him for disrespecting his privacy, and go from there. This is actually a great life lesson to teach.
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Don’t tell him. And definitely show up there, outta the blue. Oh and the “life 360” thing too
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He’s 15. You had every right to go through his phone.
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If you’re paying the phone bill, you can look thru their phone lol. My daughter has a phone and I monitor it thru Google. But having a phone is a privilege not a right. If you feel like they’re doing something they shouldn’t, look thru it. I get other parents dont want to be THAT parent and go thru their kids things but sometimes you have too.
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Does he pay his own phone bill, or do you? If you do then as his parent and he is still legally an underage minor, you have every right to know what he is doing. When a parent knows nothing is when the trouble starts with many of the kids who do have problems.
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Well maybe look at yourself as a parent a bit more, you waited until he was in surgery to sneak through his phone, you are his parent so random checks should be done beside him, not behind his back… Trust goes both ways
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Did he have surgery because of it? If he did then you said I needed to find out what got you here. Don’t play they I pay for it card. Sit down with him and ask him why he has to lie to you
Hope you wait until he is recovered before you tell him
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is there a reason his lied or is it tht his just been a normel teen and not telling every detail
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Meh, I’d catch him lying, then BIG punishments, which includes random phone checks. He should be caught red-handed as they say.
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That was a circumstance of all 4 of mine to get a phone. I pay the bill, I get to check up on u. And location is to always be on. You can’t be careful enough these days
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While you have every right to go through his phone bc he’s a minor, you shouldn’t have done it behind his back. Especially while he was in surgery.
So, you should wait until he’s better and calmly have a talk with him and tell him what you did. Apologize to him that you did it behind his back; you’re not mad at him but you want to know why he’s been lying to you.
Have him open up to you, have a heart to heart and rebuild that trust.
Let him know that you want to know where he’s at in case anything ever happens and if he ever finds himself in a bind, you want him to know that he can come to you and get him.
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Where are the places ? Does it put him at risk ?
If not then I wouldn’t say anything at the moment at all
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