How do I care for a child that is not mine?

I am currently in a five year relationship and we are to be married next month. My fiance has a son who is going into the teenage years. Since I have known him, I do not feel like it is in my place to correct the boy if his father is around. His father and his mother co-parent very well for the most part, as well as I get along with the mother. Here lately he has been getting out of hand by saying rude comments and back talking or just not listening to me at all. When I tell his dad, he always acts like he is going to talk to him, and then it seems it never happens. All that is usually done is him being sent to his room. I myself have two sons and I have done my best to discipline mine when they are in the wrong. My fiance has no issue with doing the same. For some reason I feel that if I would discipline his son, my soon to be step-son, I would get the backlash for it. He gets whatever he wants, including a phone when he was 8, which in my opinion, is way to young, since he has already been caught doing bad things with it. HELP!!! Advise!

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I care for a child that is not mine?

Maybe all 3 adults should discuss this

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“The boy”. Goodness.

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Talk with your hubby.
Set some boundaries.

From experience, stepkids can ruin a marriage. There needs to be an understanding that all children will be disciplined the same. If your partner/husband can’t agree to that, then I would tell him to discipline his son and let you discipline your sons.

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Agreed all 3 adults or even just bringing it up to the mom…
My daughter was mean to her step mom not to Long ago … and said something really mean to her right infront of me … I had to correct her right then and their … and even had a talk with my daughter at home too …
Sometimes getting down on their level will also help too … ask if theirs anything u can do to help with arguments

Sounds like you need to sit and have a talk before getting married.If your not aloud to discipline him that’s wrong bc he will be in your life as your child to regardless if u had him or not.

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He’s about to be a teenager. You need to speak up. No one says you have to spank him etc. but you definitely need to set ground rules. If you are confused then you need to speak to his mother and tell her the issues and ask her how she would handle it so then you aren’t overstepping with her either

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Have a discussion before you get married

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Just be the friend. Have any boundary discussions with your hub and have him set them

How can you be prepared marry a person and you don’t agree with their parenting style? That’s a messy divorce waiting to happen

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If he is rude to you. Just walk away. Don’t react at all. He is just trying to insert his dominance

When you’re with someone their kids are your kids. You treat them as you would yours including corrections and discipline. I’ve been step mom and the kids knew I had same rules as their parents and they can’t walk over me.

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You, you fiance and the boys mother should talk about it like grown adult!

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I feel as if all three of you (four if the mother has a significant other) should sit down and talk about what is happening in the home and discuss boundaries. Then, all of you sit down with the child and tell him what the adults have decided.

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Treat the child as yours or get away from them

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Step up StepMom!!! Lay your limits down…don’t be walked on by him!!! Especially when in your home!!! When you’re alone with him AND when Dad is home!!! You let a teenage boy run all over you… it’s over!

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You are his parent as well, your stepping into a role that requires love and patience. The major decisions should be left to the parents but include you as well and I believe you can and should correct the behavior not just leave it to the dad. Ive been with my husband almost 5 years he had a daughter from previous marriage that was 10 when we met I treat her no different than our other two kids, she is now a teen and gets in trouble and is expected to do same as the other children. You should be just as involved as you were his mother IMO

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Correct that kid obviously he needs it!!! Been there thankfully my hubby & I were on same page!

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If you have to ask, then its not right! That care is instinctual

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Family counseling could 100% help you find healthy bound and roles here.

To me they all should treated like your own. I would have a conversation with my SO other and let them know that from now on I would be treating them all equally Discipline included. Your getting married not just a boyfriend. You definitely have a right to correct bad behavior even even more so when it’s towards you.

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I would like to think after 5 years and being introduced to “the boy” at such a young age you’d be comfortable calling him yours as well. So maybe that is a problem in itself. I would hate to be in a relationship especially when my children are at a young age an my partner not stepping in and taking them in as his own. Regardless if their father is around or not. They are all of our babies! I say sit down with both mom and dad and have a talk regarding your feelings towards “the boy” and lay out there your thoughts on discipline and parenting as well.

When you’re with someone their kids are your kids, treat them as such. He don’t listen to you and all because you won’t discipline him. Regardless if dad talks to him or disciplines him for disrespecting you it’s not gonna do squat because YOU have to show who’s boss, not dad or anyone else YOU.

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Are you getting married out of desperation, sounds like it. It also sounds like your with the wrong person if you can’t be yourself and speak your mind.

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Parenting children who aren’t yours is never easy.you and your hub should be on the same page about all the children.if for some reason hub doesn’t want to I’d re think marraige,

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He has two loving birth parents, it is not your job to discipline him. Set boundaries for how you want to be treated.

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Talk to his mother not your fiancé . Ask her for her advise on how to handle. Say I don’t want to over step my boundaries. That you have talked to fiancé and how he handles it which is not working. . He is a teenager and they all get like that . He maybe doing the exact same thing to his mom . Boys tend to push moms to the limit at that age . Good luck

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You need to talk to his parents about your place in their sons life. You need to ask them what they are comfortable with. This conversation should have been had the moment you two decided to become serious.

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You need to sit down with your SO and have a real discuss and figure out how things will proceed. If you dont, i PROMISE it will ruin your marriage. A blended family is just that, blended. Learning roles and bridges. Figure it out now, not later

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Disciplining doesn’t have to be yelling/punishing…. You can ask your step son to sit down with you and calmly talk with him about what’s been going on. Let him know how his actions/words towards you have been making you feel and ask if there’s something he would like you to work on… It sounds like you’ve been in his life for a while so the two of you should have some closeness? Wording it that way will encourage him to open up and not feel like he’s getting in trouble

A disrespectful teenager why I never heard tell of such a thing , he’s probably behaving the same at moms home .He’s testing limits and exploring boundaries be a parent and know what battles are actually worth it.

How do you expect respect if you don’t demand it. You don’t need to be mean about it but let him know that is not ok. “Hey bonus son….you need to change that tone!” Something simple like that.

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I’m in the same boat. Except the dad and mom don’t get along and neither punish the kids nor do the kids have any chores or responsibilities. It feels like they each cater to the kids and spoil them and let them get away with every and anything just so the kids will like that parent more. Drives me crazy.

You will never “win” against his son. He feels guilty about the divorce and will always take his sons side.
Are you prepared for this and what it may do to your children? Unless he is willing to go to some intensive family/marriage counseling, your marriage may not have a chance.
Good luck.

I say state your limits but also postpone the wedding you dont want to get caught up in a situation that may not work out after all

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Look into nacho parenting

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do you have a relationship with the Mother??? if so talk to her bout this…because she too could easily be going through this…and as far as that kid is concerned you are probably his reason his folks aren’t getting back together…don’t move into marriage until this is rectified in some way because all it will cause as he ages is more grief…i was lucky i loved my step children with all my being and they me…i wished we had had more time then we had together…step kids and life is always hard…

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Talk to his parents if I was in the situation & I was the mother & u step mother I’d have absolutely no problem with u standing your ground & maybe disciplining him as long as we’re all on the same page

My girls got phones when they were 9. So they could communicate with me and their dad. We were divorced. As for the rudeness. That needs to stop. You can stand up for yourself

If you can’t treat his kids like your own you don’t belong together

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Here’s what I’ll say, coming from a stepparent. As much as people say, that child should feel like your own. The way that your partner treats you when it comes to the child is really where you feel what roll you play in that child’s life. So this is something that you need to workout with him first. Tell him your feelings and how you have been verses how you wish you could be. And this is something you need to discuss and decide on before marriage. Otherwise it’s not fair to anyone. Discuss what plans and steps need to be taken comfortably for you and your partner to be comfortable.

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If you get along with the Mom talk to her, she may have some tips and advice

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Family meeting with you mom and dad… discuss the issue and how they both feel it should be handled and how they would like you to handle it when he’s with you. I’m sure he gives attitude at home with mom too. This shouldn’t be something new to her

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You better set some ground rules that you , his dad, and his mom agree on so you can all be on the same page. My friend married a man with 3 boys. No ground rules were set. They almost divorced over it! And then speak up! Treat him just like you do your own kids!

Have you tried talking to him? Let him know he has a voice in all of this.

Sister Queen…only you can set the boundaries of how he treats you…there’s no excuse for a teenage boy to disrespect you…YOU need to have a sit-down conversation with him, his mother and his father…also include your children…if you don’t address it now with everyone, you won’t be able to address it after the wedding…because everyone will say that you accepted it before, so why not now. Never allow ANY child/children disrespect you

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You need to correct him. There is no reason for him to treat you that way. You will be his bonus mom when you marry his dad.

Talk to the dad,sit him down and have a conversation about this. His son can’t be disrespecting you at all,that needs to be addressed. You may have decisions to make in the near future before a wedding…God Bless you

Call his mom and ask her for her help since dad isn’t doing anything. Just tell her what’s going on and ask her for her opinion on the best way to handle it

You need to talk to your soon to be husband first. Let him know how you feel. Once you and him are on the same page move forward and speak to the mother together. But if you and him can’t come together on this it’d be hard to get the mom to.

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Leave, your fiance is never going to change and it’s absolutely not your responsibility to parent him, he has two parents. It’s solely the responsibility of said parents to discipline their children, it’s not up to a step parent. Unfortunately Dad is probably doing this kind of discipline out of feeling guilty about the divorce and he’s probably never going to change. Your only responsibility for this child is to make sure he’s safe when he’s alone with you and fed. By law you have absolutely no other responsibility it always falls on the parents and they need to be on the same page when it comes to discipline.

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Sit down with all parents involved, meaning you, dad, mom and step dad/mom if the mom has a partner. You need to sit down and discuss whats going on and figure out what everyone is ok with with discipline. If all parents are ok with a certain way of discipline for everyone to dish out then it will be consistent for the kids. But you all have to be on the same page. You should be doing it at least twice a year.

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Well your the 3rd parent now so you definitely need to set some boundaries and demand the respect. Obviously the dad isn’t being stern and sometimes kids need you to be blunt and strict. If you have a good relationship with the mom you can maybe talk to her about it. And if that doesn’t work then you need to start putting your self in the mom role. If he acts up again then discipline him yourself. Ground him, tell him that unacceptable etc… be stern and a little aggressive. Boys are hard headed.

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I’d start saying something to him!

My husband had 4 children before we had ours one of his kids came to love with us at age 5 the others visit he told them right away they are to listen a d respect me that I’m just as much a parent as he is I still was hesitant alot ofnthe times but I knew the kids before him and met the one that came to live with us was raised a bit more different as he was with us 24/7 . You can ask you husband what is your roll in his son’s life a d how does he see you disappointing his child if you a d the mom are once good turms ask her are well so you don’t feel your stepping on toes and the boy is a teen maybe talk to him and build a better relationship with him it’s a change for him too

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Tell both parents,I love him and I will disapline him the same way I do my own kids.If you acknowledge your step son as being different from your own kids,your in for disasters around age 14yrs.You will need back up from both parents as well.

Ahh the teenage years, ignore his back talk

Straighten this situation out before you get married. If dad is not on board with you your going to end up in divorce court. Don’t get married yet until this situation is changing.

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I would talk to his dad and let him no you get on to your kids if they was ever to disrespect him and they don’t get away with it so his son needs to do the same but I would 1st speak to your man let him no how you feel about it because you don’t want him to ever say well I wish you would have talked to me 1st even though you might have already made small talk about it in past he hears you but some times it’s better to say hey can I talk to you in the room for moment and tell him what’s on your mind see what he has to say because if yalls going to be married then you should be able to tell his son hey your not gonna disrespect me his son my feel more comfortable treating you a certain way because his dad isn’t doing anything besides sending him to his room he has to no it is not OK and he will he punished if he chooses to disrespect you taking his phone away grounded or whatever he likes doing no tv no going to friends because the more the kid sees nothing really gets done for treating you wrong then it will get worse so i would talk to his dad see how that goes and if nothing changes then you have every right to stand up for your self don’t let that boy disrespect you girl all depends on how you tell the child if your screaming and cursing and acting crazy then I could see his mom and dad getting bothered by it but if your like look i no I am not your mother and I am not trying to be but I am married to your dad or gonna be and we love each other and I love you as much as I love your dad and as long as you respect me we will get along just fine I don’t want you to disrespect me and I will not do that to you but you can’t talk to me how ever you want and you can’t keep back talking me any time I ask you to do something then see how that goes as well because if not he is gonna get more comfortable with saying and doing as he pleases cause he knows dad is just gonna send him to his room and he will just get to come back out after a hour or whatever you got this girl and all else fells go to his mother and have a talk with her I bet she will tell you if he is at your home you don’t let him disrespect you say something to him and let it be known nope this ain’t gonna happen

Boundaries… establish them, so there is no question on either side. Your fiance needs to know what you expect and same goes on your end. Respect goes a long way, but tolerating bad behaviors and not addressing them will cause more issues down the road. If the son doesn’t see dad respect you and your place in the family, he won’t either.

You don’t have to put your hands on the kid, but you can correct them when they are wrong. You’re about to be married, he’s your son to just like yours are your soon to be husbands. I’ll put it this way. If you watched/ babysit someone else’s kids, would you wait for the parent to return back to tell them what their kid did wrong or would you correct the child then let the other parent know? You wouldn’t just let a child be disrespectful and act a fool while you’re watching them so it’s no different in this situation. If you receive backlash for correcting your soon to be step son, then this relationship is going to be hell. You guys need to talk and see how he feels about your correcting his son. Again, you don’t have to put your hands on the kid to correct them and you can make it clear that you won’t. In my personal situation, I’ve been with my boyfriend for going on 5 years. I had 1 child coming into the relationship and he had 2. Mine was 1 when we started dating and his was 4 and 7. I have watched them by myself since day one. When I watch them or even when he’s home but not right here, I correct their disrespectful behavior and if it’s serious enough, I will call their father so he can punish them further than my correcting but I have NEVER put my hands on either of them. I have taken things away, grounded them, but I refuse to be physical, even though I’ve been told I can, as that’s not really my parenting style anyway. Don’t let him get use to being disrespectful towards you because you won’t do anything about it. You and your fiancé are a team and in order for it to work you both need to correct the child or there’s going to be a lot of fights. It’s also hard for the other parent to correct kids when they weren’t even there for the situation that happened. Having a blended family is hard and it’s a lot of work. You guys have to find what works best for you both. Again, I’m going on 5 years and I’m still learning so much about how to better our blended family.

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You are about to be his bonus mom you need to correct him when he is in the wrong flat out. As for the phone especially since they co parent it’s not a bad thing as long as they are responsible with it. My son is 7 had has one for his friends to call him on because I got tired of them calling me and he’s in sports

Instead of talking to him in a parent authority way talk to him just as a person. Let him know like hey I’m a human being too with feelings and the things you say hurt and I don’t appreciate it. So that way no one can be mad at you for taking up for yourself

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Co parent with dad and mom. You need to be beind your future husband. You two need go be a united front. And you can love a child that’s not hard.

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Have a family meeting with all 3 of them and let them know that you refuse to tolerate this and from now on this is how you will handle these situations. Make sure all parties involved are aware of this and then follow through.

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Mixing family s is not easy :confused:…Talk to your Husband have a family meeting and also talk to him alone for a drive …

Everyone parents differently. Your fiancé supporting you on how you parent your sons, is very different perhaps on how he feels or what he thinks.
He may just agree with you because you’re the parent.
I think you should discuss with your fiancé how you’ve been feeling about his sons behavior toward you and your interactions with just you and how you would like to find a solution.
Stay away from your opinions on his parenting or the mother’s. And for things that should be handled by them.

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Good luck, I had the same issue with step daughter. I have had to cut her out of my life completely, nothing I did was good enough, she feels that she deserves more than my kids (2 daughters and 4 grandkids) causes nothing but problems in our family. She is now 29 1 son and married, still the same [email protected] over and over. I have not spoke to her in a year had to wash my hands of it. Still she attacks me, and her dad for being with me🤷‍♀️ all you can do is tryđź’•

Many red flags here and setting example for your own 2 sons, if soon to be step son is allowed to disrespect you, how long before your 2 sons become resentful and feel their being treated differently, no, if you’re going to become a family unit rules need to apply to everyone, and the fact that you’re concerned about back lash if you discipline him is a major red flag, I was in similar situations years ago, kids ended up resenting each other, turned out real bad, even tho we married was like 2 separate families in same household, don’t do it, save yourself and kids a lot of grief, I would discuss it with your fiance, if it can’t be resolved, walk away

Talk to both mom and dad, and voice your concerns. Ask them if they are ok with you disciplining

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You need to say something

Your house your rules

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It takes a village so just reach out to his mom and u two can try to figure it out how to get dad on board too but the way these teens are subjected to seeing so much disrespect online, it makes it seem like it’s normal so all of u should get together on this. I also know what u mean about dad not taking it seriously with our 14 and 7 yr old sons. And the little one is starting to show that it’s rubbing off on him too. I can’t do the disrespect. If he’s doing it to u he’s doing it to others that includes his mom maybe too. U never know she might be automatically ready to join together. Then again everyone is different. Just be upfront and honest. Maybe he needs a therapist and no a therapist doesn’t mean a bad thing. Judges and Drs and teachers see therapists so it’s only there to help.

Every woman has that innate love for children but not all children are capable when we are ready to receive that love be patient and be yourself.

Sit him down and let him know his behavior is becoming unacceptable!.. Stand your ground, set boundaries and don’t treat him any different or allow anything you would not tolerate from your own Sons from him.

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Comes with the age… buckle up :woozy_face:

Boundaries need to be set

Sit down and talk to him like he were a nephew or a friend. Don’t TELL him what to do or not do just find common ground and explaine that everyone getting upset and yelling doesn’t accomplish anything and that the decisions he makes now can affect his future. Maybe talk about a bad decision that affected you negatively and how you wish you could change it…

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Whoa. Full stop. You two must get on the same page here. Step-parenting is tricky. But it sounds like there’s a one-way component here. He’s comfortable disciplining your kids, but you can’t discipline his. It sounds like his son is acting out because the wedding is getting closer. Your fiancé needs to have a heart to heart with his son about what’s up. Family therapy might also be needed. Blending families is never smooth. It’s common to need some assistance.

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Wow a phone at 8 years old!!! That is ridiculous!!! And since you are marrying him, his son is now your son and you have every right to discipline him just like your own.

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Do it before Marriage to see how Dad reacts….

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This was my son, I’d tell his dad what was going on…you’re to hard on him! He’d act innocent, he referred to teachers as bitches as was I when dad couldn’t hear. One fine day I placed a recorder hidden in the room. Sat him down with dad pointing out I was sick of the junk. “You know how mom reacts I did nothing!” Walked over to the surround system and hit play sweetly saying I was done! Funny that simple recording opened dad’s eyes to this kids nonsense!

If you feel you will get “backlash” for correcting an 8 year old that is your fiancé’s son…you have issues that NEED to talked about and settled BEFORE you marry…you are headed down a LONG road of hardship if you don’t. Trust my words, I KNOW. Have that talk SOON.

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It’s never easy to blend a family. You and your husband should come up with a list of house rules, and those are the same for everyone who is in that house. Whether they’re there 24/7 or if they just come on the weekends and special occasions. There should be no difference between discipline for your children.

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This very thing cost me my marriage

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:rotating_light:This needs to be fixed before a marriage happens.:rotating_light: Its dad’s duty to step in and fix this. By him not doing so is just disrespectful to you. Of course you can talk to the mom about it for guidance, but that does not fix the issue with your soon to be husband and his lack of support for you in y’alls home. That’s a red flag.

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The kid sounds old enough to talk to. Ask him why his attitude toward you has changed. Tell him you thought things were good between you and if something has changed you’d like the opportunity to figure it out together. Tell him you aren’t sure what to do. Work with him from a loving place.
Thats what I would try.

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Oh man do I feel with this.

Habe a talk with dad. He’s a teen , they rebel. Dad is th parent… your just his new wife… but the dad you n the teen can have a talk.???

Red Flag,think hard on this,it will only get worse.

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No phone till 11 talk to mom and dad and son together about how they want you to discipline him

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You need to settle this before you put that ring on your finger or it will Never work. Your kids will pick up on it and you will lose your say over them too. If the parents are around I’d stay out of it, but would let it be known if you are there with them then your word if Law & I will be respected. This is the feelings of an 70 year old with two children that learned the hard school way, I speak twice and the third time your butt is mine. I didn’t wait for “ Daddy to get home”. I don’t think I spanked more then 3 times between the two of them, I don’t like hitting. Good luck.

I would have a talk with your fiancé. There should be rules that all kids follow. I have seen a marriage dissolve bc kids are not parented similarly. A gf of mine…always worked… her bf earned great $$, she lost her job just before the wedding.
He wanted her to be a SAHM, and take care of the house, etc. for ALL kids in the house.
Problem was…he was the bread winner and treated HIS kids differently and was more strict with HER kids. If HER kids didn’t do their chores, no allowance… when HIS kid’s didn’t, the same was stated, then he’s slip his kid $20. Talk it over now
Bc it will be a deal breaker, and how it costs will be whether or not you’re married. Best of luck, but tricky territory.

Correct him so you know were you stand

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The most you can do is speak to the father… this is a tough situation to be in… I feel as though, we get the shitty end of things and aren’t able to voice our opinions without sounding mean. I’d probably think long and hard about marriage because his son is always #1 and if he doesn’t discipline him or correct him you’ll be living this for the rest of your life.

There will never be peace in your relationship if you can’t discipline your stepson. You need to make it known to his parents that you feel like you can’t discipline him. See what they say about your disciplining him.

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Don’t get married till the problem is fixed.

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I would get your husband and the boys mother together for a meeting and explain what your issues are and tell them that since they are the boys parents, you would like their advice on how to handle the situation. This way, the teenager can’t go telling lies to his mom if/when you do discipline him. This isn’t to say that you aren’t his parent too, only that if you discuss with both of them, you will be dealing with the situation with their support instead of accidentally pissing someone off. I think involvement by all parents is almost always the best way to deal with children because a united front is important when it comes to discipline. Obviously this isn’t always possible if there is bad blood between coparents but you are lucky enough to be in a civil situation. Use it to your advantage. Maybe his mother will be more hard on him since he’s disrespecting a woman. Either way, I think it’s best to involve everyone before it gets any worse.

The boy could resent that you’re getting married to his father, but respect still needs to be established in that home. What I’d personally do is speak with my fiance and truly express my feelings and ensure the talk takes place - with/without you there. You both chose to be in each other’s lives which means you both chose to be in your children’s lives as well. This talk should have been done ages ago, but better late than never.