Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I fix my relationship after having someone else's baby?
Somebody else is in his ear.
If he cant accept her, you know what to do. I tend to see things from your side because he CHOSE to get back together knowing you were pregnant by another man, and you two were technically broken up when it happened…time frame really isn’t relevant. That’s all the advice I’ve got tho. Children over relationships…period
It doesn’t work. Currently experiencing this scenario, there is a void, unforgivness and a lack of attachment regardless of the events, terms and time orchestrated together. It’s a reminder of what you did and what he doesn’t have.
Umm if he’s treating you daughter differently and even gets jealous of the attention you show him he’s gots to go hun cause he will take that frustration out on that child sooner or not sad to say. He doesn’t love her sounds like and he definitely doesn’t like her and he’s jealous of an innocent little baby yup he’s gots to go and ASAP
The “I love him but I love her more” makes my heart melt. Such an amazing mama. You know what the right thing to do…seems to me you just need it to be told to you so you can move on…
God ant giving you a baby by that man for a reason! Focus on you and your baby later someone will come who will love you both
I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but you answered your own question when you said you love your daughter more and that you know she deserves someone who wants to be her father.
You did nothing wrong. He knew you were pregnant when you two got back together. He never should’ve gotten back together with you if he couldn’t handle raising your daughter and moving on from the situation that happened.
You and your daughter deserve happiness. Your boyfriend will likely never move on from this.
Either go to counseling together or just end things. Your daughter deserves better.
I would have a serious sit down talk with him. Ask if he can do this or not. He knew about it from the beginning. so ask what changed? Tell him to be open and honest. Going back and forth isn’t helping, he needs to make a decision for her and for your relationship. Unfortunately you might have to let him go… but that’s his decision because it sounds like you’re all in if he is.
There’s a better man for you and your baby out there than both of them!!
He probably did mean everything he said when you were pregnant but maybe now seeing your daughter is a constant reminder to him. I think it’s time to move on.
Sounds like you already know what you need to do and you just need to vent. I put a man before my mids before and have to live with that. Don’t waste your time.
He will never let you forget it. Get out now
Dollface, run. I know it’s difficult, but in all seriousness, get out.
All I can think about is how poorly she would be treated if you guys have a child. If he’s already so bad now, imagine him having a biological child and how different he would be. I definitely think it’s time to move on for your daughter and yourself
I think someone else is influencing him, I think it’s a noble thing for a man to step up and be a dad to a child. It says so much about a person. I really admire that, and this is the only dad your daughter knows. Maybe give him space and remind him that he’s her only dad she knows. Good luck.
I would suggest therapy, before just walking away.
What’s broken, can be fixed again, if time and energy is put into it.
It’s a reason why you not getting prego by him. Pay attention to them. Just because he wants a baby, that doesn’t mean he will be a great dad. He is just jealous and immature. Focus on what you have right now which is a lot. And is he can’t accept you with your child, then he needs to go. Plus y’all weren’t together when this happen, so what’s the problem. You stroke his ego and now he is pissed.
I went thru this. He knew n brought his 2 kids with to beg me to come back, knowing the baby wasnt his, legit knew 100%. I got tired of hearing him drunk with friends denying her n how he shouldnt have to stop his fun for a kid that isnt his, even tho he wouldnt do it for his own kids either that when he had them I HAD THEM, he was out drinking. Always regretted it when he got sober. It never ended. He was a good person. Lots of demons. A lot of personal issues. But those were not ones i wanted my child to feel was her baggage. Fast fwd to now. She is 14. My husband now is her father and has been for 8 plus years. She doesnt know her bio. But she knows love. She has a father figure. And she never knew what happened with him because I couldnt stand the thought of her feeling demolished by a constant offstandish burden feeling.
You got this. He being an idiot. Either he steps up or steps out. Exact words i used with my ex. He couldnt make the decision. So i did.
Happiest i have ever been, and my mini me is flourishing into a beautiful, confident, (obnoxiously totally attitude driven lol) teen.
Good luck regardless of what you decide.
Sounds like you two aren’t having a healthy relationship. Strength not length girl. Always focus on your child over your fling
Tell him to go then. If he can’t stand to be in the room that baby don’t need that kind of guy around
Not healthy at all, you need to walk away now.
He will never respect you the same again.
First. Any man that is jealous of a child getting their parents attention, being around a child or the child getting complements isnt a man at all, In my opinion.
Second, Its not like hes just finding out about it, So why is he being a tit bag about it now for? You getting pregnant and having your baby did not ruin yall, Whats ruining yall is your boyfriend by acting the way he is, You have to do whats gonna be best for not only you but for your daughter also
It can get to a person over time. I give him credit for trying this far as I wouldn’t have taken you back.
It likely won’t get better now that it’s taken a downward spiral.
Best to go separate ways.
You answered your own question … love your daughter more and take her out of that situation.
Sounds like he’s got alot of feelings… and hasn’t been able to process or doesn’t know how…
Oh but that’s right, this is a man hating group. Females can do no wrong 🤦
If he doesn’t treat your daughter right then leave him.
I would bounce. Seriously, if any man gets jealous of my child then that man is still a child. It’s not like you went out and cheated on him. Period! You’re not in the wrong here at all. I want you to repeat that to yourself as much as you need to. You were broken up. Things happen. Babies are a blessing. My husband has raised 3 kids (the two oldest boys aren’t his) and he met me while I was pregnant with my middle child 21 years ago. He stepped up and raised these boys after their dads bailed and he’s never looked back. Your man needs to realize that he is being immature and needs to process these emotions and feelings without taking it out on you and your baby. It’s absurd really. He is an adult. No one is perfect but I’m an advocate for fixing yourself if you are not well. It’s up to him to figure out if he can man up or wants to step out. Just remind that baby she is a blessing.
It sounds like therapy could really help you both. I think you both have some pretty valid feelings here, and if you both want to work it out then that’s the best way to do it. Good luck!
Sorry darlin but walk away if he thinks he is gonna look a fool for loving and raising your daughter leave change her last name and live happy with your daughter
Move on, he will never respect you or your child. Don’t leave him alone with her. You never know what he will do. Plus you are better than that so your going to be a single mom for awhile enjoy her.
He should leave you and move on.
Get rid of him lovely, your wee bub deserves better. If you think he’s excluding her now when you have another it will get worse.
How are you suppose to be a family and him not accepting your child but yet he wants another child … your child is a package deal he accepted that when you got back together and he forgave you even though you guys wasn’t together so you didn’t even cheat on him I would leave plenty of guys who will accept you and your daughter
Sounds like he was ok at first with it but then had a lot of time to think and try to make it work but is struggling with it. Maybe he’s thinking theres something wrong with him that your not pregnant with his baby. Think from his point of view. You got prego by some other guy and you two have been trying and haven’t hes feeling like a failure and him looking at her every day is probably a constant reminder of what he isn’t having right now. He’s jealous of that not your daughter. He doesn’t know how to handle his emotions so he’s lashing out.
Throw him away! She’s should be your #1 priority now…
Good luck girl
I would agree with therapy, but if he’s already treating her differently, that would make me angry. It sounds like something he’s probably never going to get over, even though you’ve done nothing wrong. I would leave, while your daughter is still young.
Well, I was in a similar situation, married while pregnant with another mans child that denied him, and it was the same btw got MUCH worse after we had another child. Also, it ate me alive trying to raise our child in an entire lie. He even asked me to tell his FAMILY it was his child, that I did REFUSE!!! the ENTIRE time I was pregnant with his child, “what if he is ugly and his brother is adorable” it became a complete compilation and unhealthy for EVERYONE!! Mostly my first child. I REFUSED to continue to lie to him. After lots of therapy, due to the damage it would cause when he did find out… but, that’s me. We are all different.
You didn’t cheat, you were not together… maybe she was not planned, we make mistakes but God doesn’t, you can’t make him love her or accept her, and she deserves to be wanted and loved… you have to put her well being before you, I’ve always told my husband “ my kids will always be before anyone including you “ he is their dad… but I’m a mother first then a woman… I grew up in a broken home then foster homes… I know what it feels not too know a parents love, so I will always put my kids before me, so they never experience hurt of not being important or wanted or loved, it’s not your job to make him understand, he accepted you from the very beginning… if he regrets it, it’s his loss!
You and your daughter deserve a better man in your life, it doesn’t matter the history you both have in the past… that’s the past, you have to live the present and the future… that he no longer fits… wishing you the best, I know it’s hard but… look at your daughters face and see the future she deserves and only you can make the choice to walk away… be strong and courageous for God knew you before you were conceived, He has a plan for you and your child. Love yourself above all and know your worth, xx’s
NEVER PUT A MAN BEFORE YOUR CHILD
When you allow him to say those things to you, AND ignore you both. You’re allowing him to disrespect your infant.
There’s no other acceptable answer besides the obvious; Leave him. It’s one thing to be spiteful towards you (even though he shouldn’t because y’all was split up) but it’s another when that spite is directed towards someone innocent. If he isn’t willing to accept her, imagine what it’s going to be like when you have a baby together BIOLOGICALLY. He’s going to use that baby against the other one, and god only knows what he would do to her out of anger! It happens all the time!
Umm you don’t. You leave him. Situations like this is how kids end up dead at the hands of the mothers boyfriend. What grown man (heavy on the GROWN) Is jealous of a baby??? Smarten up smh
Well, you’ve answered your own question, you know you should leave him as he is jealous and upset you had a baby with someone else and not him.
Walk away now! You weren’t together when you got pregnant, it’s not like you cheated and he knew what he was signing up for when he chose to get back together. Your daughter is a GIFT and an innocent in all this- any man who could feel any kind of negative way towards a baby is a monster IMHO. Don’t let him guilt you and don’t let that guilt cloud your judgement- you did nothing wrong. Either he loves and accepts you both and you move forward or he doesn’t and you end thing but please don’t live in the in-between. I been there and trust me it will severely damage your daughter emotionally if the man and only father figure she has in her life doesn’t truly love and accept her as his own. She doesn’t deserve that and neither do you. I know it’s hard when you still feel the pull of those love strings ect but time heals all wounds… it truly does.
And this man sounds toxic.
Also the whole him being jealous of the baby is the biggest red flag of all
No he would be a REAL man rasing a kid he KNEW wasn’t his and still wanted her and you. If he’s acting like that you and your baby girl are better off without him. You CAN do it without a man.
For your child’s sake leave.
Leave because he is Not accepting your daughter and your kid comes first idc if you love him or not if he don’t accept her then he’s not worth it
Your last part the last comment is everything here you baby comes first the minute your decided to keep her you promised to always put her first before you and your other half she needs you to show her and teach her a healthy relationship with her with you and with a possible father figure as a mom who was a single mom with a baby my best advice leave I have been here thing will only get worse and she’s needs better and you know that or you wouldn’t have wrote this you know what you need to do second best advice you will ever get don’t let another man around your baby for minimum of 6 months into the relationship promise it sounds like forever but if a man waits that long you will know if it’s right and you will know if he’s going to fight to stay threw thick and thin for you and your baby !!! Please don’t look for love when this end with him your baby will love you for eternity if you just work on her and your future many blessing and prayers your way it’s always hard at first and scary and you will want you normal back because it’s your comfort zone but you will fine another safe place in your life where everything is better I promise just pray to god for A path and love on your baby when you feel alone
You gotta leave him. It sucks but he isnt going to accept her. I dont think it was cheating or anything but I think it is shitty you fucked someone else 3 months after getting out of a 10 year relationship but admittedly that is just my opinion. However, he is the bigger asshole for treating you and the baby like that. He should have sat down and told you he thought he could deal, but everytime he looks at the baby he sees the other dude and he cant get past it and he has to let you go. He is being the asshole by guilting you and not treating the baby right. No matter what, it isnt that baby’s fault to be there.
He shouldn’t have gone back with you.if.he.was.so afraid what other people think. He sounds like a drama queen. If he were into wanting to be a family it wouldn’t matter.what.other people thinks. It’s not other people’s family. You could try but if the relationship is going to stay negative it’s best you both go your seperate way and get adjusted into a new life.
That sounds like someone is whispering in his ear. Either way he needs to do his part to save this, or y’all need to break up. What’s done is done, and it’s not like you went out looking to get pregnant. He’s being a man child about it. Plenty of step fathers raise another man’s baby, and people applaud it. His pity party needs to end, and honestly you shouldn’t give him a baby until he can prove he can do his part to be in a relationship. Right now this ain’t it. He signed up for this and now he’s bitching? That’s fucking weak af.
I feel that he shouldn’t of took the responsibility especially with the kid not being his … he thought he could handle it but obviously he can’t. He should’ve left u alone and let y’all be … y’all both should move on tbh maybe he can meet someone who’ll one day have his biological child
He has resentment. Do you blame him? Get counseling
Yeah absolutely not. It isn’t that baby’s fault. She knows no different and that will hurt so much worse as she gets older
Leave. Run. If he loved you and that baby it wouldn’t matter. I started dating this guy, nothing serious soon as we made it serious found out I was pregnant and her bio didn’t want her so agreed for my husband now to raise her as his own and let me tell you the biggest daddy’s girl and apple of his eye. If he wanted to he would, you can find someone she abs you deserve
I have a very similar situation if you would like to private message me I’d be beyond willing to talk to you about it😍
I have some input that may be helpful. I have a similar situation with my son. My husband and I were in the middle of a divorce, I was seeing an old friend who we had also been in a multiple relationship with for about 12 years. I got pregnant and my boyfriend bailed at five months. He had been pretty awful since finding out I was pregnant. I decided that he wouldn’t be on the birth certificate and he bounced. I later found out that he had gotten an ex girlfriend pregnant at the same time as me and he chose to be with her. I am profoundly grateful, every day, that he did. My husband and I had been in therapy for like two years just to be able to co parent and finally, to be friends again. He was horrified by my boyfriend. He stepped back into my life as a support. We got back together. He went to the last few dr appointments and was with me when my son was born. He paid the hospital fees, cut the cord, and was the first person my son ever laid eyes on. Fast forward to two and a half years later, they adore each other. My husband has been Dad every moment. He is on all paperwork except the birth certificate. And he has now asked if he can formally adopt my son. Let me be clear, my son looks EXACTLY like his biological father. My husband has always claimed him, never treated him differently from our child together, his older sibling. And is quick to shut down any negative comments towards my son or myself. This is the kind of man that you and your daughter deserve. Jealousy towards the child is a very big red flag. My son’s biological father is very jealous of his own child. He wanted me to have an abortion and choose him over the baby. Tough shit. He isn’t a man worthy of my son. Keep this in mind when you’re asking yourself where your priorities lay. You and your daughter deserve love and support. Don’t be afraid to set an example for her that your well being and hers are paramount. Be afraid to teach her that her self worth is measured by the man she’s with. That’s a real loss. And very sad. I wish you the best.
Get counseling and a good lawyer to work this out
Tell him he can either forgive and accept that things are the way they are or he can’t move past it and things need to end but, he needs to decide quickly before she starts to notice.
He’s a boy not ready for family, A real man would step up and not play games.
I feel like if he’s already acting this way and you end up getting pregnant with his biological baby he will forever leave your daughter out and will make it apparent of his love for his biological child vs your daughter which will result your daughter feeling like she’s not good enough or loved by him
Leave .I would be scared to get pregnant with him and then him end up favoriting his full blooded child which by the sounds of it he would do . Your already here child comes first no matter how much you love him .
Baby is more important than any man
A child is a plant you pour love over to make it thrive, anything negative like say “resentment” should not get near your plant or it will cause harm, protect your little plant
He knew that she wasn’t his from the start, and agreed to be there for the pregnancy and birth. Then after months after she’s born, starts this. Um no. That’s not far to your child. I get that he might be stressed that he can’t get you “with his own child” but that’s not your fault, nor his for that matter. It takes time. But the way he’s acting, you “ruined” your relationship with him… Um it shouldn’t be that. You two were apart and separate at the time. You had a right to do your own thing during that time. So the best bet for your child to be happy, is to kick that guy to the curb and find someone who’ll love your daughter the way she deserves to be loved. There will be someone out there.
Your kids come first. If my fiance didn’t accept 4 kids and love them he wouldn’t be in the picture. He has raised my girls since they were 6 months old they re now 4 and he has raised my boys since they were 2 and 3. Now 7 and 8. The biological father hasn’t had anything to do with my kids since I left him even before I left him he didn’t. My fiance want to adopt and loves them just as if they were his own. If he can’t accept that and step up to that task then that’s fine he should find someone else and you should find someone that will accept it.
Sometimes the right thing is the hardest thing. You got this on your own. Don’t risk your child’s mental well being for a chance that this man might change.
Put your baby first.
Re-read what you wrote, because the answers to your question are there.
You love your daughter more… As you should.
LEAVE don’t pass go and don’t collect the money just leave it’s not worth fixing it will never be the same and he’s not treating your child right that’s a huge
This is not advice because I could never know what to do unless I was in that situation and I feel for you but what i would do is make sure that little girl only has people in her life that love HER! And all the way not half way or even someone that will “come around”. She deserves everything!
Saying he will “look stupid” for raising someone else’s baby that he KNEW wasn’t his to begin with is a huge red flag. Also sounds like someone has been in his head talking ish and making him feel this way. If you do decide to stay i would absolutely advise NOT getting pregnant with this dude yet. He needs to get over himself and decide what he actually wants first. Another baby added to the mix will just make things worse, not better. You need to clearly communicate to him the fact that he decided to take her on and if his feelings have changed then he needs to move on because you 2 are a package deal. And if he decides he does still want to be her father then he needs to move on and not keep bringing that mess up. It’s not like you cheated on him. If he can’t get over himself and treat her like the father he claimed he wanted to be then he needs to move on
You need to quit expecting a boy to do a mans job.
Whatever you do please do not bring another baby into the picture. You and your boyfriend have a lot of sorting out to do. It wouldn’t be fair to put two babies through this mess. Work on what you have now. You have much to resolve. Be ready that you and your baby will be going it alone if things continue to break down. Put your baby above everything and everyone else! Please!
this truly hurts my heart. I know you love him. but you didn’t ruin your relationship. you guys had a breakup and no matter how you look at it. getting pregnant should never be looked at like you ruined your relationship. its like almost saying, you dont want her there. i know those arent your words and you said you love her first. but as someone who went thru things because “i was a mistake” those words hurt… mama, dont let that affect your daughter. dont let him carry that resentment towards her in to her future. You are brave and strong and any fish in the sea will accept you both as a package. you didnt ruin anything. you took a break. nothing was a mistake. everything happens for a reason. I hope you find how much you and your daughter are worth and never settle for less… so make the hard decision. you can do it. you are not alone. chin up!
There is no fixing it. You messed up far past the fixing stage, you should’ve been thinking about if you wanted that relationship or to go separate ways not mess around get your grinch sized heart broke and run back to the other guy. He messed up by saying he was going to be the dad without knowing if he could actually handle it. Move on and stop destroying each other in front of that precious baby who asked for none of this🙄
Family counseling for you two. Maybe he resents that the other guy could get you pregnant and he can’t (so far). Did current BF like the idea of being a dad but the reality and responsibilities of an actual child scare or anger him?
Have you had any other BFs besides this guy and the one who made you pregnant? If hints don’t work out, use birth control and really get to know someone before you sleep with them. Might want to talk to a lawyer since your once and current BF is on the birth certificate so he would be liable for child support. If he’s now resentful of you and the baby it could get ugly. Maybe a therapist can get through to him to realize this is a whole unique, individual human being that doesn’t “belong” to anyone, but an innocent child that needs nurturing, no matter whose sperm it is. Always a good idea to use birth control until the two parents are ABSOLUTELY SURE they want to be parents and will be in it for the long haul. BTW, congratulations and enjoy your new little one.
L E A V E . Every time I read these posts I’m shook by how people are willing to let someone come in the way of raising their child.
This is his insecurity… There is nothing else that you can do to fix this. Either he accepts the situation and loves your daughter unconditionally, or there’s no hope. Now, if he truly wants to try and work things out, he may need some counselling or therapy to reach that point, but again, only he can do it.
Leave him.this is not good for your daughter…
Leave with your daughter and start your life together. He has shown he will hold this over you again and again.
You can’t work past resentment.
You guys were on a break, and he knew about the baby. He chose to resume the relationship all while knowing this. You did ruin anything he’s gaslighting you and blaming you for his own insecurities. Always do what’s best for your kids
You know in your heart what you should do… You didn’t cheat on him and he accepted the situation about the pregnancy etc and now he’s changed his thoughts on that, which could be because reality has kicked in and he realises that responsibility for a child is a life long thing and/or he is frustrated that you are both trying for a baby with no success yet. Whatever his reasons are, I would put off trying to get pregnant again until you have both sat down and discussed your relationship and where it is heading. Good luck x
As someone who had to choose between a partner and my children, choose your children always.
For me, the right person eventually came along eventually.
You didn’t mess anything up. You didn’t screw up the relationship. You had a child, and he’s showing he can’t handle it. That’s on HIM, not you.
The worst thing you could do is bring another baby into this mix… especially his baby. Can you imagine if he’s jealous and resentful now just wait and see how he will be when it’s now between his kid and your kid. Your kid being the kid he blames for your problems. He might not outright say it but then again they never do. You need to leave. Re read what you wrote and pretend it’s from your best friend or kid sister asking you for advice. It will only get bad for you and even worse for your baby. She’ll grow up wondering why she wasn’t enough for this man that supposedly took on the role as her father and why you didn’t love her enough to protect her. LEAVE.
You throw the whole BOY away hunny that’s how!!! BOTH of you deserve so much better!!
Leave. Yall having your “own” baby won’t fix shit. & if yall do bring another into this world its irresponsible & selfish af considering his actions now.
Shouldn’t have put him as the father when you knew he wasn’t …. You need to go after the real father and make him responsible
You answered your question. Men come and go but your daughter forever.
Leave. Petition the courts to establish paternity with the actual biological father and get some child support coming in. Those are the two things I would do if I were in your shoes. Also, STOP trying to have a child with him. You already have a disaster on your hands; giving him a child would be a nightmare. Especially for your daughter. Can you imagine the favoritism he would show the child and not your daughter? No way! Side note, the legal stuff might take some time, effort and money since you allowed someone else to sign birth cert. but I’ve read some stuff about these kinds of things happening while I was in the court system with my daughters father last year fighting for custody. Good luck.
In reality you do have to put yourself into his shoes. Even tho what you did wasn’t wrong you guys weren’t together & you had every right to do anything you wanted, he has a right to feel a certain type of way about the pregnancy & raising someone else’s baby. When people do it it’s amazing. We can’t expect everyone to get past it tho especially in a situation like this where you guys were broken up & got back together. I’m sure that doesn’t always make him feel good. It might even make him possibly resent the baby even if he loves the baby. I think maybe in this situation holding off on adding him to the birth certificate might have been a better thing until he really proved he wanted to be a permanent father figure. I hope it all works out but try seeing it from his perspective & imagine how you would of felt if while you guys were broken up he got another woman pregnant & wanted you to fill in for the mother. Again, it’s not a bad thing, but it’s not always easy especially in this kind of situation.
Jealous…it’s eating him up…I’m sure while you where split up for awhile…he was no virgin Mary… every time he looks at your baby he is reminded of the other man and that you had sex with him…it’s never going to work out with this man…and your daughter deserves better then this…men may come and go in your life time…but your baby is forever…
just leave, your baby comes first. don’t hang around waiting to fix his feelings. let him go.
Neither of you are wrong for how you feel - you putting your daughter first and wanting her treated right, and him for being upset that you got pregnant by someone else.
He either needs to come to terms with it and be okay with it for life and not hold any grudges against you and her, or he needs to move on and you not hold any grudges against him for that.
Sounds like to me he’s looking for an easy out and that’s what he has, take ur daughter and leave
You answered when you said “ I love him but I love my daughter more. “
I think you already know as you’ve answered your own question x