How do I get my husband to help out more around the house or even with our daughter,?

So I’m a new mom, my daughter just turned 3 months today. I’m a stay home mom my husband works 12 hours providing for us. And I’m at home taking care of the house.His thing is because he heard it from other people. That right now in this stage he can’t do much with the baby, and I keep telling him I know you work all day, so do I, but please take our daughter so I can calm down, do a few things, stuff like that. He only holds her for a minute or two and hands her right back to me.
I’m depressed all the time, I’m moody so changing all the time. I haven’t had a great break in 3 months, and he gets to come home and play his games and then go to bed.
Yes I know he worked all day and he’s

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I get my husband to help out more around the house or even with our daughter,?

There is plenty he can do to help out with the baby… change a diaper, give a bath. Burp her after you feed her if breastfeeding, if formula he can feed her. He needs to bond with her aswell now. Your baby needs to know that dad can bring comfort to her aswell if your not around… he can hold her and play video games at the same time. My husband does it, so I know it’s possible. This may sound wrong but maybe one night just put baby in his lap and tell him your going to take a nice long shower/bath. Let him figure it out. I’m going to guess both you and your husband are young. I was once there… I had 3 of my 4 babies all before age 21 and I know what it is like to be afraid to speak up about these things. But if you don’t then nothing will change. And sometimes you have get forceful to get change. Good luck

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Stop doing anything for him- no washing, cooking, etc. let him know that you’re full time caring for the baby so if there’s work to do beyond that it’ll need to be shared or paid help

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I had one of those… wasted 4 entire yrs my life praying he’d change, thinking we could discuss things or I could get him to understand simple things like this… nope. Run now before you’ve wasted all that time…

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Beware of who you have babies with…

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My best advice… If he isn’t willing to help, find someone else to help you, and at the same time show him how it feels to not have the extra help & attention. I think he’ll get it. If that doesn’t work give him the choice to either stay and step up or walk away so you can be with someone who actually wants to be present.

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Theres so much he could do. Change diapers, rock her to sleep, give her baths, feed her, keep her entertained, read to her, sing to her.

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I had 4 daughters born every year then waited 2 yrs in-between and had 2 more and gave birth to my only son.
He worked long hours and I was told that I was to change the girls and everything I had to deal with it myself that he would only help with his son.
I had my first baby at age of 19, 20, 21, 23 & 25…
I was exhausted all the time.
I’d wake up as early as 4:30am
Make his lunch and breakfast with coffee.
Always had the home clean and dinner waiting for him.
My kids was a 24 hr job with no breaks
That is something I will always cherish though.
Even though there were times I cried myself to sleep because I was was tired!
Yet my home was spotless by 7:30 am.
As my kids grew up they had to clean their bedrooms.
We divorced when my oldest was 12…
Something I regret being taken away from me and made me the bad person.
My kids will never know.
Just make time for yourself…
Sleep, take a nap when your baby does…
Go for walks, listen to music, do something you like whether it’s baking or crafting…
Its better when you only have one but I say you can never change a man.
He would want to change for himself.

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Please don’t listen to the ones who say “divorce” or “leave him” or “watch who you have babies with”. You need to sit him down and have a serious talk. You most likely are going through post-partum depression. Talk to your dr or obgyn about it. And tell hubby this is his life now and he really needs to help you out. Yes you stay home and he works but you BOTH created a beautiful little life together. So it takes both to raise it. And always work on your marriage til you don’t think you can anymore. I went through a lot with my husband and on the verge of divorce to we worked it out and now he’s amazing but he’s always been great with his kids. Marriage and parenthood is the hardest jobs you will ever have but they are worth it if you work hard at it :heart:

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if he has a day off, do this… just drop the baby on his lap and say im out, i need a mental break im going shopping… and walk out of the house… let him learn how hard it is to be a mother, he wont learn untill he gets to do eveything u do… men dont change, but he needs to understand that you need a mental break!!! please try it…

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Stop asking him to do thing that are his responsibility. He comes home, the second he gets on his game you say here, hold this baby, I’m going take a shower and you walk off. Don’t ask him to watch his kid.

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First have you seen a health care professional about feeling depressed? After my youngest I got out on antidepressants and after I found the right dose it helped sooo much! Without them I cried, was moody and just miserable.

Second I am a stay at home mom. It took over a year for my husband and myself to find what worked for us. It caused a lot of arguments. My best advice is just be honest. Tell him how you are feeling and tell him what you need. If you need him to give the baby a bath said that. Give options hey this and this need done. What one do you want to do and ill do the other.

Being a first time parent is hard on a marriage. It takes re learning how to be there for each other and a baby all while tired. I’m NOT making an excuse for him I just think if he was a good husband before he might just be trying to figure it all out and night beed clear instructions on how to help. Men really need to be told what to do at times and how to do it.

Also STOP doing everything. Let the dishes pile up. Don’t cook dinner. Wear dirty clothes for a extra day so you don’t have to wash them. He will see you do need help and you will free up some time to just breath rather than doing dishes.

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I’ve gone through something similar. It’s tough especially if your breast feeding. I was depressed too. Definitely seek help for the depression. My baby is now 6 months. Let me tell you it does get easier. Love on your baby… and realize the days go by slow but the years fly! You definitely need some time too. You work all day too. Sit down & have a grown up conversation. He needs to help with his child. Good luck to you!

Let him know this needs to be worked on, he needs to build a bond with his child as well :heart:. Nap when baby naps, set aside some time on one of his days off for you to get out of the house alone to decompress and talk to your doctor about what sounds like postpartum depression.

Let me know when you figure it out :rofl:

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He needs to understand that you are not the babysitter, that he is responsible for being the father which includes taking care of her. I think you both need to have time off. You can only have this if he participates OR you can tell him that if you can hire a nanny to help you out in the evenings so you can have some time.

You go to counseling by yourself. He goes to counseling by himself. You go to counseling together.

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We work in ems and work 24h and 12h there is no excuse for him not to help! What a piece of poop you have for a partner, I’m so sorry you are going through this!

My husband was very much the same way when our son was born. Refused to do much with him because he was “too small”. But, he did some things anyway. Our son is now almost 11m old and he helps out so much! Yes, daddy needs to help and create a bond with baby. But, maybe he’s just scared to handle a person so tiny. :pleading_face: no, I am not excusing the behavior, but try to understand from his perspective as well. Mother’s are always going to have stronger instincts to care for their babies. It takes daddy’s some time. I hope something changes for you. Best of luck mama :pleading_face::smiling_face_with_three_hearts:

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This makes me upset. This is not okay. You deserve a break mama. It doesn’t matter if he’s working 12 hours you work 24/7. It’s his baby too he needs to step it up

I don’t want to sound rude but have a sit down talk with him. Have stuff written out how he can help and that she needs that bonding time with him, and about your mental state(u could also have post partum) let him.know how serious you are that if things don’t change you’ll leave. Honestly if he doesn’t start now, he never will or it’ll be alot harder getting him to help with both kid and house. That’s not fair if he plays video games every night

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Nuh uh. If he can’t be a responsible parent, he can’t play video games! I’d toss that quick!

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…so …he works 12 hours a day…he’s tired I’m sure the last thing he wants to hear is complaining …pick your battles your bonding with the baby his loss not yours enjoy this time …I don’t use the word breaks in motherhood unless the baby is napping

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Try doing all of this with an outside full time job and a toddler…You get to be a stay at home mom that is your full time job. Him going to work and paying all the bills is his full time job. Honestly if you really need a “Break” you can also get a job and then come home and take care of baby. I would love to just be a stay at home mom. Not saying it’s easy but it’s a lot better than what a lot have to deal with. We as mothers have no room for weakness… It is up to us to pick up the slack. Not saying it’s right but that’s how it is. It will only get harder the older your child gets.

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So in my situation with my sons dad I ended up telling him if he didn’t help me more (and change other behaviors) that I was going to leave, and ultimately he didn’t do any of the things I asked so I left, sometimes you can beg and beg and they won’t listen, maybe ask someone else to come over and sit with her for a little while so you can decompress, a friend or a family member

First of all, you work all day too. Taking care of a baby and a home is a lot of work, especially for a First time mom. You need to take care of yourself as well, it’s possible you have post partum and you should talk to your doctor asap about it. There is plenty of things your husband can do. He can care for baby while you get some rest or a shower, He can cook dinner or clean up after dinner, he can feed or bathe baby… the list could go on. As a SAHM myself, it’s incredibly frustrating when men act as if only a women is capable of caring for their baby. I would sit down and talk to your husband, tell him how you feel and ask him why he doesn’t want to hold or help with baby for more than a few minutes. Leave the baby home with him for an hour or 2 on a day he is home and let him figure out how to be a dad, sometimes us moms don’t always give the dads a chance to figure it out before stepping in. Most men are just scared they’re going to hurt baby etc.

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Ahhh how I miss the days of working a 12 hour shift then being able to come home and play video games to my hearts content. I think my husband would echo that sentiment, unfortunately that has to change once you have kids. We now only play when he’s sleeping. Don’t let him get away with that shit, he can do just as much as you can. O would’ve never tolerated that from my husband. I told him many times over those 9 months enjoy it now while it lasts. I’d sit him down and have a serious conversation with him. Tell him he gets off his ass and helps with his
Child or he can walk with his video games. You have to be willing to follow through or he’ll smell your bluff.

This was the demise of my marriage. He thought bc he worked an 8 hour shift 4 days a week that it gave him the opportunity to juat lay around in bed for 3 days watching TV and doing nothing else. Meanwhile I worked 12 hour shifts 6 days a week took care of three boys, doctor appointments, cleaning, cooking, yard work, hauling off trash etc. I begged and begged for marriage counseling and he refused saying "counselors are quacks’. After a year of it I asked him to leave.

Just because you don’t have a job OUTSIDE of the house doesn’t mean you’re not working your butt off too. Men have this very sexist view that if you’re home you’re not working. They have no idea how much work it is to be a stay at home parent. As all these other commenters have pointed out there are a thousand things he can do to help. Talk with him, let him know all of the things he can and SHOULD be helping with every single day. Hopefully, if he’s reasonable and capable of understanding, he’ll realize the error of his ways and come around. If he refuses to then it’s time to start thinking about another strategy. Bc from what Ive seen (witnessed and been part of) people don’t really change and they do exactly what they want to do. Good luck!

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It sounds like you may have some PPD. Talk to your doctor. When you need to do something g hand him the baby and go about your business. You didnt make that child on your own.

It took explaining it several times & because of my husbands physical size (and the fact that hed never cared for kids before) my husband eased himself into it over a period of months. It was exhausting for me. But now he helps me with everything.

Sometimes I just go take a shower… don’t even say a word… just get a towel and go lmao.
The baby and dad will be fine.
I have an almost 4m old. Dad works I work at home with the kids and try to clean as much as I can haha :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: but I am exhausted
My bf isn’t “hand her back after a minute” though… so it’s a little different… he can’t feed her tho, she gets too warm, falls asleep lmao :joy:

If he isn’t excited to help or even just hold his child he may never have interest in that. At that age my husband and I started reading to my son every time he was awake. My husband used to think it was pointless at that age but now and nearly 3 years old he sees how that created a healthy habit and a good routine. My son actually prefers his dad to read to him over me lol. He does voices and sings the books to him haha. Reading a book and holding a baby is literally the easiest thing he could do. And honestly sometimes he would hold him and play video games :woman_shrugging:t2:

You need to be open and honest with him, keeping it to yourself is only going to fester resentment. If you’re both first time parents chances are he just doesn’t know what the hell he’s doing. It’s ok to be nervous but he needs to try. Just don’t drop the baby and he will be fine lol

When he tries to hand her back say nope your here dad u can watch her for awhile then magically leave and say im going out for lunch with my friend byyyyyeeee :metal:

Join a MOPs morhers of preschoolers group getting support from other Moms is the best. Sounds like you have the baby blues get on an antidepressants.

here’s the fun thing about being a parent. you don’t get a break. i did it alone for 8 months till someone finally listened to me about being depressed and yk what break i got? i got three days entirely to myself and i worked the entire time because i didn’t know what else to do, being a mom was all i knew at the time. still haven’t gotten an actual break since. take advantage of that time you get alone with your baby even if it’s driving you insane. one day they will take their first steps and won’t need you anymore.

It’s called balance the work load should be 50 50 you deserve a break but that’s it I mean if you don’t work at all than the responsibility of the baby is yours he should be helping for a small break or for showers but if he works 12 hours a day so you can stay home with your child you should be grateful unless that’s not what you want and you want to work as well than you can both work and take care of the kid pick your battles your man works 12 hours a day treat him the way he deserves, my husband has worked full time and taken care of baby full time so I could work full time and when I worked full time he had the house clean taken care of the baby all day and I had a warm meal waiting for me before I even got home and it wasn’t hard for either of us, but if one of your works 12 hours a day you should be able to come and relax not come to instantly take care of a baby. It’s called balance thinking men should slave away all day than come home and slave away al night with their babies so I can relax are actually delusional I encourage you to ask them how many of them are still with their babies actual father, because most of them probably went and got some sad sack they could boss around. Being a stay at home mom with your children is a luxury many women don’t have lol count your blessings.

Why u marry him, plus child, if he was ready, he had to be that way before, just cause he sits on his butt all day, doesn’t mean he don’t do work home, tell him, or leave his ass

You’re with the wrong man. Good luck❤

Video games are evil to a marriage

My husband didn’t really take to the kids in the beginning. I mean, he had a very strong bond with both and held them anytime he was home, but he multi tasked and played his game too. I can count on one hand how many times he’s changed a diaper or bathed either of the kids in seven years. The beginning is the worst, though. You’re crawling with hormones and your entire life changing. Ugh. Put a boot in his ass and tell him how it’s gonna be. Things are different now, it’s not about you two. Baby is first.

Maybe you can work the 12 hour days, and have him stay home.

First, you need to address the possibility of post partum depression. I’ve been there and done that. You really need to confer with your doctor.
Second, you need to have a come to Jesus meeting with your husband. He needs to stop listening to his co-workers/friends and whoever else is putting those sexist ideas into his head.
Third, if he doesn’t want to change and help out, then hire a house cleaner. I’m petty. I would stop cooking meals, doing his laundry, whatever. Sex? No, I’m too tired, ya know? He’s tired when he gets home? Well, so are you, sister. He works all day; so do you… And at night with a baby. He can get over himself.