So back, when I got pregnant with my son, I was single and having sex regularly with one guy and hooked up with another one just once … The condom slipped off with him, and I never used condoms with my FWB so needless to say I got pregnant … my son was born (which was the greatest blessing btw) I was honest with both guys and accepted that I was gonna be a single mom … No big deal not worried about child support I make enough money to take care of my little guy and he basically saved my life from the downward spiral I was going through… my FWB was a drug addict (which was great cus at the time so was I) the other guy was literally just a one night stand… it’s been three years my son’s never met with one. The one-night stand guy was ready to do a DNA test till he got a girlfriend, and then he just went ghost … the FWB guy totally belittled me said I was money-hungry (even though I never once mentioned money) and moved 2 hours away … I have nothing but first and last names of these guys … I don’t know what to do … Or if I should even do a DNA test on either one… I’m in a really good relationship with an amazing guy who has accepted my son as his own, but I’m worried that later down the road, my son will start to ask questions, and I don’t want to lie to him. My sister’s both were raised by nonbiological fathers, and it affected my youngest sister finding out that the man who raised her wasn’t her bio father. . I just don’t know if the courts can find these guys. And if I go through court, I don’t want them to have to pay child support cuz. Frankly, I don’t need either one, but I feel like I need to give my child a name should he ask … I did everything in my power to encourage a relationship between my child and their sperm donor, but I’m just at a loss … my boyfriend wants just to tell him he’s his father and legally adopt him once we get married, I just don’t feel comfortable lying to my child…
Take the guy you know better for a DNA test. If it ain’t him, take the other dude.
Worry about it when he gets older if he starts asking questions then be honest but I wouldn’t worry about it if neither guy wants to be involved and your boyfriend now stepped up and took on that role so why risk the good you have now?
I think the father has a right to know. Unless your in danger I don’t think it’s right to take that from either of them.
Honestly I’d lie. But there’s always the chance your son could do one of these DNA test kits later on and then he’d find out. But if you do a DNA test through the court the dad could gain rights and I’m sure you don’t want that…::
Should have thought about this before getting pregnant or while they were still around it’s been 3 years . U don’t wanna lie when he asks questions tell him the truth when he is older , he has a father in his life that wants to be there be thankful for that .
Do DNA test and let possible baby daddy know that your getting it done because new hubby wants to adopt your son. Then don’t tell son till he’s much older like 16/18 let him grow up knowing only 1 dad and tell him when he is old eno6to understand. He’ll want to know which his bio dad is once he finds out.
Do not lie to him… write down the names you have and be honest with him, when he gets old enough to ask give him the names and let him decide for himself if he wants to go down that road… but dont lie to him, that will only lead to problems for all of you down the road
They may be more willing to do the test if you tell them you will pay for it, otherwise I think the only way the courts will actually look for them is if you file for child support. Or you may have to hire a Private investigator or attorney to find them.
You need to find out whos the father your boyfriend cant adopt until the actual father signs off on it
Do a DNA test because that baby deserves to know his father.
You can’t make either one take a DNA test. But be honest with your child when they are old enough to understand. And if they want to seek their possible father out, then that is their rightm
Take one for DNA if its not him then its the other guy…if u dont want child support i would suggest testing the guy u DONT think is the father…bc if they do a DNA and u get ANY kind of assistance they will go after him for support…
Do not lie to your child!
I would write the names down and pursue this later when your son asks. Both those guys walked away when they were aware. Your son doesn’t need either one of them. A DNA test or a piece of paper won’t change his current life or the father figure he has.
Then don’t lie… tell them the truth… just like u did here. You haven’t done anything wrong. If your child is interested when they’re older, tell them everything you can. All u can do us be honest … good luck xx
Also he can’t legally adopt him unless the real father signs over rights.
San test and ancestry kit!
I’m glad I never lived a lifestyle where I have to worry about these things.
Why would he ask? Kids don’t just grow up and ask if you’re really their parent. If you don’t let him know your boyfriend isn’t his dad he won’t ask questions.
it’s clear neither one wants anything to do with him leave the birth certificate blank as it is and move on with your life if your fiance wants to adopt him and treats him as his own then he is the father plain and simple
Girl…you know what to do!
Don’t be a victim!
Allow your boyfriend to be the father figure and to adopt your son. When your son is older tell him the truth. Tell him the whole truth and he can decide if he wants the DNA test. It is better for him to have a bond with the man who loves and wants to be his father than to know the name of a sperm donor who doesn’t want him…
I was almost in this situation when I was younger. Expect I chose to do things differently. I did not want to have this talk with my child when older because I knew what its like to be adopted. But like it was said above…dont lie but when he asks you can give the child the names and let them discover who they are. Just support his decsion on what he decides how to pursue it.
My daughter’s now 8 and my daughter has absolutely no idea she has a different father than my youngest daughter. We will keep that from her forever because her bio is a horrible person. 2 years ago my fiance adopted her and now her last name is the same as my youngest daughters. She hasn’t ever known him other than daddy. In some cases, its better that way. And if for some reason she finds out later on down the road then we will deal with it then. Goodluck
I wouldn’t lie to your son when he’s older, or even when he starts to question. But I wouldn’t try to track these guys down either. Unless they’re willing to sign over all of their rights, once it’s determined they’re the father, they can absolutely take you to court for custody. I’d leave it alone, lest you open a Pandora’s box that you can’t ever undo.
You can turn down financial support, but the court may order shared legal custody so be prepared for that!
All you have to do is go to your local health department and they have volunteers dna test but they will end up going after the father for child support
DNA doesn’t make a father. If they don’t want to be part of your child’s life then why push it. A father is someone who steps up to the plate.
You dont have to lie to your child …you wait until they are age appropriate and explain it to them…allow your bf to adopt your son and raise him as his own…in my experience with my own father and with the father of my 9 year old its better for a child to have no father at all and never know any different or grow up knowing your adoptive parents love you, then to know you have a father that does not want you.
Just do it in case something serious is needed later in life. After you know play by ear on what you guys will do next
Honestly you’re lucky to have a good man who wants to adopt your child as his own. I would forget the other guys and move on. This guy you have - he sounds like a good man which are hard to find. My step dad has been 1000% more of a dad than my biological one. I honestly don’t even know what my mom saw in my bio dad he’s a fucking looser
You would be giving which ever is proven to be dad the right to fight for visitation or even possibly custody. Honestly, I wouldn’t worry about it until the time comes- if it ever comes. By the sound of it, it may never come if you and bf stay together. You have first and last names the courts COULD find them.
Just go through child support get a test done on both and ask for minimum support
If I was the child in this situation I’d be very happy with the step dad stepping up, but I’d also want to know who my biological father was. I’d want to know them and what their family medical history was maybe find out (you can get it court ordered) and then stick with your boyfriend adopting your son and just tell him when you think he’s ready to know or he starts asking questions.
Don’t have any more children.
You need to file for child support they will do a dna test free
Ok so here is what you do. You have a few choices. You can go through child support for the DNA tests to figure out which guy is the father and then ask them to sign away rights to you. You can wait till married and go thru the adoption process, which will still require you to get a DNA done on both to determine which one is bio dad so he can sign rights over to your new guy. Or lastly you can do nothing and give him names when he is older and you want to tell him why there is no name in the father portion of his birth certificate. With the adoption, unless you lie (which I do not recommend) you will have to have the 2 guys tested. They will not allow your new guy to adopt without bio dad signing off and if you lie and say you have no idea who it is and the guys decide to come back into your life, it will cause major problems.
Wait till the child is old enough to decide. Frankly once paternity is found that man will have rights and acces to your son regardless on if you want him to or not
Just tell your kid the truth that your boyfriend is his dad that takes care of him and he has another dad that helped make him . I wouldn’t go looking for either of them bc neither of them actually sound decent and it might cause more trouble then it’s worth . Plus once you do find out who it is he could definitely take you to court an get custody
Tell your kid when hes old enough to understand. You dont need DNA to tell you, your son IS YOURS.
Umm dna test ever man u had sex with
If you dont want support and state involvement then just let it go.
You were honest and told both of them and NEITHER stepped up…that should tell you what kind of person they are.
Anyone can be a father not everyone can be a daddy
My son is 7 and my now-husband is not the bio-dad. We got my ex’s rights terminated and my husband adopted my son. He calls him dad. I was honest with him from the beginning (when he was old enough to understand) and it didn’t even faze him. If you don’t want anything from either man, then just be honest with your child when he’s old enough, so it isn’t a shock when he finds out. We both sat our son down and told him that if he has any questions, he can always come to us and ask.
Never lie to him. He has a right to know. Plus, for medical issues later on in life, helps to know medical history of biological parents. Just don’t lie
A dad or father isn’t blood , it’s the person who loves and takes care of the kid that is a father !
Depending on state. Depends on with the DNA . no dad has rights until he fights it in court. Which either one may ! These ladies are rude. Ask for legal advice in your state
Now about telling him , he deserves to know .
A father and a dad are two different things , love doesnt require DNA.
I’m a mom of two … and if you can do it yourself with out a man keep them out of it and protect you and your baby so much easier without them !! I raised one alone and share my other in my opinion you can be both mom and dad!!
You can get a DNA test done without courts involved … there are places that you can get them done …look online for the nearest places in your area…
There’s no reason to lie to your kid, but if you really don’t want child support or for them to potentially get visitation you don’t need to do dna test either. Be honest with your kid, age appropriate obviously, and slowly share more info as they get older. If you end up getting married and he wants to adopt your kid you dont have to directly notify the bio dad if you don’t know how to, you can pay for the courts to run it in the paper and of no one files against it, or shows up to protest the courts will grant it. But even it this happens I still wouldn’t suggest lying. If you raise your son that this is just the way it is he won’t be as bothered than if he finds out he’s been lied to his whole life
Perhaps you can do the DNA test asking them to surrender parental rights so your current guy can adopt if that is an option.
Lying comes back always to haunt you and the child. Just because you don’t need their money doesn’t mean the child won’t want them in his life later. Make sure you cover all bases see an attorney.
I would tell my child the truth. I would moreso contact the guy that was willing to do the DNA test and have him take it. If he indeed is the father and does want to step up then you should let him for your child’s sake, although I will warn you, it might rock your current relationship. Now, being that both men know about your child and neither decided to step up, you can totally forget about the DNA altogether and tell your significant other that you still have to tell your son the truth. If your son asks for his dad’s name, then you will have to tell him everything. I don’t agree with lying for the simple fact that the truth always comes out. I’d hate to see how devastated your son would be if he’s 16 and he finds out that both you and his “dad” lied to him when one of these men shows up in your life now that they’ve matured, and want to get to know your son. It will put a strain on your relationship but I think it could have a life altering self identity issue with your son as you saw with your sister. Yes you all acted irresponsibly but you’re the only one who stepped up by taking responsibility. Think about it and good luck to you and especially your son.
You get-a-hold of the two individuals in whom you were sleeping with at the time; and you guys arrange to do a DNA!
Tell your son you slept around like a slut on drugs, that’s the truth isn’t it? Maybe he’s better off not knowing who they were, they sound like pieces of shit.
I went thru something similar. You son will ask at some point and it will affect him. Get the test and the child support. I never did because I thought I can do it it’s just me and her but things change. I wasnt thinking about what was best for her. Whether you feel they owe you anything he laid down and there is a baby boy. Good luck girlie much love
I’ve never lied to mine. I got as much info about relatives as I could and checked often to update. Once my son got of age to ask (we never lied to him) I had a few names I could contact even though at the end of it all they all went ghost on him. I wouldn’t lie to him though, my son always knew his dad was his stepdad and wasn’t affected at all. I found out at 12 my dad wasn’t my dad and till this day it hurts to think about being lied to for so long. I legit have trust issues that won’t go away. Let his step dad raise him but pls don’t lie or keep secrets.
You aren’t forced to accept child support. I have a zero order myself. So that should be a non factor here.
You Don’t need the trouble a DNA test can cause .if the guy finds out he is the father he could make your life a living hell …leave things alone for now and when he is old enough to start asking questions than tell him the truth …and when he gets old enough to actually want to know who than give him the names and call Maury .
Seek them out. Go forward with DNA testing. Even if for medical history purposes. Every person should know at the very least, the name of their biological sperm donor. Who knows, one day your kid may need a kidney, or liver.
Write names down. File child support. They will do a DNA test on both. Once you have the results, you can be honest with your child.
I honestly wouldn’t bother. When your son ask later down the road, tell him your story and give him the two names. OR get a lawyer and get a court order for a dna test from both guys. Then if you find out who it is… to avoid paying child support, have him child over rights!
I would never seek out those losers! You would be making a terrible mistake. If you establish paternity and they decide they want something to do with that child you will have no control over their environment. Consider yourself lucky! Let that wonderful man adopt him. Do you really want to share your child with a deadbeat druggy that he could pick up bad habits from? No Dad is better than a bad Dad. Tell your child the truth later in life that his father was an addict let it be a lesson to him what drugs do to people. Go enjoy a happy life with someone that lives a normal life, and treats your child like he is his own. The only damage your son will have is if he is exposed to the deadbeats of your past. You will be inviting trouble seeking out your past.
Just write down the names and the most info on where these guys lived years and months of when you met them. So, when the time comes your lil one ask if he does… you’ll have that for him. I wouldn’t interrupt what you nor him have going on your life’s!
The courts wont make you file for child support, if you can afford the child completely alone without state help then you’re fine, you can decline child support. It is extremely important to know who the bio dad is for medical reasons, because you may need to know what medical issues his dads side has.
Do the 23 and me dna test. The results will stay with you and if the bio dad does the test down the road it will pinpoint it. It has health as an opinion so your son and yourself will know what possible health problems to look out for later in life. It will give him a clear picture of his heritage as well. But it’s clear neither are willing to find out and if later they hunt you down you can let them know that his dna is on file. But let them do the work if they so choose.
First you should go to court. Just because your too proud to take his money it’s not actually for you it would be for your son! And he deserves to know who is father is whether they want to be in his life or not. It’s really simple you have their names
If your son feels like something is missing later and wants to find out more then go from there. Otherwise just love him and his life will be full regardless.
For medical reasons it’s best to know who the biological father is. Not saying they need to be in your sons life but it’s good to have the info. if heaven forbid something happens to your boy.
Like mentioned in other comments you don’t have to lie to him just let it go and once he is of age if he asks then you can explain it to him, and if you are comfortable with it let your boyfriend adopt him once you’re married if he is willing to step up and be a father that’s better than your son not having one. My son who is 12 does not know his biological father. My ex made it very clear he wanted nothing to do with my son, and my husband legally adopted my son a few years ago and that’s who my son knows as his dad. I have explained to my son and he does know that my husband is not his biological father but it doesn’t matter to him as of right now he has said himself that he has no interest in meeting his bio father. My husband has been in his life and helped raise him since he was 4 years old and he is now 12 years old (will be 13 this year). He was 9 years old when my husband adopted him.
I always told my son he had another dad before the one that brought him up. Luckily I did because his paternal grandmother messaged him out of the blue. Always be honest at an age appropriate level
He might never ask! I wouldn’t bother
Shouldn’t be difficult, if in fact it was only two. DNA, even if you have to get a court order.
Main reason I would want to know is for family medical history. So many illnesses are genetic.
If I were you id let that man adopt my boy and explain to him when he’s older. What’s done is done.
Ancestry dna or the 21 and me… those dna test that tell you about your past relatives
I think it is wonderful that you do want to know who your son’s bio is for his sake - try contacting each of them and let them know it’s a no strings attached whatsoever DNA test and it’s for the purpose of your son and him knowing the truth later in life that neither will be held accountable for anything and never have to see you again or your son that you just want that closure for your child. It’s also important to at least know who the bio is in case of a medical emergency that only he or his family could fulfill - God forbid anything like that happening at any time in his life but it’s important to know. I know a child that was not told of his bio dad and had thought for 7yrs. that his stepdad was his bio dad but he got to questioning things about looks and being treated slightly different than his older brother and it started to really bother him and the truth came out and he was devastated that he had been lied to for those 7yrs. - he did get to meet his bio dad and it was good for awhile until it wasn’t but he is good with the whole situation now at 91/2 yrs. old and said he was glad he knows the truth…but he held it against his mom for awhile for not telling the truth and then upset bc he was told the truth by someone else who couldn’t bare to watch the pain and questioning anymore. So do all that you can for your son so he never has to go thru that and if either man is truly a caring man and accepts they don’t have to deal with nothing but a DNA kuddos for them - I just pray both will step up to the plate and do it - only one of them will come out being the bio anyways. Good luck sweetie and so glad that life is being good for you and your son and the awesome man who wants to adopt your son as his own. God Bless you all.
I’m pretty sure if u go to the court with names n say one of them is the father they can issue them a court order to get the DNA testing done u have to go through child support they will handle it
I’d let it go. You’re gonna go down a rabbit hole. Don’t waste your time.
Be honest with your son when he’s older and give him your blessing to find them
Just be truthful with the little guy about it. I was not even remotely raised by the man who fathered me and my mom never tried to hide the fact that who I was calling dad wasn’t my dad. Even though she could’ve. And even if you can’t explicitly say which ones the dad just tell him the circumstance when he can understand it and what you did to try and figure out who fathered him. At least you know it’s one of two guys instead of several. I know plenty of adults who don’t know who their kids dad is because they were sleeping with anything that walked 24/7. And it’s sad just not even having a clue as to who you belong to
If you have a phone # on either one you can Facebook look them up for a last name. You don’t have to lie to your kid. Just when he asks just sit down and be honest. He might never ask.
I would get a DNA test on both. They may not need to step up but that baby deserves to know.
Okay so…you can get hit with custody papers even if you don’t apply for child support. When it comes to your boyfriend adopting him, depending on the state he might not be able to. In Maryland you have to prove that you’ve searched for the biological father, prove that you’ve made every effort you can to find him, before your spouse is allowed to adopt your child. The woman at the court adoption room told me that mothers lie so they don’t take a mothers word for it, they want to see the proof. My sons father hasn’t been in his life for 13 years, we aren’t moving forward with my husband adopting him because his biological father could fight for visitation, which my 13 year old son does not want.
Don’t lie to him, but if you told both guys and they both ghosted you, don’t worry about them. Tell your son the truth. It could be one of two men, give him their names, he can look for them when he’s older. Make sure you’re accessible to the men should they search for you to find out about your son.
I would think you could get a court order for DNA or you could send your sons DNA to one of those place that link DNA to family like 23 and me or something like that
If both guys know they could be the father but ghosted then I would consult a lawyer about terminating rights. I would also let both men know that is the path you want to take and you dont want them to pay child support OR have rights to your child.
If it was that important to you, you would’ve taken measures to gather that info while you were pregnant. Obviously it wasn’t a big deal to you not knowing who the father was so why should it matter to these guys now? You dropped the ball on this and I’m not even sure you can pursue anyone with just a first name. You might as well let it go and be more responsible next time you decide to have sex. 100% your fault for not doing shit about it before the baby arrived. Move on. If the child asks later on tell him it’s your fault that even you don’t know. Or make something up.
If those men don’t care, why in the world would you subject your child to that kind of emotional turmoil. I say leave it alone and love your baby as much as you can.
Some ppl does go looking for trouble. I would say better I gave my child the life he deserves and not with these bums and go with my boyfriends idea once he really adopts him
Dont find them, just be honest with your kid when he is older (3-4) because once you find out they can get part custody (yes even the drug addict)
When your son is older I would just tell him the truth about the situation and then if he wants to try to find out which guy is his father he can go about doing so on his own terms. I would never lie and say that you bf is his bio dad but you could say he’s an adoptive dad. The truth can be hard but it’s not as hard as finding out a major part of your life is a lie.
Otherwise you could go through the courts and they would have a dna test but then the father would have to pay child support and parental rights would be established.
Do ancestry test if you wish to know
One of the guys family members may be on it
You don’t need to pursue it right now. Let your husband adopt once you’re married. But be honest with your child. Lies like that devastate children when they find out from other people later down the road.
Dont lie to your son. Hes too young now to even understand any of it. There are times that things arise that you need to know about both biological parents though- for example if he had something medically happen you may need the bio dads info too. You dont want your son to be blindsided if he hears anything from anyone else either. Plus he could gave siblings from the bio Dad that he would like to get to know too.
if you knew any main family of theirs you could do a dna test against them
You can do a DNA test on him like 23 and me or ancestry, and if he has relatives who’ve given permission, you can get the relatives info and they will tell you which dude they are related to. And you’ll have a name, no courts, and no involvement, but it’s not guaranteed. Regardless, don’t you dare lie to that baby. Idc what your boyfriend wants. He is legally nothing to you or that child right now. If later he wants to adopt him, fine. Doesn’t mean the baby can’t know this man chose him as his child because he loved him so much, and that his father or potential fathers weren’t capable parents. You tell him, and you tell him now. You tell him in casual conversation, like it’s old news, like there’s nothing unique about it. And he will grow up knowing the truth with no negative feelings attached to that info. He won’t remember hearing it. He will just always have known. But if you lie or hide or subvert, and treat this like it’s a dirty little secret, that’s exactly what it will be, and no child deserves that. Let him be the biggest mistake you never knew you needed. Tell him he was the accident that saved your life and you owe everything to him for that and that he is your world. All children want is love. Doesn’t matter how real it gets while you love them. As long as you love them and you’re real.
its great that you want to be honest with your kid with this sensitive subject. I would be honest with him and when he asks tackle it together.
U know sometimes lying is better than the truth if your son finds out the truth he will disgust u and he will feel sad and he won’t love your boyfriend as real dad so it’s better if u put your boyfriend’s name on your son’s birth certificate and get married once u r ready and be a real family. Some families r not by blood but by heart. If your boyfriend really loves your son and take cares as his own u should give him a chance and be happy family. And the fwb and ons guys doesn’t seem to be much interested in your son. I feel that your son will be much happier with your boyfriend as his daddy
Be happy you have a good man that is willing to take your son as his own and get on with your lives.