My son is 2½ and has yet to meet his father or father’s, parents. His father made a choice to leave and move west when he found out I was pregnant. It has been just my son and me (and now my bf) from the beginning. His father didn’t even tell his parents we were dating, much less that I had gotten pregnant. Well, when it came time for the father and me to go separate ways, and he was moving stuff out, we were fighting, and he ended up calling his mother to come to help him get stuff from our apartment. While there, she saw us get into this big, blown-out fight, it got pretty ugly, and I ended up blurting out that I was pregnant with his kid. Idk if he ever actually told them the truth about it, or if he lied and they don’t know they have a grandchild. But I have tried to bring it up before that I think it’s important they at least get to meet him and decide if they want to be involved. He ignores my request for him to talk to his parents about meeting and just acted like I never said anything. I don’t have any family of my own, I was a foster child growing up, and it’s just me and the kiddo. So how do I go about trying to get his grandparents involved? My bf says I should just show up on their doorstep and let them know, but I’m afraid if I do that, his father will stop helping with my son’s financial needs (he pays child support on his own we don’t go through the court), and it will destroy the relationship we have. Even tho he isn’t around, he’s a good friend and very supportive. I don’t want to mess things up, but it’s not fair to my son or his grandparents that they don’t get to have a relationship because his father chose not to be around.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I go about telling my exes parents they have a grandchild?
I mean for me it’s respect for the father. If he says no, as much as it would kill me, it’s no.
Hopefully he will change his mind.
quite honestly I think it would be up to your son’s father to make that decision, there might be a good reason he doesn’t want his parents involved. I would also think if I was a person and my son’s ex blurted out that she was pregnant with my son’s child that I would go speak to the ex to see what was going on even if my son had denied she was pregnant or that it was his baby.
If it destroys the relationship you have and he stops paying child support, just take his ass to court.
He isn’t a good friend if he isn’t around for his child. The fact that you’re afraid to ruffle feathers with him because he will stop providing should tell you that. Do what’s best for your kiddo. You don’t want your kiddo feeling the same way you feel about being alone.
my sons dad doesn’t want to know our 5year old son we resently got in touch with his parents they were great for a week then they fell out with my sons dad over it n now wont have anything to do with their grandson but that’s there loss my advice would be to just leave it be but that’s just me speaking from my own experience
I wouldn’t be showing up on a door step with your child in an unknown situation. I’d either send them a letter with his picture or send a message on fb.
If he does that then go thru the courts.
Just call and tell them. I would want to see my grandchildren
If he was as good of a father as he is a supportive friend as you claim, he would not be keeping a secret like this from his parents. That tells you everything you need to know about who he is as a person. If you don’t have a contact number for his parents but know where they live, perhaps write them a letter before just showing up so that it’s not so much of a shock. Let’s be honest, that’s a lot to take in after someone just pops up at your doorstep to tell you. On another note, I think it’s very mature of you to want his father’s family to have the opportunity of meeting their grandchild.
Personally I don’t believe it should be up to the father. His parents have a grandchild! But my luck with my baby’s fathers parents is that they’re old af and they’re controlling and try to do things with my kids I would never let them do and stuff and so we don’t get along but they are nothing but nice to the children so as long as my kids are happy, I don’t really have to have anything to do with the parents! I think maybe let his parents know so they can at least have the choice of trying to be around if they want!!
Honestly I would tell the grandparents. Your son is going to get older and always wonder about them if you don’t. I think it’s worth the risk if they could possibly be great grandparents to him and want to be involved. If money is the issue, go through the courts. I’d rather my child have family in their life than money but that’s just me.
.money over morals hmmm
This goes to show that this thing of just living together without marriage is not a right as some think. Just call and tell them it’s time they knew that they have a grandson. Be up front and I’m sure if the father stops paying child support you could take him to family court or maybe grandfather would help. Just Stop living together without marriage it’s sure not God’s way.
He might be doing you a favour. I would probably just ask him about it every now and again to keep him thinking about it. But you need to keep the financial help.
Do the best that you can for your son. You and your son are the only family for one another.
That’s not a choice for you to make, that’s up to the father. While they should know that’s his side, not yours and it’s up to him to tell them. However, if you do tell them don’t just show up at the door, write them or send a message but don’t show up unexpectedly.
I let my son’s grandparents know about him but they are just like there son not active in my child’s life.
Literally went thru similar.
My daughter’s biological family have never met her, they may have seen pics but that’s about it. Her bio dad decided he didn’t want to be a father and left when I was 15weeks preg. He doesn’t support her financially or anything though. His parents have been told so much bullshit to save his gronky ass that they probably don’t even think she is their grandchild.
I was blessed to start dating a man when my daughter was a couple months old, he is a proper dad to her
Accept what life is, don’t worry about anyone else and what they may think or need. It’s not your obligation.
If you know where they live, send them a small note and photo with your phone number. If they want to contact you, they can. And it isn’t up to him whether he wants to stop supporting his kid. If he does, take him to court.
It’s his choice to tell them. Leave it alone.
If he’s supportive he wouldn’t stop paying child support for any reason or be keeping his child from his grandparents like a dirty secret
If they wanted to they would of been there by now.
How would you feel if you have a biological grandchild that no one ever told you about? Now, I wouldn’t just show up on their doorstep. That’s a lot of pressure. This is something that they’ve been lied to about. I think I would start with writing a letter. Tell them that you’ve been torn with telling them because of the father, but that you would love nothing more than to have them in your child’s life. I would probably also make certain that I have some paternity proof as well. Just because I like to be prepared for whatever might come up.
I’d write them a letter with a picture of him as a baby and a picture of him now. Explain the situation and how that’s their grandson and how if they’d like to be in his life to give you a call and talk can set up a meeting. Leave it up to them to be in his life. If they don’t contact you then you know where they stand. When it comes to your sons father and child support, if he stops paying then go through court. Cuz at the end of the day it’s not about him or you honestly. It’s about your son knowing his family and his grandparents.
I would write a letter and send a picture of your little boy. But when you do this you can’t get upset when they contact you or ask for a DNA test to prove it. Most people would get angry at that response but for them it’s probably more of the fact that they don’t want to get attached and then find out later at least that’s what would probably be in their head then again they might embrace you with open arms but I would start with writing a letter. And then you have to factor in that once they know and it’s proven they might force their son to go after parental rights and 50/50 custody So are you okay with that And if you are then proceed but if you’re not let it be
I’d tell the grandparents they have a right to know.
Don’t worry about daddy dearest. Contact the grandparents and ask if they would like to come over for dinner and meet their grandson. Keeps it on your turf. Your son will be more comfortable meeting new people. Don’t bring up the gramma, grampa thing until you see how they react. If daddy don’t like it there is child support court…
My dad didn’t want me. His parents did though and they were the greatest grandparents EVER! Tell them people they have a grandkid!
Just tell them. Same thing happened with my son. I waited 6 months, told him he could tell them or I would. He never did so I sent his mom a message on Facebook
I personally feel there could be a good reason he doesn’t want them involved and if you blurted out you were pregnant and the mother heard that even if my son denied such things as a mother I would still talk to and find out for sure from the woman myself. But honestly if the father is supporting his child and has said he doesn’t want his parents involved I would honor his wishes for the time being. Wait until you child is old enough to understand and let him decide if he wants to pursue it against wishes or not.
Send the grandparents a email telling them and ask them if they want to be apart of their grandson’s life. I wouldn’t just show up. Your ex is not a good friend if he was he wouldn’t of ran when you told him you were pregnant. He’s paying you to keep quiet and that’s disgusting. If he stops paying than you can go through your families responsibility office to get child support. He is a coward for not wanting to be in your sons life. You need to advocate for your son and put your feelings aside
go after him for child support through your state not your problem no matter what he tries to say
I went thru this exact situation. My oldest sons father didn’t want anything to do with him when I left. He paid child support and helped the few times I had to ask. I sent his parents a letter telling them I believe they deserve to know. And left it up to them after that. I got an email from them when he was 12 asking if they could meet him. I told them as long as it wasn’t a one time thing and they were going to continue being in his life I was okay with it. He is now 22 and has an awesome relationship with his grandparents. They asked that we not tell his dad or his dad’s new wife. But that wasn’t an issue because we don’t talk to them at all anyways. As much as you know your kid deserves all of his family in his life, it is not something that you can force. Just make them aware and let them choose. Just pray they choose right.
I would just apologize that it took you this long to reach out but you assumed that their son would tell them. That regardless of the relationship you have with him you want them a part of their grandchild‘s life so they are not penalized for his awful character flaw
I would contact the grandparents and send a photo of your son (not a new photo for safety reasons but, not an old photo). Write and explain the situation and then let it be.
Let your son contact them if he wants when he’s old enough.
And if the grandparents don’t come they aren’t interested but you need to give them enough time to think about things too before they are face to face…
I would just keep my child to myself. Cant imagine my son going over to family where he doesn’t belong . The father clearly doesn’t want him. Why would i want my son to have any part of that family. So now he’s gonna have to call him mom and ask if they baby is there so he won’t come over and bump into him🤡
Let them know he does exist , and let it be their choice to form a relationship with him…But then again Maby there is some reason he doesn’t want them to know🤷🤷him…My son’s are adults now…andk their paternal grandparents never wanted anything to do with them…But I tried to bring them together but it never happened…But that was their loss…Believe me sweetie as your son gets older he is gonna know who was their for him and who wasn’t…and you will reap the rewards of getting to love him twice as hard:heart:
Personally I would leave it be. There may be a reason he doesn’t want them to know. As of right now he supports the child and nothing else. Telling them may open a whole can of worms you may not want to be a part of.
Don’t do child support without the courts. It’s just opening you up to be manipulated by him. If you don’t want courts involved then don’t be dependent on CS. I’m not meaning it in a mean way. Ask for the grandparents. I would be deeply hurt if my son had a child he didn’t tell me about. However I don’t feel it’s your place. I understand you want your son to have more family. I totally get that. But you telling them won’t necessarily achieve that. It could cause more problems for you. For example they may want custody & urge their son to file for it. Are you ok with not having your son or only having him half the time? Really think about what could happen if you spring thing surprise on them.
Leave it alone , you do not know the reason why he does not want his parents to know.
If I was in your situation I would definitely let his parents know. Just think someday your son is going to have questions not only about his father, but also his grandparents. What do you think your son is going to think when you tell him you didn’t get his grandparents involved because you were afraid it would mess up his father’s financial situation. He would most likely feel you care more about the money then his feels. Your ex may be a deadbeat dad & not be involved in your son’s life, but you should at least give the grandparents a chance to get to know him. I would contact them.
As a mother and grandmother myself, there’s a good chance that they won’t believe u even if they want too. Then they will ask him and if he says something like “No he’s mine” then they definitely won’t believe u so it would be pointless. Be prepared with some type of proof. Blood tests or something
I think you’re getting your hopes up because you see this fairy tale in your head and want that for your kid. Odds are they probably aren’t going to want to be around either if he doesn’t. Tell them but be prepared for them to be pissed that you waited over 2 1/2 years to reach out and they may not want anything to do with you.
Put the father on child support and then send a card to the grandparents and tell them
I think the grandparents have a right to know… then it’s up to them to step up and be a part in the child’s life… hopefully they decide to do the right thing… I’d imagine they’d want a Paternity test but either way they might be excited and love and cherish that child… just give them a chance and good luck with it all!
I did NOT stay in contact with my mother-in-law when we split up. I regret that. Many years later my daughter received a letter from her grandmother and it proved that my mother-in-law had been told her son’s version which was not true. The ex always blamed me for the split up. To him the fact that he cheated on me for over 2 years was not a factor in our divorce. He hardly saw our children, much less taking them to see their grandmother out of state. I wish I would have told my mother-in-law the truth and taken the kids to see her. She died over 10 years ago. My kids were not even informed of her passing. I found out accidently later. My ex has not had any contact with our kids in over 10 years. Sad situation.
Reading this idk why but I feel like his parents would be like Ryan’s parents (Maci’s from teen mom baby dad) Reach out. If they’re ugly people then keep your baby to yourself
So he basically kept you and his kid a secret from his family and deserted both of y’all and you consider him a good friend? SMH. Just contact the parents yourself.
How is he a good friend?? A good friend supports you and your kid. Tell his family about their grandson before he gets too old and its too late. You can file for child support and he will be forced to pay.
Leave it alone. As much as you want your child to have more family it could go the wrong direction for you and your child
This is probably the wrong question now, but are you planning on marrying this new guy in your life and is he willing to adopt your son, since the father really isn’t interested in him being in his life? If so, does he have parents that are willing to be grandparents? Could change the entire scenario. Document everything now. When kids grow up and want questions answered, you have answers and they’ll be fine.
Sounds like the son is a POS. I would personally reach out to them. Dad can decide if he wants to be involved, give them that same opportunity. I can imagine it’s a very scary and intimidating situation. You maybe met with reservations or open arms, won’t know until you make the first move.
If he stops paying support file through the courts if you so choose. A good/supportive friend wouldn’t shit on you or his child like that. Trust me when I say this is a friend you could do without.
How well do you know his parents? What was his purpose in keeping everything from them? They could potentially be a good support system to you and your child. I’m not so sure showing up on their doorstep is the best idea. They may be shocked and not react very well to it at first. Maybe write them a letter and include a few pictures along with your contact info. That way it will give them time to take it all in. As far as child support goes, get a court order. That way he can’t hold it over your head in an attempt to control the situation.
I would tell them. Look them up on Facebook.
1000% show up at the door step it makes things more real and is hard for people not to want to be involved if they see the child in person
I say move on and let the guy your with now help raise him…
You dont?? Idk … its a hard decision to make
You’ve already had your answer. His mother heard it directly from you that you were pregnant with her sons child. If she wanted to be involved she would be contacting you. It sounds like the fruit doesn’t fall far from the tree. The babies father isn’t completely involved here either. It seems he has asked his parents not to be involved.
At the end of the day, it doesn’t really matter, you can’t make his family be involved if they don’t want to be, and more importantly, you can’t force things if your child’s father doesn’t want them involved, clearly they are respecting his wishes.
If you are hard pressed to change this you could go to court and get a custody and child support order. Then reach out to his parents and ask them if they want to be involved. But you should be prepared that they do not. Which they’ve clearly already demonstrated. And that will change your good terms and co parenting with the babies father also. Somethings are a trade off.
And better the devil you know than the devil you don’t. You could make matters worse.
I personally would wait untill your son is old enough to communicate with you about things he may feel uncomfortable about while with the grandparents. That would be my main concern.
Establish child support through the courts asap. Then reach out to them via phone. Its super easy to find people, their addresses, and telephone numbers online.
Excuse me? The relationship YOU have with HIM? How about the relationship HE should be having with the CHILD? That child has a right to their father AND their grandparents. If the three of them choose not to have a relationship with the child, that’s on them but you need to try. Take the father to court for child support, make it all legal and then let the grandparents know about that grand baby of theirs.
Money & material things are replaceable. Unfortunately time isn’t. Ita not fair to your child nor them. Because it is possible they don’t know about the child. You will never know if you don’t try.
Send them a letter explain you’re afraid it will damage the relationship between you and father … give them the option to refuse or accept
He doesn’t want the child in his life so why bother having his parents involved. Keep on keeping on with you your son and bf
Relationships are more important than any dollar amount.
Find out a little of the things that they do if you can, like grocery store Walmart the park. Etc. and Accidentally on purpose run into them then just say would you like to see your grandchild and take it from there
As a nanna, i would want to know if I had a grandchild I didn’t know about
Whether the boys dad likes it or not they are his grandparents
Send a little letter with a pic and your number and see what the outcome is
Don’t worry about your ex
He may just not want his parents to know because they would be angry with him xx
He’s a good friend and very supportive……but has nothing to do with his child?
My daughter was in the same exact situation, she told him she was pregnant and he packed up and .over to Arizona, we live in Michigan. He had NOTHING to do with his son, then when son turned 10 he decided he wanted to meet him, and introduce him to his parents. Biggest mistake we ever let happen. The dad was a bully thing my grandson how tough he was and scaring to bejesus out of him. As long as the dad had
You can’t have “he has nothing to do with him and he’s very supportive” in the same sentence. He isn’t supportive until he actually steps up and becomes a father to your son. Money isn’t at all what will make your son grow into a wonderful man, but the example set by his father will. Perhaps the grand parents were told differently after they left your house and so didn’t believe you were pregnant. I would call, let them know and then leave it at that. If they choose to be involved cool, if they don’t then their loss
I went through a similar situation. His parents knew but they refused to get involved. They portray the super amazing lovely family but when I open the doors for them to be In my sons life , they ignored him and they pretend he doesn’t exist. So my best advice, move on . You don’t need them , either your son
Setting to do with the kiddo the grandparents did. Well the worthless post went back West, grandparents don’t have a thing to do with their grandson. No Christmas or birthdays no calls. Now the donor us back and son refuses to see or even talk to him. Your choice. I say you’re better off without them in his life, I know this first hand
So first of all you can take him to court for child support but no he isn’t supportive or a friend. If he was your son would have a relationship with his dad and grandparents. I would say try and make contact with them and let them know they have a grandchild. If they want a relationship then move forward if not no loss.
IF you want his grandparents in his life, you should tell them.
IF they tell their son you reached out, deal with that when the time comes. IF it comes.
If he stops paying, go through the court if you’re dependent in that income.
Does your Ex have any brothers or sisters you might talk with them maybe
I’m going through this same situation! My daughter is only 9 months though. Keep us updated. I’m scared because of the financial reasons also! Let us know what you decide to do
I say forget those people An d live a happy life.
Go to court, get a court order (if he questions paternity, they will do a test) for him to pay child support (he’s probably paying too little) and then show up on their door step!
I would tell the grandparents if they decide not to see him, that is their decision. But at least you tried, you can force people to be in your life. But if you don’t try, you will always wonder what could have been
Stop catering to your ex . ( ie havent gone through court for support, hes a good friend, etc) if his mother knows and hasnt reached out I wouldnt bother.
The first thing you should do (since he’s obviously an absent parent) is file for court ordered child support. Then, I would take your boyfriends advice, to an extent. If they have FB, I would message them with a picture of their grandson. If they choose to be involved, great. If not, don’t force it. Protect yourself and your child above all else. On a side note, there should be NO relationship between you and your ex. He’s not a “good friend”. He can’t even take care of his child. Why on earth would you want a man in your life, in any aspect, when that man isn’t man enough to be in his child’s life?!?
I found my sons donors family on Facebook and told them. I sent screenshots and all .
Awww man. I’m not even sure what to do in a situation like this. I’m sorry you’re going through it.
If your bf doesn’t want his parents involved and he is paying child support …you better leave it as it is…
If you open that door be prepared for possible legal issues.
I never got the chance to get to meet grandson until my son passed away and then only because his mother was wanting money or assets if he had any. So at least give them a chance to choose if they want to be a part of his life.
What? Hes not in your son’s life, but your good friends?
Personally, a relationship, bond and more love, is more important to me then money, you can file for child support anytime, and he will have to pay you, but you can’t replace memories your child may be missing out on, by not involving the grandparents.
Never cheat your son or grandparents from having a relationship it’s neither one of their faults. At least put it out there in a friendly letter perhaps a picture enclosed and see what they do.
If he isn’t around and not involved how is he a good friend or supportive? Just financially? If he hasn’t told his parents that he has a child I definitely wouldn’t consider him as such. I would try to tell the Grandparents and if they decide to not be involved with your child, let it go. Their loss. If the father has a problem and stops paying cs, go through the court.
When me and my husband first started dating … he didn’t want to tell anyone I was his gf, more less present me NOT even say I was pregnant! We got into an argument of not moving in together and not wanting to say nothing because he wasn’t ready … well guess what I did!!! I showed up to his mother’s house and spilled the beans even took ultrasound pics… We are now here together 10 years later almost 11 , married , with 4 kids and one on the way and we are amazing!
My advice is just go tell them!! It’s not fair for your baby especially your childhood… you know how it feels, don’t deprive your son. Put him on child support! And make him support your child.
Now let his grandparents decide what they want to do or not .
I personally would write the grandparents a letter. Send a few pictures and leave it up to them if they want to contact you and have a relationship with your son…
If you know their address send them a letter and photo inviting them to get to know their grandson then leave it up to them good luck hun
Give him fair warning that if he doesn’t tell them then you will. Instead of just showing up, write a letter and send some pictures. Give them the open door and then let them walk through it. My now husband didn’t tell his parents about our oldest until he was 5 weeks old and we weren’t together at the time. Thankfully they took it in stride and they adore both our boys now. I would rather my kids have amazing grandparents than the extra money.
I would write them a letter and just let them know everything. Then give them your contact info. Let them decide from there whether to step up as grandparents or not. You will also prevent your child from potential disappointment or rejection that their initial shock of learning the news could bring by just showing up on their door step with your child and by writing a letter to them you are allowing them time to process the news.
He is not a good friend. You need to understand that 1st. A good friend has your best interests at heart. He has you brainwashed. Do what YOU need to do for you & your baby.
Do want you think is best for you and your child. Perhaps writing them a letter and sending a photo