A little back story, and some name changes here, I'm gonna call my ex husband John, and his wife is gonna be Jane🤣
Anyway, I’ve been divorced for 2 years now, my ex husband John met Jane during our separation and started seeing each other. Then he and Jane ended up having a baby, and getting married shortly after our divorce was finalized. John and I have 2 children together, and they absolutely adored Jane and for the most part she was good to them. Back in Feburary of this year, they began having complications in their marriage. And by April (right before my daughters birthday) Jane decided to take their kid and leave the state.
Keep in mind my children grew very close to her.
Shes currently filing for a divorce, and every time John and Jane get into an argument she tells my children the nature of the arguments (my kids are 8 and 6, and the “nature” of said arguments are usually in the cheating and/or mild drug use catagories) to get them mad at their father. So I recently put a stop to her being able to contact my children without he or I being present. Because of course they use kids messenger so my daughter can video call with her little sister, no big deal, but what’s shes telling my kids IS a big deal.
Right now my kids are at their dads, and my daughter also uses kids messenger to talk to me, so today at 6pm I recieved a message from her saying “Jane isnt going to let us see our little sister anymore, she said none of us are allowed too”
It immediately broke my heart and angered my soul all at once. And like I said, Jane does and says this stuff every single time her and John get in an argument. Shes accused him of cheating recently, which makes no sense given the filing for divorce, the move to another state, AND having gone on dates recently herself and making sure John knew about it. Im thinking that might be why shes cutrently using their child as some sort of weapon to get her way? But regardless of that, I’m at a complete loss, my children LOOOVE their little sister, the last few months have been so hard on them because they havent been able to see her every day like they used to. And now they’re being told they cant even video call or come visit with their grandma. My daughter is so confused about all of this, she loves Jane, and she doesnt understand how Jane could do this to them.
I’ve asked John specifics of what’s going on and naturally hes currently arguing with Jane so I wont know anything for awhile.
I’ve already debated the idea of messaging her myself for my kids benefits, but what I neglected to mention is she hates me, she always has. I’ve tried for years to be cordial with her to no avail. So I’m pretty sure talking to her directly in any way will not help my kids continue contact with their sister.
At this point, I just need advise on what to do if this continues, how on earth can I possibly help my children through this?
Maybe with her and him not together she’ll be open to meeting at a park or something so the kids can see there sister. Maybe even offer to buy her a meal someplace so she doesn’t feel ur trying to find out where she lives. Let her know it’s for the kids. If she declines there’s nothing you can do until dad gets some kind of custody agreement
I feel even if she has “always hated you”, that I would probably personally send her a message, try and meet up as the lady above said since the ex isnt in the picture and go from there with her response from the message you send. Just let her know that the siblings are really missing their sibling and it’s been a very difficult time for them as well, and you just want the children to all be happy and able to see each other. I WOULD NOT mention anything of the ex, or the fights theyve had, or what she has said to tour children in the initial message however. I feel that it would prob make her defensive and less likely to possibly meet up
I would try and coordinate the dads time with the kids with the days he’ll have the child with Jane. That’s probably going to be your best bet is just to go through dad.
Jane does not sound like someone I would want my kids around. What is best for these kids mental health? You have pictures around. Tell stories, keep her alive. There will come a day when the kids will see their sibling. I know how hard it is! I have been in a similar situation.
Sometimes there’s nothing you can do. My son doesn’t have any contact with his older brothers. They chose not to be a part of his life and I have to respect that. It was hard and neither me or my son understood it but it is what it is. Be there for your kids and help them understand that life isn’t fair or easy. You can’t make anyone do anything.
You cannot control her. She has the right to do whatever she’d like with her child unfortunately right or wrong.
I would block her on all social media platforms for my children. Explain to them she needs some time to work through things. And her maybe let her realize the damage she is doing.
If and when she contacts me I would explain my children or her child are not pawns in getting back at John and when she realizes that and gets through whatever she is going through reach out and they can speak over the phone on your phone.
Cut contact she is apparently going through some stuff let her be and let your children know that it will all work out! They will see her soon enough
I know this is hard. But it’s not your situation to deal with. This is in John’s corner. Jane left the state with his daughter without his permission. Since they were/are legally married they share joint custody until court establishes custody. She kidnapped their daughter. He needs to file that in court. I suggest a lawyer. He can likely end up with custody over this alone. Your kids seeing their relatives on their father’s side is his responsibility. It would be nice if you & Jane got along & could arrange for them to know each but that’s not possible. You have no legal standing to start proceedings. You can support John in court on your children’s behalf to help him get visitation or custody. I’ve seen judges order that fathers have kids from different moms at the same time to encourage the sibling bond. He can even ask the judge to order video calls through the week between the kids. Make sure to set limits like no bad mouthing dad. He can do scheduled meets with himself & all the kids.
Sorry, but it’s out of your hands. Besides the immature crap, I’ve been in Jane’s shoes. And it’s hard to try to add extra into your life. Your kids aren’t her kids, so she has no obligation to do them any favors, as crappy as it is. It’s the risk you take blending families.
I would advise the kids that things are a little crazy and just tell them everybody needs a time out. Once the divorce is finalized the ex should get visitation and he can let your kids visit with their sister. If you press the matter right now she’s just going to resent you feeling like you were “attacking” her (for a lack of better words) and it’s just gonna get even uglier. I fully understand your not attacking her in any way but right now she’s probably overwhelmed with everything and we all know how the tiniest of things can become as big as the sea when we are overwhelmed. I would suggest having the kids get composition books and writing letters or like a journal to the child every day or drawing pictures that way when they do get to see the child they have this great big project they been working on all this time for her. Yes I get she’s still a baby and won’t understand but it gives your kids something to look forward to everyday. Best of luck
Is there a third party? Grandmother or something that would be willing to message her and initiate the conversation of visits with the children? My kids see their little sister when their grandmother has her.
Is “Jane” a teenager ORRR??? Lol… I am sry… But seriously, she is immature AND YOU WERE MATURE THAN I AM BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE SLAPPED HER FOR TALKING TO MY KIDS ABOUT THEIR FATHER DOING DRUGS EVEN IF IT IS JUST THAT! I know they have grandparents rights in some states, I wonder if they have something like that for siblings… Idk this is just all around SCREAMING HOW IMMATURE SHE IS!!!.. PERIOD!
“Good afternoon Jane, I am messaging on behalf of the kids. They miss their little sister. They want to continue to foster a relationship with her. Is it possible to have them get together?”
Keep it all about the kids if you do message. If she messages back anything that doesn’t pertain to the kids, ignore it.
That’s a lot. You sound so nice. But There’s nothing you can do. He needs to fight for some kind of custody. My boys have an older sister they can’t see because of drama like that & because their dad didn’t fight for any custody
I would try to talk with Jane if nothing good comes out of it I would set up an email address basically for the sister let your kids email her send videos and pictures. Some day you will be able to give her the account information and she will be able to see the emails. That way your kids can share their lives with her.
That’s so fcked up. See I can’t stand 1 of my brother’s baby momma’s, but I’m civil so I can see my niece’s. Also civil with the other 2 baby momma’s for same reason. I agree that “john” needs to take her to court. She kidnapped the child. That’s a no no. Smh…I’m a real petty btch, but when it comes to children that’s when that sh*t doesn’t apply. Kids come first. I’m sorry to say it will be awhile before they can see their sister. Smh
He needs to go to court for visitation also on parental alienation. If she’s telling the children things to try and get them not to like him that is parental alienation
This is not your business, he needs to man up, go to court, get set visitation, then your kids can see their sibling and there’s nothing she can do about it.
Totally different situation but my kids and I went through something like that…. My boyfriend has a daughter well he got 4 DUIS and had to serve prison time. The whole time he was locked up my boys didn’t get to see their sister. I would message her mom and ask if we could get the kids together because they missed her and she would never respond. Had to wait til after he got out to see her.
Absolutely pathetic!! WHY do people use children as pawns?? Put your foot down mom and cut off contact with the childlike mother. Your X should also have his kids back.
Unfortunately it’s none of your business. It’s his child so HE needs to take her to court and establish a parenting plan. I know your kids are hurt and you want to save them but truly, this is a battle that you’re going to have to sit out and tell your kids that they will have to wait and see what happens in the future
You can’t control how “Jane” is unfortunately. As an adult, some conversation is not meant for a child’s ears. “Jane”, being an adult should absolutely know better than to involve the kids in whatever is going on in the marriage. She actually should be ashamed for behaving like this. Smh. Hopefully she can calm down enough not to be bitter and let the siblings know each other. There will come a day when her own daughter is going to ask questions (and definitely come to her own conclusion on her Mother’s actions.) I would reach out and not pry. Just let her know that in the end the children love her and her daughter. Let her know that you hope they can still have a sibling relationship (without pointing blame that she would be the reason to not have a relationship.) I’m sure your ex will see his daughter when the court decides. It may not be as often if Mom left state.
Dad will have to fight for custody of his daughter and your kids will see her that way. If drugs are involved on his end though he needs to get help and clean up before he loses his daughter all together. I would just keep telling the kids they will see their sister soon. I wouldn’t reach out to the soon to be ex though because she will probably use you to get info on your ex, ive had it happen to me. So just stay civil and keep reassuring your kids.
For those saying it’s not the OPs business, she never said it was, she simply offered a backstory, and stated that she knew messaging “Jane” would not go over well.
Talk to her mom to mom. Leave both of you EX out of the conversation…. Maybe then the your kids can talk to her daughter when they are with you. Regardless of what you kids say, your Ex say or Jane…. You do not know what happens behind closed door. Or she could be toxic herself. But you need to make that decision on your own. Maybe your kids need to be separate until they get a little older. Good luck.
I’m sure your relishing on your exes pain for sure…and I’m sure your the one pushing the matter cuz kids are pretty resilient on grown up matters …I’m leaning towards your trying to stir the pot
Do not contact her at all. I feel for your kids and although it is affecting them, you don’t know the whole story. You are only getting bits and pieces of their marriage. You contacting her during this difficult time will only result in her being defensive especially if you know she clearly doesn’t like you. It sounds like you are using your children to insert yourself into their business under the guise of “my kids love and miss their sister”. While this is true, you in no shape or form need to have any contact with your ex’s soon to be ex wife. Let her grieve her marriage. All you can do in supporting your children is getting them therapy and reassuring them that they have a safe place with you and speaking to your ex solely about the kids “Timmy is having a hard time not seeing his little sister and although I will respect your privacy, what can we do about Timmy”. As enticing as the information you are receiving ( from an 8 and a 6 year old) you should redirect the topic into a positive one. Stay in your lane and mind your business by staying out of theirs. As hurtful as it may be to your kids and as helpless as it may feel, you need to be patient and let your ex handle his new family dynamic so you can re evaluate yours.
Do not contact her your children are your business hers are her business leave an opening for children to establish an independent relationship at the age of 18 if they wish to do so you cannot reason with a person who had limited intelligence allow your children to have a healthy relationship with their parents family and friends a loss is a loss you just have to be their for your one’s blending families can be nice when your dealing with mature normal people but when it’s not normal and the other person not good you will have problems lifes to short for that be happy with your lot let that father deal with it himself
John “ex husband “ needs to set up some type of visitation with the daughter they share and your kids can see the little sister through him. I wouldn’t reach out to Jane if as you say ya don’t have a good relationship. But JOHN needs to be on top of that , not so much yourself .
Sadly this is a situation you have no control over. Its up to John and Jane and that sucks for your kids but all you can do is support them through it.
“John” needs to get his ass in gear with the court systen and his rights to his daughter. If he is a good father “Jane” needs to be put in her place. Running away with the kid was bullshit. John needs to fight. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. You and “John” might need to sit down together with your kids and provide an explanation. Make sure they know its not their fault and that Jane is just having a hard time right now…dont bash anybody to them.
I wouldn’t like you either if you kept butting into my business.
You need to tell your children, what happens between them isn’t our business.
And you need to tell ex step mom to stop bringing your kids into it,
And you need a hobby and not get involved in your ex husbands drama. Take your kids on the high road, and block the step mom on messenger until you all can stay out of each other’s business.
I’d still get ahold of her and let her know how the kids feel about it.
My son and his wife separated and my grandchildren was so upset not seeing their aunt or the kids.
They did work things out and they are back together. Yay!
I’d still reach out and maybe suggest a day and time for the kids to video chat. Just because the adults are having “adult problems” it shouldn’t affect the kids in anyway. Most people don’t understand it hurts the kids more then the person they are trying to hurt.
“John” needs to file for custody asap before his wife does and ask for custody (physical) of their child and needs to put in there how she left the state without doing a relocation. That will hurt her case and help your children see their sister.
He needs to get a custody arrangement in order and make a point of her abusive and manipulative behaviors. Then your kids can see their sister whenever she’s with him or if he gets full custody (which sounds like he should based on what you’ve written), they will see her/talk to her even more
John and Jane sound toxic and kids don’t need to be around them til they can get their sht together. Simple. John needs to grow a pair and either take control of his marriage and wife’s behavior or kick Jane to the curb and get half custody of little sis and then your kids can visit their sister with Daddy.
Sadly you have to tell your children the truth. That their stepmom is using her child to hurt their Dad. And that you don’t want them to get hurt. Hell I don’t even think I would let my kids be around their Dad if he isn’t helping you to figure this out. Just tell them until Dad and Stepmom work this out you think they are better off not visiting. Maybe Dad will get serious wbout helping to figure it out. If not then he doesn’t deserve to have visits. My ex was an alcoholic. I gave him 3 chances and the last time he was passed out when I went to get them. Cut him off. He is dead now. RIP G7
Have your ex go for at least joint custody of his daughter if not sole custody I know how hard it is for kids not to be able to see a sibling. You can try to reach out to Jane and calmly let her know that hey your kids love their sister no matter what y’all had wrong between y’all too it shouldn’t be took out on the kids for anything because kids need their siblings even if you have to meet at a park or somewhere public even for him to be able to go eat can we please arrange something so all the kids can see each other because they all love each other what’s going on between the adults should not have to affect the little ones because they love each other and their siblings
My daughter has never met her big sister because her mom keeps her away, due to her paranoia with my ex husband. Currently I’m about to have our second child and another siblings that will grow up not knowing his big sister. It sucks alot. But I still hold onto hope that even though she don’t like me one day she and I can come together for our kids.
Once Jane told her business to your 8 and 6 year old it became your business. And once she used them by not letting the baby see her siblings it does make it somewhat your business. So dont let negative asshats bother you. Yes dad needs to get to court and get visitations worked out. And you could always contact a lawyer to see about setting up some kind of arrangements so the kids can see each other. No matter what your childrens feelings matter and everything about their lives is your business. Try atleast talking to Jane once maybe she will come around and work something out with you for the good of your children and hers.
Try doing things urself if she doesn’t respond u can atleast say u tried. With some people there is just no winning with. She can’t drag young children into adult problems and then expect u as a responsible parent 2 care about things she telling ur kids. That’s where a drawn line has been crossed and regardless needs 2 be addressed. She needs 2 understand where ur coming from and that just because u now share the same ex yall kids shouldn’t have 2 suffer. As 4 ur kids if u don’t get anywhere with either of them ur kids are old enough if u talk 2 them they may understand. U just have 2 explain in a way u know how 2 them.
Look up your states laws. In most states siblings have more rights to the child than a parent does. My husband’s ex and I had it out when she said that if something happened to my husband then my family and I would no longer be considered his family and his brother couldn’t see him until he was 18. Mind you my husband is perfectly healthy. So I just told her that’s fine if that happened I’d see her in court and sue her for visitation rights for my son if she was going to be like that. My son adores his big brother. Since then she’s been nothing but nice to me even though her and her family hate me because she filed for divorce and I met my husband right before it was finalized and when she tried to get back with him he said no and they really got divorced that time. It will help your exs case if you tell the courts what kind of dad he is so that he can see his other child and your children can see their sister.
I would send her a message regardless of how she feels about you. Put your feelings aside and only talk about the kids. I have a great relationship with my exs daughters mother because she’s the mother of my kids sibling. Those kids deserve to have a relationship despite what’s going on in their relationship. If she refuses there isn’t much else you can do until the father gets visitation
You personally can take her to court if your ex is on the birth certificate. It’s called siblings visitations/rights (or something like that). It’s so that parents can’t split up siblings (even half siblings or siblings because of marriage depending on how long you were apart of the kids lives). Speak to a lawyer and see if it’s something that can be arranged. I’m in Australia so our laws could be different.
Move on get away from your ex and all his problems. Share the kids but not the long life problems. He must be a real catch cheater and a drug addict. You kids are to young for all this drama. Why do you want your kids to be friends with this women who hates you and is leaving your ex and the state. Move on get yourself a little peace if mind forget all that nonsense.
One thing I’m not seeing in any comments is those kids absolutely need to be in therapy or seeing someone! They have been through a lot and her playing games, your ex doing drugs and stuff…dang. Get them a safe place to talk ASAP!
(In USA) Most states have family court lawyer that gives free advice (one free appt) on what avenue to take for these situations. Most states also have a sibling visitation law. I don’t see how being around that Woman right now would be beneficial to any of those children though. Dad needs to get custody in court and then maybe after a while address the sibling since she’s obviously toxic AF around your kids!
First, Block her from your kids messenger. Then, tell you kids that sometimes in life it’s best to let people go so they can heal, that their sister will always be their sister, but for their health they cannot keep on getting hurt over her mother. When the time is right you contact her directly so that your daughters can talk to thier sister, like on holidays etc, when YOU are present. If you ex has a problem with the boundaries you set for your girls, have him contact her and be there with your girls when she is talking to them. As parents y’al cannot let anyone come before the health of your children, and emotional manipulation is abuse and not healthy for growing girls. Best of wishes.
Jane is toxic. She’s telling your kids things they aren’t old enough to understand. She using their daughter as a sordid pawn in her game of hate. Block your children from any contact with her unless you or John are present. None of this can be construed as your fault either. Your kids will adjust. It’s just sad that their daughter won’t grow up knowing she had a brother and sister that loved her dearly. Jane will have to answer for that in the future. Hang in there. Life is not easy. Good luck and a hug for you.
This is going to be hard, BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You cannot control what someone else does, all u can do is comfort your children during this time and hope it all works out soon. Your babies need to know YOU WILL NEVER DO THIS, and that is all that will matter in the end! I’m so sorry you are going through this, be strong mama!!
You cannot fix the world for your children. But you can shield them from all of this negativity. First of all, it is probably best to sever your ties with Jane. Hopefully when the kids are older, things will be more settled and Jane will have become more stable. If those things about your husband being a drug user, then perhaps it’s time to limit the time they spend with him also. Under no circumstances should you discuss issues and problems about these people where your children can over hear. Even when you think they are not hearing they do listen!! Children need a loving,and stable atmosphere .
Block her from messaging your children. Do not allow her to do this to your kids. Have them away from this situation until these adults can act like adults. They do not need to be involved or know any of their problems.
My bet John did not meet Jane during your separation. Unfortunately, there isn’t alot you can do but be there for your children because if this childishness continues, they may not see their sister again until they are all grown.
Give it time. Be honest and let your children know that their little sister hasn’t seen them either. I adopted granddaughter. Dad remarried and had a baby. She loved her little sister. They had problems and little sister/mom moved away. Misses her. Has reconnected with her birth mom and brother and sisters. Daughter knows everyone and recognizes their faults and good points. She’s an adult now. Only little sister is still in school. They trade letters and calls. Just love your children and tell them adults make mistakes too.
Block on messenger and when they file for divorce make sure he says he wants to see his daughter on the weekends and trade holidays and get her for the full summer or have him tell the judge he didn’t want her to move out of state and she will have to come back
Why is she mad at you but anyway you just have to pray she come to her senses for the sisters! She really needs to grow up and stop blame the kids for her hubby cheating ways what she thought she was special!
They suck " - my ex new gf did the same thing to both my boys - ! Nothing you can do - some ppl are just evil ! Let Jesus - take care of them.
Keep screen shot - my new lawyer loves them , ( unstable home )my old said nothing I could do. -
My children are older my daughter is adult -’ 20 - my middle is 14 years old.
My baby only 5 years old. My cancer in Nov - makes so much more painful
If gf message a child - .
The father should man up -
What wrong with these men -
My dad left my mom at 5 year - these butt on street fast " if they had thought twice ’ my ex has read post. My son screen shot post on fb -"
I take to court and request drug test " cant be high have your children -"
I would wait before I did anything. I agree with the previous response of their dad needs to be the one to take care of it. And honestly it sounds like he needs to go to court for it. But you not being in the relationship and not being on good terms with her anyways I would not message or say anything to her right now. Let your kids know it might be a while before they see their sister but hopefully in time they can.
Ummm document everything and have “John” get a lawyer and go to court ASAP. Take all this alienation proof to the judge. And tell him to take drug tests now to prove his sobriety.
good luck!
