How do I make this right?

I had a disagreement with my MIL about a year ago on Thanksgivings. Basically regarding how I felt she treats my children differently then her other grandchildren. She informed me she did not have to treat them the same and she would not be asking to see/pick up my kids anymore since I felt this way. Flash forward a year and she’s maybe seen her grandkids 10 times. She has only reached out through my husband and refuses to speak to me whatsoever. She even missed our son’s 1st birthday. This really hurt us! We also have a 10 year old that has been deeply hurt by this! We have tried to shelter her but kids notice tension between family and she has definitely picked up on it. So.. recently with holidays upon us again I reached out to her. She basically said I’m not welcome at her home but my husband and kids are. Needless to say we didn’t attend Thanksgivings this year. The first Thanksgiving in 17 years we hadn’t all been together and my heart is broken especially for my kids! I don’t know how to make this right?
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I would maybe ask her if she would be willing to meet with you for lunch or something so you guys can talk. I would tell her that it hurts you guys a lot that you aren’t all together especially during the holiday season. I would let her know it was something you wanted to bring up to her & you didn’t mean to offend her… especially to this extent. Then I guess the ball is really in her court on what she wants to do, all you can do is try.

You cannot make grandparents treat all kids the same. My mom has 7 girls and 23 grandkids. There where some she was closer too. The reason being is that sister always dropped then over there. She never refused to watch any of the kids but never actively asked for them either. She spent more money on those kids then mine. But she treated them all nicely. I never cared because I didn’t go out of my way either. It goes both ways and I don’t expect anyone but myself to buy them things.
Unless she was ugly or hurtful to your kids you are being petty. All you can do is speak with her face to face and apologize fir being ealous. Let her know that she is welcome to have the kids whenever she wants.
I am sure his mom is important to him and the kids are obviously affected. All you can do is apologize then the ball is her court.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I make this right?

Tell her to grow up and tell him that he needs to talk to his mom or it’s over between you guys because your children didn’t ask for this

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You can’t make it right. Your husband needs to talk to his mom on your behalf. That’s his job.

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It’s not you who has to make it right! She needs to be a grown ass woman and if she can’t her loss!!

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Has your spouse talked to his Mom to explain how his kids feel?

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She sounds toxic. Stay away! You can’t force a relationship, when there wasn’t truly one in the first place.

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You can’t make it right with a narcissist. You only instill boundaries to insure your family won’t be hurt by their selfish choices and actions. Cut. Her. Off.

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She needs to grow tf up

SHE should be making it right. You’re protecting your children. Her being absent is her fault not yours. Your daughter may pick up on the tension but it’s way better than her seeing her grandmother treat her cousins better.

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If she is toxic, there is no right. It hurts you, your husband and children and I’m sure other extended family too. However, that does not mean you have to be on the receiving end of her toxicity. I would have your husband speak with her, but other than that, that’s all you can do :woman_shrugging:t3:

What does your man say? How does he feel? Honestly, I would have just gone and if she told me to leave, my man had better back me up or back our asses outta the driveway 🤷🏻

She doesn’t want to admit she was wrong about hownshe treated your kids. so she’ll play victim instead, making it like it’s your fault. This is narcissistic behavior. It’s what they do.

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Drop her
It’s not YOU who is showing their arse it’s her
At this point, she is waiting for you to beg and you’ll have to kiss ass forever
Drop her like a hot rock
Invite everyone but HER for New Years or something

How it seems she didn’t like being called out on her behavior and now acting childish over it

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Sounds like someone you don’t need to be around. This can’t be her only toxic trait. I have no respect for ppl who take shit out on the kids and can’t bite their tongue and be civil at least. These ppl don’t deserve you.

Maybe ask your husbands siblings to intervene

I really don’t think it’s up to you to make it right. It sounds like MIL needs to do some work on her self. She then can start to make it right with everybody else…just a thought…

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Invite them all to your house for christmas

She sounds like a bitch

Guys she herself has said something about how she treats them and she straight up said that she can treat them however she pleases. That’s not right and I don’t see how her husband could change her mind. He had supported her by not attending the Thanksgiving without her, which was the option given. I’m sure we aren’t getting it all because there are 3 sides to a story: hers, mil, and the truth.

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I’d stay away from her.

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This shows that she does in fact treat the children different and you called her out on her mess. Me personally I would not associate with her at all.

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Why would you need to make it right? You did good on your part for your kids. Sounds to me like you are a good mom and that its her job to make things right on her end. And if she doesn’t then so be it. But please don’t feel as if you are in the wrong for standing up for your kids, ever.

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MIL needs yo grow the f up. Of she truly cares and wants to see her grandchildren, she will make the effort. Missing your child’s birthday over a petty disagreement is stupid BS. It’s on her.

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You make this right by showing up to ever function your husband and children are invited.

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That’s toxic and I wouldn’t want my family I created wondering why their treated differently or not loved the same . That’s wrong and for her to be immature about the situation means she really don’t care about your or your children feelings .

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Start your own family traditions. Everyone helps make the food. A nice walk or ride after. Or volunteer as a family if there is a shelter having a holiday meal.

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Maybe The Only Person Who Should Be Considering Making An Apology Is Your MIL …
Give an inch she will expect much much more

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U can’t make something right with someone so toxic

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Let her be bitter & don’t contact her or even let her know it bothers you. Live your life, she’ll be sorry in the end.

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Maybe ask her if there’s any way you can both make things right for the kids sake? An honest conversation is a good start, and you may need to be the bigger person and maintain integrity even if she goes left. If she’s so toxic she won’t have an adult conversation, then your husbands likely needs to lay down the law with her- everyone gets respect or you get no one.

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You don’t. Stay away from her. I wouldn’t want my children around her anyway if she’s treating them differently.

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Keep the children away from her, toxic.

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Start your own traditions. Make it special for you and yours. She sounds toxic and sometimes even family needs to cut off

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You did your part. Your a great mom and stuck up for her kids! You don’t have to make things right.

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Shit like that builds a rift. My grandma and I will never be close due to her cutting my mom out of the family for marrying the wrong man

You don’t have to negotiate with a toxic person.

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Her loss. You can’t make it right, only she can. And until she chooses to, let her be.

Just let her be, giving in only justifies her behavior she knows she is in the wrong. She does not control your household, you and your husband do.

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Your husband needs to tell his mom something. Either way, she’s toxic af

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My now ex mil lived next door to me until 2 months ago and saw my kids (her son’s kids) once since Christmas last year. We had no tension but she did choose her daughters kids over mine and her son’s. Let bygones be bygones :woman_shrugging:t2:

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I wouldn’t have my kids around her :woman_shrugging:

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What’s her phone number ?mama will take care old the old hag for you. Nicely at first of course. Remind her of all the tragedy and pain in the world and that life is short and that you should value the people who love you while you still have them. I’m so sorry you have to deal with this sending love and good vibes your way :heart:

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I was invited to go to Thanksgiving dinner but I declined allowing my son to go.
I do not need the drama.

You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t have to make it right especially with her. She’s the one who got defensive, she’s the one who’s missing out. When they get older your kids will know who was there and who wasn’t and they will make the decision one day to not have her in their lives.

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Toxic is toxic. Better off without that. I’m currently dealing with the same situation. It has hurt my husband a lot, but we are moving on and staying strong.

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She is the one choosing too shut you and your children out, and as what you said she Admitted to treating the grandkids and you different it’s sad for your husband his children and you

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You’re husband need to check her… stop destroying yourself internally over her,consider it as an unanswered prayer!!!

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Why would you want to? It sounds like she doesn’t care for your children otherwise you wouldn’t have said anything to begin with… and she clearly doesn’t miss them that much other wise she would grow up and apologize to you not the other way around. Sounds like your kids are better off. If you really want it fixed for whatever reason though your husband needs to talk to his mother. You will not be able to fix this, she won’t care for anything you have to say at this point.

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Nope. There is NO need at all to make this right
The bish treats kids differently. She straight up said she dont care that she does. And will not bother you and your kids because you felt that?? CHILDISH!! TOXIC!!
Leave her alone. Call the bish on speaker, with your eldest nearby, let her hear the horrible behaviour towards you and then explain why this hurts you and why you dont want to be around this psycho

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You didn’t break it, so you can’t make it right. Make a nice holiday for your kids and whoever wants to be involved can be and that’s that. Make your own traditions and have a nice time with your family as it is. This isn’t your problem to solve.

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Teaching moment for your kids- it’s not ok to treat people in a toxic disposable manner no matter who you are. And then move on. Family is not always family unfortunately.

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This is honestly her loss…by not seeing her own grandchildren. There are so any others that will love and cherish HER grandchildren in so many ways. She is the one missing out. She sounds like she is one way and they name streets after her called one way so just let her keep going in that direction and tell her to not look back. She isn’t teaching those children nothing and they need to grow with love not hate. Her loss.

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Just have your small gathering at your place. Don’t try to force someone to accept you.

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There’s nothing that will make it right until she herself fixes her behavior. Sorry you’re dealing with this. I have experienced the same issue. I don’t speak to my MIL anymore. I know mine and my children’s worth & I refuse to let them be treated poorly.

Na your husband needs to handle the situation with his mother. That’s not right. He needs to stick up for you. There’s no reason for her to be acting like this or an excuse for what she’s said.

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You don’t fix it. She doesnt want to treat your kids better and clearly doesn’t care to be involved. To keep you out all because you spoke up on the behalf of your kids is horrible. She won’t change if she hasn’t done so already. Pushing the matter will only make things worse. Let your daughter know that those in her life that want to be in it will treat her right and stick around as she should for those kinds of people. You do not have to mention your MIL as an example, but make sure she knows to treat others the way she wishes to be treated and to accept nothing less

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Even though it might hurt at first, you’ll eventually create your own traditions. Stay away from her, and keep your children away from her. Toxic and negative behavior can also be picked up by children. Keep that in mind

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She sounds peachy. Her loss. Disgusting behavior

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Sounds to me like your husband needs to get involved & she needs to let it go & stop acting like that. First of all, those are your children & as their mother it’s your job to speak up for them when things ain’t right. You simply informed her you didn’t think she treated them the same & that’s just how you feel… she could of done something to fix it or told you she’s sorry but she doesn’t agree. It didn’t need to turn into all this for you simply speaking up to someone who is supposed to be family. She needs to stop being a child & get over it. It may of hurt her feelings, but at this point she’s being a shitty grandmother & clearly isn’t putting the kids before herself or anyone else. Especially that… does she truly think your kids would be happy leaving you home alone for the holidays? She’s an ass for even saying that & doing that to you all. Your husband needs to have your back & tell her to knock this shit off or HE won’t be coming around either anymore.

Start your own thanks giving dinner… start away if you are not appreciated! There is nothing to fix, it’s all clear.

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I wouldn’t want to make that right. Good riddance. Find your support system that isn’t toxic and awful.

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If she treats your children differently and has an issue with you then you do not have to allow her in your life. I know it hurts but as a grandchild who was treated differently I wish my parents would have protected me

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Your husband should stand up and tell his mother what is what… Let her stay in her corner and be sour. Do your own family thanksgiving dinners from now on. She’ll realise her wrong eventually and apologize too you.

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Can’t force anything! This is her choosing and she’s being a child. Even if you were to “make it right” you’ll always feel as it is forced. Hubby should say something.

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Just because they are blood doesn’t make them family. You don’t owe her anything. Have people in your children’s lives who want to be there.

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SEVENTEEN years? 17 years that she let go down the drain because you said you felt your kids weren’t treated the same? Something else has to be bothering her or she’s disturbed!

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It seems you hit the nail point on, your MLN is a bitch and you should keep your children away from her, create your on Thanksgiving and let yourself and your children feel special and not be intimated by the bitter old battlelax! She will find other victims!

Being the devils advocate here…why do you feel like MIL should feel the same about grandchildren and in-laws…just asking? Regardless of what people may be willing to outwardly admit, we don’t like everyone in our family. Be it children, grandchildren, or in-laws. Not everyone is going to like everyone and personally if my MIL didn’t like me, I could care less if my kids and husband went to her house for the holidays…less I would have to do and it would give me a break…

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Don’t. Leave her be and don’t allow her to treat your kids that way. Toxic is toxic family or not. My MIL treats me like shit and I finally cut her out. She’s not welcome at my house. I cut any and all family I need to for being toxic to me or my kids.

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Sounds like your better off without her

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teaching moment for them if favoritism is at play then they don’t need hurt or toxic around them

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There is a lot going on here. A. Lot.
Because this a mom’s page, the default opinion is that she’s the problem…not you.
But realistically…there isn’t enough information for any one to give you good or accurate advice.
How differently were the kids treated?
What exactly was said during this disagreement by her…but also by you?
You “reached out” but…in what way?

I’ve found with issues like this both parties are to blame…rather than just one. I think real communication for both of you is going to be the best solution.

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You don’t like how your kids are being treated, you put up a boundary, you did what you should’ve and she reacted aggressively. Make new traditions. The way to make this right is for her to stop acting like a child when being confronted about her actions.

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Girl fuck your MIL. Respectfully.

No matter what the difference is between you 2 those are her grandkids and she should still want to be as much involved in their lives , and that means sitting around a table like civilized adults and enjoy the time together because of the kids . Your husband should actually be the one to set that straight with his mother.
And the fact that you noticed the difference in behavior and brought it to her attention only for her to give a stupid answer should say alot about her.
Nevertheless you did your part . You going into a new year,don’t force anything! Be at peace with yourself and enjoy the time with those who want you around.

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It’s not on you to make it right.
The fact she got that mad tells me she knows you’re right.
Inform her she doesn’t have grandchildren in your house so they won’t be attending anything at her home.
All you can do is teach your children to love from a distance & learned that they don’t have to feel bad when other ppl act out.

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It’s hard to hear but drop that toxic part of the family. You don’t need that and neither do your kids. Be an example to your kids and show them not to put up and “entertain” toxic people. I have cut out toxic people from my life because of “not wanting to converse with my spouse” my life has been happier and my kids haven’t asked why. It’s not up to you who is in those kids life if the grama wants to be in the kids life she has to make the effort and treat everyone the same. done deal.

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She sounds like drama and a headache. Your kids don’t need to be exposed to this BS, just because it’s “tradition” for the family to put up with her. Host your own family gatherings, if you want your kids to have that experience. If she refuses to speak to you, and missed her grandchild’s first birthday out of spite, than you won’t be missing out on anything by turning the page and creating new traditions for your family…

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Provided you have done your part in rectifying the issue, this is out of your hands. This is his side of the family and your husband needs to go to bat. A clear message of solidarity with you and the kids.

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Your husband needs to make this right. But also your MIL needs to grow up.

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If you’ve apologized and it was not accepted, move on with your life.

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Sounds like you are better off without her in your lives. Especially if she won’t treat your kids the way she treats others. I would stop reaching out to her all together and I would probably not let her come around at all. She wants to act this way then she really won’t be in your kids lives anyway. Best to stop it instead of doing it once in a while.

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The damage is done. She showed her true colors. Stay away and keep your kids from her. They’ll only learn bitterness from her.

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She sounds terrible. I’m sorry you’re going through this. She obviously isn’t used to being held accountable and can’t handle it.

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There isn’t and this isn’t about being right or wrong, this is setting boundaries. These are boundaries she needs to learn and that is awesome you have a husband that will stand by your side. At the end of the day, it is on her.

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You reached out. You did your oft towards making it right. If she’s not willing to accept that, then it’s time to make other plans. It’ll hurt, but my kids wouldn’t be visiting anywhere I wasn’t welcome. :v:t2:

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Favoritism us the worst on kiss! So she needs to make it right on her half.

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Your husband needs to call her out on her BS not YOU. He should have been the one to call her out to begin with.

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Honestly the only way she will probably hear anything you have to say is if your husband speaks to her on your behalf and stand up to her. It wasn’t about kids cause we didn’t have any but my ex mil wouldn’t even give me a chance until he stood up to her about how she treats me. After that things got better

You tried and she declined . You did your part f her ! She’s being immature and she will regret it

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Start new traditions at home

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She continues to show her true colors. Make plans w your husband and kids

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My Morher in-law was the same. My husband and we’re bringing 2 families together. His 3 children and my 3 children. My mother in law ignored my children. As my children got older and married , my son had a son who spent a lot of time with us ( grandma and papa) . My mother in-law told my 2 yr old grandson that my husband was not his papa. My grandson asked papa in tears if he was his papa. My husband looked right at his mother and told our grandson YES l am your papa and do not let anyone say different ( our grandson is very intelligent).
I told my mother in law off. She never said it again. I always spoke my mind to mother in law and she always came back.
Do not ever back down to people like that.
As my Grandchildren got older l explained them how they were related to papa and how he loves them very very much. Unfortunately he has more bond with them then his children’s children as we have never seen some of them as they moved away as teenagers to their mother

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When your kids are grown and if she’s still around they can have their own relationship with her. Now ain’t it.

You reached out, she’s being petty. Your husband needs to tell her that if that is how she feels then none of your family will be attending family gatherings and she won’t have a relationship with your kids. She will either grow up and get over it or you cut her off! Toxicity is not worth your family peace. Just do things with cousins without her :woman_shrugging:

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This is so sad. Keep being the bigger person and keep reaching out to her.I pray her heart softens and she lets it go. The kids will miss her and she them.