How can I talk to my best friend without her feeling like I am attacking her? She is married and both her and her husband work 3rd shift and they always have…they share 4 kids and literally never see them…her kids are bad and all of them act out or have some sort of issue and i want to tell her its because she doesnt parent them and never spends time with them…and before you come for me let me just say…they spend with night at their grandparents…when mom gets off she comes to get them and then takes them to either school or the babysitter to go home and sleep…then she wakes up, spends an hour or so with them, sends them back to their grandparents and again…is away from her kids while she works…i get that she needs a job and so does her husband but they are not even trying to get on first shift or oppoiste shifts so one of them can parent their kids…she cant even hadnle being with them the hour that she is with them and even on the weekends when they are off they try to send them somewhere else bc she starts complaining the second she is with them…i dont want her to be mad at me but i feel like i need to be hoenst with her about things she needs to change…how do i go about this? we have been best friends for 15 years…
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I open up to my best friend about her parenting?
You dont, you support her
Until she asks for it keep your opinion to yourself
Not your monkey or your circus!
Mind ya business. Mind ya own kids.
It’s really not your place to say anything best friend or not !!
You don’t. You let her parent how she sees fit. Some parents have to bust their asses everyday just to provide and night shift sometimes pays more then any other shift
Mind your own business. It’s not your place to tell her anything.
Yeah I agree with above. Not your place
You don’t, she doesn’t need your judgement just your friendship
I wouldn’t say anything unless you want to lose your best friend
Its none of your business really.
You’re gonna lose a friend sticking your nose where it doesn’t belong, not your place, none of your business.
None of your business, unless you are paying her bills.
You don’t it’s her family if you don’t like it don’t be her friend period don’t be that nosey friend
If she’s really that close to you, you wouldn’t be asking for advice on whether or not to tell her 
you’d already know what to do and I bet it’s to mind your own business. Honestly it’s not that easy to provide for children these days even with a job so just hushhh and mind your own.
3rd shift makes more money… They gotta pay the bills. I’d be pissed off if my bf came at me with some nonsense like that.
One day her kids will realize who was there and who wasnt and will say something. But I wouldn’t say anything because how I see it is that it’s her loss, if she cant handle her kids then let someone who can and will take care of them proporly do so 
The only time I would say something is if she was talking to me about how bad they were. I wouldn’t judge her, but I would suggest maybe alittle more time with her kids would benefit her kids and her. They probably act out as they never see mom& dad. But I wouldn’t tell her that’s what she needs to do. I would just give a suggestion when talked to about it.
“Maybe just say something like, have you tried taking them camping for a weekend ? Or to a beach to burn off their energy”?
You don’t say a word. Not your kids not your business
Honestly I would say something but be careful how you word it. Ask her if she needs help or support. If you are genuinely worried about the kids and want what’s best for them then tred lightly when bringing it up. No parent should treat there kid like that.
Sounds like your words will only fall on deaf ears and cause friction, you can’t advise people how to parent, you either have it or you don’t.
You dont! None of your business.
You don’t you mind your own business. They are not your kids they are her kids and unless she is beating the shit out of them mind your own business. Causing unnecessary shit with people is not going to do anyone any good and just cause drama and hate.
Atleast shes spending 1 to 2 hours with them before they go back to their grandparents house… I reckon don’t say anything cause she will think your attacking her or see if shes okay and not depressed… I did that with my 2nd one while i was working night shift and my partner day shift but at the same time i was also depressed aswell and just handed the lil one to my mum…
Mom shaming other moms is disgusting. If you wanna sit down and have a heart to heart do it but do not mom shame
It’s not your place. Some best friends…I mean wow…Best friends support, they don’t judge. Her family dynamic is way different then yours. Why don’t you try supporting her and see what she really needs instead of judging her. Maybe it’s a girl’s night, maybe she is super depressed and needs someone to stand in the dark with her…when you assume things you’re usually wrong.
Don’t ask don’t tell in this situation imo
I think if you bring it up it will be taken as judgment, unsolicited.
There is no right way to have a conversation with someone about their parenting skills (in your opinion) and how they do things. If you go there you will lose the friendship imo
I’m pretty sure you aren’t supplying your friend with the three F’s (food, finance, and fornication), so you don’t have a place in her business.
Not your circus, not your monkeys!!! They will learn in time…
Stay the hell in your lane
You’re not the best friend you claim to be and if so I’d hate to be your enemy. You’re judgmental as hell. Not to mention a true best friend would know how to approach the situation and not have to ask a bunch of strangers for advice.
Do better!
Unless your a perfect parent…KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT UNLESS YOU’VE OFFERED TO HELP BABYSIT THEM!!!
Sounds like a whole lot of judging with offering no hands.
Have you been asked for this advice? Why do you feel the need to give it if not? All I know is is if my best friend wrote this shit I’d be disgusted. You know what my best friend does when he sees us struggling? He offers a damn hand. 
You’re not her friend. If this were truly an issue, you would’ve said something years ago. You’re a frenemie.
Heal and grow. Mama shaming is gross.
looks like you friend is struggling juggling family work ect… why dont you offer to help her out instead of being so judgement 
Whoa! You are about to tread in some very dangerous territory. Please think this over long and hard before you say anything because you are quite possibly going to destroy your friendship regardless of how gentle you are with your words. Just the sheer nature of people not taking too kindly to others telling them how to be a better parent is going to cause a problem immediately. If you feel the kids are in immanent danger, then by all means, risk the loss of friendship. The kids lives are more important. However, if you’re approaching her just because you don’t like the way she parents, as it’s not the way you would handle things, then I’d say butt out. Don’t ruin a 15 year friendship. This is definitely a very slippery slope for sure. Maybe instead of telling her how to parent better, offer to help her out from time to time. From what you wrote about her work schedule, sounds like she could really use it and I’m sure it would be greatly appreciated being though you’re a long time friend of hers.
How ever you choose to handle this situation, I pray that It all works out well for everyone. 
Honestly your concern has value. But no where in your description of this situation with your BFF have you said or asked her “is there anything I can do for you, can I help take the kids on a play day, can I take you/make a meal so you can rest?” Friends ask if they can help, not discuss with strangers how to help change your BFFs parenting.
None of your business
I think it’s great they get to be with their grandparents every night, it’s like being at home. 4 kids is challenging and expensive so she’s doing the best she can it sounds like.
Can you pay her bills for her so she can stay home and be the perfect Mom in your eyes? No?!? Then mind ya business and don’t judge how she has to juggle work and her kids as long as they are being cared for. I feel sorry for her having a “best friend” like you. I’m sure you’re perfect 
Kids be screaming for parental attention. Mention this and reduce work hours. They need mom and dad.
That’s sad and what a great friend you are for understanding the whole dynamic including the kids needs:heart: not sure how to go about this one but love and good vibes to you when you do so!
You need to decide which is more important… your friendship or How she is with her kids?
This hits home for me and shame on you. I work night shift 12 hour shifts I spend as much time with my kids as I can but you know what… they are loved and want for nothing have a roof over their heads and food in their mouths. I know I’m often judged like you are doing here and fu*k you. As a best friend you should be finding ways to offer support. Trust me you cant make me feel any worse than I already feel.
Girl don’t stressed over a problem that’s not yours, stay in your lane… she’s going to regret one day not spending time with her kids… i worked a 2nd shift and I felt like a bad mom even though I was spending time with them…
Maybe she’s tried to get a different shift and didn’t tell you… Maybe they need the pay increase that 3rd shift offers and doesn’t wanna tell you cause you will shame her… And how her kids act probably is because of the people who watch them during the day… Not her parenting, since well YOU KNOW SHE DOESN’T “Parent” THEM… But yes they probably should be for them more per day but making sure they have things they need is also providing for them… I would probably mention how the kids need time.with them but you don’t ever need to bring another parent down because you think their parenting is bad… I’m assuming you’re the world’s best mother??
It’s not the hours she works. Just sounds like she doesn’t want to parent. She works that shift so she doesn’t have to deal with them.
1st. Mind ya business
2nd. Night shift pays more
3rd. Are they working 7 days a week?
4th. Who are you to speak to anyone about their parenting!?
5th. Are the kids safe, loved and fed?
6th. People need to work
7th. Are you her accountant?
I’m not sure how to even go about it. If she’s complaining to you about the kids maybe offer a play date? Y’all hang while your kids hang? Try and ask her questions that may be helpful in getting you to ask about her spending more time/changing her schedule?
I can’t believe all of the “mind ya business” comments on this post. It’ll be your business if something happens w one of those kids, god forbid and you didn’t speak up. These are KIDS and the way they’ll function as adults is being taught now or maybe we should just repeat the cycle?!
I struggle with this same issue but with my sister, doesn’t matter what I say or what advice I have giving her over the years, in one ear out the other, now that kids are becoming teens and are so far gone she can’t handle anything and just pushes the issues under the rug. Prob best to not even waste your time saying anything unless she asks for your opinion and if you do give it that doesn’t mean she’ll follow your advice sadly
I bet you’re 1 of those non-parents who enjoy judging parents. You have no clue about the challenges involved. You aren’t her friend.
There are some parents that prefer it this way. Sad but true.
Why is it so important for you to say something to her about her parenting? If you don’t respect her and her choices why are you friends with her? How does this affect your day to day life?
In alot of cultures the whole family looks after the kids not just the parents… If they have a routine and loving grandparents then mind your own business.
Even if she worked 1st shift. She would still have to send them to daycare, go to work all day. Only spend an hour or two before they sleep, and still only get a couple hours out of the day. Unless you are paying her bills, expenses, ect. You stay in your lane. She is very fortunate enough that the kiddos spend quality time with grandparents and the parents have them for support.
If that’s what they want to do and someone is watching their children that’s up to them
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Mind your business and care about your own kids if you have any
Glad you’re not my best friend. Maybe you can offer to help her, judgy pants.
That isn’t all that different from any other working parent… most working parents have to send kids to daycarE or school get home and spend only about 2 hours with them before bedtime… idk what you are talking about. It wouldn’t matter what shift they worked it’s the world many people have to live in.
If you guys are really good friends you should be able to have any conversation.
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You don’t because it’s not your business. What you could do is offer to do more things with her and her kids together…
Stay out of it or just tell her
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Some people are just bad parents. Doesn’t like like it a shift thing. Sounds like they don’t want to be around the kids. Even on their day off they are dumping the kids elsewhere. If you feel the urge to say something then say it (but ask herself why are you saying something). Is it because you want better for the kids? Don’t come at her. But speak more to the fact that they kids need their parents. And if you have kids suggest play dates. Make it fun. And for everyone says it’s the same as any other shift. That is not even close to being true. Their shift is around 1030-8am. So picture this.
You kid go to school at8 they get home around 3ish. You pick them up spend a couple hours with them then take them to their grandparents. So you can take a nap before your night shift. 1st shift you work while they are at school. So you see them more. And if they are dropping them off even on their days off, they really aren’t seeing them at all, they wouldn’t have breakfast lunch or dinner together unless it was on their days off
With friends like this; who needs enemies? Lol
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not your place unfortunately unless you have a good enough relationship with her also depends how you think she will take it is she the type that can’t take feedback just be prepared
Everyone is a bad parent in the eyes of someone. If she’s your best friend and you are so concerned, do you ever offer a helping hand instead of judging?
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In my experience, there is only one motivation, and that is desire. No reasons or principle contain it or stand against it. Never stop believing in yourself.
When others doubt, don’t you. I never knew I could make such a huge amount of money with my little investment in Bitcoin, I’m so proud of Sir Joshua Bunker trading strategies and techniques. I’ll continue to invest under his mentorship and platform because God has used him to bless my home and my lovely family.
Unfortunately as far as job people take what they can get these days and overnight shifts pay more. At least they take the kids by grandma’s while at work. Unfortunately this day and age 1 income does not cut it. Having kids is exhausting especially while working full time, I have 3 kids and used to work 50-60 hr weeks, started early in the morning 1st shift, and no matter how much I wanted to enjoy my kids when I was off my body just wanted to sleep. Luckily I now have the luxury of running my business from home so it’s different…
I guess I say all that to say stop judging her everyone’s situation is different and if the kids are with grandma it doesn’t sound like they are in any actual danger…so I don’t really understand
I sincerely hope your friend sees this and drops you. You’re a terrible friend.
Here is where you should possibly take one giant step back and look at the entire situation from all perspectives rather than just yours.
It sounds like you’re making a lot of assumptions here based on what you would or would not do and that’s not entirely fair to your friend because she isn’t you and She doesn’t have your life.
Why do her and her husband work nights? Your assumption is because they don’t want to be with their kids.
Have you considered…3rd shift generally pays a differential that can be upwards of $1+ dollars per hour?
Have you considered that maybe these particular jobs are better paying but only have nights available?
Have you considered…maybe it’s easier to find reliable childcare from family at night when the kids are asleep and require less energy?
Have you stopped to think about how much time she would realistically get with her children working a “regular” day shift? Between work, travel, and sleep?
Kids’ behavior issues can have a lot of root causes. It’s easy to call your friend a “lazy” parent but you’d be amazed at the bad habits I’ve seen my oldest pick up, how fast he picked them up and the places he’s picked them up. I’m a stay at home mom and very involved 
That said, yes. Being home with him helped. I was able to consistently address the issue with my child.
However if I was working it probably would have been much more difficult.
If you really feel like you need to say something. Wait for the “right” moment and try a gentle approach. Like if she’s complaining about the kids doing something obnoxious try saying “maybe they just want more time with you and are trying to get your attention”
You don’t need to go into a tirade or put her on the spot.
Just a gentle nudge if you absolutely can’t resist
After my husband’s motorcycle wreck I worked 2 jobs and never saw my kids except on my days off and in passing. Bc I worked nights and graveyard.
I would get off work in time to take them to school.
I felt like a POS parent.
But without me working my kids wouldn’t have food, or a roof over their heads, clothes. Nothing!
So maybe don’t say anything… Bc u don’t know what’s going on and how she feels.
And as far as kids being bad. I have 5 still at home and my kids are bad kids. But let someone else tell me my kids are bad, more so a “friend” and momma bear will come out full fledged.
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Probably why her parents or his parents who ever grandparents are take them because they know she’s unfit to parent hence why she has a baby sitter some parents actually can’t do it and at least they work there ass off to make sure they are taken care of a lot of women do this these days and it should always have been that way. u have a male for a reason if he can’t handle kids then I hope family can step up while at home to help them through the younger hard years then when the hard years are over they will slow down and hopefully be ahead for working so much
Your post made me mad. As hell. Back off and mind your own damn business. So sick and tired of people thinking they have the right to tell someone else how to parent 
you are not her, her children are not yours, you have no idea how she feels personally and by opening your big unwanted mouth, how do you know you’re not about to push her over the edge!
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As someone who works Night Shift and has 3 kids. Please mind you’re business. You have no idea how exhausting working nights is.
You go about this by minding your business! TF?!? Why would it be your place to say anything?? BF or not, that’s her life and her kids, mind your business. You don’t like the kids, don’t be around them
If she doesn’t even want to spend time with them then saying anything to her will get nowhere. You cant force someone to want to parent.
You should just mind your business
Everyone parents differently which is what many need to understand. It’s not your place nor business to tell her how to raise her kids. You do you. Only thing you are responsible for is your own. If you don’t like the way her kids act, then just keep yours away. Unfortunately some have to work that much just to make ends meet. Not our place to judge.
How about you pay her bills? No? Ok then mind your business.
If you aren’t baby sitting or anything then that’s overstepping. The grandparents could say something maybe. But it sounds like the kids are in better hands with grandma if they’re insensitive parents.
Next time you’re around her and her kids and one starts acting out, find a natural way to mention your concern then …. No matter what, it’s a truth that won’t be pretty to say or hear. Make a pros and cons list. If the pros outweigh, do it. If the pros don’t outweigh, leave it alone. Either way it goes, there’s nothing wrong with thinking of those babies and what they deserve. Good luck to you both!
Dang, some of y’all are just plain rude with these comments!! Maybe her post isn’t “judgement”, it sounds like concern to me. Any good friend should be able to talk to you about your life, right? If I was falling short I’d want my friends to say something to me!
I used to have that schedule… Fuck it’s hard.
Then if your friendship is solid she should understand your coming from a good place. Sometimes things need to be said and if it breaks a friendship then it does.
This is sad. Feel terrible for the kids.
Let her be mad at you!
It’s not your place to say anything, I would personally end the friendship but I’f you don’t you’ll just have to get over it.
all the “mind your business and not your kids not your problem” is lame
tell her, be like - i gotta talk to you, with you having an open mind, and letting me speak freely, no interruptions. and if she says yes - just go from there.
get it out. some people really do need reality checks once or twice in their life!! say - i love you - but i hate the way you parent. (dont lie, be upfront.) i want to help you, and ask you what i can do, to help you.
make sure to throw in the 15yrs somewhere bc i know this isnt a judgmental post.
you are her friend. (these moms on here will eat you alive)
be easy, calm and straight forward. its honestly easier that way. especially for you.
make sure you know your not over stepping like everyone says, bc i know you love the kids too. its all for them. or else you wouldn’t have made this post.
and if she gets mad. she gets mad i guess.
i know i would appreciate my friend of 15yrs coming to me friend to friend with concerns she might have as long as she wasnt hostile about it.
some people DO not care - and some people are the most understanding amd accept others points of views.
not everyone is okay, or doing better than the next - and we just gott a accept the fact thst everyone does everything differently - even parenting
good luck
Do you have children of your own? Then take care of them and mind your own business. If you aren’t with her 24 hrs a day you don’t know how she takes care of her children.
Sounds like she needs a better friend.