How do I tell my husband's ex wife to politely get over herself?

GOOD LUCK! - as a fellow step parent who also has a 8y age gap- being the step parent to my son is hands down THE MOST DIFFICULT YET REWARDING BLESSING that God has rewarded me with! Honestly I just make sure my actions are in check bc at the end of the day I can only control ME and one day those babies will be adults and that’s when we will all answer for our petty decisions I want to make sure mine are worth defending - but believe me when I say I KNOW THE STRUGGLE - YOU ARE NOT ALONE - and I SEE YOU MAMA! Hang in there and just love the child and make sure to show yourself some grace :slightly_smiling_face:

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You’re the grown up here, sweetheart. You are doing just fine. Don’t let her drag you down to her level. Ignore it and enjoy your melded family.

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I’m dealing with the same ex issues with my fiance i have 2 kids from a previous he has 2 with his ex and we have 1 child together.his ex is younger too very immature and seems when she’s in a relationship crickets but when she’s single she starts her shit threatening me trying to break us up n I can’t say anything because they don’t have custody so if I say something to her she will threaten to leave with his daughters n he won’t file cause she’ll just up n leave anyways I respect her boundaries but she doesn’t with mine it’s so hard because she is younger she’s 30 and me and my fiance are 38 I love these girls like my own never yell at them or disrespect them but if they do something I tell their dad n they run to their mom n lie when I tell on them fueling her to flip on me she even went on Facebook and called my 2 kids psychos and told her daughters our baby was going to be born with a birth defect I’m sick of it I’m at the point where she Crosse a line I already told my fiance I’m defending myself it’s so hard co parenting with people like this but unfortunately we cannot stoop to their level of immaturity were grown the most you can do is stand your ground n tell her when she would like to speak like grown adults you can explain to her how u feel civilly if she can’t do that u tried my fiance ex can’t get over herself because she thinks she’s God’s gift to men but they all end up leaving her cause she’s bipolar and crazy.

All I can add is… you can’t fix stupid!! :joy::joy::joy:

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Ignore her and let him deal with her.

Maybe she wants to feel like he is the one making the effort for his child and not just his wife, because he is the one who made the child with her, not you. It’s not your effort to make.

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It’s pretty petty, you shouldn’t have to but for the sake of his and his child’s relationship you should step back and let him arrange it himself. While yes you are his wife and I see that you’re helping because dads busy, maybe dad needs to not be so busy and just take the ten minutes to make the plans. Could save a whole heap of drama if you just dust your hands of it and let him deal with it.

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Well if she want him she should have keep him but she did not so tall her to get over he salf and move on he is you now you can do it tall he to move on

She’s petty and immature. I would have told her off a long time ago. I’m so glad all our kids are grown and we don’t have to deal with his ex anymore.

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So why can’t your husband send her all the information? So that way you avoid all the headaches directed at yourself??? She seems very immature…

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you dont. u tell this dumb bitch off. and stop letting jer puss u off. just cause ur the ‘step mom’ doesn mean u are to let the biomom walk all over you. my sd bm acted similar towards me till i finally told that cunt off and out her in her place. told her to atop hilding her kid from seeing jer father just xause her relationship with her dad is shitty doesn mean she has to let her kid grow up with out her. her attitude changed so much after i told her off nd put her in her place.

People need to grow up its about the child not the new wife or husband weather they cheated or not a court order is a court order people should start being held accountable for breaking the court order then maybe last children would be hurt and drug through the mud of a parents stupidity.

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Have you and your spouse considered going for full custody. It seems you have lots of reasonable cause and proof? Unfortunately other than that you have to put up with the immaturity until the child is old enough to see it herself. Believe that day does come.

Your step kiddo will appreciate all your efforts in the long run! Sounds like maybe she’s still a lil salty about you. Hopefully your hubby knows how lucky he is to have someone as patient as you! I would have lost my marbles already, lol

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Do not even talk to her, leave her alone let him deal with her ,act as if she doesn’t exist but continue to be the mother that you have been to your stepdaughter

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I let them bury themselves. If you show your grown to the kids that rubs off on the kids. Period

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I tell my husband's ex wife to politely get over herself? - Mamas Uncut

honestly, it probably wont change so just ignore her and avoid her in private convos. Also feel free to do a group message between you and your husband with her or you , husband, lawyer and you. The more a lawyer is involved the less drama. I have learned that from my ex husband and my husbands ex wife.

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Simply put, let your husband be responsible for any and all communication/plans regarding his daughter. You just enjoy the benefits of having her present with your family. You didn’t marry that woman, don’t let her be your headache :purple_heart:

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IMO I think all communications should go through your husband and the biomom…:woman_shrugging: that’s how I handle things with my oldest.

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Tbh I don’t think you can. If she’s like this and the courts are already involved she is just a miserable person. I coparent with my ex and he has this one girlfriend that I wanted to strangle on a regular. I kept my mouth shut simply because she did treat my daughter well when he has her. But, I did make it known that if she took out any animosity she had for me on my daughter that I wouldn’t mind the charge. After I stated that, communication was civil. Coparenting is hard, the hardest thing I ever had to do. And, tbh, I don’t get how she can’t confirm either, she sound immature and dumb. I am sorry you gotta go thru this but I think all you can do is grin and bear it.

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I tried for a long time to have a coparent relationship but in some cases it’s truly not possible. Especially since it’s thru courts, let him do the talking and relieve yourself of that stress. Its the only thing that made me feel better. She will never change or stop being bitter.

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Unfortunately it sounds like you can’t… I had a similar issue with my mans ex… even though they do not have bio kids together he stepped up and acted as if those kids were his… the SECOND i got in the picture I was berated and verbally attacked on the daily by this woman… it sounds like the woman in your case has a superiority complex and won’t change

Honestly it doesn’t sound as if there is a nice way to say that. She sounds petty and it sounds like she’s going out of her way to make you feel uncomfortable. She should think about her child and what’s best for her. But if you already have the courts involved, just let them know what she’s doing

It won’t change anything. She has to want to change. But it never hurts you to express yourself kindly

I would stop communicating with her. It’s not your child. Let him be responsible for getting info to her and you just be a great bonus mom:)

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I refuse to deal with my exs wife frankly it’s not personnel but my kids dad refuses to talk to me text email any kind of way or see his kids or try to be in there lives at all so why in the world would I communicate with just her. My youngest with him is 10 hes only been married to this lady for 4 yrs maybe it’s not like she even really knows my kids. In your case though it sounds like shes jelly and being a petty.

Just have to ignore it. I deal with the same exact thing on a daily basis. It’s plain immaturity and jealousy with a mental problem in my opinion. That’s why I chose to completely remove myself from anything that has to do with her. She doesn’t allow the children to get close with me or our daughter anyway. And all it will do is stress you out until your ready to throw in the towel on everything. Let him deal with it and just remove all contact with her. And just enjoy the relationship with the child as much as you can. Because in the end all the kids grow up and find out who the real problem was.

Tell her to get over herself

It’s his headache, let him deal with all that.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do I tell my husband's ex wife to politely get over herself? - Mamas Uncut

Honestly you don’t. Just keep out of it, focus on the child. Everything is for the child. Let her mum continue to act like an arse its only hurting her.

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Honestly, just keep out of it. The child will eventually make their own decisions on who to call what, the child will realize all the wrong doings bio mom has done…

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Honestly, It’s not your business nor is it your place wife or not.
Yh you’re the wife she knows that. However, it’s his child if she wants to communicate with him and not you that’s ok. She didn’t have a child with you, if she does not want to have a relationship with you don’t force it. As long as she confirms with her baby daddy and acknowledge that she received the message and you guys get the child that’s what matters. Again it’s your husband but do not insert yourself into something that shouldn’t be affecting you.
Let him communicate with her.

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Wow that is as sad situation. Has the judge done anything at all to her for her contempt?

There’s nothing you can do. Just keep supporting your man and do your best. Can’t make people grow up. So you just gotta deal. Be grateful for your blessings that you’re not her and nothing like her.

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You can’t. She has unresolved issues. Do your best with all the kids and your husband. Mind was court and lawyer say to do. Then accept she won’t change in regards to you. Ever.

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Seems to me that you’re trying to have a relationship with her, that she doesn’t want to have. Not trying to sound harsh but help from behind the scenes. You’re invested in communication, that’s suppose to be had with your husband and her. Yes she’s very immature about the situation, but she has that right too. Let you husband handle it from here on out, it’s his child. Be the supportive “Bonus Mom” but this is a fight between your husband and her. He is the one that needs to put his foot done, not you!!!

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I feel for you . I have been in this situation and it is very draining . Keep doing what your doing , don’t lower yourself that is what she wants . To see you crack . It sucks but you hold your head high and be proud that you are not an immature twit .

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Her intention is to provoke you into a response. If you have not discovered Shahida Arabi with regard to Narcissistic Abuse, it will make you feel like your head is about to explode. “This!!!”

She is a lot more dangerous than she appears… 20 years from now his relationship with their child will be in tatters. She is definitely the a**, and it will be her undoing. I understand why you are doing what you’re doing. If it was safe, normal, it would be different. There’s a chance Dad is perpetuating or enabling it. He has a responsibility to protect you, himself and all three children. If she can lie, steal, attack your family, keep in mind that Lifetime is a multimillion $ operation on exactly this kind of jealous drama. She wants you to say something… I lived this. Don’t. But find an outlet to let it out.

Simple, hand all arrangements to her bio dad. When he gets tired of the BS, things will change. Right now he is allowing his ex to treat you poorly. Been there, done that, things really changed when I no longer was willing to make all the sacrifices.

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You’ve done all you can, hold your head up high mumma your doing great at supporting your family- the ex should sit on a cactus or 6

Feel free to address her as ex wife- petty but nothing a lawyer can sting you for x

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Because she won’t care what you have to say and because your husband needs to take responsibility and make arrangements and communicate ratherthanplacing you in a position to be disrespected. He is just as much at fault as the ex.

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Shes lucky and she should be blessed that she has a great step parent towards her child. Most kids dont get that!

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Speaking from experience there isn’t any nice way to say it. Saying something is just going to make it worse. Even if your hubs says something it won’t stop. The one thing I stood on was if she wasn’t going to be decent we weren’t going to have contact when she could be decent contact would resume. He could ask the judge for relief in certain area’s like the confirmation. He could deal with her himself but it seems like there is a reason you are. Other then that you just have to ride it out. Sadly sometimes it just part of being with someone that has kids.

From one step mom to another, you’re not doing anything wrong. But, your husband is the one who needs to set her straight. He needs to put a stop to her treating you so badly. He should be the one dealing with her, not you

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All communication through a parenting app! Have the order updated to say she has a certain amount of time to confirm and ignoring the messages is not allowed.

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You will never get her to be a grown up on this matter, don’t try. She’s a jealous and vindictive person who won’t get over it. Love the child, that’s all that matters, and as the child grows she too will realize what mom has been doing, and it won’t be pretty when she does.

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This reminds me of my in laws, mother n law is divorced and yet she tells stories about how my father n law is the bad guy after all these years. Similar situation per the stories I’ve heard. I think it just depends on the people and how they handle it. Obviously it’s harder then others.

Make sure you keep all text conversations as proof of her toxic attitude. Also, stay strong knowing that you’re in the right and don’t let her change who you are- respond appropriately but don’t react to her. Good luck!

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Didn’t read the whole thing but your entitled to have your own boundaries with everyone. The only thing you can control is your OWN actions

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I personally would get another phone tell her he has changed his number to that and then the step mum can use that saves messing around

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Its called happiness and they cannot stand to see other people being happy. As for doing anything else to sort things out don’t bother. Just get on with your life and ignore the other party.

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I would start sending to information to the new husband. If she is ignoring you then you ignore her and provide everything to him.

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She sounds afraid. Afraid of losing her daughter. Just try to keep on being loving and accepting, but if if gets dicey your husband needs to step in and set her straight

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I’d let a lawyer do all the contact with the mother if I had the money for it.

Some people never grow up, so out-adult her.

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If I split from my hubby I would probably be the same. This is his exwife he needs to be the person messaging and arranging and having any and all contact with his exwife.

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I’d be telling her that she needs to let go of any animosity towards you and your husband. That whatever happened between them is done and dusted. She will only inject her toxic behaviour directly into the daughter (already is). Trust me, my parents could never work together even after 20+ years and it screwed us all up in the end. Ultimately, she needs to stop acting like it’s about her when it’s not

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You’re doing everything right by the sound of it and there’s nothing else you can do. This woman will either grow up or she won’t, that’s the only way any change to the circumstances will occur. Hopefully she gets over her bitterness towards your husband and starts putting the child first and therefore set a good example of how to graciously navigate co-parenting. For your peace of mind though, maybe try to just accept this is the way things are and it’s not your fault, keep doing your best and be proud of yourself for handling things so well. Give yourself and this other woman compassion if you can tap into that because it is the most healing energy. Wishing you love and happiness.

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It’s obvious you and his ex will never be friends so put that aside and focus on the child. She is 11 so it won’t be long before she makes decisions on her own. Just keep a positive attitude towards her mother and she will eventually see that her mom is the problem. Good luck.

Yeah it sounds like you need to not be involved anymore. Just because you can have a certain co parenting relationship with your ex doesn’t mean you expect the same from his. You can’t force yourself to be accepted by people. Let your husband handle it and that’s it. Though you aren’t wrong put your pride aside and let his handle his ex and call it a day

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EDITED VERSION: Trust me just let go, and let your husband do what he wants in this situation. Call your step daughter, let her know you care. send gifts write journals to give to her when she’s 18. It’s not worth the fight between you all. If your step daughter wants you to pick her up , have her let her mom know, have your husband so set it up from there. Be there when you can, where she wants you in her life.

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There is definitely parental alienation tactics being used there. She sounds toxic.

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You’re not doing anything wrong but imo, all correspondence pertaining to the child should be done between mom and dad since it’s their child. This leaves you out of it and gives her no reason to be a b**** towards you.

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It’s been 9 years this B!*#H is obviously salty and immature. The fact that she hates you this much even though you treat her daughter with kindness shows you’re doing something she never could and that’s making her ex happy. Clearly she’s just showing you the most part of why they never worked out. She sounds awful and even though people here are saying that we’re only hearing one side of the story I can believe everything you’re saying! You are not the 1st stepmom or new gf/wife to go through this with the ex it’s like these so called women don’t grow up. She’s so jealous of you that she can’t see pass that as to what you’re doing for her daughter and how well you take care of her and do your part as a stepmother. It’s freaking sad that an innocent child is in the middle of her drama. Can’t you guys fight for full custody and she can get visitation? Can’t she (the child) choose where she wants to live? It’s horrible that people still act this way, kill her with kindness and just ignore her, pretend as if she doesn’t exist, don’t get into a back and fourth with her and just text/confirm whatever you need to from your husbands phone and do your part for the child. Don’t allow her stupidity to get to you, yes easier said than done but we learn to let go and let be. She’s not worth it at all, clearly she isn’t someone to be reasoned with so don’t waste your time. If she doesn’t follow through with plans or commitments drag her ass to court every single time. Email and text what needs to be said so you cover your ass about dates and confirmation messages so you have solid proof that if her number or email hasn’t changed she should have gotten either one or both.

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It won’t matter how nice you are she just wants to cause trouble. My husband’s ex was the same way. She did everything to make things difficult for us. Until your kids are grown and can make their own decisions she’ll be a pain. Sounds like she is trying to turn his daughter against both of you. We still go through that and my husband’s daughter is 35. Hang in there.

All I have to say is Hurt people, hurt people. Hope you look after yourself and do your best. Leave the rest to her and your husband.

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I think you should leave your husband to do everything concerning her daughter .Back off for your own peace of mind.

You don’t tell her. Have the attorney handle it. He can review and highlight from their divorce papers the stipulations that were agreed upon by both parties. If she continues to refuse get a judge to issue more clear guidelines to follow. Your husband should be the person to contact her in the event of any issues. You just follow what the court has ordered and document everything. It would seem to me that she clearly understands the importance of a bonus parent based on her actions so she definitely needs a gut check, you just have to be careful being the one to give that to her.

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Well tell you husband thank you for his service! I can only imagine how hard it is for him and you to be away from your other children. You both have sacrificed due to his job and for that alone you both are wonderful parents and human beings. Now I know that if she is in contempt you can change your custody agreement to specify that she needs to respond yes or no and that she has to speak to both of you. I have watched friends who were in the military without children and seen how hard it can be to even get time for themselves to shower or sleep so she shouldnt be messaging him for this stuff out of respect for his job. He should say something to her but I don’t think that would make a difference. So your best bet is to get her respecting you and talking to you with respect written into the custody agreement. Sounds petty but it takes that for some people. Also eventually the judge will get tired of the contempt hearings that he will end up telling the mom to knock her shit off.

Sounds like she is just a petty jealous insecure and immature bi@#h. She is using the child to get back at the dad. It will blow up in her face at some point. Although its hard you are doing the right thing. Ignore her attempts to bait up into a confrontation (which could be blown out of context and used against you in court) continue to be the mature person here. You are still a role model for this young girl whether you realize it or not.

It’s been 9 years and she still acts this way. Chances are, at this point, it’s just who she is. Keeping taking the high road, kids grow up and learn who is who.

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There’s nothing you can do.
She sounds like a piece of shit!!
Keep being supportive of your daughter and husband, she’ll grow to see her mum for who she really is in her own time.
She sounds like a woman scorned who is very jealous and manipulative.

Been through similar and there’s nothing you can do but hope she will see the light eventually. Keep track of everything for court purposes. Maybe she will come around eventually once she realizes it’s easier that way. But if she doesn’t the daughter will eventually see through her drama and BS. She will see who is doing the right things and who is causing the trouble.

My husband has this problem with his ex except she has enabled for his daughter to not see him. We pay her a wild amount of money each month. 9 years married and I’m still that woman. They was divorced when I met him. His older sons are now 21 (twins) and they come to see us but don’t tell her to save the dramas. He hasn’t seen his 13 Yr old now for 2 years and she supports her saying no ( even by ex own admission he’s never done anything wrong).
My own boys haven’t seen thier dad since 2017 which for them is a good thing as he’s a gas lighting narcissistic so n so…
Your a good step momma. Tell your husband to be the one dealing with his ex to remove you from the situation - it’s not fair on you. His ex is never going to grow up im afraid

Then let it be between your husband and his ex defer it all to him they have the divorce agreement let them sort it

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If I was you would buy the daughter a phone ring the daughter and get her to ask her mum and get the daughter to relay the answer saves the bullshit and that way the daughter knows what’s happening too.I wouldn’t bother saying anything to the mum you’ve been above her this long with putting the child first be polite hopefully she grows up eventually

Keep being the bigger better person for the sake of the daughter. Arguing with the ex will be a never ending battle where the only one to suffer will be the child. Kudos to you for going over and beyond without losing your temper. Can’t say I’d be able to hold my tongue…

Unfortunate that you are having this issue but today children are not the same as when you grew up my advice is to read as much as you. Can on the children of this generation as well sit down with your spouse see if you can get on the same page as children grow up these day pier pressure is another link to the problem if that doesn’t work maybe the adult should think about sitting down and discussing the problem at great length to find a solution if that doesn’t work after sitting down with your spouse alone after wards sitting down with parent involved if that doesn’t work as a group last but least you need counseling for answers good luck hope as adults you reach a solution of not it is a lost for all parties involved

Maybe you need to separate yourself from her, dont do pickups, dont do messaging, dont do anything with her, your hubby should be the one to deal with this immature woman not you, let it go and stay away, may mean less visits but thats life, she will grow up, then her mum wont have a say

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Unfortunately, this is the downside to blended families. In a perfect world, you’d all get along and coparent with mindset, “the kids come first.” Do your part, suck it up when you need to deal with her, and keep your side of the street clean. Your daughter will be grateful to you in the future.

The absolute best strategy is to NOT REACT. Keep doing the right things, no matter what. Keep ALL your communication simple, cordial, necessary. Imagine if it were to be published on the front page of the paper. Biomom is immature. It isn’t your job, nor can you change her. Do your best. It will stand you in good stead over the long haul. It will bug her that she cannot provoke you with her mean girl antics. Your husband needs to do the same. The important relationships are between you adults and the kids. Model perfection. Remember, healthy people don’t act like that, happy people don’t. Practice compassion. Dad can clearly state expectations to daughter, love her, understand she is a kid acting out.

Two words: Group text. Include all the moms and dads, current spouses, ex spouses, whomever. That way everyone can see where the problem lies. Keep copies of everything.

You can’t control other people’s actions but you can control your actions n attitudes. Be you n there is no easy answer

she’s jealous. nothing more, nothing less. i feel for ya!

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You sound like a wonderful, mature person…theyre lucky to have you.

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Group message and if she gets off and message your husband out of group chat have him just reply in group every time that everyone is following the court order on the group chat only not one on one.

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You could point out to her that the more people who love her child the better.

keep everything you send her all the emails that way it will help if have to go back to court

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Be blunt and to the point.

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And your husband? He needs to handle her, not you. He should not allow her to treat you that way.

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You could easily be talking about my husband’s ex!!! :flushed:. Is it the same woman??!!??!!

You and your husband should file for full custody and use all the documentation you have

If she upsets you then she wins so something has to change will need to be your husband to give her the attention she needs that’s what she’s looking for and all this can be solved by taking the child to be picked up at a police station or child welfare department where they document clearly what she doesn’t doesn’t do she may take them seriously if not you… The privilege of dealing with you should be taken away from her in the future.

Geez that was a long read but here it is simple. You don’t tell her, your husband does. Tell him to put his big boy pants in and go and talk to her, she being unreasonable because he is allowing her too

There’s a stages of break ups and one of those is acceptance to move on and look for another direction of her life.she need to accept the fate

Yr story sounds like u are the best thing since slice bread but I am sure somewhere arong the story u are giving her coconut drops

Document all her behaviour and next court case get it on record… There is a reason your husband and her are no longer together and I’m sure can see why… Don’t focus on her, focus on the daughter, have as little to do with her, don’t try to communicate unless it’s essential, you can not change how she is but you can change your response to her…

I just tell her shut the f up. You all being so nice she is a ex . Get her out of your life just deal with the kids like we do . The ex knows not to mess with me I want be bullied.

It is your husbands responsibility to get this under control.