What can I do to fix this? I’m going back to work and I’m not going to keep doing everything! I’m wore out!? How do I figure out a way to maintain my sanity.
My fiance and I have a soon to be 4 yr old, 2 year old and 3 month old. In the beginning I worked (nursing home) he was a stay at home dad.. Then I got pregnant with our last one and got put on bed rest due to complications so he had to go to work (construction) I just had a bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy done 4 days ago. First couple of days I was really hurting. But now I'm pretty much back and at it. I go back to work on the 23rd. I cook, clean (bathroom, bedrooms kitchen laundry everything dishes multiple times a day ) take care of all 3 kids. And him. While trying to find time for myself. Which I NEVER get. And I need! I'm type 2 manic bipolar. He either 1 gets to frustrated with kids calls me every 2 minutes or 2 starts an argument so he can "have time to cool down" and leave. I feel like he doesn't help with anything and if he does I have to hear about it for weeks. He doesn't ask me how my day is going because "he already knows." Keep in mind he works 3rd shift. He gets home around 730am goes to bed around 9am ("his wind down after work) gets up @ 5:45. Shower. Eats. Packs his lunch. Chills(wind down b4 his shift)(if he does do anything he completely half asses it because he's in a hurry he's gotta get to work) on weekends he invites everybody over has a cookout. And I get stuck cleaning up the mess. I have the kids all day and night and have to do EVERYTHING in and out the house yard work, appts etc! I'm wore out. Everytime I mention it to him it's the same thing. " your a stay at home mom. That's what ur sposed to do" or it's "I'm tired I work all the time"
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Me being me because I’m petty I would stop doing things. If he wants to get mad about it then just say “I’m working too” I don’t know why men seem to think being a stay at home mom is so easy, especially when he was doing it before while you were working. Maybe he needs to switch shifts at work, that way it can be a more “normal” house in which both of you will be home for dinner time, etc. You guys will have more time to talk that way
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do we balance the work in our relationship?
Make him grow up and take more responsibility or leave,you are pretty much doing it alone anyway!
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That’s just sad. I’m a stay at home mom and my husband works 12 hour days 5a-5p 3 days on and 1 day off and then 3 days on and then 7 days off. He does just as much as I do if not more. He even helps with our 9 month old if he starts crying on days he works even tho he has to wake up at 3:30 am. I’d say tell him to step up or get out. You’re basically already a single mom!
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Can his parents or your parents hand you help? I can only imagine how tough it is with 3 kids… I’m already exhausted by the end of the day just with one child. Being a parent is extremely hard. It takes so much patience with kiddos. I’ve had the same issue with my ex husband. I was a stay at home mom for 2 years and he thinks my life is so easy Because i don’t bring home any money. Just me caring for our special needs daughter everyday. But with my current partner, i never heard no complaints. I just need to tell him or ask him and he’ll do anything… i guess your husband doesn’t like taking care of children and do house hold chores. But he gotta help you. You need to tell him.
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Tell him if he doesn’t pull his weight you will get a house keeper for the inside and a landscaper to keep the outside in shape or higher a teenager to mow your lawn and cut some bushes.
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Welcome to motherhood as a single parent. You wrote it all out now re read it.
What would you tell someone? Would you tell her to toughen up? Keep her chin Up? No you would think why in the hell are you taking crap like that and why would you stay? Your not married no ring no vows and 3 kids with a Man that has you back to work days after surgery you say? No think of the kids lives later on. Will he go to their games there school functions. Oh hell no your with a BOY not a responsible Father of 3.
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Wow what a lame. Just quit doing. Clean up your messes and the kids and don’t do his laundry. Leave the mess from the cook out. Eventually he will get the point you are done being his slave
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Maam… You’re a single parent to 4. 3 kids and a man child. Leavs
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Do for you and kids leave his. Then you’ll know. You don’t need that. He’s living his life and you’re expected to clean up . Don’t. Take kids and go somewhere for a while don’t do anything but have fun . Let him wonder. You’ll know. He’s not worth it.
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I had the same problem with my ex-husband. I left him and my life actually improved. Not having to take care of that extra adult child was weight lifted off of my shoulders.
Hopefully, you can talk to your partner and things will get better. If not, prepare yourself to do it alone.
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Seems like you have 4 kids… I think you already know what needs to be done.
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What’s always worked for me in the past is whatever needs to be done, whoever it bothers the most does it. First thing I’d do is stop washing his clothes, dishes, and the mess left behind people he invited over. Just leave it undone and focus taking care of you and the kids. When he doesn’t have any clean clothes to wear or dishes to eat off of, he’ll get the picture. Stick to it. Don’t let him coerce you into doing for him. He’s a grown man. He can pick up after himself, and he made those babies too, so he can step up and be a father and help take care of them. If not, like I said, budget your time by doing only those tasks that are highest priority for you and the kids to be comfortable and leave the rest undone and let it pile up. When he’s bothered enough by it, he’ll start doing stuff.
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So many folk easy to judge… anyone thought he might be struggling too? They’ve had alot going on and sounds like they both need help and support…if thats family or hired then so be it! Dont jump on the bloke cause he’s struggling with coping/reactions/how to help…most men would back off
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Hire a housekeeper +someone to do the yardwork .
Tell him he has to pay someone else now to help you.
Watch his tune change,or you’ll be lucky enough for the extra help to continue.
It’s a win win either way you look at it.
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When my husband gets off work it’s all hands on deck. He helps with any and everything.
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Does he ever do anything nice or helpful? If not you won’t really be any worse off as a single mom. Good luck!
Been their I also blew my back out during the delivery of my last son so needless to say I feel your pain 
I can promise you this the days will get easier !!! They will I promise!! Mine are now 8 5 and 4 and it’s so much easier then when they are in diapers ect I always found just going to the grocery store for even a couple mins was just enough to catch my breath but that being said going back to work is a big change he either picks up some slack once you start working or you tell him straight up !!! If I have to do everything and you refuse to help ect you can leave and all just collect you checks for child support since that’s all this is 
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Give him walking papers. You are doing it all. Tell him to kiss ur ass good bye and go find a real man
To quote a line from one of my favorite, they’re his damn kids too…
Take his money and get u a house keeper and yard person then he might want to help
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Yeah thats a big Fuck That from me. I’m exhausted just reading it.
Man don’t work don’t eat so what he work there life after work 3 baby’s need Dad also I wouldn’t do it either help or iam out and he can keep the kids no for real he can keep them 
Don’t cook or clean up after him, don’t do his laundry.
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My husband was the same way. I stayed for 8 years. Then I told him if I was being treated like a single mom I was going to be one. He still isn’t involved with our kids who are 12 and 17. Even cancelled last month for coming to see our son on his 12th bday. My current husband is the exact opposite. We had a baby 8 weeks ago at 34 weeks and he was in the hospital every day after working 10 to 14 hours in construction and having 5 kids at home. I had thought maybe my ex would grow up but he is in his mid 40s.
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Okay, kinda the same boat, my husband works and pays the bills and I do everything else. It’s been that way since we had our first 7 years ago and I hardly complain because it works for us. (I also homeschool which makes things a little harder but I manage and it’s not like he can do it, he’s gone 12hrs a day). As I said, this works, for us. Obviously not everyone is okay with this dynamic.
My question: your man has already been a stay at home parent. What gives? He should know how hard it can get and know he’s gonna need to step up when you start working. My advice is to work out a schedule. I get working 3rd shift can make your days a bit wonky but is he planning on sleeping while you work? Who’s gonna watch the kids? You can’t do everything when you get home.
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Put your foot down… Hire some help
Leave him with the kids and turn off your phone. Deal with how he feels about it after you get some alone time.
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Sit down with him and write down everything that needs to be done daily, weekly and monthly. Mark down who is going to be responsible for each of those things . Write down absolutely everything. Even pick up and drop of kids to and from day care.
Stick to it and make sure he knows that he is accountable for whatever his name is assigned to. Make it clear that you need him to be a partner, not a burden and there are two adults who made this family and share the home and there are two adults that work. If he invites people over, he is expected to do the work for the company, this includes cooking and cleaning. If you do, then it is your responsibility. If you both do, you share the responsibility.
You have to be very clear that this is just the way it’s going to be if he wants to keep his marriage strong and happy.
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You said he was the stay at home dad at one point. Did he take care of everything when you were at work. Is the shoe on the other foot now or did you help out when you got home from work? If you helped out you need to remind him of that. Then the two of you need to set a plan.
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Hire a babysitter so you can have some yoy time or hire a mothers helper.
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You can’t fix it. You’ve unwittingly entered into the arrangement and allowed it this long… his personality and character traits will not change.
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If this is something that you feel very strongly about then I feel like the best thing you can do is talk to him about it.
There has to be a way for you guys to come to a compromise on this. Maybe you can agree on days or times of the day where you get your much needed alone time/TLC.
You could also put up a whiteboard and create a calendar where you can see all the chores that need to be done and swap them around and distribute them in a way that makes both of you feel comfortable.
If he is difficult to approach with things like this you can start out by telling him that you realize he works hard, you love him, you’re proud of him etc and then explain that you’re struggling and you’re not angry with him but you need some more help/time for yourself.
If you try all of that and you’re as nice as you can be and he still wants to butt heads with you….then to me that sounds like a man that doesn’t care. If he really and sincerely loves you he will want to make a change.
If it comes to that you have to decide if you can live with things the way they are or not.
He sounds lazy. Stop doing yard work first of all. He should be doing that. Don’t do everything and see what happens. He needs to step up.
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Quit. You’re starting a job, and quitting the old one. He doesn’t like it - tough cookies. Let them destroy the house, and mind your business.
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Been going through this for almost 8 years. Tables have turned now though. I work full time. He quit his job months ago. And I’m getting kicked out. Fun isn’t it? Our men don’t want to do anything then call us lazy. I got so stressed out and now have chronic urticaria for two months and needed help but nope…his solution is to get rid of me.
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I have zero advice but im sending good thoughts your way. I literally went through this and didnt get help until i tried to kill myself. I was so overworked i thought they would do better without my nagging. Your doing a wonderful job and i hope something goes your way.
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It never changes been doing the same thing for 32 years and I work full time!
You waited too long!
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Go out mamma, take a day for yourself every week. Pick either Saturday or Sunday. That day get ready and say ok I’m off for a couple hours see ya later and leave the house. He’s there father and seen as he was a stay at home dad he obviously knows how to look after and tend to his children. Don’t let him stop you, get in your car and go. Put your phone on silent mamma go and relax, get a coffee take a walk do whatever you wanna do and relax and refill yourself so you can be the amazing mamma you are.
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First let me say this, I know your struggle 
I’m a young mother of 5 and it definitely is hard. Second, appreciation is key. Show him how much you appreciate the things he DOES do and I swear more things will follow. It goes a long way. Hang in there
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Before you go back to work sit down with him and divide the household chores. That way it is clear beforehand what is expected.
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Leave the mess. And let him see all that you do. Maybe he’ll double think about how he is with you?
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Sometimes I wish I could live the life of a man. Women do way too much.
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Iv been going through this almost 10 years. My hubby and I are currently discussing a divorce. There are mental issues and physical disabilities involved but over the years we have had the same issues ur asking about. Iv worked and done it all. He’s worked and iv still done it all. He currently pays all the bills but neither of us work and I’m still stuck doing everything and he wonders why it isn’t working. When 1 or both partners isn’t happy nothing will work. its about give and take and when someone just takes and isn’t willing 2 give it really puts a strain on everyone involved. Goodluck my advice is if ur going 2 do it on ur own cut the dead weight and be on ur own. If all he’s willing 2 do is be a financial help then u don’t need the added stress of having 2 take care of him too.
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My husband and I had a sit down discussion with out the kids around and I just flat out said that I was hiring a cleaner to come in just once a month to clean the bathrooms. My anxiety is horrible when my house is a mess and it has helped so much. I work full time, he works full time, we home school 2/3 of our kids. It has really been a great thing.
Your husband sounds like real piece of work…I did this with my ex fiance he had 5 kids 3clived with us I had 2 kids, I worked 3 jobs 1 full time the other 2 were part time…he worked 3rd shift also I did EVERYTHING just like u kids, housewework, yard work all of it. It got to the point where I basicaly told him u either get off your arse & start helping or I’m leaving he chose not to help so 3 months later I was gone ( moved out ) yes it was scary & most definitely hard but alot easier on me cause I only had me & my kids to worry about. Then after I moved he had to do it all by himself he begged me to come back & I said hell no. Been 16 yrs since I left him & have been happy ever since…put your foot down & tell him he either helps or gets out
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Just because you’re a stay at home mom doesn’t mean you have to do everything! Men like that piss me the F off. He should be helping you even though he works you didn’t make the kids on your own and he lives in that house too so he should HELP out!! You need to sit him down and tell him exactly how you are feeling in my opinion you are better off being a single mom!
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Yeah. I don’t know how to offer advice or an opinion. Being unhappy, and exhausted isn’t going to help anyone. If y’all can’t be a team, it isn’t worth it. And, stay at home mom’s deserve just as much respect, appreciation, consideration and love, as a working person does. If he can’t see that, just leave. If he won’t listen to you and want to fix things, leave.
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Hii im also dealing the same problem like you. What i did to keep my sanity was only focusing what the kids and i need. I would do the kids n mine only laundry/cleanup/meals everything. His are his, yours are yours. I do this, as long as my kids are ok, full, satisfied then im happy. Dont do extra for him. Let him learn that he needs to do his part in the family also.
And when he does his cook out, dont clean up after him. He needs to learn n know that you need proper rest n help with the housework also. You rest n enjoy your time with your kids. Let your kids understand that youre tired n needs rest. Teach them to be considerate of you. Its hard at first but you need to remind them again n again. N involve your eldest in helping you with housework - just the ones you think your eldest can do 
…
Just do your thing. Enjoy your time. Dont worry about his mess. Spend more time with your kids. Let him clean up after himself. You rest n keep yourself loved n happy.
He doesnt care? Its okay, just ignore him. He’ll come around. Remember youre not a maid, youre the lady of your house. Teach him to respect you. Dont ask him, show him he needs to respect you and help around the house too.
Theres no need to fight/exchange harsh words, just show him.
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When you start work, don’t clean. Take care of the kids, but leave him to the rest.
He is doing it wrong!! We have 4 kids. He works full-time and I am the home maker. I do it all!! But he takes care of the cars and yard ect… he steps in when he’s not to tired and helps with dinner or hangs with the kids. It’s about balance!! It has to be.
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Let the lawn grow out, leave the dirty dishes in the sink he will eventually cave in. 
Tell him you have a mandatory work meeting and go take some time for yourself. White lies never hurt anyone.
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He’s a dick you deserve better. You’re parenting alone. I’d divorce his ass. Get alimony. That’s all he’s doing for you right now anyway. “Supporting” you , but you work too so that’s not even all him either. Might as well leave his ass and be happy and maybe meet someone in the future who is a team player. Good luck.
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PRIORITIES!!! I’m a single mother of four and work full time. The house can be a mess sometimes. The kids won’t die of they skip a bath. Dinner can be cereal sometimes. If he doesn’t like ot he can do something about it.
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I’m divorced for this same reason.
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Sit him down tell him like a strong woman what you told us. If he understands what you are saying … awesome!! If he doesn’t, then you stop. Keep being mom, of course but for him… let him make his own dinner & wash his own underwear. Don’t say anything. Just don’t do anything.
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Tell him to kick rocks and get out all he is as a paycheck for you,You don’t have time to spend with each other sounds like obviously he never spends time with the kids because in your words he has to whine down and lay down etc. what good is he to u except for a paycheck??He needs to get on the same shift as you both two equal amount of work that’s only fair or three continues like this what good is he honestly!!!
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Sit with him, tell him lets have a serious talk. N just talk about how you want him to help n do his duties n let him talk as well listen to him. Let everything out. If it helps write those points down, i know that when people r going through so much, their words tend to betray them a lil, so having a list of things written would help. AND after that if he continues to be an azzhole then…
U already sound like an amazing sigle mum to me
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Dealing with exactly this. My husband went out with friends tonight and just came home at 4am…wouldn’t answer his phone, I had to call the place he was at to make sure he wasn’t in a ditch somewhere. I’m grateful to be home and be able to focus on school but even when we were both working full time I was still the 24/7 caregiver, cleaner, chauffeur, and taking classes.
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When he was a stay at home dad did you also have to come home from work and clean etc?
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Hire a maid/cleaner and get her to provide a bill a list for all that she does with the price then do the same with a childminder/nanny and show him the receipts so he’s aware how much it all costs for a whole month if he had to pay for that as it is work and what you are doing for free. Also tell him that it took both of you to create those children and he is not your employer nor are you a single parent. I would also not clean up after his cookouts and say it was your idea I have enough to do. You are not his unpaid maid or nanny and I would say to him that you are considering leaving him if things don’t change and you are shown respect as you do everything on your own anyway followed by “I am more than just your child’s Mother and have been put on Earth to do more than just clean up after everyone else and be taken for granted.” Also for a little while stop doing all the things you do in the house let the laundry pile up, don’t do the dishes, don’t mow the lawn, don’t cook his dinner and when he has to do all that after coming home from work like you do as you work too his attitude should change. People only treat us how we allow them to treat us.
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Where are u based hun x
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do we balance the work in our relationship?
Do it alone and be happy or together amd miserable…as for his friends over every weekend…sounds as if he needs to grow up!
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Since your going back to work and won’t be a sahm anymore doesn’t that mean y’all will split it?? That’s what I’d be telling him anyways after he said all that mess… or I’d leave his mess and half the kids everyday till he cleans it up.
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Marriage counseling is imperative. There is a lot of relationship work to be done here but it is worth it for everyone’s sake but more especially for hour children. They deserve a happy and well functioning family-and that is not what you have, presently!!
Don’t get married to the pos
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I’ve been there… if you’re doing everything with him it’s better to do it without him… if you’re not happy your kids will pick up on this and will think this is acceptable behavior… its not… a relationship has to be 50/50. You help each other with everything and support each other. If your children see you as a "subservient " then they’ll expect every woman to be that way
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Communication is key. If you can sit down and establish a schedule where you each have days where you are responsible for home/kid things that way you don’t hold resentment towards each other. If he’s not willing to have some sense of balance then idk what else you can do.
And I don’t think a relationship is ever 50/50 someone will always be doing more but that should bounce back and forth throughout the stages of your marriage/partnership.
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Tell to take the slack or he can take the road. You already do everything and are miserable, do it alone and be happy!
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Let him know that he can go to his friends house(s) on the weekend. Warn him, that if they show up at your place, YOU will walk out…alone. They can take care of the kids and clean up their own mess. Then schedule yourself a spa day with your mom or bestie.
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Sounds like you have 4 children honey
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When you are tired and don’t get everything done how does he act?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do we balance the work in our relationship?
I haven’t been with my husband very long. We have 2 kids, 1 1/2 and 2 month old. I go back to work on the 23rd as well. My husband also works construction and I make him handle the kids when he gets home and have him help split the chores. He would throw the stay at home mom thing at me and I have to remind him that I won’t be forever. He has good days and bad days with it. Come Monday he’s gonna be in for a rude awakening because I’m not going to have everything done or set out to cook or help because I’ll be working. Sometimes men just need to wake up and have something thrown at them. If it doesn’t work out or he gets mad about it then he’s a child and you should move on.
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I worked 3rd shift but I never let this happen, sounds like he’s taking advantage of you, I suggest once you start working to talk with him and let him know that there isn’t a reason he can’t help since you are both now working, so house chores will have to be split between. If he objects then just clean up after yourself and the kids and let him be forced to clean up after himself. That’s what I would do at least.
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He’s being totally unfair. I would draw up a list of responsibilities for you both. Ask him when exactly is your wind down time.
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My man works thirds. We have 4 kids. On days where I’m exhausted, he takes them to school and usually cooks our toddler breakfast and takes care of baby so I can sleep in a little. He gets home at 7:30 and goes to sleep at 9/10 after helping with the little ones/letting me sleep. He then gets up at 3 so we can spend some time together before picking up our big kids from practice at 5:15. He cooks, I clean up. We share responsibility of our children. If he needs a break, I give him one. If I need a break, he gives me one. I’m a stay at home mom as well and we STILL split the work load of home.
There is no excuse for your husband to act that way. Yall need a serious heart to heart. He helped make those babies, he can step up and help care for them as well. If he’s “tired all the time” toss him an energy drink and say “sorry bout your luck, but I need help today. Dishes are ready to be washed.”
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My question is if you’re already overwhelmed why keep having kids? Birth control, use some.
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A man that does nothing, well think about it???
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Stay at home parents get the heavy end of everything. That’s their job …so did he do everything when he was staying home ?
Talk to him…maybe he wants to be the worker while you stay home
If thats the case you have to give him your expectations…help with the kids , do the yard on days off …see if you can both make it easier on each other.
Life as it is cant go on…you have to tell him exactly how you feel in words of two syllables… because even clever men can be really thick sometimes
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Go to a counselor
GET ME OFF THIS SITE!
Chore sheet. Everything. Plus schedule with kids daily. Initial all you do in a week. Show him.
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Drop the dead weight, him.
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If you do it all already, be single. Better to have 3 underage to care for than to have 1 adult acting like a kid to care for PLUS the 3 kids.
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Get out of the relationship. Don’t marry him it’s not going to change.
You might as well be a single parent.
Don’t do it all. If he complains - tell him you quit - he can either help or hire someone to clean the house and do the yard work. When he invites people over for a bbq - take the kids and go to a movie - or something. Let him deal with it.
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Just. Get. Pissed and. Tell. Him. How. U. Really. Feel
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And you decided to fornicate with him, why?
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Clean the disshes and clothes of your children and yours, leave his and don’t touch
Start an argument with him storm out so you can cool down but when you storm out do not take your phone and do not keep it on him and them kids will live and then come back hours later when you rested, if you don’t want to do that then leave him because he is not going to change yours absolutely nothing you can do to make them change.
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Girl what I do is just do what you can without running yourself ragged and if messes start piling up then they do… you can’t do it all. I focus on our basic needs (clean clothes, food, etc) I clean the house and do dishes once a week on sat or sunday and just try to keep up with trash, laundry and other things in between. I have let bags of trash pile up till he finally takes them out… I have never not worked full time except the 4 weeks I took off after having a c section.
Chore list n refuse to clean up after him especially when he has a cook out.
Been there, did that…ended in divorce. He’s not going to change, if you want to be married to this person, you’ve got to just suck it up. You might be happier when the children are older, less work and can help you… bless you♡
Tell him to get off his ass and help take care of what he created. If he says no hire someone to help and give him the bill. I think he will start helping after paying a few times. When you go back to work is he going to say the same thing??? FIX IT NOW!!! You got on the computer to tell everyone…use your mouth and spell it out for him. Don’t sit there bitching and think that will help…use your mouth. You been together long enough to make 3 babies I think you should know each other by now.
Stop doing it. OR do the exact same thing hw does. Half ass it all the time…mind you the kids is what you tend with BUT the cleaning HIS shit dont do. Dont do his clothes dont do the yard work dont do anything that the “man” is supposed to do or clean up anything of his. You work clean yours and the kids clothes and clean yours and the kids messes but leave all his shit for him.
For all the years you work and he was the stay home dad did he do everything you are doing? Or did you have to come home and do things in the home as well. For him to have the attitude that you are the stay home parent thats your job is crazy because you both had the children. When you go back to work where will the kids be? Weekends when he is off I would have plans made to not be home. Stop allowing him to do nothing.
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