How do you manage co-parenting when parents have differing views? I share custody of my two older children with my ex-husband; we have very different beliefs, religious, political, etc. I am trying to raise my children to be caring, loving accepting, and understanding human beings. The problem is that their father has some really offensive ideas about people based on their race, religious beliefs that differ from his own, political standpoints, and sexual orientation. When I try to talk to my kids about how we shouldn’t judge or treat someone like they are less than human based on their lives or beliefs, they often tell me that their dad says I am trying to brainwash them. I try not to bring up politics around them because it oftentimes turns into an argument. I have told them that they should do their own research and not just repeat things they hear other people say… It’s hard for me not to engage when they say something that is racist or homophobic; I usually try to point out how those things are wrong and why they are wrong, but it always escalates into an argument. They have made some comments about how dad won’t love them or will disown them if they don’t believe the way that he does. He has even gone so far as to purchase political hats and shirts and has let them wear them to school. This has caused issues for them with their peers at school. I feel so helpless, and I don’t know what to do or how to engage with them in a way that is positive and healthy during these conversations because they will start calling me or other people names. I am so so afraid they will grow up and carry these ideas around with them.
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Encourage them to really get to know someone before having kids with them. Expose them to positivity.
The fact that it is affecting their social lives and and mentally they feel they have to follow his beliefs or their dad will disown them is enough for me to head to court. If you don’t already, time to get a court order in place and have it stated he is not to discuss adult topics with the children. That’s how i would handle that.
You need to nip this in the bud and fast! I’d stop the children from seeing their father because he isn’t being a good role model to them. I wouldnt want that sort of person around my children. I’d tell the ex until he can set an example to his children then he can no longer see them.
It’s not easy. My husband is not as extreme as this, but we differ on many different issues, especially politically. I always chime in when I hear him saying things that I disagree with. I just encourage my daughters to look at sources of where information is coming from (like listening to experts in their field) and to be wary of extreme language (always, never, ALL —— think…). My girls are smart enough to decipher information, even at their young age and tend to not bring up certain topics around him 
Get rid of the old man. He sounds like it his way or the highway. He should have more sense than that.
Enforcing extremist beliefs and behaviours in children is abuse, and by definition, radicalisation. I’d take it straight up with dad and put a stop to it, and if he won’t listen to reason remove custodial rights 
Talk to the dad and if he won’t listen tell him he has 2 choices disown his kids and never speak to them again or to get his head out of his ass and let your kids decide things for themselves.
Therapy honey…and honestly i would record conversations with the kids and get the therapy court ordered. Bc telling them he will not love them or disown them is abuse.
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Do any of these people who need advice ever stop and get to know the people they’re getting pregnant by …? Cause WHEW! If a partner don’t see eye to eye with me on topics like race, sexuality and religion, it’s a NO from me and I sure as shit don’t want to reproduce with that.
Why would you have kids with someone you’re not compatible with?? This situation is your own fault and you’ll just have to deal with the sorry choices that you made.
You can’t change the way he parents, all you can do is let them witness you being a good human being and not try to push them to agree with your way and not push them to disagree with their dad. It’s hard, I share custody with someone who has different views than me, not as extreme but I know if my boy sees me being a good human and sees me happy… he will know. When the kids are older, they’ll see what’s actually right or wrong
I would be stopping my children from seeing this creature…he is manipulating them and that is abuse…
Tell your kids there are different sides to everything. You want show them some different views to allow them to make up their own minds, the best ways to make decisions, etc. This lets them learn and grow in their own way. And keeps you off the hook with him. No way to win with him, so do your best for the kids and yourself.
Encourage them to be their own person. They don’t have to comply with other’s beliefs to be loved- if they do that is wrong. Tell them every day they are loved, they are worthy and what they think matters, encourage them to be able to stand alone in their beliefs if need be because it may not always be the same as popular opinion.
This is a really challenging situation to have to go through. Do your children go to counseling? That may be an option. It is really saddening that they feel if they live by their own belief system their dad wont love. Which tells me they dont truly believe everything he believes but would rather do what he says and be what he wants them to be so they dont have to face the consequences if they choose differently. Being that your ex sounds like completely narcissistic, and he is literally manipulating and brainwashing them is concerning. These learned behaviors will have a major impact on their future relationships with themselves and others.
Lead by example. Do not allow racism in your home and explain why.
Kind of contradictory isn’t it?
There’s actual a bill of rights for children can be helpful for co-parenting I mean I’m not sure how helpful because my ex and I co-parenting really well. Speak to a lawyer who knows he may be doing more damage to them and so maybe he should have less time with them.
Put you and your children into therapy. This puts your concerns into light with your therapist. This also gives the children someone to talk to if they choose to open up.
Ask your kids how they would like it if ppl assumed negative things about them based solely on their looks.
When they make those kinds of comments, tell them that kind of talk is now allowed in your home. Stand your ground and dont back down just because it may upset them.
Instead of being judgemental…why doesn’t the “family” seek a compromise with parenting. Having a family means everyone has their own views. And if you’re children end up being hard working caring and kind as they grow up… then no one loses 
The good news is that they see you each for exactly who you are when they grow up. Keep saying your truth and don’t put their father down. They will figure it all out………
Told my son different house different rules. When he started being bullyish I told him he was and that’s now how you treat a friend. He is seeing what is right and wrong and I still have to correct him at times.
She already has kids with this guy so wth is the point of asking her about why she had kids with him? That has nothing to do with the subject and is frankly nobody’s business. Attention seekers.
Have you reversed it on them and ask them
How they feel about blk ppl being killed for the color of skin…and how they shld give ppl
Same respect they want for their views-
Therapy.
This means they have someone who isn’t influenced by you or your ex that they can talk to and hear things from.
Should’ve thought of that before you had kids with him. Smh
Have frank and honest discussions about things like this with your kids. Make it clear that these discussions will not ever become arguments, no raised voices, no name calling, point out where they are wrong and admit anytime they have a good point. Also, has he said that he won’t love them if they don’t agree with him? Some therapy is a good idea.
Therapy, Therapy, Therapy!!
Look up Colloboratative Problem Solving - Mass Genral Hospital
Have patience. They will figure it out when they become adults. Just remind them that karma really does exist.
Their attitude will determine their altitude. You are the woman in your house. Your rules stand predominant in your home. Do not allow anything that you opposes through your door and in your home.
Do not try to indoctrinate them either.
I have four grown children who would oppose some of my parenting skills. Now as adults I have heard them saying things like . ^Mommy would not do that.^
“I am happy for the way my mom grew me. I am not an idiot.”
The good book says."Train up a child in the way he should grow and when he is old he will not depart from it.’
With God be a good mother and lead by example.
There is no perfect Parent and if they have nothing nice to say don’t say it at all because if somebody said that to them they wouldn’t like it so they have to put themselves in somebody else’s shoes and just Correct them the way you want to correct them When they’re with you so they can know right from wrong And don’t take it so personal you’ll always be mom I’m sure they love you
Probably shpuld of talked about that before having kids ??
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I feel like it is your job as a mother to not raise assholes. If you hear them saying something racist or homophobic you need to put a stop to that REEEEEAAAAALL quick. Also, kids should not go to school wearing political gear. YUCK. Your ex sounds like a loser.
If “Dad” really will disown them because they aren’t racist or homophobic like him then you need to explain to them about how that in and of itself is wrong and brainwashing. It may also be time to separate from “Dad” as well.
You can’t control your ex, but you can make it clear to your children that there are certain behaviors that will not be tolerated in your house or in your presence.
Go to court and get it court ordered to where they’re not allowed to wear anything political to school.
They’re young anyway and have no business wearing that kind of stuff to school. Im assuming young if they arent sure what’s right and not yet when it comes to all of that. Especially if it has caused issues for them I’m sure the judge will let you have your way with that. During one of y’alls meditations just get that done.
You can not coparent with someone like this. You will have to parallel parent
Try to get them understand how the other person might feel. How would they feel to be judged based of their skin color. Do you know anyone whose gay or of another race that would be willing to sit down with them and have a conversation with them and explain their hardships because of people not believing in equal rights.
Thankfully my husband and I agree on all of that. I feel like this is a question put out there to start a political debate. I’m waiting for it 
Keep talking to them momma.you are doing a good job. Tell the kids they dont have to wear politacal shirts or hats if they dont want to. Tell ex let children be children. Maybe get a family counselor.sounds like their dad probably wouldnt attend but it would still benifit kids.kids are so smart .
With anyone influencing your kids, all you can do is speak your truth and ideas and opinions, and allow your children to form their own opinions. You can set rules about how they speak and act in your home until they are 18.
Your ex is a narcissist who believes racism is right when it isn’t n it’s purely disgusting imo n if he keeps trying to push his views on his kids that’s mental n emotional abuse n you can go to court n try n get a judge to listen to u n if kids are old enough have the judge speak to them (hopefully it isn’t a judge who is like your ex tho n agrees with racism) but you can also let cps know too cause well like I said it’s emotional and mental abuse with what he’s doing.
There’s a lot of it about. Toxic induced confusion.
Having a strong sense of gender that matches your gender is really important. Children today feel more passive than we did.
Nothing happens without Boron.
Feeling like a man requires all salts and meals with gender appropriate elements, this is explained in Macrobiotics.
Modern agriculture uses pesticides that bind to ground salts, the ones the body uses for its glandular production feedback
chemistry(Boron will correctly level gender hormones in Men and Woman, because we need both sex hormones balanced in us).
Women will not notice these elements effecting their behaviour, but men become weak and inactive(he should be able to go from dawn till dusk).
It’s a Yin Yang thing, and yes, I have helped guide people back to heterosexualality through simple supplements and corporate food stuff avoidance.
M
I’ve experienced this, just not necessarily with race. I just do what I can to share my beliefs, and teach my kids about compassion and kindness, and as they age, I can see they are learning. I’ll never stop sharing my opinions, and explaining my actions and my feelings. Trying not to cut down the other parent is the tricky part. I refuse to talk poorly to the kids about their dad, but instead show them examples of how things can be hurtful, and how to change those things.
Yeah, my son said the n word ONCE. Trust and believe he never said it again. Your job as a mother is to raise good people. Racists and homophobic people aren’t good people.
Also document what they’re saying and bring it to court.
Could you put them in therapy and see how that goes? They then have a place where they can talk about everything and how their dad’s makes them feel when they don’t be mini hims. Then you can have everything documented for court if needed
I DEAL WITH THE SAME THING!!! My Ex says the N word around our daughter. She came home one day from his house and asked “mommy, what’s a N word” but actually said the word. I nearly fell over! We teach love in our house. It literally kills me that he says that around her. I just make sure that we address those questions and just teach her to be a good human.
I would encourage the kids to be kind and loving. Ask how they want people with different views to treat them. Would they want to be hated or made fun of because of their beliefs? Stress the “golden rule”. Unfortunately, we can’t control what other people believe but we can control what we allow in OUR houses. They’ll see right from wrong
My ex and I have the same beliefs ect. His wife on the other hand is totally opposite of us. Which makes it hard. He does back her on some things just to keep piece and I ignore just to keep piece. We don’t encourage our kids to think like us. We want them to choose for themselves. He makes for good convo and learning. My kids are very excepting of others. The are not members of the LGBTQ community but they have friends who are and they will stand with them. They have many friends of different races and they stand with them. They don’t have many political views. They hate politics. Just don’t encourage them either way. If dad is that type it’s a losing battle.
Can’t do much about your ex being a shitty person but you can lay down the law at your house, no hate speech. Eventually your kids will see what kind of a person he is.
They are their own people and can believe in what they want to. If they are old enough to argue they are old enough to make up their own minds.
Eventually they will decide for themselves what they want, their views will be their own
I deal with the same thing except it’s my husband, not my ex. I try my best to educate my children and raise them up to be inclusive of everyone no matter their race or sexual orientation. We had lessons on pride month and Juneteenth, etc. I work so hard to teach them manners and often have people in public comment on how polite they are. However my husband says I’m raising them to be “pssies” and “not to teach them that sht, I won’t have no gay kids” For some context, we’re smack dab in the middle of the Bible Belt and the group of guys he worked/works with is AWFUL. They have a group chat and share some things you or I would find realllly offensive but they’re so desensitized to it. Sometimes It feels like all my effort educating my children is for nothing because he just counter parents me every step of the way and undoes all my hard work in 10 seconds with what he says. Our conversations in private about my issues with his insensitive ideas don’t do much good; unfortunately when you share a child with someone it’s not just your views or beliefs that matter no matter how much you disagree with theirs he has just as much right to talk to them about what he believes as you do. Luckily our children are young enough to where they don’t really pay attention to the things he says, but that window is closing. All I can do is keep educating them and telling them daddy doesn’t always say very nice things about people and that’s HIS opinion. And I know what you’re all going to say, so please no rude comments, I’m just trying to show the OP it’s a lot more common than they think. He’s a wonderful dad, but he’s definitely a product of his environment and has some very backward and offensive views. I’ll never stop trying to teach my children to do better. OP your ex sounds like a narcissist with control issues that’s projecting onto your children. Him and my husband both need a lesson on understanding that we don’t get to control our children’s beliefs when they reach and age of maturity where they can make their own informed decisions. All we can do is give them the information and let them come to their own conclusion. Threatening to “kick them out and disown them” only teaches them they cannot be themselves and only hold value if they believe like dad and that makes for a shallow relationship. They should be told they’re going to be loved and accepted no matter what, even if mom or dad disagrees. Just make sure they know you’ll always be there mama. 
you’re doing good.
You can only coach them when you’re with them… they are going to grow up and have their own beliefs. Unfortunately the people they hang out with are going to help them make thos decisions also… we can do what we feel is best while they are with us and hopefully they grow up and have their heads on 
we can’t tell our Exs how to parent Unfortunately 
What makes your ideas “right” and your husbands “wrong”…
Keep on teaching that hate is bad . People are different. You can’t fix stupid. I have very strong beliefs on religion and politics but my 8 grown children have their own views some we agree some we don’t. The key is to teach them not to judge. Part of the problem today in society is that when people disagree with someone else someone always gets in their feelings hurt… Their was a time when you could conversate and discuss and debate without feelings coming into play but not anymore
You have a dilema you helped create, people with extremist politiical and religous rarely are recent converts, odds are you overlooked that behavior when you got together and had kids, now you’ve got a hard mess, unless he does something abusive your stuck sharing children till they’re raised and all you can do is make sure when on your side of the fence its a healthy, respectful, non koolaid drinking enviornment
All you can do is keep encouraging them to think for themselves while being respectful, and that doesn’t include being hateful towards anyone or anything
How old are these kids? I encourage my teenagers to have their own beliefs and think for theirselves. It sounds like you are doing that so that’s all you can do really. HOWEVER, they would absolutely not be calling me or anyone else names or making racist or homophobic comments in my house. You CAN put your foot down there.
Please don’t let that discourage you from being a good person. Lead by example and have a positive mindset. You may think they don’t see it, but they do. It’s hard trying to please 2 parents in 2 different houses. Maybe instead of mentioning why it’s not morally correct to say certain things, maybe give a look and just say we talked about this. That way it’s short and sweet and doesn’t come off as nagging. Although, there’s no way I would tolerate anything racist or homophobic in my house and I’d put my foot down on those terms. Big hugs mama. 
You keep being you and your beautiful self.
I’d document it, to show he is the one who has these ideas and beliefs, incase one if the kids end up doing something bad at school, id also let them know and get them to talk to him about it, but at their dad’s, his actions are out of your control, if they day something mean, just simply ask how they would feel if them or their friends were treated badly, that there is two options in life, to be kind to others, or to be mean. That its ok to be different, but its not ok to bully or be mean to anyone.
Hugs. Your not alone in that fight. You just hope your kids are smart enough to see what’s right💛
And that may take time. As kids our dads are heroes.
Continue teaching them to love unconditionally. That’s it. What is love to you? What is your vision of love. Don’t tell them their father is wrong because they will automatically feel defensive. Hopefully they can engage with people from different cultures and backgrounds so that they will see there is nothing wrong with accepting different people. Just continue to live your lives and accept all different walks of life. I always tell my kids, “you have eyes, you have ears”
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there are two sides to every story. i would kind of like to hear his side to.
You should have discussed this before you married him, or had children. There’s no way to change him now. If he was this way before you got married you knew how he felt about things so it’s either divorce a or put up with it.
Well they are already carrying the ideas with them…. This behavior is learned. To bad dad can’t allow them to grow up developing their own thoughts… 
praying for you and your children
I would show them scripture from the bible to back up what you believe and are telling them. That way it’s God’s word and not yours.
We are all children of our parents learning from everything even their absence.
Teach them strength doesn’t have to be attached to cruelty.
You can love your father and still hold fast in the face of an authority figure who may find something about your very existence objectionable.
I feel sorrow for the parent who throws away their kid .
They usually live to regret it
You do your household, he does his. Simple.
They may end up with your views. I have found that no matter what we teach our children, they do and believe their own ways. Just keep being a praying mama.
Biblically based beliefs are always the best.
I went thru this with my ex. And I kept as positive an attitude with my kids about school, people, religion, despite my ex always telling them horrible things about the world around them. And they made up their own minds and realized their father was not a nice person. As they hit their teens, life with friends and school was very important to them,they saw their dad less and less…but always included me in their various milestones…it’s harder to be nice and respectful to a negative bitter person that always trying to control…
Just continue to speak God’s truth into your childrens lives. Pray against any spirit of confusion or deceit they may be hearing elsewhere. Show them how to love by being an example of love to everyone. That is more powerful than you think. Train up a child in the way he should go and when he is old he will not depart from it.
I had an ex like this. His son agrees with his ignorant views too.
Do you, be the example you want your kids to be. Consistency, time. And dont forget to forgive yourself along the way.
That father is doing some thing wrong hope he never regret that point of view
His behaviour is almost like he is radicalising his own children to be as awful as possible, he sounds like a bully and that’s awful 
. X
Maybe you should engage a counselor to mediate your children’s formation of biases toward others.
In a perfect world values should be shared before baby comes. But this post will hopefully help others to not make the same mistake. I am very aware that babies usually aren’t planned and this can be the result
For all the single people in the house, these topics of discussion should take place before you marry someone and have children. Be wise. Save yourself and any children you have the heartache of this situation. Know who you are marrying and choose wisely. It matters. Just saying.
I would love to know what they said that she considers “racist or homophobic” because those terms are so loosely thrown around these days it’s hard to tell if that’s really what they were.
A couple should always make sure they are on the same page regarding morals and the like before they decide to bring children into the relationship. This is why reproductive responsibility is SO important!
All you can do is instill morals and values that resonate with your kids. They will sort it all out as they reach adulthood. Kids aren’t stupid. They often recognize what’s right and what’s wrong with their parents. Just stay the course.
Depends on their age…they will figure out their own views…keep pushing for them to research things to question things. Teach them love and acceptance and hope for the best…if he beliefs are truly dangerous (like he believes that gay people should be sent to camps or that people should be killed bc od their race or who they love then I would seek counseling for the children.) Reassure them that teaching them to think for themselves is not brainwashing.
Keep telling them what you believe and give them credit for being able to decide when they are grown. Children are much more perceptive than you realize. All his talk will work against him in the end. Threats don’t make anyone love you.
The difficulty here is that discord forces kids to choose sides out of loyalty. Talk only about how you see it without criticizing or evaluating his. Tell them they need both points of view to be fair. Then pray. They will choose as they wish. If you are oppositional they’ll be forced to choose out of loyalty.
Some people cannot co-parent. Explain to your kids that you will not stop being you and teach them your values. They will figure it out. Try not to argue with them. Just state your truth and leave it at that.
while in normal conversation or in a contextual situation you come across with the kids, I would just ask them basic questions to see where their opinions actually fall in the spectrum of belief without them knowing . If you see an episode of racism, ask do “you think all white people should be considered better than all black people just because of the color of their skin?” and tell them that how they feel and act is important. let them know that above all, you want them to be kind. feel free to share how you feel. if their dad doesn’t like it, oh well. don’t even bring him into the equation. Also, the hats and t shirts will self correct when they see how people react to them. If you aren’t able to talk to their dad and come to some middle ground, the only option is really to just keep being your kind, inclusive self and hope they follow your lead because it looks like the right thing to do.
These are the kinds of things you talk about before you get married.
Same problem except my girls were raised mostly by me so it’s too late for dad to push his hate. Because of his and most of his family’s idiodic views, my kids hate visiting him. Don’t let him make them terrible people. He’s ruining them. Get full custody and raise them not to be horrible beings.
Sounds like dad probably just taught them that no one is oppressed in 2021, that marriage is between a man and a woman, and men can’t be women. Oh the horror. 