How do you cope with losing a parent that is still alive? I’m a 29-year-old mother. My own mother has given me a hard time in my whole life. I was her only child when she met and married her current husband. He came along with his children, and ever since then, I have been pushed to the back burner. As I grew out of my childhood and into my teen years, her dislike for me seemed to grow. I spent a lot of my time with my grandmother, and she seemed to resent them for caring for me. My mother has gone months and years without speaking to me. Sometimes the step kids reach out and try to make things right, but she does things to me that hurt me. I speak up and tell her how she makes me feel, and then she abandons me again. Most recently, she was there for the birth of my last child. I went through a hard time soon after and asked her for her advice, and she just said she’s tired of my drama… My mother, tired of me… She proceeded to ignore me; she goes through my ex (that she HATED) to see my daughter but ignores my other two children… This has been going on for two straight years now. Is this normal? What should I do? What can I do, or is it healthy for me just to let her go? Is she jealous of me? (Her husband isn’t faithful and hates me too because I’m a product of my dad) … Help, I can’t handle the broken heart any more
Honestly cut ALL ties with her you dont need that type of drama and headache in your life nor does ur children…
Cute off my biological father about 8 years ago best thing I have ever done. You are mourning the relationship you want not the one you have and it’s okay. Grieve like you would a death.
Cut all ties ur better off without her x
Sometimes it’s best just to end a toxic relationship. And just know it’s not the current relationship you miss. It’s the relationship you wish you had.
Consider her dead to you and your children in my opinion. Family doesn’t get a free pass to treat you like shit.
You don’t need toxic assholes in your life, my partner ditched his dead beat parents because that’s what they are. And they will never know our kids and that’s just the way I like it
Love her from a distance. No need to put yourself through the rejection over and over. Spend time with those who show love and care for you.
My mother has treated me this way my entire life.
For your sake, for your new decade in life and in 2020s, it may be time to let her go. You have your family you created with your children and your SO. I’m going through a letting go process and it’s not easy 
28yrs old
Unfortunately it happens. I have had the same issue all my life with my mother. Two years ago I decided that enough was enough and stopped reaching out and trying to please her. She to goes through my ex to see my oldest whom she also hated. She has not seen my youngest in 2 years. My life and mental health is 1000000× better than it ever has been. My advice. Let that toxic relationship go.
Unfortunately this happens far to often. Its time for you to just move on and worry about the family you created.
Stop talking to her. Not hard to figure out.
I’m 35 and raised by my great aunt and uncle. My mom has always been immature and has said some nasty things to my sisters and myself. She’s never been there for us, even tho we’ve tried to have a relationship with her. We all have up as she is drama. It’s hard, but it’s what’s best for us and our mental health.
If you lived close to me i would adopt you…im really sorry but it is what it is you cant make ppl care or love you sadly
You aren’t responsible for your mother’s mental health. It sounds like she has some serious issues. Pray for her, maybe someday she’ll find the strength to seek counseling
Some times you just gotta say goodbye. Trust me it’s for the best. Toxic people have no room in your life. Don’t take away the happiness of your life if she is gonna take it away.your kids don’t deserve that.
Cut ties with my bio father years ago. Best thing I done for me. I don’t need him or his petty wife’s high school drama.
Say R.I.P, bury her in your mind and move on, hang out with people that make you happy.
Daughters Recovering from Toxic Family Relationships with The Undone Mama
You need to cut off all ties and live a happy life and dont let you babies see her either .
This sounds like me. You have what is called a toxic person in your life and need to get rid of them. The stress it puts on you currently will be lifted once you cut ties. I know I went through a lot of shit getting to that point (physically, mentally and financially). The worst is hpw you feel you treat your mother (who doesnt care unfortunately).
No this isn’t normal and you would think she would have grown up by now 
I’m sorry this is happening and I know it’s gotta be hard but just know you have to do what’s right for you and if that means cutting her out of your life and the kids then so be it what does your gut say?
My mother was like this and I tried everything to get her to want to be in my life. After I had kids I didn’t want her in and out of their lives, and hurting them like she hurt me. So I cut her out. Blocked her, actually my entire family. And I’m still sad about it but I’m doing better than I was when I was trying. In the long run it has better for me to cut her out. Sounds like you should too.
Get rid of the toxic people in your life.
This is my life. PM me if you need to talk. I definitely need to talk about it too.
Family is sometimes the most toxic people around you…dismiss her and move on. Sounds harsh but you have to get your peace and it’s clear she’s not going to help you get it.
This has been my whole life with my dad … I finally let go and once I did thats when I began to heal…
Walk away & move on was the best thing I done it’s bn nearly 2 years now my so called mother meet a new guy which is controlling he changed her she used to be the most caring mother unto she meet him. She hurt my 4 children in a big way emontionly & tore their little hearts it took pain on my family for me to realise how evil she had turned. She even turn my so called father away from me with her lies even though they ain’t together. It was hard to start with but things have been so much better without my mother & father in my life.
Let it go for now. They may change, may not. Time will tell. I have had similar things go on in my life.
That is soo sad! I’m soo sry💔. I say the healthiest thing for u is to cut her off. I wouldn’t let her have a relationship with any of ur kids either. Just don’t feel like she should be able to enjoy a part of u but treat u like crap. Hope everything gets better w.e u decide.
She sounds toxic. Mom or not, cut her out of your life.
Let her go and move on
Honey wipe your tears and move on. She did. Paryers for you.
My mother was always horrible too. At 31 I’ve finally just cut her out altogether. It’s for the best and I’m much more at peace without her constantly bringing me down. Just let go hun.
My parents betrayed me and hurt me more than I could ever describe. That was a little over 3 years ago. Since I have had ZERO contact with them and if I can help it I never will again! Before they did the things they did there was a lot of other things throughout my life that they did to hurt me and I forgave them over and over again. The last thing they did is unforgivable.It still hurts but not as bad as it used to. Like all things it gets better with time. IT IS OKAY TO REMOVE TOXIC PEOPLE FROM YOUR LIFE!!! No matter who they are. My life is much better without them in it, yours will be too.
the fact that my father is who he is. and has done what he has done was enough for me. no effort on top of that majority of my life (as far as memory serves me)
the amount of anger i have was enough for me to just not care.
I’m sorry you’re having a hard time ans hope you find happiness within things other than your mother.
good luck girl
I haven’t talked to my own mother in almost 12 years. The first year is the hardest. Today I know it has been the best thing o could have ever done. She has only met my 2 oldest. My youngest is almost 11 and she has never met her.
I havent talked to my dad in almost 3 yrs. Growing up i was daddy’s little girl. But once he got a girlfriend it was all about her kids and grandkids. I called him out for not supporting his granddaughter and coming to watch her during her ballet recital. But will do and go places with his girlfriends grandkids. Lets just say. None of his grandkids have anything to do with him. Ive had my days where i miss him. But then i think about how he treated me and his grandkids. It gets easier with time. Especially when you have no contact with them what so ever
I can’t imagine not having my mom in my life but I’ve been through a situation like that with my dad. He told me when I was 14 that he paid my mom to get an abortion but she didn’t. That was the last time I spoke to him, it’s hard not having a parent in your life who’s alive. I personally still think about him and about trying somehow get him to love me… but it’ll never happen, maybe when he’s old and maybe when she’s old they’ll change. I realized going to therapy helped a lot.
Let her go and don’t feel bad about it and keep all your kids away from her if she cant treat them all the same then she don’t need to be around any of them live your life and you and the kids be Happy
Just let her sorry ass go on down the road
I don’t know what to tell you but give it to GOD
let her go change your number delete her off Facebook etc. if she comes knocking on your door don’t answer or shut door on her face. Don’t communicate with step siblings just cut the whole family out completely and start over with your children that’s your family now. Trust me it will hurt for a while but soon you will not give a fuck. Don’t give in if she try’s to come into your life again. Don’t even tell her anymore how she makes you feel it makes you look weak. She knows what she’s done now lose all communication and any way she can see how you are doing and cut her out your life and move on like she doesn’t exist anymore.
Be done cut that toxic from your life
I pretend mine is dead lol. My mother is an abusive sack of shit. The less I think of her, the happier I am.
It’s called boundaries, dear! I cut my birth unit from my life seven years ago. I can finally breathe without our her hatefulness. I’m in my 60s. Don’t take it as long as I did!!
I am about 10 years older then me and my mother is toxic too. I take my mom in sections one minute I can be fine and get a long with her and the next minute I have to stop contact for a while with her. I dont do toxic anymore. And i refuse to fight over the bs anymore. I hope you find peace whatever you decide.
Your mom sounds like a narcissist and narcissists never change…cut your losses now and get her out of your life. You will be much happier
This is definitely NOT normal, and mother or not, you should not force yourself to deal with someone who treats you this way.
I know that when it comes to family, alot of us put up with more than we should because “it’s family”… but the fact that ignores two of your children would be enough for me cut ties. Hurt me all you want, don’t you dare hurt my babies.
I’m sorry that you are dealing with this, and I hope your healing process starts soon. 
let her go. Some people aren’t cut out for parenting. Not your fault, but don’t let it be your problem
R u sure we ain’t sisters? Cause my mother hates me too. Lol. Iv always been the black sheep and we always fighting. So I finally gave up. Lost all ties to her and my family. And ukw?? It’s the best decision IV ever made. U live and learn. No drama is the best life u can live. And if it means cutting her off…then so be it!! It’ll hurt yes!! But u will soon get over it and realize that is was best for u and ur family!!
You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make it drink… just make sure you don’t make the same mistakes she did learn from it and be better for it
I went through a similar situation with my dad. I wrote him a really long letter just laying out how I felt and told him that if it continued that way I would no longer have him in my life or my children’s lives. I was prepared to follow through as well. It worked and we have had a better relationship since. I was ready to have him out of our lives though. So if it hadn’t changed I would have. Sometimes it’s best.
I haven’t seen or talked to my parents since 1994 and I’m doing just great without them . They never had anything to do with my older children that are 38, 37and 35. I’ve remarried and have 4 more children that they have never met and they are 19 , 18, 16 and 12. All my Children did fine without them. And then a couple of years ago they both passed away within a year of each other
It is absolutely healthy for you to distance yourself and let her go completely. Then if its within your means you should talk to a therapist. My bio father isnt in my life and while I have negative feelings about it I was much angrier when he was in my life. You are far more likely to heal over time if you aren’t subjected to that kind of treatment over and over again.
Therapy to learn to cope with the loss.
Don’t see her and don’t let the kids see her.
Be happy. Leave. Her lost not your, dont sit on the edge of the bed and say where did I lose 10 years of my life, I’ll tell you. You spent 10 years chasing a grain of sand in the Pacific Ocean. You’ll never find happiness trying
Sweetheart love yourself enough to let go. The pain is outrageous but worth the inner peace and self love.
Mines the opposite. My 18 year old daughter. Very hurtful. But blames me.
Cut her off for your mental health. Tell the ex you would like him to stop giving her access to your child or get it court ordered. No this is not normal at all and you’ll never know why she is the way she is get counseling to help you accept that she wont ever be who you want her to be. I know it hurts but she isnt a mother or person worth having around.
You need to leave her to her bullshit and live your life, my mother and I had the same relationship, nothing I did was good enough and she made my life a live hell, until she died a year ago in feb. a weight was lifted off me that I’ve been carrying for 56 years. Sweet heart live your life and don’t waste it like I did trying!!! Life is too short.
I just get over it because it’s not healthy for me or my family.
Well coming from a messed up home myself I wrote off all my parents basically I rarely contact my mother unless she wants to speak to me. My mother has told me if she didn’t have to talk to me she wouldn’t I’m too much drama for her lmao I’m like mom I literally work and go home. I don’t do much at all. Whatever. My mother can not keep friends she doesn’t like many people and she is always angry at someone. My mother spends more time with her one step child tho she has three one is gay so she turned her husband on him because she is homophobic and a hates gay people which to me is disgusting. And she constantly complains about her husbands ex wife. Who she has no reason to hate. She has caused issues in my life so I keep her at a distance. My father is the worst tho I cut him and his family off and will never regret it he was never there for me anyways. I created my own family. Friends parents have adopted me and I even found my own surrogate mom when I was homeless when I was younger. You will not regret it. Tho sometimes it sucks. Not going to lie I get jealous of my bf whose parents seem to love him a lot and want to be involved in his life. But hey I got benefits too I don’t have to be around people who make me uncomfortable:)
She’s a jealous, unhealthy fool and u need to find a way and the help to flush this toxic shit out of your and your children’s life before she hurts and poisons ur children as she has u
Distance yourself and dont look back. I’d be afraid for her to have any influence on my children as well. Put your energy into loving yourself and your children. Dont waste any more time worrying about it. Dont give her any power over you.
Wow, this is very sad. I’m sorry for what you’re going through. This is not normal at all. There’s something more to this that your mother is not telling you. I would keep distance from her for your own mental health. What she’s doing is not healthy.
Let GO… .and let God do what he do best! If she does not want a relationship with you, move on. Sometimes we have to let go of the toxic, negative energy in our lives, weather it be family or friends. Pray and ask God to guide you, and be still and listen to his advise for you. Be strong…THE BEST IS YET TO COME, sweetie.
My father and I have been dead to each other for the last 7, almost 8 years…since my daughter was 3 months old. We’ve seen each other since then, had one christmas get together for them to spend with my daughter, and it just kept going down hill. Last December 23rd, my step mother’s birthday, they showed up at my work, saying they wanted to be in my daughters life, but wouldn’t be in mine unless I got a divorce. That was a hard no from me. Yes, I want a divorce from my husband, but I will not do it just because that’s the stipulation to be a barely functional family with them. I haven’t spoke to them since, and I won’t ever again.
Your mother has a personality disorder
There is nothing wrong with you…just move on or continue the heartbreak…make sure your kids never feel the way you do…find peace without her…
This is what you can choose to do
- Be the daughter you would want to have , regardless of her actions.
- Be the mom you would want to have , regardless of the example you have been shown .
- Stay true to your gut instinct and do your best each day for you and your family.
- Be sure to find joy each day no matter how big or small and always shine your light !
- If you screw it up today remember tomorrow is a new day and do your best again . Somedays will be hard and sometimes not so much but as you age and your family ages you will have more peace. Age does a numbers on your body but its fabulous for your peace of mind if you follow these steps .
I cut all ties with my mother in 2014 and moved away. I talk to my brothers and sisters but have nothing to do with her. My life is a lit more peaceful. And she will never meet my kids!!! I do not want that toxic person in my life!
Honestly, therapy and realizing none of their behavior(s) have anything to do with you - and, it’s not your fault. You cannot ‘fix’ them or the situation.
They are broken - for whatever reason - and to be healthy you need to move on. You’re a Mom now so concentrate on your family. Your family is what matters. Pour your love into them. Hope this helps. My heart breaks for you!!
You are making way too much of this. Live your life, find people and activities in your life that make you happy and move on. If you keep lingering on what should be of this relationship, you will just keep making yourself miserable. We can think a lot of things in life should be a certain way and they just won’t be because that life.
Don’t let her opinion of you define your self worth. She had years to be good to you and she chose otherwise. Maybe you can build that as adults but don’t hinge your happiness on that for a second. She would have to make a lot of effort to have a chance (a least for me) and since she hasn’t, don’t even waste anymore energy thinking about it.
As for your ex taking the kid(s) to visit her, especially if it’s court ordered visitation for him, so long as the kid(s) are not abused, neglected or harmed in some way in his custody, there’s not a lot you can do to change that. Learn to be okay with it and just be a great mom to them. You can ask him not to but you really don’t know the can of worms you may be opening so might be smart to leave it alone unless the kids are being harmed in some way. Then it’s a whole different story.
I think as a society we put too much weight in family honestly if someone’s not in your life family or not and it’s for a good reason let um go
I can empathize with you. My mom has always put her SO above me my whole life after her and my dad divorced. Most recently her 2nd to the last SO raped my daughter and another family member. Her last SO was the same age as my younger brother. He was also a felon on parole. He was physically, mentally and emotionally, and financially abusive to her yet she put him above me, her grand kids and her great grandkids. I have no relationship with the woman that chose to give birth to me at 15yrs old. I have not been the cookie cutter daughter but the last 10yrs I’ve been drug free and got my shit together. I had to cut her out of my life. Shes toxic and until she heals from her past abuse I cant have a relationship with her. That being said shes still my mom. So I send her texts for special days. Birthdays, holidays. I want to keep line of communication open with her in hopes that one day she will get the help she needs. Every year for Christmas she gets a teddy bear on her front porch. She has always collected them. I dont know if she knows they’re from me but I still do it because I still love her. Shes my mom.
They’re septic. Leave them be. You’ve wasted enough time and energy on them. Grow you and your family strong, healthy and happy. You deserve it.
Sometimes family is toxic and you have to cut them off.
I don’t think this is “normal” as in healthy but it seems to be a common thing. You have tried and are steadily met with disappointment and I doubt that is something that is going to change. It’s time to move on and strive towards peace in your life.
Build your world around you and your children. Be the mother that she never was to you for them. It’s okay to cut dysfunctional people out of your life or people that are toxic. Like they say this too shall pass the feelings that you carry have been her burden to you give those feelings back to her let her deal with her own emotions. She sounds like a very hateful woman that despises you because you are a product of her ex-husband just like her husband doesn’t like you because you are a product of her ex-husband. I wouldn’t chase that relationship I would take my life back abandon the relationship and be a better mother to my children than she ever was to me. Good luck honey
Let them all go. It is easier than dealing with the constant negativity and neglect
Let them go it’s hard to do but you would be slot better off if you did your more depressed being around them than you are without them just be happy with out them
That is called an ambiguous loss. You cannot blame yourself for your mom’s actions. My husband went through this. You may need counseling to get over it but your mom is toxic.
For yourself and your children you must stay away from her… She has a real problem not with you with herself. Find a church to go to. Find a older woman that is kind and would love to have someone with children who was her friend. Be a friend and I am sure you will find one.
I wouldn’t go out of my way for her anymore. I would just let her do any reaching out and take the high road. Show her … you aren’t about drama and if she tries to make drama cut her off by leaving the situation.
For your own personal mental health completely cut her out of your life.
OMG I am so sorry you are going through this. My Mom divorced my Dad and married a loser. My youngest siblings were still in our home and he brought his son. Man she married hated my brother and almost killed him, she didn’t do anything!! He was 16 and escaped our home. Never came home after that. Lived with his girlfriend’s family. It is okay to just distance yourself from them (Mom). If your Mom is this way I would not want my child visiting her. Talk to your EX if he is taking the child there. Don’t know the age of this child though. Build a wall Hon and focus on your family. You can be kind to your step siblings. Don’t be a drama queen if you are. You have strength so buckle up and take care of your family. Sometimes parents get on the wrong track, so stay on yours. You are young I know you can do this!
Her behavior isnt right at all…I’m wondering what her relationship was like with your dad? Perhaps she holds some resentment, not with you but with him and has no where to direct it but on to you. Maybe see if she’d be willing to go to counseling with you. You clearly want that relationship, I’m sure she does too. Maybe she just needs to be relieved of some negative feelings that have been built up over time.
Always choose your children. Protect them from a toxic grandparent.
Lol just say bye. Seek counseling and move on. Yoill be better off. Cant force someone to be in your life i promise. Its better This way. O used to have hate over it. Now i can go either way talking to my mom or not.
She is an idiot i have one child he is grown now but we talk i would r could never turn my back on him he is my whole life i would do anything for him i would give my life for his i love him more than anything in the world so go on with yourse and forget bout them concentrate on your family and never b like her please always b there for your kids talk to them bout everything even if u dont like what they tell u work it out i always did with my son
Those who love me, love me well & those who don’t can …
If “mom” is causing you that much pain, write her off. If she comes to you at a later date, try to talk it out, otherwise, she’ll keep hurting you. You have your own family that loves you & that you love & apparently need to protect from how Grandma treats them as well! Surround yourself with people who love & respect you!
Sometime family is not blood related, they are the people who are by our side.
Be done with your mom. I’m sure it hurts but how many more times are you going to allow her to treat you this way? Stop giving her power over your emotions.
Just let her go in fact tell her just to go away,Youve had to much of her in your life.
I am so so so sorry 
but honestly if she isn’t going to meet you with effort then I wouldn’t keep trying and I would attempt to make it very clear that she isn’t to see your oldest child away for you
This is such a sad story… Why ? Because first God , second my children. Really I die for my two sons, and to read this It brakes my heart. Always pray for her and silently distance yourself until one day she comes to you and with out touching the past lives the future. If it doesn’t happen you are good with God. May God Bless you and your family.