How Do You Get Over — Forgive, Even — a Partner Who Cheated on You?

He. Doesn’t. Love. You.

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I have 2 suggestions

  1. Read the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie
  2. Find a local Al Anon meeting and go to the same meeting one night a week for 6 weeks… And then revisit your own question.
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You dont, you kick his ass to the curb

It never really goes back to normal. Cheaters will cheat again. You’re his fiance, but he honestly just sounds like a low life. Youd be settling if you actually married the guy.

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Its so hard to know what to do. It depends on if you want to fix it and if the love is enough right now. My husband forgave me and it took a while. I dont think he will ever truly trust me again but he loves me enough to try and i realized how big a mistake it was and i try to show him how much i really do love him and i keep him included in what im doing and where i am, not because he tells me to but because i want to because im still trying to forgive myself for what i did and how much i hurt him. (No he wasnt innocent in our problems but i made the choice to step out) i also want to rebuild and keep building that trust again. We talked through so many issues that i do feel we came out stronger. Its been a year and i feel like we just keep getting better.

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You dont. You kick his sorry ass to the curb! You deserve better.

Get rid !! Before he seriously fucks your head up and destroys you !!! Once a cheat always a cheat and no doubt he has done it several times without you knowing before !!! N if your not important enough for him too see that he can’t handle his drink and shouldn’t drink !!! He’s NO Good !!! Get rid while your still YOU !!

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I couldn’t…tried so hard too

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Therapy… if he is serious and it was a one off thing, regardless of any other issues he has going on- therapy is needed all the way around. But right now you have to decide for yourself and yourself only if you love him and you want to be with him and work through this… if you can honestly answer yes to this question- then stay and do the work- but you
Both have to do the work and make the effort! Still therapy therapy therapy… do it and then after 3 months ask yourself the same question…

At the end of the day no you do not deserve that no matter his excuse! And you shouldn’t have to feel like you are spying on him! And like everyone said previously once the trust is gone it is extremely hard to get it back BUT … it can be done! However it takes a lot of work on both parties and both parties have to WANT to fix it! If both of you want too- it can be done!

You may forgive but you’ll never forget. Trust me…I know. It’ll always be there. You’ll always wonder. If your ok with that then keep going. Maybe one day it will hurt less and maybe he will change…but you can’t make him change. Only he can make that decision to respect what he has and your decision to forgive him.

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I absolutely couldn’t. This is going to destroy you because it is going to keep on happening. I have depression too, but I would NEVER cheat on my boyfriend.

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If he had told you I would say there was a chance but you found out on your own. I don’t believe once a cheater always a cheater, but I do believe if you catch them rather then being told they are more likely to do it again.

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Girl i hate this for you… But the truth is nothing is gonna help you get better BUT leaving… Cheating is something no one can come back from idc how happy yall are or if yall make it work it is always still be right there like a Barrier… Im sorry but calling it done is best for the both of you. Don’t live your life like that… So not worth it! You should be with someone who respects you & only wants you… Even on their or your worst days! Never settle for less than you are worth!

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If you choose to stay with him, you cannot throw this in his face every argument. If you truly think you can eventually get past this great. However I would lay some ground rule… no more drinking… or maybe no more drinking when your not around. (Personally I think he is using it as an excuse). Know that it will take years for you to trust him again. Know that you will spend years just wondering if there is someone else. If you can live with that, I know some couples have come out stronger. But if you cannot live happily and slowly move on in a slow path this is something your gonna have to just drop and move on without him.

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I was never able to let that go after he cheated 4 times so i left. Never looked back, never regreted it.

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Run, because if you don’t you’ll feel that way the rest of your life . It’s miserable

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I don’t think anybody completely gets over their partner , if your willing to keep trying and fix your relationship, you chose to carry his baggage and what he’s done , but it’s up to you guys to gain trust . I hope that didn’t sound rude or anything !:slightly_smiling_face:

My fiance was talking to another female a year after we got together. Its how you guys go at it, and come out of it. To this day i have days where my thoughts get the best of me. But i think we were still young in our dating age an he was getting a feel an we talked about it alot. And for a while. But we grew stronger because of this. We now have open communication. We dont go to sleep with out saying i love you or a kiss. Its ALOT of work. But if you think its worth fuck what anyone else gotta say. Its you guys in this relationship

Please send me an inbox if you want to talk. I’m the unpopular opinion but I’ve been there and my relationship is so different now with therapy and help.

It takes more than a day. Sometimes years, and trust will never be the same.

If you have to turn on his location and spy on him in order to feel alittle better then you need to leave him. You should t have to do that and no one can tell you how to get over the feeling of not trusting someone after they cheat. That patron s all up to you but don’t downplay his cheating and what he does just because he is depressed and drinks alot and then Does things he necessarily dosnt want to do? If he is drunk, depressed whatever he will make the decision to do whatever he wants. He chose to cheat and that has nothing to do with drinking or being depressed. He needs to find out why he is depressed and fix it. Go see a doctor instead of drinking.

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End it. Maybe someday after he’s worked on his shit and you’ve processed your feelings about this it can work again. Right now it’s tainted and not healthy for either one of you.

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Sounds like he needs therapy not a wife. He is too mentally fu*ked up to be in any type of relationship. He is destroying himself and in that process he will break you too. This cheating and wanting forgiveness is just the start. Tell him first therapy for his mental illness then therapy for your relationship. If he doesn’t agree walk away things will not change without help.

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If you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything in a relationship. Stop making excuses for him. Don’t let him ruin you because he can’t get his shit straight.

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If you can’t trust him when he walks out the door and you spend that time worrying and wondering where he is or what he’s doing, then do something for yourself and walk away. It will happen again.

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Stop making excuses for him. He knows exactly what he’s doing. So he needs to stop with that “I’m Depressed shit”. Let him go!!!

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Sounds like he has a drinking problem, and then blames his actions on his drinking… you do not deserve to be cheated on! That’s not okay! You deserve better.

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You don’t. Get out. The longer you stay the more you lose yourself,the harder you have to fight to bring yourself back. No one and I mean no one deserves to be cheated on.

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Idk. A leopard don’t change its spots! Forgive yes but you won’t forget. Everyone deserves a second chance, but don’t be taken advantage of! You’ll know when it’s time to just say lesson learned

He is your fiancé not yet your husband. While I understand you love him and all his baggage I urge you to take a good long look at the foundation you are building a relationship on. It may not be worth it.

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Hi!
Mine was a drinker (very bad) and used to text other girls :frowning:
I still think about it an worry about it.
Its been 4 years since it all blew up over the texts
But the drinking got to a point where I left.
I litterly just had my 2nd bub (to him).
I kicked him out, we’d been together 10 years and lots had happened. However with, now 2 little ones, I had more than myself to think about.
We talked, texted (lol) became friends, and now are the best we’ve been as a couple.
He knows though, there’ll never be another “2nd” chance.
And I’ve never seen this lovely side of him. Even 7 months on…

What!!! Your giving him the ok to keep doing it! Walk away!! No real man would ever cheat if he was in love with you

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Why do you want to get over it? So you won’t be upset the next time? Cause there will be plenty more!

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His dick doesn’t accidentally slip into her

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He did this before you all are even married. Chances are he’ll feel more likely to get away with it when you aren’t just engaged. And it sounds like he didn’t even tell you, since you ‘accidentally found out’. Personal experience says to GTFO. In all sincerity, good luck if you decide to try counseling.

I’d leave. If he gets away with it once, he’ll do it again.

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You get over it by leaving him.

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Get that bread, get that head, THEN leave! :v:t2:out!

Run now he is not worth it. Heartache forever if you stay

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Never forget the past is the best predictor of the future

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Let him go before it is too late.

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Stop making excuses for him

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You don’t get over it. You stop making excuses for him and then you get over HIM sis. Any man that claims he loves you and wants to marry you will not be laid up with another woman, drunk or not.

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Sounds like excuses he knows exactly what he’s doing.people choose to cheat n drinking is no excuse.once a rat always a rat they don’t change.once u let them get away with it once it WILL happen again.and sorry but there is no trust so u have no relationship worth having any more.believe me I no

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I mean this in the best way possible but it reads like you are making excuses for his disrespectful behavior… you deserve better than this and unfortunately people like him don’t change. Cut your losses and dodge this bullet. You’re asking for a lifetime of having to “spy” on him and nobody deserves to be with someone who is unfaithful and has no respect.

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Omg girl you deserve so much more than this guy. He will do it again. Someone who truly loves you will not even THINK of cheating! You love him but honestly do you really want to be spending the rest of your life with someone you dont trust, cant trust, doesnt love you? The more time you spend with him the more time you are wasting with someone who doesnt respect you. Take the plunge and leave it will be the best thing you ever do- speaking from someone who was cheated on by an ex i was heartbroken but the love of my life walked in a few months later and we have been together 9 years married for nearly 4 and have just had our second child together and we are so happy. Im not bragging simply trying to state how good you could have it- worry free, snoop free, equal feelings for each other, know that they adore you. You could have that!

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Dude. WHAT. Bye :wave:t3: do not stay at all! You are definitely making excuses for him, oh my goodness you will find someone better who truly loves you!

I believe he needs counseling. First thing first is to see a shrink to get his depression under control and at the same time he should go to AA to stop drinking. And y’all should go to couple counseling together to work through the trust and find out why he is depressed and see what can be done to help. Many people refuse to get the root of the problem so it can be fixed and instead toss it aside. I believe if you try the counseling and AA first and the cheating still continues after the drinking stops and the depression is under control then yes I would say leave.

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I personally wouldn’t be able to trust him again. When I was a kid my dad cheated on my mom over and over again and she always forgive him. But seeing that and seeing how much it hurt my mom I wouldn’t want that for myself. Don’t get me wrong I love my dad but still…

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Once a cheater always a cheater , leopards don’t change there spots .

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The way you make him sound is he can do no wrong? No judgement here, but the man fucked up​:woman_shrugging: it’s not going to get better and 5-10 years down the road your still gonna be hurt and not fully trust him. Don’t waste all that time! Life’s to short to be feeling crummy all the time. All the best luck. :two_hearts:

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You need to decide right now whether you’re even capable of getting over it. If you decide to forgive, you must move on and never bring it up again. If you don’t think you can do that then the relationship is already over. If you think you will bring it up everytime you’re upset it’ll ruin your relationship. You will be bitter and resentful. Only You know whether you can move on from this and you probably already know right now.

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You don’t. Leave. It will only get worse.

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run know once a cheater always a cheater

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you mine as well settle in to this , you already have… I would have been gone a long time ago. buckle up it is going to be a bumpy ride. and it will be your fault for putting up with it.

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People are not the same when their depression is extremely severe. People can hate me for that, but honestly its the truth. They’ll do things they wouldn’t usually do and it’ll eat them alive nowing the secret is out. Give it some time. Give your body some time to chill out. Once you’ve calmed down it’ll be easier for you to decide what YOU want to do. Either way I suggest getting him help. If you decide to leave to then at least you know hes not alone and that’ll ease your mind. Its an extremely hard situation to be in and those who have never been in one like it will always say to leave.

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I’ve been there. That said, I stayed, and I’m so glad I did. Don’t get me wrong, it was a difficult choice, but it started with a willingness to honestly try on Both sides. A lot of factors were at play, but after a while, with open dialogue, and a genuine attempt at forgiveness, here we are more than a year later. We had to make a few alterations to how we communicate, I pay closer attention to how he is feeling, and he makes sure I know how loved and appreciated I am. Things are better now than they may have been otherwise, and I do not regret making the choice to actually try and see what happened.

It sounds like open dialogue has started between you and your partner. Ultimately, the choice is yours, you need to do what is best for you and yours. However, if you’ve got the motivation to keep trying, it may be worth it to give it a go? Worst case scenario, you are in the same place you’re at now. Best case, you both recover and enter a healthier place :heart:

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Get shot of him not worth the trouble for your mental health

It sounds like he has a lot of excuses, kinda sounds like a narcissist… what about you? You matter too

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I would leave. There’s 2 things I don’t forgive, abuse & cheating.

Also, 99% of the time, once a cheater always a cheater.

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That’s a very toxic situation to keep yourself in. Is it worth it if he turns around? Would you ever not want that tracker on? Could you ever really trust him again? Deep questions and soul searching is what you got to do.

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If you have to spy to feel at reassured, it’s time to let him go.

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Nah. Drinking is no excuse. He’s gonna continue cheating. Best of luck.

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Get out of that toxic situation. Especially if you don’t have any kids together.

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No matter your age, it’s never “too late” to start over. Enjoy life!! Don’t waste it trying to understand why someone is the way they are or adjusting yourself.

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Just ran girl until you can and its not too late. Don’t put up with his behaviour and him cheating.

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Know your worth an leave

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He thinks it makes him feel better ?what about you ? He don’t care about you… He just cares about him an his dick.

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Being drunk is NOT an excuse.
once there’s no trust…
there’s no trust, don’t make yourself miserable. Leave,And don’t look back.

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You don’t. Know your worth!

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Lol you dont.
You get some self respect and leave him.
Not to sound harsh here but you sound gullible,naive, and stupid. “Hes depressed and sad and drinks and that makes him do stuff he doesn’t want to do”
You’re making excuses for him.
See a therapist and learn how to love yourself because this man will never do it for you.

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Omg
Leave him
Oh

Oh wait he has money and supports you… so quit whining or leave

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I would say you don’t get passed it. You open your eyes and see the looser that he is and you leave him. You stop making excuses for him. If you marry him you will be setting yourself up for a very unhappy marriage. He isn’t going to change. Leave him and find someone who is more stable and trustworthy.

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Trying to rebuild trust is like when a vase is broken and glued back together; there are too many cracks. It’s never the same no matter how hard you try.

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You get over this by saying goodby

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Well he needs mental help for depression also a drinking problem and about the cheating well he does that because he wants to and if you have any sense at all you will get rid of that mess an go get a good life stop worrying about getting over the cheating cause honey he will do it again an I bet this ain’t the first time

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Tbh…I don’t think he loves you. You don’t put someone you love in these situations. At some point you have to love yourself more than you love him. Sounds like he doesn’t care about you anyway… Good luck

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Cheating on you wasn’t an accident :roll_eyes:. You don’t accidentally fall into someone’s vagina. It was a choice and you are letting him off the hook by making excuses for him. Leave and find someone who is worthy of you!

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Leave! You can do better for yourself. Until he finds God nothing will fill that hole or make him happy. That is not a healthy relationship. Best wishes and prayers for you both

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Sometimes you have to walk away from what you want, to find what you deserve❤ Don’t loose your self respect.

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Once a cheater always a cheater!! Get out now!!! It will never end!

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I’ve taken a man back after cheating. You will never trust them again. You will try, but it will always be in the back of your mind. It will drive you crazy wondering what they’re doing and who they’re talking to.

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Unfortunately i agree with everything that everyone else has said. You will be miserable the whole time your with him now so its better to leave him.

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You don’t. Leave and never look back.

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I don’t think you can. Sounds like he has some issues he needs to work on with a lot of therapy. Check out Susan Elliott. She has a podcast called Mean Lady Talking. It’s all about relationships, boundaries, etc. Her books and her podcast offer great advice.

Is that how you want to live your life? Nothing changes if nothing changes.

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Run for the hills and don’t ever look back!! You can never fully trust him the same no matter how hard you try! He needs to own up to what he did. You need to give your self the respect you deserve. He don’t deserve you if he can’t respect you. He will realize what he did was wrong. But you owe it to yourself to leave. Let him work on himself. You can still want the best for him, but you have to do what’s best for you before anything. :heart:

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He is not ready to marry you or anyone for that matter

Tbh I don’t believe you ever get over it…it’s always gonna linger in the back of your head…will never b the same…

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You’ve already started this whole things off enabling him to continue to walk all over you and you make his excuse for him.

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My ex-husband cheated on me. I tried to forgive him but I couldn’t bring myself to accept seconds after someone else. I had and have too much respect for myself than to accept leftovers. Your better than that and deserve better. Find your peace and keep it.

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No way to get over being cheated on, lied to, betrayed etc… No way to trust them again either… You just learn to live with it or leave :woman_shrugging:t2:

You never do get over it. It’s always there

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Pack a bag and walk to freedom … enjoy the rest of your life.

you will have doubts, you may have forgave him but you will never forget. Him sleeping with someone else? i know i would definitely never forget im so sorry this happened to you :pensive:

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You don’t…
If you you do u most likely to deal with it again in the future…it never ends,but looks like you my sweetheart have a plan, goodluck may it not end in more tears.

I got wrapped up in watching my ex and almost lost it. He never did quit cheating. There are very few relationships that withstand cheating. Get some counseling and ask if he will go. If not, get it for you. I want to say move on now, but I wasn’t ready when it happened to me. No matter which decision you make, a counselor will help.

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Firstly, I am so sorry that this happened to the both of you. Because it did happen to you both, you just feel differently “bad”.
No one can tell you what to do of course but I went through something eerily similar. It’s still hard to talk about but I tried for 6 years to keep him and us together.
In the end I realized there’s no way he can love me the way I love him because he doesn’t and won’t try to love himself.
I told him I did not want to look back at my life and regret that I gave him my best years. 10 years later that’s what happened. It did not work out no matter how hard I tried. We got divorced while we still really loves each other but we were not happy. I realize that’s such a weird thing to say but that’s how it felt. How can you break up when you still love that person.
Ultimately me always being there for him, always picking up his pieces, always trying to be there for “richer or poorer, sickness and In health” was only ever a one way thing.
I’m not telling you what to do, just sharing my heart because if someone had told me what I would be facing I would never have believed them and would probably still have done what I wanted to do. I just wish I didn’t give him all those extra years hoping he would change or get better.

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I don’t think it is salvageable. It will always be in the back of your mind if he’s 5 minutes late for work or wants to go out with his friends. In my opinion once that kind of trust is broken it’s done. Excuses or not.

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Yeah you’re never getting over it so unless you implant a tracking device up his ass just dump him :woman_shrugging:t3:

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