QUESTION:
"How do you trust your significant other again after they cheat on you? My fiancé has a lot of issues, and he’s depressed a lot, so he drinks a lot and does a lot of things that even he doesn’t necessarily want to do but does anyway because he thinks it’ll make him feel better, without thinking of who he’s hurting or how it’ll affect others.
I accidentally found out last night that he recently slept with a girl I went to high school with, and it turned into an argument/talk that lasted from midnight to 3 am. There was a lot of crying, a lot of deeply personal stuff was said, and I would like to say we are in a better place now, but I didn’t sleep at all and am still sick to my stomach about it.
He’s at work today, and last night while I was on his phone, I turned his location on in iMessage. It feels a little wrong to be spying on him, but it gives me just a little bit of reassurance that I know where he is and what he’s doing."
RELATED QUESTION: My Husband Cheated on Me With His Ex-Girlfriend: Advice?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
“It sounds like you come up with A LOT of excuses for him and enable his behavior. Either he’s incredibly manipulative or you need to wise up.”
“Stop making excuses for him. He made a huge mistake; let him wear it. Our traumas do not give us permission to hurt other people. You will likely never trust him again and it will be the downfall of the relationship. It hurts to lose someone you love, but it’s not love if they’re willing to hurt you.”
“Addressing the issue of him drinking could be a good place to start. He’s an addict so he’s always going to have an excuse for why he did what he did but drinking isn’t an excuse to cheat. Sounds like he needs to make his mental health a priority.”
“That guy is toxic. My bf of 7 years is extremely depressed too. It’s been a tough year. His great-grandma died and it caused a huge fight between every greedy person in the family. Work has put a lot of pressure on him as well. He has been so depressed at times that he contemplates suicide and has even been hospitalized or it. But did he ever even consider cheating on me? No way. He loves me and just wants me to help him through this tough time. Your dude is a pos for using his depression as an excuse for cheating.”
“I would not give him another chance and I’d walk away. You deserve so much better than that. If he cheats, he doesn’t respect you or love you. There is someone out there who would absolutely cherish you. Don’t settle on garbage. And if you make excuses for him and believe his excuses, then that’s on you. He’s obviously convinced you that you’re not worth much, which is a complete lie. You are worth so much, so why waste it with someone who doesn’t treasure you?”
“Okay coming from the exact same experience as you… I am still with my man. He had a drinking issue that caused a lot of problems and yes cheating was one of them. To the point and we lost literally everything including our home because of it. We took a little break so I could get back to life. He’s still here but he doesn’t drink anymore and he definitely doesn’t cheat anymore. It all depends on call grown-up your man is really. If it going to continue to act like a child and cause problems then you need to get rid of him and now.”
“Sounds like he gave you a lot of excuses and you fell for them. He drinks and does things he really doesn’t want to do? Seriously? Don’t be a chump!”
“It’s not your job to fix him and you do NOT have to stay with him and wait while he fixes himself. It’s not fair to you. Don’t put yourself through misery just because he has issues. You’ll find yourself suffering. My advice is to leave. If he loves you, he will take that time to seek therapy for his issues, and only then should you consider continuing your relationship. I left my ex so he could fix his issues. His issues were killing me. I became depressed. He sucked everything out of me for years and he chose to not fix his issues. I moved on and I found a healthy relationship. He didn’t. That’s on him.”
“First off, you’re finding excuses to justify his behavior. There is no excuse. Only HE can change himself. It doesn’t sound like he wants to get the professional help he needs, he only wants to self medicate. You don’t need to stick around for that kind of toxic behavior. Cut your losses now.”
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best of luck girly:heart:
I’m gonna level with you sweetie, he’s going to keep cheating so you will have MANY more 3 hour conversations while crying. Take it from someone who has been there and done that, move on. You will never trust him again and he’s going to keep cheating because his only consequence was conversation. My advice to you is, if you catch he cheating again(which you will) just leave and move on with your life.
