How do you handle being a step parent?

To the women with stepchildren and who have to deal with complicated baby mamas. How do you deal? We have a two-year-old together, but My husband has a 10-year-old son from another woman, and they have a court set agreement/schedule that she is to have him during the week, and he (my husband) gets him two weekends out of the month, so because of that, he is to pay her child support 100$ a week. She often complains about having to take care of him and says how she cannot make sure that he gets to bed on time and has been letting him stay up all night playing video games and eating junk (even on school nights), so when he comes here on his weekends, he displays the same behavior and does whatever he wants even after I told his father that this could not be acceptable in our house that we need to have rules. My husband takes it as “you have a problem with my son” and pitches a fight with me every single time he is here. So while this has been consistently going on now recently, I guess he spoke to his son’s mom about keeping his son for a week at a time now, and I will make it clear the same that I made it clear to him that I think that is amazing for him to get so much time with his son, but I also said that he needs to let the courts know so they can make her start paying child support to him. I think that is only right? When I told my husband this, he once again pitched a fight about it and said I just have a problem with his son, and I told him that he could flip it however he wants, but if we are a team, then he needs to make sure that his son’s mom won’t be getting over on us by still receiving payments when we are taking care of him. This has become a serious argument every time it’s brought up, almost like my opinion doesn’t matter and that I better not say anything or he will belittle me as much as he can in front of his son and call me names and tell me to shut the f*** up about it". This has been really hard. What would you do?

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Leave. It’s not worth it. Been going through this for the last 3 years, some times he listens other times it’s hell. And the verbal abuse just got worse and started going to my daughter and not just me. I left and even though I’m stressed I feel so much relief.

I’ve run into this. It’s very hard and especially when what you’re saying makes total sense. My fiancé has been putting up extra money and funding his ex wife’s house hold and even saying he has 2 homes to take care of bc his kids go between homes. I have since slowed the relationship down bc it has become a major disagreement. He doesn’t call me names or cuss at me but does express that I want him to do less for his kids. I want him to do his part in his home and not worry what his ex does. He shouldn’t have to do “extra” bc the ex isn’t willing to step up as a parent. He is going to have to see it oh his own. Your husband will have to open his eyes. I don’t want you to continue to be verbally abused so maybe seek counseling for a better understanding and communication.

Having “cuss fights” in front of the child is NEVER right no matter who is doing it! That being said, I have been in this situation myself several times over the years. Once, I was with a lady who pushed me too hard on the issue and I told her straight up that I loved her but, if she tries to force my hand to choose between her and my children, she would LOSE EVERY TIME! That’s what good parents SHOULD do. They choose the child over lover. I would definitely say the kid needs to respect you and your home, however. The best recommendation I would give you not only as having lived this exact scenario but, as a psychology scholar is as follows… The less you stir this pot of crap, the less it’s gonna stink! I give unorthodox psychological counseling…lol Seriously though, you will need to walk a fine line of making your spouse know you are not alright with the behaviors without nit-picking at the child looking for things to fuss about. Then, it will seem like you are targeting the child…and really you WOULD BE. You will have to face the fact that you are gonna have to bite your tongue a lot over the years if you want to be with this person and have a happy relationship.

As a step parent myself ive gone through this. My fiancee has a child by a previous relationship who is 7 now and our child is 3. My fiancee doesnt pay child support but has always gone above and beyond for his ex for any and everything. When our child was born he felt very upset at the fact he spends his time with our child and doesn’t see his older child. Well that progressed very far and we would argue and fight over the fact he cant just be dad to one or the another. That he now has two has they have to be equal. It got so bad to the point he was taking his older child out and doing stuff and when I would ask why he didn’t take our child he would just tell me he doesn’t take little ones out and about. Which would cause a huge blow up and he would just tell me I had an issue with his kid. Which wasn’t the case. It finally took me having a breakdown and taking our child and leaving for a week for him to finally open his eyes and see what he was doing wrong. He is an amazing father and always has been he just felt bad that his child was separated from him and felt like they weren’t getting enough attention. It also didnt help that his older child would cry to him when I wasnt there that they dont get any time with him cause of the baby and that just fed into his dad guilt. My advice is see if your husband has dad guilt. It’s very much a thing just like us mamas have mom guilt. If he isnt going through dad guilt then tell him your taking your child and leaving until he can figure his shit out and hpw to be a team. Had I not left for a week in my situation I dont think my fiancee would have ever saw what was happening.

Not trying to sound rude at all when I say this. But just leave it be. You’re a step parent. Nothing you say or do will matter to the mother or your husband since it’s not your kid. Best not make it your issue. Just ignore it. Or leave your husband bc he sounds like absolute garbage.

My husband and I have been married for 31 years and blended a family consisting of yours, mine, ours ending with a total of 6 children. We got custody of his from a previous marriage without child support. It was never about money it was about best interest of the children. Mine were raised with rules and his had none before we got them. The rules didn’t change when they came to our house they were told of the rules and the punishment that went with not following them. My first thought is to sit down with your husband and get on the same page. If he can’t take your feelings into consideration and come to an agreement then he would be paying child support for 2 kids. And if his son can’t abide by the rules then your husband needs to understand that a week of the arguments isn’t going to happen. Parents are a team and need to work together

I have been with my husband since my step daughter was 2. We have her every other week Friday to Friday. Unfortunately the courts don’t care we split time 50/50 so my husband still pays child support. When she was little, things were ok but as she has gotten older her mom has taken on the best friend roll instead of mom. Therefore, my step daughter has no responsibilities or structure. She does have to take care of herself at her moms which includes making her own meals and making sure her homework is done etc. Our house is very different with bed times, chores and a higher level of expectations. The best advice I have is to tell your husband that he is your child too. You are willing to take on the roll of being a mother figure but with that you must be on the same page when it comes to parenting just as you will need to be on the same page with the child you share. Both children need to have the same rules and expectations. Other than that you can’t be petty when it comes to the baby mom. She is his mother and what she does on her time you can’t change, so you shouldn’t worry about. All you can do is help take care of your step son the best you can. If you and your husband can’t find common ground when it comes to parenting you will have bigger issues as the kids get older. Being a step mom isn’t easy but it is worth it.

I have 2 children and have had 2 step children for 5 years now. We pay $1000 a month even when we have them half the time. She is incredibly selfish and inconsiderate, especially when it comes to what’s best for the children i gave birth to. BUT it the end of the day, I love my husband, and I adore all of my children, and sometimes keeping the peace is better than fighting for the children. Its a struggle though, and i feel for you

There is a serious problem if he thinks you’re wrong to expect good behavior and a routine while he is there, yet it’s ok in his mind to belittle and cuss at you, in front of the child no less. Sounds like your husband has some serious growing up to do, because his behavior is completely out of line.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How do you handle being a step parent?

100% you need to back off.

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Let him take care of his son the way he wants to and drop it

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I sm sorry for you. Unfortunately your husband has been abusive to you on so many level’s.
I am sending you healing prayers and good vibes that you will soon have the courage to leave before your 2 year old starts to mimic both negative behaviors.

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Are you a stay at home mom? If so I imagine you don’t know what it’s like to pay a child care bill. It’s 70$ a day here for my two kids. I’d leave the child support alone. That alone wouldn’t even cover a child care cost while the mother works. Not to mention the two weeks she will have to pay to keep their place if they decide to do a week on week off visit schedule. It sounds like you have some control issues, potentially jealousy issues. If you aren’t capable of having a healthy relationship with that boys mom, then you need to evaluate your relationship with his father.

I’m going thru a divorce now because of this situation exactly.

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Your husband obviously doesn’t want to hear the truth, and sometimes that happens. Especially when it comes to a child in a previous relationship. If his child has bad habits then those bad habits will creep onto your kids, they’re going to wonder why he gets the act that way and they don’t. And I would explain it to him just like that. If he belittles you infront of those kids like that then that’s abuse, and he’s teaching those kids to talk to women in that manner. He can either shape up or ship out.

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As a step mother there are certain lines we can’t and shouldn’t cross. We can give our opinions. But that’s about it. He will have to figure it out and implement what works. You just need to support him and love him and his son. Good luck to you.

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Let your husband parent his son that stays between him and his child’s mother. You need to back off and try to encourage better but don’t tell that man what’s not acceptable with his own child.

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At the end of the day, that’s HIS son. What he and the mother of his child agreed on is between them and that’s it. When he feels he needs to set rules for his son, let him. It’ll probably be when shit hits the fan and then you can be like I told you so, but do you even want to stick around for that? The only thing I’d concern myself with is the fact that he talks to you in such a way and in front of a child no less. The red flag here is a respect issue towards you, not the baby momma or her kid.

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If “his” child is going to be under you guys roof , whether it’s the weekend or a whole week at a time his child need to follow you guys rules !! His child or not it your house too and you and ur rules need to be respected…

I struggle with similar issues. It’s hard when one kid is parented one way and the other is another

I’ve ended relationships over that sort of thing.

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Yeah thts not how cs works at all
Cs goes to the custodial/primary parent
Him having his kid a week at a time doesnt make him custodial/ primary
Cs payments dont get cut off just bc its his visitation time
Stay in ur lane abt it $100 a week isnt even alot in cs noones getting one over on anyone
As for the name calling and yelling from him tht also needs to stop theres no need for him to be an ass abt it but theres also no need for u to not stay in ur lane when it comes to someone elses child

All you are concerned about is the child support. That’s his son and you knew that when you married him.

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Honestly sounds like your not saying everything on your part and especially the way you handle his son! I honestly think your the problem!

Soooo has this always been a problem? Yalls child together is 2. The other kid is 10. This doesn’t just happen overnight. And he needs to pay child support. Thats support for the child. Why would the mom pay him child support when she has the child most of the time?

As long as him and bm are coparenting And making decisions for the child without having to go through court then you just need to leave it alone. I have a step son and it’s hard to come together as a blended family but bitter bm’s are the worst. Dont risk pissing her off cuz she can take that week away just like she gave it. Its not fair but it is what it is and 99% of the time courts side with the mother.

Tell him if he keeps disrespecting you by telling you to “Shut the F up” you’re going to punch him in the mouth so hard he will swallow his teeth hopefully severing his vocal cords so he will never be able to say that again. I’m not a violent person…I just have problems.

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He would have to inform child support services or agree that he doesn’t pay that amount of child support when have a whole week.
What rules you enforce with own child do same with his child set clear boundaries & say that you don’t have a issue bit you both need to apply the same boundaries to change his child’s behaviour.

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Ummmm that’s 50/50 then why would she have to pay him child support ? Lol :laughing: you need to back off .

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You let him parent his own kid……if he’s okay with it then just drop it. Cause if you don’t you’ll be adding another step dad in to the mix soon enough

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You two also have a child together. Make sure he understands that the same rules apply for both children when they are at home together. As for child support I would just drop that conversation. It is not worth a argument. Coming from a split family myself I struggle with this too. Over the years and alot of growth I ended up sitting down with the child’s other parent and had one of the best talks. You don’t have to be friends ( does make it easier when both respect each other) but being one the same page is best. Then we brought my husband in on it.

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You are a team but if he insist on raising his son how he sees fit go ahead and let him maybe those repercussions that he’ll see for himself will change his mind on your outlook on the situation

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All these people saying back off, seriously? This child is coming into a home that is also HERS and she should get a say in the behavior that’s acceptable in a home that is also hers. They are a combined family, she should absolutely get a say. I’ve been in a similar situation but lucky me, I have a man who took my thoughts and feeling into consideration and did something about it because it’s a family unit and it’s my home too.

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Actually she wouldn’t pay I think it could be where neither pays if you guys are going to have him 50/50.

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Is he the one that’s going to be taking care of his son personally for that week or is it going to fall on you if it’s the latter then you have every right to your demands but as for that belittling you that’s a big no and he would get his marching papers but as the child support well it takes more than $100 a week to take care of a child and you already know this .

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You’re seriously complaining about 100$ a week in child support?

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I’ve been a full time step mom over 12 years now and have been thru a lot of stuff! I will tell you I’m in a lot of step mom groups that have saved my marriage, my life, and my freedom multiple times. Dm me if you want info on the groups. BM hasn’t had custody of the skids since she left my DH, but she had visitations the same as you’re describing.

I’m assuming you knew he had a son and everything pertaining to that scenario before marrying the man. Should of had this discussion prior to saying wedding vows. Now you’re unhappy. Either back off and say nothing more. Stay in the marriage but keep your finances physically separated or leave all together. Because from what you’re saying it doesn’t sound like he is willing to talk it out and come to any sort of common ground with you on this topic.

Not how that works. Child support goes based on income. Since it is summer, most custody does weeks at a time anyways. If you are the only person that has a problem with the child’s behavior and his biological parents don’t see an issue, then sorry to break it to ya, but you are the problem, not the kid. It’s summer time. You can’t tell other people how to parent. Especially the biological parents in a different home. Back off with the need for control.

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It she keeps him a week and yall keep him a week it is 50/50 and there should be no child support.

The court should know about any changes to the living arrangements because someone can get in trouble for this

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Sounds like YOU DO HAVE A PROBLEM!.

YOU!

I am fully for amending the child support, not for her to pay him but he shouldn’t be paying her when he has him either. If it’s 50/50 then child support shouldn’t be an issue.

What I would be concerned about is the older child’s actions rubbing off onto your child, as well as you getting stuck with the parenting responsibility for the older child. If you’re “not allowed” to have a say in the older child’s parenting or rules in your own home, then I would let him parent his own child on his own. I believe he will learn pretty quickly that that isn’t what he wants and that rules and structure are necessary.

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So if they each have him a week, that’s means they have him equal amount of time so no one would /should have to pay child support

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The REAL issue is not with the mother or the child, your issue is with your husband. Whether you believe it or not, it is NOT ok to belittle you EVER, call you names or to tell you to shut the fk up, especially in front of the child. I was thinking of some ideas to offer to help until I came across your last paragraph…RUN! Run as far as you can away from that man. That is my only advice.
“This has become a serious argument every time it’s brought up, almost like my opinion doesn’t matter and that I better not say anything or he will belittle me as much as he can in front of his son and call me names and tell me to shut the f
* up about it".

So she has the son 3 weeks a month and yall have him 1 week a month, so you want her to pay your husband child support is that what your saying? All ima say is you need to be comfortable paying child support in this type of setup if you and your husband separate

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I raised 4 kids. But this is exactly why I dont date dudes with kids. Baby mama drama is the worst.

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Im a mom whose bd only gets his kids 2 weekends a month only 2 actual overnights a month and idk sounds to me like you DO have a problem with his kid. Im sure the kid was no secret when yall met so you knew … or you have a problem with the BM so you automatically dislike kid . He regularly only gets them 2 weekends… so really up dad’s child support if you want to pay fairly. Kids are pricey year round and sounds like mom has him most time.

So as a wife and step mother of 2 step children my advice to you is definitely voice your concerns. If your husband loves you and respect you then he should have no objection ESPECIALLY if all your trying to do is care for the child and want what’s best for him. I will say this. Children are prone to mimic other children and being that you have a 2 year old they are definitely SPONGES soaking up everything they see and hear. If you don’t want this type of behavior from your step child to be learned by your little one I would definitely nip it in the bud. As far as child support goes he will just be paying that . We won’t take away his responsibility as a father/man because it’s definitely hard on single mothers caring for a child even with “$100”. Children are expensive! If you ever been a single mom then you fully understand what I mean. Keep your head up hun

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Neither should pay child support if you are week on week off. When you married your husband he came as a package his son became your son. (The word step was never used in our home). You and your husband should parent this child together in your home, the child needs to follow the rules for your home. If you and your husband disagree on something it should be done in private not in front of the children. My Bonus daughter came into my life at age 12, and we definitely had our disagreements through the teenage years. However the love I have for her wouldn’t be any different had I gave birth to her. She is now 37 we are best friends and she still calls me Mom even though her Dad and I are no longer together. Her children are my grandchildren just like my biological daughters children. Our family would be incomplete without them.

My boyfriend has a 6 month old this month. But his baby mama is just the worst. She’s constantly using her child as a weapon against him(The father) and won’t let him visit with the little girl. The baby mama is always making excuses as to why my bf can’t see his daughter. Now she’s demanding he pay child support but still won’t give him visitation. Its so annoying. But me and my bf share the same ideas on how to raise a child so I have no worries there. You need to remind your husband you guys are a team. You two need to sit down and have a serious conversation about this and just be straight with him. Don’t beat around the bush. He needs to understand that this isn’t okay and if he keeps up you will have no choice but to leave. Because what he is doing is actually gaslighting.

Child support is based on income and parenting time. So he could still end up paying her. The fact that you’re more concerned about money than anything is why step parents get a bad reputation. That child needs love and support. You need to learn to communicate to him your concerns not judge his parenting style. You also cannot control what happens when the child is with his mother. You have zero say.

Wow this isn’t an issue with the mom at this point, this is an issue with your hubby. I am a step mom too, he has three kids prior and I have one, and we have one together. They are our kids regardless of blood. His older two are 18 and 20 so no issues there, but we have my bonus daughter 2 weeks on/off. In our household rules apply to ALL the kids equal and we parent together. We have issues with her mom too, but we still work together. He values my say and if he thinks I’m over the line with any of the kids, my son included since he’s the only dad my son has, he’ll pull me aside and tell me. I do the same. It’s called respect. All of you “let him parent his kid and drop it/stay out of it” obviously don’t know what it means to work together with your partner with raising a blended family🙄. You need to consider what kind of parenting it’s going to be like for your kid together in the future if this is how he treats you now. You’d honestly be better off without all that bull shit. It should be you two standing united together. But he obviously doesn’t respect you as a parent if this is how he acts🙄

If you are going to be the caregiver to this child during the week, it is your business and you are the one who sets the rules IF the bio parents have a problem with it and your tired of being used and treated like shit being called names then YOU dear need to leave and let them deal with their child…if he isn’t a team player with HIS wife, he’s not the man for you pack up and leave ASAP… your being used and YOU deserve better…

My house my rules period I don’t care who’s kid it is

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Your husband is in the wrong. Im sorry but not sorry hes being a jack ass. You are his wife and and you are there to help care for his child as well. I give you a lot of props. Honestly i could not and would NEVER play step mom to no ones kids. You take on a reason

This is not a baby momma problem. This is a baby man problem

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Responsibility that you didnt have too. Your opinion counts and matters. He needs to see that and respect that. Again props to you momma. Stand your ground. (Sorry didnt mean to post tge other one when i did. ) wasnt done. If thats how he feels. Dont help out with HIS SON. Dont cook for him, dont clean up after him, dont wash his stuff, dont watch him, dont take him no where… If " thats his son" let him do it all for his son. Thats just my opinion. I know its gonna piss ppl off but i dont give a f**k

Befriend baby mama, same with bonus son. Stop dividing the family you have 2 kids now. The kids are siblings. In your house it is your rules. It takes a village thats why the moms need to have respectable comunication.

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I have a 9 year old, it’s summer, so he gets to stay up later playing his games but I also have a 4 and 1 year old who think they can as well. So boundaries are set that are to be followed or they have consequences for not listening. Boundaries will have to he set between your children. You will have to parent your child and make them go to bed at their time. The oldest deserves a summer. He deserves to have fun. He just worked his butt off through one of the most stressful school years ever. Let the kid live a little but also set clear cut off times and If that doest work you have a power box cut the power to his room. He will learn be done by this time or power goes off and he loses all progress in his game. Now about the exercise thing if your worried about his weight go for walks after dinner or to the park and call it like mandatory family time. Change what your buying and get more healthy snacks, so he can’t just eat junk. In your house it’s just as much your fault as it is their’s. You are the adult that makes you the advocate for the child. The child support thing is something in my opinion that he feels the need to pay out of guilt or he’s afraid to bring it up to her, afraid he won’t get to see his kiddo. Also I do think if you are going to be having him more the payments need adjusted to reflect that. As for the disrespectful attitude for your husband, all I can say is I personally wouldn’t except it. I would make him aware of how it made me feel and tell him my options of how it can be handled. If he chooses to continue with the behavior he obviously doesn’t care as he should and maybe therapy should be looked into before divorce happens. If that doesn’t work then maybe you married the wrong person.

You’re supposed to be a team. He acts like he’s afraid his son will get mad and not want to come over. But children NEED a parent not a friend and he cant raise one child one way and another a different way. Same rules must apply for both or one will feel the other one is favored more. As long as he spends quality time and shows his sone love and attention he will learn to accept rules and might actually feel better having boundries and getting enough rest. His son may even decide to live with him and his cs payments can stop.

Well I am guessing she is doing it alone. He should have stayed to help her parent if he wanted to help the situation. Can’t complain about how she is doing it if he has not helped 🤷

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If that child is residing with you at any point you do have a right to speak up. Child support does not work that way though. It is always hard in these situations but your husband sounds like a douche if he is treating you that way. But there are two sides. All I suggest is get everything finalized in writing. And maybe ask the kid what he wants to do. He will be at that age soon that he can make his own choices

Had this problem at one point but he has full sole custody of 4 and I have full sole custody of 1 and I did everything for all of them. I flat out told him it is the same rules for all or I am gone. So we sat down and took some of his some of mine and made a our rules chart. Now we have 1 together.

Sweetie, I am so sorry you are going through this. I am a step parent to a 14 year old girl, a birth daughter 6 from a different relationship and an our daughter 2 with my now husband. This is hard. Especially when you can see exactly what is wrong and what needs to change. It took me a little over 3 years to get my husband to understand that his daughter lies and manipulates everyone to get sympathy. She is in therapy and all that jazz. But what I do when he is home, I nacho. I nacho so hard. If he thinks he has it all figured out with his kid, let him do the work. Care for your child. I am not saying to ignore the other kiddo when he is over, just let husband do the parenting. It will save you a huge headache and a lot of heartache. I am so sorry you are in that position. But in this case, nacho kid, nacho worry. :wink: please feel free to reach out to me any time. I can also point you to some good groups that are nice for support. Much love to you, momma!

I personally would leave the $400 in play as I know it takes more than that to raise a 10 year old. The discipline and behavior part I think you and your husband need to have a real conversation outside of the children’s earshot. There has to be a “unified front”… there’s more than disagreeing going on there is a lot of disrespect

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Be a STEP mom and stay in your place. Period

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The son should follow the rules of that house what he does at his mom house is different from what he do at the father’s house as a step mom my husband and his ex was paying child support but that was because they lived with there grandma but when they came to are house they followed are rules and he had them every other weekend and we been married for 18 rys now my step kids are grown and on they own it’s not easy raising someone else kids

I feel the ones telling her to back off about how she is feeling are sour baby mamas too and are against step parenting and for everyone to get along. I dealt with this same issue with my EX husband and would talk down to me in front of them and when he would have his visits his daughter didn’t have to follow any of our household rules that we had for my children and I blew up. Plus when she would visit I was the one that dealt with anything to do with her and if she didn’t get her way with me she would whine to her father to get her way. I finally told him that when she came to visit me and my children were going to stay at my sisters while she was there and he could deal with her exclusively himself. Sadly to say he started not taking his daughter as much (she lived 4 1/2 hours away) and then blamed me for it

I hope they all have fingernails

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I honestly don’t think it’s your place. It’s fine to have rules but, the child support isn’t your business. It costs WAY more to raise a kid than $100 a week. Pick your battles. Also, it’s summer time. Letting him stay up later shouldn’t cause so much drama in your relationship. It seems to me like you just want some kind of control over what’s happening. Maybe I’m wrong. But, again. You’re the step mom. You have to stay in your place.

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For the women saying that she’s just a step mom and needs to stay in her place, you guys are the baby mommas who want complete control. Y’all are stupid honestly. She’s literally just trying to make the life of the little boy better. It’s not like she’s asking how to get rid of the boys mom. Grow tf up and think how you would feel in the situation.

My fiancé has 2 teenage daughters and 1 of them lives with us now. It isn’t always the easiest but it’s not hard either. I don’t deal with the baby mama though he deals with her. If there’s an issue I let him know what’s going on and why I find it to be a problem and then he usually tries his best to handle it.

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my home my rules! I’m dealing with the same bs she is. This is about a biological mom not being a mom at all. And disrespectful child in return. Sorry no child is going to disrespect my home. There are rules at both homes and if they can’t co parent to make those rules mutual that child needs to know what rules fall under what roof. And at 10 he knows. My step son is 7 and he knows.

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I would definitely set with your husband and have a talk, but none of this belongs in front of said child or others. But depending on courts step parents have no say, which is BS cause it’s your house as well. Just explain to your hubby everything needs to be in writing and through a court order so she can’t turn things around on you . And what ever money has been given to her while he’s lived with you all needs returned. That money is for the child not the parent. Every child needs rules and bedtimes .

Id seriously take my kid and walk away. Let him deal with his son and baby mama. I walked away from a 6 yr relationship bc of my ex step kids.

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Wow the comments here blow my mind… my stepson respects me tremendously he does what he does with his mom when he is there but when he gets to our house he knows that rules are here that have to be followed and his dad understands that… staying up all night eating junk and playing games isn’t healthy for anyone so its in his best interest…as for the child support part Idk how I feel about that… it sounds a little petty to me… but if he’s staying over weeks at a time (like a lot of weeks) then paying child support makes no sense as he is there and being fed and taken care of… so maybe not have her pay child support to him but maybe arrange the payments differently if its that big of a deal… lastly if the dad is disrespectful to you and in front of his son, the son may feel he doesn’t need to respect you and that may be the real reason he doesn’t bother to listen to you… his dad is acting as an enabler unknowingly… some of these guys here have the horrible mentality that all step parents are bad when in reality all we want to do is make things work… i have been with his dad since he was 2 years old, I now have a 2 year old and one on the way and sure he is a kid and get out of hand sometimes but he respects me, we have a great bond… maybe thats because he lived with us most of the time I’ve been with his dad idk but I believe its the love we all share as I treated him like my very own from the beginning… anyways i hope you figure out this situation because it can be stressful :heart:

Im a stepmother and you cant tell her to stay in her place!periodtt! WHATEVER happens at her house is her business as well! Yes if its affecting them finacially,emotionally…etc…its her business as well. She has a say and if he doesnt respect your feelings about yalls household…do what you feel is necessary for you! Yes they can work on their coparenting stuff but to say she should stay in her place is wrong…

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It’s 100 a week. That’s 400 a month. Pay the money. 200$ a month won’t feed a kid for 2 weeks. As for his behavior, you just have to work on it, moms style of raising DOES NOT HAVE TO SUIT YOURS. Kids adjust.

Walk not run from that relationship.

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I agree with you, if she wants you guys to have his son a week at a time now, then hubbie shouldn’t have to pay her while he’s with you guys. It’s also obvious she’s going to get her own way and hubby is not going to support you at all. The fact that he disrespects you in front of his son is absolutely disgusting. Boy’s look up to their dads, sooner or later his son will start treating you like :poop: too bcoz his dad does and he’ll think it’s normal. Don’t let hubby get away with it, tell him if he’s going to continue to not support you and if his son isn’t going to follow the rules when he stays with you guy’s, then that’s it. Sorry to be the one to say it but I would have left his immature a$$ by now.

That’s not how it works. Child support is set up so the child can have things/basic needs at both homes. If she doesn’t make a lot… he will still have to pay no matter how much time he wants with him.
It’s not up to any of you, its up to the courts and it doesn’t necessarily mean he pays less if he gets kid more. Look into it before spending the money to go back to court. It is VERY hard to get child support lowered without just cause. (You having the kid more is not a “just” cause.)

When it’s time for court are you allowed in the courtroom NO so just stay out of it yes you live together but that is his issue with the mother of his son not yours

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If All parents and step parents don’t follow the same rules there will always be conflict.DON’T make the child be in the middle.

Girl leave him…it will be ur headache if u don’t.

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Easy I don’t date guys with kids. Problem solved. I was a step parent for 7 years. It was horrible

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They share custody there usually no child support. I’d definitely out my foot down about him staying up all night. The son is walking all over his parents. I definitely wouldn’t put up with it especially when I don’t allow my teens to stay up like that.

Your house your rules. Tell your husband to grow a set. Neither of them are showing you any respect.

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why does the biological mother not have time to properly disipline her son?

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As a step parent and with a daughter who also has a step parent of her own. The mother is and always will be and should be involved and a part of what goes on. And 100$ a week is alot lower than most people get. He was lucky with those payments! Unless he has majority of the custody the court will never make pay child support. Child support goes to primary custodial parent. It’s not unreasonable to hold him accountable while he is in your home but you as a team have to set them. Whatever rules are set in place for the child you share should be in place for him as well but not seperate rules.

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I was agreeing with you up until the she should pay him. If anything he should go and get that week revoked for when he has him. Since he is caring for him that week he shouldn’t have to pay child support that week.
If you do not stand your ground about what should be happening, it will never change. Either lay out the rules for the home and keep everyone on track to follow them, or leave and get your $100 a week for your child. The choices are simple.

Ughhh girl, I know the feeling!! A bit different though as there’s no set schedule for visitation… because their dad works damn near all the time. They were coming anyway, while he worked ( but I have four kids of my own) so adding two more to the mix, was a huge stressor for me for a week on/week off basis. Especially the boys ( my step kids) one of them being a seriously hard child to deal with… always getting in trouble, always hurting everyone else, always bullying… doesn’t hear anything you say; goes right over his head and he is almost 10. The oldest out of them. It would cause fights between my partner and I as well. The mom and I get along totally fine, have been friends well before the dad came into play… so we usually determine visits and such… it truly causes a lot of stress because their dad ( my partner) gives in, he’s a push over to the kids and then I’m the bad guy who does all the disciplining… so it is now determined they do not come unless he is off and home… I try and drop the parenting roll while they’re here… but it’s tough, as they come to me for everything as that’s what they’re used to… I don’t deserve to be extra stressed out because this almost 10 year old gets babied and his mom only gives him a “talking too” there’s no real discipline and he’s done some scary things… and I have mentioned behavioural issues, and an assessment should be done… as it just isn’t normal… but no one seems to remember and get it done… and if I continue to say anything, I’m just the bad guy picking on her son… So I stay out of it now :woman_shrugging:t5: we still have a decent relationship… but doesn’t get anywhere productive anymore.

So each state is different for child support laws. I have primary custody of my daughter but since I make more than my ex I get less child support. And I have to cover 70% of her medical. That being said the state I live in ¶ I can re-file for child support once every 3 years… but once again I make more so doing so may decrease what I get (less than $200/month).
As for custody, it should be re-evaluated and go back to court for a final decree. I personally feel (as a parent of a now teenager) their attitudes and personality changes over time so custody should reflect that (although court tries to make it linear its not a linear thing). It is something that step-parents have to accept which is hard. My fiance has done a wonderful job being a step-parent but it’s always a tension subject especially when my daughter sees her father… we will probably always have tension in that area but it’s because we all want what is best for the child. Maybe come at the topic in a different way explaining how you care about his son and only want what is best whether that be to provide better for him or to set boundaries that will help him as an adult. When my fiance comes at me like you should do x y z it can make me feel like a failure as a parent. But when he tells me the facts and explains how x y z will benefit my daughter I know he has her best interests at heart. Good luck. I don’t think you should through away an otherwise good relationship because of one issue- if there were other issues then it might be something to consider. The biggest part of co-parenting is being receptive to the other person’s ideas… co-parenting isn’t just the two parents who live apart but also involves the step parents in the child’s life.

I’m a step mom to 11 kids! Yes. You heard that right. Granted, they are older but I have 2 that we share custody with 50/50. You have to stop worrying about how they live at moms house. Get mad all you want, but you cannot let her ways affect how you feel. Shes not your problem. All you can do is set the rules at home when he’s with you. I’ll be honest, your tone sounds like the kid bothers you. $100? It’s nothing! I’m sure the support for your baby is a lot more.

I absolutely loathe our baby Momma… but I would NEVER EVER give my husband these ultimatums and complain about a $100 support check. If your husband is not giving you a place, then the problem is with him. Not baby momma. Not your step kid…

Please please please listen to me, if you cannot love that kid and excuse his mother… your relationship will fail. Being a step parent is a tough as job. You literally are there when you are needed, and excluded when your not. But that is exactly what you signed up for.

Remember that this kid has dealt with having a father for 4 days out of the month, so however mom is raising him is the fault of mom and dad. This is extremely petty. But your energy is being directed in the wrong direction.

Talk to your partner, and make it very clear what you expect. If you allow him to treat you like that in front of your step kid, he will start treating you the same. TRUST!

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Leave , walk away . He’s akready set in stone he’s probably not gonna change . Seeems like your blaming the baby Mumma but in all reality it’s your mans thats the problem - he doesn’t respect you and your opinions :ok_hand:t3: don’t let him belittle you , walk away

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I would realize why it didn’t work out between them and consider walking away. He shouldn’t be berating you or ignoring your concerns.

Whatever the rules are for your bio child should be for your step child IN YOUR HOUSE. Whatever goes on at her house is none of your business and not your lane. Your husband needs to remember your a team. If he can’t remember, give him space. If he doesn’t remember, you need to act accordingly.

As a woman with a blended family both my partner and i are step parents I’m gonna lay it out straight. ALL of the parents involved need to get along, be adults, and be on the same page with parenting. Same routine, same bed times, etc between houses. If yall cant do that than you have no business being parents. Period. Its about the children, and providing them stability between houses. Maybe try to be civil with your husband qnd tell him you want everyone to find a common ground. You want the kids in bed at 8 baby mama wants kids in bed by 10 kids go to bed at 9.

As far as child support goes, you’re being petty as hell thinkin shes “getting one over on you” by receiving $400 a month. $400 aint shit to raise a kid on. If he has him 4 days a month thats $15 a day. You can’t even feed a kid on $15 a day. Even if he has him 11 days a month thats $20 a day. Still cant even feed a kid for $20 a day. Grow up lady.

He disrespects you so obviously that’s what the child will do.

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