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QUESTION:
"Lately I've started to become extremely jealous of my partner. I'm a stay-at-home mum with 2 boys one at home one at school. My partner has just gone back to work and I’m finding I spend all day attending to the child at home cleaning washing and cooking tea while this guy (partner) gets home from work has tea put in front of him, he eats showers and of to bed he goes, while mum over here doesn’t stop till well after midnight. Come the weekend he thinks it's fine to laze around all day “coz he's worked all week” and do the bare minimum to help. He is a great hands-on dad for what feels like the whole hour he spends with the kids I can’t fault him on that… I’m just so SO over the constant same sh*t different day and so SO jealous that he gets his time out even if it's working. Honestly, am I just being a sook or is this normal?"
RELATED: I Know I’m the Stay-At-Home Parent But Is It Okay to Ask My Husband to Help With Weaning Our Toddler?
TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
"It's normal, if u wanna work go do it, if not, enjoy being home, talk to hubby and tell him u need some u time!"
"Oh momma it’s hard to not get mad every once in a while when everyone else gets a break but u. Talk to ur man let him know that u are struggling and could use a little extra help even if it’s just a couple of small things. Honestly, though I’ve been a stay at home mom for 10ish years and I love my husband so much, but I am totally jelly randomly that he has a life outside of the kids and house I just try to remind myself that there is nowhere I would rather be on the extra-long days."
"Go back to work. Tell him you're not cut out for staying home all the time. Don’t lose your independence. Just because he works doesn’t give him the right to use it against you and to not help you."
"A lot of working parents (moms or dads) feel that since they work all day and the other parent is a stay-at-home parent, it’s all the stay-at-home parent's job to take care of the house and kids. This is FALSE! Anyone who has been a stay-at-home parent knows that it’s a full-time job, without pay. If he works all day, and you’re home all day, cooking, cleaning, doing laundry, and taking care of the kids, you’re working full time too. At the end of the workday, everything should be split between the parents. Meaning, if he comes home to the laundry done, the house clean, and dinner ready, he should realize you have worked all day as well. What you need to do is put your foot down. Get on a routine and stick to it. He works during the day, you cook/clean/laundry all day. When he gets home, the family has dinner together. After dinner, you do some TV time with the family, then while you bathe the kids, he gets jammies and snacks ready. You both tuck the kids in, then you spend an hour with just the two of you, shower and bed. If he isn’t willing to help at home, then you go get a job, put the kids in daycare/after-school care. So when you both get home, you’ve both worked all day/all week, and he has zero excuses to help around the house and with the kids. Another alternative is to go on strike. Stop cooking and cleaning and doing laundry. Just tend to the kids. And when he mentions it, you tell him you were busy with the kids and he can cook dinner/clean/do laundry. As for weekends, you can spend them as a family, or you can say Saturday is his relax day and Sunday is your relax day. You have to tell him how you feel, stand your ground, and demand help and personal time."
"Tell him to step up. When he’s off work, he’s not “off”. He shifts from employee to dad/husband the second he walks through that door. Shoot, working moms don’t get off work and decide that they’re just not going to parent or be a wife (if they are one). We still have to come home, get everyone fed, clean, make sure homework is done, etc no matter how stressful work was. While he’s at work, it is your responsibility to feed and take care of your kiddo and clean up after them but the second he gets home, it’s no longer a you responsibility it’s a WE responsibility. You should not be doing 100% of the child-rearing and home duties, even as a stay-at-home mom."
"Speak up or it gets worse. If he doesn’t change then I'd reconsider the relationship. Just because he works doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to parent. Playing for an hour isn’t enough. A mom's job never ends."
"Have a conversation with him about how you need him to help with bath time, getting kids into pjs, and into bed before he goes to bed. Or say, would you rather do the dishes and clean the kitchen or give the kids a bath and do the night routine? On the weekend tell him you will be leaving to do whatever you want to and then go. He will be forced to tsk care of the kids, even if he doesn’t clean the house, that’s a few hours you don’t have to worry about it"
"Don’t stay home all day. You go get a job, you’ll get out then. Find a sitter or get one around his schedule if possible. You can get out and get a job, you’re not obligated to stay at home all day every day. I use to stay home all day every day for years and it had me in deep depression so I got a job and I’m soooo much better!!"
"When I went back to work, it felt like a vacation! I worked way harder at home, being on call 24/7 for every little thing, than I ever have, while on my feet, doing manual labor for 12-hour shifts. Staying at home is way harder work, and you deserve a break on his days off. If he objects, try getting a part-time job on the weekends, and let him parent the kids without you for a few hours a week. The job will feel like a break for you."
"It’s sad that most of us on here feel like having a job is like “ vacation “ look what we’ve been conditioned to think/feel. I know it all too well the few jobs I’ve had was so nice to get out of the house make my own money and get a dam break from kids. Most of us get no help with anything and that’s what makes it so hard. But when a woman works outside the home the second she’s off work and goes home it’s back to work with no help while the man can relax cuz HE worked all day. What a joke"
"You don’t need to clean all day. And being a sahm mom does not mean you can’t ever leave and do things. He should also be helping more when he is home. Did you guys discuss expectations before agreeing to be a sahm? If not, you really need to sit down and talk about it."
"You need to have a nice long conversation with your partner about the distribution of labor in your household. You cannot be expected to continue to pour from an empty teapot. You need time to fill yourself up. Seek couples counseling if you need guidance."
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