I have a four year old son, and his father has been incarcerated since he was two years old. He was in his life prior to his incarceration and planned to be when he gets out. He has two years remaining in his sentence. My son and his father speak on the phone about 2x a week. I’ve been telling him his father has been “working.” I’m having a hard time deciding if I should tell him the truth as I know it is bad to lie to children. Right now, his belief is “bad people go to jail” I don’t want him to think his father is a bad guy just that he made a bad decision. I also don’t know if he is too young for me to tell him. If you had a four-year-old in this situation, would you continue to tell him his father is working, or would you tell him his father is in jail? And what age do you think you’d tell him? Thank you
Hes too young for adult conversation and adult topics
That’s a hard one! Four is such a innocent age. He may not understand and get confused. Maybe seek a professional advice. Good luck.
Hes 4 all u have to say is hes far away and isnt able to see him. Maybe build up to the jail thing. Or have a convo that good ppl make mistakes and go to jail and arent bad ppl. Then say thats where his dad is. Keep it simple.
They will perceive it differently because they are too young to understand it on an adult level
I need more information. He’s doing a 4 year sentence for?
Ok, so you aren’t lying to him. His dad is working on repaying his debt to society for the bad choices he made. 4 is such tender age.
Keep it simple ,he is working
It depends on your child’s capacity of understanding. Some littles are very aware and understand at even that young. Also depends on what he did to get locked up. You don’t want to confuse the child with bad people and people who make poor decisions.
I think you should tell him 
He’s going to find out eventually anyway. You can break it down and tell him in a more appropriate way.
I don’t think his father being in a jail is an “adult topic and adult conversation” that’s just silly. Children are smart. They understand things just like we do.
Just be honest with him. Explain to him the good people go to jail sometimes because they made a poor decision. Use it as a learning conversation. You can teach him to make smart choices so he doesn’t go to jail.
Went through something Simi like that except he didnt want anything to do with her. I made excuse until she “found” evidence from the other side that he was talking to them from prison. She didnt speak to me for 2 months without glares or crying (she was about 5 when he left. Learned this when she was 11) honesty depends on age but every kid reacts differently hon.
This happened to me. Stayed at my aunt/uncle’s on weekends but he was never around. Aunt told me he was working. Didn’t know he was in joliet st. Prison until i was in my 40’s!!!
When my stepsons mom went to prison I simply told him that his mom went to jail because she broke the law. When you break the law you go to jail. He asked did she cut down a tree? I said no she did something more serious than that so she had to have her consequence for her choice.
It was his level of understanding. It didn’t give more details than necessary. We raised him with knowing choices have consequences so he understood that.
It was enough for him. He didn’t care about details really.
I would tell him the truth.Its better than him finding out the truth on his own and resenting you for lieing to him. Can you take him to visit his father ? Then he can have that contact.
I have 3 kids whos father got locked up while I was prego with the youngest. The other 2 were 1 year and 7 when he got locked up. The younger 2 were told where he was when they first started asking. They were 3 and 4ish.
I explained that when adults ate naughty and make bad choices they go to time out just like kids, but its grown up time out called jail. When they asked what he did, i told them.
Just word things in a way your child can understand. My ex went to prison for theft, so i told them he took somebody elses stuff without permission.
As they got older and asked other questions, i stayed truthful and honest 100%. My boys are now 20, 13, and 12. Their dad was out for a while and is now in again. They have all let it be known that they liked i was always up front with them and didnt hide the truth. Its hard to tell your child to be honest with you when they learn that you werent honest with them. Just my opinion.
Lots of luck, def not an easy situation.
I’d leave it as it is…Hes to young in my opinion and if his dad is goung to be in his life why make him think badly of him?? Hope things work out for yous
4 is too young for that kind of truth. Telling him he is working is just fine right now. At this point it’s just a little white lie. We need those in life sometimes.
You need to sit and example buy being honest with your child. If he was told the truth in the beginning .You wouldn’t be having this conversation. Now you have to backstop and tell him the truth . 8 think you learned a hard lesson. Hey! Children don’t come with instructions. We have to learn alone the way
Continue with the “working” story for now. When he is older and dad is home, you can explain and answer any questions he may have. I feel at 4, telling the whole truth would be too much to comprehend.
He’s too young to understand…
I would make it his father’s job to tell him.
Just say I will tell you more when you older . I used to say this to my daughter. Although it’s different situation. I was separated to her dad and leaving in different countries.
No if u feel u need to tell him wait til he older so he will understand better and wait til his father out of jail wat he dont onow wont hurt him somethings are better left unsaid
I think u should wait till hes a little older to understand a out his dad being.i. jail and many.people unfortunately are sent to.jail very innocent and shouldnt be. Wait until.henis out of jail your husband is home.disscus it with.him but not now goodluck
- Introduce and create understanding e.g.
You: You see the way sometimes you make decisions that make me put you in time out? Like if you don’t …(give example) and you get … minutes in time out?
Baby: yes
1b: Test understanding
You: Tell me what other mistakes can make mummy not happy.
Baby: (gives examples)
You: Affirm baby (Good job)
- Relate it to adults
You: Well, when mummy and daddy make mistakes they get time out too. (Give relatable examples eg when mummy doesn’t wear her seat belt etc)
2b: Test understanding of right and wrong
You: Can you give me other examples that can make mummy and Daddy get adult time out?
Baby: (gives examples)
You: Affirm baby (great)
- Speak the truth
You: I want you to know mummy and daddy always try to do their best but sometimes it’s not easy. I want to be honest with you because you are a big boy now. Daddy did a mistake and is now in adult time out just for a little while.
You: (emphasize the positive) He will continue to talk to you on the phone and you can even write letters and send him pictures anytime you want)
You: (reassure) Mummy and Daddy love you very much and nothing will ever change that.
3b: Test understanding
You: Do you have any questions or something you want to say?
Allow baby’s emotions to be expressed.
God speed to you.
Tough call but personally I would wait… 4 is too young to understand alot of things. Yes you’re lying to him at the moment, but telling him the truth isnt going to be helpful. I’d wait until hes a bit older and discuss with him then… or if dad gets out and is a goody two shoes after release, maybe not tell the child until hes an adult himself
I think he is too young to understand. Keep saying he is working. Explain when he is closer to an adult… if you have to. It may not be an issue later in life.
He’s 4, he doesn’t need to know his dad’s in jail. Just keep saying he’s at work
Tell him just that…Daddy made some bad decisions and has to spend some time away. When his time is up he will come see you.
I think leave things as is and let his father tell him when he’s older. Like at least 12 or so.
I’m big one honesty with my kiddos. No matter how young I try to explain how they can understand. I never want them thinking I lied to them. They lose trust
My son is 7 and his dad has been incarcerated since he was 3 months old. When he began to ask questions I broke it down for him like this: “You know how you go to timeout for not following the rules? Well grownups have rules to follow too and just like you, when grownups break the rules, it’s very serious because they are grownups and know the right and wrong thing to do. So they have to go to grownup timeout, which is away from their families and sometimes it can be for a long time depending on how big of a rule it was they broke and how serious it is.”
I hope this helps!!! My son had a better understanding of it when I explained it to him that way.
To young… say he is working or something
idk i feel like if he understands things i would tell them. Esp if he plans to be in his life i wouldnt want them thinking he was just out here not worrying about them. He made bad decisins and it could also be a lesson to him of what could happen if he makes bad decisions. But thats just me 
My nephew told everyone he was away at college. Dont tell him any different.
DON’T TELL HIM zI have a great grandson his father was in jail we didn’t tell he is out don’t bother with him sad when his head is out of drugs he spends time with his other kid real sad
He’s too young in my opinion. Continue telling him he’s away working. Maybe wait till he’s old enough to understand before telling him his dad was incarcerated.
My daughter knew her dad was in jail when she was that age. She’s always been a daddys girl. We went to visit monthly. ive always been upfront about it. Daddy made poor choices so he has to be here to learn from those choices. he’s been in jail on and off for more than half of her life though.
My dad is in prison and i havent told my kids he is there. I just tell him he is in a special hospital getting better bcuz he made some stupid choices. My kids are 14,12,11,10,9,7,6,3 and 2. Technically he is in the health care unit in the prison but i dont want my kids to think any different of their papa. He is an amazing papa and dad he just got caught up in some stupid stuff and made bad decisions. Ur son is 4 he wont understand if u decide to tell him differently. It might however be a good conversation to have when he is older and can process everything better.
Personally, I am a very open and honest person even with my child. I also wouldn’t want my child to think telling lies is ok and when he learns the truth he could be hurt that you lied to him.
Being honest with your son will teach him to be honest
I wouldn’t tell him much more then “I’m not sure” or something very vague and basic. He’s only 4. Your gonna fuck him up if you give him too many heavy emotions to process at once… childhood trauma is real and painful.
My boyfriend went to jail after being around my son (he was 3), my son considered him his dad, I never told him he was in jail, I told him he was working, he’s 9 soon to be 10 now, and he knows he’s been in jail, but knows he’s not a bad person for it.
Maybe start by slowly introducing him to the idea that good people sometimes make bad decisions, and that there are consequences for bad choices. Teach him with simple examples and as soon as he understands the concept you can tell him daddy made a wrong choice and had to go somewhere to make up for it or something like that… Otherwise let daddy tell him when he comes home. But definitely first make sure he understands that we’re human and make wrong choices. It will also teach him that choices always has consequences. Good life lesson
I didn’t tell my daughter her dad was in jail until she was around 4-5. when she started asking about where he was. I also told her " he wasn’t around because he made bad choices and so he’s somewhere to get better. But she is very smart and put 2 and 2 together. ." Sadly alot of kids go through this and she heard about other kids parent being in jail in school.
I like the idea that Holly in above comments has–he is in time out for grown ups–no need to use the term jail or prison at this age, you can use language that he can understand but should not ever lie to kids.
I have 4yo her father and I are married so she talks to him everyday but he got incarcerated 3 months b4 she turn 3 and also 1500 miles away from home. But while we would take advantage of every visit while he was home we never lied to her she knows daddy is in jail on grown up time out because he made bad choices waaay before she was born. She believes “bad people” go to jail but we had to explain to her that daddy is not a bad person he just made a bad choice… You just have to break it down to their level of understanding… And she know that the “police” will let him come home when his time is up and she’s doesn’t ask any other questions. She knows they can’t keep her daddy for ever and he’ll be home soon!
I dont think you should lie tell him the truth at age level…like daddy is in big boy time out or something hes not gonna continue to believe his dad is always working for 2 more years come in now that lie is running out fr. And will only teach him that to little lies are okay 
I have a four year old, and honesty is the best policy. I’d tell him daddy got in trouble and had to go away for a while but that they will still talk on the phone and y’all can draw pictures and send him etc if y’all can idk how that works. But I don’t lie to my kiddos. There’s a way to make it age appropriate while also being honest.
Depends on why he was incarcerated. I would wait until the little one can actually understand the full picture. Maybe into teenage years or adulthood, if ever. You don’t tell your child EVERYTHING you did bad in your life.
If you don’t tell her, someone else sure will. Parents talk around their kids and all you need is for one of those kids to be the one to tell her.
Don’t tell him. No reason to hurt the poor child’s innocence. There children for a reason there not meant to deal with adult problems so why make them carry that weight too?
When I was little my dad was in and out of jail most my childhood I still had phone calls with him and they told me he was working. It was best for me for them to tell me he was working then as I got older they eventually told me he was in jail. It never changed my feelings about my dad I think most kids will love their parents regardless
It depends on if YOU think he’s old enough, mentally especially. I have a 4 yo son, if I were in that situation honestly, I wouldn’t tell him because I don’t think hes mentally ready. So it’s really up to you x
I believe in honesty. My kids father is in jail snd they know it. I told them: daddy did something stupid and is in jail
My daughters dad was in jail at that age with her i didnt lie to her always told her the truth about it
I would not tell him about jail,
I would be as honest as possible without telling him you’ve lied to him previously… He loves his dad so its probably goung to be easier for him to understand that good people make bad choices and have to face the consequences when this is about someome he cares for and loves. Obviously tell this to him in a way he will understand. All 4yos have different understandings of things. You make the best choice of words for your son. Good luck!
Have his dad tell him on the phone himself. don’t do it for him is all I have to say about that
He is working while he’s in there. That’s not a lie
I wouldn’t… daddy is working is sufficient for his age. And he’ll still be young enough when he gets out to have a good relationship. Let his dad tell him when he’s older.
I believe in being honest but I also knew my daughter was ready to know where her “father” was at the time. He didn’t have anything to do with her but when she started asking. You can explain that he isn’t a bad person he just made a bad decision and there are always consequences for actions.
Yea, you gotta tell him.
If his father does come back into his life let him tell the boy If not excuses from him will only confuse the situation further. When you feel he is gone you tell the boy
He’s 4 save him the worries. Daddy is over seas at work
My daughter’s biological father has been in prison since two weeks after she turned 1. She’ll be 9 next month. We (meaning me and his family) have been 100% honest from the start. He even got out for 6-8 months when she was 5 and ended up going back due to HIS OWN mistakes. As she’s gotten older, I’ve given her more information about his and my own past transgressions, I’m honest with her about the fact that he and I are drug addicts (I have almost 5 years clean, but being an addict is for life). And she’s aware that in order for him to get out and stay out HE has to make better choices, and HIS ACTIONS are in no way a reflection on her. She speaks to him on the phone when she’s visiting her grandparents, and she writes him letters. I even wrote them for her when she was younger. I do my best to not allow any negative comments about him in front of her, I trust her to make her own decision about him when the time comes. I say all this to end with, in spite of it all she LOVES and CARES for him deeply. She prays for him every night.
Only tell him what he will understand for his age
If you want to tell him, I’d say something along the lines of “you know how when you’re in trouble, you get put in time out-“(idk if you do this or not)”-well being in jail is time out for adults and daddy is in jail because he got in trouble”
When my daughter asked about her dad at 3 I said “he did something naughty. He’s in adult time-out.” Me and him were not together, though. We had already split ways several months prior and he wasn’t/still isn’t involved with us. I’ve just been very careful about how I talk about him around her because I don’t want to put ideas in her head or risk her feeling like part of her is wrong just because two adults that weren’t good together are her parents. She’s almost ten now and she knows adult time out means jail now. She doesn’t know why he was there though (drugs). She doesn’t really ask about him anymore, though, either.
The one person in life that should ALWAYS be honest is a mother…
Just sayin!!
My 7 year old grandsons mom is in jail and he doesn’t know. He rarely talks to her and doesn’t even ask about her.
Start correcting him that not bad people go to jail bad choices send people to jail.
Too young to know the truth
I used to work visitation at the Sheriff’s Office. I would work Saturday’s and Sunday’s so that families could have non contact visits for 30 minutes. Worst story ever was the mom telling her kid they were at the hospital to see daddy who is sick. I can’t imagine that ship wreck the first time the kid got sick and had to go to the hospital. Truth over lies.
Tell him whatever you are comfortable telling him.
I have learned in my life that you should tell your kids the truth and not keep things from them.
My oldest son just turned 4 and i have an 11 month old also. The last 9 months. Their dad was in prison. The baby isn’t young to understand (he was only a month old) but my 4 year old always asked and talked to him. I just told him that daddy was in jail bc he was bad. He got out last month and he’s been the happiest little boy since. He sees him every week.
He doesn’t see him??
I would be honest and tell him. Kids are smarter than they’re given credit for. You obviously dont have to tell him everything. Keep it simple for a four year old to understand. Unfortunately theres no way to tell how he will handle things in either aspect of telling or not telling, but I feel it’s better to be keep discussion open. Let him ask questions and answer to the best of your ability.
I’d be honest “dad made some bad choices and he is making up for that”
You’re doing a great job, mama! Credit to you!!
I think that maybe first you should make sure he understands that sometimes good people make mistakes and that they can end up in jail. That it doesn’t necessarily make them bad. So if you do choose to tell him (he will absolutely find out eventually) he can understand that his father isnt a bad man just one who made bad choices.
Bad choices, grownup time out.
My son was a baby when his dad was in jail. He knew right away where he was and why he was there, but I only said he was there cuz of being naughty etc.
Change the narrative to people who make bad choices go to jail.
My brother was in jail last year and my daughter who is that age knew where he was. They were really close and he lived with us so she was always asking. She knows bad people go to jail but I explained that he wasn’t bad he just made a mistake and had to be punished, I explained it like her being in time out. He was only in for a couple months though so it was a little easier.
I think its always best to be honest with our children.
We teach them to be honest so we must model honesty. One lie always leads to another. Our little humans deserve the truth just as we do!
First what happens to him when he makes a bad choice,at 4 i think he probably understands bad choices, so to tell him he s in adult(time out or naughty mat, or whatever your actions and consequences are for him and also remember that whatever you tell him and someone asks him wheres your dad he will say whatever you told him
Good luck and hope it helps
If you celebrate Christmas, Easter etc., you lie to him about Santa and the Easter bunny, if you plan on giving him money and telling him the tooth fairy came, it’s the same, why? Because it’s a magical perception that you give to your child so that he can have his childhood be a magical time, and you know what? His psyche isn’t going to take it in as a lie, someday looking back he will see it as a gift you gave to him to allow a relationship to form with his father without judgement or bias of being a “bad guy.” Don’t take the magic away from him, by telling him where his dad really is. Just like Santa and the Easter bunny there will come a day when it all comes out.
My brother was in prison for a few years, I know this is my brother and not my daughters father, but we were always honest with her about where he was and why he was there. Even at 4 they will understand it. And just like others have said bad choices put you in jail and prison not necessarily bad people. Be honest with him he will understand even at 4. And if he was in his life and plans to be back in it then he isn’t a bad father. Just be honest with him.
So I actually went through this as a kid and at 4 hes probably not gonna understand it…I say tell him the truth if he wonders about it later on in life but for now keep it simple.
Both of my boys knew their dad was in jail before I did. Be honest. He will Question why you lied. And saying you did that to protect him. Will only raise doubt in things you may or may not say in the future.
Congratulations sweetheart!!!
I would be honest but explain it in an age appropriate way and not toamy details, like daddy was naught and made a mistake so he’s got to spend a while in adults time out
I dont agree. I tell my 3 almost 4 year old daughter her dad is away at work because she understands work. She doesnt understand jail and im not gna put that on her. She may ssk why i lied, and when shes old enough to understand i will tell her. I doubt highly it will raise ant issues in the future as she will understand that we do what we think is best for our children. I am not going to explain to her that “bad” people go to jail bc i dont want her to worry shes gna go to jail if she ever thinks she did something “bad”. Theres bo reason to add that stress on her. Shes almost 4, ima let her keep her innocence and let her learn and grow as she wants. Im not gna take all that away from her. Shell learn some day but for now, i just want her to be a happy lil preschooler! 
Tell the truth. Have a conversation to explain guys mistake.
Let daddy explain . He’s not a bad dad. He just done bad stuff. And you have to pay the consequences. Most 4 year olds comprehend more thàn we realize. My granddaughter did and I always took her to visit him. So she can see he’s ok . Just my opinion.
I call it time out. I’ll probably be telling my daughter about her daddy going back to time out all her life so I started young
Kati sounds like a good way to express it. I didn’t tell kids there Parents were working. I just said they would be there as soon as they could.
My granddaughter was four when this happened to her. And her therapist said you should never lie to a child, cause when they find out the truth they can learn not to trust you. You explain in a four year old way, not lying