QUESTION: How long is too long to care for someone’s kids?
"I’m going to call them “mom” and “caregiver”. So a mom I know just lost a child, and someone I also know is the caregiver of the 2 other children this mom has, as when the baby came home from a stay in the hospital, came home as a hospice baby. So to help out Caregiver has had the children since baby came home. Well now the baby has passed on.
Caregiver has been taking care of the 2 children mentioned, well before mom had the hospice baby as she would drop them off with caregiver to go party or do whatever else she wanted. Well being as hospice baby has passed, the caregiver is still the one taking care of the 2 living children. I know, everyone grieves differently but…the mom is now going out of state to “clear her mind” and leaving her 2 children she still has with the caregiver to care for now until when/if she comes back…
In my opinion the situation is unfair to the caregiver, I feel like now, more than ever, mom would want the children surrounding her during this time. I think mom should be ready to take her already kids back and be the one to care for them at this point. Am I wrong to think that or what?"
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TOP ANSWERS (AS SELECTED BY MODERATOR):
Community Answers
The following top answers have been selected by a moderator from hundreds of responses to the original question.
“The caregiver should look into medical rights if mom is taking off to “clear her mind”.”
“I have been in this situation. My twin girls passed away at 36 weeks due to medical neglect I have yet to grieve because of the fact that I have had take care of my kids by myself. I would have done anything to be able to grieve properly and not have my kids around even if it was only for a few days. I pray that u never have to go through losing a child and see how hard it is to grieve while taking care of ur other kids.”
“Stay out of it. If the caregiver is feeling burnt out or that their boundaries are being crossed then they can speak up. It is not your place to speculate or even be posting about this woman and her family.”
“None of your concern. Why would you even post their business publicly.”
“If caregiver is feeling burnt out (emotionally, financially) then all you can do is support them. If you’re the caregiver, talk to mum about how you’re feeling as well as reassuring that you still want to continue to help. Maybe having the kids part-time rather than full time would be beneficial & you slowly wean to the kids being with their mum full time. I sense a little judgment towards the mum partying, please don’t do that. We all need a break from our lives. There’s no rule book for these kinds of things and everyone’s feelings are valid. Just need to find the compromise. A grievance counselor is a great idea for the children as they’ve lost a sibling and probably aren’t understanding why they’re not with their mum.”
“Everyone grieves differently. Let her grieve the loss of her baby. Unless the caregiver has said something then its not your business.”
“Speaking as someone who has lost and buried their child. If the caregiver is a relative and is ok with it then there is nothing wrong with her leaving and taking time for herself. Losing my child put me into such a deep depression and it was physically hard for me to take care of my other child. I had help while i got through it thankfully. If you havent lost a child then honestly you shouldnt have an opinion because it’s a whole nother level of hurt that no one could possibly understand unless they have been there themself.”
“I didn’t have help to look after my autistic son when my daughter died. I was a mess after it happened, we didn’t have a stable home and my fiance at the time and I had just moved state, were living in a motel and broke up not long after. My son and I were destroyed and hanging on by a thread. We’re still picking up the pieces of our bond 9yrs later because neither of us had time to grieve with constant moving around for years after that. Someone to help would have been amazing around that time and we wouldn’t have suffered as much as we did after her death.”
“Maybe the caregiver wants too? It’s really not hard to say no. Unless you yourself are an involved party then I’d definitely stay out of it - it sounds like the mom is going through a really rough time and the kids are definitely better off for the time being.”
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