I’ll play devils advocate here, but 20 years is a long time to be with someone. Maybe some new attention is really all he was looking for. Not every situation, relationship, or person is the same. If you want your relationship to work, tell him the steps he will have to take with you to make it work. If you believe you can never forgive this, never trust him, and will always hold this grudge, it is better to walk away. But, everyone makes mistakes.
That being said, I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I hope that whatever you decide to do gives you the peace that you need. 
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Sorry 0nce a cheat always one.Leave the trust is gone.
I’d leave I’m in a 15 year relationship now fuck that
Until you are tired of forgiving
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It’s still cheating just by the act .
Leave. Similar situation… I stayed. The trust never came back for me and now I am lost and thinking I made the wrong choice to stay.
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Tell him you want to go to a couples therapy retreat to start fresh and new The first thing they do is give polygraph (lie detector) test, you know, to start clean and all the truths will be there. Of course you would rather know now so you’re not blind sided. This is how I got his REAL truth. Of course it was just ONE time many years ago!!! I always thought it was just the texts and “harmless” stuff. I got the truth. I tried the counseling and therapy but it just some how seemed like all of it was my fault. He claims he went to individual therapy but quickly found excuses why he didn’t need to go and would heal so much better at home with me and the kids. A year later I found more crap and that time it was a coworker. Previously it was only internet chats and the ONE time on a business trip. You can try the therapy but if I were you I’d start setting $$$ aside and if you’re not employed get a job fast, also make sure he’s not charging up credit cards. Make sure to keep all options open. Best of luck, I hope for you it was all just this one thing and he does change. Previous posters are saying it will never be the same, they are correct! It will nag at you in the back of your mind and that is what I couldn’t live with!
Counseling is necessary at this point.
Counseling ASAP and a really good one
I think situations like this you can’t ask people what to do. Only you yourself knows what you can or will put up with or let go of and move past. Everyone has there own limits on what they can put up with. Now with that being said, I’d just keep talking. Keep expressing how you are feeling in the moment of feeling it and don’t hold back. And same for him. If you guys want to work it out then you will. I hope you find closure in this heart break and can move on happily with or without him because his poor choice reflect nothing in you as a person. People cheat because of something inside of themselves and not because they lack something from us. Real adults talk about issues and communicate. I hope it works out for you.
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Atleast he acknowledged his mistake. Imagine trying to make it work without that. That distrust runs deep and will never go away. You sill just sit in sadness and disappointment. Putting your life on hold emotionally waiting for the other shoe to fall.
From a similar experience 20 yrs together,10 yrs married with 3 kids. Cheating under any circumstances is not acceptable and my almost ex husband knew that was a firm boundary when he started his conversation with his mistress. This is not a question anyone can answer for you only you know how much you can take and forgive.
You tolerate what you allow. When you get tired of it you will leave. It’s all on you.
excuse me, but are you absolutely perfect? Never made a mistake in your life? He said he is willing to go to counseling alone or with you, so try that first before you throw 20 years away.
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Only your heart knows what to do. If you need to talk I’ve been in your same situation. My husband and I have been married 5 yrs and together 16. We have been through hell
He’s willing to “do anything “ except stop communication with her. He knew what her intentions were the first time around. If he was sorry and if it was nothing he should have blocked the number or at least idk not kept talking to her!
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Counseling, just because he’s a good guy. But don’t let it happen again, make sure you have a backup plan.
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I couldn’t forgive that … I like attention but I like it from the man I’ve been married to for 21 years … I don’t need validation from.strangers that I am attractive…
If he hadn’t accidentally texted you he would be still texting her
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I was once in same situation as you. My ex of 19 years was the same. I forgave him and tried again. It only got worse. He created new accounts etc. The final straw was 6;years ago when I found he had an Instagram account And there were messages exchanges and photos to at least 33 different women. Some very disgusting. I called it quits as he obviously couldn’t stop. Sorry this has happened to you. I no the hurt
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I think we as women forget men have feeling too… he got wrapped in the attention is what he communicated so show your husband more attention…
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I’d leave. My current bf/baby daddy of now 4 years had done a LOT similar and I honestly wish I left sooner because it all kills me still now and I’m miserable.
Don’t rush into anything drastic. Give it time. You might want to see a counselor on your own to work on how you are feeling. In the day of instantaneous connection with electronic communication, it’s hard to know what to think. Personally, he owned up to it, and admitted what he did, which is good. Depending on how old you two are, maybe deleting your instagram accounts is a start. Any other social media accounts need to be transparent for both of you. Don’t throw 20 years of being together away because you’re angry.
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Hes sorry he got caught but if he actually said he’d do anything to save the marriage delete the social media. Block her have all hands for his phone. If he has nothing to hide and really willing to work on it I’d say this is fair. I’ve dealt with the same thing. There is always evidence of what is going on. So you can see anything with a little digging. Maybe deleting all social media period. Blocking her through your phone service. Making him be the big man and let her know he is married and loves his wife happy wife happy life and his kids. He don’t want to ruin that.
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He has done it more than once no mistake, he knew what he was doing. Now he is caught he is playing petty ole me. Nah 
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Not everyone stays nor does everyone go! In this case, I don’t think anyone can tell what to do because maybe not all one shoe fits all. However from experience my spouse broke trust horribly and he had to earn it back. Truthfully he slept downstairs in his own room for months. He had to earn it back it wasn’t going to be just given back. It had to be hard, there for he knew my forgiveness wasn’t something I could give again… but you do what’s best for you!
People are sorry when they get caught doing something they shouldn’t be. They aren’t sorry when they are doing it. I have learned that. I am in no shape to be giving advice so I’m not. But how much are you willing to tolerate? And what if it happens again? Why is he doing it? Those are all questions rolling around and then some. I wish you the best
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Take his phone and take a selfie of the two of you send it to her
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I lasted 47 yrs. Don’t throw away your life on a cheater. I wiah I had left when I was young. They won’t change!!!
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Lots of speculation and filling in the gaps in the comments. At the end of the day, every marriage has hard no’s. Those things that you are willing to walk away from your marriage for. Only you can decide what your hard no’s are. Only you know your husbands character, his emotional investment to your family and only you know the love and respect you both share with each other. Marriage is ever changing, evolving and takes continual work, communication, compromise and forgiveness.
What he did was wrong, no doubt. He should not be flirting with another over any period of time. However, flirtation, attention seeking behaviors do not necessarily lead to physical acts. If you still have feelings for your husband, attend counseling, together and apart, set boundaries and tell him exactly how his actions made you feel. Ask why he did it, and do not allow him to get away with idk (therapy is a great place to discuss the difficult conversations because you have a mediator). At the end, only you two can decide if can move past this but you will be forever connected through your children. If you decide you cannot continue your marriage to him, hopefully through counseling you can learn to be amazing co-parents/ co-grandparents. Forgiveness is for you, not the other person. Learning to release your anger, hurt, etc will bring you peace.
I wish you all the best 
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the issue is, you keep forgiving him… so he keeps doing it, cuz you won’t do anything about it… hes the problem & you staying shows him you’re weak…
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Go to therapy by yourself and sort your feelings. Do counseling with him so that you can forgive and find closure (which is helpful whether you end up staying together or splitting up).
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Flirting and talking to another women behind your back is cheating. For me, that’s the end. There is no excuse good enough for me that allows for that behavior if you love someone.
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How exactly would you get someone’s number off Instagram? That sounds like a lie in itself. If he is caught and still can’t admit the whole truth, what is the point?
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Ask yourself (or him)… if that text hadn’t gone to you, would he have stopped? Would he have come clean? In my experience it only gets worse, but girl you know your marriage, and you know what your heart is telling you. Listen to it and be kind to yourself.
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Go for counselling and get to the root of why this happened in the first place.
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20 years is a long time to throw down the drain due to inappropriate conversation. Try the therapy. Might help both of yall
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He isn’t sorry he did this. He is sorry he got caught.
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Do individual therapy and then do marriage counseling, from there see where you are in a year and make a decision
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My psychology professor had us write letters to those who hurt us. Letters they will never read, it was for ourselves. It was an attempt to put all our feelings on the table to “get them out”. It helped some. Maybe try writing down everything you’re feeling to avoid becoming bitter in your marriage. It’s going to hurt for a long time. Long after you forgive him, it’ll still be there That’s what so many people don’t understand, forgiveness doesn’t wipe the hurt party’s slate clean, it only clears the offender’s. The person hurt is still hurt and is left trying to fix it. You said he owned up to it, but you seem to not know all the details. Personally, I need every detail to move on. It is good he owned up to it, and is willing to fix it though. However, make sure he sticks to that. So many people “want to fix it” then when the dust settles they don’t commit to that.
Trust is so easy to lose and so hard to build back. I’m not sure it will ever come back, at least not the same as it was.
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Dam right he’s only sorry because he got caught out !! You keep on forgiving him the more he will do these things because he’s walking all over you an knows you will do nothing about it he’s already cheated by talking to her !!
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20 years is a long time to be with someone and a long time to make mistakes and be forgiven. That’s marriage. Yes what he did was hurtful and inappropriate but he is willing to do whatever he needs to to save your marriage. Go to therapy together and see how you feel after that. No one is perfect and if you still love him, try working it out in therapy. Good luck.
Don’t let anyway influence you by these posts, only you know your husband and your marriage.
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This dude sounds like he is playing with fire and he knew what he was doing is wrong and continued to do it. I understand working on your marriage for other things that don’t have to do with cheating. He cheated and it’s unfortunate that he doesn’t love you, he is just comfortable with his daily routine, and men addicted to outside attention do not ever stop. They have an addiction. So it’s up to you whether you’re willing to put up with it. It sounds like you know better though. Think about those children, and if he has a daughter.
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Hmmm this is hard for me 
on one hand I’m like that’s definitely a marriage that’s been going on for a long time and to just throw it away would suck. Not that it’s a reason to stay by any means. You can always try counseling as a couple and maybe see if there’s anything that can come from that long term and if not then obviously it’s time to file. Trust is a huge thing. If you don’t trust him anymore that’s something to take into consideration. Personally I don’t ever find other men’s attention attractive it just makes me uncomfortable and he honestly should have blocked her on everything and moved on when he first felt uncomfortable. Sorry if I’m not any help lol just definitely weigh everything out for your own piece of mind. I wouldn’t worry about anything else but you and your kids.
“How many times do I keep forgiving him for things?” soooo what else has he done? That’s a hard one. I know if my husband did that to me I would be suspicious every time he got on his phone after that, and not to mention if my husband who I’ve been with almost 7 years felt the need to get attention from another woman I would look into my marriage and see what issues have arisen.
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Maybe he shouldn’t be on social media if he can’t respect you and your marriage. I’m not actually blaming social media, but if he can’t stay faithful due to what is on there or who contacts him, it’s time to let it go.
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Try to give him more attention. That’s what’s he is saying he needs. The trust issue might need counseling, unless you can come up with some sort of agreement. I had an issue with my husband on Snapchat. He no longer uses Snapchat. That was our agreement. So far things have been better and the issue was a while ago. The trust thing definitely takes time to recover from. Social media is just baiting people in my opinion…. I don’t use Snapchat, Instagram, tiktok, or none of that crap. I have Facebook and that’s it and I barely use it.
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Stop forgiving. He’s not your child. Move on honey. Move on.
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At least he didn’t meet her in a hotel room , I would forgive and forget if it was me let’s just hope he learned his lesson as well …
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Dude just leave already. Cheating ONCE is enough to ruin the relationship forever. You can’t go back after that.
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A mistake is doing it once, making the same “mistake” after the first time is a choice! It ultimately is your choice to stay and forgive or to go to counseling or leave. There is something that needs to be addressed either way.
Try therapy first. You need to know most men don’t think about the stupid stuff they are doing like staying out with friends later than they said they would. We all like attention when was the last time you flirted with him? When was the last time you told him about the good things he does? When did you last make him feel loved and desired? You both should do the above for each other daily. Ever stop and think about what you are doing wrong to make him seek attention elsewhere? What has he had to forgive you for. Are you so perfect you have never made a mistake? Unless there is abuse I personally feel it is always best to work out problems, considering he brought up therapy it worth trying if it does not work at least there was an attempt to fix things far better than just giving up.
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My husband recently did this on tik tok and flipped out he thinks it’s nothing to be upset bout but the girl he texted back was a ex so I feel like he don’t validate my feelings I have no advice for you as I am almost in the same boat as you
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Counseling sounds good
The same thing happened to me my husband and I was married for 19 years at the time and he started talking to this woman and he said that he was just having fun until she threatened to tell me and he blocked her and told me about it. I forgave him and after a couple of years later he started talking to another woman and this time I found pictures of him sending to her and her sending to him, I forgave him again but now we are getting divorced because he found another one and this one he actually was physical with. So we are getting divorced after 25 years of marriage. I’m not saying your husband will do it again but I’m a firm believer that once he has done it and you have forgiven him he will continue to try and get away with because he knows you will forgive him and that makes him lose respect for you
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He’s entertained another woman end of ! He ALLOWED her to talk to him in that Manor. He is only sorry now because he got caught otherwise it would more than likely have continued .
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He may or may not do it again. But if he says he liked the attention then try to see your relationship his way. If you believe you have been attentive and giving him love then he is an ass and trying to cover it up. If you feel you have neglected your relationship get counseling. Find ways to reconnect. It’s entirely up to you if you choose to take that route. Don’t put the blame on yourself either if you think you have been occupied though. It takes two people. If he felt neglected he could’ve taken initiative to talk to you or spark up the old flame. If your tired of forgiving him then you have your answer. Trust is a hard thing to earn when it’s broken. You will have lots of doubt and feel insecure. Therapy for you both will help if you choose to continue.
Weird. His story is that she initiated, she sent the sexual content, and she reached out again after he “stopped”. Sounds like he isn’t actually taking any responsibility here. I’d want to see if his story is correct and see the messages and texts myself, but I’m sure those have been deleted… And I am super curious as to what he sent to you that he was trying to send to her. If it was anything other than “I told you to leave me alone” or “stop” then I don’t think I’d believe him
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No one sends a message to you by accident…he ment to send that message to you…
Times are very different now with social media, society as a whole is different as far as marriages and relationships go. The fact that you value honoring your vows says a lot about you.
This was no mistake. This was a choice that he made. Had he not sent the message to you accident, he’d still be making the same choice and messaging her. He may not have physically cheated on you, but he did mentally, verbally and emotionally cheat on you. Cheating is cheating. Honestly he will continue to do these things as long as you allow him to. He knows that you always forgive him so he will keep doing what he’s doing. Just remember what you allow will continue. Only you can stop forgiving him and only you can make the decision when enough is enough.
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If he’d do this, he’d do it all. I’d never believe him and I’d leave.
Yeah hes lyin this is perfect excuse for him to say he likes the attention maybe he should be givin his wife that attention I mean I talk alot of crap and my wife knows it and i tell her everything so that man is a liar makes us good men look bad he will keep doin it hes just sorry he got caught that’s why communication is key in a relationship if you cant communicate how you feel with your significant other than it’s all bad even if you pissed off at eachother you should still always be honest and truthful cause you might be losin someone good and healthy in your life for just a few mins every now and than…
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Just remember you still would of never known had he not messed up and sent you the message. Best wishes. Do what you feel is right and you deserve the world! Never settle for less
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What good is counseling unless both of you are present? I have been divorced since 1987. My x has been married since about that year. Life goes on.
I’m sorry but what woman is going to initiate and send sexual stuff without being encouraged? I’ve never thought a guy was hot enough to start sending him photos without him asking or feeling close to him emotionally… Also not even my bfs phone number popped up on Instagram for me. So he either has it public on his profile or he gave it to her. He’s bored and looking for attention. Get phone records. Demand passwords. It’s probably too late and he’s deleted proof. Look a this app store download history. His screenshots folder, etc. He’s not trustworthy. Id take the money and leave.
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I’m with other posters… she wouldn’t have started the conversation he would have unless she’s a fake. Speaking from experience He’s only told you about it because he got caught. Have you seen the messages that show she started it and where he told her no more? If not then I wouldn’t beleive him. Men have a habbit of blaming the other women and manipulating you to making you think your marriage was dull to get themselves out of the crap they put themselves in.
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Counseling for both and together. Don’t throw your marriage away
New phone numbers, block others. If person keeps it up report as stalking after he tells her crazy and decease
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Unless you want to do it forever, you get out. Bless you. You deserve so much more
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I understand the feeling of hurt that you feel. You are right, marriage is hard. It does take work. Sometimes when we are in committed relationships we forget all the love and attention that was always there in the beginning. Life gets busy…but…you can’t forget to be kind and fill eachother’s needs. That said, let’s take a look at this from a different perspective:
He owned up to his actions. He wants to make your marriage work. He is willing to do what it takes, and he admitted to you why he did it. You already know how to fix the problem…wow…you are a very lucky woman.
He told you he liked the attention he was receiving from that other woman.
This is an indication that as mentioned earlier, life has got busy and you have forgotten to be mindful of eachothers needs.
It is hard to forgive. But in this case, I would try to. I think he is worth it
Counseling. If he liked the attention, why?
There’s more going on under the surface of your marriage and it’s got to be addressed.
Either address it or blame him and leave.
Psychological studies, time and again, show that “cheating” isn’t as simple as “dog” or “whθГe”. There’s a deeper issue that needs to be addressed. There’s needs not being met. Ppl can say what they want but it’s science.
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Am I the only one that dosent think she should give up on her marriage so easily?! There’s 3 children here to think about… if the husband is willing to go to counseling & try save and earn back trust within the marriage. Shouldn’t they at least try before pulling the pin… I don’t agree with his actions whatsoever but I also grew up in a broken home & it was terrible!
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Well don’t share with other people. That’s the worst thing to do. They will know your business and be able to have opinions regarding what you choose to do. You don’t have to decide anything overnight. He should get that especially since he allowed this situation to play out over several nights himself. Take time to think about what you want and need to get beyond this. Couples counseling is good if you both want to stay together and move forward together. If one of you isn’t all in then it won’t work. Don’t blame yourself for ANYTHING about it. He full on took advantage of your trust by engaging in the nonsense. You are not a reason or cause so don’t ever let yourself think that it is all him. So you take time thing about yourself and what you need to get yourself able to move on. If you choose to move on you can’t throw it out later. Good luck.
It is called emotional cheating. He did it once and he will do it again. Either accept that he is gonna do it or get a divorce.
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From my personal experience, my husband did the same thing… went so far with the first one as kissing and sexual/flirt talking so much as he was telling her he’d move to where she lived… (He was working out of state where she lived). He was only sorry because I caught him texting her mother… I eventually forgave and then after I had our youngest he got his peter sucked off by someone who claimed I was her best friend and sister and is literally our SIL (well was, her sister divorced my husband’s brother)… They ended up having sexual intercourse. It’s been a roller coaster of heartache for me and me always looking like a complete fool… Never in my life did I think he would do such things but he did. I truly believed after the first incident he wouldn’t hurt me again as he saw the pain in my eyes but again, he took it even further with another home wrecker… Both of the “women” we’re absolutely crazy as they harassed me, spread rumors about me, even went as far as telling my children god awful things that had them scared for me and my safety. It was rough to say the least…
Moral of that, not all men are the same but, I wouldn’t keep forgiving. Don’t make the same mistake as I have. And don’t ever let him make you feel like it’s your fault nor make you seem like a fool… I’m so sorry you’re going through this. Yes, marriage takes work but from BOTH parties. Not just you. Would he have of confessed had you not been sent the message he meant to send her? Or would he keep hiding and lying?
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He’s remorseful and wants to make things work, I would take him up on the counselling and allow good accountability to help you guys journey not only towards healing and making your marriage better, but to help set boundaries in place so it doesn’t happen again.
Marriage isn’t easy, and there’s a deeper cause as to why he felt the need to entertain it but with good support, both willing and transparency you guys can make things work and come out of this with a far stronger marriage. Obviously if it continues to become a pattern and he doesn’t engage with the counselling and implement the tools then you consider walking away but it’s 
worth fighting for your marriage first, Much love and prayers your way mama!
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You need to be telling him that you aren’t sure how much you can take anymore as that was unforgivable and you need to tell him that you are worried what you will have to forgive next if you do choose to forgive him.
We can’t give you the answer, only you know deep down what the answer is! If your that sick and tired of it then you should leave, by the sounds of it you have no trust left to be with him.
Don’t try and stay for the kids because they need to see you happy and you aren’t happy, your living in a world of wonder and what if.
Good luck!
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You deserve to be with someone who only wants you xx
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In as many times as the Lord will forgive you.
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You are worth whatever decision u make… unfortunately men can break ur heart
I wouldn’t leave my marriage but we certainly would be revisiting The boundaries conversation
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Bells you in whatever decision you make. Xxx you know in your head what you have to do, it’s your heart that’s stopping you. Listen to your truth and your instinct.
I wish you and your three children happiness x
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well first thing is for him to block her everywhere. second is for counseling if he did it once without getting into why with a professional then chances are he will do it again. if all he did was talk to her he hasn’t broken any vows yet. but then you need to make him get to the point where before he does anything he stops and asks himself if it’s work giving up his family for and how he would feel if you did the same thing.
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If he truly wants to fix it then he needs to get into therapy and work on himself, then be willing to go through marriage counseling and as long you’re working through it in a healthy way as well do whatever is needed to actually repair and rebuild. If he’s truly sorry then he will do the work and he will be willing for this process to take as long as needs to continue moving forward.
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They all say sorry when they get caught
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Do 1 round of counselling together and then 1 by yourself and see how you feel after.
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Cheating is it. Good bye. He did it once he will do it again. It is a choice not an accident
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The only thing that matters is what you want or feel is worth fighting for.
Everyone has different limits.
Just do you, happiness comes from within not outside of ourselves.
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Hes only sorry he got caught. He will continue to do what he wants and itll get worse 
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Start counseling with an open mind and see where it goes. No promises that it will help but in the end if it doesn’t you know that you tried everything you could to make it work without second guessing your decision. It can be turned around if he’s willing.
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Why does he have his number visible to Instagram
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This is happening everywhere and the women are aggressive going after the guys the internet is like the devil it entices men and women to cheat. Sinning is fun Depressed overworked men and women are looking for a fun outlet I think it will be hard for him to give it up But I want you to know your efforts to get through stuff and not throw the towel in are admirable because some women do run off and for the dumbest reasons I do wish you luck you deserve it
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Owned up??? I don’t think so!!! He got caught is what…
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get his phone, read through whatever happened - if its still there and hes willing to show youll know the extent of it. If he hid/deleted it, id be sus. Id be setting firm guidelines around insta/e-people and discuss how to handle it moving fwd so you dont freak out hes on the phone too.
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He’s not sorry. He’s sorry he got caught. Even if you forgive him, the bond you two had will never be the same. Therapy is a great start to healing. I’m so so sorry.
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Did he show you the messages ? Do you know who she is? Or is that still a mystery.
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That’s his reply? Girl there is more to that!!! It didn’t stop there nor will it stop there. It might stop with that girl but there will be another one then another one. I’ve seen this too many times. Social Media and now cell phones make it too easy for one to cheat.
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He was getting attention somewhere else.
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Wrong thing to do. I’m sorry
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