How old was your child when you stopped helping them with their hair in the shower?

My question is this. At what age is it normal to stop helping your daughter with her hair in the shower? I haven’t extensively cut her hair since birth, so it has some length to it. Her father refuses to properly take care of it during his weeks with her. It says it needs to be cut. When I have her, her hair is no issue. It’s like dealing with my hair. It is the same length, basically. Is it too much to ask him to step it up in that department? Or should I just cut it shoulder length and not fight it. Her hair is beautiful; I’d hate to cut it.


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How old was your child when you stopped helping them with their hair in the shower?

No way don’t cut it…


Pending on age let her choose


Depending on age should be responsible for maintaining their own hair.


My 4 year old daughter tells me that she can do it herself, but I’m there to tell her where she missed with the shampoo and to ensure she washes it out properly. Then to remind her to use conditioner so it’s not so knotty. I don’t know how old your daughter is but I’d start by asking what she wants and if she still wants her lovely long hair (it’s her head not yours) then I would show her how to wash it properly, teach her at your house how everything herself, shampoo, conditioner, combing etc. And then maybe buy her her own wash bag with her very own shampoo, conditioners, combs, detangling spray, all that suits her hair type and let her take it to her dads house and bring it back with her, and always use her own special stuff from her own special bag. Sometimes it’s less of not doing it but more about the products being used not working on the hair type?


My 5 year old can wash and brush her own hair.
(Cant style all that well yet)
Maybe encorouge her to wash and brush herself. And then maybe her dad can help style or manage a bit as well.
Surely that would be expected anyway as a parent (depending on the age of the child)

No reason her father can’t help her with her hair! He needs to step up and stop making excuses! There’s all kinds of dads making how to hair videos on YouTube! If google and send him links lol :woman_shrugging:


Get some easy things for her to use. Like a detangle spray and brush. Teach her to do her own hair so he doesn’t have to. Don’t let his laziness hurt her as I’m sure she loves her hair. My son had long curly hair till 3 and his dad had no issue following the way I suggested with conditioner and all. It was up to our kid when he got a hair cut

Same happens wen my daughter goes back and forth with her dad. Her hair goes down to her bum. It will come back with massive knots and he never ties it up for school. My girl is 6 and can do basic brush and wash but I do help with washing sometimes to give it a good clean. I just send reminder msgs like Kayla’s hair will need a wash tonight or can u please tie her hair up for school

Some of these questions on here drive me crazy. Do not cut her hair because he is lazy. Tell him to tie it up if he wants to be an idiot. I know its frustrating but don’t cut her hair


He needs to grow up and stop being lazy. He needs to help her wash/brush her hair or depending on age he needs to wash/brush her hair. It’s not hard to get in your phone and goggle something now a days.

My daughter has extremely curly hair, I have to help wash/comb until she was in 5th grade. In 6th grade we had a permanent straightener put on it. Once the straightener grew out she was old enough to manage it herself, thankfully!
So no I don’t think it’s unreasonable considering her hair texture.

The way this question is worded have two responces. Number one. At what age do you introduce SELF showering to your daughter. My personal opinion is… Start teaching how to properly wash hair and body around 5/6… Not expecting full sufficient til about 6/7…
2… definitely do not cut your child’s hair to make it convenient for the other parent!!!
Every and each situation is different it all depends on age and situation. My response is just in a simple sense


I still have to make sure my 10yr old rinses her hair good enough. But they have been doing it since 6-9 (they are 12 and 10 now) they have really long hair. My 12yr old is long but very curly and 10yr old has long stringy hair. I still help brush so she doesn’t get knots.

Depends on daughter’s age, whether she wants it cut (not what dad OR you want), and maybe start teaching her to wash and brush it on her own and send headbands with her to dad’s house
Let’s all be honest dad being lazy isn’t going to change just because his ex says so, so her hair will continue to be neglected u til she can care for it herself

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Don’t cut it! He will still probably not wash it even if it’s short. I cut my daughter long hair and regret it

Definitely don’t cut it! The father needs to learn how to take care of her hair.

My daughter was washing and brushing her own hair completely when she was 5. At age 4 she would do it herself but I had to give her hair an extra rinse. You could also get her a dry shampoo floor when she’s with dad. Uppity shouldn’t have to cut her hair

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How old was your child when you stopped helping them with their hair in the shower?

It’s her hair and her choice to cut it. I don’t know how old she is but my daughter is 5 and she showers herself and washes her hair just fine. She also combs it herself. The only thing I do is style it for her when we leave the house.


BTW tell your ex to man up and give his daughter the care she deserves and if he can’t do that she stays with you!!! I had full custody of my small sons and told my ex-wife if she didn’t meet their needs properly she didn’t get them!! Job done.


I’d ask the daughter what she wants to do with her hair , if she wants to keep it long then dads gonna need to deal with it , sounds like he wants it short to suit his needs more than anything x


It should be her choice to cut her own hair, also if you’re thinking she’s at the age where he shouldn’t help her in the shower he could help her wash it in the sink. I don’t think there is an age per say, as long as she feels comfortable with him helping her it should be fine.

My oldest son is 9, and he doesn’t thoroughly wash his hair, he always forgets the sides and behind his ears. I still go in there while he’s showering and I make sure HE washes it properly. His daddy will also do this if I’m not home. We want him to learn to do it, but while making sure it’s actually being cleaned properly. I should point out all four of my boys have had shoulder length hair or longer at times. So hair washing is important.


If he can’t take care of it it’s his problem, maybe he shouldn’t take her if he doesn’t want to take care of her properly. If she doesn’t want it cut, don’t let him do it. My mother did it against my will when I was in kindergarten and continued to cut it super short until I moved in with my dad at 12, I still haven’t forgiven her. It’s her hair, her choice. The answer is, until she can do it by herself. First of all, you’re her parents, you literally made her so nakedness shouldn’t be an issue until she makes it one because nothing that would make it an issue should be going on. Start having her do it herself under supervision and work your way up and if he can’t handle that until she’s comfortable doing it on her own then he should just take her out for dinner or something and bring her home. I’m all about both parents having equal time with their kids but if he can’t take care of her correctly when she’s with him then he isn’t ready to be a parent on his own.

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As above- if your girl likes her hair you and her should show dad once how it’s done then up to him!

I don’t have a daughter and my sons told me to f*** off out of the shower😑

If she likes her hair leave it. Get him so more tangles & He can man up @ comb it.


My daughter has hair past her bum she’s now 7 and never had a huge hair cutting the most recent time we trimmed 6 inches. Before she goes to her father’s for the weekend I french braid her hair and I use argan oil and leave in conditioner while doing it then wash it out as soon as she comes home


Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How old was your child when you stopped helping them with their hair in the shower?

My daughter is 4 1/2 and has very long fine hair but lots of it! I would never dream of cutting it short its beautiful.
Im teaching her how to wash her own hair now.

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To me this is so silly. I have 3 daughters and I have done as much as I can for them. Your children grow up so quickly and one day you will be missing all of this. Your daughter’s hair is exactly that, HER hair. She must make the decision on what happens to it. If she struggles to wash it at her dad’s house then get her a dry shampoo to use when there. This issue is not really a issue at all.


I had long hair growing up and my parents didn’t want to cut it, and I’m glad. It’s very hard to manage long hair as a child but I was doing my own hair by the age of 10 :slightly_smiling_face:

Must be something with 11 year olds.
My daughter has very long thick hair and she has just started washing it herself, she also brushes it after the shower but it’s to long for her to put up so I do that for her. X

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My daughter is 11 and washes and brushes it herself. I help her put it up. Personally I don’t think the dad should be anywhere near my daughter in the shower at her age. Help with brushing/putting it up yes definately

I would ask your daughter if she wants it cut as its her hair at the end of the day. If she is happy with it the length that it is then the dad needs to try and learn how to maintain it. My daughter is 3 and has hair down to her bum where she doesn’t want it cut yet so I went on to YouTube and learnt how to do hairstyles that keep it out of her way when she is at school


Why don’t you just ask her.

My daughter is 12 with hair down to her bum and she started washing. Her own hair at 11. She just never shouted for me to help her and that’s been it since.

Absolutly do not cut her hair just to help her dad. My daughters hair is long she is 4 her dad has taken the time to learn how to wash condition brush and dry it and can tie it up and do simple styles. I’m sorry but ur little ones dad just needs to do the same. Unless your little girl actually wants her hair cut off then absolutly not he needs to get over it

My daughter is 7 nearly 8 and she has long hair she likes to wash her own hair in the shower and has done for 6 months or so to begin with I had to rinse it as she left alot of shampoo in her hair but now I check it and she gets it all out and makes sure it is rinsed properly I do always check it though

As a 20 year old, my mom STILL helps me with my hair when I ask. Either im too exhausted, my scar on my head is too sensitive or something else, but if I ask they will more than help me.

If he is taking care of your daughter he is also taking care of her hygiene, which includes her hair. Personally I would hope he steps up.

My 11 year old has been washing her hair for about a year, it’s not always perfectly washed but she wants to bath alone without help so I let her get on with it. She’d never even think about asking her dad for help now at her age though. Maybe ask your daughter what she’s comfortable with and if she actually wants help from her dad and go from there.

Ask her what she wants.


My daughter is 10 11 this year shes washes her own hair she can put it up herself she has seen me doing it only time al do my daughters hair is just after her bath she has tuggy hair like me or if she wants a different hair style ask her what she wants take it from there xx

Only cut if she wants it cut. I help my 10 year old wash her hair because she can’t do it properly on her own.

My daughter has recently turned 11 and after some practise over the previous 6 months on her own I now only get called in towards the end of her shower for me to “see if the bubbles are gone”, they normally are. A tip if you dont already, is to teach her to use her hands to help get bubbles out and provide a face cloth for wiping water from the eyes. Send her dads with tangle teaser and spray? But dad should really be helping out here!! Good luck xxxx

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Get it cut, how old is your child? Children need to learn how to look after there hair on there own. It will grow again and she can learn as it grows. fathers do not like to help there children in the shower or bath They do not want to be called a Pedophile. It is sad but it does worry them.

Ask you’re daughter what she’d like to do…?

Learn to care for it the length it is (explain you’re happy to show her)
She can have it cut to a reasonable length but she’ll still have to learn to care for it herself eventually anyway so I can’t see how cutting it would solve any of the issues it’s just going to cause heartbreak by sounds of it :woman_shrugging:t2:

My 4 year old daughter tells me that she can do it herself, but I’m there to tell her where she missed with the shampoo and to ensure she washes it out properly. Then to remind her to use conditioner so it’s not so knotty. I don’t know how old your daughter is but I’d start by asking what she wants and if she still wants her lovely long hair (it’s her head not yours) then I would show her how to wash it properly, teach her at your house how everything herself, shampoo, conditioner, combing etc. And then maybe buy her her own wash bag with her very own shampoo, conditioners, combs, detangling spray, all that suits her hair type and let her take it to her dads house and bring it back with her, and always use her own special stuff from her own special bag. Sometimes it’s less of not doing it but more about the products being used not working on the hair type?

My daughter started washing and drying her hair when sho was 4 and a half. Now at 6 she is a pro🤣also long hair.

We cut our DD hair back Novemeber just above her shoulders, her daddy was struggling to get it brushed and detangled after he assisted her with a bath (she was almost 5 at the time and washing herself and just needing help with dispensing of shampoo/conditioner and body wash)
It made it so much easier for the two of them. It’s still bueatiful and after the summer will probley get trimmed again.
(He rarely asks me for anything special/accommodating with our kids and supports me. He told me if he was going to help with her hair she needed some of that lenght off. And now he can help her manage and even do a ponytail times he has to get the kids ready :heart: )


You didn’t say how old she is. That changes a LOT about appropriateness or just personal comfort of a male helping a female in the shower.

As far as brushing? Dad should man up and just help get through the knots.

Depending on her age, ask HER how she feels and what kind of haircut SHE wants.


1st dad needs to be a dad and help child with whatever is needed. 2nd ask her if she wants it cut. 3rd help teach her to take care of it by herself! Age isn’t the issue as every kid is different.

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And no, dad dont need to help her while shes in the shower. OBVIOUSLY age does matter in this instance


My daughter is almost 8 and takes a shower on her own.

My girl is 8. She can wash her hair well. Sometimes I come to help if I notice its extra greasy, not washed well, or every single time we use a deep cleansing shampoo (we have well water) to pull minerals out. Mostly because that one burns like the dickens if you get it in your eyes.
But if someone doesn’t care…they don’t want the hassle. Sounds like that kind of situation to me. :confused:


My 7 1/2 year old is learning to wash and condition her own hair. It’s down to her lower back and thick, so it’s a little hard for her to get it all so it’s almost like we’re doing lessons. Hair washing is the only hygiene she still gets help with, but I’m hoping she’ll get that on her own soon.

Why do woman still over compensate for their exs lack of responsibility? Its not fair on your daughter to cut her hair because your ex cant sack up.


I’d be inviting him over and showing him how to properly care for her hair before cutting it. If she’s little, he may be saying it needs cut if it’s in everything. My daughter is six and I swear her hair gets in everything. Her food, etc. But I also know now to pull it back when she eats. I feel like men do everything but what we women would do. I don’t know if it’s purposely or they just genuinely don’t think of those things bc they don’t have to do them as men themselves.

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This was my 8 year olds hair she needed help to wash it and brush it
She begged for it to be cut off so we let her after pic in the comment.
She can now do it all herself.

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It was about 6 when I stopped for the girls, for the shower part, our son was younger then that because well it was short. There’s still times that they ask for help with the back with brushing from time to time.

6 and she washes completely solo. I have to remind her once in a while when I notice she’s not rinsing well enough or doesn’t use enough conditioner. She’s not great at brushing yet, but she has thick curly hair. I still help style her hair in he mornings.

Both my girls were about 7. If i noticed it wasn’t looking clean or if the conditioner wasn’t out I help. We bought one of those scalp cleaner shampoo brushes pretty affordable on Amazon. We have the wet detangler brush and it’s really easy to brush hair “upside down”. There are tons of little tricks you can try. Teach her how to do it herself. He could just not want to do it.

I still help my older kids and Definitely help my younger - 11, 9, 6 and 3.

My girl has super curly hair that can turn into a rats nest 30 minutes after brushing it. She’s 8 now and it’s above her shoulders but I always had to do the shampoo/conditioner before she got it cut from her mid back. It was a daily issue of detangling/brushing that would take us at least 15 minutes on a good day and her dad couldn’t handle her to do it. She does everything on her own now that it’s a manageable length and it takes no time at all. She is also the one that wanted her hair cut because she hated sitting there and it hurt her to get it brushed

My boy has been showering on his own and washing his own body and hair since he was 6.

My 5 year old does it by herself. She’s got hair to her shoulder blades and does shampoo and conditioner.

My almost 6yo showers by herself. I even let her wash her hair. Like once or twice a month i pop in to help her but most of the time i don’t. I have a spray in conditioner/ detangler. That helps a lot.

I think if folks have a problem with the dad helping in any way… You all got some issues you need to deal with on a person level… Some kids only have their dads… And that’s all they have ever had. It should be perfectly normal for a dad to do any thing a mom can do… To think it is sick and demented is just twisted…wow folks…


My daughter is 8 and I still help her wash her hair. I have to remind her to scrub her hair to get it clean but she struggles with it. Her hair is long and really thick and I don’t want to have it cut again. So I will keep washing her hair til she gets the hang of how to do it all herself. She also has trouble rinsing the shampoo and conditioner out of her hair so I make sure that her hair is rinsed out good as well.

6 we had them do their own hair every other day with supervision only when they weren’t getting super sweaty then slowly had them doing it more and more days with supervision then all on their own

My daughter is 4 and will use a whole bottle of conditioner and leave half of it in so I do her hair. My stepdaughter is 8 and never gets her hair clean and it stinks and it’s greasy but her mom claims she can do it by herself so if it isn’t clean I send her back into the shower and tell her she really has to massage the hair to get it really clean and get the soap and the conditioner in and out of the hair. (I think she’s just putting it on her palm and thinks the water will wash it out if she puts it on top but her mom doesn’t enforce bathing/showering but maybe 2-3 times a week and it isn’t enough.)

What does your daughter want? It is her hair. Maybe try that No More Tangles spray if they still make it. He might feel she’s too old to help her in the shower. Also, when I had waist length hair I combed it with conditioner in the shower-that might help her.

I stop helping with hair around 5 bc they are old enough to care for it and do a great job but if asked I’ll still help. Now I have two children with disabilities that I still help and probably always will and one is 5 but that’s a different story. I do think that both parents and the child should have a say in getting the hair cut tho it isn’t just moms choice

How old is your child? Does she want her haircut? Can you explain to her how to properly wash it and take care of it herself? It’s not too much to ask for him to actually take care of his child and I’m sorry to tell him but unless you shave her head , he’s still going to have hair to deal with while she’s there. :roll_eyes:

My daughter is ten and no one can do her hair but me lol. It’s very thick and curly. She washes it on her own as of a year ago. Men aren’t great w that to begin with.

my kids were/are about 6ish when i do. my daughter could properly do it at 6. my middle kid is 6 but he requires more help at times but not often.

It definitely depends on your child’s hair length and texture.
I had this exact problem between my parents when i was a little girl. Mom could easily handle my long curly hair that was down to my butt, but dad had no clue and would tangle me up so bad.
When I was 7, I got uncomfortable and begged for my hair to be cut up to my shoulders and we did it!
First, I suggest asking if your daughter is comfortable with cutting her hair. Hair is a girls eveerrrryyyyythingggg. If she isn’t wanting to cut it, invite dad over and show him how to properly care for her hair and show him that it takes certain techniques and lots of patience.
Best of luck!

Put her hair in a style like braids when she’s at her dads. Something that she can wear days at a time without much work.


My 4 yr old washes her own hair with supervision. I will help brush it out twice a week.

She has hair right above her tail bone. But it’s curly.

I would suggest braiding your daughter’s hair. Not sure how long her visits are with Dad?

My middle is 7, she doesn’t like help, but once or twice a week I convince her to let me brush it, she does otherwise

I’ve noticed #1 that he’s a male who doesn’t know a whole lot about hair as thiers is mostly short. #2 it also depends on the texture. Even women have been confused between the textures and styles. I think he might just need educated on what to do.

I still wash my 8 year olds at least once a week. My 13 year old has waist length hair and scrub her scalp and deep condition once per week. Maybe write down instructions for him. If not its time for her to learn to care for it if she wants to keep it long.

my daughter is 4 and showers herself on her own I will periodically check on her cause the girl loves to shower till the hot water is gone but she manages to get all shampoo out of her hair and I taught her the importance of washing all parts of her body thoroughly


That’s kind of a complicated question… at least for me.
My daughter’s hair is SOOOO thick that I was still regular helping wash it at age 10 or so. hell, she’s 13 now and sometimes I still wanna help her get a good hair wash. When I say it’s thick, I mean THICK. It’s hard for her to wear a regular ponytail.
If her dad would try to manage her hair- it’d be terrible. lol. But I still wouldn’t cut her hair.

Guys have a hard time with this. If he can’t do it. Braid her hair before she goes. Get a shower cap for the shower to keep it dry. Start teaching your daughter how to care for her hair. Ask her dad if you can reach him how to care for it.


Mine is 8 and has wanted my help up until recently when I made her do it herself. I double check it though to make sure she rinsed it well.

My daughter is 10 she showers on her own and combs her hair on her own not very well but I let her do it so she learns…if we r going somewhere it needs to look nice I do it. She also has long hair. As far as cutting it i wouldnt unless she wants it cut…my mom chopped off my long beautiful hair when i was 7 because my hair was inconvenient for her I was angry for a long time at her for that!!!

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Depends on the child. Some kids can do a whole bath routine when they’re 5 others are still struggling. Dad should learn how to care for her hair, any hairstylist could help him if he wants to learn.
Don’t just cut her hair, because the other parent is to lazy to help her.

My daughter learned on her own to give herself a bath and shower. She’s like 12 now…she learned like last year to 2 years ago. Even my daughter’s hair is loooong I still tell her to shampoo it twice. Lol

My 6 year old has been showering since 3 and has been unsupervised since 5 to wash themselves. Most times I come in at the end of the shower to make sure all the soap is out and put conditioner in. But your kid’s dad needs to help with things like brushing it or pulling it off her face in even something as simple as a pony tail.

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Mine washed her own hair starting at the age of 5-6 and she has long blond hair, she donated 14 inches 4 times before she was 16 and never got it shorter than her shoulders. She is a farm/ranch kid and very independent, same for my other daughter but with brown hair and only donated 2 times.


My dad kept my hair short as a child because he didn’t want to manage it. I hated it. Don’t let his laziness dictate her looks.

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Get her this set works wonders on scalp cleaning and then the detangling brush is awesome. Teach her how to do it. I had long thick hair as a kid from a single parent home…… my dad wasn’t much of a help in hair Dept either

How old is your daughter? What does SHE want to do with her hair? Does she want it long or would she like to cut it. Of she wants it long then she can learn to properly care for it. Besides that men are just as capable as women for providing proper care to children and their hair. Your ex is being lazy.


My 7 year old has beautiful hair. We do feel like she’s at the age she can take care of it herself. But we’ve cut it shorter a few time to make it easier on her and I cause she doesn’t like to take care of it.

Overall, regarding length of hair, it should be the child’s choice. You stated YOU like long hair and you’ve never cut her hair since her birth. It’s her body, her choice, and her responsibility.

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My daughter is almost 7 and she showers on her own. I stay in the bathroom with her still because sometimes she doesn’t get all the soap out of her hair so I have to supervise lol but she does it on her own for the most part!

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My dad washed my hair for my until I was 13! Every weekend I went to his house he would have me put my head over the side of the bath and wash it. Then tie it up and put it in a shower cap so I could shower the rest by myself :roll_eyes: I don’t get why people feel the need to try and dictate what their children can’t have! I had braids along with a friend of mine because her dads in the army and she wanted someone to go with her to get them done! My dad took one look at them and took them out along with making me get a hair cut! I still hate him to this day for it