How should I handle this situation with my boyfriend and my kids?

I have a question mamas… what if ur ex and u broke up and u were together for a year and never bonded with your children but now he wants to get back and says he will bond with them but only communicates very little to them. I asked him to start taking them on his days off and being bothered with them but he doesn’t think he should… he says what if I start dating someone else and he’s taking the kids and doing things with them. My kids are 17,16,12 and 5… he could teach my older 2 how to drive but has asked them once or twice when we were dating. Everything was all about me when we were dating and didn’t want to bother with my kids and if he wanted to do little things I had to be there with him…

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hmm… makes me question why you ended in the first place… depending on that reason… I wasn’t sure why he’d think you would end up on dates? Or if he was saying what if he was dating?? Either way, it doesn’t feel committed… and if not committed, why be a father figure if he’s not all in? Ya know?

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How should I handle this situation with my boyfriend and my kids?

Is that why you broke up?

Find a man who actually wants a family life with you. Someone who loves your children… don’t try to force him to bond with your children… he’s a man if he wanted to he would have right away…

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No. I wouldn’t even be asking this question because I already know the answer.

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i have ended so many relationships bc of things like this. my ex was so rude to my kids. spent no time wit them to get to kno them and disrespected them in their house and that’s when i kicked him out.

Why is he your bf? Lol

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This boyfriend, is he bio dad? Where is their dad? Why aren’t you teaching them these things? Why are you trying to force another person to do things he is obviously not comfortable doing?

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It doesn’t sound like he’s interested in your kids at all and if he’s already talking about what happens if you break up… then he can’t be very interested in the relationship

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If he wanted to, he would. Do not force relationships with ANYONE and your kids. People who don’t want to be involved with kids shouldn’t in my opinion because if they don’t truly want them around they’re not going to be good to them. It’s only been a year? Baby cut those losses and set him loose

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Idk, your kids are older. I imagine it’s harder. You can’t say “go bond” you should be actively involved in the getting to know eachother stage

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Really u going make ur kids do stuff with a guy that don’t want to…really what kind of mom would do that to her babies

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My bf is amazing with my kiddo. If he wasn’t, he’d be gone. I will never put my daughter through what I got put through, I was never good enough. He also knows that he damn well better treat my kid the same as our kid.

Do not take him back. Bonding with your children should be natural for him and it should not take you to say something for it to happen. If he did not do it on his own, he is only going to pretend he wants to do it just to get you back. Eventually he will stop and you will be in the same situation. Let him stay where he is. He had his opportunity.

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He’s your boyfriend not the dad and why why on earth would your boyfriend take your kids on his day off? Lol. It sounds like you are looking for a babysitter. Older kids are harder to bind with. They aren’t easily influenced as much. 

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I wanna understand how you as a mother can date someone who wants nothing to with your kids, break up and even consider taking that person back??? Your kids deserve better than this. Get them some therapy. You need some as well but you seem more worried about keeping a man so :woman_shrugging:t3:

SMH.

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The kids aren’t his I’m assuming? Esp considering their ages I wouldn’t expect him to be involved with them at all other than to treat them with respect.

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That’s just weird.
You need to stop. You dated for only a year, broke up, but you think he needs to take them? Just weird.

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I don’t think he will change. If he hasn’t made the effort now, why should he after he gets what he wants?

Some people don’t want to take on fatherly duties, some people don’t want to over step if bio dad is in the picture some people totally embrace fatherhood to kids that aren’t their own maybe he tried and didn’t like it. So the possibilities are endless.

Wait are they his kids? If not, this is just weird af. It seems like he’s just using them as an excuse to keep track of you. He has no right to your kids at all. If they are his as well, he needs to take some parenting classes and put in more effort or fuck off. Do what’s best for you and your kids ALWAYS. Fuck that guy. Lol

Nah u r a package deal I’m afraid

You and your kids deserve better! Move on!

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When you have kids… Your a package deal!!! Kick him to the curb!!! Next relationship, MAKE IT VERY CHEAT GONG INTO THE RELATIONSHIP ME AND MY CHILDREN ARE A PACKAGE DEAL, IF YOUR NOT READY TO HAVE A FAMILY AND PLAY THAT ROLL, THERE IS NO NEED AND GETTING INTO A RELATIONSHIP!! MY KIDS WILL ALWAYS BE THERE!! THEY WILL NOT GO ANYWHERE FOR ANY ONE!!! YOU WILL FIND THE RIGHT MAN TO LIVE YOU AND YOUR CHILDREN!!! DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS!!!:pray:

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How hard is it to be kind n friendly with the family of a person your dating ? It’s a every day social skill.
Bond might be the wrong word. Loved ones bond.
If he has not perused a relationship of friendship with your kids he’s not your guy, move on . You cannot force a skill on someone they do not have within themselves.
Yeah he’s not your guy .

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Being a parent isn’t a part time job. Cut ties with him cause really…the older ones see him for who he is. Don’t let toxic ex get to you anymore.

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Girl stop​:woman_facepalming:t2::woman_facepalming:t2::woman_facepalming:t2::woman_facepalming:t2:you can’t force a dude to bond with kids that ain’t his…if he really loved them kids you wouldn’t even be posting…smh leave him girl and go find someone that actually wants and truly loves your kids! Btw…where is there bio dad​:eyes:…welp! Good luck and hope you make the right decision for your kids!

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If that bond isn’t there at the beginning I wouldn’t even allow them to continue a relationship with me. That’s why I introduce individuals as my friend. Our dates at the beginning consist of family friendly activities. I want to see how they interact with my kids and get my kids opinions on the person.

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You know the answer he already didn’t want to be bothered with them. Don’t force it.

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You already know what to do. You don’t even need to ask us, you do not need us to tell you. Just do it for your kids sake.

I’d tell him to kick rocks.If a man can show an interest in my children,then nope.

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Ma’am cut him off. Save yourself the drama. It will not work. I speak from experience. Find someone who will accept u and all your kids.

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If it doesn’t come naturally, it isn’t coming at all. Especially if you try to force it.

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If a guy doesn’t bond with my kids he’s not the guy for me. He’s obviously not their dad if he was around only for 1 year so he’s not obligated to do stuff with them. I wouldn’t let some guy of only 1 year teach my kid to drive. Do that yourself or have their actual dad do it. This is weird.

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I’d tell him to f-off

You gotta ask him if he’s ready for that responsibility. If he’s not ready to take on the step parent role , then he needs to politely kick rocks. When you get with a single parent, their kids are a packaged deal. So if he plans on staying with you long term, he needs to step up. If not then he needs to get lost and find a single woman with no kids.

So he’s not the father of your children but you want him to act like their father after only a year?

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Nope nop nope!! Hes just telling u what u want to hear to keep on hanging on… ditch him asap

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If he wants to be with you then why would he date someone else I’m confused

Me personally I would never take that man back or I would have left him. I date to marry/for the long haul which means the person I’m dating would be my sons step dad and I expect him to treat him as his own. If he has no interest In spending time with them getting to know him,bonding with him that’s a big :triangular_flag_on_post: and a hell no for me. Unless it’s a casual thing then he would never meet my son even if it meant seeing the bf less :woman_shrugging:however I also wouldn’t be asking him to take them on his days off like that if we’d only been together for a year unless a emergency or something came up

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Ok wait?
You were together for a year. These are your kids and not his.
He disregards them and doesn’t make an effort to bond.
But you want him to take them on his days off?
Why? Why are you even asking?
Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t care for your kids? Like, as a mother why even continue to date someone who doesn’t see your kids as a part of you?
I cant even with some of these questions :roll_eyes:
Please in the future, have enough respect for your kids and your family unit to only bring men around your children that are going to respect you and them.

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They first time my hubs met my son, he brought him M&M’s & we want to see/ride Thomas The Train.
If it’s been a yr & he isn’t trying, why are you wasting your time?
He’s not their dad. Stop trying to make him take a roll that’s not for him. Your children aren’t a charity case. Your behavior is disrespectful to them. It looks desperate.

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Personally i’d never expect a man I dated for a year to take on that responsibility especially having them on his day off. That’s not his job so soon tbf.

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I wouldnt ask that of him after only a year. Hes just a boyfriend not a husband. You shouldnt expect him to take them for a weekend of he wont even pay attention to them just visiting. And him saying “what if I date someone else” I dont think he wants anything from You but company. You deserve happiness and I dont think hes going to make you happy. Drop him.

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Wtf did I just read? :woman_facepalming:

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People don’t change :woman_shrugging:

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Please stop being a slack ho, ffs get a grip and Leave the man alone

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Don’t force he. He should bond with them from the start. I’d end it.sounds like he just wants you and not your kids

I think you know the answer. I’m sorry you’re going through this. It will confuse your kids BC one day you’ll find a real man who shows them all they need to know.

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Move on. If he didn’t bond with your kids the 1st time all by himself he never will.

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If he isn’t the father it isn’t his responsibility to take them or do for them. That said if he is in your life he will be in theirs and if he shows no interest in them you shouldn’t bother and move on. Your kids come first. I will never be with a man unless my daughter loves him and is treated right by him but I’ll wait 6 months at least before he even meets her. Once he does I will not even think he should take on the roll of Dad but he should at least respect her and care for her

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It sounds like an unstable relationship between you two, which tells you that maybe you shouldn’t have your children bond with him.

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The last two I dated were the same way barely acknowledged my boys unless they were being brats and they had their kids but didn’t raise them so I’ve learned to be more picky I’ve been single the last 5 years and I’d rather have peace and happy kids than a dude that just wants sex and whatever else he can get

Why you forcing your children on this man?

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YOU ARE SERIOUSLY TRYING TO SEND YOUR KIDS WITH AN EX BOYFRIEND!? What is wrong with you!!! And only together for a year? 🫣 oh sweet baby Jesus. No. You have lost your mind.

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Huge red flag. HUGE! He has no regard for the kids which is not a good sign. I’d go into the psychology of this but it wouldn’t help you feel any better but my advice is to RUN.

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Big no. When you’re with someone with kids they should be treated as your own. And you as a mother shouldn’t want to be with him if he’s like that with your kids.

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He clearly isn’t step parent material

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Do your kids even like him? Why did you break up? He may just be passifying you to get you back?

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Maybe he is just not the one? If a man doesn’t make an attempt to bond with your kids on his own then he probably isn’t invested in the family life and just wanted you, not the whole package. Which is a waste of your time and not fair to your kids.

Sounds miserable for all of y’all and why make your kids feel like a burden to someone who clearly doesn’t value them. Move on and find someone who will love y’all freely :heart:

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Don’t date this man.
You don’t want your children thinking that’s ok.

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It takes time to bond with older children. The older the child the longer it takes to bond. Besides unless you plan on marriage with this guy and spending the rest of your life with him, him bonding with your children really should be discouraged. If they bond and he leaves your children will be hurt. If he treats them with respect and well that is all that matters. If you are wanting him to replace all of your baby daddies then give it time to see if this is a lifelong relationship.

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Choose your kids first, always. Ditch the dude.

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Coming from someone who just ended a relationship because he finally admitted to me that I was the perfect woman minus the fact that I had a kid. There was some other stuff that happened but as soon as that comment was said, I knew the relationship was over.

Your partner should think it’s a blessing to be there for your kids and be around them. He wants you and not the kids. “Actions speak louder than words”

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Well first of all boyfriend or ex-boyfriend you and your kids are a package deal and if it didn’t work out the first time my other world do you think it was the second time by forcing the kids on them that he didn’t even want the first time in a relationship. Maybe you should reread what you wrote and some of these comments because I seriously don’t think you’re speaking out of your right mind. Or is this a trick question?!?

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Young one, he’s already proven that he “values” family different than you. He may want you but really doesn’t want the whole package. Your older ones will be okay - but if you let him in your life - your lil’ ones may start acting out. Your babies and you are a package deal - don’t bring in someone who will cause drama and disrupt your family unit. :v:t4::sunflower:

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I just got out of a relationship like this and they don’t change its just empty word’s i had to tell him to go away due to him trying to tell me what to do with the kids and our dog without helping
How long do u want to jump for him and where do your kids stand in your life

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I’d tell him not ever going to happen as it’s a package deal, me and my kids or nothing! I mean seriously he knew you had kids when you started see each other and after a year and he still hasn’t formed any relationship or taken an interest in them get real and face reality, he’s not interested in responsibility of your kids so move on and stop :stop_sign: trying to force your kids on him! Besides where’s their Dad at?? Sorry to say but your kids come first and some men just aren’t met to be a Dad or want to be responsible raising someone else’s children! Leave and never look back!

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You’ve only known him for a year and now he wants to play dad to your kids? No. Why would you?

He didn’t try before, you all separated, now he says he will, but he doesn’t.
Do you need a chart? It’s lip service, that’s all. Keep it moving, don’t fall for the BS, he’s an adult and you shouldn’t have to beg no man. At this point you’re looking like your forcing and unwilling participant. He’s not the one!

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If say red flag move on

A year is not longer enough to bond with children that aren’t biological his especially with teenagers. I mean how long after you started dating did you introduce the kids to him? No offense, but there’s just not enough information for me to give my honest opinion. For instance is the biological father involved, if so how often does he have them, did your boyfriend live with you or did he stay the night at times, also does the children actually want to spend time with him. There’s just so many unanswered questions. Also some of you women sure are judgmental of this man when you don’t know the whole story. Even though they were only dating a year he may have only been in the kids life for 6 months. Also we don’t know if they live together or if the biological father is involved not to mention this woman can’t expect this man to bond with right off the bat. It doesn’t work that way. It takes time especially with teenagers. I know from experience because it took a little time before I had a good relationship with my bonus son’s.

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Sorry those aren’t his kids so NO he doesn’t need to take them on his days off or teach them how to drive. That’s YOUR job as THEIR mother. Or THEIR fathers. If he didn’t bond with them in the yr yall were together he’s NOT the one! My BF of over a yr watches my son one day a week cause I work days and he work nites. He IMMEDIATELY bonded with my son. He has helped him with baseball and soccer. He buys him Legos and takes him to the arcades to play. He’s the one!

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Then don’t be with him. Obviously he doesn’t want kids.

It’s plain to me he doesn’t care about your kids or he would have gotten involved with them the first time around. Save yourself time and heartache and tell him to get lost.

How long have you even known this man? Y’all were only together for a year, and you even admitted that he didn’t bond or spend time with them during that time - and now you’re trying to push your kids onto him? What makes you think this time around will be different? If he didn’t attempt during the first year, then I doubt he’s truly interested in the kids. No. Hell no. And why can’t you teach your oldest two how to drive? All this sounds like is you want to unload your kids onto someone else and have someone to babysit them.

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Girl hell no he had his chance and doesn’t deserve another one. Do not be naive and put your kids first. Sorry he had his chance. Tell him to move along and to not contact you again.

I wouldn’t Make him be a step dad or Bond with ur children if he doesn’t want to Fine. Bye. cant MAKE someone bond with ur children. Pick ur Kids over any Man So Dont go Back

Your children need to be your first priority. Zebras do not change their stripes. Look forward

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Why would you want your kids alone around a man you only dated a year anyway? He’s not their Dad. He’s some guy you’re boinking. 3…4…5 years ok but ONE year? I think if I was him I’d feel like I was interviewing to be a father not a husband or boyfriend :woman_shrugging:t2:

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Ok I’m tell you this from first hand experience and from my best friend going through the same! If they are not interested in a relationship with your children an they do not love them support them care for them outside of the relationship then they never will. Not now not in 10 years. It’s the greatest thing in the world to love a child that is not your own but it is also the hardest thing to do. Forcing it won’t work.

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Tf :roll_eyes: he wouldnt be allowed in my presence
Tell him to get f#cked

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Throw. Him to the curb no actually under the bus.he knew you had kids your a package deal or no deal

Um NO…get rid of him. Didn’t bother while he was with you for the whole year what makes u think he’s going to change. Also, if he wants to get back with you why is he worried about dating someone else

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The problem is a lot of your kids are older and some kids don’t wanna bond? Do they have their father? My niece doesn’t bond with my sisters fiancé. It’s been 6 years and even though he calls her his daughter my niece said she has a father even though he’s in and out of jail. They get a long and he buys her things but she feels differently .

Wtf!? :roll_eyes: He is not their father…where is their father?? Why should he take them on his days off, again not his kids. You want him to teach the two oldest how to drive, again where is their father?? Why can’t he or you teach them to drive?? You’re acting as though this man is their father and that you’ve had a long relationship with him…a year is nothing!! You should probably stop worrying about men and focus on your children more and not expect a man who isn’t their father do it :roll_eyes:

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He had his chance. He’s only offering this as a way to get back with you. Keep walking. You and kids are better off.

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If he doesn’t want to to bond he doesn’t have to . At the same time he doesn’t need to stay with u

He should know this instincts or tuning into your child. HE should already know.

Let him stay gone. You deserve better

If there’s ever a choice when it comes to your kids, always put your kids first. If he’s not interested in a relationship with them, you shouldn’t have an interest in a relationship with him.

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Why would you push YOUR kids on a man ESPECIALLY if he’s NOT THE FATHER?!

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Why would you even want to try? After a year of dating he showed little to NO interest at all. Red flag and I would not put my child threw that or even want a man in my life that treated my children like that. Hell no.

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First, why are you the one making suggestions when to see the kids? That’s your first sign, that he does not have their best interest at heart. Actions speak louder than words.

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They have a father. A respectful cordial relationship is good but you shouldn’t be forcing your kids to do things with him you or their father should be doing and vice versa. You shouldn’t be forcing him to play daddy and doing things that don’t come natural. Is that what you’re looking for is someone to play daddy for your kids or be a positive role model?

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All the nope. He’s using the kids as an excuse to stay connected to you. Cut those ties. You don’t need to suggest, make time, go out of your way or be in presence. He can’t manipulate them and he doesn’t want the responsibility of them. It’s just you he’s trying to keep tied down. That’s why he mentioned you dating. Leave that man alone and don’t involve your kids. If he wants them, he will figure it out.

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Nope you all come together if he don’t like it tell him to get lost x

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Y’all were only together for a year…how bonded to them is he supposed to be!!! Be realistic. Kids are ppl. Ppl don’t bond to others overnight. Esp the older ones. I wouldn’t wanna be alone with them either. That’s awkward. Hey, kid. I’m screwing your mom,so we need to force this relationship along :face_with_raised_eyebrow::roll_eyes::woman_facepalming:t4:

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