My bf of a year has two children with his ex, they are still legally married & he keeps promising me that he will get divorced from her. The children are 2 & 5, his daughter is 5, and his son is 2. I love these children as if they were my own. but their mother is very toxic and selfish; she will spoil her self before buying diapers for her 2 yr old. (ex: yesterday she called to come to pick up the kids for a sleepover, and she needed us to give her all of our diapers because she just got her nails done & had no money left) she is 24, works @ KFC making like 11 dollars an hr. She just spent over $2,000 on a brand new bedroom set as well. Not to mention that she is doing everything in her power to cheat the welfare system. I feel bad for disliking her so much, but she really is not the best parent. She has not taught her 5-year-old daughter how to wipe herself when she is done going potty, hasn’t taught her letters colors or any numbers & the daughter starts school this August. I feel very lost and just want to know if anyone has any advice for me.
I feel like a lot of this is made up due to the fact you’re upset your “boyfriend” hasn’t divorced his wife… something is definitely missing from this story.
Document everything with dates and times if you can… And if it gets worse have your boyfriend call a lawyer
What advice do you want? You stay in your lane. You don’t “handle” his ex. That’s on him.
All i can say is to document everything! Even if it seems petty still document it. Besides the still married issue, i feel you. Im in pretty much the same situation…I cant help you honestly cause we have tried everything as well and have gotten nowhere. And y’all who think there arnt women out there like this you are sadly mistaken and in denial. There are just as many deadbeat moms as there are deadbeat dads…
Not much you can do. As for me if their still married I wouldn’t be with him. Y’all have been together a year and he is still married to her. Something’s not right there!! As for ex he needs to deal with her
Insist he actually gets the divorce or that he takes some responsibility and parents his own kids instead of you feeling obligated to worry about them if he’s still married to their mother? 
That’s all on your boyfriend to take care of. If mom isn’t doing that, I sure hope you guys are and not just leaving it to Mom to teach her everything
1st of all, he needs to file for divorce asap. Second, keep a record of all that u just said in this post. Document when she needs diapers & what she did with her money & when it comes time for custody, your bf needs to show the proof & file for custody. When y’all have the kids, work with the daughter & try to help her learn.
Why hasn’t your boyfriend taught his child how to wipe, or letters, numbers, colors etc. They are married he can have more time if he wishes because there isnt an order in place because legally they are still married. Also if you love them so much why haven’t you taught them? My step mom taught all 3 of us this stuff. Seems fishy and made up tbh.
Run… It’s has been a year and they are still not divorced. I dated a man recently divorced before with a toxic ex… And small children. I promise you this man needs to get his life together before he starts a new one with you. Or it will not work… I am not saying y’all wont end up together, but you need to separate yourself for him to get it together. You are putting yourself in a bad position. I promise you… I have been there…
As much as you won’t like to hear this, you are only in fact the girlfriend, 1 year isn’t that long, you should probably stay out of it. It’s his job to take care of his kids and deal with her
Hes not leaving his wife and now your just playing house.
Been a year and no sign of divorce? Yet he “promises” to get a divorce? Red flag there. With them still being married you have no say in anything… cant be captain save the kids if your boo thing isnt taking action to clean up or set his foot down, your little boo thing is the father, he has just as much ability to teach his own kids what the mother is lacking on.
Was there a question in there?
There is nothing you can do they are still technically married and they are not your kids.
He’s not leaving his wife or he would have done it already. Just saying. You can’t do anything. It’s his job to check his wife. And HE can also make sure she knows how to wipe, her letters/numbers/etc.
You are complaining about your boyfriend’s wife and just looking for fault in her… because she is your boyfriend’s wife!
Stop being sloppy and get away from this mess. You would have beef with her if she was Mother Theresa herself… because your boyfriend is married to her
I must have missed the question. Anyone?
What the hell you doing with a married man, if he ain’t divorced her yet, he ain’t going to, so get yourself out of that
Stay out of it. That’s his wife. Personally, I’d leave him alone entirely until he was actually divorced.
Just love on those babies, that’s what they need.
Do people not realize divorce cost a lot of money. It’s not as easy as it sounds. Second of all, she loves these kids and obviously plans on staying in their life so I believe she has every right to be concerned. My adivce, talk to him about it. See if he can’t tell her to step up her plate. Also he can teach the kids just as well too
My advise: dont date married men.
It isnt your job to handle his wife, or their kids. Split up and tell him that if hes serious about being with you, you will discuss it after the divorce is final. Just remember, he divorced his wife to be with you, chances are he will leave you to be with another.
Why isn’t the dad stepping up and doing all this stuff you say? It’s HIS responsibility also to make sure the kids learn how to clean themselves and learn numbers/letters etc! Hello! If you were so concerned about the kids that’s exactly what you would be doing asking the father why he’s not doing what he’s supposed to! I think you’re just looking for a way to make the mother look bad. Why isn’t he helping???
Not your circus not your monkeys
She’s his wife…run. Yes she’s selfish and in the wrong and he enables her. Either way they’re married. Get out and leave married men alone. Especially ones not trying to get a divorce.
Tell your bf to document everything! And go for maybe joint 50/50 custody or prove she is unfit and take custody! While you’re with his daughter teach her how to wipe, teach her her letters, numbers, colors, show the girl what you think her mother should be teaching her!
Are we in a relationship with the same guy? No seriously I’m dealing with the same thing. My fiancé’s kids are 7 & 3. She bought a new car and gets her hair and nails done all the time and asks us to buy school clothes and pay for the extras they do… uhm no he pays child support and you get welfare.child support is for the kids not you.
Uh. He’s married, he shouldn’t be your boyfriend. None of this responsibility falls on you. He’s not going to divorce her.
Time to move on.
Why isn’t HE teaching HIS KIDS those things? He is just as much at fault.
Well he is STILL married so I mean theres that…
The mother of the children is not his EX…she is still his wife. He has not even filed for divorce and it doesn’t sound like he intends to.
Rule #1: Don’t get involved with a married man. Rule #2: Getting together with someone who already has children comes with the assumption that the children’s mother/father will more than likely be involved in the children’s lives in some way, whether good or bad, thereby no longer making it a relationship between you and one other significant other like it would be if you dated someone without children. Dating a married “man” with children presents all sorts of possible challenges. Also, do you like taking on projects, like big projects? Because it appears that he is one. I would advise him that once he is divorced, he should give you a call (maybe) and move on with your life.
Maybe you should just stay out of it and mind your own 🤷 you’re the girlfriend, sounds like you’re just bitter he hasn’t divorced her yet…These children have 2 parents,it’s not just the mothers responsiblity to teach the child!! I mean he says he will get around to it and it’s been a year, yeah he doesn’t want that divorce… sounds like you maybe the side piece.
All I can say is do what’s best for you…I was in a relationship like that…it’s hard because of the kids but I’d leave honestly
So are you thinking poorly of Dad for not teaching her how to wipe? Letters? Colors? Numbers? If she doesn’t know things it isn’t just because of Mom. That’s on Dad too. I would like to hear the Mother’s side of what is actually going on here. Does Dad pay child support? Maybe he doesn’t pay his support or is behind and she figures you guys can send some diapers and stuff her way. Basically, I can’t give an opinion on this matter much other than this without hearing all sides - they are still married. Until there is an actual divorce you should not be messing around with this guy and his kids.
Not to go on an attack but are you a parent yourself? I think it’s unfair to be critising bio mum when your bf is also a parent to those kids. What has he been teaching them? My advice to you would be to step up and start teaching the kids their numbers, colours, how to wipe after going potty and wash hands properly, etc. As the saying goes…it takes a village to raise kids…you can choose whether you want to be part of their village. I’m positive those kids will look up to you if you share the responsibility to care for them. 
Um… Its not just HER fault that the daughter doesn’t know things. The dad is accountable also.
Its hard when you are the other women find you a man that don’t have a wife.one who loves you and not you his wife and his kids.he needs to handle his wife or he needs to teach his kids too it’s not just the moms job.
He’s married! Why r u messing with a married man? You are the odd man out in this scenario
Is there reason why hes not divorcing her? If its money you think you would be able to save up in year you two have been together and file. If shes the one refusing to divorce theres ways to give her no choice. Sounds like big red flag. If shes that crazy and selfish you think he would have gotten the divorce already.
Wow, not being funny but get him to take her to court if she can’t sort herself out. Not once did I get jealousy from your post, ya’ll rather see these children neglected than cared for by someone who’s clearly wanting to stick with this man. I agree dad should be stepping up no one saying you guys can’t be helping the kids develop further than the point they are currently at
how about…DONT…BE…WITH…A…MARRIED…MAN​:woman_facepalming:
hes not yours
What is his reasoning for not doing the divorce? As for the kids, I feel sorry for em if mom is that selfish and not worried about her kids due to dad will provide for em then she needs a wakeup call… the sad truth however, is it must come from your boyfriend not you
Honey, he wont divorce her, he has a good thing going right now so whats the point
Send him back to her house hes not going to divorce her hes leading you on you shouldn’t be involved with a married man in the first place
You should try to build a relationship with her so that you are able to talk to her about the children when needed.
I know most are saying that if he hasnt divorced her he won’t but we dont know your situation but what you tell us. My mother and father were separated and living in different states for 8 years before they got a divorce. One because it was expensive but two because they just didn’t feel it was necessary i guess. They didn’t want to be with each other. They finally files when my mother wanted to remarry. That being said. Discuss your concerns with the boyfriend. They are his kids and unfortunately will have to deal with picking up the slack if shes not doing what she needs to. Maybe he should file for divorce and custody?
Not much you can do. Just be an amazing step mommy to the kids when you have them. Show the little girl how to wipe, her letters, numbers, etc . You can’t change her, that’s who she is unfortunately. Very sad for the kids.
You are a side piece because he is avoiding responsibility. Also it is not just HER responsibility to teach the kids…its his too…and well if you are gonna EVENTUALLY be step mom and do care, then YOU step up and teach the kids.
Get out of relationships find some one kids
Wait… can the dad not teach HIS child her numbers and letters and how to wipe? Leave the man alone. There is literally millions of men in this world. You don’t need a married one.
Mind your business she sounds like a great mom what more could you want. Reachin smh.
Listen… I was separated 3 yrs before divorce. Lawyers and Court are very costly not to mention emotionally exhausting.
People who have not been surveyed are always very quick to judge. Once he starts it probably will take another one to three years.
Advise number one will be with other people are saying. Document everything. Get all call voice recorder which is a free app on your phone pens top cement all phone calls between your boyfriend and his ex. Have him email them self was the recording. Screenshot all text messages. Write down dates save receipts for everything you buy for the children and every time he gives her. Don’t mention this to her. Don’t hold it over her head.
As soon as he feels he is able he should go to court and fire for a residential custody. This would be better done with evidence such as the fact that she does not provide for the children before herself. Nobody wants accusations. In fact most of the time you don’t even get to speak in court in front of a judge. You will get to talk to a law Guardian appointed by the court and then you will not be as quick to side with the father. Document everything. Have him show what he pays for and the time he spends with the kids. Take pictures and actually make a photo album of all the fun things you do.
Next advice is to start teaching the child her colors letters and numbers. Going to kindergarten not knowing those things is a huge detriment. The law Guardian will speak to the kids. The more time you put into them doing positive and fun things the more the child will talk about those things with the guardian.
I don’t know if you should be the one to teach the child how to wipe. A good course of action would be to bring the child to the pediatrician. Or I should say the father should bring the child to the pediatrician I specifically asked for the developmental consultation. Tell the pediatrician that he is a divorced father and he has his daughter alone and he does not know the best way to go about teaching her how to wipe herself with it being appropriate. Tell him the concerns that the mother is not reinforcing this and ask him to document it and then give advice. Then go home and say that you sought guidance from the pediatrician regarding this lack of developmental milestone. Write down the date. Keeps paperwork from the visit if possible.
Next I would call up to court, Family Court, or look it up on the internet. There are often very cheap or free parenting classes. They can be mandated through the court for parents who have not behaved appropriately or lost custody. But many people take them besides that. Both of you and your boyfriend should go take the parenting course. Not because you guys don’t know what to do but more so because it will look good on paper. Takes a parenting course and go to your first court appointment and say that you want residential custody in that you are both taking the parenting course this will make the mother look subpar in comparison. It shows that you have initiative and the best interest of the children in mind. Even though you’re doing it to look good there are still a lot of great benefits I’m sure you can take from the class.
Make sure the father is involved. Have him bring the child’s to library classes and doctor visits and visit preschool or daycare if they go. If it feels good for you maybe you guys can join a church as a family. One with the daycare. Be very friendly and open with the daycare staff. Churches are often willing to help out in many ways but familiarizing yourself with persons in the church may also be a great way to get a letter of recommendation for court. All this should take place over the next 6 to 12 months. It will be obvious when things are forced. Give it time. In 6 to 12 months if he is ready have him go to court and file. With all of this ready to go it will be an extremely in his favor. If there is anything not mention regarding him using alcohol or drugs or having criminal activity cut it out now. If he is clean it’s totally substance-free and he believes the mother is not he can ask the court to ask for a drug screen and if he comes up positive and she doesn’t that will be an excellent Mark for him.
That is strategic advice. In the meantime just love the kids. Play with them when they are there. Teach them letters and numbers and colors through playing. I love lining up the colorful wooden blocks with my son. We count the block says we tell the tower. We can identify the colors. Fridge magnets are great way to learn letters and numbers as well. They have all sorts of great letter and number fun songs on YouTube. Point them out in the store. When you go to Target see how many letter Ts and number two so you can find… easy ways for the child to learn without realizing she’s learning. I wish you guys both the best of luck
Ouch that’s a hard one. Obviously your bf needs to step up and say something. But is he avoiding a divorce so he doesn’t have to pay cs? If she’s not getting help or this isn’t 50/50 then he needs to pitch in.
Try to distance yourself from the kids a little bit for your own sake. Been through that for two years man. It won’t change. Just get worse
Why are you all making it out as if she split them up 
in done with this oave this whole thread is rediclous to read the ignorance is sad
Can I ask why they are not legally separated or divorced? As for the children,please always do remember that it is the fathers responsibility to care for and nurture them as well. Why hasn’t he taught her colors and numbers? All children are different but my two year old knows that stuff. Dad needs to pitch in as well. Why not try becoming friendlier with their mother? Co parenting is so important and you are their step mother now after all.
Some kids just won’t learn how to wipe their own ass properly. I know mine doesn’t want to get poo on his fingers.
And why is it her fault??
Takes TWO to make the kids and TWO to raise them. If she is NOT teaching, why is your BF NOT teaching her? If you love them like your own, why are you NOT helping teach her? I mean, I get it’s not your biological, but when you see a child struggling, you should help regardless, especially if you are living with the BF. Kids remember those who help them and raised them and there’s so much more to raising kids than just being their parent. So much more! Both parents are to be involved in all aspects no matter if it’s extracurricular, schooling, potty training, scheduling (bedtime, meal times) anything that involves the kids. If one parent is struggling with being a parent, the other needs to step up more. Just my 2 cents.
Sounds like they are both losers I feel bad for the kids.
please file for full custody together !
Why doesn’t dad teach his kids how to do all of that? He seems pretty shitty too 🤷🤷
Poor babies. Not much you can do besides try your hardest to lead and teach the babies when they’re in you and your boyfriends care. Without crossing boundaries of course because things can get messy but in all honesty you and the boyfriend being a constant responsible level and safe place for the kids is what is important. As they grow they will realize that their mom is always putting herself first and you guys didn’t 
good luck
I wouldn’t focus on the divorce aspect, my divorce took a year and that was from the filing date not from when I asked him for one. I don’t see anything wrong with you stepping in and helping teach the kids! My ex boyfriend was basically single-handedly responsible for transitioning my son to his own bed. There’s nothing wrong or overstepping about you teaching his kids letters, reading to them, playing games with them. And honestly for the 5 year old, you’re a female and she’s a little girl so I don’t see an issue with helping with potty stuff either. The mom sounds horrible but you can definitely step in and be a good role model and help those babies.
I know a lot of ppl that dont get divorced for different reasons. That really has nothing to do with it. But he should be teaching his children those things just as much as she should. And its also his responsibility to provide diapers and care for his children. Regardless if shes on welfare or not isnt really any of your concern. And where she works is irrelevant at least she has a job. Also what shes doing with her money isnt your problem. If the children arent being cared for properly then he as their father should step up and go to court or take the proper steps in making proper calls to handle the situation.
I’m assuming he’s separated, with how this is written. At that point, divorce allows you to get married again. That’s it.
1st of all, it’s BOTH parents responsibility to teach the children life skills. So that’s as much your BFs lack of parenting as it is the mother’s.
2nd of all, if he’s paying child support, he shouldn’t he giving her anything else and if he is, he needs to stop or trainee her to court for more time with the children.
3rd, they 're not your children and after just a year you need to take a step back and let THEM parent.
Unfortunately, they aren’t your kids. No matter how much you live them, you can’t do anything about it.
Why wasn’t the divorce done within a year of you two dating? I’d be weirded out by that. Honestly that’s between them and dad isnt innocent why hasnt he taught colors, numbers and bathroom hygiene ? It takes both parents not just on mom. So these are red flags !big big ones I’d tie them up together and fly on out… sounds like a situation you dont need tangled up in.
Tell your boyfriend to get custody. If she can’t care for the kids herself they should be with him.
I love how everyone is commenting on her role in this and she’s only the gf and blah blah blah but I guarantee that’d this was a man complaining about his gfs kids with another man y’all would be on his ass about stepping up and all that shit such double standards. Also it took my step mom and dad 3 years to get through divorce proceedings with cost and lawyers and court ordered mediation and all that bull shit. By the time they were divorced my dad was getting ready to get married. My advice to you sweetheart is just try to be the best step mom to those kids and step in where their mother is slacking just be there for them and document everything she does concerning you and your partner and the kids. Also start a divorce savings and save a little every paycheck until y’all have the money for it. As for all the negative and unnecessary comments you’re bound to get on here ignore them someone wronged them along the way and I have noticed that most like to take their anger out on the ones that remind them of the person that wronged them. Just keep your head up and love those babies
Divorce is a lengthy and costly procedure in some countries. Just because they aren’t divorced yet doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you.
Try to co-parent with bio mum. The kids don’t need their bio parents engaged in a bitter custody battle. These issues are minor and can be resolved. I.e. have a conversation with bio mum that you both don’t feel she is putting her kids’ financial needs first. I hardly think this is reason to start “documenting”.
Just based on what the new gf says about the mother of the kids. I’d hardly be crying that custody needs to change to the father. The father can also teach colours shapes and how to potty. Geez people. And so what maybe she treated herself to nails one time. Does the father pay child support. Maybe he pays nothing so she asked for some diapers.
I dont really think theres anything to “handle”. Shes their mother, whether you dont agree with her behavior or not, shes still the mother. I would leave the parenting to your bf and her, and just stay out of it.
Divorce is very expensive and some people choose to be separated to avoid high costs.
How about stay out of it!!! Mind your business what did u think would happen??? Your dating a married man with children!!!
No matter how much you love him stay away until he is divorced or otherwise you are just the other woman. Prayers for you.
My advice for anyone involved with a married man; don’t get involved with a married man in the first place!
Its on him to teach his daughter as well, the selfish thing is bad though, and divorces arent cheap
Help the child learn whenever you can. That child needs attention.
Focus on what you CAN do.
You can’t change her. You can TRY to stop enabling her, but ultimately the kids suffer (if they go without diapers etc).
Keep records. Screenshots of texts/msgs where you guys give her extra stuff. Keep receipts incase she comes after him for child support.
As far as your bf? I’d have a heart to heart and ask him about y’alls future. If his future is with you he needs to make it a priority.
How does he feel about her?? He could fight for sole custody during the divorce and you could potentially adopt them as your own.
Whatever you do, kids come first. Even if they’re not “yours”. They need an advocate.
First of all leave him until he is divorced. You are messing w a married man.
Unclear why you’re involved. This stuff should be handled by the father and mother of the children. What she does with her money isn’t YOUR BUSINESS!
Don’t bother yourself with her. Let him figure out that part. In the meantime…look elsewhere
You can’t change her. All you can do if you really love those kids is teach them yourself. If the father has a problem with it then HE needs to say something. I feel if you get involved with someone with children then you need to understand that your in their life too and if you love them treat them as your own. I know it’s hard when one parent doesn’t step up. But it’s also the father’s responsibility and yours to help those kiddos learn. If you love them like your own just be there and guide them while they are at your home. Nothing you can do about the mother.
He’s married. You’re nothing but the side piece.
Write all of this down on a calendar
It will help him in court
Leave him until he’s divorced. Best advice
AT THE END OF THE DAY ITS ABOUT THE KID(S)!! How is there now three parents in the picture and your complaining about the kid(s) not knowing basics? Step up step mom!! It comes with the territory with playing house with a married man 🤷
Some people can’t afford divorce, also sometimes one party won’t come to an agreement, might cost him more in the long run if they divorce…or sometimes ppl are still in love n split for a bit. All’s you can do is love those babies, teach then what you can… And discuss your feeling with this Man, also seeing as he is the father he should provide for the babies. Yeah she’s making poor choices but what can you do??? It’s up to those two to figure out cost splits n divorce…you entered a relationship knowing he was married kinda have to bite the bullet for now.
Did anyone read the part where its states his wife is his ex. They are SEPARATED meaning they plan to divorce. She is not a side piece. He is free.to date and so is his soon to be ex wife. Everyone needs to stop hating on her saying she shouldn’t mess with a married man. Divorce is expensive I dont blame.him for waiting to go through that process . Lots of people wait years to divorce
Well y’all letting her. 
take the kids away from her. She clearly shouldn’t have them.
what has the dad taught HIS daughter… and when it comes to the financial that’s between them two since they’re still married… honestly it would save you a lot of aggravations and potential heartache if you wouldn’t date a married person… he could easily dump you tomorrow and move back home… I would let your boyfriend take the lead on how to handle his wife
He is married still and he has you around his kids already ? wth … also he should have to potty train and teach these children also not just mama.
First off let me correct your title: How should I handle the situation with my boyfriend’s WIFE?
Next as his MISTRESS, you should let him handle HIS wife. You should probably be more worried about wasting a year of your life with a MARRIED man who is not attempting to get divorced. 
Leave him alone til he is divorce
She’s still his wife though, not an ex wife until the divorce is final
He isn’t divorced. No divorce = no child support to help the mom. The absolute LEAST he can do is give mom some diapers for HIS child. None of your business what she does with her money. If it bothers u that she asks for diapers, then buy some and give her so she doesn’t have to ask. It also falls back on not only mom, but dad and YOU for her not knowing any basics. You have her, you should help.
You mean your boyfriend wife’s? You sound ridiculous and jealous, if you feel like they need more step up or leave that married man alone