Hey, so I wonder if I can do an anonymous post? I would like other’s opinions on what they would do in this situation. My kids’ father and I are no longer together. I’ve finally put my foot down and won’t allow him to disrespect me or use me in any kind of way. But now that I have chosen to be the bigger person and step away from the relationship, he’s no longer putting in the effort to talk or see his boys. I have been the one who has to call him for them to hear from him. He won’t see them at all unless I bring them to him. If I don’t drop them off to him, he’ll tell me it’s my fault, and I’m a bad mom for doing the things he wants me to do for him. He’s refusing to pay child support. He’s refusing to do anything for them. I’m a big-hearted person, and I really want him to be part of their lives cause they need their dad. They cry to see him, and he refuses or makes up an excuse as to why he can’t see them. It breaks my heart more than anyone knows to see my boys get rejected because of me not wanting to be with him. I don’t know what else to do. I’m tired of begging him to be a father. I just want to cut him loose so bad, but I can’t do that to my boys. I really need some advice on this… I’m really lost with this and don’t know what else to do…
You’re not a bad mom at all, because he needs to put in effort to see y’all son if he’s not than that’s his own fault and he needs to deal with that
You cant force him to be a dad. Theyre probably better off.
Quit trying. It’s not your job to make him parent. Your boys dont need someone who doesnt even want them. They will cry for him for awhile but eventually they will see him for who he truly is and that’s not your fault. You tried and now it’s his turn. Let it go and I promise you will be a happier person and your kids will be too.
Honestly there is nothing you can do to make him step up. It does hurt to your kids but at the end of the day as a father he has to do his part. Other than seeing the kids there really is no other reason to communicate with him.
You can’t force someone to want to hang / be with their children .stop calling ,asking begging .if you need or want the child support than go to court …it her than that let him be …when the kids get older they will see for themselves what kind of a man he is ,and please if he says he is coming to see the kids don’t tell them this way you don’t have to make up a reason why he never showed .if they ask why they never see him tell the truth" you don’t know"
Just be there for ur kids hun u can’t force him to man up stay strong mama xx
I have been in the same exact situation, except I only have one little girl. I eventually got tired of it, I don’t ask him for anything anymore and I don’t push her to talk to him either. It is very sad specially because my daughter loves him so much but he don’t even look for her. I was lucky enough to find someone who loves her and is a father figure.
My advice would be to find as many resources and surround yourself with helpful positive people. Make your life easier without him. Is hard but is harder to rely on someone who fails you and the kids everytime and is doing nothing to help his kids.
Is easier to hurt one time by pretending he don’t exist than to keep hurting because he keeps failing as a parent.
The boys being rejected I’m sure hurts more then them not seeing him at all. Sometimes not having someone in our life is way better then constantly being emtionally abused by them.
Document everything, trust me document dates and times you contact him, or he contacts you document when he sees the boys. Make sure there is a parenting plan in place and request that child support goes through the state, that way it comes out of his pay before he sees it. As far as the boys missing their father if you have brothers, uncles, cousins or even your father spend time with them for guy time it helps. My ex refused contact for 3 years blamed it on me, I wish I had documented everything.
Make him pay through tje courts…
There r way to many real men who would love to b daddy for ur son remember that u don’t need him
You’re just hurting your kids in the long run. They are not a revolving door for him to come and go or be there when he wants.
Stop being the one to do everything, if he doesn’t want to put in the effort then that is his problem. I also recommend recording everything, have a notebook with times and dates with notes about contact of any sort, this will eventually help you with court.
I learned just to remind your kids your there for them and you can’t make their father be a dad I went through this situation, it killed me to the point I cried until I couldn’t breathe but I had to stay strong. Nothing no one said made the pain of losing there father any easier that’s including me hurting because he didn’t want to see the kids and hurting because he couldn’t put effort and for disrespecting me. Just breathe momma you got this !
Anita Carson sounds familiar 
I spent 13 years trying to get my ex to be a father to our son. He never made him a priority and now that my son is 15 he sees it for himself. It’s not worth the heartache. Cut ties and move on, my husband is the best father my son could possibly have.
They’re better off without him than they are with him in and out of their lives. If he wants to be there let him do the work and put in the effort, otherwise stop trying. Im sure it’s heartbreaking to hear them cry for him, but it sounds like you care for them very much and that means so much more than having a dead beat father. Good luck hun.
Its worse to have a “father” in and out of childrens lives rather then stay gone. Start documentation of everything and file for sole custody of children and child support.
You cannot force him to be part of their lives that’s his loss but you can file for child support which they are entitled too !!!
Don’t let him manipulate into doing as he wants you to do by telling you you are a bad mom for not doing as he wishes. You’ve parted your ways and it’s entirely his responsibility to be a dad now - he wants his cake and eat it to which is totally unfair to you and the kids. When he says he can’t pick them up have him tell them himself and give them them his excuses as to why - I’ve been through it and it didn’t take long for my boys to understand that it wasn’t my fault their dad didn’t come around but a choice he himself made. It will hurt them yes but in the long run it teaches the kind of man not to be when they get older and have children of their own. Good luck sweetie.
Forcing him to see the boys if he doesnt want to, or the other way around can be detrimental to their emotional health. You cant force someone to love your kids, even their father.
I would stop all visits and communication and make him put in the effort. You can’t make him be involved and if he isn’t going to be consistent in their lives it’s probably best he isn’t in them.
You have done everything that you could, if you don’t have a problem dropping them off i would keep that going because they will remember this when they get older. It’s not right for you to have to do all of this but for there sake i would do what i could , they will thank you later down the road.
You can’t make someone be the father they should be… You can go to court and they will make him pay child support
Quit trying. Get a court order for support and if he continues to not be a part of their lives go for abandonment.
Take him to court for child support and a set visitation schedule. Document when he does not call or pick them up.
My ex husband did the exact same thing when I filed for divorce. It is not your responsibility to make him be a dad. I stopped allowing my daughters father to come in and out when it worked for him. I put my foot down. He’s court ordered supervised visitations that he’s responsible to pay for, and he won’t. And neither will i. It’s his job not mine.
My daughter hasn’t seen him in like 5 years, and she’s way happier with him gone. It was hard for her at first but she sees now she’s better off.
You can’t force anyone to be a parent. It’s truly his loss! It’s ultimately your choice you can either cut him off or file for child support. You didn’t make those kids yourself
He is a jackass. If he doesn’t make an effort, that’s on him. He is behaving like a child. He is not your responsibility.
Take them to a therapist instead of forcing him to be a dad. Let him make moves showing he wants to see them.
Let the courts take over. You have tried now get everything in writing!
Don’t show your boys that a woman will always do for a man- take him to court. It’s not your job
Get yourself a custody and visitation order. Make a paper trail. You can’t force him to be a father if he refuses. My kids haven’t seen their dad since October. I had the same issue. All you can do is be the best mom you can be for your kids. As they get older, your kids will see who was present. I cried those tears of frustration. It’s just pointless.
First, go file for child support and custody. Just because he chooses not to pay doesn’t mean the courts won’t make him pay. He made those babies he can help pay for them too. The courts can give him visitations and make it so he HAS to either pick them up himself, meet you half way or come to some other kind of arrangement. If he does not comply with court ruling then you have to make sure you Document every missed visiting time, every txt or phone call about why he can’t or won’t make it. Document every time he misses a child support payment. Don’t feel guilty either!! It’s not your fault that he wants nothing to do with the kids since you left. You left to better yourself, your kids and y’all’s life so stick to that and remember what you are doing it for. The boys sadly will have to learn that mommy tried to make things work and really tried to get dad involved but dad couldn’t grow up and separate y’all’s relationship with parenthood. Best of luck mama!
Was this guy an asshole when you spread out for him? Honestly, well over 50% of you should have never been allowed to breed.
I don’t have this problem with my husband, but my dad was just like your bf. My mom and him split when I was 7 and he never made it a point to continue a relationship with us once they split. My mom always told us he loved us in his own way and tried to get him to see us as much as she could. Eventually we were old enough to realize where we stood in his life and your boys will to. It’s not a mother or fathers job to make the other parent fulfill their parental duties. In the end it’s their loss, I know for a fact my dad regrets the way he did is when we were younger.
First you need to take him for child support, alot men will start seeing their kid’s if they have to pay child support. From my personal experience I think it’s more damaging to a child when the father is in and out of their life.
This is just my opinion…He is their father. I understand you want him to have a relationship with his sons…But. You can’t make him care enough to do this. You need to sit down with your boys and explain how things are…I’m not telling you to bad mouth their father, but they need to know that you aren’t keeping them from seeing their father and he will when he is able to.
This is on him , not you.
Stop trying go get a court order. What he is doing is a form of abuse to you he is trying to manipulate you in to being the bad one
Just stop forcing him. One of my boys dad was the same. I stopped trying and it’s been 2 years since he’s seen him or talked to him. My son is 9 and in 2 years he’s only asked about him twice. Good riddance.
I wouldn’t get in touch with him, let him decide when he’s ready, believe me, your kids will realize how he is, soon enough
You cannot force someone to be a parent if if they don’t want to if they don’t love their child more than anything in the world I suggest you go to court and get his parental rights removed it’s better for your kids to not have them in their life because him coming in and out of their life it’s going to affect them in the long run also a suggestion therapy
When my youngest was turning 13, he said he missed his dad. I asked, “do you miss your dad or do you miss what you needed him to be?”
He said he missed what he needed, and never asked for his dad again.
We don’t get to make them be the dads that they should. And these wonderful kids deserve better than whatever tid but they get from them when we do all the work to get them to show up.
What will that teach the kids in the long run? What kind of example can they really be?
I got to where I cared and did for 2 parents. And they are better off for who they are today versed the crap my ex would have helped them become.
Take him to court. File for custody and he can have visitation set up. And file for child support at the same time. If he doesn’t follow the court orders he will be held accountable and you won’t have to be the “bad guy”. You can’t force him to do anything and you shouldn’t stress yourself out trying. Take care of your sons and make yourself happy! Stop giving him control of your emotions and your life. You deserve better and so do your kids!
My daughters dad use to be the same way when I left him she would spend hours crying and begging to see her dad all I would do is hold her and tell her that it would be okay that was when she was 3 she is now 11 and he sees her more often now but there will be times that he won’t take her like right now she hasn’t seen him since March she will call him and talk to him and even yell at him she is starting to learn how he is I don’t protect him anymore and make up excuses for him she is forming her own opinion of him yes she loves him to death and I will never keep them apart when he takes her he is a good dad but your kids will learn eventually also just don’t talk bad about him around them and let them form their own opinion of him
Stop forcing. If he’s not willing to put the effort in to see them then that’s he’s problem. Don’t call or message or try to arrange something leave that for him to do, he’s an adult. Get child support anyways. If he’s on the birth certificate he pays child support or gives up he’s rights. Stop letting him use you.
Stop enabling him. Don’t call him, don’t drop your boys off. Tell your boys a real man steps up & takes care of his kids. If he wants to talk to them, he’ll call. If he wants to see them, he’ll drop by. It’ll hurt. They’re already hurting & it’s sad. But they eventually see for themselves that dad doesn’t want to be their dad & that a woman doesn’t let a man step all over them.
I was going counseling to deal with alot of things in my life. He told me to stop. STOP IT ALL. Do not engage, do not ask, do not call if he ask how they are to say good and nothing else. Do not send photos, do not send messages, do not respond to anything. He knows when his visitation is its his responsibility to show up. If he showed up he would know how they were. If he doesn’t show up its his loss.
Stop the boy will see who had them and who cared he needs to put the work in take him to court for child support. It is not your responsibility to keep his relationship with his kids.
Yes it sounds like he’s using the children now to get to you , unfortunately for the children you can’t make him be the father they deserve , go after him for the support and dont chase him , and maybe get the boys into something like Kung foo ,.sports or music , something to give the self esteem and be around good roll models
You are doing all you can as their mother. You can not control what he does or does not do… yes the children might suffer for it but at the end of the day you are only prolonging yours and their pain. You can’t make someone step up or do anything. It’s not your fault things did not work out. It takes two to make it work or end it… your boys don’t need to see the one person who truely cares about their best interests and loves them, torn down by the person who treats them like they are disposable…
I don’t want to sound harsh, but theres not a lot you can do here. He knows and he wont step up. You can take him to court for child support and they can order visitation but even then, you cannot make him comply. You and your sons deserve better. Just move on. If/whenhe decides to be there, reevaluate. But what he’s doing to them isnt good for them mentally. Don’t let him break those kids. Be strong and be there for them despite his douchebaggery.
Don’t beg and then burn his butt for child support. If he won’t spend time with them he still should pay for them.
you cannot make him want to see them. get family court involved to get child support.
Sounds like he wants be cut loose can’t make someone be a dad that dont want be one
First off, he is still using and manipulating you by his refusal to put any effort into seeing his boys unless you call him or bring them to him. Get it? Second, am assuming you aren’t married to him, as you don’t refer to him as your husband, but, he is still responsible for paying child support whether or not he sees his boys. Contact an attorney so you can get an order for support for the boys and a visitation order. Don’t play his games anymore. Sever all contact with him on your part. If he wants to see the boys you will have the visitation order to go by. If not, it is his loss. Just give your boys all your love, and he can go to h**l!!
He became a father when they were born but it sounds like he is clueless about being a dad .I would make him pay child support ,they are his kids do pay .
I would tell him a set day/days you are happy for him to see his children, keep everything so you have proof you did your bit, if he doesn’t show up that’s his choice not to be in his children’s life hun not yours its hard being a single parent but its so rewarding be strong hun you got this
You can’t make him be a dad and you aren’t responsible for his actions or lack thereof. Your boys are hurting, but not because of you and you can’t fix it. It is what it is. I speak from experience.
I use to put up with alot from my kids father. Even after I left him for years. Until I realized it was doing more harm than good on not just myself but them. It sucks for the kids they are innocent but you can’t make him be a dad. But you can be the best Mom possible and they will be happy with just having you!
Do not reach out, so not drive them to him, do not enable his behavior. You are teaching your kids that it is okay to have one sided relationships, and that is not okay.
Let him crack on … you keep being the great mum you are x
as a grandmother sorta the same thing dont stoop to his level take him to court
as sad as it is you can’t force someone to be a parent so just stop trying to force it and let him realise that he is the one missing out, kids are pretty smart they soon realise what’s happening, and dont make excuses for him if your kids ask why havnt we seen dad be honest " I havnt heard from him" “He said he couldnt pick you up” “he was busy” it’s not playing games it’s just honesty and kids deal with truth better than excuses
Have ird chase up the child support
Or lay down the rules
You can have the kids on xx days YOU need to pick them up at xx am/pm and then I will collect them from you at xxam/pm
That way the ball is in his court if he doesnt show to pick them up then it’s all on him not you at all
And keep everything, emails, texts, keep a record of when he does have them etc if he arrived on time
Walk away. I usually wouldn’t ever suggest this but in this case, move on completely and start a new life for you and your boys as much as you can. Don’t let him destroy them like that.
From personal experience, you can’t make someone be a father. Go to court and file child support. And for the love of god whatever you do, do not bad mouth the kids dad. My son is almost 13, his dad has next to nothing to do with him and yes, there have been tons of tears and hurt feelings and I’ve given every excuse I can as to why his dad won’t see him but I do not bad mouth his dad. He is finding out how worthless his dad is, without my having to say anything bad.
It’s not your job to arrange the visits. Let him do it, and if he doesnt, then his loss. They dont need a jerk father. Get child support.
Get a court order for child support. And a legal custody agreement. Never speak bad about him in front of or within earshot of it kids. They will see him for what he is.
Stop forcing the situation. Don’t drop the kids off. Just stop letting him making you feel guilty. Make sure you do child support. These children don’t need the hurt and disappointment that this man will bring them. Just cut all contract until he decides to grow up and be a dad and if he never grows up then your children will be better off.
You need a custody agreement done and have Child Support established through the state. You need to stop catering to him.
I would say the boys love you and dammit they need you. There’s something really special about a dad and you are pretty darn special to them. But what’s up with how your acting? Men get really mad about child support and it’s understandable because that system is so fucked. It’s meant to create broken families. I feel you mama. We always want everything to be perfect for our kiddos. Talk to them too. If he doesn’t want to show up in the ways a dad is meant to, they deserve to know it’s about him not them.
You are not doing the kids any favors by forcing a relationship on his end and in fact you may end up doing more harm. Walk away.
Find a better father figure for your sons!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. I’m sure it hurts like hell.
Take it from a kid growing up. It was easier not having mines around. My poor husband would sit on his steps all weekend waiting for his father (that never showed up and made excuses later). I could feel the pain when he spoke of it 
Maybe you can explain the situation to your boys. They will understand it somehow . whats the use of forcing him to be a good father when the other doesnt want to be a good one to ur sons? You can raise them without him. You can.and you will
I was in this EXACT situation. When I let go of the stress and the guilt I felt so much better. Contact child support enforcement and they will garnish his check. Dont MAKE people parent. It’s a privilege and not a priority to some. Let it go or you will make life harder on you and your kids.
Drop the kids off then.
You cant make someone do something they dont want to do. Having to force a “parent” to see or talk to their kid is absolutely way worse than cutting him off. Dont waste your time. I know its heartbreaking to see your kids hurting. And child support will catch up to his ass eventually. Just enjoy your life and spend all the time you can with your boys. Be all that they need because they sure as hell dont need a “man” like that in their life. You’ve got this mama…you’re all they need and more!
If you haven’t already, you need to take him to court for child support and a custody agreement where you can put things in there like he must pick the kids up for his time but you will pick them back up!
He sounds like a narcissist to me. Take him to court. My ex has been the same way. Makes no effort. Pays support only because he has to. Eventually your boys will understand it’s not your fault. You can’t force their relationship. I did it for a long time until I said enough is enough. My kids are finally understanding.
My kids’ dad was the same way. He refused to see my kids because I had no interest in being with him anymore. I gave him a few more opportunities and he refused. I no longer tried and my family and I raised my kids the best way we could. My kids were honor roll from kindergarten to senior year in high school and really good kids. Ps… he never made an attempt to see my kids. It’s been 20 years now and my kids are still thriving in life. His loss.
he has to finance them til 18
Stop everything and let him file for visitation in court
If ya haven’t already file for custody n child support get welfare children’s services to help if needed but please do it ;") I’d get food stamps n medical for kids through state n trust me THEY WILL GO AFTER SUPPORT!!
Take him yo court but dont make him be a perent honestly if he doesnt do it willingly he doesnt deserve to be a dad
Stop trying if he wants to be there he would clearly he dont
As a child that was in that situation, it hurt, but I knew my mom wanted to spend time with us and my dad didn’t. I now have a relationship with my father but he has had to earn that on my terms.
I bet once you call that child support… Your going to get that call. And if you don’t then at least you’ll have the financial support you need to care for your children
It’s gunna hurt them more him coming in and out of their lives than it would with him not being there at all. Tell him either he’s all in or he’s not going to be around at all! File for child support
Take him to court and make him pay child support. And if he doesn’t want to come pick up his boys and spend time with them, that’s on him not you. Don’t feel guilty and don’t let him make you feel guilty bc he is a shitty dad.
Why would you want your boys to learn that type of behavior?
Unfortunately you can’t force someone to be a parent, if they don’t want to be. As far as child support goes, get an attorney and contact child support, he can refuse to you all he wants about it but when it comes down to it legally if you get it approved he’ll have no choice.
You should not have force dad. Move on with your kids.
Take to theraphy…
One day u will find a real man who will stand to the plate just because he loves you and take your kids.
Dad will this if he loves them he will what to do. Prayers
Dad will see this if he loves his children he will know what to do.
Wait til he gets a girlfriend… he will come back as super Dad and tell everyone you don’t let him see this kids. Mines wanted to be a dad as many times as he has had a girlfriend and 2 wives. Its tiring and expensive. Go to court now and make sure he doesn’t play these games with your kids anymore.
My ex did the same once I no longer put up with his shit and put him out he won’t contribute anything to the upkeep of our son and our son has to call him he won’t call him and he will go weeks without talking to or seeing our son unless he needs something. If I don’t give it he won’t make the effort to see our son and I don’t want my son to feel like he has no father but why does it always fall on the moms too see that their father stays involved in his life.
He is a piece of shit but won’t let our son suffer because of his actions
I’m so sick of these men that only want to be a dad if your with them. Sounds like he’s trying to use this to control you and get you back. Don’t give in! He will either change when he realizes he’s not going to win or he’s a pos and he won’t but unfortunately you can’t force him. My ex husband was a good dad until we split. I tried for years to get him to spend time with his kids. They are now 23 and 17 and he’s still not around. Some men are just to selfish and there’s nothing you can do but be the best mom you can be.
You’re not doing it he is put your foot down again and let him make the next move if this is the way he is your children don’t need to see him
Ur children will c wut hes doin on their own. I feared my son wud hate me if i didnt allow him 2 c his dad cuz of his dads on n off drug use. But hes 13 now… & 4 about 3-4yrs now hes told me he understands the things tht happened. Im jus sad i didnt cut things off sooner cuz mayb my son wudnt hv witnessed the horrible things hes had 2 w/ his dad. But either way, it may tk a lil while but they will c tht hes makin no effort.
Don’t force that man to be a dad.