If you asked your child to clean their room, they did so by literally throwing their toys on the shelf like overhand baseball throw, growling and pissy, then you said that isn’t how we clean, and they whacked you with a Superman cape, then you said no tv for the night, then they said I don’t like you, and I think you are stinky, so you sent them to their room, and they said they didn’t care the house is boring anyway, then you said you could stay in here until you apologize, then they came out 10 minutes later with a half-assed sorry, how would you proceed? Age 4 for reference.
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I would have an age appropriate conversation so they understand why you asked for an apology. They need to understand why their behavior isn’t acceptable. I would definitely keep to the no TV for the night, so they know you’ll follow through-that’s really important. And my kiddo would be cleaning his room, no matter how many meltdowns and no matter how long it takes. Stick to your guns. Also, if your kiddo tells you they don’t like you, chances are you’re doing something right. Just ignore it. My son is 13, and the number of times I’ve been told I’m ruining his life and he hates me is crazy. But I’m his parent, not his friend, and it’s my job to teach him acceptable behavior. He gets over it awfully fast.
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My 8 yo would be grounded for the rest of the day. 4 thooo im not sure mine is 3 and if i yell at him he says i dont love him lol when hes in trouble time out wise i do let him come out when he calms hos butt down. And he knows now and comes out saying im done and im sorry without me prompting him.
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Sounds like an early bedtime. As you are tucking them in, let them know that their behavior was unacceptable and explain to them what and why it was wrong. Don’t be harsh and remain calm and soothing. Tell them that you still love them and tell them that even though you had a bad day today, tomorrow is another new day and you can begin again tomorrow fresh and new. That’s what in used to do with my 3 when we had a trying day.
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I was raised different, my mama popped me. I cried and straightened up… but in today’s world. That’s child abuse.
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10 minutes is to long of time out for a 4 year old.
I would except his apology . Then ask him what made him act like that . Except his answer . Let him know how you would handle it next time . Give him a hug . 
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Clean with them. Maybe they’re overwhelmed by the task.
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Age 4 is a little young to clean the room by themselves, if you expect no attitude and a job well done. If you make a game out of it such as challenging them to beat a timer, or have them hand you the item you put it on the shelf, if you make it fun they won’t throw a fit. The hateful words are just them expressing anger, for having to do something they don’t want, let them know that kind of talk is not acceptable, that you know they are mad at you and they should just tell you that they are mad instead of using hurtful words.
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Literally just had a convo in a different Group about this kids at that age have no idea how to express them self’s or handle their emotions get books on how to use your words talk with him let him know what he did isnt ok help him identify his emotions start your sentence with i feel…because…when you… show him Daniel tiger he has a episode on this help him sort his feelings so it happenes less
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Ask him to clean his room. He’s 4 so help him. Once additude starts walk out grab trash bags, go back & start cleaning his room. Throw the trash bags somewhere he can’t see them. Do this every time the room is messy. Once he can keep it clean or has no toys to clean up he can earn bags back 1 by 1. The key is not to interact with him while cleaning. Don’t show emotions or react to what he says or does. Just quietly pick up his toys as if he’s not there. He’ll be confused. Later explain to him that since he refused to clean his room you did & how he will earn them back. Be consistent.
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I’d whoop that ass especially for him hitting you with something, and definitely for the attitude
I think so far you handled it well. However, following the apology with attitude id say go back tobyour room come back when its actually clean and youbhave a real apology… after that when tempers have simmered you meed to have a long honest heartfelt talk about respect and what an apology truly means.
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When my 4 almost 5yo throws a fit about cleaning I say “what do we do when we’re done playing?” Clean up! She says it she knows it. It kind of resets her attitude. I also like to say “it’s ok to be upset but we still have to follow the rules” asking if they need a hug helps too. If she’s really having a go about it she sits in her room for 4 minutes and goes and tries again. Even still? Then it’s an early bedtime and grounded the next day from shows or video games
Next time, if they start tantrum. Take a deep breath, sit on the bed. Ask them to come here. Look at them straight in the eyes, and say I will help you this time, but if you start throwing things, I will bag them up and give the toys away to other children that will want to take care of and play with. So let’s do this together so we can… Fill in the blank on a small reward…most little ones want attention, so play a game ir watch a program. Whatever their thing is. Guarantee first time will be tested and you will use that bag. After first item or 2 goes in they will stop, if not continue bagging. Each time ask are you ready to help? When done reward if helped, but bag items take away, don’t have to really give away hide bag. You can use it for rewarding later. If he didn’t help, stays in his room. For time out, let him know why, he gets 4 mins. By himself, you will go in when time is up. When you release, let him out, hug, kiss love you. Mother of 6, youngest right now is 3. It may take more than once. But they learn quick when they throw the wrong toy and it’s now gone. Even my 3 year old knows where everything goes.
I would tell my son that I understand he’s frustrated but he still needs to do as told and to try again, he will keep cleaning until he understands that the sooner he gets it done the right way the faster he can get back to what he wants. He can express his big feelings all he wants or needs but eventually he will realize its easier to do it right the first time
Everything is so overwhelming at that age. I had to back up from “clean your toys up” to “just pick up 2 things”. They have two hands and their little world understands that. When they come back, congratulate them, ask them to pick up 2 more… And so on.
By punishing him with every outburst, you’re only making him want to retaliate and his behavior worse. Don’t give into his attitude or being mean, by any means, but by saying that he loses anything or must be punished for his actions will only make his already angry attitude worse.
Next time he wants to start an attitude try to calmly get through it. You can either try to talk him through, “Hey, why are you being angry/mean?” - You can help him piece by piece to tackle the job at hand, walk away while he does the task if he starts getting angry towards you (sometimes giving them a moment can help de–escalate a situation), or start small; When in a good mood remind that if he can’t complete the task he may not get time with something he likes (or the flip side- can earn something).
When he is in an outburst that can’t be worked through (had tons of those myself) then place him in an area with no stimulation where he can safely express himself and cool off. Bedroom for example. Give him a few minutes or however long necessary, then go in and assess the situation. Try giving affection and then talk in through gently and slowly if needed. Hugs always calmed my girl down after expressing herself. Good luck.
I would seat our child down and tell our child that we dont act like that about the cleaning and take the tv away for 2 weeks sense its so boring and make them stay in the room with nothing till they apologized. We’d laugh about the stinky part an not liking us part and We’d tell them there not suppose to like us. however my husband said if they wasnt growling and showing out and thew stuff where it belonged than he would count that as a kid cleaning as long as they wasnt showing out an said atleast it would be cleaned,but if they was showing out than We’d seat them in there room an tell them they can’t act like that and tell them sense its so boring they can stay in there room till they apologize and ground them away from the tv for two weeks,and if that didn’t work than we’d put them in time out till they apologized,and after that if that didn’t work than they’d get a small pop on the butt or swatted on the hand for acting that way but We’d do every alternative as spanking is a absolute last resort for us,but if they wasnt showing out an cleaned that way than it would be fine an We’d laugh about the stinky part an not liking us as they’re only supposed to love us and not like us and my husband also agrees with this.
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Ass whoopin🙁…& I didn’t say abuse bc there IS a difference
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send them back to the room since the apology was half assed. tell them honestly, you don’t like it when i talk to you that way, i don’t like it when you talk to me like that. i’m going through the same thing right now. don’t let them rattle you. i disagree w/ the grounding, they’re like cats, attention span isn’t long enough yet.
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Nope back to the bedroom. Emotions are reeeeeaaally big at that age but you need to stand your ground and teach them how to handle themselves or you’re going to have a really shit human on your hands in the future.
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I have daily struggles with miss 3 and still trying to understand her behavior
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If this were me…I would take away anything that was thrown at me and not give it back , take all the toys that were tossed up and put them back on the floor and make my child pick it up again… while helping the child put away properly explain to them that their actions are not appropriate as for they name calling remember they are 4 and not fully able to communicate their feelings…even with the half ass apology still stick with he no tv… do what you say I feel if you or whoever gives in will only teach their actions are ok and that mommy will give us what we want anyways
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Oh hell no. Whoop that ass.
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Was kiddo cleaning by themselves or were you helping? I feep like it’s a REALLY big job for a 4yo to do themselves and maybe they were just so overwhelmed by it that they were acting out. Our PT and OT say that behavior is communication, when they can’t communicate with words they will act out. kiddo may not have the maturity to be able to tell you he is overwhelmed by such a big job. It may help to break it down and say something like (and im using a random example here, add your own thing in) ‘You put away the red cars and I will put away the blue cars’ and then HELP them find all the red cars as you are putting away the blue ones. I would also make sure I told them how their actions made me feel, but in a kind way. “I felt sad when you called me stinky” or “I felt angry that you were throwing your toys” Also, it may help to tell them how you think they felt in the form of a question. ex:“were you feeling stressed because cleaning was such a big job?” Remember, kiddo is ONLY 4, we adults have a hard enough time dealing with our emotions, and we’ve had so many more years of practice!
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My 8 yrs old daughter made me so angry tonight. I was shopping at walmart and she asked to go to her friends house and I told her no, she wasn’t listening and I told her I wasn’t going to reward her. She then started crying and calling me mean. People were staring at me and I tried so hard not to loose it. Today is my birthday. I wanted to cry when I was checking out. She just wouldn’t stop. Ugh
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- Make sure your expectations are age appropriate.
- Set clear boundaries and give frequent reminders of expectations, schedules, etc.
- Remember small children can only focus for approximately the same number of minutes as how many years they are old.
- Most psychologists and the AAP recommend against spanking.
- Help them label and express their emotions in an acceptable way
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Take EVERYTHING out of the room. Leave the bed. And maybe a couple of books. Let them know if they can’t clean after themselves and throw a fit when asked to, they aren’t ready to care for toys.
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At 4 they need help and encouragement to clean. Make a game out of it 
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Make a game out of cleaning. Express how you don’t like when he calls you names like stinky and we don’t throw toys around even when we’re upset. He’s still little he’s not gonna comprehend his emotions quite yet. I agree with sent to room until calmed down and can apologize. If they aren’t giving an sincere apology then sent right back to room until they can mean what their saying.
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Lots of patience, encouragement and redirecting. Don’t see how hitting a child as others may have suggested helps a little control their big emotions.
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Patience, positive enforcement and helping them understand and regulate their feelings… a hug can also be necessary.
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That’s kids but when you both calm down you need to explain how to clean things and what not to say to parents but remember they are still young and they love you and you love them. Everyone has bad days and everyone gets frustrated
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This child is 4 right, the world’s such a crazy place to be in right now. We are finding things difficult and hard to understand, imagine how a 4 year old feels. Not even worked out feelings yet. Be patient and calm, talk and explain what you expect and explain what you want him to do. These children don’t need smacking, they need love and understanding. And yes boundaries. Lots of different ways to sort this. Just lots of trials and errors. Good luck x
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A few things missing from this story. 4 years old and sent to the room to clean it the way YOU, an adult want it done. Then you rub salt to the womb and tell that CHILD they are doing it wrong. Children at that age are more susceptible to being shown and praised for efforts. They follow the leader, and with time they learn to do it independently. Team work mum, you may get a better response, and remember, only 4.
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My momma used to put everything we owned in garbage bags and make us earn them back with good/respectful/helpful behaviour…
Try doing a rewards system? Instead of losing privileges for not doing what he’s supposed to have him earn privileges for doing what he’s supposed to
I let my kids have their feelings.
Angry about something you don’t want to do, that’s fine, but you still have to do what is being asked of you.
Find a way to deal with the angry, then get to work.
Make him at the kitchen table silently until he’s read to apologize and clean his room. No food, tv, tablets, music etc. He can have a glass of water and ask you if he needs to use the bathroom.
I mean he’s 4… offer to help so he can see how YOU want it done. If he put his toys away he did as you asked… just not how YOU wanted it done.
We have to remember our littles sometimes done throw how to express themselves fully. We can’t get upset each time they do things their way. After all they are their own person.
Haha that’s funny! So have been there still am! I have no advice tho
My 6 year old still puts up a fight to do anything
He was used to being the baby and didn’t have to do anything him self and now he has a almost 2 year old brother and still hasn’t changed still puts up a fight to do anything
I’d take all the kids stuff away and leave them with a bed
Stop doing the power struggle thing, nobody wins. His negative behavior is still getting a response. Give him a choice: you can put your toys away nice or you can (insert a worse choice). Giving choices sometimes helps to diffuse tantrums. Obviously all situations can’t be handled so easily. My son was very difficult when he was young but consistency and giving him choices in both negative and positive situations helped reduce a lot of frustration
Sounds totally normal to me lol. I wouldn’t call that an outburst. It’s a 4 year old acting like a 4 year old 
Personally, i don’t respond to the “I hate you”. Or anything like that. Even as kids they’re entitled to their opinions and feelings. But after the outburst is over and we’re talking about the behavior I tell them that saying things like that hurt peoples feelings and make them sad. I’ve made my kids re clean a room multiple times because of their attitude while they do it. Consistency and following through. Also, if you want them to apologize genuinely then they need to witness you apologize genuinely as well. Lead by examble
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At the age of 4 you really need to help them and make it fun not a chore! If it’s possible, have a designated area for certain toys! Children get overwhelmed with so many toys, so put a few away that don’t get played with very often, less to end up on the floor. When they get bored with other toys, put them away and bring out something you had put away! When you help them clean up make it a game, “one for you and one for me!” In no time it will be done and less hassles! Good luck!
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4 years old. Instead of dictating, teach your child. Do it together and give good praise. Communication is key.
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I agree With what others are saying…just add “I’m gonna vaccum your room and if your toys aren’t put up…then the vaccum will eat them and mommy can’t get them back”. Worked like a charm for mine!
I’m an adult, and I hate cleaning my room. 4 year old doesn’t have any idea how to do it. One thing at a time, like “first the cars need to go here”. Kids get overwhelmed fast, especially if they don’t feel like they are doing something “right”. Show him, and then show him again. They will follow your quiet example.
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Take all the toys out of the room and make that child earn them back one by one
I thought about this, and have a suggestion. Instead of just a shelf, have some baskets or bins for different kinds of toys. Then just let him fill one of them at a time. I think it might help make both your lives easier.
I went into my daughters room with a big ol black garbage bag. Collected everything on the floor and “threw it out” (put it in my closet and threw the kitchen garbage out, she still though it was her toys). Told her every toy I stepped on from now on went straight to the garbage. She kept it pretty clean after that