What do I tell them without hurting them? I don’t want to force my opinions on them. I don’t want to make them feel unworthy and I don’t want to ignore them or make it seem like their feelings aren’t valid. I’m at a loss. Please help me I’m so scared of breaking their little hearts.
My children’s father is an alcoholic and a frequent drug user. He isn’t fit to be around my children as he won’t change. He had years to prove me wrong, he chose not to. Because of that I’ve chose to do this alone as I grew up with that kind of parent and it shattered my childhood. My children are now 4 and 3 and asking about their dad.
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We have our nieces and nephew due to a very similar situation. When they came to live with us and they asked why we told them that mommy was sick and until she got better they had to live with us. That was almost 10 years ago. Now that they are older they have witnessed her behavior/actions. The oldest wants nothing to do with her. Just recently she made the comment “she isn’t my mama” I told her yes she is the woman who gave birth to her and she will always be her mother. She said " well that doesn’t mean she’s my mama tho" she’s 14. And was 4/5 when they came to live with us. She remembers things that no child should ever have to remember. The others are 12&9. They don’t remember anything from when they still lived with her. If you would like you can pm me on fb.
I grew up with divorced parents, living 90% with my mum as my dad is an alcoholic and drug user. Mum was always really careful to explain the difference between behaviour and identity - while his behaviour was not good and meant I couldn’t be around him much, that didn’t change his identity as my father and as someone I could love unconditionally as such. His behaviour hasn’t changed and we don’t speak (I’m now 28) but it meant a lot to grow up knowing that even though he had his issues, I never felt like my father was a bad person. Bad behaviour but not bad identity. My advice is to be honest but always try and remind your kids that their dad has/had good qualities too and is worthy of love, but boundaries mean they don’t have to tolerate the bad behaviour. You can love unconditionally but prioritise your mental and physical health!
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to help my kids through having an alcoholic father?
When my oldest asked about her dad, I told her that he just wasn’t ready to be a dad yet and hopefully one day he will be and then they can meet if she wants to, but for right now, it’s just mommy.
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I tell my daughter daddy is sick and away. He will be back when he better.
It’s not a full lie.
See if he can maybe have supervised visits. That’s what I’m doing with my girl.
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He’s sick and has to get better
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Tell them their dad is too ill to be around them. And when they are older Tell them the whole story.
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My ex husband was inconsistent after our divorce. He was on drugs real bad. I told my kids their dad was sick and they couldn’t see him til he got better. It worked they were 3&4
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I just say " dad is sick right now" mine are now 5& 6
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You can explain that their father is sick, and because he is sick, he doesn’t make good choices and that he can’t be a good dad while he is sick.
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They are too young to understand addiction so tell them Daddy is sick and he’s got to get some help from some doctors before he can come see them. Keep it simple. It’s not a lie but it’s not a truth that they can’t understand either
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. Following. Im the same with a 5 year old and a 3 year old. How to explain this situation to a toddler (5 year old who seems confused as to why he has 2 homes) without hurting him emotionally and mentally…
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Daddy is away taking care of himself right now, and I hope one day soon he’ll be around , but hey you got me 
… which I have also been saying this for 7+yrs.
So they are now 12/15
Tell them daddy is sick and needs to get some help. Don’t make judgement statements to them or when they can hear. My sons got old enough to make their own decisions. It was hard not to tell them something bad but I tried very hard not to. Let them figure it out as they get older. Young children you just answer questions they ask and give no further info. A simple answer is usually best
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Explain that he has an addiction, that the addiction means he makes unsafe choices. Which means he can’t see them, because he isn’t safe to be around. Don’t lie, don’t say he is sick, use the word addiction.
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We tell my bonus babies 9 5 and 3 that momma is sick and working on herself when she gets better she will be back. I knew no other way to deal with it
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When they were little I told my pair “that you father does love you but he hasn’t been taught how to think about anyone else before himself.” As they got older and understood about drugs/alcohol I told them as above and said that he uses drugs. A little bit older I then discussed how violent he was and my eldest remembered some of the behaviour. I left when my boys were 5ys and 1yrs of age. It is important that the children learn it is nothing to do with them. Mine never had access after he failed the steps he had to take to have unsupervised access and he couldn’t be bothered so they haven’t had anything to with him for over 14 yrs now. My pair are adults now. They are doing fine in life. Just don’t you as the mother have a victim mentality. Families are all different these days - some people are dingle parent through divorce, through death of a parent, through personal choice of the woman to have a child.
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Maybe just explain to them that their daddy is sick and because of that, he can’t take care of them like he needs to right now.
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You can’t stop that heartbreak you just need to be the parent who stays strong to help them through it… and remember kid’s know what’s up
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“Families look different for everyone. Some families have a mommy or a daddy, or a mommy and grandparents, or 2 mommies or 2 daddies. Our family has a mommy and etc who all love you very very much!”
First and foremost explain that it has absolutely nothing to do with them in any way. Daddy is just sick. When he’s well he can visit.
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Tell them Daddy is sick right now he can’t be with them
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Tell them daddy loves them very much, but he’s very sick and it could take some time for him to get better.
Have your kids draw and color pictures for daddy.
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I grew up with an alcoholic father and suffer ptsd and have had adult children become drug addiction it’s a horrible life, tell your children daddy is sick
When i made my kids dad leave, about 9 years ago now, kids were around 3 n 4. They didnt understand then so i said he was sick. They are 11 n 12 now. They know their dad is a dru k, bc whe he used to visit they would ask him if he was druunk. They used to be sad he didnt visit them but there was nothing we coudl do. That’s how he chooses to live his life. Hes an even bigger alcoholic now. Everyday. Doesnt see his kids. So i stopped drinking n i only ever drank jaybe 1 or 2 a month n i always went out n the kids were usualoy sleeping qhen i got back. They know their dad is sick. Thats hes drunk as they w9uld say or probably drinking. So now they dont really talk or ask about him anymore. But it toufh tho. As a single mother it is tough doing this on my own. I get stressed n say its not fair. But everything i do is for these children of mine. To make sure they know they are loved and safe.
From a kid who is now an adult who delt with these issues tell them their daddy is sick or unwell and has to get better and untill he’s able to get better he can’t be around right now he still love ya and he misses ya he just needs to get better. and when they are old enough and ready tell them the truth , I’m sorry your going through this.
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Tell them the truth, their father is sick.
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Tell them he has an illness and is working to get better so he can be a better dad my dad died from alcoholism when I was 3 it is hard
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I tell my son that his dad makes bad decisions and it’s my job to protect them from them decisions.
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My children’s father suffers from addiction as well. It’s turned him into an aggressive and unsafe individual. I explained it to my children as he is sick and he can’t see you until he gets better. They understand. It’s age appropriate and accurate. They haven’t seen him in 2.5 years now. They don’t ask about him or anything.
At 3-4 I just told my kids their dad was working when they asked. We split for more reasons than just his drinking but 
. When school comes it gets harder. They ask more because they see kids with their dads. Last year I felt my youngest was old enough to comprehend the actual truth so I told them the truth. Regardless of if you tell them now or wait it’s still gonna hurt them hun. My best advice is to try and wait until they both can understand the situation. My kids were 7 & 9 when I told them
I wasn’t in a substance abuse problem, It was similar though. I told my daughter I had to go away because of my mental health. I explained it wasn’t their fault, and my head just wasn’t safe for them to be around.
I would do something like this. Explain their father is sick in the head, and it makes him hard to be around. Tell them you’ll tell them more as they get older. Keep it simple and truthful.
How about it’s not safe at daddys house right now and my job is to keep you safe
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Explain that he is sick. That’s not a lie.
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My sons dad was an alcoholic and I told him for years his dad was poorly and couldn’t look after him because of it, they were back in touch for a few years when he got to about 14 but his dad passed away a couple of years ago due to the effects of long term alcoholism, just tell your kids he’s poorly it’s far easier for them to understand and not a lie either
Just let them know he is sick and can’t be around them.
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your dad has an illness and can’t be around you right now. Sorry.
Tell them that their Dad has a sickness that only he can help fix. Say he needs our prayers to help him. Then tell them you love them and then get on with your life with them. And let him live his. God bless you and your kids
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“Daddy is sick right now, once he gets better you can see him.”
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I went through it raised mine alone your kids young enough short simple answer should satisfy them after awhile they will probably quit asking God bless you 
Tell them daddy isn’t well and we’re giving him space to sort himself out
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I’ve been going though this exact same thing for the past 4 years. My babies are 14, 13, and 8. These 4 years have been extremely hard for them, but they’ve learned and figured out things for themselves. And ultimately have recently made their own decisions that they would rather not have anything to do with him. They’ve experienced enough and are old enough to know he’s toxic… With my youngest, I would always tell him his daddy was sick and needed to find a way to get better. I’m extremely sorry that you and your babies are having to go through this. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’m only a message away!
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Just say he’s sick and they can’t see him right now due to him being sick but once they get older you’ll need to tell them the truth before they go out looking for him n he tries to say you took them and wouldn’t let him see them. So for now just say he’s sick
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Be honest without telling them more than they need to know or understand at this age. I explain it to my daughter this way (her dad isn’t an alcoholic or on drugs to my knowledge) but we split basically the day after she turned 4. I tell her her dad’s walking a path and at the end of this path he has two options. Option one is to get the help (or whatever he needs) so he can start rebuilding a relationship with his daughter or he can take path #2 where he can’t be involved in her life because it’s not safe.
Shes understood that since the day we left. She doesn’t need all the gory details, just that he’s been given two choices and it’s up to him to decide which path he wants to take. And even if its what we consider the wrong one it’s not because of her, it’s because of himself.
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Seek therapy for all of you as well as al-anon & talk thru it with professionals & get the help you need as well to deal with your childhood trama…
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For right now Daddy is sick & not able to take care of a family until he gets better
Leave it at that. It’s simple terms they can understand.
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Tell them the truth. He is sick and can’t come around until he gets well.
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I’m assuming that you and dad aren’t together anymore, if that’s the case, you make excuse after excuse after excuse for him. You’re not doing this for HIM, you’re doing this for them. My ex-husband was a real POS. We split when my daughter was 3. She constantly asked for him. I made excuses…. Dads at work… dads sick… dads busy right now. I know that sounds bad, but it beats telling them dads drunk… dads high… I don’t know where he is… I don’t know why he won’t call/answer the phone. Like my daughter did, they will eventually learn the truth on their own and in the process, they will realize it was him that put himself/drugs/alcohol before them and NOT you that kept them/him away.
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Don’t lie and make excuses for him
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Tell them he’s sick.
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Explain them he has an illness. And affects his relationships.
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Tell them their dad loves them very much but just isn’t well right now and that hopefully someday he will be better and able to come see them.
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Your father has an illness and it makes him not realize what is most important in life. It doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you but it is currently preventing him from being the father he could be. Maybe one day he will get the help he needs. In the meantime, I am here for you always.
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That daddy is very sick and he needs to get better before they can see him
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Dad is sick and has to go to the doctor for help like a big boy. After he does that and doesn’t feel sick we can see him. Just keep it simple.
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Just tell them he loves them and you’ll talk to them about it when they’re old enough to understand. I have to tell my 6 year old this all the time. His dad dipped out when he was 2.
I think the best thing my dad told me about my mom…”she loves you but in a different way that I show I love you.”
It assures them they aren’t unworthy of being loved because of any circumstances but that the love is shown in various ways.
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At their age, they are too young, but better they don’t see him drunk/ drugged. Best for you & your kids to be away from him. I was married to an abusive alcoholic- close to 30 years. Finally had enough, my kids were grown when we divorced. Believe me- it scarred my children. They were there through his alcoholism. Thank God they grew up to be totally different than their father. I so regret putting my children through that kind of childhood… God bless you to do the right thing for your children’s sake. Tell them daddy is sick.
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I would tell them he’s sick and can’t be around until he’s better. When they get older, you can explain his illness in a kind, understanding way. You can also explain that you needed to keep them away from him to protect them, because when people are sick like that sometimes they do dangerous (or scary, or unsafe, etc…) things. You wanted him to be ok first.
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I can relate so much . My daughter is 4 turning 5 . Her dad has been in and out of jail since day one . Never around . In and out of her life . I don’t trust him alone . I took him to court got full custody he has supervised visits . That’s all I’m giving him . So when my daughter does ask about him that’s all she gets right now and she understands . 4 year olds are very smart . Just do what you think is right
Tell them that your daddy is making bad choices that can hurt our family and me as your mom don’t want that to happen. In our home we make right choices and treat each other with respect no matter what. We cooperate and maintain house rules.
Telling them he’s sick makes the kids confused. They might ask why not let daddy recover from home?
Also tell them in a neutral tone.
Lying just to shield them from pain makes it more painful in the long run.
Praying for your family. Be strong momma!
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My daughter’s (she 4) she was 3 months old when he got sent to prison the first time. I’ve always told her he loves her but he is making bad choices and that is why he can’t see her right now but when she is older she can choose to know him or know more. He’s in and out of prison and on and off drugs.
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You can tell them that their father is sick and unable to get well at this time. That he loves them but his sickness keeps him away
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I’m in the same situation. I say dad loves you differently and there is nothing wrong with you, you’re perfect and he is missing out on everything you do as you grow.
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My 2 youngest kids dad is an alcoholic. What I did was tell them he had to go work at a job a long way away (he was a long way away but he didn’t work). And then I told them that they were allergic to alochol, cigarettes, and drugs except what a doctor can give them, because the Dr knows what they aren’t allergic to. I mention it to their teachers so they can help reinforce the ‘allergy’. Now that they are older, I’ve explained that their dad is an alcoholic and it doesn’t make him a bad person but alcohol makes him make bad decisions.
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I tell my daughter that her dad has problems and an addiction problem and needs help and if he chooses to help himself and change his life than he can see her… she has watched him go in and out of jail I gave him multiple chances tried to help him…I have to do what’s best for my child…I sought advice from a psychologist they told me always be honest and tell them what’s appropriate for there age…her well being is my priority. She is 10
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I cannot give you advice because I still don’t know how lived through with an alcoholic mother. I did eventually make the choice as an adult to mostly cut her out of my life though. I’m so sorry that your children have to deal with this. It’s horrible, and heartbreaking. I will pray for your children.
Maybe try court ordered supervised visits? There would have to be someone present making sure they’re safe and they’d still get to see and spend time with him. Eventually as they get older, they’ll start to form their own opinion on him. And at that point, however they end up feeling will totally be on him. He can’t blame you for the outcome of their relationship because you didn’t alienate him from the kids. Maybe eventually he’ll see what’s more important, alcohol & drugs vs. his kids.
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When they’re 18 they can make that decision but babies need your protection
You can honestly say " Daddy isn’t feeling well right now" and leave it at that until they get older, hopefully you won’t have to explain it. Best wishes to you on this, very difficult to deal with this, i have first hand experience😪
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Make sure they know he loves them, he’s just sick. When they’re older you can tell them the truth or they’ll figure it out for themselves.
I tell my 2 that daddy is sick and can’t see him until he gets better. It is a sickness at the end of the day so I’m not lying to them by saying that. And as they get older I’ll explain in more detail why
Tell them that their father loves them but he has some big boy problems that he has to work out. Don’t stress too much. One day when they are older you can tell them the truth and they will understand. Been preparing for this with my little about his father too. Good luck mama
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I was In similar situation and I told my son that sometimes mummy’s and daddy’s have children and are not ready to be parents but that doesn’t mean they don’t love them. I told my son I was there and I was super ready but his daddy was taking longer to be ready. I absolutely hated him at the time because of what he was choosing to do. My son is now 14 and has been seeing his dad since he was 7 and they have an amazing relationship. My son said to him after about 6 months of contact. “Does that mean your ready to be a daddy now” my ex told him that he was and he has proved himself to his son. Obviously it doesn’t all work out as well as it has for my son but my son accepted what I said and wasn’t upset about it at the time
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When my son asked about his dad, who was also an abuser of many substances, I just said that sometimes parents can have different kinds of illnesses that make it hard for them to be a parent. At that age, they don’t need more than that. I never talked down about his dad. My son is 18 now and knows the truth about his father from his own conclusions, and he does not want to be like his dad.
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Children are curious and understand a lot more than we give them credit for.
How old were your children when you left ? Have they ever known their father ?
Even toddlers know when something is wrong in the home and if they’ve been around him they will know that something wasn’t right.
Dont lie to them…that will come back and bite you.
My daughter was 3yo when I left. I just told her we were moving to get our own house. That her dad loved her but we couldn’t stay with him any longer and she would still see him when he felt well enough.
My husband was a violent drunk and I really thought my daughter hadn’t seen or heard anything but she had and it does affect them
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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to help my kids through having an alcoholic father?
I told my son his father was sick and I took all of the heat for keeping him safe when he got older and his dad got sober I told him the truth they now have a wonderful relationship. My daughter saw on her own that she didn’t want anything to do with her alcoholic father for years I made sure she was available to him but only supervised until she stated that until he cloud sober up she wanted nothing more to do with him. I take the heat for that his family still stays I’m keeping her from him even though she’s nearly 17 I’m ok with that. At the end of the day you must do what’s best for your babies they are your number one priority and you only get one chance to do this.
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Explain to them that their father will always be their father but he needs to get help right now. He isn’t sick but he has a little problem he needs to fix and he can’t come home until he fixes it. Give them an example of something that pertains to that. Honestly, usually men like that don’t change and you cannot allow that behaviour in front of your children so you are doing the right thing by walking away. I went through the same and through violence and many other things with my ex and we had 6 children together and I spoke straight out to them from the beginning. You aren’t talking bad about the other parent but you need to be upfront. Since they are so young, just stat off with what I wrote in the beginning and as they get a little older you can be more straightforward. The last thing you want in the world is for your children to end up allowing someone like that in their life and them falling apart emotionally and physically and the last thing you want is them following in those foot steps. So, good for you. It’s hard in the beginning but when you put your mind to something and you think of your children’s well being over anything, you will achieve so much and they will be happy and proud of you in the end. Stay strong always for yourself and for them. You can do it!!!
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I’ve dealt with this. I explained to my daughter that her dad is sick, but also that he is choosing to make himself sick. And that he needs help to stop making himself sick and until that happens it isnt safe for her to be around him. She is also 6 so there is an age difference.
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I have told my kids since a young age that their dad’s aren’t around because they don’t make very good choices but he loves them and I love them and I’m here for them. Just be as honest as you can and when they get older they eventually see it themselves my kids understand now that they are older but it takes them awhile my 10 year old still asks and now my 12 year old will answer the question for me. Just love them and take good care of your babies❤
Let the child find out for themselves what their dad is all about. Only then will they be able to make a decision. They have a right to know without you having to decide what they should and should not know. Honesty is the only way to go because there is no hidden agenda, good or bad.
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I say I’m sorry your dad can’t be here he’s busy working far away. And when they are old enough to actually understand the situation you tell them the truth. You don’t have to force what you feel or believe, you say the truth and let them decide for themselves how they feel.
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I tell my girls that his dad is sick and getting help (even though you know he isn’t) my kids are 11 6 and 4 …and the younger 2 kids have never really known them.
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You tell them that daddy is sick and is trying to get better but he can’t be around them cause they might get sick too… with their age that’s what I would say… as they get older then you can explain it a little more
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I told my kids that their father was sick and would come back after he was feeling better. Sadly he let his addictions get the better of him and he passed away
I told my daughter the truth, course she was 9 years old when she found out that her step dad wasn’t her biological father. We ran into him at the store and told her he was her dad. So I had to explain to her why she didn’t know him, that he was addicted to drugs and would steal from her and her sister to buy drugs. She’s 22 now and he’s still addicted to drugs and in and out of prison.
My situation is exactly this. I told my children’s bio father that he can see them after rehab because the kids started to have to be hospitalized after visits.He got even more violent towards me and then dropped off the face of the planet after he realized I wasn’t budging.That was 2013.My youngest was maybe 2 when he stopped interacting with her.She’s 10 now and doesn’t remember him.Only the man who picked up the pieces and she thinks he’s her bio dad (which is preferable considering her bio father’s description of her when he left was pretty much a second rate unwanted smudge on the bottom of his shoe that he told me to give to someone else who wanted her).My oldest is just terrified of him.Last I heard he was still a alcoholic meth addict like always… I have no intention of telling my youngest that he exists until she’s old enough to understand.My oldest (she’s 15 now) knows that whenever she’s emotionally ready to,she can contact him. She prefers not to.Sometimes separation is a big plus.Anyone who expects a child to interact with a toxic person is a toxic person as well.Children are children.Period.Adults are protectors for a reason.
My ex has the same problem. Whatever you do, don’t lie to your children! They need to be able to have parent they can trust and depend on. If you start lying to them now, you will break that trust, and I don’t think it can be earned again.
I told my children that their dad is sick, and he needs to get help to be better. That it is up to him to do it, and that it is my job as their mom to keep them safe until he is healthy and able to spend time with them. He has to be supervised to have visits with them, and I don’t tell the kids that we are going to see him unless I know for sure he’s showing up. He has the rest of their lives to disappoint- but it will be him doing it, not me breaking their hearts.
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I have dealt with this they will learn as they get older dont down their father they will figure it out…it was the way for me and my son he finally realized it hisself…
It’s hard in that situation. My dad is an acholic and druggie. And I had to learn for myself as I grew older. Because they are so young now I would just tell them dad’s not in a good place right now and when they get older they can contact him. And if they want a relationship with him once they are older they can ( but let them see for themselves for sure) don’t be the parent they blame. My experience in life in every situation is one must experience it on their own to learn and grow from it.
My son’s sperm donor doesn’t want anything to do with him but I found someone that stepped up to be his father. When my son asked about his bio. I told him what he wanted to know and said once he turned 18 he could try and connect with him if he chose. He hasn’t asked about him since.
Only time will heal this one been there and done that myself just love them things will improve
I just said “daddy doesn’t live around here anymore”
Don’t lie to them or one day you will regret it…
Don’t lie to them or v
I have a question. Do you and the children live with him?
There are plenty of pages here on Facebook that deal with addiction
Tell them their daddy loves them but has some problems and that God has everything in his hand…That they are very blessed children
My son is 5 he doesn’t know his “dad” he’s an addict and a very selfish person … my son started off making up that his dad lives far away then he told people he was dead… I don’t speak of his dad because I don’t want to say bad things and I also don’t want to lie. I explained to him that he doesn’t see his dad because he’s making bad choices… and we leave it at that …