How to I explain to my mom that she is causing problems?

My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 yrs he has 2 boys from a previous relationship 9yr old and 8 yr old, I have 1 from a previous relationship 7yr old and we have 1 together 1 yr old.. we are a big family we accept each other we love each others kids as our own, etc..

My mom has been taking my son every weekend (started off so I could work weekends and just never stopped), but she doesn’t take the others she says she takes mine so he can have some quiet time to himself when he dont have to share his things etc. (I wouldn’t ever ask for her to take all of them at one time, they can be a handful at times) but she doesn’t want my bfs 2 boys to come to her house(she hasnt said that but I know she dont). She only invites me over when my bf is home, so I can leave his kids home w him, then she asks me to bring our baby. She spoils the shit out of my son And our daughter, brings stuff home (when she drops my son off) for the 2 of them, but rarely for his 2. She does buy them stuff for bdays and Christmas but always has better gifts(electric scooter Nintendo switch etc.) for my son for when no one is around, my bfs 2 get 1 toy and 2 outfits, which I am grateful for. Treats his 2 not as great when talking to them, to the point I have stopped talking to her other then to pick up my son, have had huge fights with her about this, my brother has said something to her a couple time, and me and my bf fight about it all the time too because I don’t like conflict and don’t know how to tell her without getting really mad and fighting with her.

107 Likes

Unfortunately the only thing to do is talk to her. It doesn’t have to be a fight, but I would show her your serious. Don’t let her pick up your son, don’t go to her house when she says to just bring the baby and your child. If you’ve talked to her about multiple times and nothing has changed, you need to do something physical. Like stop her from seeing the kids. She’ll get upset, but it’ll make her realize you’re serious. Once you wait a little bit, tell you guys can talk then explain what happened. It’s very rude to act like that, & his kids are old enough to see what’s happening, I’m sure they’re hurt. & obviously your partner is hurt by it and that’s why you argue. I would tell her that you don’t expect her to take all the kids at once every time since it can be a lot, but she needs to start including them more…They’re your family.

The only way to solve it is to talk to her pain and simple. You’re just going to have to speak to her like an adult and lay down some boundaries as well as consequences for not following those boundaries. And then follow through. No other way.

Honestly you are not married to him so those are not your step kids … maybe she is hesitant to invest time and money not knowing if this is a life commitment. As long as she is kind to them it is not her responsibility to coddle them at this point.
Do his parents coddle your kids?
I just don’t feel they are required to till you are married… Then they would be your step kids and should be treated equally.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to I explain to my mom that she is causing problems?

All these children are one family. They are siblings and should be treated exactly the same…id tell her just that then its up to her whether she wants to see ALL her grandchildren…or none

10 Likes

You need to say something regardless if it makes her mad or not. If she can’t accept them or treat them like your kids then maybe she needs to have limited access or no access to your daughter n son until she treats the other two correctly. I’m telling u now that if u n your boyfriend are fighting abt this it’ll be the downfall of the relationship cause he’ll put his two kids in front of you n leave cause of how they’re being treated by your mom cause that’s what parents do

5 Likes

It is better to fight with her than to not stand up for your boyfriend and his kids. You might want to put her in her place before you lose him because he wants better for his kids.

8 Likes

Tell her! You’re worried about ruffling the feathers of a grown woman! A grown woman that is wrong in soooo many ways and mistreating children in the process. Yeah, her feelings are irrelevant at this point. You better tell her because your family doesn’t deserve to be divided nor looked at as if some are better and worthy and some aren’t. That’s never okay and if she is grandma she needs to be that for all. I don’t like what she is doing! Children understanding and their feelings are probably hurt. This brings me to another situation within it all. She can’t really be trusted with the other boys in my eyes because she doesn’t see them as hers. Idk her so I’m not saying she will abuse them but she won’t live on them like they’re hers like she does the others. That’s an issue. Yeah, I unfortunately momma needs to do home visits to your home and she needs to bring treats n gifts for all or none. She needs to do story time n play games with all or none. Momma don’t allow this to go any further, your bf is right! If his family did this to your children you’d be upset as well.

5 Likes

You need to stick up for your kids. Flat out tell her she cannot take your other kids if she refuses to ever take his kids. If she can’t treat all the kids the same, she doesn’t need to be involved with any of the kids.

1 Like

It’s weird to me that not all children get the same treatment regardless of blood. I have 3 teens from a previous and a 3 year old with boyfriend but his family treats my girls like their own yeah sometimes my son ( 3) will get a toy from grandparents for no reason but my older kids don’t care I mean he’s the baby after all lolol and my girls r always welcome at their houses it’s just most times they want to be with friends and not do sleepovers

I’d keep it short and simple and tell her all or none. They are now all siblings and your children. Either they are all treated equally or its nothing at all. I wouldn’t hesitate even a heart beat to cut someone off from seeing or talking to my kids regardless of who they are if they didn’t treat all of my kids equally.

1 Like

Tell Her she can’t take Your Son. Your no longer working and thank you for the babysitting but Your Son needs to spend the weekend with His siblings. How would you feel if you where the one left home always…Your boyfriends Sons will never forget this ! Does your bf. Ex not get her kids on the weekend ? I’d consider letting your Son go to Grams ,when the other Boys see there Mom or Gram.

Put a stop to it now! There is no sense in it and it is uncalled for! It should be, all or none!

1 Like

Tell her you twit like what are you 5 and scared of your mama? :joy: at this point the relationship between you and your mother is nothing. You have to stick up for your kids regardless of how it makes you or her feel.

1 Like

How can you not stand up for your kids?

You want your mom (free babysitter) to babysit your boyfriends other kids? Wheres HIS mom in this picture?

5 Likes

Im sorry ik its frustrating but in reality your mom has no obligation when it comes to your boyfriends kids. Now the part about her talking to them crazy I would deff mention. Im all for treating & loving my step kids equally but in reality Ik i cant obligate others to do so.

17 Likes

Trust me exclusion is very noticeable especially by the kids and they will react in negative ways. Nip it in the bud now …

1 Like

She said she and her brother have fought with her mom about this. She has told her evidently and her mom still has the boundary. If the daughter also wants strong boundaries, maybe she should type them up and read them to make sure she is very clear what she is requiring. She also needs to make sure she’s okay with her son losing his grandma since her mom has been the same the whole time. Dealing with parents as adults can be difficult and her mom may also be unclear how to effectively navigate being a grandma to 3 kids of about the same age and a baby. She has developed a strong bonding with one of them out of necessity and it’s hard when that happens. I had my kids 10 years apart and my oldest lived around our family before we moved away (my second never did), so they will all be closer to one than the other. My parents have one grandchild who regularly comes and spends a week with them alone and they are closer to her naturally because she takes the time to be with my parents. Her brothers and my kids aren’t less important and are equally their grandchildren, but that one granddaughter is a pure joy to them. I hope there is resolution as losing family members seems like a worst case scenario.

1 Like

The family you made is more important than the family you came from.

4 Likes

I imagine it’s difficult as you love them kids like your own. However the fact is their not yours and your mum hasn’t been there for them since birth. She doesn’t have to want them in her home as long as she’s not mean or cruel when they are in her company. They aren’t her grandchildren and she’s allowed not to want to get attached. If your partner and you spilt those children would no longer be in her life. I know that might never happen but it could. Let her love her grandchildren and let your partners boys be loved by their own grandparents without expecting them to also want your kids about too.

8 Likes

Yep, keep it short and sweet. Either treat them all the same or you’re not welcome around any of them. Adults should know better. People need to stop messing up these kids

3 Likes

You are failing as a mother. Separate that sh is your mother. Think of her as a friend. You must tell her because children who look to you as their protector are being hurt. Would you allow someone to slap one of them? That is what it feels like to them. Talk with her and work something out. A lot of younger parents don’t want to rock the boat because there is some degree of financial support. Which is more important, children’s’ mental health or money? There is always a resolution to every problem. God bless you and your family.

1 Like

All or none. It’s not fair to the other kids and being left out like that is traumatic. Give the ultimatum

2 Likes

Just a question…
How does your boyfriend’s parents treat your child? Does his kids see their mom? Their mom’s family?
Does your kids see their bio dad? Bio dad’s family?

Fair and equal aren’t always the same thing…and you need to figure out which one you’re trying to ask for.

If your boyfriend’s kids are being spoiled by his parents and/or bio-moms family and yours are not.
Then your mom putting a little extra into your kids is maybe her trying to make sure things are fair for your kids.

And to this end, I’d schedule “her” weekends when his kids are off with his parents or their mom…and any things need to live at her house.

Just a different perspective. My ex had a daughter from a previous relationship. Her mom and mom’s family were always taking and doing ECT.
But I was always made to feel like I shouldn’t take and do with my son without her.
I never quite understood that. Now big things I absolutely planned with her in mind of course.
But I didn’t not grab my kid a happy meal because she was at her mom’s. And I didn’t make a special trip to McDonald’s to keep things even when she came over.

10 Likes

I know I couldn’t treat any child differently than the other’s. I would talk to her about how you feel. I wish someone would have for me my cousins had 25 thousand in the bank and I got nothing. Maybe it’s an out of sight out of mind like in my case I would bring them over to her so she can see how wonderful they are or invite her for dinner

1 Like

That’s a fight you are going to have to fight. I would stop letting her get your son and your daughter. If she can’t treat them all the same then she doesn’t need to treat any of them. The kids will notice the difference and will resent it. I’ve been there in that situation. It is not fun as a kid and I wouldn’t allow it as an adult with my kids.

1 Like

If you guys are living as family unit then she needs to treat everyone as the family unit. If she doesn’t want to respect y’all then put some space in between you guys. If she invites you guys over but it isn’t for the whole family then you have conflicting plans. Family is more than some matching dna…. Give her clear boundaries to follow and if she refuses then you just don’t see her very often. And never at gift giving occasions since she’s actively favoring amongst the kids!

1 Like

I dont feel she is obligated to take his Children. Dont they have grandparents on the dads side or even the moms. As far as the gifts why does she have to buy them expensive gifts like she does her own grandchild . She is acknowledging the others . If they are hurt then they weren’t taught to appreciate what they receive.

16 Likes

No way. Had that issue, fiance squashed it real quick. Treat all our kids the same or don’t see them.

2 Likes

Sounds like you need to stop her from taking your son when all the kids are home. If his kids are with their other parent or another relative or obligation, then she can ask. But you are the one who has allowed it and made it ok for so long. I really don’t see that this is her fault. When your family dynamic changed, your allowances if your kids to be separated should have also. Correct yourself, before trying to correct her. Explain that you shouldn’t have let it go in like this. You are wanting to make things right and make sure your kids feel like a whole family and not still separate. Tell her that while you appreciate her gifts, you have to set a boundary that she no longer single out your son by buying extra or more extravagant gifts. She’s Can either set her limit to be the same for all of them. Or give them gift cards or cash at a predetermined amount. You want all tie kids to feel equal and even though it starts with you, you want to set that expectation for everyone in your life and theirs.

Nah, that’s a hard and fast rule for me as someone who grew up with a blended family and we all saw how each set of grandparents treated us all differently. Only one set made sure we all got the same and equal attention, and trust and believe that the rest made us all jealous and caused fights between us as kids because each kid’s biological grandparents spoiled their own biological grandchild/grandchildren and it hurt the others feelings. Your boyfriend is right. Sorry, not sorry, but if you really love him and his kids, you will put your foot down about this. My family finally did and that helped end a lot of the jealousy, hurt feelings, and sibling rivalry. Your mom is a grown woman, and she should know better. Tell her to put herself in those kids shoes and ask how she’d feel if she was one of them and being treated that way. Then let her know that she’s causing a problem and hurting innocent children who didn’t choose this relationship, and it’s an all or none situation. Period. She will get over it in time and if not, well, she made her choice and you need to set some hard boundaries and stick to them. Continue on what you’re allowing and don’t be surprised if your boyfriend breaks up with you. If he’s a good man, and sounds like he is, is your mom’s behavior worth losing him and his children over? That’s what you’re facing if you don’t speak up and do something, and very soon too. If your boyfriend is saying something about it, it’s definitely because it’s been bothering him and he’s likely considering his options already. So you need to be ready to consider what your options will be if you don’t set some boundaries with her now too. I can’t blame your boyfriend for how he feels either, because he’s right and justified in his feelings. If you’re living together you’re a family and all should be treated as such. Period, point blank, the end.

I promise, those kidd notice and will 100% not only hate her but hate you for allowing it.

My son married a sweet girl that had a son and he is definitely MY GRANDSON he was 2 1/2 when they got married if I do for my daughters girls I do for him he is treated NO DIFFERENT … Your mother wouldn’t like it if someone had treated u differently… My now husband’s parents didn’t treat my kids any different than they did their biological grandkids … She’s needs to stop that or wouldn’t see any of them… One year my husband’s sister was giving all the children presents and when she realized she had gave my son a toy she took it well my husband got furious and went and took the toys she had given his kids and gave them back to her told her if she couldn’t treat them all the same then none of OURS kids needed her gifts

4 Likes

Just no…treat them fairly. This is sad on so many levels.
Like alone time?? So he doesn’t have to share?? What??!! Hes how old??!! NO

It’s not her job to provide for his two…As much as would be considerate and sweet…it’s not up to her! My heart is big so I would no doubt do it but it’s not my obligation

2 Likes

I don’t feel like she is obligated to take your bf kids. Maybe she’s just not close to them.Are their real grandparents not around so they can go spend weekends with them?

4 Likes

As a mom who was on the other side of this, I watched my children be treated differently by a "grandparent’’ and it was eventually a deciding factor that my BF at the time was a POS who didn’t care about us and so I left. We had fights too, he never stood up for us. At Christmas, he got a $350 gift card, his son got about $500 worth of things, and we were kind of after thoughts. It hurt their feelings. It put me in an awkward situation. I will NOT allow my children to be treated differently than another child ever.

Sometimes the best thing to do is ask his kids how they feel. They are old enough to express their feelings. Children have a tendency to feel jealousy and betrayal, they want to be accepted and don’t discriminate, they accept all as family until the status quo changes.

If there is an issue, then talk to her about it. She knows what she’s doing. I don’t understand people who can treat children this way… My in laws took my twins on as their own when we first met. If it was any other way, they wouldn’t have been around us. Speak up for those kids. The hurt this can cause is immeasurable and often stays well into their adult lives. No kid should ever feel unwanted or not as good.

1 Like

My family kids are kids and shouldn’t be treated any differently regardless of relation. I remember my friends and brothers friends coming over to my house it was just a nice safe place to be. That’s how I’m raising my kids if they are in my house they are now suddenly my kids :rofl::rofl:

3 Likes

Maybe it would be different if the two of you were married??

3 Likes

Disfavored child status is one of the top 5 forms of abuse, you could tell her that that from now on all gifts must be given to you first so they may be resold and the proceeds will be used to buy things for ALL the children, along with that insure her that failure to comply will result in loss of visitation, non discriminate love, good luck

5 Likes

It’s all of you, or none of you.

2 Likes

You need to put your big girl panties on and stand up for ALL YOUR KIDS. And stop taking “just yours” over there…whether you realize it or not you’re actually showing her you’re ok with that. Kids get treated the same or nothing at all…imo

5 Likes

As a grandmother of 5, some are blood related others are bonus, I cant ever imagine treating any of them differently. This saddens me to the core that she is willing to cause so much damage to any child

4 Likes

You need to stick up for your step kids. How would you like it if your kids were getting treated differently? Time to cut off all the extras until she can treat ALL of them the SAME! Your boyfriend has every right to be upset. You ain’t defending your family.

tell her she treats all the kids the same or don’t see any of them…that is what I had to do

2 Likes

If you can’t confront her in person write texts or a letters. Ask your man to talk to her also. Maybe ask his two kids to write letters telling her how they feel.
Stop the weekend visits. Get therapy to learn to stand up to her (and anyone else you need to stand up to).

Pull the tags off your son’s cool presents, rewrap them and give them to his kids instead. Or just state that all presents are for the whole family, not just one kid. Let her know it’s all or none. You may have to withhold all your kids from her but YOU HAVE TO DO SO. Tell her if she continues to give unequal gifts you will just open them and donate them all to Toys for Tots or Salvation Army or a food bank. Give her lists of what all the kids would like.

Hopefully she will get the message and change her ways. If not, just see her by yourself. When she starts to protest about not seeing the kids, remind her why & leave.

But I too wonder what’s with BFs family. Are they just not in the picture? Is there a reason y’all aren’t married? Could that be why she shows favoritism that she doesn’t see you as an “official” family? Maybe she thinks since you aren’t married she assumes it’s a temporary situation.

2 Likes

I had this problem with my mil she was all about my two girls till me and my husband got pregnant with our son then it was all about him and she even spoiled my nephew which made no sense but not the girls you need to speak up sweetie or it’s going to get worse

She can treat them all fairly or not get to see them.
Her behavior is abusive towards them and problematic

2 Likes

Ask the kids about how they feel. If they dont see an issue…dont push it. If they do,then you need to put foot down and cut her off. Also,talk to your mom about why she is doing this. Is it maybe bc she is old fashioned and yall arent married,so doent see his kids as her actual grandkids bc yall arent in a committed relationship? Get all sides…then come to a decision.

Be honest and be blunt about it. I understand she is your mother, and it doesn’t sound like she’s toxic or anything but she definitely isn’t fair. His children are your children and your children are his children and they’re all her grandchildren. Granted, not every child is the same and shouldn’t be loved the same. Each child should be loved and shown that they’re loved in a way that is specific to them. I completely understand how rowdy 3 boys, aged 7, 8 and 9 can be, but it wouldn’t kill her to pick all 3 of them up on a Saturday, hit a McDonalds drive thru for some Happy Meals and take them to the park. She’s doing something with them, it’s inexpensive and they can be loud and wild and rowdy as they want. When it comes to gifts, if she’s buying an xBox, it should be addressed to all 3 boys and then they each get 2 outfits. Not her biological grandson gets a $400 xBox and her step-grandsons get Monopoly to share. Eff that! Be the Mama Bear and put your foot down! If you’re coming over, everyone is coming over. You’re not letting your man and “his” kids at home while you and “your” kids go visit grandma. That’s not how a blended family works. That’s what causes resentment. With or without a ring on y’all’s fingers, four years and four kids together is a committed relationship and a family. That’s your family and it’s your job to protect your family. Even from your family.

If she can’t have your other two kids over she can’t have all kids over. At her old age she won’t to divide the family. She had her time to marry have kids. This is your build your family. Be blant and honest with her. I’m sure u can afford day care… if she gives half ass gifts all kids gets the same.

I got extremely lucky in this regard. My ex’s family (my daughter’s dad) love my 2 sons just as much as their sister. Even my son that came after the relationship ended with my ex. But I don’t think it’s fair for any kids to be left out. My brother has a step son & step daughter along with his own daughter. I would NEVER treat them different than my bio niece. Even if their (my brother & his lady) relationship ended.

It’s a package deal. :package:
I understand her not wanting them all together of course. But she can’t play favorites. Things have changed. Put your foot down. She sounds like she’s trying.

2 Likes

if she cant do for all or buy for all thennoone gets anything

1 Like

Tell her that all the children are to be treated equally. If she cannot or will not buy equitably distributed gifts for ALL the children then refrain from buying gifts for ANY of the children.

If she has a problem with that, then maybe cutting ties for awhile so she can see the err of her ways is in order.

Bonus grandmas should not be treating bonus grandkids differently.

1 Like

Your boyfriend is right. You need to stand up for him and his kids to your mom. It’s not fair to them. They need to be treated like they belong. It really fucks kids up to get treated this way.
My boyfriend’s parents treated my daughter like she belonged from the first time they met her.

He’s just a baby daddy. Not a fiance or husband. Perhaps she’s doing this because he’s just a baby daddy and there’s no guarantee he’ll stick around. He might not even be around next week, month, or year from now.

6 Likes

Stop the solo visits and let her know it’s all or none because that’s your family and she’s causing trauma.

3 Likes

If she can’t treat them all the same then she doesn’t get one of them. You’ve allowed it by letting her keep on knowing it caused a problem. Now you have to say something to her. Let her get mad, that’s on her. You and him fight because of her behavior when you could step up and tell her she can’t do that but you’re choosing not to. Say something like you should have when she started that.

6 Likes

Stand up to your mother.
Full. Stop.
Either treat them all the same or see none of them.
My MIL tried this and my husband let her know that my son was now his son and she either act accordingly or she would see none of them. :woman_shrugging:
She got right real quick.
**Side Note: She may feel like she’ll get close to them and then y’all will break up. So, grow tf up and have an adult chat. Hell, I’ll babysit so you and the bf can both sit down with her. :black_heart:

6 Likes

This is heartbreaking step grandkids should be treated the same as bio grandkids. I hope you decided to tell her that she can either love them all equally or see none at all.

3 Likes

If she can’t expect the bfs children then she doesn’t need to careful or watch the bio grandchildren

Don’t allow her to treat them differently period
It’s not ok

2 Likes

She is old enough to know better! This isn’t okay in any way. You need to tell her that they all get the same treatment or nothing at all! His boys, even if they’re not saying it, are being hurt tremendously by this! Ask yourself this, if the tables were turned and your son and daughter were being left out or treated as if they weren’t good enough, how would you respond, how would you feel, better yet, how do you think your children would feel? If I were you, I’d lay it out, set clear boundaries, and let her know this isn’t acceptable. You say you don’t like conflict and don’t know how to tell her, I suggest writing it. Then it’s not all jumbled, and heated. Good luck, I hope things change for the better!

2 Likes

She deserves time with him. But every weekend. If your a stay at home mom, how about once a month.

2 Likes

I understand your feelings and hers how are your boyfriends family with the kids is it the same

It’s her biological vs. her non biological 🤷 it will always be controversial. Imagine having her not care about ANY of them including her biological grandchildren :joy: many of us are in that lovely boat :expressionless::roll_eyes: yep it sucks I have a 15 yr old that has only stayed with my own grandma 3 times and all 3 times it’s because I was in the hospital and there was no other options.
Seriously though, talk to your step kids what do they say? Where is their bio mom’s parents would they be open to taking them when your two are gone? All 4 would be away with their grandparents.? That’d be a triple win you get time to yourself as a bonus. 🤷

4 Likes

She’s hurting kids and your man. That’s worth setting down boundaries/having conflict over.

6 Likes

If she can’t accept all of them equally she doesn’t need to spend special time with one. She needs to get it together it’s 2021. She sounds bitter.

3 Likes

Part of this story is missing. How does his family treat her kids? Are his children spoiled by their grandparents?

8 Likes

I’m sorry but I don’t think grandma is trying to deliberately hurt your SOs kids.
How long have you been together and she’s known these kids? Perhaps she feels like she doesn’t want to upset or overstep when it comes to thing’s regarding the other two and piss your SO off? More often than not grandmas are know to get under the parents skin by letting the grand babies get away with shit they would never let us at that age.
She makes an effort by buying them things so she’s not being totally heartless and dismissing them.
IMO I think if it’s bothering you and your SO that much. A conversation with grandma involving both you and your SO needs to be had but I would go into it with an open mind.

I was fortunate regarding my step fathers family, my stepfather was with me since I was born, My mother and him had 2 children together after me - and his family always treated me equal, him on the other hand— … favored his own blood over me and it severely effected me as a child, constantly crying because I was made to feel like I wasnt a real part of the family, my mom and stepfather constantly fought about this which added to the damage, she was always defending me. At the age of 14 I was diagnosed with PTSD because of it. Favoritism effects children more than one would think, take it from a woman who lived it. All children deserve to be equally loved and should feel like they are apart of the family.

4 Likes

I hate to say this, but she is setting a poor example for your son and daughter. Really think about it. Kids learn from adults, and her treating them better is going to teach them its ok to treat other people differently for whatever reason.

1 Like

I don’t think it’s fair to judge her so harshly …I think she should be able to have one on one time with her biological grandchild. If she buys them Birthday presents and Christmas presents and is good to them that way I don’t think she should be made/forced to spend time with the others. They know that she is their siblings grandmother and I’m sure they accept that.

8 Likes

Tell her. Flat out tell her. Write down what you want to say and either give her the letter or tell her face to face.

Keep what she gives them at HER house. I wouldn’t expect my mom to take my step daughter and my in laws don’t take my daughter. My mom lives in AR and rarely sees us though, his family lives in the same town and they take her every weekend. They but her clothes and other stuff. I don’t get offended, they’re helping him out, thus helping us out. At 1 point though they would purposely exclude us (me and my daughter) only invite him and his daughter to birthdays/ holidays (even theirs) , only give them presents for Christmas (even though I got all their kids something), stuff like that. My partner had a serious talk and set limits. I think she isn’t doing anything wrong by taking her grand kids, but they don’t need to rub it in the other kids faces. Keep that stuff at her place, maybe instead of every weekend do every other or once a month.

I don’t see the problem here. They’re not her grandkids

13 Likes

Stand up for your bonus kids! If you guys are chosing to conine your family and you guys are serious enough to where you’ll be together for a while then no fuck that. Tell her straight up it’s ALL my kids or none of them . And if she still doesn’t then idk their kids tho it’s not fair to them. Good luck :crossed_fingers:

BOUNDRIES!!!
In our mixed race, bonus kids, both sides we learned to co parent, discipline and love.
We don’t use the word step at all ( just our choice).
Not all families can or do but we prioritize the importance of the children, ours being older now and we have grandchildren.
Find a way to tell her together with your bf so that she understands the two of you are united and lay out consequences if she isn’t willing to respect your decision.
Of course his side as well if it’s remotely the same.

1 Like

Hey.grow a pair tell her to fuck off that the child and don’t allow it you are the. Mom act like it.

I would fight with her. I would fight to protect the emotions of any child let alone one that I have accepted as my own.
Your mother sounds like a bitter lady with a closed heart. Tell her to open her heart or stay away.

1 Like

You got his baggage when you got together with him.
She shouldn’t be forced to carry that baggage if she doesn’t want to.
You’re being unreasonable

12 Likes

I have a blended family similar to yours. I have 2, he has 1 and we have 1. They’re all mine. All 4. There is no pick and choose. I chose to love this child when I fell in love with his dad. To help set the mood, how would you approach this if she was doing this to the 2 you birthed? I’m ready for conflict if my children are being purposely mistreated and segregated because of who’s vajimjam they rode out of. 😮‍💨

2 Likes

I understand wanting them all treated equally but maybe she just feels like your stepkids get support/time/gifts from other family that your son doesn’t have?

It isn’t okay for her to talk to them differently though and make it so obvious :disappointed_relieved:

3 Likes

It’s equal or NOTHING with my family. We’re a blended 3 him 2 me and 1 us. My parents take them all for weekends but split up. They do 2 or 3 at a time and make sure it’s equal time and activities for all of them. His mom assumed for years that they only took my 2 so she would only take the 3 and spoil them. When she found out that definitely wasn’t the case she felt awful and took them all and does special one on one ‘spa days’ with the girls now. I’m nut saying she should never get one on one time or just get to see her bio which she clearly has a strong relationship with and prior to this new relationship but she needs to be more aware of her unfair behavior. If your mother isn’t going to treat the children more fairly then she shouldn’t get to see any of them.

2 Likes

Maybe there’s more to this story then your telling? Is it possible your mom isn’t getting close to your boyfriends kids not only because they are not her grandchildren but also because y’all aren’t married & she doesn’t know how solid your relationship is. Now you have kids from 2 different men & she doesn’t want to get emotionally attached to someone else’s kids that may only be around temporarily. There’s 2 sides to every story so I wonder what her side is. Kids should never be treated poorly but they should also not get attached only to be let down & bounced around either.

8 Likes

Whenever kids are involved both parents need to set the rules as to how their children should be treated. Fighting doesn’t solve anything. The grandparents should be told what is acceptable behavior and if they do not like it then tough

1 Like

I would start bringing your bfs boys around her more.

Do your step kid’s biological grandparents do things for them? Would you expect your step kid’s biological grandparents on their mother’s side to do things for your children? I don’t think so. Your parents have no obligation to your step children, be thankful they get anything and you said the better gifts are given away from your bonus children. I personally feel you are in the wrong here you should be more grateful that your mother does anything. If you want your mother to know your step children invite her over for dinner on a regular basis.

7 Likes

Smdh I love my bonus grandbaby as if my blood flows through his veins. Kids are a precious gift and if we are lucky enough to have bonus kids so much for a better life .

6 Likes

I literally have the same issue. The best thing you can do is explain how you feel to her… if she doesn’t listen then you will have to cut ties even though it hurts

Your mom is being ugly. My ex husband has our two oldest and when she buys our kids Xmas gifts she also gets gifts for his two others (one being a step child to him and the other is a ew child with his gf) when schools closed she got them all chromebooks, including the other two. And when I give my kids gifts I make sure to get them some too. They’re not my kids, I don’t feel kindly towards my ex but they’re children and deserve as much as the other two

I have 3 kids, 2 from previous marriage, 1 from current.
My ex husband and his family love my son and would literally keep him whenever, if I asked. JS. Everyone has different views.

They’re not her grandkids. She shouldn’t treat them the same.

4 Likes

And this right here is why I hate dating. My parents are absolutely phenomenal with other peoples kids. Other peoples (typically) not so much.

Tell her, it’s all or none

2 Likes

They arent her grandkids. It’s that simple. You two arent even married so treating them as your kids would be weird. She has no connection to him so it’s not strange that she doesn’t treat them as such. The only problem I see regarding this is if she’s being rude to them, which is NOT ok to do.