I’m sorry in advance if this is long. I’m (25f) currently nearly 9 weeks pregnant with my ex’s (23m) child. I have a child (6) from a previous relationship. His father and I do a week on, week off schedule and we coparent really well. I had gotten pregnant a few months prior to this with my now ex and I was pressured into an abortion. It was not something I wanted to do, I still think about it, and I’m not over it. When we were talking about it, we came to the understanding that we were not going to try for any kids but if I did get pregnant we would keep it regardless of when it happens (6 months, a year, etc). I got the termination and went on birth control.
Well here I am just a few months later. I’m pregnant despite religiously taking my birth control. When I first told him he told be he would support whatever decision I made but he did offhandedly bring up abortion. I hadn’t fully made a decision, but I was shying away from an abortion. I had been admitted to the ER for something unrelated, but once they found out I was pregnant, they insisted on doing an ultrasound to check on things. They showed me the baby and the heartbeat without me asking to see it and that solidified my decision, I could not terminate this baby. I told my ex (at this point we were still together) and he wasn’t happy.
He’s in the US military and he said he’d get in trouble with his job (never heard of this) for getting me pregnant and he said he wanted me to sign something saying I would never seek child support. From there he proceeded to ignore all of my calls and texts. I did call him out on this and asked how he could tell me he supported me no matter the decision if, in reality, he was only going to supported me if I made the decision he wanted. He told me goodbye and blocked me on everything.
I grew up in a situation where my dad left when I was young and my mom purposely kept me away from my paternal family that wanted a relationship with me. I did reach out to my ex’s mother to offer a relationship with the child. This is exactly what I said: “Hello Mrs. name . I’m sorry to bother you, but I felt you had the right to know. I am almost 9 weeks pregnant and I am keeping the baby after telling ex that I could not terminate another pregnancy. He does not want to be involved and does not want any responsibility in raising the child. That is fine, I am okay doing it on my own if need be. However I wanted to let you know that if you and Mr. name wanted to have a relationship with the child, I would do everything possible to facilitate that. I grew up not knowing my paternal family despite them wanting a relationship and I didn’t want to deny either of you or the child that relationship if you wanted it. If you did not, that is okay as well.” I received her response of “Me I am so sorry to hear that you and ex were not responsible adults. He had already made us aware of this news. The decision you have made is a difficult one. I will be in prayer for your future.”
I honestly wasn’t sure what I was expecting but I wasn’t expecting that. To me that shows she wants nothing to do with the child either and is basically absolving him of any responsibility. How should I proceed? Should I completely let this go and write off my child ever having a relationship with their whole paternal side? Or should I seek some form of child support? I did some research and I learned that apparently the military is very on top of parents supporting their kids but I don’t know, part of me feels badly. My older child’s father and I don’t do child support because we split our time 50-50 and he fully provides for our child on his time. Would there ever be an instance where I have to pay him child support? I make more money than he does, but I would have the child 100% of the time.
So, first of all, child support is the right of the child and NOT the right of either parent. You cannot legally sign away the right of your child to receive support from their parent. (In your 6 yo case, it is likely because you split custody 50/50 that you do not have child support.) Child support is also determined soley off of the income of the parent who is responsible for paying it (typically the parent who does not have custody) and the income of the parent who has custody does not factor in.
In your current situation, I would go after your ex for child support. It takes two people to have a baby. If he didn’t want to chance the birth control not working he could have had a vasectomy as these are easily reversible. He knew the consequences of having sex and he told you he would support you.
If his family does not want to see your child right now, there’s nothing you can do about it. You might want to keep the channels open, in case they change their mind in the future, as they can sue you for their rights to see their grandchild.
Definitely go for the child support. The fact that he’s in the military means that it’s basically guaranteed to be paid. Also the only way that he could get in trouble is that if he was married when he had the relationship and got you pregnant because that is considered infidelity under UCMJ and that’s really the only way he could get in trouble. I went through basic training with a handful of guys that ran from their child support until they enlisted and then they learned that once you take a government job you can’t run from child support cuz he’ll just take it out of your check.
This is an unpopular opinion, but as a mother of 3 and wife to a man who grew up with an absent father: cutting dad off now is better in the long run. If your income is higher than his, his money is not worth the drama or pain to your child.
A woman’s right to choose should match a man’s (despite the whole “two to tango” argument.)
Your child would be better off without any connection to their biological father, especially if all he is going to be is a paycheque.
It’s best to allow ex to terminate his rights, and hopefully you may find a partner in the future who chooses to be your child’s father figure. Keeping bio dad in the picture (even for financial reasons) re-enforces the inevitable abandonment and self-worth issues that surround having an absent father. My partner grew up his whole life wondering why his father didn’t love him, want him, etc. One of the saddest things that stuck with him was the knowledge his dad didn’t simply “forget” he existed. Bio dad was forced to send child support each month, but still never once attached a birthday/Christmas card.
So I have a problem with all these accidents. You are responsible for your body. This is not the first sign of him being an ass. You knew he was an ass and chose not once but twice to get PG. you can say BC didn’t work … I have a hard time believing that but honestly after the first AB he would have been forced to use a condom if I ever allowed him to touch me again. I personally would not be with someone so nonchalant about killing his children. That being said you knew how he felt and continued on. Get that child support and move on. Most states do not allow men to sign away rights unless another man is talking over. This is because these children end up needing assistance and they want to hold men accountable. He will get in trouble because they have a morality clause meaning no messing around while married no unmarried babies etc. But after the first one he should have protected himself better. I don’t I stand women who have children for men that don’t marry them. We have to do better ladies! Killing a baby is not the answer. It sucks that we have to deal with all consequences but that is why we have a greater responsibility to protect are bodies and who we let into it!
I wish you luck. Take you children and find someone worthy of all 3 of you! God bless!
Umm take him to court when child is born & do what needs to be done in mean time! No job in the military will punish a soldier for getting pregnant! He’s shameful!
It doesn’t matter what you make child support is just that supporting the child. If he doesn’t have the child over 50% of the time then he will have to pay child support. However, he may push for rights when the child is born. If he already stated he wants nothing to due with the child consider yourself lucky and move on. Give the baby your last name and do not list the father on the birth certificate.
Maybe not what you want to hear but if you’re set on keeping this baby, just do it on your own. He expressed he did not want the baby, maybe have him sign his rights over and go about your life or just don’t bother with him at all. If he comes around later, great. Maybe he’ll have a relationship but don’t force him.
The only way he gets in trouble for getting someone pregnant in the military is if he is married to someone……. My brother (army) got a women pregnant And she was married to another soldier (my brother didn’t know) and they kicked him out for it once it came to light
First of all— my husband is active duty military and he cannot “get in trouble” for getting you pregnant. Don’t sign anything. Get a family lawyer so when baby is born you have him test for paternity and he will be put on child support. The only thing he’d get in trouble for is poorly managing his money or if this issue started to cause him to be distracted at work but even then— that’s on him. Nothing to do with getting you pregnant. Now if he’s secretly married that’s a whole other issue but trust me, we have plenty of single parent friends around us. Second— other than child support reinforcement from the courts there isn’t really anything you can do to force his family to be a part of the baby’s life. I would keep the line open for mom if she comes around closer to when baby is born as she might start to warm up a little to being a grandparent but again— maybe her take is that her son is lying to her about the truth of the matter. Either way— if you intend to carry this baby to term, you need to absolve yourself of stress so I’d leave him alone until you’re ready to pursue paternity and child support. If you don’t need his financial assistance then great— move on entirely. BTW, his kid would be entitled to Tricare which is complete medical coverage as long as he is an active duty soldier your child will have free medical healthcare. Don’t let him just run away with some stupid made up contract.
You will not have to pay child support even if you make more, child support is done off of time with child, if he never has time he will have to pay. And I’m the wife of a veteran and his whole in trouble with work is bullshit. He knows the military takes supporting your child serious. You not only will get direct deposit child support but your baby will get Tricare insurance. Men need to step up, put his ass on child support and keep the door open for him and his family to be apart of the baby’s life and thats the best you can do as a mother for now. With My oldest son I kept the door open for his paternal family and his biological grandma just now after almost 11 years has asked to be apart of his life. It took me getting a DNA test and matching her to do it. I’d get DNA done right away so no one can doubt it is his baby and just love that baby no matter what and you guys will make it… one day you’ll find a man to love you and your babies
There isn’t much you can do, as far as him being involved. If he doesn’t want to be, you can’t really make him. But I wouldn’t sign a damn thing, and I’d still go for child support. Child support isn’t for you, it’s to provide for the child that he helped create. He could’ve wore a condom to lower chances of impregnating you…in addition to the birth control you were taking. It’s not all on the female. He can always terminate his rights, if he truly wants zero part in raising the child. You seem to have made up your mind about keeping this baby, so accept your decision and move on. You will be fine.
See an attorney, file for support. Reach out to the grandparents again, by snail mail with birth announcement and pic. Send pics occasionally,leave the door open. Your ex is morally and financially responsible for this baby. He can be as involved as he chooses. Do not let him of the hook for support. Keep a record for when the child accuses you of keep them away from the family. Take the high road and do what’s best for baby.
Keep that baby & hit him up for child support ASAP! He knows what causes pregnancy, abstinence is the only method that will prevent pregnancy 100%. Clearly, his Mother is just as irresponsible as he is.
If he’s saying that he could get in trouble for getting you pregnant I would look into wether he’s already married. The military doesn’t look kindly upon adulterers. That’s the only reason I could think of that he’d get in trouble.
Be prepared to raise this baby by yourself, but still go after child support. If he was that adamant about not having a baby he would have been more responsible with his sperm.
That military shit is bullshit. That’s a lie. The military doesn’t have issues with pregnancies. Congratulations on your new baby. Prayers lifted for your situation all the way around. Don’t be miserable throughout your pregnancy… Let yourself shine and glow
Let him sign away his rights. I would not want my child around a “father” that didn’t want them, no telling how they would treat or talk to them while out of your presence
If you don’t need the money then do not put his name on the birth certificate and cut him out. Birth control pills do not work for everyone so use condoms. Try the shot after this baby.
I am completely on your side here. It’s your right to keep the baby. I am not close with any of my external family and that’s okay with me. My parents tried and they never cared. You reached out and made the first step. If they want to be involved later, then try to let the resentment go and let them for the kid. But I would not hurt yourself over and over by trying to get them involved.
Also go for child support. It’s not fair for you to pay for everything imo
Oh honey, go get your child support, he knew what the outcomes would be every time he wanted to be satisfied. Don’t be fooled by him. As for the parents block them out if they want to see the child make it on your terms and if you feel it’s all safe to do so
Here’s the thing. Don’t push him or the family to see the child however, the child deserves military benefits. Put him on the BC so your kid doesn’t hold ill will in the future but also get court documentation regarding CS & custody. Don’t hold him to high regards but the military will take care of the child in all aspects that they can.
Once baby is born I’d report him to his commanding officer. He will HAVE to support that child, no ifs ands or buts. The military don’t play with that.
Admin… I know people need support but posts about abortion is literally against the 3rd rule of this group. This is the second post about abortion in two days. Wth?
Child support for the win! Women need to stop letting men not take responsibility for the hundreds of thousands of sperm they send flying out into women’s viginas creating children they don’t want. Tough nougies dude, you play you pay!
It’s better to have no father than one who doesn’t want you. Keep his information in a file and give it to your kid when he/she is old enough. Don’t lie about the father either. Keep age appropriate communication going. File for custody right away and decide if you want child support or for him to sign away his rights. Also talk to a family lawyer right away regarding the laws in your state/county. If he ends up wanting visits then make sure you have it put in that he cannot take your child out of the state or country. Don’t put him on the birth certificate either.
If you’re able to file while pregnant so it starts on day one, I would do it. And go hard. The amount of regret that will sit with him forever. Hopefully he never has to look this baby in the eyes and knowing he said these things. And shame on his mama. Seems like this is a blessing for you. Nothing is worse then being raised with people who wanted nothing more than to wish you death on a prayer request. That woman needs to try again and hope God don’t look at her with the exact compassion and acceptance when she’s on her death bed and that regret hits. Seems to be a trend with the elderly of privileged mindsets. That’s a gross human.
Go after his ass for child support and don’t put him in the birth certificate after 6 months of no contact from dad file for full custody so he can’t get a hair up his rump down the road and take the kid at that point you are the parent he will still have to pay full support but your way goes not his he can not take the child with out your concent you can still allow visits ect as you like with dad or dads family with no issues but I wouldn’t get to friendly with them dads like to starts fight for custody just because they don’t want to pay child support not because they actually want to know their child or even want them your a mom now for two you got lucky with your first this baby is going to be war in family court if you don’t do this !
The military does not stand for dead beat dad’s- zero tolerance policy. They will take whatever child support you get and send it directly to you he won’t be able to touch it once the court determines the amount and you have an order. It doesn’t matter how much you make it is for the child.
Ok so o had the same situation …… everyone told me to go for child support that actually pushed him away more and his family away come 4 years later and he has stepped up he’s a father from a distance and his family that is close loves cares and supports any division I have you are only 9 weeks give it some time I’m not saying that it won’t work and the pregnancy won’t stick but 10-12 weeks is a hard time in pregnancy wait till your in the safe zone give it a few months and maybe message her again she didn’t say anything wrong or disrespectful she has you in her prayers she said I’d give it time once baby is born if there is no change then go for child support if you want to continue seeing and having contact if not and you can do it on your own then just say bye and get him to sign his rights over and call it good at least you have give. Him and his family the pregnancy to be there and if not then that’s there loss not yours
Girl I had a abortion too. I could never do it again that was almost 20 years ago and I still regret it to this day. Do what I want in life. And dont sign Nothin. If he would get in trouble then is he married?? That’s the only trouble i know he can get in trouble for. If u have this baby and he dont want nothin to do with it get support take him for the max.
Better make him pay childsupport my son father was also in the military my story is different than yours almost he didn’t want our son neither wanted me to get a abortion I didn’t listen he was a women beater he beat Me really bad put pfa on him he got kicked out but did u know that since he is the dad all that money he is making goes straight to his child regardless if he don’t want nothing to do with him
How much money you make does not change the financial obligations that come with a child. If the child is with you 100% of the time I’d assume he would still have to at least split those financial responsibilities with you ie health insurance, daycare costs etc
First, congrats on you’re pregnancy. Regardless of the relationship you have with the father, any child is a blessing. He would get in trouble for getting someone pregnant? Never heard of that, sounds like BS to me. Don’t try anymore for the family to be involved. They sound rotten, and honestly your baby is probably better off without them. But I would seek child support if I was you… Good luck with whatever you choose to do. I’m sure your 6 year old is going to be so excited
If he chooses not to contact you and I would send one to his mother stating that you need to contact me about this or I will go to your commanding officer as a military is very strict on this you say nothing away and no he won’t get in trouble for getting you pregnant especially since you’re married and I can understand the mother-in-law’s as I have a grandchild I’ve never seen as the mother of said child is a bimbo and flops back-and-forth so we’ve never been able to come to any type of even a meeting she’s always too busy or whatever and as you realize once the husband and the wife split up or boyfriend and girlfriend they usually don’t care about the kids but good luck
Seek child support, he has a responsibility to the child, period.
Don’t expect a relationship with anyone but be open to the possibility.
Just be glad he’s military and won’t be able to fight off child support
My sons sperm donor & his family has never wanted anything to do with him. It’s honestly the best thing because I am with someone & we had a daughter. He has stepped up & been the best daddy to him. Doesn’t even know the real dad because he chose to not come around.
He’s a dead beat. Far from ever being a dad or father and you need to go after hi. To make him pay child support. He helped make the baby he should be made by the court of law to help raise the baby and help financially support the child.
Go for child support and just let them decide if they want to be involved. Take him to court for full custody and have it set in stone. If he wishes to sign his rights away that’s on him. And just because he signs his rights away doesn’t mean he gets out of paying child support.
The military will make sure you get child support. If you want this baby, have it & screw everyone else who has a problem. He said he’d support you, he lied. You took your birth control. He shouldn’t be shooting loads if he doesn’t plan on doing what he said he’d do.
The only way he would get in trouble, is if he is married to someone else. The military severely frowns on adultery. Also, they’ll deduct it right from his pay before he even see’s it. & Every time he gets a promotion, go down and have that support refigured!
His parents might just need some time to process everything going on as well. While, yes… You are beginning to go through something completely difficult… he is their son. Our main priority as parents, is to ensure the protection of our children, no matter how old they get. This is emotional for them as well, & she might feel she can’t openly discuss the situation with you at the moment.
He would only get in trouble if he’s married, regardless the baby is still entitled to benefits. You will have to wait for the baby to be born but once the child is born, you will be able to get healthcare for the baby, child support, etc. feel free to message me for help.
Keep your baby and get him for child support!!! When you have sex you know what that leads to. I have a 14 months old. His dad pays child support and doesn’t see him. His loss. My son is the greatest blessing and were just find without him !!
I’m so sorry you are going through this. Honestly you can make him pay the child support but then he still retains parental rights. If you don’t seek child support you don’t have to put his name on the birth certificate and then he has no parental rights. It’s a hard decision to make. I feel for you! Best advice I can give is do what’s best for you and your child.
Make him pay. If you have yhe child 100% of the time he will pay you. Him and his family are just horrible people to act as if they dont care. But later in life if they come knocking. Id be keeping that door shut! Let your child decide when they arr old enough if thats what they want. I grew up without my dad or grandparents. Mom didnt talk much ab him. My mom kept me away for a reason. I found that out at 30 when I met him for the first time. He gives 0 shits of any of his kids. And thats on him. So fuck them. Make them pay tho!
Congrats mama it’s a hard decision. Do you want to share your baby? He and his family may come around when your bump gets larger or it’s born so never count that out. He will not get in trouble if anything he will be additional pay when the baby is born. I think that you should leave the door open for communication, document everything starting now and once the baby is born take him to court for child support. If you make a crazy amount more maybe not at all just leave him off the paperwork
They may come around in time after the baby is born
However I would respond to her and say that u wer responsible - u wer on birth control and taking it correctly
No birth control is full proof
It seems like she is trying to put most of the blame on u
Whether the father is involved with the child or not he shud still pay child support
I would make him sign away his rights to the child and i would never seek him out for anything! Him and his family made it clear they want nothing to do with the baby and honestly they dont deserve that right
Keep the baby if that’s what you want to do and he helped make it and is lying his ass off to you, but know he’s got multiple relationships going on rn not just one with you lol Get that child support.
I believe a woman has a right to choose if she wants to keep a pregnancy. It would be hypocritical of me if I didn’t say a man has a right to choose to be a father or not. He has made you aware early enough in your pregnancy that he wants you to get an abortion, and if not then he does not want to be a father. At this point, if you choose to keep it, then you should never expect any financial support from him. This is your choice alone. I realize right now you are saying you don’t want any help, but don’t change your mind later either. I think the best thing to do is get an attorney and have him sign over his rights. That protects both of you and will hold you both to the choices you are making now.
As far as his mother - if she doesn’t want a relationship that is her business. But I would set her snotty ass straight about being responsible since you were on birth control.
make sure you file for child support. he needs to help support the child. and be responsible. anytime you have sex with or without protection you run the risk of getting pregnant he also knew this now he needs to be a man and step up
Please tell me you didn’t sign that paper!!! Next, you get that child support, who cares what ANYONE else says, and you keep that baby from them who don’t want him/her and you love that baby enough that it won’t even know any better!! If in the future they should want a relationship then you let your child decide what it wants, but until then, it takes 2 to tango; and if he doesn’t want anything to do with his child he damn well better help you pay for it!!!
Why would you want this guy involved in your childs life anyway? I guess he would he handy if you wished your child to learn how to dodge responcibility or run cheap cons, he and his family dont deserve you guys and if they have a shred of humanity they will come to regret their decisions that their making now
If was in your shoes I would fill out a parenting plan and for support have the papers ready to file as soon as possible after baby is born. Go for support. Have visitation schedule open you can set it up so he can see the child any time with a week’s notice (or any set timeframe) in writing via email (save the emails) that way if he decides to be part of the child’s life you are protected from him taking the baby and running. You can set any limitations in a parenting plan such as no overnight visits until a certain age, if there are overnight visits the child has to be home before 6 pm on school nights. You can even give grandma the right for visitations. Good luck.
At 9 weeks there is no heart. There are no organs at all. You cannot have heard a heart beat. What you have is a nerve that will eventually become a heart. Seek child support, it isn’t for you, it is for the child.
Life circumstances change. You’re the Momma-Bear. Make sure that this ‘man’ is financially responsible for his child. If you never use the CS, tuck it away for your child’s future education. side note for those who coparent without a court oder
My DH and SS’s BM have coparented without CS and no CO 50/50 for years. Now one of them wants to get SS the Covid vaccine, one does not. I would encourage Everyone to get court docs written even in a friendly coparent situation. Circumstances change and something as simple as a legal document that lays out who or if both agree to medical issues which wasn’t on the radar is now a Big deal. Good luck
If he wants nothing to do with it I would just let it go and not look back. If he does pay you he has rights to a child he doesn’t want which could mean neglect.
So…. He’s in the military? Take it up his chain of command. He wants to be petty. So can you. The military doesn’t play when it comes to things like this. Get the ball rolling so that when that baby arrives, you can get child support. Even if you don’t need it.
File for child support. A child of a military parent is entitled to many benefits. If they don’t want to be apart of the childs life that’s fine. Keep any and all correspondence from him and his family.
If you take him for child support then he would have rights to your child… what if he lived across the country and claimed he wanted to see his child out of no where… you would have no choice but to send your child with him… you have no idea how he would treat your child… plus your child would not feel comfortable with him… he made his choice leave it be…
I’m so sorry for the position you find yourself in. I would seek child support from your baby’s father, but not have any relationship with him or any of his family. He still has a responsibility to his child.
If it’s this hard already, girl let it be. It’ll just be harder after the baby is born. Raise that child to be a good human without him. There will be someone down the road that will love both of your children like their own. Save yourself and your child the heart ache and walk away with your babies.
I believe he would get in trouble for not supporting his child. Go and get whatever you can and make him responsible. As for the Grandparents, they might change their mind after the baby is born. Send pictures of the baby and just “softly” keep them posted.
If he’s married he can get in trouble, otherwise, he’s bluffing hoping to deter you from seeking support. Grab that paperwork, and get going on filling it out have it ready to go for when baby is born.
See a lawyer. I would also let his parents know when the baby is born and send a picture - that’s it. Unless they make the next step. Wait and see. You should have some military benefits if he is active military.
The way he worded what he said to you, he sounds either married already or in a committed relationship with someone else and is making sure you don’t create drama for his real relationship.
Do not write him anything. If he is in the military, they automatically take it out every paycheck. If for some reason, he doesn’t pay you, contact his Commanding Officer and he will take care of it. I know this because my husband was in the military for 24 years and they took child support out of every check.
Girl, if you don’t contact his CIC… He’s full of crap. He won’t get in trouble for anything but being a deadbeat or if he’s married.
If you’re both in NC, hey can sign away this rights & still be court ordered for child support.
If he really didn’t want kids, he should’ve been thinking of that when he failed to pull out.
If he’s in the military. Contact the office of the branch he’s at and let them know the situation. He will be paying child support AND his insurance can cover the baby.
Hard as it is to be a single parent…id go it alone. Chasing child support gives him rights and he doesn’t deserve them .
Havent a clue what the military rules are since you are not together
after 6 months of no contact from dad file for full custody so he can’t get a hair up his rump down the road and take the kid at that point you are the parent he will still have to pay full support but your way goes not his he can not take the child with out your concent you can still allow visits ect as you like with dad or dads family with no issues but I wouldn’t get to friendly with them dads like to starts fight for custody just because they don’t want to pay child support not because they actually want to know their child or even want them 
shut! Let your child decide when they arr old enough if thats what they want. I grew up without my dad or grandparents. Mom didnt talk much ab him. My mom kept me away for a reason. I found that out at 30 when I met him for the first time. He gives 0 shits of any of his kids. And thats on him. So fuck them. Make them pay tho!
