I’ve known my fiancé for 5 years now, and been through some rough patches but we’ve worked hard to be where we’re at today. We came from different cultures and countries, and I’ve always wanted to be legally married with rings. He didn’t, but since he has said he wanted to for me.
Recently we got into an argument, (totally a different subject). The next day he comes home from work saying he had a personal problem that night and I made it about myself. He doesn’t want to talk about his problem, but asked why I wanted to get legally married. I gave him my answer, and told me now he doesn’t want to sign a paper. He told me he bought me a ring a few months ago, and I’m just at lost for words.
How do I navigate through this? In 5 years, he’s gone back and forth, and gives me an ultimatum after all this time. I’m assuming it’s because of the fight we had the day before, because he also asked where I see this relationship in 10 years.
I’m hurt, more than anything. Any advice how to navigate through this?
You guys need to sit down and talk. You both need to really come clean with how you feel & then you can go from there. It may be you having to deal with not actually getting married, or maybe he’ll come around. He shouldn’t lead you on, he needs to tell you how he feels
He does not want to marry you. After 2 years you should know if you want that person for life … if not move on… that is your choice. An engagement over a year is questionable… I would be embarrassed to even call myself that if I was you. At least be honest about what he is to you.
If you leave he may decide you where worth it to get back. If not you did good and can concentrate on finding someone who will value you.
Stop being a doormat and know your worth.
Honestly if your not willing to give up marriage and he doesn’t want to get married then your not suited. Hes not going to change his mind no matter how long or how many times u argue
Some people just dont feel that NEED to get married. He’s obviously one of those people.
Either accept it and stay or leave and be with someone who wants marriage too.
My fiancé and I have been together for over three years – we were engaged three months, if that, after meeting. We have yet to plan or seriously talk about a wedding b/c we are in the same discussion as you – wanting to not wanting the legality of marriage.
~ I want the legality but only b/c that’s what I grew-up knowing and wanting since my Mother was a single-parent for half my life.
~ He doesn’t agree with a piece of paper from the government dictating two people spending their lives together.
I understand his perspective on it now – and truth being told, I no longer care about the legality of it. At the end of the day, it is quite literally, just a piece of paper. A legally binding piece of paper.
Sure. There are prenups and splitting money/assets down the middle (what you came in with is what you leave with in the event of a divorce) however, why involve the legalities if you do not have to? I am at the point to where IF we have a marriage ceremony (wedding) and skip the wedding certificate, I will be just as happy with the commitment (and I was DEAD SET in my ways of a legally-binding certificate).
Point being: If getting married means that much to you, have a commitment ceremony! You can exchange rings, exchange vows and have a wonderful evening (much like a “real” wedding). The ONLY difference being, there isn’t any marriage certificate.
Now, if you are dead-set on being “legally” married, you both need to sit down and have a face-to-face conversation to decide if you can reach an agreement and stick to it.
Regardless of what happens, you need to understand that there really isn’t a point of being legally married aside for that slip of paper decreeing that you two are “in the eyes of the state/government”. That shouldn’t mean more to you than building an ever-lasting relationship and not basing it on a paper with a seal and signature.
Have a discussion and see where that leads. You’ll be surprised in what can be said and agreed upon but remember, he doesn’t have to want the legality and you don’t have to want to settle for anything less than that. These ARE important decisions to make, and to make TOGETHER.
Don’t force him to get married if he doesn’t want to . You need to decide if that’s really important to you, or if you’re willing to just be together without marriage . If that’s what you want , leave and find someone who wants the same .
Decide if marriage is what you truly want; if so, he’s not for you! If you can’t see yourself without him, accept that he doesn’t want marriage but never force it upon someone
You both have reasons for wanting what you want but if you can’t compromise it may be time to look elsewhere. It’s one thing to love someone without marriage if your lifestyle permits it but legal unions help so much if you want to build a family.
If you’ve been engaged 5 years and he’s made no effort to make it legal then you need to realize he isn’t serious about doing it. Personally I’d move on.
He’s communicating. Appreciate that, first. Second, you can’t force him to get married, its not right. If he doesn’t want to be married, but its a deal breaker for you, then stop and really think about his question. Where do you see your relationship in 10 years? And if you can’t get over that you may not be married, then move on.
Either you comes to term he don’t wanna get married and stay or you decide getting married is so important for you that you move on and find a guy that wants the same.
If you truly love him, it shouldn’t matter whether it’s on a piece of paper or not. But if he truly loves you as well, vice versa. But if you want that marriage, get out! Why force a man to marry you? It’s just asking for disaster, even if he caves & marries you, it won’t work out in the long wrong.
If he doesn’t want what you want leave, no point in trying to make him want what you want and having him resent you the rest of your life, seems like you’re just two different people.
Although you shouldn’t “force” (push/convince) him to get married if he truly doesn’t want to. (He’ll resent you and it will show.)… you also shouldn’t sacrifice something so important to you. Be true to yourself.
And you may also want to think about other topics you two may not be on the same page about….
You determine your own happiness. If marriage is what you want, find it elsewhere. He seemed he only agreed because you wanted to, not because he wanted to. I feel he would leave you at the alter. You need to think if being married or unmarried is worth throwing the relationship away.
5 years is a lot of time to not commit or be point blank and sorry to say… you both want different things…
some people they just can’t go it, but stop holding on to someone that was just a chapter in your book not your whole story, we have yo let go to find what is meant fir us at times… we miss out because we don’t want to let go. It’s clear he won’t completely commit… telling you he got a ring is like putting salt on them a cut… it’s a tough one only you can make that choice yo stay or find your true husband.
Sounds like he has someone at work he talks to, who sides with him and now he’s confused at what he wants to do… If it’s important to you and not him, maybe time to move on…
You guys have 2 very different ideas of the future, and he’s seeing that I think. You need to see it too, because y’all are wasting time on each other. If he signs those papers resentment WILL build up. Marriage isn’t in everyone’s future, and he doesn’t owe marriage to you just because you’re together. Let him go he sounds like a hostage.
After being together after a few months I talked about the things I wanted in life and he said he wanted the same things (having another child and getting married). After being together for 4 years he told me he changed his mind and he didn’t want to be married again or have another child. I was heart broken and felt like I wasted years. I waited another year to see if he would change his mind back and he didn’t… so I was planning on leaving. When I told him I wanted to leave… he told me he would agree to marriage if I would compromise on having a baby. So I agreed. Two months later he proposed, he was so excited to propose, he did it the same day he got it in the mail😂. A year and a half later I got pregnant with an oops baby that is due January 2022… and we’re getting married October 2022. This January we will be together 7 years.
I was in a wonderful, five year relationship and he never wanted to marry or have children. We sat down like adults, cried our eyes out, and realized we were on different paths in life. I was being held back from the family and relationship I so desired. He wasn’t being fair by keeping me around knowing he couldn’t (or wasn’t willing) to give me what I dreamt for.
So, we parted ways. It was extremely difficult as we had a great relationship but ultimately worked out for the best.
I’m now married to the most amazing husband I could’ve ever prayed for and have a healthy, happy five year old.
Many times what we want doesn’t align with what’s best for us. Want your best and never force anything different.
Do you live together or has he given you an engagement ring and visits . Does he work away from home. Is he hiding another family somewhere. Is he already married.
Different cultures can be difficult but having given you a ring id expect the next step to be planning a wedding and id be asking questions
It’s okay to not want to get married, it’s okay to want to get married. What’s not okay is staying in a relationship when y’all both have different goals. It’s not a red flag if he doesn’t want to get married. There’s a lot of reasons to not want to. I think my advice would be to leave him so you can find what you want, a marriage with someone who also wants a marriage. Don’t force it on him.
He has told you he doesn’t want to get married. You can keep pushing but all your doing is pushing him out the door. So make a decision. Either let him go or accept marriage is off the table.
Don’t keep wasting your time with someone who doesn’t want to commit. You’ve spent 5 years trying and it hasn’t worked. Get out now beffore you are any older!
Honey, he doesn’t want to commit to you. You should probably move on and let him decide what he is looking for. After five years, he should be sure, and it apparently not you.
I know it hurts but you are going to have to walk away. If you want to get married and he doesn’t then it’s better to be by yourself than letting years pass by you
Honey, if he doesn’t want to get married, there’s nothing you can do. Forcing the issue will make you both extremely unhappy. All relationships require work, but this sounds like more than that. Good relationships aren’t battle zones. If you’ve had to work this hard just to get here, and here isn’t great either, maybe it just wasn’t meant to be?
Why are you trying to force him to marry you? Some people just don’t want to get married. Marriage isn’t for everyone. I learned that the first time I got married. Never again. Accept ot or leave, that’s your options
He doesn’t want to be married and you can’t force him. After so long of continue to getting him to answer the same question he is going to get tired. I get you want to get married but you can’t be with someone who isn’t on the same page. Or learn to compromise. Not only is he hurting you but you keep hurting yourself by holding on to some type of hope and keep asking the same question. That whole that you’ve been engaged and haven’t been married and he’s told you, doesn’t that say something to you?
Ok. So don’t get married. Stay with him as it is or go. Your choice. (I’m with my guy 12 years, very committed to each other…I won’t marry. That’s fine.)
I am 37, an old lady compared to many here, I’m sure. I’ve been married, and divorced, and in my present relationship for over a decade now. My partner is of the opinion that marriage is everything, but to me it is nothing. I do not need a piece of paper to signify my commitment to my partner, I have 10 years of daily proof, so why does it matter? No, you are not required to compromise on this matter if you don’t want to, but its worth bearing consideration as to whether a piece of paper is needed to define your relationship. Consider whether your commitment to him will change the day you sign that license, cause I’m willing to bet the answer is no.
He doesn’t wanna get married. Simple as that. If it’s something you feel you need, that’s understandable but you won’t get it from him. But with it being 5 years already, you need to sit down and figure out if you still are on the same path. But it seems as if you’re not
He clearly never wanted to get married, if you knew that was how he felt then I’m not sure why you want to be with someone that doesn’t want the same thing…I also think that by you bringing it up when you were arguing about something different and not really knowing what his “personal problem” is, was not a good idea. Time to move on
I don’t fully get what you are asking? He has made this very known that he had no interest in getting married. You either need to decide if you are OK with that and if you are not then you need to end this
Why though? It’s literally just a paper. People want to get married because of the thought of being together forever, they some how think that nothing will come in between that. It happens though. Just because you sign a piece of paper, that doesn’t automatically make you bound together forever. You can be with him forever, if that’s what you both choose, but a piece of paper changes literally nothing. You probably want a wedding and what have you, so have a little ceremony and a wedding, but without becoming legally married.
So what is your reason for wanting to and what is his reason for not? If those are two things that can’t be reconciled then leave. But…
You can be committed to each other without a piece of paper. Plenty of people are married and unhappily and plenty of people live their whole lives together happily without making it legal. If it’s a wedding you’ve always dreamed of then you can have a commitment ceremony.
If ur not both on the same page about marriage then it’s clear you want different things so accept that or move on its that simple…Marriage is a piece of paper that’s it …if you guys have already been together for 5 yrs then it must be working the way it is now…
Go…my daughter wasted 5 years with a guy who finally gave her an engagement ring and 3 months later said he didn’t want to get married. She realized later how emotionally abusive he was. You might be in the same boat.
So you either need to accept that he doesn’t want to be married but he wants the whole package deal which is a woman at home who cooks clean sleeps with him etc or you can leave him and find someone who will marry you. You’ve known prolly for a long time he doesn’t want to marry you so why force it? You can’t force him to marry you cause if you do guess what you’ll be divorced cause he’ll resent you for it and you won’t be happy if he doesn’t marry you so you’ll resent him for not marrying you so do you see why you should just leave the situation in the end??? Also marriage is just a piece of paper nothing else and if you end up divorcing it’s gonna cost money so. So if u truly want a piece of paper saying he’s yours then that’s on you in the end but if he’s stuck by you for 5 years even thru rough patches and you still can’t accept that then that’s on you in the end.
All of his questions and answers tell you exactly what you need to know. He absolutely does not want to get married and tbh, he doesn’t seem to want to be in a relationship anymore either.
I’d have some really tough discussions and make some even tougher choices
Lived this myself…Move on if he hasnt married you by now and continues to make excuses he has no intentions…Save yourself more years of nothing and of more heartache
I will tell you something from my own experience. When my ex-husband and I were engaged he said he didn’t see a point in getting married, it was just a piece of paper to him. I was hurt, it meant a lot to me and I wanted it to mean a lot to him. So I hid my hurt, and kept pushing for the marriage anyways. We got married, and he proceeded to prove just how little marriage really meant to him. So fast forward 8 years, after all the love I had for him. And all the hope’s and dreams I had for our family, it’s just a piece of paper to me now. Take that for what it is. Just maybe some food for thought.
TBH: Most men know if they want to be with someone permanently within the first year of the relationship. Which will usually lead to a proposal. And based of my personal life experiences of myself and others, this is generally true. Now maybe marriage isn’t for everyone—and neither wants to be married and just be life partners—and that’s ok and should be talked about. But if he knows your desire of marriage, he’s apparently not wanting to for whatever reason in his mind, whether job, finances, other obligations, or his commitment level with you. You’ve invested this much time, is the love you have together right now enough? Or do you really want to be married one day? If you want marriage, he might not be the person for you. Never force someone to commit to you — there’s someone else that will. Best of luck figuring it all out.
He wants out of the relationship just too much of a whip to tell you. You should just leave. If he actually wants you he’ll try to stop you but I don’t see that happening.
If he’s not willing to marry you he’s just hanging around until something better comes along. If that weren’t the case he’d be willing to commit. Move on before you complicate the situation even more with kids.
Three has to be a reason he does not want to be married usually the biggest one is he already is married. If you want a husband leave your guy and find a man who wants to really be your husband.
Walk away. He is giving you an answer, you aren’t seeing it. Love yourself more and find someone who will adore you and make the commitment without any stipulations. Good luck.
If you force a man to marry you, he will always resent you and it will ultimately lead to divorce. Be thankful for what you have. If it’s not enough, look for someone else. Don’t ruin someone else’s life because you have an irrational need for a ring and a contract to validate your love or your worth.
I speak from experience.
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you. He just may not want to be married.
Marriage is the easiest way to ruin a great relationship.
Want your best and never force anything different.
on your finger ?