I think they should have called to say Happy birthday and let you know they wouldn’t beable to come. However, it was only last year that they lost a parent and are probably still grieving so I can understand them not coming.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to show/tell my in laws how I feel without actually saying it?
The best way to address it is to actually verbalize your feelings. If you dont, it could just cause a rift between you and the in laws. Just talk to them about it and explain how you feel affected by their actions
Your Lucky all we ever got was Five dollar bill all our lives… they were rude? Did they say they were coming ? Or did you assume? Because your in-laws maybe we’re suffering that day.
Fuck em.dont invite them next time.
You invited them the day of the party. If you never heard from them why would you make enough for them.
Maybe do a RSVP next time so food doesnt go to waste. If you want meaning gifts maybe give gift ideas. Never expect someone to do what you would do for them. You will be disappointed everytime. Now that you see who cares the most extend the invite to those who showed up to come back again. Save your emotional energy for those who care.
Kinda weird you’re almost 30 & expect gifts… unfortunately just because you do it… doesn’t mean they have to or will… if I were you I wouldn’t go out of my way anymore… lesson learned.
Just don’t invite them again and don’t buy them presents anymore
Stop doing for the others, they do not deserve it.
Sorry that happened happy birthday… that was pretty ignorant of them
You’re grown. You are supposed to do for others for the right reasons. Control your expectations and don’t let someone jade you.
Sounds like you have crappy inlaws. Vocalize how you feel and then take a step back. Let your husband put the effort into his family. Dont go out of the way for people who won’t do the same for you. They obviously dont appreciate you and even if they were having a hard weekend because its been a year after their loss then they should of Vocalized that to you guys and said they couldnt come.
Did they actually get your invite?
Tell them. They won’t know unless you tell them how hurt you are.
Stop forcing issues, that’s a message, get it and continue living your life, the moment you gonna start talking about it, it gonna bring more drama, it’s enough that they don’t like you and it’s kinda they talk about you coz how comes no one showed up?
I think since this is the first anniversary of his death, it’s understandable the family wouldn’t feel like socializing. Celebrate with your family or just give it a year. Next year things might not be so raw. But it’s going to be a hard day for awhile for them. Certainly that’s understandable?
I get it. It’s not about getting something, you just wanted to feel like you mattered to them. If you have a good dynamic with them just tell them how you feel. If you don’t have a good dynamic don’t sweat it. Next year you know who to not invite. Makes more room for others you love.
Communication is always very important
Buying gifts for people you love is more for you than them. I wouldn’t stop giving if that’s what makes you happy. I would just stop expecting them to be there. Send out an invite. If you don’t get a RSVP don’t make enough for them. If they show up great & if not great. I wouldn’t let it bug you. Not everyone has the same heart you do.
I don’t think you are taking into consideration the loss the family suffered and it being the year mark of that loss. It’s a huge thing to deal with.
Perhaps celebrating on the anniversary of the loss of a loved one is still to hard for them. I’m sure you are loved by your in laws. Happy Belated Birthday. Speak to them honestly, it’s nothing to be bitter over.
They could of at least let you know they weren’t coming and I would not be turning up to anything they are organising ever again
Don’t involve them in anything and stop attending their events or if you do go don’t take a gift
Maybe the in-laws felt conflicted with the yearly anniversary of the death of the Grandfather.
You need to communicate and tell them it hurt your feelings but you also need to understand that it’s the first year anniversary of your husbands grandfather and that first year anniversary is the hardest of all the years that go by (trust me I know from my own experience with my dad dying when I was 24 years old). But since you’re so hurt over this you need to use your words and explain your feelings to them but you will also need to accept what they tell you without being hurt more also
While your feelings are valid, also try to keep in mind that It’s not just your birthday, it’s also the day they lost someone they loved and only a year ago.
Your husbands grandfather died last year on your birthday. Making this year the 1st anniversary of that passing. To expect your MIL to show up on the 1st anniversary of her dads passing is a bit much. She likely felt your dinner party was inconsiderate of you due to the occassion for them. Depending on how close he was to his grandkids it may have been a sad day for all in his family and they opted to spend the day having a remembrance of him. If you come at them about feeling hurt they didnt show up, you will potentially find yourself called out for being insensitive to their feelings and selfish to think your birthday dinner should come before their mourning.
Think about what they might be dealing with right now. They might not be bringing it up because they dont know how to tell YOU that you hurt them planning a happy event on a sad day.
It was the anniversary of their grandfather’s death. They may not have felt like a celebration. That being said they should have told you they would not be coming.
Bae Wa Ke It was the 1st anniversary of their loved ones death (I’m sorry but for them it’s not that important that it’s your birthday). Kinda childish and selfish to expect the mourning to celebrate your birthday. The whole post is kinda bratty and petty. Happy Birthday though.
Why didn’t your husband talk to them about whether they were coming or not? They could easily have told them it was too difficult because of the death. They may have misread your intention to celebrate your birthday as disrespect for what they’re going through. It might be a touchy subject…
I don’t think it was you more the date of the grandfather passing.
Stop doing it! You doing to much for people who do so little for you….Plus that day it wasn’t about you for them, it was about their family member who passed away. You might need to change your way of thinking and realize that your only family are your direct blood and those are the ones that matter to you.
Your 28. Your big exciting birthdays are long over. Its on the anniversary of a loved ones death, and we are still in a pandemic. I’m not sure what you expected but if I was them I would have not gone to a 28yos birthday in a pandemic and would have probably stayed home and reflected on my loved one who had the anniversary of their passing.
This kind of seems like a joke. I don’t think I know anyone who is an adult who has a birthday party/get together.
If this is a serious post, I’m sorry you are feeling deprived. And happy birthday.
The first anniversary of someone passing is always difficult. I think your timing could have been better. Birthday presents as adults don’t usually happen unless it is immediate family or your own parents/siblings. You sound spoilt and passive aggressive to me.
I would approach them in a non confrontational way and tell them that you’re sorry if scheduling your birthday dinner on the anniversary of your husband’s grandfather’s passing was offensive to them. Let them know that you didn’t mean any disrespect. It sounds as though you all normally get along very well so it’s probably just unintended misunderstandings on both sides. Don’t mess up a good relationship with your husbands family over misunderstandings.
I think they are still grieving. This is the first anniversary of his passing. Let it go. Be satisfied with having your family. Have some compassion for them. They are not thinking straight right now it will be different next year. I’m sorry if I sound mean. I know how they feel. It’s not easy the first year. It needs to be respected and observed. I realize it’s your BD and I’m sorry they couldn’t at least call. I’ve never had a party after yr 14 so I don’t see the problem. I just see a temper tantrum. Don’t fix food for a party till you know for sure who’s coming. Oh. Welcome to adulthood.
Next year don’t throw a birthday party for yourself!
You’re 28, grow up. You’re making a really sad day for them, all about you. And no, you don’t need presents!
Yo I didn’t even get 3 calls on my birthday for my 30th, my grandparents remembered and said it, my bestie and my aunt’s. But yeah I would not have done something even close to my birthday and invited people who lost their dad last year that’s insanely insensitive. If someone made a get together the year anniversary of my dad’s death I would say to heck with them because my grief is a million times more important than a birthday unfortunate but true. Maybe celebrate your half birthday with that side of the family?
I would’ve kicked the bday celebration to the following day or closest weekend without conflicting the two. There’s absolutely nothing to celebrate when one passes.
STOP expecting people to treat you like you’d treat you. Et this be a lesson for you: MATCH ENERGY!!!
Watch your energy and reciprocate to those who SHOW you the same. Those who don’t- why bother yourself? This is a tough lesson to learn, but very necessary.
Posts like this, I always wish they weren’t anonymous
Like I wanna see who posted this! Lol but happy birthday anyway.
You are looking for validation and appreciation in the wrong place.
Preach girl. I am with you! Xoxoxo
Yes. You’re over exaggerating. If you need a pay on the back or recognition for doing things. Stop. It’s like you’re putting on a show for everyone and then mad because you’re not being recognized for your performance. I totally understand wanting family and loved ones around for your birthday. But you lost me at -no one got you gifts or showed you appreciation, etc. You can’t expect the same energy you give. And if you do, you’re not doing it right. Give yourself permission to have boundaries and to stop doing the most.
I think this is a tough situation. In any case of a family member passing I think it’s always important to be mindful of those death day dates, because of this exact reason. We should never expect people to want to celebrate someone they love in place of grieving over a love one they lost; I think hurt overpowers love in many ways. That’s putting them in a spot where they feel like they have to choose between the living and the deceased who they don’t want to forget. What I will say is that it’s not a bad thing to invite people to celebrate your birthday. If all you wanted was to spend the time with loved ones in celebration of your birthday that’s great and if you’re the one who has to facilitate the planning for that then so be it. I just think that being mindful of the fact that your birthday comes every year but the significant dates of a recent passing of someone close can make people who have made progress in accepting a loss regress is important. I think moving the date would have been a solid solution and should have been considered in the beginning. Don’t take it personally, just try to put yourself in their shoes.
It was the first anniversary of the loss of someone that was precious to them. There’s likely also some anxiety over the pandemic. Grief is selfish sometimes and that’s something you must respect. I doubt that it was really about you. They might even feel like your plans were insensitive… please try to let it go. Hope you all feel better soon.
They still could.of.told.you am sorry we can’t make it etc with it being the anniversary or asked you to change the date of your birthday meal to help you celebrate so I think something needs to be said yes you only asked to spend your birthday with family you didn’t ask to much, theu only had to say sorry we don’t feel ita appropriate with the Anniversary of grandad death etc and we can’t make it etc or would you make change your meal to the next day etc I feel like they should have communicated more instead of just shutting you out find that quiet rude
Nobody gets to choose when to be born or when to die… but, don’t let death take over Life… celebrate your life, celebrate your birthday while you can… you never know when your last one will be… be an adult and celebrate yourself every day… many people center their love and attention to people that died instead of the people that are still alive. I know grief is hard and not the same for everyone, I have lost many loved ones, my dad, a brother, grandparents, nephews among others. Death will happen… but Life is happening now and everyday… give flowers, time and love people now while they’re alive, once they die it’s too late. Yes, be respectful to someone’s grieve, but don’t stop living because someone died… it takes a level of maturity to let go and accept death as part of Life. Happy birthday to you
Always be grateful for everything, Mr George has been the source of my income, he guide me through out the process of my trading, but at first I thought he wanted all my money and run away…but one faithful morning after 7 days of trading I woke up and saw my account loaded up with money I got a text from him and said my trading has been completed and that was how I got my profit successfully… I’m still trading and I want you to trade too … Kindly in-box him on Facebook page George Alexanderal
Birthday weekend? Doesn’t your birthday fall on one day. Your inlaws have dedicated themselves to remembering their lost one on the 1 year anniversary of their passing. I wouldn’t have came either.
I’m really confused by people who organise celebrations for themselves. I find it really precocious and in bad taste. 28 years old and should consider how these family members would be feeling and wanting to honour their loved one. You made this all about you.
Jus Tell Them How U Feel And Stop Going Out Your Way For Them…They’re Going To Pick Up On It And Ask Questions Jus Be Prepared To Speak Your Peace And Be Prepared For Them Trying To Make U Feel Guilty Or Bad For Even Feeling The Way U Feel
Birthdays ,party,gatherings are triggers,
Nobody wants to be laughing etc let them grieve
Did you personally invite them as for me it sound as if they didn’t know about your function
They could’ve at least explained why they couldn’t come
Instead of just not coming. It’s very hurtful. Maybe next year celebrate your bday alone but throw a party the next weekend or something?
Of course ur going to feel hurt… just don’t do anything for them anymore.
Their behaviour was bloody rude.
They could have “at least” let u know and explained that they were not coming … u are right to feel like you do… ur reaction is totally valid.
Maybe you should of had your birthday dinner a week later or a week before, not on the anniversary death of a loved one , which I see there point .
My husband’s family celebrates everyone’s bday in the family except mine. I have always had to plan my own bday dinner if I wanted to have them celebrate me. I just don’t anymore. I just have dinner with my busy daughter and mom now
We seriously need to refrain from inviting too much people in the house even relatives because this is fastest way to spread covid…small group the better or none at all to be safe.
Get your husband to ask his family why they didn’t all come for Dinner
It’s OK to be like damn that sucked but their father and grandfather died sooo your needs take the back seat. You should try to organize that sort of death for them. You sre in the big wrong on this one friend
Did they say they were coming and then you made all that food? Or did they not commit and you made all that food anyway? As a grown up, you don’t really have birthday parties anymore. Add that in with the loss of a loved one and a pandemic, it’s not really surprising that no one felt particularly social.
As he only passed a year ago it’s all too fresh to be celebrating your birthday on that day. Plan your celebration for the weekend after the anniversary of his granddad death. It’s hard I know, my father in law died on my birthday, and it was a few years before I did anything on my actual birthday. To be honest you made it all about you and didn’t give a thought to their grief, and don’t expect gifts, if you get them at 28 that’s a bonus. However if they knew they were invited, they should have let you know they wouldn’t be there and why. Just talk to them, and keep it about them not letting you know. Think about how they are feeling too.
Get over yourself. You’re a grown up, not a kid, you don’t need gifts. Sucks they didn’t show up or even mention anything, very rude of them. Time to stop doing for others, if they can’t even show up for you and your the one who paid for and organised something for you.
Look, i do all that and get ZERO. i dont get bday gifts from anyone…including husband. I dont get anything christmas,vday,mothers day, nada. But i dropped $200 on fathers day for my husband and sent my dad a shirt, card, and $100 gc
The food? Freeze it. Meals for a couple! Yay. Yes they could have called. Should have. But it is what it is.
I can understand them not wanting to celebrate but they could have just said that when she originally invited them instead of letting her waste time and money on a bunch of food and at the very least said happy birthday.
I truly feel bad that grown adults treated you the way they did. So because this is Also the anniversary of her death does that mean that every year your birthday cannot be celebrated because of that? It sounds to me like it would’ve been a great way for everyone to get together and celebrate a few different things at one time. Been there done that in the same situation as you sweetie that’s why my in-laws are not in my life and that’s the way I like it. So sorry you had to go through this but you are the better person. Next year take yourself out for supper with friends
Your husband should have contacted his family and asked why they didn’t come ? It’s incredibly rude to not just turn up
Don’t stop being you yeah a lot of what you do is for yourself buying them gifts makes you feel good and everybody is selfish okay maybe not everybody but most everybody… keep being you
I can totally understand your hurt but you really need to say something. Be sure to have your husband supporting you by your side when you do. Write out exactly what you want to say and do your best not to get emotional when you do get your say. That has to be the most horrible thing I have ever read in a long time. Speak your peace and move on knowing you said something.
PS I wouldn’t say anything about gifts or they might take it the wrong way and think that’s what you’re mad about. As we age, we tend to be overlooked in the gift department. That’s normal.
You can’t control what other people do, you don’t say or do anything, you have to learn to give people the same value they give you or you can make your peace with knowing they don’t give you what you expect them to give you… the answer is within you, what do you want to do about it? I wouldn’t do anything, I just wouldn’t remember to give them anything ever again and just not show up for their birthdays, but then again, I do give people the same value they give me… good luck, either way!
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to show/tell my in laws how I feel without actually saying it?
You said yourself their family member passed away last year on your birthday. How can you be so oblivious as to why. Yes fair enough feel let down but your been over the top. It’s was his first anniversary of his death they probably didn’t know how to deal with it or approach you knowing it would upset you. For 28 you sound very immature to me and only bothered about gifts
I mean in terms of present I get a big sloppy kiss from my son and that’s about it. Not even my partner gets me a gift but birthdays Christmas etc aren’t about the gifts to me. It’s about spending time with and making memories with the ones I love.
Yeah gifts are a thing of the past when you get older for 1, it’s goes on the young kids, and if you get one it’s normally from your partner if your parents are here from them, too But older you get afraid not!
The think is it’s the first year of the grandads death no ones gonna wanna be cutting cake on that day, too many emotions! It gets easier with time, but if it was me I’d just do my birthday celebration on another day with his family…I’d say after, and just do something with your family on your birthday. A death is a death just gotta tread carefully x
Did you call them on the day of your birthday or the day before to see of they still coming ?? Just be honest … or just express your feeling to your husband and see what he say. Your feeling are valid just be honest about them .
Just ask them if they’re okay, ask what happened, show genuine concern. Maybe they just forgot with the anniversary of the death and it slipped their minds. Maybe they didn’t realise how important it was for you. How did you invite them? Was it a passing comment or didn’t they realise you were making a big meal and wanted a whole family dinner. If you’re speaking about how to tell them without telling them, are you sure they knew it was a big deal? Did you formally invite them?
As for is £50 from your dad all the gift you get for your birthday. That’s lucky! That’s a lot of money for someone to give up. Things are tight, wages to rent ratio is crap and it’s probably meant your dad had to go without something to give it to you. Don’t be ungrateful. As for gifting in general, don’t give to receive, give to give. If you give with the expectation of receiving gifts when it’s your birthday or Christmas or whatever then you’re going it wrong and it comes across as a bit immature.
Give a gift because you know you’ll feel good giving them something they really want or need. If you’re giving gesture gifts such as flowers, chocolates, or trinkets that someone doesn’t really need, it’s quite a token giving and people may to want to spend money on the same to give back.
All you saying they’re immature are actually aresholes…their feelings are still valid?!
Communicate and use your words like an adult they’re not mind readers and this idea how ‘how can I show it without telling them’ is extremely childish
I dont know any 28 year old that still expects gifts on their birthday… After 18 my kids just got a card and that’s it… Me, I couldn’t be arsed if I even get a card, its just another day
As for the meal, you said you heard nothing from your family so before I started to cook anything I’d have rang around for confirmation so I’d know how many to cook for
Personally I would’ve contacted everyone a couple days before to check who was still coming before I cooked dinner. But yes I would’ve felt hurt if people had said they were coming and then didn’t communicate that they were no longer coming…. Bad communication all round by the sounds of it! You need to express that you are hurt and in the future ask them to contact you if they can no longer make something they’ve already said they would? X
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to show/tell my in laws how I feel without actually saying it?
You said it yourself, you believe you do too much and aren’t seeing that energy come back to you. That should tell you something right there. That said, getting older I have made less and less of a day about my birthday. I can’t even remember the last time I had an actual birthday party. My brother and sister-in-law are always so thoughtful to invite me over for dinner, and that means so much to me. Knowing that the people that do care show up for you is what matters. Focus on that, not the ones that didn’t.
As I’ve gotten older I’ve stopped expecting mt birthdays to be anything special. I don’t remember any of my birthdays really. It’s just a day. It used to bother me but now I just don’t care. My kids and a phone call from my mama is all I need.
The gift part I see as each to their own, different families do different things. However not to even acknowledge your birthday is just pure rude, you didn’t chose to be born that day nor did the grandfather chose that day to pass, it beyond all control. I would be livid and I think I’d like an explanation, so maybr talk to your partner (he not to blame) but see if he can mediate between yourself and his family. A lot of misunderstanding is due to miscommunication, so write everything it has made you feel, voice it, realise it and hopefully move on. x
Yes this is more than normal for 28. The not getting gifts part I mean. It’s not about the materialistic things.
You said their family member died on that day. Was the dinner on that same anniversary, you birthday??? If so you were asking to much. I’m sorry your birthday now shares the same sad anniversary, but that is life. Try a different approach.
The gift thing, yeah. Once you are an adult, expecting gifts from others ( aside from maybe your husband ) is a bit much. You will most definitely be let down. However, no. You are not blowing it out of proportion to be upset about your in-laws completely bailing on your birthday dinner, without so much as a " we can’t make it, sorry ". That’s just rude and ignorant to you and your feelings. As someone who has lost many people in my life (today is actually the anniversary of my father’s passing), I would never just bail on a loved ones birthday, or special occasion because it was the anniversary of another loved ones passing. I may miss some things depending on who’s anniversary it is (I have lost 2 children, and their anniversaries and birthdays are absolutely debilitating to me still) however, I would at least have the courtesy to ensure that the person/people were made aware that I wouldn’t be in attendance, and would still call and wish them a happy birthday. First anniversaries of death can be almost just as hard as the initial passing, but the way the went about this is absolutely not okay. You are well within your right to feel hurt. I would just be honest with them. Without being rude. If they just blow you off, or are rude to you about you telling them how they made you feel, then that speaks more to their character, not yours. I would however, stop doing so much for everyone. Especially if it goes completely unappreciated, or reciprocated. I’m sorry you were treated so poorly, especially on your day.
Hm idk turning 28 soon I think I mightve recieved measuring cups for my bday as the only gift when I turned 27. Lol. Your husband and your family sounds like they’ll always be there there for you and to me, that seems like its enough. <3
I’m sorry but I don’t understand the responses to this post. Everyone saying she’s over exaggerating and wanting gifts. Clearly she wasn’t concerned about material things. She wanted her husbands family to SHOW UP for her birthday party - which is definitely not too much to ask. Also, it’s not too much to ask for them to respect her enough to tell her if they weren’t coming because she prepared food and a party for them. Really, her family should have thrown the party FOR her and cooked the dinner. I would feel disrespected by this and I’d talk to my husband first before approaching his family. If you do address it with the family you’d be justified. Just express your disappointment that no one came and no one called and ask if something happened or if there was a good reason. But your feelings are valid
The reason they didn’t come is because it was the one year anniversary of the grandfather and maybe they wanted to stay home and grieve? A year is SUPER fresh.
I’m sorry I’m a material girl and I love to receive prezzies, not elaborate ones, it’s the thought that counts, and if I invited everyone over I would be so hurt if Noone showed up or even let me know they weren’t coming! I think that’s extremely rude and inconsiderate!
If it makes you feel any better NOBODY remembered my birthday for the last 3 yrs! My side…his …and my own kids! And last year his family had a birthday party on MY birthday for someone else and nobody even said happy birthday to me. The person the party was for was given a gift from my boyfriend and when I told him WHY I was pissy he really said well with covid its not like I could of went shopping…I could care less about an actual gift…it was the point. So this year I “forgot” everyone’s birthday (except my kids) and haven’t went to a single birthday party or anything lol
Umm you’re 28 you’re definitely over exaggerating about the gifts. Don’t expect gifts, if they get you one then that’s great but if they don’t and if you’re buying others gifts in the hope that they’ll return the favours then maybe stop doing it because that isn’t how it should be. As for your birthday dinner, maybe they weren’t feeling up to celebrating a birthday on the 1st anniversary of your husbands grandfathers death. I sure as hell wouldn’t
Here’s my thoughts:
- Stop doing too much for others. Don’t go overboard anymore.
- Maybe talk to your side of the family about how to approach the subject with the in laws. Maybe if you can, talk to your husband about it. Maybe, have an open and honest convo with your in laws about how it made you feel. You will NEVER know if you don’t communicate to them about it.
- Whether now or next year, celebrate your birthday for yourself. Pamper yourself. Go overboard on yourself how you did for others. Self care, self love and putting yourself first sometimes is very important.
- If this is the only time you have a problem with the in laws, then cherish the relationship between your families. Weigh the pros and cons and see what you come up with. Maybe it was because of the sad connection to the same date.
Reciprocity is important in any exchange. Your birthday coincides with the death of a family member. No disrespect, but an expectation that they partake in festivities is not realistic and in some families may be considered disrespectful. A better approach for both sides is to pick the another weekend to celebrate. Your day is respected and their loss is too.
Some more food for thought. Love language is not the same for us all. At 28, I would probably buy you a drink and call it a day. However if you break your leg and need someone to clean your house, I would do it.
Some people give gifts and others don’t. One should never give to receive. And the person that buys you a gift may not be the person that visits you and cares for you when you’re sick.
“Do unto others as others do unto you” therefore, they didn’t bother to even show up so do the same when it’s something important to them. Why should you give 100% effort to their occasions and they just openly showed you they couldn’t give 2 shits
I’m sorry that happened to you! I’ve been there and it’s terrible. However, Happy Belated Birthday sweetie
It’s been a year since my daddy has passed away and the day that it happened was tough so I completely understand why they didnt show up and if you’ve never lost someone that close that explains why you dont understand imo! You could have scheduled it for a different day and gave them time to mourn their loss! It’s still hard if not harder a year later and I’m sure that’s all they thought about on that day so please take that into consideration and forget about the “presents” you are grown now!
Are you doing too much? No. I dont think so. I an also a doer. Gifts and acts of service show me love.
Now. It was the one year anniversary from their parents passing. They probably haven’t healed and likely may not have actually dealt with it privately. Grieving is a hard, personal and long process. The date is no longer your birthday but a day that brings them pain. Perhaps try a celebration of life next time and have your birthday celebration on some other day?
I imagine they didn’t come because they didn’t want to 1) ruin your day, 2) were probably sad/depressed/at the cemetery and 3)they were celebrating their loved one.