Currently pregnant with my second boy. My first is 3, and I currently have split custody (not court-ordered) with his father. The second baby is going to Open adoption, as his father and I are not ready financially to take on a baby and care for him properly (got pregnant unexpectedly on birth control and decided not to abort). Taking a route that saves us from the detrimental financial hit we would take (which isn’t great as it is), AND completing a family that’s longed for their own child, how would we bring up to my 3yo son that he has a younger brother? Will it hurt him if I introduce them as cousins? To clarify, I’ll be very much involved and see this second baby often. I’m close to the couple adopting him; they come to all the appointments, and we talk every day. If anyone has any advice on how or when to bring it up, or if I should just let it be until the kiddos figure it out, please let me know. I don’t want to hurt either of them or have them feel betrayed when I feel like I did what was best.
Don’t do it. You say you will be involved with the baby through open adoption but there are no laws which guarantee adoptive parents will follow the agreement. Many open adoptions close by age 5. In addition, your kept child may possibly wonder if you were able to give their sibling away, what’s to stop you from giving them away. Most of society has this beautiful visión of adoption as some win-win situation for everyone but adoption is Trauma and loss to a newborn baby. Join Adoption: Facing Realities to be truly informed about your choice. Your baby just needs you.
Be honest. Never lie to your child or when they find out, because they always do….then he will never trust your word.
Hi! I’m a mom and a birth mom! Open adoption! Please PM me 
I’m more than happy to talk!
Be honest from day one as long as the other parents agree as well to baby knowing. It’s no different than coparenting. It will allow both boys to know they are loved and that mama and bio mama both do everything in their power to know they are cared for. Knowing they are loved and wanted is all that matters.
I’m glad you were able to make this decision. It must’ve been hard, but your strength is amazing.
I’m glad you were able to make this decision. It must’ve been hard, but your strength is amazing.
Id tell them. Compare it a surrogacy instead of an adoption? That you grew the baby bc they couldn’t. I know it’s not the same but it will eventually explain how they are related to you and it allowed someone to have a family.
Just always treat it as no big deal and let him know that’s his brother.
Does ur lil know ur pregnant ? This maybe a lil difficult to explain where the baby went
My 3 grandbabies have 2 siblings in a open adoption and they talk to them all the time we have not had any problems yet talk to your child he will understand when the get old only answer what they ask because at his age now it is just the it is. Pm me if you would like to talk to my daughter in law.
I advise you to think about your OWN feelings about this too. I never got this far(adoption) i chose to keep mine i couldnt let him go after he was born. I was already attached. I dont regret this decision at all i just telling you as it may surface for you unexpected. We planned another member of fam to take but i just couldnt. Just an experience i had with this scenario personally(i totally didnt see it coming).Of course you know best. Hugs to you
DONT LIE. Be honest from day 1
Honestly above everything
Call him maybe their God Brother but don’t lie about it! I would discuss with the other parents when they are telling the soon to be baby. Then you do with your child now.
I am a birth mother of an Open adoption! I didn’t have children before my adopted son. But he is about to be 28 in a few weeks. If you have any questions please pm me
I definitely wouldn’t tell him that they’re cousins. That would just really confuse him. I would talk with the other couple and possibly an adoption counselor to try to navigate these ideas. But still be as honest as you can on a level that he can understand.
Hi! I remember my mom being pregnant and she gave birth shortly after my 4th bday and gave him for adoption to an infertile couple. I say that because there is a chance your son will remember.
Be honest. If you were to withhold information he could become resentful. Explain adoption and how beautiful it is and how it will be hard for you but an absolute blessing for the adoptive family. Just be honest. If you plant the seed now it sets a mindset of what is going on. Tell them it is his brother but will be raised as a cousin and how baby’s parents are going to be so happy to have their new little love.
Be honest and tell him now so he knows what to expect. The not knowing creates fear and he will wonder if you will “get rid” of him to. I adopted a baby thru kinship so he is my biokids cousin but he is their brother. We stay in contact with his bio parents. My other kids know the story as they where school age when we got him. So keeping it honest age appropriate it is the best. And let him know you love the baby and are making the best decision for your family.
Don’t lie to him just tell him the truth. I have 3 children by 3 different men. My oldest daughter is 11 and lives with my parents her father was abusive to me. My youngest daughter is 6 and lives with her fathers aunt she adopted him cuz her dad got 12-26 years in jail for trying to kill our neighbor, and I wasn’t able to support a baby on my own. My oldest daughter knows about her sister and they talk all the time. Although the younger one lives in Boston, ma and we live in Pennsylvania they still visit. The aunt doesn’t let me talk to the 6 year old and I just had my first son a year ago, I wish she would let my daughter know she has a younger brother I feel like it’s never good to lie to a child because they’re going to grow up and find out the truth anyway is best to just be 100% truthful up front.
My bio parents though they knew who they were giving me to too. 9 years later I’m finally taken into care for abuse. Adoption sucks and is not 100% honest
Be straight honest with your child! Let them be involved in the birthing process. They are still siblings just not on paper. He will have so many questions when older. We have an older sister we probably will never meet. Regardless of it being closed over 30 yrs. Ago
The truth. Always speak the truth. Age appropriate tho.
Don’t do it. You say you will be involved with the baby through open adoption but there are no laws which guarantee adoptive parents will follow the agreement. Many open adoptions close by age 5. In addition, your kept child may possibly wonder if you were able to give their sibling away, what’s to stop you from giving them away. Most of society has this beautiful visión of adoption as some win-win situation for everyone but adoption is Trauma and loss to a newborn baby. Join Adoption: Facing Realities to be truly informed about your choice. Your baby just needs you.
Ok but how do feel? How are you going to feel when you have to see your child being raised by someone else?? And dont lie, that only makes it worse and be prepared the million questions your child will ask. And just because its an open adoption doesn’t mean the parents will 100% be open. Ive seen it happen!
Praying for yall! I LOVE that its open! That baby is going to be so loved! I applaud you for doing what is best for you and baby! As someone who once had trouble getting pregnant, finally getting a baby was so heartwarming!
I personally would tell him your growing a baby for a mummy and daddy to help them then when at the right age explain because honest is always the right thing to do the truth will always come out in the end and a child needs to be able to trust there parents xx
I would be open and honest from day one. Please don’t lie to him.
There’s plenty of resources and books to help you
I would be open and honest from day one. Please don’t lie to him.
There’s plenty of resources and books to help you
Don’t lie to either of them. It causes so many trust issues and self identity issues later on. Tell him honestly that the baby is his brother and that his brother will be living with (person’s name) but that he is still his brother.
I am adopted and it basically killed me when i found out my biological mom kept my little brother but gave me up… Now that im almost 28 i now know why she did… First met him when i was 17 he was 14
Is the other couple going to be honest to the baby? If not you can’t be honest to your son if you are going to be around the other family
Just be honest, it’s saves alot of heartache in the long run.
You can’t get assistance from your local DHS and churches? I’d be honest to him and just tell him you can’t afford it. You may be close to the people now but they may turn there backs at some point . Make sure all the paperwork is in order but do know you will suffer heavy depression from it.
I think this is a conversation you need to have with the adoptive parents. What do they want? What will you be referred to to him?
First of all I applaud you and am proud of you! Be honest with the child and break it down to where they understand.
Just be totally honest in an age appropriate way. He probably won’t really understand it much at that age but if you’re honest about it now it will be easier to talk about as he gets older. That’s a really hard decision to make and I applaud you for doing what you feel is best for your kids!
Depends how the new parents feel about it. How they will want the relationship to be. Your child should know about blood siblings. Even if raised differently. Speak to the adoptive parents about what kind of relationship they want the kids to have. Respect their choices. Document it all and keep it for future use. For now explain that you are making this baby for them. And how happy you are to be able to help them. Be excited about it when you explain it. It’s a happy thing. Kids are strong and will know if you are untruthful or hiding hurt. Set yourself up to succeed later. Here’s why. This bonus kiddo should never feel you did not want them. If you choose to have kids later they may question why you made the decisions now. And if you set it up as you are making this kiddo for them as a generous gift. No one will have hurt feelings later. But you must include the adoptive parents opinions on this. You don’t want it to bite you later.
I also want to say I’m proud of you. That is a big difficult decision but good for you for doing what YOU feel as best. Don’t let other peoples opinions deter you. It will be hard enough without dealing with others people’s judgment.This is your life, your baby and your choice. I also agree with being honest in an age appropriate way and just answer his questions the best way you can. As he grows up he will be glad you were honest. If you ever need a non-judging friend I’d be glad to listen. Wish you all the best
As a child that was adopted (into my own birth family) PLEASE be honest with EVERYONE from day one!! I did not have a pleasant experience when I found out the truth.
Once you give baby up for adoption you lose your right as parent, and I think it should be up to the couple adopting to decide on what THEY prefer you guys do as they too have to be comfortable on how to handle it with their new baby 
Honesty is always best. No matter what, get everything in writing with the people adopting him. I hope this turns out to be a good thing.
I had my baby in open adoption as well. She’s 10 now and knows I’m her biological mom since she could remember. It made it easier to talk about my situation and hers as well when she asked about it. She’s close to me , calls me mom and Is happy to have two moms, and many many family members. Idk I just feel I got lucky maybe good luck to you.
You should truly ask the adoptive parents what they want first before you make a decision like that.
A girl I knew put her daughter up for adoption and has been. Very involved in her life she knows she’s adopted and she knows her siblings as her siblings it would be best just to tell them the truth
You shouldn’t lie to him that will cause more problems when he’s older…. But I wouldn’t push the subject until the kids start asking questions and then answer just their question age appropriately without extra details
Yes it’s going to hurt your kept child, and it’ll definitely hurt the child your placing for adoption. Please join Adoption ; Facing the realities. What would you need to be able to parent your baby. There is a group called Saving Our Sisters. They help mothers be able to keep their babies. Adoption is trauma, for you, your kept son, and mostly for the adoptee. Please please join that group and read from adult adoptees. I’m begging you to join.
I would be honest. You lie to them they will have a hard time believing you. Maybe say that’s his mommy and you are the birth mom.
Be honest with your son in an age appropriate way. Any adoptive family who doesn’t want their adopted child to know where and who they come from should not be adopting. I see a lot of comments making this decision about the adoptive parents when it should be about the adopted child who will definitely want to know they have biological siblings as I’m sure your son will as well.
Always be honest. They won’t be children forever and will find out the truth and be angry you lied. As an adoptee who had 3 older siblings and later two younger but was raised as an only child I ask you to please let these boys be brothers. I know my family now but there are years we can never get back. 
You are amazing! So proud of you.
My opinion, tell your son the truth (if adopted parents are okay with it.) Kids are a lot more understanding than we give them credit for. He will adapt and it saves him from finding out the truth when he is older.
Discuss this with the parents of the baby. Keep in mind an open adoption doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone so make sure you and the parents have it all laid out before you talk with your son about it so you can answer any and all questions honestly.
I would say you have a baby in your tummy and the other couple will be his/her mommy and daddy. When he gets older, he’ll understand a lot more and he may have feelings about it. But at least you never lied to him.
Tell them when they are old enough to understand. Then be available for questions. Glad you will be in child’s life. I have two adopted cousins and an adopted niece.
I would talk with the adoptive parents and go from there.In my honest opinion,I would be honest right from the start.
I can’t imagine how it will be for the new baby growing up seeing his brother loved by his birth mum but he had to go live with a different mum. No judgement but I imagine that hurts like hell especially if the situation is not handled properly
I don’t have any advice but just hear to say, you sound like an amazing person who is doing something wonderful for someone else when you could have easily taken a different route, I’m sure whatever way you handle the situation you will do it with care !!! Best of luck!
I’ve never been in your circumstances, I just want to say thank you for not wasting this God given life! God bless you and you are so brave!
Can you search for child level books on explaining adoption? I would sit down with the baby’s parents and ask them what kind of open adoption will you have, will your son be allowed to have a relationship with his brother. If they say no then I would bring it age level down… example: “Mommy is growing a baby for someone else’s family.” Then when he’s older and more mature explain more in depth. Good luck!
I am a birth mom myself. I not have a four year old and a six month old.
The fifteen year old and four year old know each other as brothers. It’s something his parents and I discussed prior to introducing them. My four year old understands he has another brother that doesn’t live with us. I’m sure more questions will come later, but for now he gets it.
From someone who is adopted, my parents were honest with me from day one. I’ve always known i was adopted and I respect and appreciate that more than they’ll ever know. Always be honest bc they will always find out the truth and you wouldn’t want resentment when that happens. Kids are resilient and they will understand when they are older. Especially the adoptee, he will never feel he wasn’t wanted since you plan to stay in his life❤️ good luck mama
So put ur 3 year old up for adoption too. Cuz U can’t choose to keep one kid but give away another
I’m sure this is a hard decision for you both but congratulations on doing whats right for your family.
I’ve no advice except always be honest with your children. Discuss it with the adoptive parents and speak up…let them know your feelings. Good luck 
Amazon has tons of books about adoption for little kids. They aren’t expensive you can also get some on Amazon books for free sometimes. I also recommend talking about how families come in so many different forms. When my oldest was 3 we told home how many families don’t look like ours and about the different types he understood and I think it makes him a more loving and understanding person.
So many people telling her not to do it. If she wanted an abortion you guys would tell her choose adoption. If this is what is best for her family than there is nothing bad about her choice. Don’t let some of these comments make you feel bad. If you feel you can keep the baby than do that and if this is what’s going to be best for you and baby than go ahead and help this other family.
As for your question I think it’s best to let your little one know the truth from the beginning 
Please take into consideration what your child is going to find out about being adopted and the trauma your child may have.
I’m adopted, and I’ve known since I was about 5. Be as open and honest as you can be. Kids understand way more than we think. If you make it open and transparent, it will make it easier on both children.
So I’m adopted through closed adoption in the 80s. Obviously it’s the other side of the spectrum but my best advice would be to always be honest about what is happening. If you introduce them as cousins you run the very real risk of him finding out from someone other than you that they are siblings, and that could be detrimental to your relationship with your son. My parents brought me up knowing I was adopted and it was just the norm for me. Have the conversation now, and continue having it as your son understands more, eventually he will come to understand. He may have some big feelings now or later on but that’s ok, just be there for him as he navigates through them. Therapy can be helpful as well.
Tell the truth make it simple
There is a Lot of assistance out there if wanted to keep the baby. WIC,Medicaid, All Kids,Single Parent Assistance,Food Stamps, etc. I’d look into all options and do my best to keep a biological child. I’m a surrogate and it has been hard trying to make my 7 year old understand that the baby im carrying is not biologically ours and will not be coming home from the hospital. My 3 year old doesnt really seem to care though. But…if you still want to give him up for adoption after reviewing all options first,then id make sure the intended parents are fine with you both seeing this kid often. My SIL gave a kid up for adoption and sent gifts, visited,etc after for 5 years…open adoption…then the new parents cut off her communication with the kid. You have to realize…once you sign that kid over,the new parents could change tbeir minds later on and cut you and your son off from seeing this child. He will legally be theirs,as if they gave birth to him once papers are signed. Have some deep talks with the new parents as well before decide. They may want you to be around as an aunt and cousin…not for the child to know he was adopted and your kid is the biological sibling.
I don’t know that I have any advice but here to say thank you! What a beautiful gift you are about to give. Agree with going forward with as much honesty as you can while being tender with his feelings at a young age
I have a cousin who went through a similar situation. Her sister adopted her son and when she was his aunt for the longest. I believe when he was around 10 they told him the truth and he took it okay and was super excited that his favorite aunt was actually his mom. Hope everything works as good if not better for you guys. I believe honesty is the best policy, especially when it comes from a place of love. It’s beautiful what you’re doing and I know from personal experience it’s not easy. I gave up a child for adoption, it was an open adoption but not with a family member or friend. I have met her as an adult and was kept abreast of all her milestones throughout her life. I have no regrets, her family has given her opportunities I never would have been able to give her.
Talk about it often and tell him you are having a baby for another family make it a normal conversation in your home so when it happens he is not confused
Honesty is always best. We were unable to have kids on our own but were blessed enough to adopt at 2 yes old. We told her about her adoption early bc we wanted it to be common knowledge. It’s been easier as she’s gotten older.
Tell the truth to your child. I don’t support adoption or abortion. It’s wrong to separate siblings for any reason.
I’ve learned that young kids adapt to their lives very well.
Maybe from the start, when y’all visit the baby, tell your son that this is his baby brother and he lives with his new mommy and daddy. That they adopted him. That way you never lie to him and he knows from the very beginning that his family is unconventional and that’s perfectly acceptable. When he’s older and asks why, then you explain why you gave him up. He will take that news easier having already knowing about the adoption.
Make sure this really is the right choice for you. Most open adoptions don’t stay open. There’s no laws that protect you down the line if the adopting parents want to close the adoption.
Also they’ll be the parents and this would be a big choice of theirs if they want their child to know about you being the birth parent and having an older brother. I’d suggest you all sit down and discuss what your rolls will be in their child’s life.
You know the adopting parents now. But you don’t know what they’ll be like down the line when they have the baby. People change and they may not like the situation.
You need to think about how you will feel about someone else raising the baby and you not getting an input like a parent would. As you will not be the parent.
Trying to give a baby a better life is selfless but you need to think of the what ifs and about everyone’s mental health
Talk to the family adopting the baby. If they are ok with the little one knowing he’s adopted and has a brother tell him. Otherwise it could be cousin, family friend, w.e.
Please ignore the people on this thread with shaming and selfish comments. It’s not about them, this is about you. If I were in your shoes, I would tell my other child the truth. Figure, the kids won’t be kids forever and eventually the truth will come out, it always does.
Hes so young i would just explain as best you can maybe say your having a baby for a couple who cant but he will be as a cousin of sorts. Hes so young he might not really understand
I just wanna say its a beautiful thing to give someone a baby 
also I know how hard this must be 
and happy you chose life and not to abort 
maybe find and adoption page or ask help at adoption agency to see what might help you decide how to explain to your young 
3 yrs is young. So i think another talk when older will be needed.
Don’t lie to your child … he needs to know he has a sibling out there
I don’t have much to say about what’s easier with explaining except make sure you do have open communication with the parents adopting cause you don’t wanna over step once papers are signed but I will be one of the odd ones out and say it’s a brave act your doing and to understand you don’t wanna bring another kid into the situation your in now as your trying to give your 3 year old the best life possible and it’s not selfish to do adoption speaking you said you were taking precautions by birth control and sometimes things like this happen people are always quick to judge situations there not in and assume you didn’t take time to think about it and if you went with abortion or even kept this child and weren’t able to afford the cost no one on the internet would be handing you money to keep going and people would have things to say no matter what so you keep doing what’s best for you and it sounds like your doing the best for your second child giving them to a family who is gonna love them as much as a biological family would good luck with everything your doing
Whatever you do, get your tubes tied or burn or glue or other irreversible method.
Please contact Saving Our Sisters if even a sliver of you wants to keep this baby. Open adoption is a scam. There’s NO legal protections to keep you in contact with your baby. They can, and often do keep in contact for a few months, then just disappear with your baby. It doesn’t always happen of course, and I hope it won’t happen to you. It happens often enough to not be a rare incident though. Please don’t give up this baby if any part of you wants it. You’ll regret it for the rest of your life I promise.
Do not lie to your child…
One of my siblings was adopted by my mom’s cousin. I knew my brother and we would see each other every weekend growing up at our grandma’s. They did keep the identity of our mom kind of quiet and he was introduced to the rest of family according to what his adoptive parents choose. It never effected us differently growing up with him being adopted. I personally am really glad I knew all my siblings growing up despite them all being adopted out or in foster care. I pthink the more honest you are while he is younger will really help.
You should be truthful to your son. It’s harder to correct a lie.
You should talk to the family first.
I cant speak as a mother who relinquished but I can let you know how your relinquished child might feel. First i would like to say I can understand and can wrap my head around my mothers choice to relinquish just me but I don’t believe I will ever be able to wrap my heart around it.
For myself as an adoptee with kept siblings and only one relinquished is very painful. Growing up my nfam or apars never guessed I ever even thought about adoption or being adopted. I smiled, laughed, played. But I did think about it a LOT. But who can you tell? You can’t tell your Apar for fear of hurting them. You can’t tell your natural family for fear of hurting them. So some of us go along with the pretend family role play which is adoption. For myself its was feelings of hurt, guilt, shame, abandonment, rejection, bitter, worthless, frustration, jealousy and confusion and knowing she had to love me at least a pinch less or she would have parent myself like the others.
Being the “ONE” has also affected my well being, self confidence and self value. As I had children of my own it really begin to sink in as to what being the one given up really meant about me and too me. I’ve come to accept it for what it is, and know that my siblings have every right to the life they’ve lived with OUR family I just wish that they would have given me that same chance.
Adoption can be a hard lesson for your kept children also. They learn the tragic but sometimes necessary truth that OUR mothers/fathers CAN and DO give us up to total strangers. My oldest sister says she was scared and very confused by the comments saying I was given up out of love, for a better life. So while the kept wondered why they didn’t also deserve more love and better, I always wondered why I didn’t measure up to my own true families struggle. They thought I was loved more, I of course knew it had to be less.
Please what ever you do hear ALL sides. Research adoption loss, adoption trauma, how does it feels to be adopted, the increased suicide rates for mothers and children of adoption loss. If you have even the slightest reservation about giving up your baby don’t do it. Nothing says you can’t try to parent then place if you must. You are already a mother. Just stay focused on ALL of your children and creating a stable future for yourself and them.
I love my mother and she says she loves me, but adoption changes who we ALL are forever. Adoptees may have no choice but to learn to live without our mothers, but at birth SHE is our universe. I pray you find a way to parent and if not I pray you and ALL your children find peace.
I think the truth will come out eventually so you should probably just tell him. He may not understand right now but later on.
Don’t lie to your son. Tell him it’s his brother but when the time comes, you can explain to him why his brother is living somewhere else
There’s programs to get into to help you out getting baby stuff and all. I got pregnant with my daughter unexpectedly and we weren’t financially ready at all as we were living paycheck to paycheck and sometimes would run out of money before he got paid but I got into these programs and stuff and they helped sooo much!! Plus not only that our friends and family was a big help to giving us what they had because they know accidents happen. Just something for you to think about
I suggest watching Raising Cultures, God bless
Bless your heart
Giving a baby to a family who wants it and not just aborting because you can’t financially afford it is amazing and so selfless.
Talk to the adoptive parents, you seem close they should be more than willing to have that conversation with you!
I see poor people raise kids everyday
They will feel betrayed. There is no way around that. The new baby will feel like you lived the first kid more because you kept him. Thats just they way of things and there is nothing you can do about it. I admire your strength though. I just don’t think it will be easy on either kid.
First, I want to say you are a hero. What a hard decision to make. I can’t imagine how you have wrestled with it all. I think that you would really benefit from a family therapist that specializes in systems therapy. Since you will be wading into waters that not many have walked through, there will be a lot to consider. Systems therapy considers all the Microsystems and how they interact to affect the individual (in this case, your 3 year old). Don’t take advice from strangers. We all have our own perspective and wounds and family dynamics. You need a professional who can help you navigate it from the perspective of your child. You are an amazing human. 
Don’t lie to the kid. It’ll hurt in the long run if kiddo finds out the truth on his own or however he finds out. They are not cousins. They are siblings. Tell the truth. He may not understand now but he will later. Also, time for a stronger method of birth control as to not have this incident again happen. Bad enough as it is you’re carrying his sibling in front of him for 9 months and then giving sibling away to another family because you can’t handle both kids and keep siblings and family together. 1st kid if you lie will feel betrayed. Your other kid you’re giving up for adoption may grow up resenting you for choosing 1 kid over the other. But talk to the other family as well. You have to think of all situations that may arise. It will hurt both children and both children will have their thoughts and feelings. But it is never okay to lie. Again. They are siblings and blood. Not cousins.
You should NEVER lie to your children. Be honest from the very beginning.