My almost ex-husband is causing problems and acting unbalanced. How do I communicate to keep from getting sucked in to his narcissistic power trips? I’m limiting it to strictly texting at this time but he’s still being rude and disrespectful. Backstory: We’ve been separated since November and he hasn’t stuck to the agreed upon visitation scheduled at all. Any time I express concerns with lack of structure for our 15 month old son, he insults me and cussed at me. The last time he had him (which is only the second time he has actually left my house with him), he brought him home an hour after my son’s bedtime with no bath and only fed him ONE chicken nugget for dinner. rAny requests, such as having him home at a certain time, are met with rude and insulting rants about how I’m making things difficult on purpose to keep him from seeing his son which I have NEVER done.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to talk with a narcissist?
There is no speaking to a narcissist……
You can’t. Nothing you say will ever be right or good enough. What you need is a custody order. I’ve taken up ignoring most of what my ex says because there is no point in replying.
I just ignored the rude and disrespecting & killed my ex with kindness because they dig for a reaction and a fight… it eased up after a few months because he wasn’t getting what he wanted . I also limited conversations as much as possible and only talked if it had to do with children .
It’s next to impossible. I feel for you. It’s never easy…they gaslight and their never wrong. As little communication as possible is best.
You can’t. Sounds like you need to get full custody and call it done.
If you don’t have a court ordered agreement you need to get one asap. You need to talk to a lawyer now (most do consults for free.) document everything and record everything. There is no co-parenting with a narcissist, only counter parenting.
You literally just can’t have normal conversation with someone like that.
Do you have court ordered visitation set? If not, that’s something I would consider.
Document Everything!!! Lord document!! My ex husband is the same but add an alcoholic with ptsd and mental issues it’s bad but I documented everything because he turned around and filed for full custody and got nothing lol
There is no cure for narcissistic people ! I would get into court and make sure you document everything ! Times and dates ,condition of the child when he brings him home ext…
You can’t reason with them. Block him and don’t speak to him unless you have to go through courts. Sounds like you shouldn’t be sending your son with him either. Get a lawyer if you can and let them do the talking.
Only respond directly about child. Do not go into anything else with him. Shut down if he does this. Be firm in letting him know you won’t tolerate being spoken to that way and then say nothing else. Do not interact. He gets off on you getting upset and angry. Do not engage.
Limit texts to be straight and to the point about the child. That’s it
Also this will help down the road. If he is showing signs of being unstable nd out of control or angry this helps you in court.
you speak directly through the courts or a mediator￼, If you are truly worried￼ about the well being of the baby The courts will grant the baby a lawyer , who will not work for you or the father But solely for the baby’s behalf. Petition for supervised visitation￼. If you don’t pursue these things legally then in my humble opinion you’re not as much concerned ￼about the baby’s welfare but angry at the father.
Go to court and only speak to him through the parenting app set up by the courts. That way he can’t lie his way out of any situation. Stop responding to regular texts after that. Get a custody agreement in place that say what time he will be picked up or dropped off. If I were you to avoid conflict ask the courts to set pick up and drop off times at the police station.that way there is an officer present to document his behavior, words, as well as his tardiness.
Document everything. Forever. Best advice I ever received!!!
Court ordered visitation schedule, documented breeches of this order and a court mediator.
You do not respond to any insults, or any communication not regarding your daughter. There are also apps that have your entire conversations recorded with the court like “Our Family Wizard”. Set your boundaries and stick to them strictly. Also if he refuses to co parent or see his child, DO NOT force it. Let him lose every bit of his time if that’s his choice.
yes you need to go to family court or at least a legal person for advice. Dont be trying to reason with an arsehole…its never going to end well.The mere fact you respond to his texts and reply etc …he has power over you.You need to toughen up for your sons sake.l wouldnt let my child go anywhere with him if he did not feed him! …he sounds dangerous actually. Read between the lines…did he sit there eating the rest of the food while you child went without? theres more to this story …he may have a cruel streak thats what lm sensing …Please seek legal advice
You can not communicate in any way with them, there is need for you to waste your time any more then you already have.
You are only in control of yourself and your reactions. He can chose to do whatever he wants.
Take photos, write down times, screen shot conversations. Put it all in a binder. Have a lawyer lined up and prepare yourself for court
You can’t speak with a narcissist, ever. I would speak with a lawyer and I would have police pick up and drop off involved so agreed times are followed. Also why is only fed one nugget, I know some kids don’t eat alot but withholding food is abuse.
You can’t control what he does with your child on his time. If things are that concerning, then don’t start visits until there’s a court order. FYI, the courts don’t care what time you put your child to bed. They ordered visits to end past our kids bedtimes because it was more convenient for their dad. Also, maybe that’s all your child wanted to eat, and maybe dad doesn’t have a steady place to live. Things are going to be tough at the Beginning. They always are.
If you’d like to PM me, I can add you to a few private groups I’m in with hundreds/thousands of other women in our situation. They have really really helped me!
Put the standard out there, for your son’s care and visitation. If he’s not doing it, document and go back to court to alter your agreement. No discussion, no talk. Just do what you have to and walk away.
And start using the app called AppClose. You both need an account. He can send support through it, your chats can’t be deleted or changed and there’s calendars you can use.
You can’t! Go through the court for everything. Document it all. Don’t let them think they have won. Stand your ground no matter how much they gaslight you. Good luck
You mention him being you ex husband but is he really? Because that would be a quick divorce and if legally divorced then there would be a court ordered custody agreement. File a police report on him every time he breaks it. That includes the child not being home on time. If yall aren’t legally divorced, then stop communicating & allowing him to take the child if he isn’t hygenically caring for your son or feeding him properly. Get a court order immediately. And my ex was a narcissist. I end convos as soon as he disrespects me & it makes him so mad. I won’t feed into it. So over the years he’s realized it is no use trying to manipulate me.
Document and grey rock him
My narcissistic ex doesn’t even have my real phone number. After years of abuse I took away any way for him to even have access to me. I have a phone dedicated to just communications with him as we have a child together. I did wind up moving half way across the country and that was one of the best things I ever did. There’s no talking to them. They take accountability for nothing. You are on the right track with only texting. Don’t let his words get to you, he projecting what’s wrong with him onto you. Accusations from a narcissist are really confessions. Remember that. Go to the courts. Get a lawyer. Keep those boundaries up.
You will never reason with a narcissist unfortunately. Court orders all the way and document all concerns, screen shot all messages
Talk with your attorney and see what can be done. Let him know all your concerns.
You can’t. Let the court do it. Then If he doesn’t follow those papers, he’s in contempt.
Only communicate through your lawyers and just show up for pick up and drop off at times that you are supposed to don’t do anything extra
Just stop communication.
There is no reasoning with a narcissist. Limit your answers to yes or no when possible. Limit contact as much as possible. Make sure you have a court order. Court ordered visits are enforceable and also if he fails to pick up when supposed to repeatedly you can ask that it be modified and also ask for a show cause on WHY he isn’t holding up his end. If he wants to talk to you there is a app courts use. Use that app to have him text you through regarding parenting time and all that (courts monitor the messages and can be used as proof in court if need be) ONLY respond in court app and ONLY in regards to child.
Start keeping any text he sends that he cussess you in but first of all get you a lawyer file for full custody keep this child away from a verbal agreement between the two of you is like pissing into the wind i know been fone that .
There is no way to convince a narcissist that they are wrong about anything-ever. That being said, keep in mind that he can’t and won’t stop the behavior-even with your child. And you won’t be there to protect your child. Document, record and make sure it is mentioned in the divorce process. Good luck
Seek supervised visitations
Whatever you do when YOU are texting be polite do not stoop to his level because a judge will ask to see the conversations between y’all.
Document everything for the custody agreement. Ignore his anger. It’s aimed at you because you’re a convenient target. It has nothing to go with you.
You need to download parent Portal onto your phone and restrict all communication to the business of divorce and the custody of the children and care of the children. Parent portal can then be used as a certified court document in case any hearings are needed. Do not communicate with him on personal text phone or regular email at all and do not communicate with him about anything other than the business of separating the property and caring for the children
Block him get an attorney.
Don’t communicate. It’s always a manipulation, once they see your guard is down, that is their chance
you dont they think they always right n ur always wrong but id document every thing n take Nadia and Jillian advice
Girl good luck with that. Going on 3 yrs after breaking it off with my ex narcissist and he STILL gives us problems with inconsistency, never lets me know a time, barely feeds em, and has his gf do most of the parenting stuff when kids r there. I’ve tried court ordered and he didnt even stick to that. We r now only on a text basis because he always wants to scream and yell over me so I keep it vague and thru text. Narcissists dont like boundaries against them. We r now meeting at police station WHEN he decides he wants to play parent just cuz he always tries to start fights with me and my bf, and my bf has never done ANYTHING to him. Starting bringing the bf cuz he recently punched me after me confronting him about abusing his gf in front of kids when they r there. And since I brought THAT up, he said I was being disrespectful and punched me in the eye. Narcissists dont give af bout anyone bit themselves. Seriously good luck. I hope y’all figure out a plan that works for y’all. And document everything*
I’ll pray for your situation.
Get a court order with set visitation schedule from judge
You don’t get to make the rules or controll for his home different parents have different rules and styles so because bed time is a certain time at your home does not mean it is in his . I mean it’s narcissistic to expect him to do everything the same way or how you want it also.
Document everything Via email ! I was in the same situation. I started each email that I will not condone or tolerate rude abusive behaviour. Make sure you outline your concerns like above in emails and that way if ever needed you have good documentation in your favour . Always keep your words polite and to the point
Court ordered visitations. With direct rules for people parents who can’t act right. I’m almost there with mine as well. Brought my 3 year old daughter back home at 1am last night. She had to wake up at 7 for school.
Stop talking to him. If he cares enough to see the kid he will take u to court for visitation.Also file for child support.Call child support services.
You can’t talk to a narcissist. You can’t reason with them at all. Only communicate through lawyers. Be where you are supposed to be for picking up and dropping off your son. Don’t offer or volunteer anything else. Screen shot all texts. Don’t take phone calls. Only texts. Document every time he’s late bringing your son back, every time there’s no bath, no meal, every time your son seems upset after the visit. Get to court as soon as you can. Get your lawyer to ask for the most structured visitation he can get. Your son is still very young. But don’t allow yourself to be drawn into conversation with him, don’t let his insults and ranting get to you. Answer yes, no, or speak to my attorney. That’s it. And good luck.
Court. You need a parenting plan on paper.
Document everything! Record every time you meet to hand over your son. Keep as much data as you can.
It’s a huge possibility that you will need it later.
Document everything for when you go to court.
YOU pick your son up at the designated time at the end of his visitation. Don’t go alone. You will never have control over a narcissist. They’re savvy manipulators. Assume the role of the drop off AND pick up parent. When you communicate - do everything via email or text so you have a record of it. Keep it short, sweet and to the point. Don’t acknowledge his attempts to redirect the topic at hand. Stay focused.
Good luck. You can’t reason with that person
You need to document everything for a custody case and you seriously need to tell them that he doesn’t need to go with him anymore unless he’s having the guardian present to make sure that he’s taking proper care of a 15 month old
Document everything. Only communicate via text so there’s a record. Go to court and get a set visitation schedule.
There’s literally no way to talk to them without it taking an emotional toll on you. Make the courts force his hand
It has to be in the divorce decree. Listed under parenting time. Do yourself a favor and have it also state that you only have to wait for 15 minutes unless previously agreed on. And when I say agreed on. It can’t be him just sending a text saying something. It has to be agreed on. I’ve had to sit in the car in the middle of winter (at exchange location) for hours. And when I finally left. The police were waiting in my driveway saying I was reported for not letting him have his parenting time. In other words he sat and watched for me to leave and called the cops. He then brought it up in court that he has police reports showing I was refusing parenting time. I had to argue that no it was him making a false call to the police. If you read the report it will state that I waited at the agreed time. I got smart after a bit and he was required to do all the driving and not allowed to be in my driveway more than 15 minutes before and 15 minutes after agreed time. And not allowed to get out of the car, other then to buckle kiddo in. The times were in the parenting time schedule. Every modification that you want. Write out a reason why.
Incase he tries to fight it. Police can and will enforce it. If it’s in writing. Good luck coming from someone with 48 modifications in their decree (I only brought him to court once and that was to divorce him)
Also. Do not let him have every weekend. My judge was going to give my ex every weekend and I responded. Why can’t I have any fun time away from school. And put that Sunday’s your kiddo needs to be home by 2:00. Because there will be homework. And there will be laundry and bathing that needs to be done. I know school is a bit out. But If you don’t do it now. You will need to go back to court to do it again. Also have it state that he cannot take your kiddo from school and daycare without you first contacting them. Have it in the decree. Narcissists are the worse and will continue until bored with it. It’s been since 2010 for me. And I’m still carrying my decree around with me. So the police have it in writing when he calls the cops on me.
Document everything. If and when you go back for reducing his time. You will have documentation with dates to show why.
Don’t communicate at all until he sorts his sh*t out, I’ve got one the exact same! You can’t even speak to him and when you do he thinks that’s him back in and thinks also that he can decide and make rules(which he has been in and out of for the last 2 years so doesn’t have the right to make any sort of rules regarding our son) believe me they never change!! There isn’t any sort of way you can talk to men like that! They are always going to think they are right and your always in the wrong!
Hurry up and class him as your ex husband. That’s what he deserves to be. 15 months old? I’m not sure he would be getting to take my son off with him. Are you getting a divorce from this maniac? When? Get yourself divorced from him as quick as possible , then go strictly by your divorce papers. No more, no less. Don’t deal with him at all.
If no court order just don’t send him and don’t talk to him and file for full custody
Document document document. Get a notebook and keep track of these things. Get a Guardian Ad Litum and an attorney and seek supervised visitations until dad prooves to be more eesponsible.
l get paid over $125 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $31712 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
Details HERE… https://onlinehomejobbiz24.neocities.org/
My ex husband is a narcissit. I actually started going to counseling to help me find ways to deal with him. Make sure you are documenting EVERYTHING. And make sure you get everything legally done on paperwork. Only focus on what you can control, and take steps to protect yourself and your child.
Document, ALL problems
You need to file a formal custody’s arrangement and your lawyer should bring up the concerns about feeding him properly. One nugget is not proper nutrition. Keep any conversations to needed information about the child. Ignore and document anything else. He gets to have separate rules for the child on his time. Unless it’s a true safety realize that he’s going to to use the child as a way to hurt you. It’s his only tool now.
I know my opinion is going to be unpopular here, but he’s the dad. You obviously trust him with your son, or you wouldn’t let your son go with him. He’s not going to parent like you do … he’s not going to have the same priorities as you, other than keeping your son safe. If you feel that he doesn’t have your son’s best interests in mind, then you need to contact your attorney to change the visitations … either to no visitations, or supervised visitations. But there needs to be valid reasoning behind it.
It’s difficult on a child to live in one situation, then go visit another situation without the primary care parent. It’s confusing for them. If it’s a consistent schedule, over time they will adjust, but it can cause them to not want to eat or keep the same sleeping habits.
Your son’s dad is going to be part of your son’s life, therefore, part of your life. The best you can do is try to be civil, and keep in mind what’s best for the child. If you, as the primary care giver, are uneasy around the dad, then your son will be uneasy around the dad. If the dad is making the effort to be a dad, then the two of you need to work out the details to make that happen. You are adults. You are both responsible for the care and well being of your child. Even if your relationship didn’t work, you both need to make every effort to keep a positive relationship regarding the child.
Get a lawyer & go back to court. Mention the neglect & non-compliance. Work with your lawyer/mediator & him to create a very specific, clear parenting plan. Outline a schedule, first right of approval, etc. Lay out your expectations & allow him to lay out his. Be as specific as possible so you both know what is expected & consequences if it’s not followed. Keep a journal of every interaction, keep all communication via text or recorded conservation. Be prepared to take him back to court when he breaks the rules.
Go through the courts. Establish custody, visitation and child support through the court system.
Establish SPECIFIC days and times that each parent has the child. Include who is picking up/dropping off and specific times and meeting spots. Also make sure to include a holiday schedule as well.
Cover all your bases and be extremely detailed. You can’t TALK to a narcissist because no matter what you say or do, it will ALWAYS be your fault.
So, get a set schedule, in writing, through the courts. Include days, times, pick up/drop off, holidays and I would also include in there that 1, each parent is responsible for supplying the needs of the child when in their care (diapers, wipes, meals, clothes, toys etc) 2, each parent is expected to feed and bath the child when in their care.
I know this should be common sense stuff when caring for a child, but if he is a narcissist, he will 100% try to run you over and blame everything on you.
Once all that is established, you keep track and document EVERYTHING. Every time your son comes home dirty or hungry. Every late pick up/drop off, every excuse and every missed visit. Then you take him back to court for a modification. I’m not saying that being a narcissist means you don’t love your child, but narcissistic people tend to use their children in an attempt to keep control over the other parent.
Remember, where you are, what you’re doing, who you’re with, is NONE of his business. I would cut communication to ONLY about the child. It’ll help you keep your sanity.
Lawyer and court. End of story.
If there are times set in the agreement then that has to be followed as well as saying he needs to be fed meals and bathed in his care. Be VERY specific about these details in the court papers. If he can’t follow them take him back to court for contempt. Your son doesn’t say safe or taken care of in his care.
You cant talk to a narcissist .
If you have a court order…get back to court and get it changed.
If you don’t…dont let this man anywhere near your child till his attitude changes. He obviously is not a responsible person to be in charge of a baby
Honest answer if cannot stick to all about child, Its going to court. They don’t co parent they do the opposite. But with him having visitation I’m assuming he’s no danger?
Use the app talking parents. It will document every communication. You can upload pics, receipts, has a calendar you can put times of appts or drop offs needed, you can track all that has to do with co parenting. It is also recognized by courts as legal documents for custody disputes. It’s part of our court order.
l get paid over $125 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $12427 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
Details HERE… https://onlinehomejobbiz27.neocities.org/
DOCUMENT everything…conversations, save texts, pick up and drop off times…etc. also tell him, I’m not your wife anymore and you will not talk down to me or I will no longer answer or reply to your messages. Give respect to receive respect. If he is not feeding, giving baths and it returning on court schedule times, judge will not be impressed. If he brings home late, then allow him to pick him up late. Your late 1 hr…you pick him up one hour later on receiving. Drop off 2 hrs late, receive 2 hrs late…etc. see how that works for him then.
Don’t let him have your son until you go through the courts. He decides he doesn’t want to give him back then you’re S.O.L. take care of your son, document everything, only use text, get a lawyer, and ignore anything he says except if it concerns court date details.
Brittany has the same idea as I do .
my ex would send text after text, days on end filled with abuse. it was literally effecting my moods, my time with my son, our home life. even though we left, i felt like he was still here. i ended up getting a non molestation order that stated he was only allowed to contact me about child contact arrangements and nothing more. if he did contact me about anything other than that then i was to report it to non emergency police and log it. it had the power of arrest attached also. of course he breached the order many times, and was arrested every time. i also got a child residency order that stated he lived with me, that way his dad couldn’t take him and not bring him back.
He does not need to have this child at all you need to get full custody of him
You are lucky to be out of the situation your self thank God every day
One Moms Battle is a great resource. Also look up grey and yellow rock
Get a court order for visitation if you don’t have one. Keep a journal of every interaction.
Grey rock every conversation.
And sadly, unless it’s endangering the child, you can’t control what he does with your son. Not having a bath daily isn’t going to hurt him and you can’t force feed a kid. (Kid may be not eating for a variety of reasons)
don’t let him go anymore and go to court
Of course it’s all your fault that he clearly isn’t capable of being a responsible dad.
Did you expect any other outcome?
Cut him out of your life.
You cant talk to a narcissist
you cannot reason with a narcissist. If he doesn’t want to see your child, he isn’t going to. Narcissists think only of themselves, and their wants, nobody else. Not even their children. They do however, like to make themselves look good for others. Handle it in court, court ordered child support via garnishment of wages, and don’t force the issue about him taking for visitation. The court cannot, and will not-force visitation. The only thing the court will do is establish what’s allowable for visitation.
File for a modification in the parenting time agreement you have with the courts
Talk to your lawyer. He has an obligation to take care of your son while in his care. And he has an obligation to follow a court order so if he’s supposed to be back home at a certain time, then he has to do it or he is in violation. Seriously, keep everything via text so you have proof and work with the lawyer. It’s the only way to enforce anything. Unfortunately it gets expensive but is what’s best for child
"I would be happy to discuss your feelings on this, when you are calm,however, I will not respond to any insulting or rudeness. When you are calm and able to discuss things I am ready. "
This is called a boundary and this particular type of personality disorder HATES a boundary. But the important part is to show your willingness to communicate, but not to be disrespected.
Your boundary is for YOU not for him. Stick to it. Don’t let up. He will resort to hurtful things to say in order to get you to respond. Dont do it. Until you get the type of response you require…calm…mature communication. Do not reward bad behavior with a response. Just like children.
Don’t even worry about the communication With him at this point. U need to get documentation, take pics of how the baby looks before and after, if u can get videos that’s even better.
Document it and file a modification with the court
Then make it difficult. Take his ass to court and get it in writing. You wanna play hardball, buddy, let’s play hardball. Hes saying you’re difficult because you don’t just let him do whatever he wants. If you get a court order and document every time he doesn’t follow it, then he can be found in contempt and thrown in jail.
Do not react …period… get things lined out in court…and even though it sucks…feed and bathe and don’t mention it…that is what he is looking for… he is looking for the fight.
Do it through the courts
Document every single thing … With dates and times and photos, and copies of your texts. The courts can do more to help you sort out the finer details, with a consistent pattern of evidence of his treatment of your child, and his communication with you.
He cooked one singular chicken nugget?