How to work through parenting with an alcoholic ex?

So I’ve been divorced for going on SIX years from an alcoholic . We have two children together. A son 7 & daughter 6. Coparenting has been HELL from day one.

My ex husband is in his 30’s and is the type of immature guy who prefers drinking , his friends, and toys more than parenting. Up until the most recent girlfriend he’s never exercised his summer visitation and was never big on making our kids go on every court ordered visitation. Over the years my ex has been arrested multiple times on domestic violence. Once with me and then on to other girlfriends through the past six years. Beer is usually ALWAYS the the main factor. He has already been arrested for DUI with our youngest son an has had visitation supervised only for one year…

He was arrested most recently this past April for DV but wasn’t charged due to her dropping the charges as has been the case almost every time. He’s been arrested a few other times since being off an on with what is a clearly toxic relationship with his current girlfriend. So this past June & July he is court ordered 2 week visitation for both months. He has NEVER wanted it before but I let my kids go. Our son was a boy who in the past absolutely worshiped his dad and always wanted to go there. I had noticed the last few times he wasn’t to thrilled on going and when he came back from two weeks he would almost daily ask how long before the next visitation of two solid weeks in July… and he would just cry every time I told him how close the time was … the night before my ex called an he upset the kids and when they hung up I asked my son why he didn’t want to go what was wrong… now in the past he would spank them or tell them if they told me anything that goes on they’d be in trouble… so my son made me promise not to tell his dad… both children started telling me how their dad drinks an drives with them . Giving specific times when it’s happened. How he’s picked them up on weekend visits and a beer be open in his truck as they get in etc. said that the girlfriend is in the passenger seat drinking as well. Told me they were left with the girlfriend while he worked and she made them stay outside from after breakfast until right before their dad got home from work… so almost 8 hours. They explained out they had to use the bathroom out side and drink hot water from a water spigot because she would not allow them to come in even for cold water while her daughter 13 years old got to stay inside. They said it would get very hot so they would just find somewhere close to shade. They informed me that she drank all during the day and when they looked in windows she would just be laying on the couch on her phone… my 7 year old son told me he loved his dad and he wanted to see him but begged me to please not make them go back until his dad stopped drinking and until things were made where they didn’t have to be left alone with his girlfriend due to how she treated them. I knew if I didn’t make them go I’d be in contempt. But I also didn’t want to allow my kids to go knowing he drinks and drives with them and what they are going through there and something happen . I refused to let them go and filed paperwork and dhr was involved. Of course when they go out they knew they were coming no one was drinking and theirs no proof of my kids stories even though he has the record to back up what they said… we are awaiting court and his lawyer has filed both criminal and civil contempt charges… And said it’s all hearsay abs I’m just trying to get at their dad an cause him hardship.
I attempted to reach out to him an ask that we as adults together with our children sit down and let them talk to him an express how they feel and what their concerns are because a 7 year old little boy who is Having to ask his mom to get his dad help with drinking before making him go back should be able to communicate his feelings to his father an he should listen. His response is they are stretching the truth an lying. That they are young an can’t dictate weather they want to come or not… that he will not sit down an talk with me but he will them if he can pick them up. They’ve refused to talk to him alone at the fear of getting in trouble. I thought in the beginning I was doing the right thing… but I don’t wanna drag them through court . What do I do? If I go to jail on contempt how will that look? How will that affect my kids? I’m their mother. I want to keep them safe! I want to make sure emotionally they are okay!l and that I’m listening an trying but will a judge see it that way. Or will I look like a bitter ex wife like his lawyer is trying to make me look?
He is asking that I go to jail and that he get extra visits to make up for what I’ve not allowed him to get which has been since June 20th weekend. I have offered multiple times to meet an allow him visits with them but he refused. He’s a very minimal dad. One ball game a season, no practices, school functions or doctors appointments. Doesn’t call often and doesn’t help buy anything . He pays child support when he wants… and I’ve never denied visitation before…

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File a report with the police and have your children make statements. You need a paper trail, then file for an emergency custody hearing and bring the police report with you. The courts will Likely assign the children a lawyer of their own and they can tell their lawyer what’s going on and they will advocate for them as well. This is a serious issue because if anything happens to the kids they will ask you if you knew anything about it and why you didn’t step up and say something.

Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to work through parenting with an alcoholic ex?

The only thing I can advice is give your son a phone. Only for him to know and use for emergencies.
Next time his dad is drunk and driving to call the cops. Or left with the gf in those conditions to call the cops. Only then will they take this seriously.

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Document everything! Only communicate through text or email.

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Your job as a mother is to protect your children. Document everything in writing email or text. He is doing a good job of sinking himself a DV arrest in April. I would file for an emergency protective order and have them alcohol and drug screened random. Supervised visits.

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Call CPS, get a case going against him. If it were me, my kids would never ever go back. I was in a similar situation many years ago. The police won’t force the kids out of your home and into his car - ever. Go back to court and have the visitations changed to supervised visits only with dad. If you can’t afford a lawyer, go to the court house and ask for legal aid. Some law schools have family advocacy clinics as well, where they offer free representation for low income families in situations where kids are in danger. I’m sorry you and your beautiful babies are going through this. Don’t give in. Child support and parenting time do not go hand in hand - meaning just because he pays support does not mean that he’s guaranteed visitation when the children are endangered in his care. Protect those babies at all costs. :pleading_face:

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If your son is in the car when his dad is drunk can lead to an accident. You knew how he is and still let him go. I would not put my kids through that. It’s tearing them up emotionally and psychologically. Plus it’s educating about alcoholism. Which you don’t want at such a young age. Drag your kids through court if you have to but keep them safe from harm. You will also get in trouble if you allow something like this because you knew about it

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Ask for an amicus they will be the ones to represent your kids and call cps.

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You know this. Lawyer up. Those kids are more important than a snot-nosed little drunk. How about supervised visits, with an officer of the court? No overnights. No girlfriend ( abusive)…

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You know he actively drinks and drives with your children. Why are you even asking complete strangers… DO NOT LET YOUR CHILDREN GO WITH HIM. HES PUTTING THEIR LIFE IN DANGER…

Who care if you have to drag him through court, your kids should be worth protecting even against another toxic parent.

Also document everything!!

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Document everything, try to communicate through text and emails. Record phone conversations. Put some kind of long lasting recording device on your son. That way you can catch conversations with your kids, gf, and the ex. The recording device will be able to document so much of what’s taking place in their home, proof how long they’re being made to stay outside, conversations of the abuse threats. Give your son a toy to take to his Dad’s that has the recording device inside like a stuffy or something. You can find a small very high quality recorder on Amazon. If he is drunk in the car or has open beer in car call the cops when they come to pick up the kids.

I do like the phone idea, but the Dad would probably just take it away. A toy he wouldn’t suspect…or may hide the phone on your son somehow. Calling the cops on his Dad is a lot to ask of a little kid.

Agree :100: with all advice already given.cant add anything else, protect your babys no matter what, sorry yous are going through this, sending love

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What you described here is considered neglect and abuse. It should be reported to CPS but because you’re the ex, the more evidence you have the better. I would tell your lawyer and CPS.

Send a back pack or cross body bag they can wear with a few toys drinks and snacks. Wipes and tissues so if the get stuck out side you know they will have food,snacks and drinks. Litlle juice boxes something small so you don’t have to worry about them not eating. 8 hours outside is to long without food or drink!

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You are legally required to send them in visits if it’s a court order but you can amend the order based on what the kids have said. Ask the court for an emergency hearing and ask that casa does a report for the case. You are technically in contempt of court for not sending them which is jail time for you and he can amend the order for custody and get emergency placement. So tomorrow call the court and ask for an emergency hearing. Good luck mama :heart:

I pray that this gets solved and you get full custody, and he recognizes what he’s doing to his kids. He may never but at least your kids will be safe. Sorry you have to go thru this!

Open a court case to get full custody with out visitation

Man put some kind of recording device or give them each a teddy bear with cameras in them and tell them to keep them with them at all times. Get creative and go get your proof before something happens PLEASE

Get a small discrete automatic recording device on Amazon. Theyr fairly cheap. Send it with your kids nxt time they visit

Time to get an attorney ad litem for the children. Document everything.

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Get your babies a children lawyer. These babies aren’t dogs. Even if your working as adults your aloud inside, cold water, Porter potty. Get your babies a phone take pictures. And p.s. if your ex is working you can request your babies to be put in daycare to be with friends or even be brought back to you as “babysitting” because you are their mother and you should have the first right of refusal

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Sadly if he has a lawyer and you don’t they may try and take the kids and give them to dad if you are not following court ordered visits. A judge may think you are filling your kids heads with BS since they are so young. Time for you to lawyer up.

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Your children need a court appointed advocate that will work on your behalf concerning your children each county has level aid for those who can’t afford attorneys fees contact this office please it cost me $33 when I reached out for help

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Find a counselor through family social services or through the school and get them involved to listen to your children and petition the court on their behalf or they file claims of child endangerment and neglect on behalf of your kids.

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For you, which is more important, looking like a jealous ex-partner or the well-being of your children?
When you have the answer, you yourself will know what to do, meanwhile, do not seek social approval to defend your children, it is not necessary.

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Protect your babies no matter what.

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Dang, this is tough. No matter what you decide, Pray for God’s protection and favor first. He loves your little one’s more than you do

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Have someone call on him as he drives away with them and get him pulled over with open container, drinking and driving. It’s the only thing I can think of that might work if he’s doing that with the kids in the car

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If hes not current on child support the lawyer wont get you for contempt.

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Record every encounter. Anything else will be hearsay unfortunately.

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Get your children into counseling, a good counselor can testify for the children and it will not be your word against his

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In California, the mediators spoke to both of my children once they were 5 years old. Asked if they felt safe and why or why not.
I think you have very good reasons to see a judge. With him having an extensive record they will definitely take that into consideration.
I agree with others who have suggested getting the kids in counseling. They usually have advocates in the office to help for exactly this kind of situation. They will even go with you to court for support. Good luck :heart:

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I’m sorry your babies are going through this. Be strong & keep them safe. Have a welfare. He k done when they are there & the dad does not know it. It won’t give them time to hide their actions. Keep track of everything, have the kids write it down in a journal. One year I let my babies go with the ex, and they came home & never wanted to go back. I found out later that the ex had hurt my older daughter. That’s why he wanted her back. I pressed charges but his family hid him. To this day the courts are looking for him. Don’t give up, and don’t let them go back because something g terrible may happen.

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File for emergency full custody. When you speak to the judge ask that bd take an alcohol test. It can detect it for 24 hours after the last drink. Let child services know whats going on and stay on top of the case manager to do random well checks. Don’t back down. Contempt sounds scary but you just have to explain that you’re protecting the kids and you’ll continue to do so. As soon as you stop fighting is when you’ll lose. Be aggressive. Make it a nuisance for them to even pick the kids up because random drop bys are always possible. Call child services on the gf as well for neglect on her child. If she’s drunk all day she’s not caring for that kid either, even if she’s older she still needs to be taken care of to some extent and being day drunk hinders that ability. If he’s really not interested in the kids, he will go away just to avoid the constant not being able to drink for fear some nosy case worker is gonna show up. Good luck and I hope you get the best result for the kiddos

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Recording device video would be better do your kids carry stuffers? Record and keep record of everything. Make a point that he is behind on child support make him and her take drug /alcohol test. Kids outside all day in this heat is insane and neglectful. What state are you in ?

Keep all receipts of everything you buy for kids. If he was arrested for dui with your children in the car that should have automatically been neglect.

I have been in your shoes 15 years with a mostly active alcoholic and a miserable dry drink.

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Hopefully the court will allow ur children to speak… get a social worker involved… definitely get a lawyer… do not live with what could be a horrific regret…
I am in the sane situation… his drinking is toxic to our children… mine are now 14 and 12… their mental health is a total mess … it will effect them now for the whole of their lives… his behaviour while drunk his aggressive handling the way they know he loves drink more than them… the works… dont let that bastard ruin ur children’s lives like my ex has done my two children… drink driving… it is only a matter of time and when some thing happens… not if… dont let ur children become a statistic … I wish u all the luck in the world… protect those baby’s with everything u have xxxxxxxxx

Go to court the social workers do what you need to tbh x

Stand your ground protect your children get them lawyers get a counselor involved but do everything to keep them safe

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Call the police when he picks them up. Say you seen him drinking from an open container. You can remain anonymous. Or report dangerous driving with his tag. You can also call for wellness checks. When the officers arrive they will ask you children questions.

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I think the only thing that will prove to the judge forecourts that he drinks as much as the kids say is if he gets pulled over for drunk driving.

If he never took his court ordered time properly before you could file contempt against him. Get screenshots of every time he’s refused to have them, lay out dates in a calender to show when he had them compared to one’s he skipped.
Put the kids in therapy so they can someone who can talk with them about everything.
If you have to hand the kids over during this time call up for wellbeing checks.
You can report him for drink driving as well

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No no NO! I’m not one for keeping kids away but this is an absolute NO!!! Go file an emergency order and keep those babies safe. In no way is this acceptable and unfortunately if he’s driving drunk with them and you know this already, the guilt n blame should be on you the most. Do EVERYTHING you can to prove what you’re saying is accurate

I thought if you don’t pay child support, you don’t get to see your kids. This is such a sad situation. I pray everything works out well for you and your children. God bless you and your children.

You lost me at drinking and driving… and then adding in that he’s doing it with the kids in the car. Do not send them, file for an emergency hearing post haste. If you have to, get DCFS involved. You’ve done your due diligence as a co-parent and fostering a relationship with their father, but your main goal above all else is to protect your children. Push for supervised visitations.

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Even though the charges are dropped the police will have a record . A good lawyer will get access to them . NO child should fear it’s parent . Your children are being abused by both of them and they should’nt get away with it . Do they have a mobile ? Could they call you next time she makes them stay outside ? Or even call the police on them and say they can’t get in ? This can’t go on . I wish you well with this !!

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Your kids can speak what they want to do. Don’t force them and let the court know that they don’t want to go. They will ask the kids and the kids have to say why they don’t want to go

I’d say get child protective services involved. Hopefully they can help. Myself and my siblings were abused heavily by my father but bc he was a cop, cps didn’t really care. So we were made to go to visitation anyway. My mom didn’t have the money to fight it in court. I cut him out finally at age 23. I’m mostly ok but had to do a lot of therapy and am on medication now bc of it. Not trying to scare you just telling you some realities. You literally have to document EVERYTHING bc without physical proof the judge usually won’t care. Neither will cps. Good luck.

Take a drive by when they’re there un July. Make videos & take pictures. Get someone they don’t really know to take you. Also try to catch him driving & drinking then call the cops & tell them the area he’s in. Start your own private investigation.

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I highly doubt you will get any punishment last summer my husband’s ex moved out of state without telling us we had to hunt them down then she refused to let us have his daughter for the summer we went to court the judge told her that it was his legal right to get his daughter we drove 9 hours one way to pick her up to be told that she wasn’t coming with us even though the judge just told her the day before that she had to let her come with us so the only thing we can do is go back to court we ended up being able to pick her up a few weeks after that but she didn’t get any punishment at all for going against what the judge said just make sure you have a good attorney submit any and all proof I’ll messages dates that he has done his visitation phone calls find a child psychologist to take your children to so they can go ahead and document what they find I would also look into hiring a private investigator

You need to hire a lawyer ASAP and keep your kids from him. No judge in this world will make your children go with this man while he is a threat to their safety.

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to work through parenting with an alcoholic ex?

You need to get a lawyer asap, I would also either call your local police or go in and ask what you can do if your ex arrives and you suspect he’s under the influence. Tell them he has a history of DUIs and that your children have told you he’s drink driving and are scared, but you are scared to breach court ordered visitation. Another option could be to purchase your own breathalyzer and ask him to use it before he takes the kids, if he refuses say you will call the police and report him for drink driving with minors in the car. If you can have a friend/or third party there to witness handovers as much as possible it would be a good idea. If he took the kids any way and drove off and I suspected he had been drinking I would call the police immediately and report him license plate and everything. You could ask the neighbours in his area if they have seen your kids being left outside and for how long, ask them to call the police and request a welfare check if they see anything.

Also talk to your kids is there a safe neighbour they can go to and call for help if they are being left outside all day? Arm your kids with options and information. If you are locked outside and not allowed in for food, drink, or toilet find a safe adult and ask them to call the police and then mum.

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If you did send your children, it would be safeguarding issue! The fact your child had stated he doesn’t want to go, your gonna have to go back to court! Here in UK if you let your child go to somebody that isn’t looking after them correctly you’d be in bigger trouble! As your aware of the situation and allowing your child to go through it, he’d be sent on a alcohol course, and made to have supervised visits untill he proved he’s fit enough!!! Our kids have s voice here, so I’d speak up for your kids, as if they can leave your kids outside and drink like that he don’t need to be a parent! We all love a unwind but there is a time and a place and his only time to his kids shouldn’t be it! It should be days out trips to parks FUN and it’s not so you have a duty of care as a mum so court is the only way, or call child protection services….they cannot be allowed to go again until he’s sorted his act out as this will effect your kids long term as they remember everything from this age into adulthood! Good luck :four_leaf_clover: x

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I don’t know what the rules and law is where you live but I do know as a mother I would not be sending my kids there him and his partner are unfit to look after children and what his girlfriend is doing to your children is abuse from what I’ve read your kids sound scared,alone and very sad and I think it’s so wrong that your son felt he couldn’t speak to you about how he’s feeling in fear he would get in trouble or hit, your children are unhappy so as a mother I would completely stop all visits and go and speak to your lawyer or a judge, your ex and his partner should be in jail for child abuse, drink driving, putting your children in danger the list probably goes on I hope you get it sorted and I hope them poor little kids are ok

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Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. How to work through parenting with an alcoholic ex?

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You could always call 911 and report him drinking and driving after he picks up your kids or get your kids a phone, they call call the cops if drinking and driving is happening…
Or being locked out for hours by themselves. (Neglect - at the very least)

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Don’t communicate with him over the phone. Only emails so everything his says is in writing. Keep a journal of all the dates he was supposed to have visits and didn’t show up. Document how long the visit are when he does. Document what the kids come back saying. Don’t feel like you’re being petty when you mention his history of DUIs and DV. You can no longer give a fuck about how it makes him look/feel bc its all about the kids and their safety. You’re doing the right thing and yes it’s hard but don’t let some lawyers scare you. Every visit he was court ordered to attend and failed to show is him being in contempt as well.

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I would contact the police dept talk to a detective have the children talk to the detective get it on file and on paper when you go to court the detective can be called in express your concerns as a parent… I would rather go to jail then to have to bury one of both kids from him drinking and driving and as far as the gf goes and how badly she treats them is unacceptable and would not send them back for that reason the children can speak in court against what they witness and how they are treated

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I called CPS on my ex for drinking and driving with kids. It kinda worked. He’s still an Alcoholic. drinks still, just not before or during driving. And skips day drinking when they are there per CPS and me. A HUGE sacrifice for him :woman_facepalming:. But honestly F that. Don’t send your kids. Make him take you to court for violation of custody. Get your child support through the court. The trauma the kids will go through is not worth it with these people…until dad can calm the drinking while their over. I also pick them up and drop off to lessen danger.

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So much good advice on here. I would also take your kids to the pediatrician and request for counseling. Let them know what’s going on and why you’re worried about your son and his mental well-being. The counselor will talk to him one on one and if he reports abuse of any kind the counselor will report it to CPS and authorities- this will give solid medical documentation of your child’s side of the story.

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Ummmm the courts will see he hasn’t asked for the two week visits until NOW. The child will cry infront if a judge it or child advocate appointed by the courts.
You should always believe your kids! Kids have zero reason to lie about drinking and driving. Being left outside all day in the summer is DANGEROUS!! Heat stroke is a real thing.
He was already orders supervised visits for dangerous behavior soooo why does the courts think someone with an addiction will voluntarily control their addiction? That’s not how it works.
His past DUI should make the judge lean towards the side of believing the kids’ story has some merit

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Give your child a cell phone thats password protected and if they are ever in a vehical with open alcohol or he is drunk tell them to call 911. Or if they can txt u a code word and area u can call cops on him. Maybe he will yet again get supervised visitations or have enough to get full custody. Get a councillor for children so they can talk to someone. That might be able to use in court. I feel for you and the kids. I wouldnt contempt and go to jail. If u press it enough maybe the judge will speak to the kids or show rhe judge a video the kids made talking about what happens and how they feel. Or ask for him to have to go to AA and get a breathalizer installed in vehical. Do everything u can think of cuz ive been in your situation and its fucked that you will be punished not letting them go even if that means they are in danger. The system is fucked. Sending hugs

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This is so sad and heartbreaking what the kids have to go through because their dad chooses to be an AH

File an emergency motion for sole custody stop the visitation.

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If need be try to only get day time visits and rid them of overnight visits, have them be picked up and dropped off at the police station, request that he be breathilized? I’m glad she kept them safe and is willing to do whatever need for them!

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Tell you oldest to put the ringer on silent when dad starts drinking and driving call the police. Out loud explain that they are scared and what is going on. When the police stops him and arrest him file an emergency hearing with the courts and take all the proof and the children with you. Let them know how unsafe your children feel about the drinking and domestic violence. Ask for full custody with supervised visitation if he really wants to see the kids he’ll straighten up. Personally they would keep arresting me for contempt cause ain’t no way in hell I would allow my kids to go through that. Every time I would see the judge I would explain why I violated the order I’m sure after seeing me repeatedly the judge would look into it.

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My question would be why would you want your kids around him? He will cause them more psychological and possibly physical harm, than if he’s out of the picture completely. Don’t put your kids in that stressful situation

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Please keep all the records of the emotional support he give or does not give. Keep proof of all the payments he does as well. U have a right to go back to court with that as proof that he is not paying as per agreement and not providing emotional support (not attending aports/school/doctor’s appointments etc). Then get a counselor that works with the courts. It will be good for your kids but it will also be a professional opinion in the courts eye that your kids are being mistreated and could be traumatized. Maybe that will get less visits or supervised visits or no visists when he is not there. I don’t know if it will work but It’s worth a shot.

I’ve been through basically the same story. They NEVER stop drinking and driving.
Their mentality thinks it’s fine to do it. Even after they’ve been caught by police for doing it before. Even after kids beg them not to do it.

Fight it. If anything happens to them you’ll never forgive yourself for not fighting it.
Even just locking them outside for hours in the sun is disgusting and like torture, what if they get sun stroke and dehydration and 3rd degree sunburn etc. :rage:

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Keep that man out of your children’s lives until he makes the decision to get better on his own. He will only be a toxic factor in your lives until then. If he really loves his children he will get better so that he can be the parent they deserve. If removing them from his life isn’t enough for him to get it together then he unfortunately doesn’t deserve them at all. It’s better that you show your children a healthy home on your own rather than have them exposed to an inconsistent and potentially dangerous parent.
I’m the daughter of an alcoholic and addict.

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File a report with the police and have your children make statements. You need a paper trail, then file for an emergency custody hearing and bring the police report with you. The courts will
Likely assign the children a lawyer of their own and they can tell their lawyer what’s going on and they will advocate for them as well

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Look. I am an adult child of an alcoholic parent. My Mom chose to stay married to my Dad.
Although she believed the good would eventually rise to the top (which it did after decades and a terminal cancer diagnosis), I suffered the fallout of his behavior.
Look. Don’t put your child in harm’s way because you feel you’re doing the right thing in letting you baby see their dad.
Yes. It’s right that the baby interact with both parents. But he MUST get counseling first. You might need intervention from trained counselors to help you sort out what is what.
But it is great ERROR (to put it lightly) to keep putting your child in all kinds of harm’s way by sending baby into an unstable and unsafe environment as is.

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I would first drop them off and pick them up. They wouldn’t be in his car. As soon as I left, well-check. I’d call everyday until it stopped but absolutely do not let your kids in a car with him.

U do what u need to to keep ur babies safe he sounds very toxic and ur son deserves to be happy and not afraid to go somewhere that he is afraid I’m so sry ur going through this… Stay strong mamma u got this… :heart::heart::heart:

Once they leave for a court ordered visit you can call the police and have them do a well child check up. Child services doesn’t go, but the police do. So if the children are left made to stay outside or around impaired people the police can step in. That way you’re not in contempt, and it should help with further family court proceedings. Also due to their age your children should be having a law guardian that speaks with them and is both impartial to you and your ex, they solely represent your children. Best of luck.

Same situation here… my ex has no rights towards my kids, he lost all visitation rights after trying to drop them off one weekend and he was drunk. I was not leaving them there to get treated poorly, it’s not fair to them. My daughter was 3 and son was 7ish they haven’t seen their dad and are now 8 and 12 and they have their own opinions now and still don’t care to know him. I just did what’s best for them

Stop the visits by going to court an getting mandatory alcohol treatment and supervised visits. Only communication is in text/email. DOCUMENT every missed call/visit, etc. You are your child’s protector and that is what you need to do.

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You need to have “the right of 1st refusal” put in your parenting plan that makes it so that if their dad will not be home to care for the children during his parenting time he must allow YOU their mother to have the children 1st before anyone (his parents girlfriend friend or other). Document EVERYTHING doesn’t matter how big or small you think it is…phone calls between the kids and him how long the calls were anything he says to you regarding children. Try to do all communication between him and you done in text or email so you have proof.

My first question, no foul on the children, but why did you get pregnant a second time.

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To be honest I wouldn’t let him see the kids till he sorts his life out his actions will be effecting your kids lives

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Guardian ad litem. I had no solid proof dads drinking was the problem but boy oh boy he tried to hide it and failed once I got one involved. Get the kids in therapy and have therapist notes show kids are being honest about the drinking. Good luck

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Document every single thing. Start with communicating only text or email that way you have proof of what has been said. If you have to talk, do it in person and record it. Document when offered a visit and it was denied. Document when they were picked up and dropped off. Document how he was when he both picked up and dropped off as well (like was he acting drunk or anything to make you think he had been drinking.) Record what the kids come back saying. Contact your lawyer with this documentation. Make sure you bring up the DUIs and DV. Your existing girlfriend is being neglectful and disrespectful. Document anything else you can think of that has to do with the situation. Good luck!

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Like everyone else said document EVERYTHING. also, get a private investigator if you can. Have him/her follow dad for a bit to build a solid evidence case. Investigators hold up in court and dad won’t know he’s being targeted.

It’s a shame that narcissistic parenting who use the ex’s to get back at children have put serious situations such as this on question in the eyes of the court. Collect as much solid evidence as you can.

Unfortunately do not get a contempt, u will be the bad guy until there is solid proof. You have to prove it first and then take it from there. Honestly, if u can’t afford an investigator I would investigate the shit myself and call an anonymous tip to the police and report a drink driver if he got in the car with my kids.

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Go to court and remove all visitation rights and get full custody. Until he actually mans the fuck up.

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Hire a private investigator. They can track, document activity and set up video surveillance.

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He’s no father and defiantly not a man , can’t stand guys like that

Send this to Social Services NOT Social Media. Don’t expose your children’s struggles on here, for THEIR protection.

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What a nightmare, I’m so sorry :pleading_face: I’m praying for you and your kids

File for sole custody, he can have shared again when he deserves it

Get a guardian-at-litam( how ever you spell that) ASAP!

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You need to take this to your attorney, and the judge, and make them both aware of the fact this man is an addict. And it may be his word against your word, but his history speaks for itself.

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Get a good lawyer, document everything, keep them if that means they’re safe or give one of them a phone to record with. Call the cops if he picks them up while drinking. If I was you I would do literally anything to protect my children. Good luck :sparkling_heart:

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Document everything! Talk to an attorney as well.

Request a forensic interview. INSIST on it. Even if you have to go to the regional head of child protective services in your area. Don’t stop until the kids are listened to. Ask for the children to be allowed to speak to the judge privately. Request a guardian ad lidem that can and will fight for their right to be heard. Don’t stop pushing until you get your kids out of that situation. He could kill them. I am partially disabled for life due to an accident with a drunk driver. Those poor babies. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve dealt with the system for over ten years fighting for my nieces and nephew and eventually becoming a foster parent. I didn’t stop until I got someone to listen to me.

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Most addicts are also narcissists. Do whatever you can to stop the kids from going without supervised visits! There are too many risks to be taken. Call womens shelters and other services to see if they can guide you or help you. Many lawyers will help and offer you a payment plan.

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Contact your attorney and insist he seek full custody with only supervised visitation. Your children cannot be a pawn for your ex who obviously has no desire to parent. Your children are begging to be saved and you have to control your anger against your ex in front of the children. Definitely call the police if they are drinking when picking them up or if your child calls stating they are drunk.

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If the courts cannot see that this manchild is a danger to the kids, then our system is more rigged than i thought!

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You’ve gotten so much good advice, there’s not too much I can say. Protect your babies!

File emergency custody immediately, the system is failing you terribly.