I feel for you. Truly. My husband and I have been together since we were 17 and moved out together. Had a baby at 18. Married at 19. He is my best friend. Has been since high school. But Lord, his parents tested our relationship to the max. Our worst fights in memory were because of them. They were garbage parents. Neglectful, had gambling addiction issues, lived mostly in poverty. My husband never had nice clothes until he was old enough to make his own money. Never had good Christmases, birthdays, etc. If they did get a good gift, it would get pawned within months. He and his siblings did not have ideal childhoods, for sure. But he determined he was going to make more of himself, and did. Has worked his ass off since he was 15. Has never been without a job. Has given our children everything they could ever want and me the freedom to stay home with them. He’s a good man, a good father, a good husband. But for whatever reason, don’t ask me why, when we were just getting by after our first kid, he’d give them money whenever they asked. I would get defensive, pissed off, felt like they were taking away from our kid and our life. Made snide comments and brought it up more often than I should. It got so bad I would make a big deal about even going to see them bc they always asked for something. I remember one Thanksgiving, he put his fist through the closet door and left. SO out of character for someone who is so patient and calm. It was that situation. His parents. Their relationship. It was all toxic. I saw them as crappy people who didn’t raise their kids for shit and didn’t deserve my husband’s time, attention, or money. I realized later a lot of my reaction to them was bc of the things he told me. They’d hurt him as a child; emotionally, anyway. Didn’t give him the security and love he deserved. I took it all way too personally. I was defensive FOR him, and for myself and my child who I didn’t want around people like that. At the end of the day, he had to make that determination himself. HE had to realize that they were taking advantage. When I said things, he caught onto my attitude and reacted to it. Got defensive. It set us against each other. I had to check MYSELF before asking him to see what I saw. Speak to him about his parents in a respectful way that didn’t put him on edge, feeling like he had to defend himself and his decisions to me. He didn’t. Doesn’t. We’re supposed to be a team and I wasn’t being a team player. I was being aggressive, as I have a tendency to be. When I cooled my jets and approached it conversationally, talked to him like a friend, asked him how he felt about it, why he felt obligated to them (that’s how I saw it), and opened up the door for him to talk to me like a friend and confidant, the way we’d talked to each other since we were young, he was able to relax and just talk. He told me his side and I explained how it looked from mine. It didn’t happen immediately, but he eventually found the security he’d always been looking for from his parents, in our family that we created together. Whatever acceptance and approval he thought he was getting by giving to them all the time was filled the acceptance and approval of me and our kids. By my family, who he’s very close with and who support him like their own. Be patient with him. I know it’s hard. TRUST ME, I do. Idk your SO’s situation, so Idk if he’s hanging onto some issues from childhood like mine was. It’s worth considering, though. If you love him, it’s worth finding new ways to handle it. It’s been over 10 years since we fought about his family. If there’s an issue now, we talk it out. We’ve been together fifteen years now and I couldn’t be happier. I hope you’re able to get through this!
Good luck!
If you have a joint account he should definitely be communicating with you every time, if it’s his own money, not much you can do, his own decision to help his parents.
This is why our money is separate.
If you are ok and have it to give then why not help his parents. If you don’t then it’s a different story. But if he works and he wants to he should, with that being said be thankful he talk to you about it cause he could have not said a word…
At some point you cross the line from “helping” to enabling poor behavior. Especially if it is becoming more and more frequent. I had the same issue with my in-laws for a while and then on the few occasions we couldnt help they would get angry and act like we owed them…
If his parents paid back, I wouldn’t think it would matter, every one needs help every now and then
I mean its his parents, they raised him, supported him, paid for him ect. As people age they sometimes need help. I don’t see an issue at all. Unless it was for like drugs or something.
Be understanding.
You sure its actually going to his parents and not someonelse?
My husbands parent do the same shit. They use all their kids as retirement plans. It’s disgusting to me. They also have 2 grown 40 and 50 yr old children living at home who have never left because they believe they can’t, cuz the parents need their support. But the parent want support from all the siblings. My husband says maybe it’s a Mexican thing…and that’s why I’m so shocked and appalled by it, since I’m not Mexican I don’t get it. I don’t allow him to be used tho, idgaf…we have our own shit to maintain…il be damned if it’s gonna affect our quality of life. Needless to say…they don’t like me…AT ALL.
I see your frustration…but they spent years raising him and spent alot of money doing so. The least he could do is help them when they need it…wouldnt you help your parents? How would you feel if you were the one helping yours and he was angry?.
Communication is important but i believe you need to take a good look at what youre reacting about 
Unless its money for drugs, i dont see the problem helping his parents.
Parents may have a hard time if they are living on Social Security. I would definitely be helping my Parents if I needed too. Only have your parents for a while.
If it was your parents ???
Do you ever call them?
My husbands parents only contacted him when they wanted/needed something too, when he stopped they haven’t contacted us in over 3 years now. Not even to tell us happy birthday or happy holidays.
Find out what the problem is and then you can work it out. But first what is the problem. God bless y’all
My husband sends money to his parents almost every month. It’s a cultural thing for him. I don’t care because I would hope if I needed help in my old age that my children would help me out. If you don’t like it, you can leave 
but your husband is being a good son.
They chose to have a child, it is not a child’s responsibility to take care of their parents. A lot of us do because we love our parents and they deserve it, but you shouldn’t birth kids just to have them take care of you. I have a daughter and I would never expect her to owe me things for my husband and me deciding to bring her into this world. It’s my job as a parent to take care of her and she doesn’t owe me anything for it. It’s one thing if they needed help and were active in your lives, I would do anything for them, but if they only called when they needed something, I would be less inclined. My biggest issue is that they seem to have no part in your life, but continue to ask for money and never to see either of you. Also, if you share a bank account, it is your business where money goes.
It’s ok to help them if they need it and pay it back but if it’s happening all the time when does he say no. He has his own family to support too you guys need to come first. Personally if it’s his money then that’s upto him but definitely talk to you about it even if he doesn’t ask for permission. Like you say communication is the key in a marriage so talking things out with you should always happen. I’d just say to him that it’s not that you mind him giving them money but you’d just like to know what’s going on.
Maybe his parents are struggling. And they truly need the help. Just because HE IS in a position to help AND YOU DONT GO WITHOUT. SHOULDNT BE AN ISSUE
I guess there is missing elements to this story? What is their financial status, what is the money being used for, how do they live, are there other siblings?
Children are not a retirement plan. I would ask him to set up a reasonable budget for helping his parents
I can see helping to a point. Communication is key to any relationship. If they absolutely need help then yes, but if they want to go on these live sales on Facebook constantly buying stuff then no I wouldn’t help.
It depends if they genuinely need help or if they are frivolous
My dad and I give money to each other when we need it
And my partner hates it, because “you shouldn’t rely on your parents for help”. You sound really freaking bitter. It’s his parents. When they’re dead, you won’t have to worry about it. But I won’t promise your husband won’t resent you. Because their memories will be tainted with your griping and complaining about him doing what HE wants with HIS parents
I think a lot of the issue matter would depend on how the money is being spent and how they are using it. Of course we, as their kids, have a responsibility to take care of our parents as they get older and they face new challenges. However, he needs to know he IS MARRIED. You and him are one unit… and therefore, leaving you out of the decision making is also unacceptable. Esp if this is also your hard earned money. I would recommend sitting down and really hashing out how much and how often is being spent. There needs to be a compromise and a balance.
What if it were your parents?
I feel like one day you will be for caring for them anyways . If it was your parents and would he be upset?
Set a yearly budget. Stop when you hit it.
We give money to all sorts of family overseas and we just have a budget. But for my immediate inlaws id break the budget to help.
It comes down to how it affects your finances as a couple and whether he can set boundaries around amount and reason why.
Is he generous financially with the two of you . What if you lost your job would he step up? Does he have to work two jobs to afford his parents demands? And thus always sore and tired? Are the parents being wise with their money or blowing it. What are the parents doing to get out of their situation ie got names down for public housing? Are there other siblings and are they helping out?
Try living on social security at the end of the month they have no money are food . I work in home care and I am here to tell you they have it hard . I seen them go without food . Medicine , things they really need . I lot of them don’t have families to help or just to proud to ask for help . I not saying that your own family should go without. But just be mindful of the old ones . You will be in there shoes one day . Or come to work with me at the end of the month and you will get a real look . My heart goes out to these people
Not enough info…why do they need the money ?
Do they pay it back ?
Are they on a fixed income with unexpected bills ?
So many different reasons they may need a loan …
The phone works both ways…do you call them ?
Is the money leaving you short in the home ?
Something you need to talk to your husband about really…without judgement or moaning .
Personally id be paying it back if I had to borrow from my son…even if it was in small installments.
My in laws bent over backwards for us. If we were ever in a place to help them we would. There’s a difference tho if there abusing it
I think it just depends on what the situation is,if his parents have true needs he can help with and your family can afford it,well he should. He should tell you he’s doing it. life is so short and our parents are gone so fast. If we can help them,we should.
He doesn’t have to ask your permission and if u keep trying to put a leash on him in regards to his parents it’ll end biting you in the butt trust me. Hope you realize that is what families do. Parents help their children and parents spend about 300,000$ on their children from time they’re born until they’re 17-18. So why is it a problem if a parent asks for help here and there. Did you know in most cultures (except America I guess) once the parents get to a certain age then their children actually start caring for them. If his parents are on social security do you realize social security is less than 1900$ a month? Do you realize how hard it is for older adults nowadays?
They took care of him so he is taking care of them you’re over reacting
It is his parents. He should help if he can. You sound very uncaring. I feel he told you what he was doing, he communicated his intentions. He didn’t ask permission, you aren’t his parent, you are his partner. So act like it and support him like one. God forbid your family ever needs financial help
At the end of the day he should discuss it with you but if it’s not affecting lifestyle and he works for it…it’s his choice. If it’s affecting your finances (meaning you’re shifting things around so you can pay your own bills) that’s different. I think discussion should happen but permission is not needed…IF you won’t be affected.
As long as you both have at least 5k in savings in case of emergency and no problems paying bills with extra to go out every now and then…i wouldn’t complain. Would u want him complaining if it were opposite and your family needing money? I have had to bend and ask my mom for money 4 times after reaching age 21…now 31…so in 10 years asked 4 times …and had to ask her to buy Christmas for our daughter once bc my husband’s mom dropped the ball and we were both out of work. Now the post office does free Christmas…which makes it easier on families in need…but havent had to ask for any since got back up on our feet and have managed to buy my mom gifts the past few Christmases to say thanks for those loans…So i wouldnt deny family in need and wouldnt deny my spouse helping out his family if can afford it. Hell…his friends are staying out in a camper in our yard right now and we help them out by buying 50 a week in groceries and stuff they need until get back on feet. It seems to come back around bc,usually i dont get anything for Christmas but what i buy myself. After helping everyone out this year…i raked in on Christmas and got everything i saw i wanted,so…karma…
People are missing the point! She said they ONLY call when they want something! That’s the problem!!!
I get it’s his parents and they raised him but I also understand and would find it frustrating to that they only call when they need money which isn’t right either. And even as their child it’s not his responsibility to always be giving them money he has his own family to take care of.
His parents took care of him his whole
Life growin up it’s his turn to repay that life favor sorry my mom asks
For help guess what I help her if I dotnjajbe it my grown kids step up n help their grandma sorry but he doesn’t have to ask your permission Married or not to help his parents without them he wouldn’t be your husband be grateful I lost my daddy two years ago n what I would give to be able
To just send him a dollar
Is there more of a back story ?
I understand his point, to a point & yours also, It is called communication, in which it seems he is doing, since he is telling you he is giving them money, But yes, enough is enough, he has to think of you & him, If they are disable or ill I might understand, I did borrow money over 23 yrs ago from my mom to use as a down payment to my house & within a month it all was paid back, First & last time, I would also ask, have they paid back any of the money he gave them???
I’m questioning age and uses. Like, are they vacationing and unable to pay bills… Make them see a financial planner.
All 4 of you could sit down with one and work out the money situation.
At gets annoying when you support ppl simply bc they won’t be better at finances.
My husbands dad seems to think that bc we were smart and paid off our house and cars, we have all this left over money to pay for him. I put my foot down. Helping is one thing, being expected to support someone is different.
I feel like sometimes helping our parents financially wise is fine like my mom spent so much money on me growing up if she ever needed money which she never does I would inn a heart beat help her. Then there’s my dad I had help so many times I can’t keep count, I had stopped helping though because the only time he ask how I am or messages me is when he needs money. Taking care of our parents when they get old is definitely the least we could do for all they did for us as children. But like I said if they only talk to him when they need money, I could cut it
Both my parents and in-laws would have NEVER asked for financial help - but they were hardworking, intelligent people who lived well within their means and saved money so they were independent - - -
Why is he telling you? If I had to help my parents out I would do it with my money. It’s nobody else’s business.
There’s nothing wrong with helping his parents. They provided for him for decades. He’s right he doesn’t need your permission to give his parents anything. He also doesn’t have to report to you how often they call.
They reared him and if he can afford it he should help them out but only if they really need it
He shouldve talked to you first.Secondly,I think if its a true need,he should help.I will drop whatever I am doing,to help my father if he needs me.
First of all, you’re leaving a lot of information out… so going to get mixed reviews… Such as are they on a fixed income, why do they always seem to need money? Is it because they are on a fixed income but bills are still high because they still have to pay for health insurance, medications, food… etc? Are they just spending above their means? Why do they need help??? Can you help set up a budget for them?? It’s his parents, of course he wants to help them out and make sure they’re okay!!! Wouldn’t you if it were yours? I’d help My parents out or my husband’s without hesitation!!
I totally understand her point .BUT they r his parents and if he can afford to help them out then he should .his parents would do it for him if he needed it for sure .my parents helped me as I did them and my children help me as I do them .it’s called family 
u do whatever u need to for each other …because at the end of the day that’s all u will have .the people that have family r the riches ppl in the world .my dad always said no matter where u r in life always remember ur family 
one day u will look up and they will be gone .
Once, MAYBE, but you’re enabling poor behavior. If it was my husband, I’d leave. If his parents paid you guys back, before borrowing anymore money, that’s whatever, but to keep giving money, is enabling poor behavior.
I see all these posts about people saying “they raised him”, he didn’t ask to be here, actually nobody did. But here your husband is, doing what he can for his family, he doesn’t owe his parents anything. He chooses to do it.
You both have a point. The communication could deff be better though to avoid certain feelings. If you guys are in a place to help them I say let it be. Just don’t bring yourself under in doing so. Ask him to communicate better when he does but let it go. Let him help.
They took care of him , now it’s his turn
Basadi, don’t you want him to help his parents or don’t you like the fact that he doesn’t tell you…also if they call unless they need money why don’t you guys call them 
he can and must give them money even without them asking for it,shii:roll_eyes:
It’s easy for everyone to give their opinions…but until they’re in the situation…it really depends on the individual and the circumstances…i doubt it’s easy for them to ask…just a different perspective
What if it was the other way around? You are always calling your parents for more money? How would you feel?
Erm, maybe not permission but it’s both your money so your input and consideration yes.
Communication is always a must have in marriage, more people really should discuss this issue prior to marriage, for many this is a cultural thing and comes with that family dynamic.
Whatttt? Never gave my parents money.
My parents has always spoiled me.
You all make me laugh when you say how his parents raised him and paid for him. You act like 1 he asked to come into this world, nope they brought him into it. 2 you think he can get a job at 5 to start supporting himself And 3 kids don’t sign up to support their parents. Yes help them get into an affordable living situation within their means. They don’t mean keep giving them money, clearly they can’t handle money. So if they need groceries but then food if they need gas fill their car but do not give them cash. They have shown a pattern clearly in their life that they didn’t handle their money well.
As long as he isn’t taking away from the household and is giving away his personal money it’s not your concern.
You have every right to be mad especially if it’s household money
If there his parents why dont he send them the money and not involve hes why.
That’s how my mother n law is. At least $300 a month minimum. Also she only calls when she needs something. Recently my husband stopped sending her money and idk why, but who am I to argue.
I don’t care, my husband does the same, bills paid-yep, food in the house-yep, kids got what they need- yep, moma got her wine- yep. Go for it hunny.
Story of my life, Filed divorce. Its 1 thing to be a helping hand. Its absurd when that’s all a person calls for!
Never pays back or give anything when they are able
His parents only calls when they need something, that’s why she feels that way.
I would be too.
I didn’t have kids so they can grow up and take care of me financially. That sucks. I hope y’all figure it out.
My exs mom had her hands in his account right up until we moved away… he finally put me on and took mommy off. I thought it was insane… he treated me like a child yet she had free access
Separate your financials and don’t give him access to the money you need for your family. If he doesn’t stop catering to his parents, divorce him.
Not enough information
My mother is a widow and on a fixed income. We have recently moved her in with us and she pays nothing which is what we wanted. My inlaws are retired, my father inlaw is not well and when they need help we give it to them or help with what we can. Also there are siblings that sometimes pitch in. Maybe if he has siblings they can all come to an affordable dollar amount and all pitch in monthly so the parents don’t have to ask? Also, that money may be the reason they eat or are able to buy life saving medicine… not really enough information to say alot about it
You can’t put an end to that, only your husband can, and it doesn’t sound like he has any plans to. I mean, are these loans, do they pay it back? Or is he just giving them money whenever they ask? What is the money for? Is it to help them pay for bills or medications? Or is it because they wanna go to dinner, shopping or on vacation? If it’s loans, as long as it doesn’t cut y’all short, I wouldn’t complain. But if he is just giving them money and never getting it back, I would be pissed! If he doesn’t have to “ask permission”, then neither should you. If this is an issue for you, change your routine. If y’all share money, stop. Split the rent/mortgage, all utilities, all child related expenses and all household expenses. Split it right down the middle and then whatever you have left is yours and whatever he has left is his. If he chooses to give his parents money, it comes from HIS money.
As long as it’s his personal money and not coming out of the hosuehold budget or your pocket, let him. But I’d refuse to give him money out of the household budget once his is gone. You have to say no. Unless the mom is paying him back once she gets her check at the beginning of the month. That would be a different story. I wouldn’t mind at all as long as it’s getting returned.
Nah. That’s not communication. That’s called respect. He has zero for you.
out.
It wouldn’t matter one bit to me if you can afford it and it doesn’t leave your family without necessities. You should help family whenever you can. It’s a completely different story if you cannot financially do it.
I would always help my parents or my in laws at any time if I could financially.
Of course this would be conditional on if they really needed help verses just terrible spending habits.
They helped him growing up and I’m sure s break times since he’s been grown…He Better help them when they need it …it’s call Respect, and that’s his Family. They Won’t always be here. Are you with him fir His Money? He could be doing Illegal things or costly things to Blow his money but He’s Helping his parents…or Maybe he’s got a girlfriend???
I don’t understand the issue
There’s no mention of financial hardships in your household, you agree he doesn’t need permission, you said he does need to communicate which is literally what he did
Why does he need to cutoff helping them?
Help me understand the complaint here
I know longer have my parent’s but if I did I would give them anything they ask for, they gave me life so yeah I would definitely help them when needed
It’s not okay they only have a relationship with his wallet. That’s a big problem.
There’s nothing wrong with him helping his parents financially. That’s life. Support him.
Why is he enabling them ??? He needs to sit them down with a financial planner (fiduciary) AND a budget!!! Tell them that this is the last time. This goes for any family member
Sorry not enough info
Young one - did you know the situation before you got married. He is communicating with you - he did tell you. Trust, accountability, responsibility and loyalty are the for pillars of any good relationship- it’s reinforced with communication. You are going to tread on “family” . Be careful- but if it’s causing financial hardship maybe you could pencil it out for him.
If the shoe was on the other foot would you want their help?
If your parents needed help or money would you feel as strongly about it? If you have it to give where you aren’t struggling isn’t it more important to give it to family? Those are his parents. They won’t be around forever and if he can help them and make their life easier than he should if he is able and that’s what he wants to do.
It’s extremely difficult to give an opinion without more detail. What is the money for…alcohol/cigarettes or rent/medical necessities? Do you have the means to help, or is this causing undue hardship on your family’s finances? Also, is it like $50 here and there, or $500 every month?
You only have one set of parents and they gave you life and if they are like myself they probably don’t enjoy asking for help but appreciates it when they can, so if they are not doing things that they really don’t need to do like drugs and alcohol with that money I don’t understand what the big deal is about especially if they are up there in age and not got a weekly income coming in.
Do they pay it back . If not then it has to stop .
It’s not going to change my dear. Unless you plan on leaving because of it, you may as well keep quiet!
If they are using the money for drugs alcohol etc then fair enough , but If it’s for basic living then why would you be so unhappy about helping family. Hope your never down on your luck . They must be so embarrassed to ask. But like most people said I’m this thread not enough info as to why your so against it ???
If my parents were still here and they ask me for money ,you bet your sweet fanny I would give it to them, (unless it was for drugs), they raised me that if a family member ask for help you give it to them as long as you can provide for your own family.
Turn a blind eye …or leave…maybe it’s for their medical bills or medicine…
If the money is to help them with monthly financial issues, because they are on a fixed income not enough to make ends meet. But if it’s for entertainment like gambling or just wasting it then you need to communicate about it. I love my parents but I’m not working to support gambling or wasting money. Do you need to give more information
It’s his parents. . If my mum needs anything and I can do it I would- every time.
You only get one set of parents. . so I’m with your husband on this.
Your husband will have continued blessings throughout his life for helping his parents.