So I don’t know if this is just for moms or step moms as well but I’m a little stuck. I am a “step mom” not even married just a girlfriend to a man with multiple kids, I cook, clean, help with taking and picking them up from school, take them to appointments, etc. while he works 70+ hours. I feel so unappreciated and unloved sometimes and I don’t know if it’s all the hours he works or what. We can’t seem to be on the same page these days, and every time I bring up the subject of breaking up or leaving he doesn’t want to answer yes or no he goes around the question. Does he still love me or is he sticking around for the convenience of me?
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I am a step mom and feel unappreciated
To an extent it’s step moms in general, but with saying that in my experience know your worth girl! It does take a real woman to be a stepmom! But don’t be a doormat! He should be treating you like a queen period!
I mean, set boundaries. You need some you time. And you need " us " time too. Have someone babysit and have a date. If he doesn’t want to, that’s your answer to the " should we break up " quesrion
If your bringing up you wanna leave , just leave and go be happy
I’m not a step mom but I am a mom and I do everything also and sometimes I feel the same way . But when I start feeling some type of way I speak to my husband and he steps up. We set up date nights , movies even make shopping trips small dates , eat in the car before dealing with kids lol . Life is stressful
Can you maybe try another approach if your willing to stay and work it out ?
Best of luck
70 hours a week is a lot he needs to see if he can cut back on the hours. Tell him he had to make more time for you. Also maybe your just starting to see true colors. I personally wouldn’t be do all that work it’s like your a babysitter. I dated a single dad once who had custody of his kids he always left me with those kids so he could go do whatever won’t do it again. I won’t ever date someone with young kids again. My kids were crap to him. My youngest is almost 13 so I am done.
Sounds like he’s using you as an unpaid nanny. If you want to continue this relationship consider counseling and really talking through what you’re relationship is all about and boundaries. Find some couple time and plan some date nights sound like you need a relationship reset.
I have much respect for step moms i couldnt do it. Ive left a step situation before i couldnt handle it. I love them dearly, was just too much. The youngest(3 yrs) didnt like me i just wasnt happy that way. My point, do what makes you happy. You only live once. He can cook for kids too
You are a badass for stepping up for those babies but it sounds like he’s keeping you around for a nanny he doesn’t have to worry about paying. He beats around the bush because he would stop benefiting if you weren’t around. It’s hard because it sounds like you’ve bonded with the kiddos but it’s not fair to you either. Sending hugs.
Start charging his ass
Girl u better leave him, you playing a part that ur not getting paid for, you are a girlfriend don’t do all that. Be nice to the kids but going above and beyond is not in ur title. Goodluck!
I feel like he is using you. Maybe you need to try and talk to him. If he wont…won’t… I guess you have a choice to make.
I am a step mom and feel this way he works 40 hours a week give or take. His mother has his child now but even when she was living with me I had grandma stepping in where she didn’t belong. The child would purposely try to get me in trouble it was ridiculous. She’d tell everyone I pushed her down or was abusing her and all that stuff and he believed her and still does over me. She’s even told me she wants me and her dad to break up bc she doesn’t want her sister to have her parents together.
If he don’t want to listen and you feel that way please leave. You are probably just there for his convenience. Although you did know he had kids running around when you got with him. Being a step parent is not easy because most kids want to see their mom and dad together and try to play both sides it is very very hard.
No offense, but you’re not a step mom right now as he hasn’t made that commitment. But are a basically a live in nanny. I don’t say that to be hateful, but if that’s the amount of respect you get as a girlfriend, then if you ever become the wife it’s not going to change
If he’s working 70+ hours a week, he’s just drained. For 9 years I literally worked 2 jobs, 7 days aweek with my only off days being holidays and vacations. I know how mentally and physically exhausting it can be for him. There’s just not a lot of time to think about romance when he’s working that many hours. Something to consider and I don’t want to ruin the surprise if it’s the case, he might be working extra hard so he can save up and buy you a ring or possibly has his eyes set on possibly buying a new house and then propose. Just my theories.
If you have to threaten to leave to get the love you need, you already know the answer
He’s using you of course and it’s not up to him to say yes or no about you guys breaking up or you leaving. If you want to leave then leave. Don’t stay cause of his kids. You’re obviously very unhappy so it’s time to leave honestly.
You don’t HAVE to do anything to help out. Set your boundaries and carry on.
Being a step mom is hard, hard on you and hard on the kids … Put your foot down , before making any changes get the answers you want if they keep going jnanswred then take that as your answer
You need to better explain your situation before I can I form an educated response with advice cuz this makes little sense to me.
It sounds like he is using you.This is my opinion but if it were me,I’d pack up and leave.
Girl… I am LITERALLY living your life…
The fact he won’t answer the question directly makes it seems as if its more of a convenience thing for him. Seventy hours is a whole lot of hours and would cost a fortune in childcare.
I raised 3 and a half and was A wife… if I could turn by the hands of time, Never again!!! It’s Not worth the time!!! Time is One thing U will never get back! AND AS A GIRLFRIEND. FU&K NO!!!
Here is my story and maybe this will help.
I was freshly 21 and had just left my previous husband (together for 5 years married for 1) I met this amazing guy and we immediately hit it off. He had two children from a previous relationship and was also fresh off a divorce (about a year) he immediately wanted me to move in. At the time I worked 2 jobs. One in the office during the day for a law firm and one 3 times a week at night hosting karaoke at a bar. I agreed and thought I had found my dream life. (I had tried for 3 years with my ex husband to have children and was told I couldn’t conceive) he has an amazing job (also working 70 hours) made great money owned his own home and I thought I could finally be the mother I had always dreamed of. 2 months after moving in he asked me to quit both jobs so that way we didn’t have to pay for daycare and I could stay home with the kids. Even better I thought my dreams of being a stay at home mom were coming true! He worked nights so I did everything. I took the kids to school and picked them up. I cooked I cleaned I planned activities for me and the kids. We were having a great time. About 6 and half months in. I realized I was begging for his attention. I mean literally begging. We didn’t do dates because he worked overnights. I kept begging and begging and wouldn’t get anything but a kiss here and there. We decided to go on a family vacation for the weekend. While there we wound up getting in a huge fight about how to parent the children and I was told it wasn’t my decision it was his. This is where I noticed I wasn’t an equal even if I was doing all the work. When we got back home I told him I didn’t think he loved me I thought he loved having me there to take care of the kids. And he said fine go. No argument no begging to stay. No I really do love you’s. Nothing. So I left. Then found out that immediately after he was messaging my best friend horrible things about me saying he wished he met her instead that he hated me that I was disgusting etc. So I moved on and thank God every day I didn’t stay with him. Because just one short year later I met the man of my dreams who I have now birthed two children with by gods amazing grace and have the actual life I had been dreaming of.
I’m going to say it. It’s easier to have live in help when you work that much. You deserve better.
at 70 hours a week he too is exhausted so may not be thinking well! Personally I would probably get a job, have him get the kids in daycare/after school and pay rent. Then see where the relationship goes.
I’d love to say he’s just busy, but if he cant even have a conversation about your problems as a couple then it’s probably time to let go. Sounds like he just wants a babysitter and a maid
HE’S WORKING 70 HOUR WEEKS
He doesn’t have the energy to play your games
If you want to leave LEAVE
Imagine how HE feels working so fucking hard just to come home and have his GIRLFRIEND constantly threatening to leave
I’m not sure what you are feeling. As a mom no one appreciates you. If you work you feel guilt because you have to work. If you are at home you feel guilt because you aren’t contributing to the household finances. Their are only 24 hours in a day. We all feel unappreciated. Women have a fairy tale idea of life. The grass is not greener and the shoes pinch your toes. We have to decide what we want out of life and be realistic. Be thankful for what you have. Good Luck.
Girl, I’m leaving that situation for you
As many have already said, you are an unpaid live-in nanny, but the relevant question is do you love the kids? that should be utmost in how you proceed
I am a mom and was a step mom and both positions are amazing and unappreciated. Being a “Parent” is a verbally thankless job (so is being a wife at times). You have to decided what road you want to take, what can you live with and without. Praying for you
Sometimes people get comfortable at convenience. And as far as your boyfriend? 70 hours a week isn’t enough time to have a partner. He either appreciates you, or he doesn’t. And you’ve got the feeling where his feelings are at for you.
You stay or you don’t. He hasn’t proposed. You have no ties. If he’s working that much he can afford someone to do the tasks you’re doing. And you can go get a job or something.
Make life choices with just you in it. Pick what’s best for you.
If he can’t communicate with you then you’re allowed to walk away. Without communication there isn’t much of a relationship. He either starts to appreciate you, or he doesn’t. He’s going to make time regardless of how much he’s working if he’s going to show you. If he doesn’t you have your answer.
You are around until the kids are old enough and dont need you
I think he still loves you sound like it just a tough time in both your lifes on his day off dress up and you tell him we’re going out on a date and have fun sometimes people get so involved in there routine that they forget get a sitter if you have to go out in a date just him and you if you can get a hotel room for a night or weekend have fun just sound like you both could use a night or weekend out on the town together so you plan it see how the weekend or night goes and that will answer all your questions
I mean it could be convenience, but also being a parent is just hard and being a wife is just hard.
So… leave? You’re a free babysitter he can sleep with. You’re better than that.
From experience they hang on to you til they find someone new.
Are there multiple moms also. And who was doing all this before you and was it discussed before you moved in with him.
Don’t stay just bc you Love the kids!
He’s not answering you bc HE NEEDS YOU!
You are his nanny
Sounds like you’re the nanny
Welcome to the world of step parenting!! Do it all with out the love of the kids and with expectation from their father!!! You will be judged, ridiculed, questioned at every decision… if you can’t handle it you are best to go!!! When they grow up and have their own kids, don’t expect to be included because you’re not their mother and do not expect to be called a grandmother name!!!
It’s not responsibility to be his maid & child care worker. Parenting time is the time for the parent to parent their child. Not a time for the parent to force someone else to take care of the kids. I’ve been in this position a few times. He’s using you to seem active in the child’s life & to take time from their mother. Leave him. Let him learn responsibility.
Seems like it depends on If You WANT to stay! If you Love him& feel like he loves you then stay!..& Mother/Nurture a relationship with the kids! If you don t feel it s worth investing your time/ your life then you probably better end it! If you care for the kids…you can …maybe…still keep in touch…with them.
I’m a mum and I’m under appreciated get used to it lol
leave. as someone who’s been used, they like the convenience of u until things don’t go as they wish then they are quick to run to someone else with out any regards to the person being used feelings.
Darling!!! I think you know your answer……
Make the decision for yourself. Don’t wait for him.
I am just going to say as a Mom and wife I feel unappreciated, but I’m sure my husband also feels the same way as I think it’s probably just a normal part of life sometimes. However, him not being willing to have a conversation with you about the relationship and even try to make you feel loved or reassure you… that’s what I’m getting stuck on. I’m so sorry! Everyone deserves to feel loved! I hope that whatever you decide that you get that love you deserve!
Why do you need to ask him if you want to break up/ leave him ?? You just do it !! We or I don’t & can’t answer if he still loves you. That is something you have to ask him. You need to seat him down on a free day, when the kids aren’t there & really talk to him. If he doesn’t want to do this, then pack your stuff up & leave
You are not a step mom. You are a built in babysitter as the girlfriend
You’re a free baby sitter he gets to sleep with basically.
It does not matter if you’re a mom, step-mom or girlfriend. Raising children is a thankless job, when it comes to the kids. It shouldn’t be when it comes to your partner. I’m sure there is more to the story, but just from what you’ve posted, I would say that with him not being able/willing to flat out tell you that he wants you to stay, that it’s more of you being a housekeeper/nanny than his partner. If I were you, I wouldn’t talk to him about splitting, I would just end it and wait for someone who knows your value.
He hasn’t even put a ring on your finger, you’re the nanny by the sounds of it.
If he is working 70+ hours a week it sounds like he loves his family and is taking care of you all financially & a Mom or step-mom is taking care of the children (you) in a emotional way! I bet at times you both feel unappreciated but you are both needed by your kids and try talking this through when your man is fed & rested. I hope things get better for you
Yea, I’m sorry I wasn’t doing all that for no boyfriend. Where is their mother?
I’d get a straight answer from him about his feelings towards your relationship before you do anything else. It’s better to know the truth, than to keep wasting your time if he doesn’t want to be with you anymore. But, even without all this going on… being a stepmom (for a lot of us) is a thankless job. It’s something you just have to do for your hubby (& stepkids) out of the kindness of your heart. Its not a very rewarding job, and you’re often under appreciated. It’s a tough job! You’ll never do everything right, and you’ll be the enemy at some point. You gotta figure out what’s going on in your relationship before anything else. He should at least be appreciative of the fact that you’re taking care of children that you didn’t birth. But, the main fact here is that you aren’t married, so you are not their stepmom. You aren’t required to do any of these things, so I’d find out his intentions so you aren’t essentially being used for nannying purposes. Being a parent is hard as it is, but being a stepparent is much harder. Good luck with your situstion.
If he won’t give u an answer,I’m sure he just likes the convenience I’m dating someone and I have kids and we have one together but if I asked him and he asked me we would both say of course I want u to stay you idiot. Make time for the 2 of you and make sure he’s spending time with his kids or else no one will have a healthy relationship
Probably a little bit of both and he most likely will not change.
I would tell him, good-bye!!! Does he give you money for taking care of his children?? What does he do that he works 70+ hours a week???
Sounds like he found someone to take care of all of his needs. Who is taking care of yours? If you love him and he loves you, have him make it legal. You will still be taking care of everything at home. However, if he is working so much and pays all of the bills, then that will not change. What will change is you will have legat married rights to 50% should something happen to him and you would need it to continue to care for his kids! If he doesn’t want to marry, you you don’t want to leave, then he needs to step up to the plate and pay for baby child care, home cleaners etc. And most of all he needs to show he appreciates you out of love and respect and not fear he is losing his care giver.
Girl get out while you can. Sounds like a working man but if your helping handle his business then he needs to handle your business. No man worth taking care of his business and not being appreciated let him cut that work week! His kids his responsibility. Don’t marry him it will only get worse get out build a life with someone that loves and appreciates you!!!
It sounds like he views you as a budget nanny for his kids if he can’t even tell you if he wants to be with you. If he has the kids, he should be taking care of them. I know it’s not realistic for dad to have them ALL the time at dad’s house…but their custody agreement isn’t worked out so that you can be with them. He’s taking advantage. He needs to answer the question of: what would he do with the kids if he didn’t have you. It’s not fair to make you feel pressured to stay in a relationship because of his children.
If you weren’t there…what would he do? What was he doing before you? How long were y’all together before you took on the fake wife role? Where is their mother? Maybe you should go get a job… so he has to deal with his children more. You are definitely making life easy for him…and it is sucking for you. If you get a job and start getting some independence back…he will have to make a decision.
Me too sister, me too. I feel like a glorified babysitter sometimes. I love his child to death but I don’t think the feeling is mutual.
You probably already know the answer to your own question.
You already know hun. Men only leave a good woman if they have the attention of another. Men don’t just leave because they aren’t in love. They leave when they find new love. Dont wait around for that
If you’re not married you shouldn’t be doing wife duties. The good news is that you have no obligation to this man and can leave !
Girl stop all that and he will give you the answer…… if he can’t answer yes then it’s a no……you are the help
Your just their dads gf
Not their step parent
They are his kids
And will always come before you
If you are not happy
Pack your stuff and just leave when he is at work
Sounds like convince. Especially since he won’t flat out say yes or no. Stop worrying about his feelings and do what’s right for you. He’s not caring about your feelings.
All these people jumping to “leave him”
Obviously you are in a relationship with him for a reason. I would sit down with him and have a conversation with him how you’re in this relationship to have a partner in life, and you currently feel like you’re just a housekeeper and child care provider. Let him know you understand he works alot of hours, but you need time with him, maybe set up a way to have a scheduled date at least once a month, it would be better more often, but just depends on scheduling and ability to find someone to watch the kids.
Depending on ages of kids and hubby’s work schedule, week day mid day might work!
It doesn’t have to be a fancy date or anything, the most important part is uninterrupted time for the two of you to connect and be with one another.
Something like going for a walk, or drive even works, as long as y’all are talking and spending time with one another, without distractions, such as kids or electronics.
Oh girl. I learned a long time ago that appreciation from step kids is few and far between. And it’s a thankless job. What you need to do is go get a job and let him figure it out. You are not the maid.
I think you’re a live in maid, chauffeur, chef, taxi service… etc. ARE YOU HAPPY ??? If no, then GO. I don’t think they will change. You YOU must.
There are a lot of jobs out there that work 70 plus hours a week especially fabricators welders commercial construction workers I got a friend that’s in construction that works 6 days 10-hour days you know and sometimes work Sundays too so you people that are going what man workes 70 hours plus a week and has kids well they don’t work all the time and they’ve not work their whole entire life 70 hours a week so that’s probably where the kids come in now to answer the question it sounds like to me he’s just using you as a glorified babysitter maid
Convince and freaking RUN!
Time to go it’ll just get worse
I am afraid that you have answered your own question!
Looks like dad needs to cut back his hours on HIS TIME WITH HIS KIDS to 40 hrs a week. Visitation is set up for him to have time, not his gf’s time. Why would he step up to the plate if you and his ex do it for him? If he isn’t going to do HIS job as their father, then why take them from their mother? I’m sure she misses her kids and obviously he is putting them all on your plate. I’d walk. Your being used.
its a step mom thing. they dont care and never will. inconsiderable brats. (most anyways)
hes also just using u it sounds like and thats not ok
They should be with them mom if he’s working.
A step mom and mom have no difference in my books. Do what’s always best for the children and communicate gently with your partner, the difference you make in your kids life doesn’t need to be acknowledged, it needs to be done for their well being. You do what is best for those kids regardless of your partners ability to express their appreciation, they’re also working 70+ hours.
If he loved you he wouldn’t beat around the bush . He’d tell you . He knows it’s convenient and he doesn’t wanna loose your but for the wrong reasons. You deserve better. There are great single dads out their who would kill and bend over backwards to have a girl that put in the kind of work you do as a step mom lol he knows that to or he’d let you go
Why are you letting HIM control the narrative?? The question is DO YOU WANT TO LEAVE OR STAY?
Do you tell him how you’re feeling or just that you wanna leave? If you’ve communicated your feelings with him and they’re still being dismissed, get out of there. Leave him to do it all on his own while he works his 70 hours and see how much he appreciates you then I’m a mother and a stepmother and my partner always shows appreciation when I do things with and for his boys. And that’s after doing 12 hour days.
As derogatory as this may sound, we have to train our men. Not train them like how we train our pets, but train them to know what we will and won’t put up with. You’re not even the mother and you do so much.
Most will say, well you knew when you got involved, which is true, but showing appreciation really does alot to your spirit and if he’s not gonna do any of that after you look after HIS children then leave. You don’t owe him nothing.
I’m a step mom too and I have 2 he has 1 and I work from home and do everything. Sometimes you have to sit and talk bout the way you are feeling with him before you jump to im leaving. Some men have it in their head ur the woman and in the olden days thats what women did. But some men don’t think about the 21st century. I’m not married either and I feel the same some days. Communication is key!!
Don’t make your decision based on his feelings. You decide what you need to do for yourself.
Time to look for work & leave them to it " kids must be able to do for themselves " you are just being used ’
Know your worth . He’s using you for convenience. If you decide to stay, set boundaries with him. You’re not a doormat or babysitter. You’re his partner . But from the sounds of it, you’re burned out and ready to leave.
Honestly I am both , I am a mother and a step mother and although there is no difference I love them both the bonds are different and my son appreciates me more then my step son idk why it is but he breaks stuff lies etc doesn’t mean I love him lesss it’s just harder
Lois Stacy *wife this is just a girlfriend. No telling how long they have been together or how serious it really is. If I split with my fiance my children will be with me not whatever he is with that week. It isn’t to be mean. It just isn’t her kids.
You need to decide if this is what you want for the rest of your life. Do you want a partner that leaves you covering the majority of life for years? For what benefit? The fact that he doesn’t want to tell you definitively says what his real choice is. I hope you can come to terms.
The latter says it all, you are a convenience, to do all the running around for those kids of, his. Leave him to it, get yourself a man who is single, like yourself, enjoy all that quality time you are missing out on with this selfish has-been.
Stop doing wifey duties if you’re only in gf status. Women… PLEASE stop doing wifey things when you are in gf status. Hold men to a higher standard. You hurt us all… and our daughter’s. EXPECT MORE!!! Give less!!!
Sounds like he is using you
From how you’ve written this you sound like a free babysitter, maid and cook. If you ain’t getting nothing out of that relationship other than glorified slavery… leave.
…YOU ARE SO MUCH MORE THAN “just a girlfriend to a man with multiple kids” … hand him an itemized bill for ALL services provided on a weekly basis … he probably can’t see your true worth … if he can’t see it on paper Sweetie RUN, like Forrest Gump !!!
Do not wait for his permission to end the relationship. If you feel done, that is more than enough to BE done. Also, I always recommend speaking to a therapist.