My husband and I are adopting his biological nephew. I know there are a lot of opinions around adoption, but that’s not why I’m here. The reasons are truly valid.He was placed with us through DCS when he was 2 months old, and he is almost 2 years now.Every time his bio mom (my husband’s sister) is around, she refers to me as “aunt”, my bio kids his cousins, and herself as “mommy” and he looks confused. I would normally put a stop to it, but she is mentally handicapped with the estimated mental age of 13, so I don’t want to be rude or hurt her feelings, but I also want to navigate this in the least confusing way for my son. Would it be wrong of me to ask her to at least stop referring to me as his aunt?
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Honesty is tbe best way forward. Raise your son knowing the truth of his birth.
Im adopted . Although I’ve never met bio mom. I’ve always said real mom and adopted mom. Idk 
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My uncles wife raised me and my little sister from when we were babies. We always knew we had another mom but always referred to our aunt as mom. She was there for us our whole lives and never hid our origins from us. He were never confused with the fact we had another mom. I think your son will be okay. Just keep explaining to him then you won’t have any thing to explain when he’s older. I miss my mom 
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If he only knows you as his mom than 
yes try to explain to her that it’s confusing to him.
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I think that conversations need to be had with both Bio mom and child separately. Both are children as stated by OP. I believe both are mom’s in different ways. As a 13 yr old mind may have the pride of being a mom but not the capacity to raise a child adequately OP has aided in raising the child. BOTH are moms and in a village supporting each other for the sake of the child. Difficult situations require careful and loving discussions. Good luck.
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This is difficult. The bio mom knows no better, due to her disability. Instead of leaning too much about the calling of mom, which will play itself out with time, use this energy to instill love and harmony. Praying it all works out in favor of peace. Don’t let this worry you as it takes away your good energy. You are an awesome person who took in this child as your own, knowing the condition of the mom. Get professional help if it creates disharmony. Otherwise time will heal the matter:pray:t2:
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I don’t think it’s wrong at all 
I agree with having a conversation. Since you’re raising him starting as an infant, it makes total sense. We took my autistic nephew in at 14 (Now almost 19) but he still sees his mom/dad. (We didn’t adopt but are His Guardians) His parents are def on the spectrum as well but had we had him as an infant, it would have made sense. He sees us as his Aunt and Uncle but I think if I were in your shoes, I’d feel the same way. Blessings to you for doing something so amazing! It sure isn’t easy!!!
Maybe sit down together with his bio mum and your husband and talk about it. Even if she’s got a disability, if she’s mentally 13, she can still reason and understand. It does make things difficult if she’s in his life a lot.
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It’s hard because you have a different family dynamic going on but if you have loved and raised that child since 2 months and are going to continue to do so you are mom. When the child is older you can tell him the story of how he came into your family but you are mom.
You are mommy she can be mommy (her name)
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I encourage you to reach out to a therapist/counselor whose background is in adoption/trauma. There is so much poor information being shared here by people who, seemingly, know nothing about either subject…their answers are fueled by their own emotions rather than what would be best for all parties involved.
Personally, I see no problem with him referring to both women as “mom”. Our kids call their first mom “mom” and they know me as “mom”, too. We honor their first parents in our house…they wouldn’t be the awesome kids they are without them, regardless of the situations they came from or choices that were made by their first parents.
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Maybe one can be mom and the other momma or mother?
My opinion, definitely not expert by any means is this – in my experience it’s often what works for the child, the child will call you what they are comfortable. You should never force anything.
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If she’s mentally handicap then certainly be gentle, kids understand much more than we give them credit for. You know you’re mommy and so do your children., and when your 2yr is a little older, he’ll get it…you can always explain it as you are mommy 1 and her mommy 2 for the time being💕 Tummy Mama is always a good example in explaining to a 2 year old.
Was adopted at 1. 1/2 I had 2 moms . My real mom which is what I told my friends would occasionally visit , I was never confused . Always open about it .
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Does he call your husband daddy, does she refer to him as uncle? Your son will call you whatever he’s programmed to & comfortable with. Explain to him why his bio mother refers to you as aunt etc. if & when he asks.
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I think being as brutally honest as the child grows is what is important
Yeah they may get confused for some time but they will be able to understand as time goes on.
I think everyone deserves to know where they came from no matter the situation
Do you also know how many people have two moms or two dads these days? Yeah your situation is not the same but neither are the times we are living in.
I commend you for loving him like your own
You can tell your his mama bear
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Your the mommy, I have a adopted daughter ,she my daughter and I her mom.
Tell your husband he needs to talk to his sister
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I would just tell her that he knows you as Mommy, & you both will share that title for the rest of his life. & When he is old enough that you will both explain to him why he has 2 Mommy’s.
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What does he call you, his dad and his adopted siblings now? I would stick with that. If he gets confused, gently and age appropriately explain to him why she says that.
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Maybe you can find a name for her that you agree on .
Like Ma or Mother .
It is not easy but she is right and he needs to know so it isn’t so hard or confusing later in life .
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You and your husband need to talk and approach her together. A mental capacity of 13 is capable of understanding that she is not mommy and you are.
I would sit down with your husband and find a way to discuss this with his sister, although she is mentally handicapped use things to explain to her in way she’s can understand.
And just try to have a talk with your son. Although he is two, just be like no I am your mommy and when he’s older have that conversation with him.
Will pray for you and your family
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I would ask her to call you his mama or something of that nature. She can be mommy and you can be mama. It’ll be hard for awhile with him being so young but he will understand it later on. Just explain to her that it’s confusing him because you are mama to him. Let her know she will always have a place and you arent disregarding that, but for his sake she needs to call you what he does so he understands.
I was adopted by my aunt and uncle when I was nine I called them mom and dad but I never stop calling my mama mama. It’s OK to have more than one mom that conversation needs to happen so that she realizes that you’re both mommies now no longer an aunt 
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Just say to him there are 2 mummies mummy 1 mummy 2 x
You’re his mother. SHE is now his aunt.
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Could you suggest that she is called tummy mummy? That’s what alot of open adoptions do. You are raising that child and you are mum. I’d get your husband to have a word about it. Well done for raising this child
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God love for for taking that child and making him your own. I would tell her that you are his mother and your biological children are his brothers and sisters. If she can understand aunts and cousins she can definitely understand that you are his mother. If she can’t abide by that she shouldn’t see him until he can understand the concept.
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At this point in time, she is using the correct terms. Until you have actually adopted him, she is legally and biologically his mother, you are legally his aunt and your children his cousins. Just because I raised the children of my deceased daughter, I didn’t become their mother. In my opinion, the only person this matters to is you. If he is going to know that he was adopted and who his biological mother is what difference does it make what he calls who.
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It shouldn’t be an issue the baby has a mother and a woman that’s raising him the truth should be always told and as the baby grows up he’ll probably call you both mum but at least he has the choice and knows the truth make a deal out off it then lies will bite you on the the bum TRUTH is respect and love
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You can tell him now they he’s formally adopted, he can call you mom. Explain what adoption is so he’ll understand. Adoption means your mom now. But he can call you both mom if he wants to since he sees his real mom.
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It sounds like there’s a disability there. If she regularly sees a therapist I’d suggest you ask for their assistance explaining the situation to bio mom.
I think you’re over thinking it. You mentioned her mental state. He can have 2 mommies. He will understand when he gets older. Explain he has 2 mommies that love him because he does!!
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She could be Mama Name and you can be Mommy.
You will get so many opinions here from ppl who never walked in your shoes and are wrong…ignore them guilt tripping… She is birthmother/ legally his aunt…Just tell her you’re his mom now. Tell her mommy, mama whichever title kids know you as,then be patient to remind her. He knows who has always been there for him, who raised him sacrificed for him and gave him comfort, it would be more confusing for him if you’re his mother figure and he can’t call you that like the other kids.You are his mommy and they are his brothers and sisters.13yo is old enuf to get titles…good luck!
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Does she see a therapist? If so I’d approach the issue through them. I’m not sure how hippa laws would work in this situation though.
Yes, you would be. He is 2, doesn’t understand. It’s not your place to say anything, it’s your husband’s. THE child isn’t old enough to understand. Why is she still coming around.if you are adopting. When he gets older you can explain the change in titles…you are the aunt and uncle, so what shevis saying is true.
…
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I would 100% expect to be momma to a baby I had been raising since It was 2 months old. She is aunt now and once she lost her baby she lost the right to be mom…as heartbreaking as that is sometimes that’s what happens. Set clear boundaries with the bio mom…but you are that babies mom
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I agree with above. Be clear about the facts and let the child decide. She is his mom, adopted or not. You’re still his aunt adopted or not. Just be clear as the child grows up and they will let you know when old enough.
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You can ask but if she’s mentally disabled, she might not be able to comply. Hugs!
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Even with the mental age of 13, she can conceptualize the process of adoption and familial relationships to an extent. If you were going through the exact same process and she wasn’t in the picture, there would be zero question as to whether or not your title should be mom or aunt. You would be mom without her in the picture so you should be mom with her in the picture. You have raised that child it’s entire life so YOU are his mother. I think the way you approach the conversation should be modified due to her cognitive abilities but the conversation still needs to be had in my opinion. Come to a conclusion that everyone is comfortable with but be an advocate for yourself because you earned the title of mommy the minute you took on the responsibility to raise and care for someone else’s child, regardless of how that came into fruition. Like others have suggested, I would explain to HER that she is his birth mom but YOU are his mother and she will be referring to you a mom, your husband as dad, and your biological children as his brothers/sisters from that point forward. At a later point in your adopted son’s life, I would have a conversation with him about the dynamics when he is at an age where he is both questioning why he has two Mom’s and when he can understand the concept. Good luck and God bless you for being an amazing woman! 
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I’ll be the odd one out. The birth mom is just that. Your are this child’s mother b/c you are the one whose clothed, bathed, fed & nurtured him. I would sit down ‘& talk with the bio mom & her guardian if possible so that way it can be established. You can easily tell the boy she is his bio mom & he came out of her tummy & you are his mommy that cares for you & makes important decisions. It’s toned down & simplified for a 2yr old & it establishes whose the mom in charge.
Boundaries need to be established now so that later on she isn’t under the impression that b/c she’s the biological mom so she can make these type of decisions. Possibly look into everyone getting someone professional to talk with so it’s very clear what the expectations are & everyone can work through this. Regardless it’s stressful & emotions for everyone involved are high. I just feel like making sure the 2yr old has everyone in HIS corner, not bio mom, aunt uncle, etc. fighting & arguing back & forth.
For everyone whose also completely dismissing the aunt whose 100% adopting this child, 100% has raised & nurtured this child. I sincerely hope you aren’t friends with someone whose adopted because you all are completely dismissing the adoptive mother & could care less she’s the one whose put in the time, love & labor of raising this child. Even with her legally adopting the child you all are dismissing her.
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Tummy mummy and adopted mummy?
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You need to tell her that she is aunt and you are mommy
That is a hard situation to be in. Maybe the child could call you Momma
When we adopted my husband’s 13 year old nephew we became mom and dad (biological dad had passed away and womb donor put this boy up for adoption at 12 years old). She became a nobody basically. When our son died at age 18 that woman asked if she could come to the funeral. I told her yes but if I heard one remark about “her” son or trying to be the inconsolable “mother” I would beat her to a bloody pulp. She behaved herself. Put that womb donor in her place from the get go. YOU are the mom!!!@
Is there a different title than mommy you’d like? Maybe Mama? Madre?
She is his mother by birth and you are by adoption. You’re both entitled to be called mother by this child.
Or you could just tell her that because he’s adopted; he now has two mommy’s, a daddy and siblings and that that is what he calls you by his choice.
Don’t be angry with her or demand this, but explain to her that it will confuse him if she keeps referring to by Aunt, Uncle and cousins
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Yes. It’s wrong. If she is still welcome in his life then she is still mom. You are mom too. He can call you both mom. But you are also his aunt. And if she is mentally handicapped, will she understand what your telling her?
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My son and my brother both have disabilities (autism and downs respectively). I’m trying to think of this as if were them. She did not do anything to lose her baby. I wouldn’t be trying to take being his mom from her. She birthed and carried him. Why not be his aunt after all you are. At the very most perhaps use a different term. Shes mom, you’re mama?
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If there’s a mental/ cognitive issue with her, perhaps it is better to explain to him that she is not able to be his mommy because of (insert explanation here) and that you both love him very much. Unless she is being deliberately hurtful, do not take it as hurtful to you. He has two mommies, lots of kids do.
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Maybe have him call her mommy [her name] and you mommy too. She may understand this better if he has “two mommies”. He will grow up and understand the difference and learn why it is this way. She may not, but nobody’s feelings will be hurt.
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You’re his mama. You’ve had him since he was 2
Months old and he is all you know as the woman he took care of him and who has loved him.
I was adopted an my parents brought me home at 2 days old and did nothing but love me and I was their daughter from that very first day.
A family isn’t always blood related its who we love and accept and who loves us.
Best wishes and keep letting that little boy know you’re his mama.
And yes I’d most definitely let her know that she is his biological mama but choices are now why you are his mama and that’s what you’ll always be to him
Maybe when he’s older let him make the choice to reach out and tell him about his biological mother and why she gave him up for adoption, but don’t bad mouth her. Just the truth.
That’s what my mama did for
Me .
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Imo it will be best to explain to older children the situation and allow her to be “mommy” as she is his momma. If he just grows up knowing then there is no resentments toward you and your husband when he is older and finds out you have been lying to him or keeping the truth from him his whole life. Many adopted children struggle when they find out. Just be honest starting now. You are the best bonus mom he could have ask for and he will always love you for it.
This sounds like a difficult situation and obviously opinions will vary based on culture and beliefs. The word adoption to me means the mother has chosen to adopt the child out permanently and an agreement would have been made prior to adoption. I’m unsure of the circumstances around your adoption as you mentioned bio mum was mentally ill. If this is why you have her child, maybe she doesn’t understand that she will not be getting her baby back? Therefore in her eyes you are aunt. She will always be the child’s mother as she grew and birthed the child and being your husband’s sister I’m assuming she will always be apart of your lives. If you haven’t already, maybe make some realistic decisions around what when and how you will tell the child about who his parents are. Do this in the best interest of the child. Personally If she will always be apart of his life and wants him to know she’s bio mum, I would let her be mummy (or tummy mummy etc) and you be whatever you want him to call you (mum, māmā etc) and have a gentle convo with bio mum about expectations that you both agree on for the adoption… realistic ones with the child’s wellbeing at the centre of those expectations 
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If you want him not to call her mom I think that would be wrong. But expecting her to respect the fact he has two mamas is 100% fair. That is your son. Period.
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Some “moms” on here clearly dont know the meaning of the word lol. I would def try explaining it to her, as it is obv confusing your son. You are his mother & yes she is bio mom, but if you want you can explain to her to call you mom to & his sibling’s by bro & sis, & she is still is mom & can call her self that, but he is very lucky to have 2 moms in his life & explain how its confusing to him by her referring to you as aunt since you have raised him is whole life. She may not understand but then you have to decide what is the best thing moving forward for your son then. She needs to respect your boundaries, but this obv is a bit of a difficult situation as she is not mentally mature
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NTA. I would speak to your Husband however, about this. What does he call your Husband?
Also, legally he is your son if you adopt him. Once son is old enough I would explain that while you are his Mum someone else gave birth to him.
Does your husband get referred to as uncle or dad? There’s a lot here to unpack and honestly I’m not sure the internet is the best place to look for answers on this.
This seems to be an open family? When a family I knew had a similar situation. The adopted kids called one mother bio momma T and the other momma K it was really nice to see how well adjusted the children were.
While you have adopted the boy, fact is mom is still around. With a mental ahe of 13 or so its hard to not think she was raped and that was the cause for your adoption because she can’t care for a child herself. Imagine yourself is her shoes. Does she even understand what the adoption process means? If all she understands is that she had a baby and she is a mom then it may be best to let the boy call you both mom if he feels like calling you both that. It should be his choice as he grows on who he decides to call his mother. I know most parents wait a long time to tell a kid they are adopted but I think in this case you may want to be open and honest from the start. Think with your heart. Yes it hurts to hear him call her mommy too but don’t you think not being called mommy will hurt her too? I think being open about the adoption in this case keeps everyone from getting hurt. Being loved is what children need most. Letting her love him too will never hurt him. He may grow up to be a more compassionate child knowing the real story of how he came to be. So just think about being honest and open with him from the get go. Kids understand more than we think they are capable of at young ages. All I know is if I had been adopted for whatever the reason I would have appreciated honesty about it. Adopted kids so often wonder about their birth parents when they find out. So instead of seeing it as a hurdle see it as the beautiful situation it can be.
Family adoption is hard you can not stop her from telling her truth !
Everyone knows and growing up they will learn it from a cousin or overhearing a conversation (my aunt adopted my cousins baby ) so I have first hand experience in this exact situation. My cousin has said it would have been better if they’d known all along as them and sibling/ (grew up as cousins new from a young age because they looked almost like twins ) so they started asking cousins instead of adults and one told them the truth . They rebelled because they had been lied to their whole lives and felt they couldn’t trust the adults around them!
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My personal opinion here just from the information provided is this. She has a mental capacity of 13, right? I feel like she might not understand why HER baby is being adopted to begin with. It must be extremely hard for her to see her baby being taken and raised by another family. Unless the plan was to have her fully removed from his life, I think you need to be a little more considerate of her feelings as well. Your feelings are valid, I’m just saying Bio mom is being made to look bad (not Necessarily by you but some of these comments.) and I think there’s more behind the story. I was adopted by my aunt (I was much older though) in my heart, I loved her like a mom but I could never comfortably call her mom. I had a mom, even if she sucked at it. My Aunt would try to tell me I could not refer to her kids as brother/sister if I would not refer to her as mom and she even tried to tell me my bio brother was not my brother, he was my cousin. We know who we all are. Labels didn’t stop us from loving each other. I know she wanted us to call her mom but I never felt it genuine, I just felt it as a way to hurt my bio mom. Again, my situation was much different but at the end of the day, the love and care is what mattered most.
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I’d like to know why if she was know to have a disability was she not being supported by family to help raise the baby in the first place and instead they allowed her to fail then take the child away ? There is a autistic teen mom in Africa whos family is raising (but allowing her to still be the MOM ) I’m sure a family in America can manage the same support . I kind of feel like this was not a supportive family and they just want her baby 
where is the father why no mention of him ?
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My friend adopted her niece, her brother’s daughter. The girl found out at 13 she was adopted, she was totally ticked off. You are not wrong in being upset but, my opinion here, I think you need to be honest with the boy that your sister-in-law is his birth mother and you adopted him, maybe differentiate one is mama the other mommy, or whatever term you want to use. Every person I know who was adopted and not told about it at a young age were super angry for being lied to. Those who knew were far happier. I also feel since you are the aunt and had not adopted him you should have taught him you are aunt. You said bio-mom is mentally 13 she might not understand the full scope of the situation she knows he is her son but not realize legally he is becoming yours.
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I have 2 bio sons and 2 bonus daughters. My girls were 2 and 11 when we blended our family. We were in a custody battle for the 2 yr old which we won due to the bio mom refusing to do any of her court order tests ect. Since the day I met our youngest daughter she knew my name was Tanya. She knew she could call me whatever she wanted. She called me by my name for a while then started calling me mommy Tanya and shortly after just mom or mommy. She turns 5 in September. We left the choice up to her. She knows who her bio mom is. My advice is be open and honest. You are raising the child and I’m sure mom is what they’ll call you but be honest so they know all the facts. Explain in terms they can understand and as they grow they’ll understand more. But don’t hide or take away the fact that your sister in law is bio mom. It sounds like she’s done nothing wrong just not mentally capable of raising a child. And she is in your lives. The child can love you both and both as moms. One who grew them and one who’s raising them. When there older they’ll understand why bio mom couldn’t do that.
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Let the child decide what he calls you. He’ll be talking in no time. She is his mother even though you adopted him.
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Perhaps just say sweetly to both, and I’m you’re Mommy too! He will eventually ask when he’s ready to figure it out. If she mentally challenged he’s probably like a baby doll. And whoever abused her at 12 has stole her innocense. I’m sure giving birth at that age is a pain full reminder. Pray and God will help you choose the right words. You know you’re his mommy he will too
I have not been in this situation but i have worked with mentally challenged/handicap adults whos mental age ranged anywhere from 7 years on up to 16 years old and i can tell you that a person who is mentally 13 years old is 100% able to comprehend exactly what you are telling her. I imagine at least part of the reason she refers to you as aunt instead of mom is because there is a part of her that is mad that she does not have her child and can not be his mother. One of the guys i worked with was 57 years old mentally he was between 7-9 years old he was mad that he was living in a group home and felt like he had no control over his life or what he was able to do so he would strip naked and run outside while meds were being given because he knew the residential advisor ( myself or another staff member) were not able to leave the med room at that time due to having controlled substances unlocked. He completely understood this and took full advantage of it because he thought ultimately he would face no real consequences due to being mentally challenged. This situation happened twice the second time we had an officer come over place him in hand cuffs and put him in a squad car and he was told he was going to go to jail for public indecency. He begged and pleaded and cried and was so upset so the officer took him out of the car and put his hand in mine and told him he is releasing him but if it ever happened again he really would be arrested. It never happened again. I say this to say his mental age is 7-9 years old the sister/bio mom for the OP baby is mentally 13 she is fully able to understand just talk to her let her know she is a huge part of the childs life but she needs to refer to you as mama so that he is not confused and later when he is old enough to understand the two of you will talk to him together and explain she is bio mom and you are mama
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At 2 you tell the child you are both his mummy’s and as he gets older you can explain why .I think even tho bio mum has disabilities and mental age of 13 it is alot she has been through as they have took her baby away and the visits and calling her mum is all she has left.In the world today it isn’t so shocking for a child to have 2 mums,2 dad’s or how ever their family works as long as they are loved and feel they are loved.
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His bio mom is handicapped. Some of y’all need to be a little more compassionate. Even the OP. You are his aunt, your kids are his cousins, your husband is his uncle, and his mom will always be his bio mom . This isn’t some closed adoption off the street. Be honest with the child and don’t force the child to call his aunt mom, uncle dad and cousin’s siblings. The kid should be able to call them what ever he feels comfortable with. The OP is a bit aggressive. Take a deep breath. Are you afraid the child will love you less if you aren’t “mommy”. What you and your husband are doing is a great a thing. But titles are just titles. Just keep loving him and do the best you can.
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If your SIL has an intellectual disability, this might be difficult for her to understand and comprehend. If you can apply the situation to a situation that she has personally experienced, it may, or may not be helpful. You can explain the situation better to your children and the adopted child that their aunt has a disability that impacts her ability to fully understand adoption. If you continue to struggle with acceptance, feel free to reach out to a therapist that undersands disabilities, so that they can help you understand better.
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Speaking as someone who’s been through the system, the adoption process, and adopted…you can both be referred to as Mom and it NOT be confusing. All depends on how honest you want to be. I was a closed case adoption. I wasn’t supposed to know anything but my Mom (the woman Who raised me and taught me how to be a person) never kept it from me. I always knew who my Mom (the woman that raised me) and my biological mother (obviously the one that birthed me) were. Be honest. It’ll benefit you all in the long run. Just speaking from MY experience.
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Nope, you’re the mom now.
Try to see if you can get a closed adoption or put a clause in the adoption paperwork where she cannot claim any maternal status with him and visits are on your control. This will forever mess with him mentally if she continues to behave like this.
My mom had 3/4 adoptions as closed adoptions (parents had no contact until we were 18) and it saved us from having this kind of an issue growing up.
Why lie to the kid? Your his aunt and you always will be. Sure you can trick a 2 year old into calling you mom, but when he’s 12, 13, or 14 you have to explain why you lied to him? Save him the pain and confusion and keep the truth the truth!
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The next time she says anything just remind her that she is a “egg donor”.
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Sorry, but she may be his birth mother but you are his mum, you feed him, clothe him, cuddle him when he cries, change him when he is dirty. Make it clear to your sister in-law that you are his mum. When he is older he will understand. My ex was adopted and always said his mum was his adopted mum and his birth mum was just that.
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If you’re legally adopting him, you are Mom and she is now “Aunt So&So”
I’m not for putting people down, but if someone else has to step up to raise the kids because the parents can’t/won’t they didn’t do anything to deserve being called mom/dad. It’s earned, not given.
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Ask her what name she wants to be called such as mom b or mommy c, etc She is mentally challenged but that does not mean she loves her son less. He can call you mom and her whatever nickname you decide with her. As to your children you must explain in no uncertain terms that they are his siblings. He obviously will know he is adopted but you decide now how that flows for him not her. By including her in the choice you can guide her to names that you are both ok with. Sometimes kids have 2 moms. It is no different than if she was a step mom. You have to find ground that is best for little man and move on from here.
Problem here is that she is referring to you as aunt and the kids as cousins, this may hurt and confuse the baby right now. He will feel like he doesn’t belong. It’s not about what he calls the bio mom, it’s about him being able to call his adopted patents mom and dad. She can’t come into your home and hurt the child, it’s your job to protect him. When he is older and calls her mom that is different, but he should be allowed to call you mom. She needs to except that he is no longer her son so he will be calling you mom, she is acting in the aunt role now, she needs to except that. Legally she has no right to call herself mom, that’s the point of adoption, giving the child a new legal mom and dad, the child has all the right to feel he has both parents and to call his adopted mom “mom”. He is not obligated to call bio mom “mom”. She lost that right. 13 is old enough to understand, she understood enough to make the baby. Anyhow I get some of you want to feel for the bio mom, but that’s not who is priority right not. Yes it’s good to tell the child the truth, but him knowing is one thing, and him blending into his adopted family is another. If anything he will be calling them both mom one day. Bio mom doesn’t get a say in what he calls his adopted patents or siblings. He has one mom and dad now unless HE chooses otherwise. She should leave the telling him up to his parents. She can refer to herself as her first name but as for her calling the adopted family out of there roles is wrong.
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Ok I adopted my niece and nephew, she was 4 mths and he 1 1/2 years . They ( he) chose to call me mom at abt 2 years old , he was so smart. I was age appropriate honest with them both throughout the whole process and they know who I am and who thier birth parents are , 30 plus year later I am still mom . Just be sge appropriately honest with him . I even save all original copies of birth certificate, ss cards ect , as it all changes when the adoption goes thu . I never wanted someone else to tell them later and confuse them and make me seem dishonest.
You are not the aunt anymore after adoption. You are the child’s mum and the sister is the child’s biological mother. If the child wasn’t related to you before adoption, you would be the mum so I don’t understand why everyone here is saying you are the aunt? That’s like saying if you adopted a child you are not their mother which is silly 
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Desirae Yeggie she has been his mom since he was 2 months old. She may not be his birth mother, but she is his mom. Giving birth to a child does not automatically make someone mom. Loving, teaching, supporting and nurturing a child makes you mom.
OP that’s going to be a tough one, because of her mental status, but you can tell her if she continues to call you all “aunt, uncle, cousin” and herself “mommy”, she won’t be allowed to see him anymore, until he’s old enough to understand what happened. But only if that’s something you’re willing to follow through with
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Nothing wrong with a kid calling to woman mammy .
It’s not like she abandoned or neglected him , she is mentally disabled, and probably will not understand why you want her to stop calling you her baby aunt.
Please have a little of patience and compassion for that woman and just let her be, when your son is old enough you can explain the situation to him .
Her calling you aunt doesn’t make you less of the babies mom
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I would speak with a child development specialist about the situation since bio mom is “developmentally delayed”.
You are worried about your title…and this isn’t about you…it is about that baby…bio mom loves the baby…but is legitimately unable to care for him. It is not like she just gave him up because she wasn’t ready for kids… and this needs professional help… not internet counselors.
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Why not refer to her as Mommy adding her name as well.
I adopted my son from foster care as well. MY son. I AM MOM! No one else. I’d put a stop to it immediately.
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She is mentally handicapped as you said and the child is two . In my opinion you are being too much right now .
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You will be Mom not birth mother
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She’s mentally 13, she probably doesnt understand why both of you are “Mom”. This sounds like something you should talk to a specialist about, like a therapist or her social worker… someone familiar with your legal/family situation
I’m here to ask if anyone was held accountable for her getting pregnant since you stated she is mentally challenged with a mind of a 13 year old. As for the the mommy situation…that’s something you and your husband need to figure out how to fix. This seems to be a delicate matter with bio mom.
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That’s tough. She didn’t do anything malicious to lose this baby. She just wasn’t capable. Unless you plan on deceiving the child about how they came to be, you’ll need to address it with your kids also. This baby has two moms and nothing will change it. Not a competition. I imagine she’s heartbroken not being able to raise her own child. She is still the mom. I wouldn’t ask her to stop. I’d make my children more aware of what the reality is.
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For the fact that u mentioned his mother’s mental capacity, why even make it an issue.
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Absolutely nothing. We’ll drive over.
You are still his aunt till the child decides.
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I adopted 2 siblings from foster care. They were taken into care at the ages of 2 years and 10 months, and at birth. When we were going through the process, their bio mom was very territorial. During supervised visits she would make my daughter refer to me by my name. If she referred to me as mom, bio mom would correct her. She would also pass along parenting advise via social workers. It was real fun. My daughter knows who her bio mother is, but hasn’t seen her in over 10 years. My son is the younger of the 2 and hasn’t seen her since he was roughly 2 years old, so has no recollection of her or anything to do with the whole process. Both of my kids know they’re adopted. We’re very open about it. When my kids were little I would refer to myself as mom and her as bio mom. My daughter is now 15 and on the rare occasion she does mention her bio mom, she calls her by her name. This was something that she eventually did on her own. My son doesn’t talk about her at all. I think in your case, the entire family needs to get on board. I mean extended family and all. Maybe suggest that he call her a special name to differentiate her from other aunts, but also different from being called mom. Something just for them to share. She may just be his aunt after adoption, but she also gave him life. He wouldn’t exist without her. You mentioned that she has the mental capacity of a 13 year old, so you essentially have to handle it as though you’re dealing with a child.
Yes absolutely. Youd be stepping over a line/breaking a boundary by asking him to call you mom because it makes it seem like youre trying to take his moms place. You cannot replace his mother. You are not his mom, you are his aunt period. You’ll just confuse him even more if he has to call you mom instead of her bc then what does that make her too him, his aunt?
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You are the aunt. Period. If child calls you mom that’s fine. But as long as mom has visitation and she sees child. You are aunt. You are an aunt who stepped in to help.
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I don’t understand the need to force a kid to say mom. Why does it matter so much over a word.