I have a family member who is extremely overweight (500 pounds). For years I have been pleading with them to lose weight. I’ve told them in nice ways, and things have also gotten ugly. I’ve let them know that they are going to die and have asked what type of funeral they wanted. Lately, my anger has been building up. This person has always asked if my family and my kids can help them clean their house, run errands, etc. At first, this was fine. They are morbidly obese and at the point of being handicapped. I tell them all of the time to clean their house in portions. Even if they do a little bit at a time and then take a break, but they would rather pay my kids to do it for them. Yes, they’re willing to pay, but I am at my breaking point because even though my kids are getting paid, I truly feel like they’re being taken advantage of. This person literally does NOTHING! They don’t even try to lose weight or do better for themselves. I’ve tried to get them to help with a dietician who specializes in overeating. They refused the help stating that they couldn’t afford it, which I know is a lie. This person shops online non-stop. There are boxes just piled up because they can’t go to a store and go shopping, so when they don’t like something, it just gets tossed in the living room. I have offered to help this person find a therapist or mental help for possible depression or to at least get to the root cause of their condition, and they refuse. They refuse to get surgery because “I don’t like how their skin gets saggy” or “It makes them look old.” (These are not my words. These are the rude comments coming from my family member.)This person is a family member of mine whom I truly do love, but I just can’t take the laziness anymore. There is obviously so much more that I can go on with, and I try so hard to understand and help, but I can’t do it anymore! If they won’t help themselves, how can I and my family members keep going on like this? I feel like we are at their mercy nonstop, and it’s really starting to become a burden in our personal lives. We are always at their beck and call, and no one else will help them! What do I do? What do we do? I am so tired of this but feel like I am a bad person or selfish, and I know my family feels the same. Do we have an intervention? (They are so scary and defensive) I also don’t want to to hurt them. I just feel stuck. Help!
You’ve obviously expressed your concerns to this person. If you no longer wish to help them express that to that person, that they need to find other assistance. Tell them that you love them that you want to visit them you can no longer system and then let it go. If they complain about their weight or their situation explain to them that that’s something you don’t wanna discuss and if they wish to change you’ll be happy to assist them.
They are comfortable, and as long as they receive the help from your family, they won’t change. I had a family member like this, most family ended up turning their back on them as it was mentally draining for many. The person finally did something and is half the weight they were, some times hard love does good
Leave them alone.
Talk about a Karen.
They don’t want your judgement. Life as a fat person is hard enough without having to deal with the “stop being fat” crowd announcing what THEY want.
It’s their life, not yours.
Food is apparently their support system.
And it is clear that YOU are NO ONES’S support system.
Move it along Brenda.
If you’re don’t want to help them… don’t
If you don’t want your kids to help them in exchange for payment… don’t let them.
But the rest isn’t about you. It isn’t your life and it isn’t any of your business! You can’t say because someone shops online that they can afford the therapy YOU want them to have… everyone shops online, and the price of most of it won’t even compare to medical bills! Thinking someone has to change because of how YOU feel about the situation, is a bit selfish… no it’s not it’s a LOT.
I understand their health etc would probably improve they lose weight… but if they don’t want to, that is THEIR choice to make!! NOT yours!
Even if your intentions are well meant, as you want to help them… this kind of behaviour is BULLYING, there’s no two ways about it, you are hounding, harassing and bullying someone you claim to love. And you’re doing it because they don’t conform to what you want them to be, and because you feel it is a burden on you and your family. It isn’t, if you don’t want to help them don’t, if you feel you’re enabling them… simply STOP doing it. Be there for them in a friendly way but avoid doing any of the things you think are contributing to their problem. That part is your choice. You’re not obligated to do any of it (which this person seems to know fine and well since they PAY for your families services) but if you don’t want to do it… don’t.
But continuing to belittle and bully this person, who clearly feels that they ‘need’ you, is not going to help. That kind of treatment makes this kind of issue so much worse… someone body shames you, and you don’t feel good about yourself, depression leads to all sorts of things that contribute to weight gain… chances are every time you give this person a hard time, they end up eating their feelings literally and as such you’re only making the whole situation worse. Just like bullying an anorexic to put weight on, only makes them depressed and causes their problem to get worse, triggers binging and vomiting! You can’t bully someone into getting over something like this… it’s just not possible.
I’d suggest you just stepped away from this persons life if you don’t want to be a part of it while he’s over weight. Or if you don’t want to remove them from your life… try being a bit kinder in your approach. Maybe next time you go for a walk, invite them to join you. Or offer to make them a meal once in a while, perhaps they live in unhealthy food as it’s easy to access and something fresh, healthy and tasty would be something they would welcome as a kind gesture, you don’t have to be obvious that you’re trying to improve their diet… but you’d know that for at least those meals their calorie intake was lower. Maybe pop in with some ‘extra’ fruit and veg you think they might enjoy snacking on, and perhaps they would rather have that apple or a few grapes instead of a packet of crisps or a chocolate bar 
If they don’t feel pressured and that you’re constantly judging them, perhaps they can change their lifestyle.
Subtle help is a lot more effective than telling someone they disgust you (and whether you use those words or not is irrelevant… that’s what everything you’ve said and done boils down to)
So first off, this post seemed to be more worried about how their weight causes you problems more than causing them problems in which I can say, if you don’t like it don’t talk to them. Secondly, it’s great that you care about them and have concerns for their health but you will never change someone… They can only change themselves and you reminding them about it probably makes it worse. Weight gain and mental health issues/ depression go hand it hand and instead of being encouraging you’re taking it to them in a way that probably makes them depressed and eat more. People don’t understand the difference and how it plays such a role on our motivation. You’re worried? BE ENCOURAGING. Don’t fucking tell them they’re going to die and blablabla. Look at them and say “listen, I get it’s hard but I am right here for you every step of the way. Only you can change this and you got this!” Cuz I’m not going to lie, you sound like a grade A selfish bitch. I’m not saying you are one but I can definitely see why you wanted this post anonymous.
When a person is that far overweight it is very difficult for then to do much of anything. They likely need a diet and exercise plan but the problem is motivating them to do so. If you have offered to help them get on a plan maybe even do a plan with them and they still don’t want to do it then chances are they themselves have just given up and there likely isn’t anything you can do for them. Sometimes you just can’t change their mind. The best I can say to do in that case is if you are an individual that believes in God I would suggest just keeping them in your prayers and believing for a miracle.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I am concerned for my morbidly obese family member: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
Asking them what kind of funeral they want is exactly why you are disgusting!
Sounds like you’ve tried everything you can think of. This may sound harsh but this person knows the repercussions of what they’re doing. If they’re not willing to get help, then that’s their choice and it’s on them. I certainly wouldn’t be going over there to clean though I’ll tell you that
You are a bad person
cut them out. if they dont wanna help them selves there is nothing else u can do
U can’t help someone that doesn’t want to be helped or won’t admit they have a problem. Wean them away. Ur kids won’t be there forever and then it will all be left to u!
As hard as it is, you have to stop helping so much. They have an eating condition and by doing everything you are enabling that. Have a hard heart to heart and explain that you will not enable them and help them die.
While it’s difficult to watch someone deteriorate like this, sometimes you just have to let go. Food is an addiction and you can’t help those who are not ready. This person is full of excuses. They’re not ready.
Stop helping them. Your help is enabling their behaviors.
Food is like any other addition & the last thing you want to do is enable that addiction. Your family memeber needs to want to change. There are services to help clean the house, run errands ext. If it was me I would get the information for those & give it to them. You are not a bad person. Asking someone what kind of funeral they want when their choices are leading them to the grave is a very real question. If you don’t want to be a part of that anymore or have your children be I would explain that & do what you need to for YOUR family. You can love someone and still chose to love them from a distance because of their choices.
You cant change someone. They have to want it for them self.
Honestly just like an addict you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. I agree that asking what kind of funeral is mean but she had every right to say because for some people that’s what it would take for them to realize that they need help. You have tried but you can’t change it. Remind them that you love them and want to help change so you can spend more time with them in life.
You don’t think this person is well aware that they are overweight? Do you really think it’s your place? They live with it daily and you opening your mouth is disgusting. They are their own worst critic and you thinking you are helping is ignorant. Mind your business.
Obviously, this person needs help but so do you. You block your blessings by helping others and then complaining about it. If you don’t sincerely wanna help then don’t. I wouldn’t want anyone doing anything for me that they didn’t wanna do and definitely wouldn’t wanna feel like a burden to anyone. People esp family just isn’t like it use to be. People use to genuinely care for each other. Don’t be so quick to offer to plan someone else’s funeral as you may die first whether you’re overweight or not. I hope the person sees this and never lets you nor your children back into his/her home again.
You ever think they could be depressed? Asking ab their funeral wont help w that:woman_facepalming: its their life leave them be … if you are just gonna be ugly then its probably best 
try some actual support! Disgusting… u can just stop helping them… dont make it worse
Tell them when they want your help you will be there. Then walk away from the situation. Say no when they ask for something. You dont need to docfavors for anyone whether that’s running errands or gardening or housework. You are not obligated to do it. Its enabling their addiction. Stop it. If they want to pay someone they can pay a professional cleaner, pay for a taxi/uber etc etc
It sounds like you’re enabling them as hard as it is it’s really not your responsibility. You can’t jeopardize yours and your family’s mental well being for someone who doesn’t want to help themself. The people saying your a bad person clearly doesn’t get it you definitely didn’t start asking what funeral they want and that’s harsh reality sometimes people need that to wake up.
Set boundaries, you’re enabling the behavior just like you would an addict.
Maybe there is an underlying condition or reason as to why they are, the way they are? I know it sounds kind of childish in sense, but if you’ve ever watched my 600 lb life, or even the 1000 lb sisters, theres USUALLY some type of traumatic experience that happened that possibly led them to where they are today, and that would be the first step. Is actually taking the time aside, and figuring this out. In another sense though, i get your frustration because it could seem like they are just lazy from the outside looking in, but im sure theres more reasons to this. Maybe depression or other things that come into play. But from what your post says, it sounds like youve exhausted everything you have and it seems like theres not much else to do but let the person live their life. You have to show tough love. Many people don’t think there is an actual addiction to food, but there most definetly is no matter the rhyme or reason behind it. Be encouraging to them, not downing. And just let them know, you’re not able to tolerate it anymore…
Love them, unconditionally. Don’t force anything on them, you will spend precious time just tearing them apart. I’m sure everything you tell them they already know. We waste so much time projecting our own wants on other we don’t stop to just be with them. Let them know despite it all they are loved. If they want to make changes they will, no amount of talking, yelling or shaming will ever help.
Clearly you’ve never watched my 600lb life and it shows. 
You sound extremely rude. Nobodies gonna wanna change their life style when you act like that.
Asking someone what kind of funeral they want is extremely uncalled for and makes you look disgusting. What is wrong with you. If you don’t like said person then walk out of their lives and leave, you don’t have to act like a nasty person.
You dont have to enable them by doing chores for them,but please stop harassing them. Believe me,they know they are fat and unhealthy. Please be polite and kind.
There are some mental health issues underlying the weight problems and it’s beyond your ability to help them. And yes the way they are able to continue is by having people that help them.
Short of finding an agency to help them it’s going to be tough to fix. You have to be willing to walk away.
Good luck
They won’t change if they don’t want to and it seems like they really don’t want to. Could be some depression going on there too
Food is an addiction, treat them like any addict and stop enabling them.
Imagine being this oblivious to mental health issues.
The more you help, the more you enable what they are doing. If they don’t want to fix their health, that’s their problem, not yours
Maybe they aren’t ready… they aren’t going to take the first step or even try unless they are. Just like an addiction, they have to hit rock bottom and make the decision for themselves. All you can do is support them (don’t enable them) while helping them hit their rock bottom. Don’t go out of your way to help them. Just be there for moral support and hopefully they will hit their bottom and be ready after that
You sound like a nasty Karen tbh
I think you may be reacting angrily to the fear of knowing they are hurting themselves. You see them slowly killing themself and you love them and that reality hurts and makes you mad and frustrated.
You see them not trying. You’ve offered help and they didn’t take it.
What you are asking of them is very very hard. Possibly impossible. I suggest you back off and try spending time just loving and enjoying them for now. Do not make them feel worse about the weight. They know how bad it is, they are living with the pain of their size every day. Can you imagine how hard it is?
Being a person who is a bit overweighted I can tell you it is very hard to lose. But if I was trying to carry around 500 lbs and diet, whoa I can’t imagine how hard that would he.
I can’t tell you they will ever change or lose it but you will forever regret being mad at them for this when they are gone.
You are mad at their weight and bad health. Maybe there is a mental illness you are angry at. But you love this person, remember that and try to be kind to the person.
It sounds like you’ve done everything you can, even going the tough love method, I get the frustration. It’s time you wean yourself away. It is super unfortunate that they don’t want to help themselves, but their decision to not care about their health isn’t on you. You’re not heartless or a bad person, you’re stressed and at your wits end with trying to help someone that does not want to help themselves. It’s time to start taking care of you. Explain to them that you love them but you have to do what’s mentally healthy for your family and back away.
You said it…you CANT help those that wont help themselves. Stop helping them. You have tried several outlets and they refused…their life is on them, not you.
It might be a medical reason why they are so big. My grandmother was 500lbs and it was because of her thyroids.
Why is it up to you to change someone?? I understand your concern. Sometimes the more you push… The more someone pulls back. They know what your opinion is. Just love them for who they are & let them live their life. Let them know that you are always there for them whenever they want the help to change.
Step away. Obviously the more irritated by the situation you are, the more it also seems as if you’re harassing them. Personally I wouldn’t want help from you if it also came with your judgement and harassment.
If their being PAID they aren’t being “taken advantage of” ma’am that’s called a JOB 
. On a serious note though you can’t make NO adult do anything they don’t want to. If it’s that toxic cutt.it.off 🤷 or call Dr. Now
Unfortunately you can’t help anyone who doesn’t want to ti help themselves
Stop telling other people what to do and how to live THEIR life. If you don’t want your kids there fine, but Stop telling them what to do. It’s their life and you aren’t in control of it.
You sound absolutely disgusting and vile
unfortunately, this is none of your business. You vocalized your concern once, that’s all that’s required. A person will only do what they want to do, no matter how many times you voice a concern, argue, offer help, threaten, or fight. The will to change lies within the individual, nothing you say or do from this point out will help or change their point of view. Stop being angry, what good will that do? If they ultimately pass due to this issue, you’ll feel guilty for being so angry with them. Just monitor yourself…… draw a line and tell them no. No need to tell them why— just “we are no longer available to run errands, shop, and clean for you”. Refer them to a home healthcare service or a maid service. The person needing the intervention is you, as you are falling into a codependent pattern.
This is a mental health issue. Why would you ask them about their future real? That just adds more stress to that person. They know they’re obese and healthy. They don’t need you to remind them of that fact. You don’t have to enable them, but it doesn’t hurt to be kind with your words.
You are a piece of poo. I myself, as someone morbidly obese, has been on every diet on the planet. Including calorie restrictions. I have been on several medications in my life that made me gain weight (great side effect!). My doc explained to me that at some point our body just stops. Stops letting you lose weight because your “set point” is too high. I have having bariatric surgery next Monday because I’d like to gain control of my life. However, it’s not easy. Not all insurances cover it either. It’s usually an exclusion on your individual plan. I’m fortunate enough the hospital I work for has the bariatric program in the system and it’s covered with my insurance. Be kind. You don’t know why people are the way they are.
I guarantee you and your “helping” make her eat 
Cut them off. You don’t have to watch them kill themselves and stop enabling them. If someone is toxic, just cut yourself off from their self hatred. They have every excuse and you don’t have to enable. Good luck.
Being overweight isn’t a condition or disease, it’s often times a symptom of something else. If you don’t want to help them, then don’t but stop trying to control their lives. It is literally up to them, not you, to make changes or seek help. You offered your opinions more than enough and it’s obvious the opinions are not welcome. You either love them and spend time with them or you don’t. Being overweight, Even dangerously so, should not be a condition on how you treat someone. As I said, you either want to help or you don’t, you either want to spend time with them or you don’t. 🤷
Some of y’all butt hurt over the funeral question, but In reality that’s what’s gonna happen if the person doesn’t make some changes, I got a brother who is big big and he knows what the consequences are but does he care nope not at all, we tried to get him to do better but there is a point you just gotta let go and let them do them, but asking what funeral type the want is pretty realistic if you ask me cause I’d want to know what they prefer.
Mind your business. Stay out of it. It’s not your concern
How about accepting them as they are and quit trying to change them?
If they wanted help they can ask for it. Its their life and they can live it as they choose. Show compassion instead of telling them they are going to die. By the way 500 lbs is HEAVY its like carrying around 2 other people hanging on you ALL The Time. It hurts and you cant imagine how exhausting it is all the time. Many are afraid of surgery and for good reason. Obese people are higher risk in surgery. Help them in the house if you want to if you dont thats fine too. Your choice but dont assume she is being lazy.
You need to stop! That’s not going to come off on anyone rather you mean it in a loving concerning way or not! You need to try to become more positive yourself and not let other people’s life styles effect you so much!
I’ve lost a family to this condition. Massive heart attack at 44. Weight was 588lbs. 
Sadly, unless they want help or to change, you can’t do anything. It’s hard to watch someone kill themselves & not care. Smh
I didn’t read the entire post but it seems like you need to mind your own business
If you don’t want to help, don’t help. Period. You don’t have the right to tell another human being how to exist in their own body. Are they using their body to physically harm you? Do they have dependents they’re neglecting? If not, back off. You’re not their parent and they’re not a child. If they want to be healthy and they’re not, they have to be the one to ask for help, and no amount of bullying is going to make them want to. Not everyone is motivated by insults and “tough love”. Maybe they are depressed. Maybe that makes it impossible for them to get up and do things. Look up executive processing/function disorder, rejection sensitive dysphoria. Sometimes all you’re doing by pushing them too hard is making them spiral down into worse depression, dissociation, etc. If you don’t want to be there, if seeing them in this state is harmful to you, cut off contact for a while. But obviously what you see as helpful isn’t doing anything but frustrating you and them.
Hey girl… don’t bother ,it’s obvious that you care and Love that person. But your family function and Love can’t be put in a halt just because of them. I know how it feels. Just let them go. They keep calling and asking because that person knows that you will say yes or your kids will say yes. Sorry sometimes you need to step away.
If that makes me a bad person for saying this … then so be it. Sometimes staying a way for a little bit for your own mental health is fair. Let them be there and think of what choices their choices has taken them too. That person can’t make a change unless they want it . Because all your family is doing is enabling everything for that person.
For now step away… When they call for help to clean , food or something don’t answer . Of course unless it’s an emergency 
give them time too.
Much hugs and Love your way…
They know and have made their choice. Your badgering them will not improve the situation. You have to be supportive and loving and that’s all.
You can’t help them, if they won’t help themseves.
Food is also an addiction. And a pretty fucking hard one since you can’t live with out food. Hopefully this person can find a good relationship with food one day, pray for them be kind to them, they have already put them selves down more times than you can ever ever say out loud. I personally had a different addiction(drugs and shopping) and had to find my way to recovery with people loving me not enabling me. But putting me down just prolonged everything because I already did that enough. Praise something this person is good at. Show them that they have some worth left. Try Over eaters Anonymous or anything as a suggestion but don’t force it. It’s very hard to watch someone you love struggle especially with obesity. But saying things like you won’t make it and you’re lazy etc Is the least helpful. Have your kids do tasks together with this person or you do it with them. Show them they are worth getting better and healthier. Not that they are worthless. Include them in more things so they get distracted from shopping. Make them go out with you somewhere they want to enjoy like a movie or river or something.
I’m over weight now, and my kids show me that the world has more to offer than drugs and shopping and eating all day. But I decided to get the help. So idk just be supportive to this person. It’s difficult I’ll pray for you
This is a mental health issue. Not laziness. Take it from someone who suffers from bipolar and binge eating disorders. No one is going to force that person to get help. Stop being available to help clean or shop or anything like that. An intervention might be helpful. But until they want the help…: there’s not much else you can do. Call and check up on them. Tell them how much you love them and that when THEY decide to get help, you’ll be there.
Just back off and let them do as they please. Sad. You have done your best. Just pray for them.
From my experience, an addict will not change because you want them to. They have to want it or you are wasting your time. All of these things going on are starting to affect your mental health. I would sit down with your family member and lay your heart out. Get it all off your chest. Let them know that you will no longer enable their addictive behaviors. You have a family that needs you and your attention. Let the family member know that they can hire someone else to come in and clean for them. If none of this works…. I would seriously consider contacting adult protective services. APS may have some resources to help them. Good luck to you.
Sounds like you just wanna complain… if you’re that mad don’t let your kids do it. Otherwise shut up.
Do you honestly believe that this person doesn’t already know all of that about themselves to some level. Obviously to get to a point like that, something or somethingS in their life have become unmanageable.
Cut them out of your life! Seriously! They don’t want help. They want to live a life like that then let them live it! But your kids don’t need to see or be a part of it at all!
You are the one in the wrong here. If that’s the life they chose let them live it. We do things for family even when we don’t want to just for their sake. This person obviously don’t want to lose the weight and you are making life harder buy throwing things in their face
I would quit visiting this person and no longer contact him/her. I wouldn’t want my kids around someone that lazy much, anyway. They’d be the perfect example of how not to be. I couldn’t just accept that someone I care about gives no fucks to care about himself/herself or cleanliness. It sounds beyond help. There’s nothing you can do. And no, you are not a bad person for any of this. I understand it gets frustrating and sad watching someone waste away as nothing. I’m one to help, but I will stop after a certain point.
An intervention is not going to work. Nothing is going to help them if they don’t want the help. Unfortunately this is the lifestyle they choose, whatever underlying mental issues go along with it. I would quit enabling them though
You’re a wonderful family member for caring so much about your family. Unfortunately, at that weight and obvious denial, you can’t do anything. I would stop letting my kids go over there and explain to your family member you’ll help them in other ways that doesn’t enable a devastating lifestyle.
Pull back, focus on your kiddos and yourself. You can’t fight someone else’s battles.
No one at 500lbs is healthy, morbidly obese isn’t healthy and to continue to try and say otherwise is fueling toxic positivity and probably contributing to people thinking it’s totally fine to continue their lifestyle and impose upon others.
That family member needs to be left in misery. They’ll decide if they don’t want to be there anymore, and that’s when you can start helping them AFTER they’ve started helping themselves first.
Sometimes telling people “they need to” do anything just makes them hate us.
Try being understanding, supportive and there for them. Weight isn’t always just because someone eats too much and makes bad choices, often times there are mental health issues associated with over eating. Food addiction is incredibly hard to overcome because well we NEED food to live.
Sounds like whoever this person is has given up on their own life so hearing others tell them they need to loose weight won’t help. Just like any other addiction the “user” won’t seek help unless they want it.
Sometimes you just have to love people from afar. And if their actions have consequences. Then they just have to deal with them!
Don’t let your kids continue cleaning for them. Etc.
Ok you are such a ah. I am pretty sure you are surely adding to whatever anxiety stress or depression they are already feeling. You’re kids are being paid to do a job not being taken advantage of. If you don’t want them earning their money then say no, hire a cleaning person. I wonder would you say the same thing when they are older and get a job? People help my kids all have jobs and are being paid but I feel they are being taken advantage of. They should just be getting a check. This person will get help when they are ready. Not when you or any family member says. So, you can stop being the “nice” family member and just remove yourself and your kids from the situation.
they are aware of everything you said to them, Let it go, because the more you say the more they aren’t going to do anything. Something happen to them to do this & until they get help it won’t change, So again, let it go. and hopefully they will see the light & get help or not, yes they will die…sadly
I wouldn’t use that approach however people are attacking you just like they are claiming you are to them. You can only do so much before you have to step back & say if your not going to help yourself then I can’t keep working our lives around you. It’s not mean or careless to take care of yourself & your home. Just stop helping. It’s going to suck b/c you care but you can’t run yourself into the ground trying to help someone who simply doesn’t want it.
The problem is, is that you think you are helping & you’re not. I am very sure your family member doesn’t enjoy being 500lbs & if it were easy, they would lose the weight. Telling them they’re going to die & asking them what funeral they want is not a nice way. Have you ever been 500lbs? Do you realize how much that affects your body? I don’t even think this family member is lazy, I think they’re just having a really hard time & you’re making it worse being rude & irrational. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want help. It’s sad you see them as a burden to begin with. You have no idea what goes through their mind. Depression takes many forms, & not seeking professional help & living a sedentary lifestyle are two of them. Let it go. You’re doing more harm than good.
Really i couldn’t read the whole post. But something is really wrong with you. U advice someone who is dear to u. But u don’t love that family member as it clear in every word of urs. So mind ur business. Their body their choice.
All these people saying stay out of it need to REALIZE that this person has brought her children and her family into it, therefore putting her and children in they’re business. If this person wants you and your family to continue to cater to them and they’re condition ITS ABSOLUTELY YOUR BUSINESS 
If it’s becoming toxic to you, your kids or your family, ITS ABSOLUTELY YOUR BUSINESS
Now with that being said, you’ve listed above that you’ve offered mental help professionally, physical help with other doctors, dietary help. YOUVE DONE AND OFFERED MORE TO HELP THIS PERSON THAN THE AVERAGE HUMAN BEING WOULD. Much points to you.
However this person seems like they are not interested in help, others helping them in a healthy way, or helping themselves. You cannot force someone to get help or help themselves unless they TRULY want it for themselves. You’ll literally kill yourself trying to help someone that doesn’t want to be helped.
So if this person and situation is toxic to your family, despite them being family themselves, id suggest cutting them off and loving them a distance.
They are clearly hurting themselves with they’re life decisions. That doesn’t mean you or your family has to suffer as well.
As much as this person has MADE IT your business, I’d wash my hands of it all if I was you.
Just like Blm aND critical race theories, why should we ashere to this crap. But! Objective reality is still reality. And you’re going to have to accept what happens when it does, and you aren’t a victim
It’s their lives…not yours. You cannot force someone to change ANYTHING about themselves, because YOU want them to. They need to want it for themselves.
Eating is an addiction and if they’re not ready to stop they will not. More than likely the online shopping is because they have issues being seen in public so then it also goes into a mental health issue and not everyone is comfortable with going to therapy. The way I see it is you have two choices: you can continue as you are, or you start cutting back on their resources since they’re being used as a crutch. Both choices have consequences in the life and health of this person
I mean, you’re putting yourself in this position then blaming them. There’s an easy solution here. I don’t think you want the solution though. I think you want to exert your will. Maybe you should examine why that is.
It’s time!! Time for “TOUGH LOVE” to kick in and take over ! 
Step out of their way.
As they have their own addictions for whatever reasons…
So do you, in trying to save them…
You cannot save someone that does not want saved.
It’s hard. But start saying no for household help with no explanation because it won’t make a difference.
You take care of you and your family…
How about leave them alone, you can’t help everyone, especially people who don’t want to be helped, you’re just adding unnecessary stress on somebody that never even asked for your help in that aspect.
Do you know if this person has maybe tried these options an has am underlying medical condition. Maybe they have tried what you are offering in the past and it never worked
Also the surgeries are almost out of the question if their health is bad.
Stop it. Stop all of it…the criticizing, the education, the sending the kids in to help and mind your own business. Let your loved one live thier life. Love them how they are.
They need counseling from a professional
Sometimes there is more going on that we do not see.
Maybe it’s not your place to try to get them to lose weight. That is a personal choice and one that, by the sounds of it, they don’t want to make.
At some point, you need to cut your loses and let them live their life. They’re an adult. Maybe you constantly bringing up their weight isn’t helping them in wanting to lose it and become a healthier version of themselves.
It’s not up to you to change them.
Quit judgement and quit telling, not your place, just ask if there is anything you can do and do it if you are willing. Be supportive not controlling. Don’t enable but don’t make them feel less than or under you. I’m not a fan of interventions from non professionals in the field of the problem. Be careful that your help isn’t a hindrance, sometimes people take over instead of help, that changes the dynamics of how things work and results in the inability of a person with a disability to manage things like before. For example leave things on the counter don’t put them out if reach or stuffed in a drawer. Leave things so they are still able to function.
Depression can cause people to gain that much weight. How about not judging them and making it worse?
I cant believe what i just read 
being reminded your fat does not help and asking how you want your funeral to be DEFINITELY does not help!! Maybe your the one that needs therapy To help you deal with your family member not wanting help.
Here’s what I’d do, or would’ve started a long time ago…its clear you care about them, if they are so big that they can’t move around, they rely on others to get fed etc…start bringing them healthier foods as a start rather than whatever they’re used to being served. They’ll eat it or not…but its a small thing that You Can Do to help them!! Good luck!!!
You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves.
Well…unfortunately they are cutting their own life short!!! Sounds and looks like they may be headed towards ‘no return’!!