I am a widow with three proud kids. I am in a relationship now. My boyfriend is a widower with two sons. We stay all together. Since the first, I met my bf…i treat his sons as my kids as well. I treat all of them with discipline. Just for info…my bf’s sons like to lie and make up a story…especially the eldest one… many times he broke the rule. Since I teach all of them about the value of honesty and reward and punishments, so my bf’s sons always get more punishments ( the punishment: NO cellphone NO PlayStation.) Since that time. Slowly but sure…his eldest one told his dad in front of me two times on different occasions that he wants to kick me out from their house. I did not feel hurt etc, because I thought he was just a kid ( 15 years old). But when one day he asked me directly that I should leave their house next year. I feel he is over the line…so disrespectful. Please … I need some advice on how to treat him…thanks a ton in advance
He is probably acting that way because he misses he mom. And maybe he thinks your replacing her.
This sounds like something your boyfriend should deal with. If he has issues with you, those issues are only going to be exacerbated if you’re the one punishing him. I think you should talk to your boyfriend about the situation and let him deal with it.
You can’t just come into their home and start disciplining them. How would you feel if a woman came into your home and started taking your stuff because you don’t follow their new rules. Try building some respect first.
He is not your son he’s your boyfriends and your not his mother dicipline your own children you seem harsh with his ways imaybe you should learn to respect each other first .He won’t accept your ways
Honestly I’d want you to leave too if I was him
You’re just the GIRLFRIEND but trying to act like mom and queen of the house
I have questions
#1 how long have you been in a relationship.
#2 is this the first relationship his father has been in since his mother passed?
#3 how long has it been since his mother passed.
This could be just a disrespectful kid. It could be. But it also be a kid that is dealing with grief of losing his mother. Dealing with the fact his father has moved on.
Dealing with the fact that someone else is playing the role of his mother.
Also. If he’s your boyfriend not husband. Maybe it’s best you let the father parent his child for now.
He feels you’re taking his moms place. You have to be gentle with situations like this, otherwise, he will always have hard feeling toward you. Maybe you should try to build a relationship with him first, I agree punishments should be put in place, but maybe let his dad be the one to do it until he is comfortable with you.
Tell him to move out if he doesn’t like it
15 and full of emotions. Just talk to him. You said both widowers, he CANT get his mom back so I’m sure that is a tough one already on top of adding additions to the family. Its probably hard seeing his dad with another woman thats not his mom. Maybe try talking to him about his feelings, WHY he feels that way and what YOU BOTH can do to work on it.
And also talk to your boyfriend.
I honestly feel like that’s something your boyfriend should be speaking to his boys about. It isn’t really your place to be disciplining them considering you are just the girlfriend as of right now living in their house. It almost sounds like they miss their mom and might feel as if you are trying to replace their mom so they act out like that
1st Why is there a MALE on this page laughing?
2nd, I think if you want to discipline, do it along side your boyfriend so they don’t resent you. If they are to be disciplined it should be the father and you standing by his side supporting him.
There’s not enough info, like how long have y’all been living together. But understand that young man probly misses his mom and your the one he takes it out on. Maybe have a family meeting to see why he feels that way. Has he always treated you this way or is it new behavior.
Its difficult punishing other peoples children, try and connect with them , show them you are not trying to replace their mum…have your own relationship with them, you are the adult you show them the ropes…
Also ( i cant tell) but if they feel in any way that you consume all their dads attention or that you are just taking over their lives its going to cause great havoc. Boundaries need to be established from both sides , respect and your own unique relationship needs to be established especially knowing and establishing where your place is in that environment…Gentle approach 
Good luck !
He has every right to feel angry and pissed off… maybe try to have a real heart to heart with him and also give him space…
I ran into a similar situation and the Dad should 100% take care of this situation. He should also do all the discipline action with the boys. Boys try to test the Moms/ stepmoms and have no respect for them. They will listen to the Dad.
I called my momma a fool (jokingly) once and she popped me in the mouth.
I was shocked but I never did it again.
Now I know (since I’m daddies little princess) he wouldn’t let that fly with anyone but my momma.
I’ve never been a step or had steps but I know it would take a long while for me to be comfortable with someone else disciplining my kids, hell sometimes I don’t even like it when my husband does it but they listen better to him than they do with me.
Take it up with your husband he needs to back you up since he’s probably the one they respect most.
I know for sure if my parents had broken up I’d give my stepparents the hardest time ever.
I’m a huge daddies girl and my mommas my hero.
Granted if my husband and I were to break up I’d demand(as long as she treated them as her own, discipline and love) that my kids treat her with respect.
Try to put yourself in their shoes, it’s just as hard on them (if not, harder) as it is on you.
Honestly I feel like you definitely went too far. You’re both widowers and yes you love them as your own but you need to remind yourself that they aren’t and they lost their mom. I feel like the father is amazing for listening to his son and doing what’s best for his kids
Hes hurt. Try to understand it from his perspective. You’re not his mother. Not to mention teenage boys are ass holes. They have way too many hormones than they know what to do with. Find away to bond with him. Just dont expect it will change over night. Be patient.
Good thing you didn’t marry him- if he cannot get his kid under control you’re better off not with him
Why are you disciplining his kids as just a girlfriend?
If he asked you to leave, pack your bags.
As a single parent, if the kids in the home don’t like the partner it’s the parents duty to remove them if it’s unhealthy and problematic:
Even if you’re the authority figure and they’re spoiled.
Their house their rules unfortunately.
And you should be grateful? You have moved in 4 people to their home of 3.
I’d be bending over backwards to make things work and if you’re asked to leave you should start making those arrangements
You are just the girlfriend, leave it up to the dad to discipline
It must be very frustrating for you. I don’t have experience with step-kids or being a widow, but I do have experience with being a child and having a step-mom and losing my mom at a young age. Try to see from his perspective. The best thing you can do for him, as hard as it may be is to be patient, compassionate and understanding. His mom died, that alone is HARD. He is a teenager, that stage of life is HARD. His dad is with someone new, that is HARD. I think it is a beautiful thing that you accept the boys as your own, but just understand that he is struggling as much as you, if not more. Good luck.
People keep saying are not his mom,so I guess u should stop cooking ,cleaning and taking care of the house ,that’s what moms do.i f u do these things you should be able to discipline too.
He’s prolly feels ur taking his moms spot, and that could be where it’s all coming from . Try to talk to him before punishment
Treat him as you would hope a woman would yours if yours lost their mother, heartbroken, confused, angry, hurt… love is all. Otherwise leave.
You must find common ground, with him. He’s hurting, he needs one on one time with you.
Why are you moving kids in with a boyfriend? Maybe fiancee but not boyfriend. You do not get to discipline those kids. You came into THEIR house and made rules that you want to enforce but that is not ok. You are not their parent, you are just a girlfriend shacking up with their dad…
At no point did she said she’s their mom or wants to replace their mom some of you have trouble understanding that.
If that poor woman turns around and ignore his kids, yall would be the first to come for her.
To answer your question have a discussion with your boyfriend, try to find a common ground. If no solution can be found, move on.
Maybe the problem is he lost his mom. My kids would have a hard time with someone else telling them what to do.
I normally keep my moth shut on this page but I see all the time on this page where a step is attacked and told they arent the parent they should never discipline the child because it is not there I am a step mom I have biological children as well and I have also helped raise kids since I was 13 and let me tell you if a child is in my home or in a home I share with someone I will discipline them (taking things away and or time out grounding) because I am the adult these are the house rules and every adult should be able to have some authority or the child will never respect the other adult living in the house (even just a roommate situation) and the child/ren should be told that they are to listen to other said adult
Try positive reinforcement. You cant make anyone “like” you. Pick up a book or go seek some professional help of you really want to work on things. It sounds like you both need a little more understanding of the situation.
I love Selounge Benjamin post she’s right. If she can’t discipline then she stop taking care of his needs.
So from a kids point, I hated when my stepmom tried to act like she was my mom. She tried to force us to go to church and her family and even her sometimes would act like they were better then us. So from the start of her and my dads relationship I didnt respect her because of how she acted when we first met. Now as a stepmom today I have an amazing relationship with my daughter. I have been in her life since she was 4 months old and she respects me. Yes I correct her if she does something wrong. But we have a very special bond with each other. So if I was you, I would take a step back and get to know the kids a little more. And form a bond with these children. If you dont change your ways they will probably always not care for you. I know this might sound harsh but I never liked ny stepmother because of the way she acted. Even as an adult we didnt get along. And I also didnt like how she treated my sisters or my moms side of the family.
Not trying to sound mean or anything but I wouldn’t discipline my future step daughters because that’s not my place just like I expect the same with my daughter’s stepmother. The boy probably misses his mom…try to have a talk with him or go on a fun one on one day to bond some.
Open communication and a sit down with Dad. I don’t know how it hasn’t come to that before it escalated this far. He’s 15 and resentful. Some ground rules and cooperation would go a long way but it has to be mutual and supported by Dad.
I would talk to your boyfriend about it and figure out how you can both handle the situation.
I myself, and my two daughters live with my boyfriend who has two children also. Blending families is a situation all in its own. One thing thing that I can say is you and your boyfriend HAVE to be in common ground. The fact that his son told his dad in front of you that you should leave shows me there is no sort of “team” with you and him. He should of stood up for you and handled his son. My advice on how to treat his son… give him his space…and just be a sounding board at the moment. Try to just connect with him as another person and no another child you have to discipline. He feels threatened, and I’m sure he’s hurting because his mom is gone. Just be a friend right now, gain his trust, try to understand him and hopefully your relationship can grow from there. But you and the boyfriend need to have a conversation on how you are going to handle ALL of the kids. And things can constantly change… so it needs to be a discussion that should be had when one way isn’t working. Best of luck. Don’t give up on your man because the kids are acting out. If you are in a loving caring and honest relationship, the kids will come around.
To take a teenagers phone and PlayStation even duh ur nothing to him, ur a girlfriend not he’s dad new wife so ur not he’s step mom, ur asking for trouble taking he’s shit and discipline all of them?? U sound like trump. Get a grip.
Everyone saying she’s just a live in girlfriend, grow up! Obviously the relationship is serious enough that they are living together. She has every right to help discipline these children. Just because they aren’t married doesn’t mean she should just ignore them and let them walk all over her! You have no idea how the father feels. Maybe he doesn’t discipline at all maybe he puts it all on her. Marriage means nothing. You can’t live in a house full of kids and only treat yours a certain way. This man moved her and her children in so obviously he wants her there as a part of their lives.
Been with my guy 8 years. I don’t even try to discipline his daughter who lives with us full time. I never got backed up so it’s on him. I’ll step in when he needs it. Your kids love you unconditionally. Step kids don’t even like us sometimes. It’s hard but keep trying🙂
Family discussion time 
make sure you and bf are on the same page
I am kind of in the same situation. I cook, I clean, I do all the laundry, grocery shopping, I used to get them up and ready for school. Take them to school also. All of this, and I work 40 hours a week. I come home and they have left dirty dishes everywhere, stuff is everywhere, and all they did was sit and watch tv all day! I then start cleaning up everything, cooking , laundry, feeding their dogs. I’m the mean time my daughter does her own laundry, cooks for herself, works, pays for her own car and phone and his kids have no responsibilities! He has now moved his 20 year old son back in and no one asked me. Being in this position is very hard because I am not supposed to ask his kids to do anything. When he talks to them they lie and then accuse me of lying! He takes there side every time. I am not supposed to clean when they are at our house because apparently a magic fairy comes in and cleans up all their messes. If this is a new relationship I would tell you to run. I have been with him for 5 years and it only gets worse! Kids who are not taught to respect adults in their house and to take care of things in their house are going to have issues respecting other adults outside of the house. They do not appreciate anything I do for them and have zero respect. I feel your pain. You are not a horrible person! You are trying to run a household!
They’ve lost their mother and for you to come in as a “girlfriend” to discipline them is wrong. Your place is only to love and care for them. Disciplining should be left to their father. You can discuss the bad behavior w their father then let him take it from there.
Honestly…you have no business parenting his kids. Unless you’ve been around since they were very young, that’s their father’s job. You said his mother has passed … perhaps he is having emotional issues and is/was acting out differently than your kids when they lost their father.
You need to talk to his father and his FATHER needs to handle not only his disrespect towards you (IMHO I don’t think saying he doesn’t want you there is all that disrespectful given the circumstances…) But any rewards/punishments for both of his kids. You can both agree on rules that all kids have to follow the same, but if a rule is broken DAD has to hand out the punishment.
Yes this boy is entitled to his feelings. But he is JUST A BOY 15! I went through the same thing at that same age. Yes I was resentful at the time, but I never disrespected him. There is absolutely no reason to be rude and disrespectful and treat adults like that. You know damn well if we acted like that as kids it was our ass. Growing up then if you misbehaved no matter where you were, an adult corrected or yelled at you. Every neighbor on the block did this. AND told your parents. AND they thanked them! Talk to the father, get on the same page then talk to him as a team. This has to be defused before it wrecks your relationship. No matter what kids need boundary’s and rules. It never bothered me if someone had to correct my kids on the spot. It helped teach them respect for adults. AND stay out of trouble because of it. Yes, today is a different time from then. But we shouldn’t lose those values. Good luck, God bless
You know what people seem to think because kids are younger they should just respect you. Well…its earned in both ways. How about you establish a relationship before turning into the wicked stepmother.
I dont think you’re wrong for wanting to have rules and consequences but how were your rules and consequences different from what they were used to? Big changes are NEVER easy. They’re hard and everyone reacts differently. It’s possible that he feels like you’re trying to replace his mom. It’s possible that he’s just hit the rebellious age. Or a combination of all three.
I would suggest implementing an economy rewards system instead…have him earn the privileges for good behavior rather than taking them for bad. See if spinning the rules in a more positive direction makes a difference
Hes dad needs to deal with him not you Especially if there mum has died.
Just out of curiosity, how long has it been since their mother’s death? I mean that’s not something that you can overcome just like that. If it hasn’t been that long, that might be why he feels the way he does. Your boyfriend needs to step up and maybe take the boy for counseling. All of this might be too much for him.
How long have yall been together?
How long has their mother been passed?
I would suggest sitting down and talking with your boyfriend. Get on the same page. If yall can get on the same page. Sit all the kids down and let them all know the rules. Let the all know the consequences if a rule is broken. If yall cant get on the same page, yall might need to move on.
Children, regardless of age need Love and acceptance not just another adult in their face barking out orders. Please understand that your attitude sets the stage for his behavior try prayer and Loving kindness. He is a child not yet sure of his own feelings much less being told how to feel or his feelings are meaningless. Respect is earned not demanded. Start with yourself go look in the mirror and ask yourself if you are being Loving and kind or disrespectful to him lead by example not dictation you will be amazed at the turn around in behavior. Love works pass it on:pray:
PS the only one truly in control is God try him makes life so much easier.
Children are still developing and emotions are hard for them. At this age they NEED structure. Men are usually more laid back than women in these scenarios. I would recommend talking to your man and telling him how you feel. Make ground rules together. Then sit down with the children TOGETHER… and spell out what is expected for them and the consequences for their behavior… all of them together, that way the 15 year old doesn’t feel singled out. The father needs to make it a point to tell them you’re not going anywhere and to cut out that nonsense and stand his ground. Might I also add in the suggestion of counseling for the son? He sounds like he has things he needs to work thru. Children should respect their elders.
Tell your man to man up, let him set his children str8!!
Um. My boyfriend lives with me and my 4 almost 5 year old son. And I would be very angry if my son talked to him that way and he disciplines him as well. I wouldn’t want it any other way. It’s not the child’s house or the child’s rules it’s the dads house and the dads rules so as long as she is following dads rules then there should be no problem. Dad needs to back her and have a talk with the child. No child should ever talk to a adult like that.
You’re the new attachment. You don’t call the shots. I don’t blame the kid. I’d be telling you to leave too!
My now step sons used to give me a run for my money. Before their dad and I got married, they used to tell him to leave me and did everything they could, to cause problems. Now, 14 years later, we have all grown and get along great. They were 6 & 8 when I met them, the tough times went on for quite a few years. It’s hard trying to parent a child that’s not biologically yours. Good luck.
I get it. Try talking to your bf about it, as a step mom I would only discipline direct disrespect to yourself. You have to stand your ground but his father should be the primary disciplinary person. Talk to him…let him do the dirty work.
U punish his kids 
I would have booted your ass out the door a long time ago
It is your boyfriend’s job to discipline his kids. If son lies leave dealing with it up to the father. Your job is your kids. Your stepson has lost his mother. That is trauma of course for him. The more you punish him and be controlling the more the boy will resent you. If you marry the boyfriend and keep disciplining the son he is going to resent you even more. The issues you have with step son will cause real trouble eventually with your boyfriend/future husband. He will end up taking son’s part. You knew he had kids when you moved in. Surely you know being a step mother is hard. You can not expect to discipline step kids like your own. It rarely if ever works out if you take lead with step kids.
Honestly not knowing all the facts like when their mother passed, etc makes it hard to give advice. I have been the step mother too, it’s not easy in fact its rough. Their father should be disciplining them if u do it , it makes u look like bad guy all the time.
U need to talk to ur partner about it . Come up with a plan together. If kids see a ripple in ur relationship they will make a wave. Look to God for help and patience cause u will need both
I’d just ignore. Is he in counseling? Sounds like he needs to be. I’m sorry for them taking their hurt out on you.
His father needs to set his butt straight.Not you,he doesn’t listen to you.Dad needs to make him obey rules.He keeps breaking then he shouldn’t have a phone period.
Your boyfriend knows you have trouble with his son. It doesn’t sound like he is taking your part. He knows the son wants you to leave. Your boyfriend is being disrespectful by not correcting his child and he’s allowing his son to tell you more than once to leave. I wouldnt allow my boyfriend spouse to not correct his son and allow his son to tell you to leave. You ought to be upset with the boyfriend. He is slacking.
U cannot just move into children of any age home
And start disciplining and shame on that father for allowing u to.
Ur not his mother. Build care respect love and loyalty before u start trying to replace his dead mother.
He is not ur son. He’s ur boyfriends. It’s that child’s home first evem
If a teen.
Chill out
I think if dad has this idea of making y’all a family he needs to establish that you have authority especially if he does it with your kids. At the same time can you try talking to him (the boy) about how you aren’t going to replace his mom or how he’s dealing and how you feel… at 15 everything is hard already and everything is the end of the world. That he’s the big brother and he has responsibilities to show his siblings right from wrong and maybe all 3 of you can sit and chat. That’s hard position momma but do your best and he may fight it now but he will thank you later on in life. Just always try to speak with love and understanding.
Maybe they need some therapy. Maybe they miss their mother.
Do what my mom did with me and my siblings “just wait until your father gets home!”…”He will get a full report of everyone’s poor behavior today”. Boy did we straighten up that very moment lol
Tell him to take it up with his father and has his dad put him into counseling. Because if you put him there he will not except it. But if dad does he will feel more inclined to.
At that age he is most likely testing you. He most likely feels that because you are not his mom that you should not be punishing him or have any say in what he can and cannot do. It will take a lot of time, patience, and love but it will be worth it. Once he realizes that you love him and aren’t going anywhere and you only want what is best for him then things should get better. Maybe have some one on one time with him like play video games with him and try to bond some. Teenagers emotions are high and their hormones are all over the place, just remember and think back to when you were young. I know when i would get into trouble my dad would ask me what i thought my punishment should be and i would tell him a good punishment afraid that he would add to it if it wasn’t good enough, it was a total mind f***, but it worked really well, i didnt make the same mistakes as i did before if i was the one chosing my punishments.
Your not their mother. If those boys just lost their own mum they certainly don’t need “super mummy” jumping in to scold them all the time. It’s your job to love them and help them heal. Let their father do the punishments
How old is everyone and how long have you been together? That’s important information.
best advice I can give is make sure he has his space where he can have things his way so there is a place in the house that he feels is home, and can get away from you and your kids when he wants. Also, make an effort to do some things that make him want you around but do not try to replace his mom (bake his favorite cookies/meal on occasion, take his side on minor battles with his dad, ect)
Thats a hard one ,I would let his father handle the situation ,hes at the age …just dont feed into him ,just stand your grounds on the rules …you and him will probably never be close ,probably he jealous of you with the other boys
To be honest I was in the same place. C9me to find out the son was being told stuff by his mom that if I wasn’t in the picture his dad and him could get back together. After talking this out with him and his dad things have been great and my husband set her in her place!! So it’s not always the child!! It’s the other parent telling the child adult issues! Listen to the child and involve the dad. You may be surprised what you find out!!
Welcome to teenagers…this is for his father to handle. You are not married to him. So you technically are not a stepparent. I would also not risk damaging his relationship with his father. Marriage is more than “just a paper”. It’s kinda unfair to the kids.
15 years old is a tough age. I was in a blended marriage and I had the hardest time with my 15 year old stepson. His mother hated me which didn’t help things. Anyway, I don’t know how long it’s been since the mother has past but you may need to get a counselor involved. It sounds like maybe son could use some help with losing his mom. Dad needs to be the one to guide him during this time. Best wishes.
First, He isn’t much of a bf if he allows his sons to disrespect you that way. What’s gonna happen if you decide to marry? My advise is to move out and find someone who will respect you and your children. You need to make that straight with him or m8ve out.
A lot depends on the child’s age when he lost his mom and how she passed. Also the age the step mom came into the picture
My mom died when my sister was 6 and she had my dad to herself for six years before he remarried. My poor step mom could not do anything right. I think she thought if the step mom was out of the picture things would go back to just her and dad
Why not have like your own family therapy session in the living room or kitchen and have everyone say their piece and just have you listen to every thing first and see if any doubt’s or worries can be laid to rest and if there’s anything you can do that’ll help them not be “hostile” around you and be able to accept you as their dads partner. And see if they can try aswell.
I have 3 children my oldest is always in trouble with lying and disrespectful behaviour I have tried sentences, grounding, taking away things, etc. I found with her it was beneficial to remove all “pretty” things from her room, posters etc, for every good decision she earns something back. It’s done miracles, she has earned everything back and is keeping it clean and tidy, her responsibility level has tripled in a couple of months. Sometimes different punishments work for different children. #hugs
It’s up to your boyfriend to love and protect and defend you he should have a talk with his son and make him stop disrespecting you if he can’t do that you DONT need him . I was in a relationship like that and my boyfriend didn’t defend me. His kids ran all over me . I finally left then had a nervous breakdown. I’ve never been the same. If he doesn’t defend you please GET OUT NOW!!! It will only get worse and you don’t deserve that!
Good luck with that! Your BF should be the one driving that they treat you with respect. If not, move on. I once dated a wonderful man; polite, well educated, well spoken; but he could never tell the kids about our relationship. I finally just walked away.
All professionals will tell you, in a blended family, the biological parent should do the punishing for their own child. Not the step. Possibly get him into therapy. Have his father only do the correcting…and you correct your own children. The child is growing to resent you…after all he may be suffering from the death of his mother.
It’s not up to his children it’s up to himself the children cannot ask you to leave for make you leave your boyfriend has to be the one to do that so I wouldn’t worry about it till he says it then I wouldn’t be worried about it either I would just start putting money away in my own account so that if something does happen you’ll have a little Nest Egg to move out on since you’re not married and he’s just a boyfriend that you’re living with it’s okay for you to have a separate savings account and I would Bank every penny I could get my hand on
Years ago, I was in a similar situation. The issues with his son ended up tearing us a part. He went on to marry someone his son approved on and she destroyed him - emotionally and financially. They divorced. His sons both left the home to their own lives and their father is now alone. He tells me he regrets what happened, but he has to be a man and protect you…it’s what a MAN does. Don’t settle for less. You are worth more!!
All children are different. They should be disciplined different. They need to be understood as well. Take time to listen to them and their needs. And never dismiss their concerns. Take time to really understand them to build a relationship. Put the same effort in a relationship with his kids as well as your kids and the bf. Blended families take more effort.
It’s not your place to discipline. If you started disciplining them and treating them as your own from the beginning, it doesn’t sound like you allowed time to just build a healthy relationship with them. That is why there is often family conflict in blended families because the spouse skips the relationship building component and jumps straight to being a parental role in their lives. You should step back, focus on your relationship, and allow dad to discipline.
Difficult conversations without emotion… Tough bill to fill- for sure. When u took on your partner, you signed on for the “full meal deal”. In that spirit, the parent prepares the child to go out into the world. That is within the boundaries of reason I think. Your partner having your back, is also essential.
Treat him no different. Your boyfriend should help in that and stick by your side. No these boys are probably going though something. With their mom being gone. Maybe family meeting and my counseling as well. For all. That why the boys causing trouble won’t feel like it is only them.
That is a touchy subject. Clearly the young boy is having emotions he doesn’t know how to deal with. Maybe if you and your husband sit down just three of you and ask why he feels the way he does and try to get to the bottom of it. He could be missing his mom and since he gets in trouble more he might feel you don’t like him. Around that age teenagers start to rebel and push the limits. As a team you and your husband need to nip it in the bud because disrespecting any adult is not okay. Just stand your ground with him but still let him know that you love him but because you love him his actions have to have consequences. Hope that helps and y’all are able to get to the root of the problem. Bless you 
It’s his dad’s responsibility to be the disciplinarian. I know you all live together, but just reading your post you have hostility in your tone. Be understanding, he’s lost his mother and she can’t be replaced. Not to mention I’ve raised 3 boys and they can all be smart asses at 15. Take a stand back approach and let the dad handle it. It’s not you against them. It takes time.
If you don’t love them you don’t have the right to punish them. You talked a lot about punishment but said nothing about love.
It is the father’s responsibility to disapline them. Not yours. You live together your not married. Looks like to me dad wants you to be the bad guy so he winds up looking like the hero. Put it on his father. Let him handle it. It is his children after all
I’m sorry to say this but if it’s just your boyfriend’s house and you’re not his wife then you’re not even a stepmother. Do you suppose the kids recognize a relationship that isn’t committed. If your boyfriend doesn’t stand behind you than the best thing for you to do is to get out. You have to be a unit are you can’t raise those kids. Sorry
His father needs to handle the rebellious kid. You are just his father’s gf not his stepmother. Yoh have no real rights to discipline the kid. If his father is weak, or a kid pleaser, and won’t take a stand, which i think is too late, this can split the two of you. Its happened before. Pretty much like in-laws.
First of all I would not have moved in his house🤔 that was a problem from the beginning! His three children see you as moving in and taking over but I would move out and keep my own home for myself and my children. No hurt feelings! (Why do people feel that they have to move in together with children) I don’t get that part.
You all jump to putting the kid in his place. Have yall thought the kid is hurting, scared, doesn’t want to get close to another Mom and then she leaves him too? There is more going on. Talking to someone might be the answer. He is lashing out for a reason, not just being a teenager. Stop and listen to him.