I’ve been on the fence of whether I want a divorce or not. My husband is the best dad and a great husband, except for a few things. We’ve communicated over and over what we want from each other, and it hasn’t changed. I do everything from the cooking, cleaning, laundry, handling everything with our kids, grocery shopping, paying half the bills, and he maybe cooks once in a while and takes the trash out but moans about it. He is not affectionate whatsoever, and I’ve made it clear that I would like him to try and be more affectionate. I always initiate sex, and if I get lucky, it’s once a week because he is never in the mood. We would never talk or cuddle or kiss if I were just to stop trying. Recently we have discussed changing shifts at work because he is always so exhausted, which is fine whatever, but we would only see each other between 11 pm and 6 am during the weekdays, and we would be off on the weekends. Right now, we have weekday evenings together, and we’re off on the weekends. So he would have no family time in the evenings but on weekends, no dinner with the family during the weekdays, no going to kids sports events with me, and he is fine with that. The only thing he is concerned with is his usual Friday nights out with his friends, which he wouldn’t be able to do anymore. He doesn’t want a divorce, and he knows I’m on my last straw and always convinces me to stay. What would you do?
YouI deserve better
Counseling first always
If he’s a Capricorn forget it that’s they way they are. But she their very loyal
So what makes him a great husband? What makes him a great dad? Maybe I dont know the meaning of great!
I don’t know what i would do…i would go ask everyone else!
Why would he want a divorce when he has you doing all house work, chores and cooking… personally I can’t class a man who can’t pull his weight and claims to be too exhausted to meeting needs a ‘good husband’
Leave him and get him for alimony.
Divorce doesn’t magically make your life perfect. Divorce is hard and it sucks, but so doesn’t living unhappily.
Seems like your doing it all on your own as it is… do what makes you happy
Sounds like my exhusband girl lol LEAVE!! You will be happier without him and if and when you’re ready, there will be a man out there that is everything you ask for and more
Oh good gravy. You want a divorce over Petty crap. Maybe grow up.
Sounds like he has it too easy and is taking you for granted. If you get a divorce he has to clean his own house and take care of the kids on his own half the time. Put you first, or nobody else will.
Sounds like If you leave the only thing that will be any different is you won’t have to listen to him bicker, and you’d just have to pay all the bills ?!
Maybe he’s depressed.??
i love how everyone says give up. that’s so easy to do now. now, relationship are bought Walmart. can return it if you don’t like it.
Sounds like you are normal husband and wife/ mommy daddy to me. That’s how a wonderful life long marriage is usually. It not always romantic and butterflies being husband and wife takes a lot of work but it’s love and understand that holds it together. You can’t give up just because it not always a honeymoon. It’s not always 50/50 but that’s okay if you love each other when you are not on your best day he will have your back. It’s the little things that Count.
Write out a list of everything that makes him a good husband and father. Then write out a list of everything you think makes him a bad husband and father. Have him write out a list of his own of your good and your bad. Take those lists to couple’s therapy and try working through them.
Mine works 3rd shift. I deal with the kids, errands, bills and so on. He does help, i may get attitude but he still does it. Sometimes he’s completely exhausted. He’s also doesn’t show his emtions and doesn’t start sex most times. I mean you either want to divorce him or you don’t. There is no on the fence about it
Podcast: one extraordinary marriage.
Are you his wife or his mama? He needs to pull his own weight and stop relying on you to do everything. He is clearly only concerned with himself.
Good god. So he works, is a great dad to your kids, is in your own words a great husband, but your gonna leave cuz hes an adult that’s exhausted and doesn’t cuddle you or clean? Why would you put your children through a divorce over such petty things?
Put your foot down and make him do stuff around the house. Make sure he knows you mean business and it won’t get done if he doesn’t start helping. Also make him take the kids when he does things like fill up on gas, visit the parents or does any shopping. Also the affection part and very thing is so key in any relationship. I’d definitely try therapy.
I would try counseling and let him know that you are very serious about leaving him if he wont change. And at that point if he doesnt change then I would leave. Might be the best choice for the both of you.
Maybe its time for a doctors visit. Low testosterone, depression, vitamins off so he is overly exhausted…
Maybe he’s depressed. You guys also might just be in a rut . Work through it if you can. It sounds like he cares
If you have a good man to take
Care of you then keep that guy
They are hard to find
I divorced after 23 years. ENOUGH! I HAD ENOUGH. however I warned him for 2 years .DO YOU KNOW WHY NOTHING CHANGED. BECAUSE HE WAS SO CONFIDENT I WOULD ALWAYS GET OVER IT N HE BANKED ON MY FORGIVENESS.butttttt I warned him.i had the divorce papers served to him right in my living room no shit
Since you both want to stay married, how about counseling for you both, and also him–he has some symptoms of depression.
Girlllll… i didnt even finish your 1st sentence and was like… um… yup…please its a wrap… holy shit… how miserable… you deserveeeeeeee to live happy!!!
THAT DOES NOTTTT sound happy .
Remember A hard working man is a blessing. Men don’t show emotions like a woman. He loves you and those kids. You have a wonderful man if you open your eyes. Men like that don’t exist much anymore. And if you think you can find better than you might just get bit when you find you had one of the good ones and it’s to late
What we I do …stay just as I have for 34yrs. Re evaluate my priorities teach the kids some chores and don’t forget to take care of myself. You won’t regret staying in the long run.
Sounds like a normal marriage with normal bumps. No reason to call it quits…lots of things to try before calling it quits…divorce is easy marriage is not
I know everyone is saying to stay because he’s a good guy but how can you be a good mother or wife if you’re not emotionally and mentally happy ? I totally understand both sides. You guys should try therapy and see if that helps. Sounds like maybe you both have different love languages and that’s ok. I don’t think you should stay in a marriage just because he supports you or because of your kids. If you’re not happy you can’t give your 100% to all aspects of life . I’d try therapy , couples counseling and go from there .
What is. Wrong with the woman
Theys days they don’t won’t a good man sad
I see zero reason for a divorce. Sex and snuggles aren’t everything! When you’re 100 who do you want by your side? If the physical side wasn’t an issue what other problems do you have? You need to look at the big picture and realize a good husband provider and father is worth his weight in gold!! Do not throw away a good man over something so small…
Look I honestly didn’t read past the first line but I personally feel that if your considering a divorce then go ahead and take it but you are your own person and y ok u do what you feel is best for you and your children no one on here can tell you what to do
Honestly; this is coming from a female exactly the same as you describe above as far as affection. I was raised by a single father who rarely showed affection. Therefore, I am that way in my relationships. It’s not that I don’t want to cuddle. I just don’t want to all the time. I’m more comfortable cuddling in bed than say on a couch or chair because the fact is; it’s just not comfortable for me. If he didn’t initiate sex, he would never get laid. I don’t have a high sex drive and after being exhausted chasing two toddlers I REALLY am not in the mood. I f’ing hate cleaning. I mean hate so much I would rather pay a maid. So, I don’t expect my husband to do it either. Although, he hates spending the money so he does it. We see each other all the time. I have my time away and he has his. Y’all need some counseling. I don’t think you need a divorce. I think your relationship is evolving and y’all need to figure it out
Seems like he wants everything his way and refuses to compromise to meet your needs. You have to decide if you can live that way forever
Well I would not say hes the best dad if he does not care of he goes to the kids events or not. He should care abt time with tbe kids at the vary least.
Honestly, go have his hormones checked and make sure some of it isn’t a hormone imbalance. Because some of what you mentioned can relate to hormones being out of wack. Exhausted all the time and not showing affection is big signs.
Marriage is not all about SEX
Sounds like my life
My vows said for better or for worse, if he isnt cheating or abusive, it’s worth working on for me.
Have you ever read the book The 5 Love Languages? It’s worth the read. He also needs to read it if he is willing.
go to counseling dont throw away
Janet Jones similar to your old situation
Go to marriage counseling! Do not get a divorce . It really damages kids ( no matter what age they are ) . It is so hard being a single mom ! Plus , if y’all get help and make the changes y’all need to make , the remainder of your life can be wonderful . Trust me , you don’t want a divorce .
So I cant tell you what to do but I can tell you that my fiancee’s schedule recently changed when we moved out of state. He used to work the normal 8-5 mon-fri and now he works 3pm to midnight mon-fri and honestly, I like it a lot better. I get stressed sometimes handling the kids alone when they get home, shower, homework, dinner, cleaning etc. But then they go to sleep and I get my alone time before he gets home, I get to watch crap tv, or youtube videos I get to sit around and do nothing, or go to sleep early. On the weekends we spend time together as a family and it’s really nice. Our relationship has improved a lot with the new schedule. But I like to be alone, so that’s what I was missing…alone time. Luckily he is affectionate, that would drive me nuts if he wasnt but hes also lazy AF and getting him to wake up before noon anyday of the week is like trying to raise the dead…so that PISSES me off beyond belief. But it’s literally THE ONLY THING. Otherwise, hes a great dad, hes loving, he listens, he doesnt get mad about me obsessive or ‘over the top’ obsessions with random things like books, tv shows, lists, or organization, and I know for a fact he would never be unfaithful. So…I can deal with the lazy.
If I got upset over all this with my husband, I would’ve been divorced years ago…I’ve never met someone who annoys me more and I’m sure it’s the same way with him but goodness, that’s marriage. I love him though and I wouldn’t want to break my family up over petty mess. If divorce is what you want, then prepare yourself to split the time with your kids. I can’t stand the thought of not seeing my kids every day…
Why have you not already left this man child? From what you say the only thing he does is maybe mow the yard!? You are pay 1/2 the bills and taking care of everything so he can go out with his boys on Friday night! He needs to move back home to his mother! And grow the flip up!
Imagine if it was a man posting this word for word. You would just down his throat for saying everything you just said you want a divorce over. Get over yourself for one. Suggest counseling or trying to spice things up in your intimate time. Divorce a man just cause he won’t put out. Imagine if the roles were switched and he wanted a divorce from you cause you wouldn’t put out.
Take him out on a date, hell look into toys of some crap for sex. Make things interesting for both of you if sex is such a major factor for you.
Sounds like my husband. But I am in no way thinking of divorcing him. My husband does not show affection at all. We rarely have sex but that’s due to the fact at the end of the day we are both exhausted. But sex isnt everything in a marriage. We rarely cuddle. He stays hot, even if it is cold outside. So when we cuddle he gets even hotter and so it doesnt last long.
My husband doesnt cook. I do all the cooking. He rarely cleans but I don’t mind. He will help when he sees I am overwhelmed. He does take out the trash and take care of the animals. Regardless of his lack of help… I still absolutely love him.
Marriages get rocky sometimes. But if you truly love him and he loves you…it is worth the struggle.
Try counseling first? The thing I don’t like about this is he’s okay with not attending your kids sporting events, but he is worried about missing going out with his friends. Sounds like his priorities are messed up.
You’re too worried about what you want rather than asking him if he’s okay…
Sounds like life to me.
Maybe with all your bitching he doesn’t get turned on?
I don’t see how he could
You sound selfish and seem to give him no credit for putting a roof over you and the kids heads? Grow up love isn’t romance and rainbows every day
Why are all of you okay with settling that this is “life” if this is not what YOU wanted for your life and have been trying to get your partner to help you fix this with no success, then damn rights follow your heart and leave if that is what will make YOU happy. Just because you have kids does not mean you have to stay together, your kids will be happiest when seeing YOU genuinely happy. Try some marriage counseling, if nothing changes - you have done all you can do. The stigma around well this is “life, it’s boring but oh well” is why so many people are so damn miserable these days.
He could help out around the house more. Women are not maids.
Doesn’t sound like a good husband, if he isn’t willing to change or improve then I would leave now…
It’s not petty things
It’s the fact he doesn’t show affection
Hes extremely exhausted
It’s not reason to divorce
Switch the work shift and schedule in a date…do love language and fall in love with eachother again
If u dont wk then get a job so he can cut some hrs
And it will help fo add take out some days out of week and paper plates so ur not so exhausted
Get a hobby
And everyone struggles with spending enough time together…that’s why my hubby takes days off so that we can spend quality time together
I cannot believe all the women putting the OP down for how she feels. I’m sure her husband not wanting to talk to her or touch her is very hurtful. I’m sure him not caring about going to kids sports events and such but is concerned with his boys night out is hurtful. As if his family doesn’t matter but his friends do. And I know she must feel completely overwhelmed taking care of house and kids and working with NO help from her supposed “partner”. I’m not saying divorce has to be the answer but she absolutely has a right to be upset with him and want things to change. Can you imagine how lonely she must feel? And for all of you saying you do everything and your husbands do the bare minimum but you love them so you’d never consider divorce, you seriously need to raise your standards. You’re supposed to be partners, not a slave who does everything on your own. Believe me, my husband gets on my nerves and drives me crazy sometimes BUT he also cleans and cooks and helps with the kids without me even asking because those things are also his responsibility, not just mine.
I have a friend who left because of this exactly… It’s been 8 years and he’d still single because he never changed…
This post is ridiculous. He is pretty much perfect except he is tired from work and you have to initiate sex. Come on, why shouldn’t you? Why should it be all on the guy?? Please take a step back, it seems like the problem is with you not him. Don’t put your family through a divorce over something like this. Sounds like your in a rut. We all go through them.
Sounds like a regular marriage to me, sometimes sacrifices need to be made, not everyone has both parents at sporting events, people get tired and dont want sex, sounds like you are just looking for an out and to pin it on him so you dont look like the bad guy
Try couples therapy if nothing else is working its not for everyone but might be worth going or sex therapy to be more intimate just suggestions
Try marriage counseling. But honestly, with that low of a sex drive I would bet money that he has low testosterone. He should see his dr
He sounds like he’s dealing with depression. Maybe he should visit his doctor and talk about it.
You already know the answer deep down… follow your heart.
Ugh. First of all OP I am so sorry you are having to deal with all the hateful people in these comments. Long comment short, if you are not happy and he is not willing to change it is time to re-evaluate your marriage. That could mean counseling or divorce.
People really don’t take marriage seriously anymore
Honey he doesn’t seem to care about y’alls family…just his nights with his boys.
Sometimes you have to understand that yours and his love languages are different. Look for the way he shows his love. Find the ways that he needs your love. For example, my significant other shows his love with acts of kindness. I explained to him that before I knew that’s how he showed his love, I didn’t feel loved. Sometimes the way you love someone isn’t reaching them because they don’t understand it.
Marriage counselling sounds like the plan, unless of course neither of you love the other. No point staying in a loveless relationship. Only you and your partner can decide this
Maybe he should get his testosterone checked along with electrolytes such as Vitamin D and Iron. Deficiencies can have serious affects on mood, energy, libido, and overall health.
I’d say go for the divorce if it hasn’t changed it never will and the kids are learning that it’s ok to do those things
Ya sounds maybe he needs to cut out those friends nights . And focus more on your needs.
He wants Friday nights I don’t think that is bad. Dr would help to test him maybe something is causing his dormant sex drive. Don’t give up. I worked and did everything around the house. I could have cared less about sex. We did have a son which was a shock that I even got pregnant after 4 years. So work, doing the home duties and our son I was beat (physically exhausted) when I went to bed. So work on your marriage if he cooperates. .
First of all a marriage is 50/50! This isn’t the goddamn 50’s where women “have” to do it you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
Men have to put in their fair share too especially with kids and work involved !!! I completely understand how she may feel burnt out a lot of these comments focus on the sex and it’s not just about that, women Get burnt from doing everything around the house and if you have to work on top of that and take care or the kids then I would pull my hair out too if he didn’t help or show me some damn love
Counseling or move on if he doesn’t help out more!
Did future me write this?! Lmao
So he’s working full time to the point of exhaustion to take care of his family and you are annoyed he’s too tired to bang you? Out of all of the posts I’ve read asking about a divorce, I think this is the most immature
Sounds like you need to weigh your pros and cons. Divorce is hard and a struggle and starting all over with kids will be very tough. I’d say keep a journal write down everything he does for you daily and if that out weighs all the things he doesn’t do than it would be time to either get help or write down all your options. If hes begging you not to leave he may also be asking you for help. Maybe hes depressed or theres something further going on that he needs your help motivating him to get there.
Y’all get divorced over anything
I think that his concern is not having Friday nights with his friends sounds off to me. He has no energy to be intimate with his wife but has energy to hang out with his friends? Maybe Friday nights aren’t with his “friends” I can see having your own time once and a while but when you have a family , having a set night every week seems excessive especially when you know your marriage isn’t stable. From her side of things, he really doesn’t care. She states she does all the house work , takes care of all the kids stuff and provides half the income. In his eyes it’s a win win situation. Does the minimum but bares the most benefits. Sounds like he’s cheating or mentally checked out of the marriage, and at the very least. He clearly isn’t putting any effort in.
Ok. Well, he can’t be a great husband and father and also not participate in your partnership or family. So which is it? Is this behavior new or are you changing the rules now because you’re tired? That makes a difference.
If it’s new, I’d say he sounds depressed. He also sounds bored with life and marriage. Been there with my husband. Marriage requires 2 people giving their all, and sometimes we get complacent. Usually around the 7-10 year mark.
Your options are:
An ultimatum - You make an appointment and go see a dr about your exhaustion and lack of interest in sex, and get suggestions for treatment. And if he feels therapy might be a good option, we go see a therapist together who specializes in both depression and relationships, and decide if you need individual counseling or we just need marriage counseling. And you actively participate in this process for at least 12 months or until we BOTH agree that we are back on track. If you don’t do all of that, I file for divorce because I’m done discussing and waiting. You have 2 weeks to see the dr and report back. That’s it.
Give up and move on (which is lazy, and also the more difficult road)
You try to find passion again. Tell him the desire to be with each other is gone and you want to find it again. That means date nights once a week. No switching jobs. And you both start looking for sexy ways to engage each other. Watch porn together. Go to a bar and flirt with other people together. Surprise each other with a hotel/weekend away. Find a kink you both like. Hell, hire a maid to come clean weekly for a while and maybe your load will feel lighter and you’ll resent him less. Figure it out.
Try everything to make it work or walk away having not tried. It’s your children’s future view of marriage at stake here.
Have you consider a puppy or a big Costco Teddy bear?
So what in all of that makes him a good husband???
Get a babysitter and go on a date or mini getaway! Go back a little to what brought you guys together my might help get the mood going. Sounds like adventure awaits you two you just don’t see it yet!
I would try marriage counseling first plus adding a date night. If he can make time for a guy’s night then he can make time for one on one date night with you once a week. Another idea (along with the other 2 things) is taking a mini romantic vacation if you can get someone to watch the kids for a night or 2. Something to rekindle the spark and spend some good quality time alone.
why would he want a divorce? He has clean clothes, he doesn’t do much at home, warm bed, clean house, & gets to go out with his ‘friends’ on Friday nights . Plus only has to pay half the bills. I would take it too Sorry, but that isn’t a marriage. That’s just 2 grown ups existing or living in the same house
The grass is not greener on the other side. I bet 50% of women van resonate with you about not helping in the house.
Everything in this society has become soo disposable… even relationships.
Everything ( even though it seems like that) is not perfect for everyone else.
Lots of work goes into it.
I’d work it out girl. Marriage isn’t meant to be easy. If it was, the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high. Go to therapy. Read the 5 love languages. Schedule time together. Take a weekend vacation together. Marriage isn’t easy and it takes work. Depression. Finances. Schedules. Stress. Anxiety. Life. It all gets in the way. You have to really want it to make it work.
My opinion is, do what feels right. An unhappy marriage is worse for a child than anything. As long as you both take care of your kid, than it will all be ok. Divorce is something that takes a lot of consideration, and not to be taken lightly. But you need to do what is best for you and in turn best for your kid. Keep that in mind.
If you feel that you’ve put in all the you can and he’s not reciprocating and you stay that will just mean you’re settling for something you know you’re not happy with.
Suck it up for the sake of your kids. They are the ones that suffer irreparable damage when parents split up. You say he’s a great father and decent husband? You want to deprive your kids of an intact family? Bite the bullet girl and act like a grown-up.
He’s not going to change. You’re unhappy. You know what you need to do.
Obviously there is something going on with him . Go see a councillor and try and sort it out … if he has sever depression he might just think there is no point living anymore …
He needs to be tested for low T
You guys need adate night, couple need that, do u have someone that can help u with the kids, that will take the stress off of you, divorce is really hard, alot couple want that new feeling again, thats what happen to me but everything gets old at some point, you guys need to put each other frist, a lot of guys really like hanging out with friends but you family should be your friends frist. Hope this help.
Sounds frustrating. But I did not hear anything worthy of a divorce. Trust me it all did not sound all that bad. The worst part is him going out on weekends without you. Try counseling.
Have you read some of the other stuff on here? Trust me it could be sooo