Y’all my youngest daughter she just turned 17 …I just can’t with her …I’m at a loss .A little back story …she’s actually my niece but I’ve pretty much had her since she was born …Her Dad ( my brother had full custody of her ) Her mom was not & is not mentally capable of raising a childWell at the age of 9 her dad of massive heart attack so I went to court & got full custody of her …My mom & me took care of her & raised her until my mom passed away 5 years ago …Of course I’m single & got other kids but I’ve always treated her like my other kids …She’s my daughter & she calls me mom…I got her into counseling but she told them everything they wanted to here so they told me she didn’t need it … The problem is she absolutely hates me … She can not stand me …She can’t wait to go way to college so she never has to see me again … I’m toxic I’m at a loss on what to do with her … She won’t come out of her bedroom so she doesn’t have to interactwith me …At this point I’m being to feel selfish… I’m 51 years old I didn’t ask for any of this … I took her because I love her & didn’t want to see her throwed from here to there on the street waiting on her mom to get out of prison…I should be thinking of retirement not putting a kid though college that absolutely can’t stand me
The first thing that popped in my mind was that she is pushing you away because she can’t stand the hurt of losing you. You said that she lost her Dad at the age of 9, that is a hard thing to handle for anyone let alone that young. Then she loses her Grandmother. I would have to ask if she has always treated you like this, or when it began.
Help a mama out and respond anonymously on our forum. I am raising my niece but she cannot stand me: Advice? - Mamas Uncut
Let her go… she will come back…
she 17 , almost 18 … tell her to get a job and put herself through college … she is almost an adult … if she isn’t going to treat you right ,she doesn’t deserve the help
I don’t think she hates you. She’s probably confused. It’s a lot of emotion to know that your own parents couldn’t raise you. Imagine being her age with no biological parents. Plus if you’re thinking this how much are you portraying onto her?
I mean don’t put her through college??? See her to adulthood. She will do what every kid needs to as they become an adult. And then she will come back. My niece was a pain in the butt she moved out with roommates for the first time now she loves us again lmao
Just keep loving her, you can’t do much else. She’s at an emotional age… Going away to school will hopefully give her time to grow up and reflect on who had been there for her.
Check out detachment disorder. It was explained in depth to me because I as well thought the niece I was raising hated me.
I mean she’s at the age maybe someone is telling her lies about u? They say there’s always 3 sides to every story? I mean do u really treat her as ur own? I feel there’s more to this than what u have said…
She’s 17! She’s rebellious. She will snap out of it once she realizes that you saved her from a life she may not have wanted. She’s angry. A counselor once told me that kids act out to the ones they love the most because we will take it and take it from them because we love and care for them as well. We love unconditionally, kids do not. Tough love momma.
I was awful to my parents until I moved out. Sometimes having the space gives us the time to reflect on just how much was given to us and provided. I am now very thankful to my parents for the life they gave me.
I fear this will happen to me. I also have custody of my great niece, who believes I’m mom because she doesn’t even know her bio parents. I’ve had her since she was 4 months old. I pray things turn around for you two. Maybe it’s just the teenage years being rough on her. just give her space hopefully she will come around
Yea if she hates don’t pay for her to go to college. She can get her big girl panties on. I did and I loved my parents. Trust me does sound like she will go far. Sit her down and have a talk and listen
I would tell her,well,you can’t stand me?Its time to find a job and put yourself through college.She’s almost an adult.
You’re done your job,let her go and pray, when she has to fend for herself she will find out life’s not a bed of roses.She will come back to you,you have to take care of yourself and your kids.
This sounds like the right age for this sort of thing - let her go. She will come back eventually.
Oh man welcome to the teen years of them biting at the bit to leave home. Let her know you love her and will support her in any way that you can (this is determined by what you want to do) she’s in a lot of pain and lashing out rightly or wrongly at the one person left to lash out at.
Your heart is in the right place. And don’t punish her by not putting her through college. Help her find ways to get her next education on her own. This probably isn’t the best time for her to start college.
Keep reminding her that you love her. Doesn’t mean you like her behavior.
If she never wants to see you again you have no obligation to her after 18 and out of high school. Let her pay for college on her own. That’s above and beyond. For now, no extras. No rides, no car, no phone. Nothing but basic needs. Food, shelter etc. Show her what the real world will be. Make her take the bus, walk, get a job. She’s a teen wanting to be an adult with no idea how hard life is. Inflation is out of control. She will learn real fast and come crying lol
You bring kids up to be independent… she feels she is ready, let her go… when she realises what you have done for her and she needs support she will come back 
Well done you for all you’ve done x
Oof, tough love situation at its finest! Get her through graduation and once she turns 18 she can be on her own and figure out how to pay for college on her own. My mother hated me and when I turned 17 she threw my shit out in the yard and changed the locks, lol. I survived…I know its a different day and age but a little tough live is what she needs.
She’s 17 she will grow out of it, coming from a 19 year old that left home at 17 and now me and my parents have a better bond than ever. Love them💓 this will pass!!
That’s how all 15,16,17 act at times! If she is like your own then treat her as such in this situation…me: I would pay her no dang attn! She needs you before you need her!!! We will be a no talking two ppl until she needs you for something
She is a teenager. Help her get into college by guiding and paperwork. She probably qualifies for grants bases on bio mom and dad.
That’s how lots of teenagers are and given her history it sounds like you’re lucky she’s a good kid still. Your love needs to unconditional not just when she’s not being annoying or acting her age.
Have you ever ask her why she hates you? Does she know that if it wasn’t for you she would be in foster care
Just to encourage you a bit, I hated my mom too at my late teens. I was mean and often talked about how I couldn’t wait to move out and never come back. And at 17, I was never home and always with my boyfriend. Moved out shortly after 18 and we didn’t talk much. Then I had kids and now we’re best friends and I apologize a lot for how I was when I was younger. (And she is my bio mom, so I don’t think the technicalities have to do with what’s happening. Although, I could be wrong)
I truly don’t think she hates you, but I do think she might be showing her aggression to you for the lack of her parents🥺, all you can do is just let her know you love her and are there when she is ready to talk about whatever it is she is holding in. Like you she has some serious emotions and probably a lot more confusion.
My 17 yr old bio daughter feels the same about me. I let it ride and know she will either realize one day she was in the wrong, or she won’t and zi won’t gave the same relationship with her as I do my other kidsm
Don’t put her through college. If she doesn’t like you and can’t appreciate or respect you then she can find her own was as an adult.
You signed up to care for and protect her until she was 18… then your job is over. Let her do her maybe she’ll see her error when she grows up a bit… maybe not.
My own daughter did this to me. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Im 55 and raising my 11 and 6 year old grandsons because my daughter is an addict. I didn’t choose to be raising small children at 55 yet here I am. Sending you love, peace, and moral support. Maybe the two of you need a counselor or a unbiased mediator?
l Get paid over $110 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $14341 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
Go to This. https://IncomeGreat280.pages.dev/
Okay well first of all… she is NOT YOUR DAUGHTER. You need to stop acting like she is.
Imagine being a child and all of this crap happening to you.
It’s not about you. If you want retirement-you shouldn’t have went and got custody of her!
That last line really irks me and it really shows where your fucking head is at.
Your other kids must be younger. Guess what…TEEN GIRLS DO THIS. Think back on you own experience as a teen and how you felt about the world. That helps me not be too in my feels when my 16 y/o ignores me or blows up at me.
Sound like a regular teenager daughter this days 
sad but I seen it so many times with biology parents as wellz
She’s a kid. You took responsibility of a kid. Teenagers do this
I went through the same thing with my niece. She caused me so so many problems. She made counselors look like idiots. Had to hire lawyer to get her out of my house. Ended up back in foster care only to make her foster parents look bad like she did me. Ran away from foster care and got on drugs. 9 yrs later this past Jan she passed away with 5 kids and they were all in foster care. Sometimes you end up getting hurt trying to help the hurt.
She sounds like a normal 17 year old.
Same here accept I took in 5 of my cousins
Shes 17. I think most 17 year old “hate” theor parents. She’s wanting freedom I think. She’ll come around. Sending some love.
Most teenagers hate their mom’s. She will be ok just keep loving her . I wish you guys the best 
it’s a stage… I’ve got 3 girl’s & they can be a handful…
You mentioned her telling a counselor what they wanted to hear, just one? Finding a good counselor is work unfortunately. I wouldn’t give up there. You say you treat her like your own, would you do this to them? If so, go forward with whatever plan you have. If not rethink your statement that you treat her like your own. Sounds like she’s potentially just lashing out at the one she feels safe with, maybe.
My daughter is the same way and will be 17 on the 16th
Yeah, sounds like you love her - but you obviously resent her too. Your phrase about “I shouldn’t have to put her through college”
You adopted her, she’s your daughter!
She’s a teenage girl and most of them hate their moms. I know I definitely did. And honestly I’m questioning you now, because her being difficult is making you say all this, do you make her feel like a burden unintentionally? Could she be missing her birth parents being at a vulnerable age with hormones going nuts?
You sound resentful.
Sorry not sorry.
You DID ask for this.
She’s a teenager whose suffered major trauma. SHE didn’t ask for this.
Teenagers are difficult on a good day.
Just keep being there for her and wait… wait until she grows up. Wait until she’s off to college. In the meantime, maybe try more patience.
Its hard. I have a teen with mental health issues and I have been at the end of my rope a million times but we keep going because WE are the parents.
Ill tell you right now it is 100% normal. From what you have said. Of course we dont know her side and just yours
Sounds like a normal teenage girl.
I recommend listening to the podcast, Parenting with Understanding. They have a whole weeks worth on teens.
She’s a teenager. Who knows what is going on through her head and outside the house.
Child/teen Therapist here. She has been through a lot. There may be anger and resentment and the fact that she knows and trusts you makes you an easy “target” for her to let out these feelings. Please give her the option to speak to someone. Hugs
She came from a dysfunctional life prior to you stepping in. The dysfunction from our past creeps up on us as we grow older, we lose direction. What you did was noble taking her in, but she is searching for answers within herself. It’s not that she hates you, she must be struggling with her own destiny.
I have a 14 year old who acts like she hates me. Teenagers act that way. It hurts my feelings but I remember being the same way to my own mom. But her love and support never wavered and she let me do my thing. I came back around and she was my best friend.
She sounds like a typical teenager to me. She’ll grow out of it in time. Keep loving her just the same because she’ll come around eventually.
Ok…we’ll find out why she has such resentment towards you. Seems like a two way street here. Don’t blame her feelings towards you all on her.
I remember this age it’s rough mama I know how it feels and it seems but I promise she loves you. Just keep loving her best you can
This was a risk even if she were yours. I can see why she has a problem with you. We’ll be waiting for her in our toxic mom support groups. You throw off all kinds of red flags. She owes you because you CHOSE to raise her?
No one owes you a relationship. Get over it. Maybe you should be the one in therapy did you ever think about that?
Sounds like a normal teenager once she moves out it will all change
Sounds like she’s probably dealing with a lot… At 17 your rebellious and trying to figure out who you want to be in the world. Not saying your doing anything wrong at all but outside looking in this seems alil harsh. Sounds like she has absolutely no one but you. No you didn’t ask for this but u def signed up for it all when u chose to take custody and help raise her. Find a common interest and start some true deep bonding with her she needs it now more than ever! New therapists for you both with joint sessions is needed. Maybe look into some mommy daughter weekend trips or activities and get some one on one time in with her. She needs to feel safe and loved. I was horrid at 17 but that’s also majorly due to constantly feeling the resentment from my mom. If your resenting the fact you can’t plan for retirement due to planning for her college imagine how that makes her feel? Again not saying your doing anything wrong I’m sure your an amazing momma whose just overwhelmed and burnt out with the teenage years but that baby needs you. And yes she’s just that a baby! A child’s a child no matter the technical age she needs guidance and love. Take a deep breath and try to think back to when you were 17 and then try to imagine doing it with all the traumatic life events she’s went thru not having her parents. This is a stepping stone in raising her into an amazing woman. You’ve got this momma just take a deep breath grab a glass of wine and go tell her you love her. This to shall pass!!! 
My oldest is about to be 17. And I am in the same boat. She hates me. And she is my own daughter. She tells me I don’t love her or understand what it’s like to be a teenage girl in this day and time.
sorry I laughed but I find it comical with her. It’s tough. Raising teenage rebels are not for the weak. I am only 33 I had her at 16 so we grew up together. And believe me she reminds me she is doing ok in life since she isn’t a teen mom like me. She will say at least I am still a virgin and pass my classes. She is a bare minimum child. She will not do chores completely refuses to anything. Her room is disgusting and she literally lays in the bed so much the mattress that is only 2 or 3 years old has the imprint of her body. I have tried everything to connect to and with her. Spending one on one time with her. But I am pregnant with my 5th child and I have to attend to the other kids as well. My son is 15 and the complete opposite. Will not even raise his voice, has a job, flourishes in school, does chores and helps. Heck he will
Even entertain the 2 smaller kids so I can take a bath lol. He is gonna make the best dad and husband but for her she is gonna fail flat on her face the minute she leave the house. She wants to go to this college or that college both expensive and again she is a bare minimum kid so she isn’t about to get any kind of scholarship. So I am pushing military possibly the Air Force or Navy for her. I think it will help her grow up, teach responsibilities, pay for school, and set her up well in life so if she does fall on her face she will have help from not just me. I honestly have bad days and the way she acts yelling at me calling me stupid and telling me to shut up gets to me. Other days I laugh her off and tell her just go to her room and get out my face til she learns manners, and then there are days that I tell her she better dial 911 cause she isn’t about to be able to open her mouth when I bust her teeth out. She tried to be abusive to the 7 year old and yells at the 3 year old. And that is usually when I flip out and threaten her. I have never hurt her it’s all threatens. I have busted her butt and took her iPhone 13 laptop and tablet heck I even took her door off her room and everything in it except matter and clothes. Nothing works so I choose my battles. I keep telling myself in 5 years from now we will have a better relationship because she will experience adulthood and hopefully joins the military and grows up. Just hang tight. I promise your not alone. Oh also I took her to the doctor and put her on a mood stabilizers and it has definitely helped with outburst there isn’t as many.
Do family counciling so you’re involved and you guys can express yourself with someone that can help you both navigate this. She is still just a kid and she has lost alot
Ummm… I feel for you in ways but at the same time I also feel you are making this about you and not her.
- You tried 1 counselor… why? Find a counselor that works with trauma, grief and teens and one will to break down walls.
- She is 17 99% of teens go through this at the age from 14 to 20s of hating their mom
- Have you tried being open and vulnerable with her
- I have a 16 yr old and it doesn’t sound like she feels safe( I mean this emotionally, mentally) to want to open up because it sounds like your resent her and I guarantee this is at least subconsciously being projected on her or comments are made towards her
5.Sounds like she had ALOT of built up anger and unfortunately it’s being taken out on you
She may not like you now, but it doesn’t mean that it will be that way forever. If you don’t want to pay for her college, you can still meet her half way and help her find financial assistance for college and give her advice to prepare for it. Keep doing what you can do.
She should grow out of it. They become human again around their 20’s. Hugs. It’s tough. 
Been right where you are at. It’s horrible. I wish I had words of advice but I don’t. Mine left and I almost didn’t make it through. I pray she will eventually come back around. Just hold on. 
You know what? I bet she loves you very much…she’s just angry and doesn’t know how to express it correctly! Would she go to anger management classes? Whatever happens, I wish you the best of luck! Never give up!
Is there some reason she can’t work to put herself through college? Millions of people do. If she can’t stand to talk to you and is desperate to leave…let her. She’ll either learn how easy she had it at home or She’ll manage perfectly well alone . At that age you cant force her to stay
Ignore the people shaming you on this post, you’re allowed to have feelings and not suppress them, it’s healthy to let those out.
That said, I think this is normal teen behavior. Look at the wins, she wants to go to college, that’s a win from where her mom is at. You likely need this break too. She’ll change yet again and come to appreciate you. Remind yourself, it wasn’t always this way with her and it won’t always be this way. I don’t know the extent, if her behavior is not beyond what you’re describing then that’s normal. In the end, don’t stop letting her know that you love her, through her “attitude” and resentful behavior, she still hears that.
Finally, I would suggest you consider counseling, more as a healthy outlet away from judge mental people that give you a hard time for having feelings lol. You need a safe space to talk, what you did is hard, find a safe space to talk about it and heal. So many people brush under the rug the feelings of a parent. Work though those in a healthy way.
Sounds pretty normal for that age. Give it a few years and i bet yall will be best friends.
My teenage daughter and I didn’t like each other but now we’re best friends. Good luck♡
I have 7 kids and 4 of girls ages 10 to 31 and all my girls hated me when they were teenagers. Stand by her side and kill her with kindness and pray, pray, pray. She’s had a hard life. Everyone she’s ever loved has left her and she’s probably testing you
She also has alot on her plate and is fighting everything once csh3 goes to collage she will change and hoped-for the better you might have to let her go and find her way
It’s a teenage thing don’t worry mama
Kill her with kindness. When she leaves for college, she’ll realize how much she loves and misses you. She’ll come around in time. Believe me. We adopted our two grandsons and I’ve been through exactly the same thing as you are going through. As they mature, they realize who had their back. Patience and love. 
It’s normal teen behavior, hang in there
She’s a teen and going through a ton of emotions right now. Give her some grace as she’s just tying to figure out her life. It will get better.
Think about it , throw the shoe on the other foot .
She lost both her biological parents, her grandmother . Nearly everyone that she’s gotten close to . Maybe she fears of losing you to if she gets close . Have you ever thought of that ? As this being her defence mechanism?
If you truly love her as you say you do , then take her out and talk to her with your heart , not with resentment, anger or frustration. Talk to her with an open heart and let her know just how much you love her , what you love about her , fun/cute memories you have with her . Let her know how special she is to you .
Then don’t if she not gonna appreciate it dont tough love let her pay her own way through college 
Let me just say, don’t beat yourself up. 99.9% of teens hate their parents 
or at least act like it the majority of the time. Just keep being there for her, as she probably has a lot of walls built up naturally, from feelings of abandonment. U can not like a lot about a teen, just don’t stop loving her.
This child has been thru hell. Sounds normal to me for what her life has been. If she won’t go to counseling youshould!
In a couple of years she will love and appreciate you. I know it’s hard but she’s angry and her only safe place to target that anger is you. Stay strong for yourself and her.
I was this way towards my mother, I hated her guts, once I turned 18, I moved out without anyone knowing, now I have three kids of my own, I’m about to turn 26, and me and mom have a great relationship, we have our fights but we get over them, I’d give her her space and try to be there for her but you can’t force anything, just give it time
Be the adult and stand by her no matter what. She’s probably just going through a tough stage in life. She’ll see that you were there for her when she matures more
You need to find another counselor. A good one will not allow and know what manipulation looks like. Plus she is going through her own changes and feelings. As women we can all remember that 17 is a tough age for so many reasons. She may say she can’t wait to go to college but I’m sure there is some uncertainties about leaving.
She’s 17 ?? They don’t like anybody at that age ??? My son is 23 now and we are on great terms we love each other !! But I also have a 14 year old who loves his bedroom and is at times hates me and other times talks to me but I also know we are getting to the stage in life where he’s gonna hate me and I’m gonna keep on loving on him like I did my oldest son ! You don’t give up on your kids you just keep on loving them through this horrible stage of life even though it’s hard and it breaks your heart ! They do come around
Like others are saying kill her with kindness let her know that you’re always gonna love her no matter what and be there for her. Sometimes all it takes is getting those lines of communication going showing her that you are willing to listen to her and not just about the little things but the big things. I remember when I was a teenager I always felt so alone like I knew logically my parents loved me and they did everything they could do for me made sure they went above and beyond for me with everything but what really made the difference is when k was able to relate to my mom and dad they both opened up and shared some stories of hardships they faced as teenagers it helped me see them as people not just as my parents if that makes sense at all.
Put them hammer down
Just let her be. You are powerless at this point. Don’t take it personal. It has nothing to do with you… 
Have you talked to her? But it sounds like she needs therapy… she may have an attachment issue and afraid to get close to you for fear of losing you too. I remind her that she is safe. Tell her that you respect her boundary, but that comes with consequences that may be difficult to understand. Then give her space.
Shes a teen and doesn’t have her bio parents as you get older you learn things she’s young she doesn’t understand. But your her mom just love her while she’s m3an teenagers aren’t cool.
i’m adopted by my aunt and uncle , i was a very rebellious child and said the same harsh things to my parents , by the age of 20 i have completely turned around and i’m very grateful for what they did for me. hopefully she has a turn around
You didn’t ask for this? Yea you kind of did when you willingly took in a child that wasn’t yours. That was solely your choice.
Anyways, typical teenage stuff. Besides that she’s been through a lot more then your average teenager. It’s almost like a right of passage for kids to hate their parents. Soon she will get over it.
I think it just comes with that age group. Don’t give up on her , you are all she has. Hang in there momma
That’s just what they do. Sometimes they have to make their way through life so they see you weren’t as bad as they assumed you were. Kids and teens are dramatic. Everything is terrible, horrible, no good, and you’re mean if you don’t give them their way.
Life events will alter the way they see things and as they grow, mature, etc they will see.
Just love her and let her grow. Send her away to college. Let her live her life and she’ll open her eyes eventually.
She will appreciate you one day she’s going through it probably feeling the fact that her parents are not around but one day she will come around give it time I’m sure she don’t hate you she’s probably just feeling lots of emotions knowing she’s not biological yours. Try to look at it from her point of view maybe she’s repressing feeling she feels like she can’t express because she don’t understand them herself ya know. When she’s an adult she will thank you for being “mom” to her. Just don’t give up. Try having a one on one with her.
Hmmm… I remember being a brat like that, when I was growing up. 
I remember my teenage daughter telling me all of those things. Guess what, Mom. It’ll get better! My daughter is now 18, and living on her own. She is doing great, and we get along,pretty great.I just think most kids are immature at that age, and it’s tough with the society we live in now, learning how to healthily deal with struggles. Sometimes people take their feelings out on the ones they are closest to, because they are readily available. 
I know some of the hurtful.things they say will break your heart…believe me, I’ve heard it all. It’s not ok by no means, but it happens. Just LOVE HER, and do the best you can. I believe she’ll come around.
GOOD LUCK
You forgot to include the reasons she “hates you” are they valid are they made up is it normal you didn’t let me stay out until 4 am I hate you … why does she feel this way ?
When I was that age my mom tried putting me in therapy and the therapist told her everything we talked about and it caused huge conflict between us so I never trusted another therapist maybe you can talk to her instead she if she will vent to you make her feel like she can Express feelings she doesn’t understand and give it time this too shall pass
I’m sure she has a lot of things going on in her mind, not to say you deserve any of it. I had someone tell me, when my kids were at home and treated bad…. Well they treat you bad because they know ( You will still love them no matter what.). Unlike there father …. We were divorced and it was a bad one…. He was very toxic and played mind games with them…. Now they hardly ever have anything to do with him.
As parents (and that’s what you are) our job is to provide and care for our children unconditionally. Your last statement sounds bitter/resentful and I understand that it’s difficult to have a child act like they hate you, but you heal that through loving them anyway. There will probably be a day that she comes to you as an older, wiser, adult and thanks you for being patient and loving her when she made it difficult. Breathe. Try talking to her and listening more than you speak, so you can figure out what you both need. Communication is huge.