So, to me it sounds like she’s at a period in her life where she’s having some trouble processing the traumas that’s she’s faced in her younger life. She could be angry at her real mom for making the choices that she made that landed her in jail an unable to care for her. Does she go and visit her mom in jail? Then losing a parent that did care for her and one point can run deep. I lost my mom 2 years ago and I’m still grieving. There’s no set time on when you stop grieving. She could feel resentful to you because maybe in some way she feels if you hadn’t gotten custody of her, that maybe at some point her real mom could have (even if it would never be possible, the fantasy of it is still there) when I went through my angsty teen years after a trauma in my life, my mom took me to a therapist. Being the manipulative teenager I could be, also wormed my way out of that. But my mom saw through me like I was a freshly cleaned window. So she took me to another, and another,and another. Until she found one that saw through my bullshit too. And while at the time I was so mad at my mom that I wished horrible things because she didn’t stop until she found me the right therapist AND psychiatrist, I am so grateful today that she didn’t give up on my mental and emotional health. Try another therapist and find a psychiatrist, and then find another and another until you also find the one that sees through the bullshit. She’s got a lot of things that she needs to let out and process. You just need to find that right outlet for her. And never give up on trying to find it.
Yeah my teens hate me too
Never ever give up!!!Family is always the most important thing. If you look at what her life has been and the heartbreak she has to live with her parents being gone and the fact that she’s 17. She’ll be just fine and everything will work itself out. Prayers for y’all.
I think its the teenage years. She will turn around it may be a couple years but they go through so much hormones and all. Stay strong
ahh my teens hated me too and my 30 year old daughter still hates me so its all good she may grow out of it pretty much hormonal i say
She’s 17, almost done with high school and going on to college. Her mom is in prison, she’s missed all major milestones in her life, she knows her mom had missed all that. Even though you love her she still has a want to have her mom see all these things too. She’s probably fully realizing all of this and as a teen who doesn’t know how to regulate their emotions she’s taking it out on you because she doesn’t know what else to do. She may feel like she might be judged for feeling that way.
Then dont put her through college. Let her graduate and she can find out what it’s like to be an adult
Very unfortunate circumstances. If you got her when she was 9 she was basically taught most of her issues. I’m sure being raised by two women without a stable man around also contributed to it. All you can hope for is one day she’ll get some sense
l Get paid over $109 per hour working from home. l never thought I’d be able to do it but my buddy makes over $14297 a month doing this and she convinced me to try. The possibility with this is endless.
Go to This. https://proworkings967.pages.dev/
She has been through a lot! If you raised her right at 17 she is supposed to hate you 
at least that’s what I’ve been telling my kids. Hugs Momma, hang in there. When she grows up (matures) she will come to you with all the respect and love you are missing now.
Why does she hate you?
Most kids hate their parents and that’s because they are being parents and not friends
Mine hated me too. It tore me up. They moved out. Then they realized I wasn’t so bad. We became friends slowly again.
Wake up, that’s motherhood, our kids all hate us at least one point in their life. Unless you’ve done something “toxic” they’ll come around. Give her her space and just tell her you love her and support her, be there for her… And in case you’re wondering my experience, I have eight kids from age 32 down to two 13 yr old girls… 5 girls, 3 boys
Shes going through a lot. On many levels. It happens harder to some than others. Hit me hard but like her I had experienced various traumas. But it comes back around usually, especially if you continue to support her from the background despite her words currently. I do wish you all the best.
A mother would never say “I should be going though retirement not putting a kid through college”… maybe you should try therapy and see if in fact you are the issue? Sometimes we don’t see the things we’re doing.
Every teen hates their parents at some point maybe even their whole teen years. Maybe look at it as once she goes to college aand matures she may look back and think differently of you and what you have done for her.
Let her put herself through college. No parent is obligated to put their children through college. You got her through 12 th grade. Your job is done.
Mine moved to her aunt’s house and I’m cool on it.
Have YOU gone to counseling?
You should, even if only for support working through this issue. Also family counseling together.
And if she’s not actively working with you to save and help with her own college, YOU should absolutely not take that burden on as your own. And I say the same about bio kids.
My kids had to help pay their own way through college.
And we had the money to pay for it. They value it more if they have ownership and input in it.
If she hates you then you are doing something right. She’s a teenager. Give it time.
Maybe it could just be all the loss she has suffered and she knows there is a big change coming for her soon ( college ) and she knows that Everytime there has been change it’s been bad and she’s preparing herself for what she thinks could be bad too just continue loving her at this age all u can do is keep showing her the love u always have and try maybe put urself in her shoes and then u may have the answers that you and her both need
Your last sentence sums up how you really feel…. There’s another side to the story you’re not telling.
I had trouble with my girls all thru their teens,once they went to college I stayed away just checking in by phone weekly. I tried not to call for as long as I could, but it happened they would finally call me…that is the door I was looking to open. After she would call I would find an excuse to be where they were and ask of they wanted to go shopping or lunch. And treat them as a friend, no Mom talk. This worked for us twice. So maybe it’ll work for you. As far as paying for college all 4 of my kids knew their college wouldn’t be paid for, but we got educated on scholarships and such they knew what to do to get there! They all have 4 yr + degrees and are successful adults! Parents don’t have to pay for a degree, if they can that’s great, I’ve seen way to many not appreciate it and throw it all away!
First of all, take a deep breath. Find a therapist for you and for her, someone who understands how she can B.S. her way through anything, even a counselor. Being a parent ebbs and flows, it will work out. Don’t be too hard on yourself. She’s gone through a lot and as a teen processes it differently than you did or do. Give it more time!.
Not to selfish but being single and 51 years do not put yourself in debt or cash retirement to put her through college. Let her join the military. Maybe then she will appreciate what she has. This is not punishment! You must look out for your future and retirement and you should not risk it for someone who hates you. That’s her options, scholarships, loans, or the military. That’s it!
I remember that level of exhaustion, hang in there!!! Teens without trauma go thru phases like this too. I would very sincerely recommend therapy for yourself to help cope with all of it. You can’t make her utilize therapy tools but you sure can… sometimes it’s worth it just to have another adult to vent to. My therapist literally would just listen to me vent and cry for an hour a week and then reassured me I was handling it properly and was I sure I wanted to keep paying her to listen 
That’s a lot of trauma for a child to wrap her head around and she may have developed bpd as a result which makes emotional regulation near impossible. Learning from her parental standpoint how to lead her through it while dealing with your own emotions around it is the best we can do.
Again, hang in there, do your best, and keep loving her through it! Most of us girls figure it out once we are out of the house and look back and realize how awful we were to people who were only trying to help us.
Try psychotherapy it’s a whole different avenue and she can’t screw with them
She did NOT ask for this life,she didn’t ask to be born , you make her communicate with you before u lose her. Honestly this is my opinion ,you don’t want to her her enter this world at 18 alone angry n hurt. She’s depressed if always in her room. Try your best to communicate this is a very tough age. Your a great person for taking her in 
NOBODY said life was going to be easy
Get into counseling for yourself they will guide you and tell you things you should try, also if you can try to take a trip with just the 2 of you.
Ok if you got her at 9 that isn’t even half her life. She most definitely remembers life before you. I don’t think we’re getting the whole story but your last sentence bothers me. I hope you haven’t said that to her.
Let her volunteer at a troubled teen center.
U sound like u have resentment towards her and I’m sure she can feel it… u need to get urself into counseling Atwell…it’s not just on her to have it
I had sympathy for you until I got to that last sentence, because yes you did ask for this, you volunteered, sweetie. She’s a freaking teenager, of course she hates you, you’re the one telling her what she can and can’t do. She can’t wait to go to college cuz she thinks being an adult is fun and freaking games. Then, by the time she’s 20 she’ll be calling you daily asking you the DUMBEST questions because life isn’t what she thought it’d be. And you’ll get to laugh at that, just like my mother did to me lmao.
It’s normal. What’s not normal is how you’re reacting to this though. That last sentence is incredibly off-putting, and I really feel like you need to view your situation from a different perspective.
Sounds kind of like a defense mechanism. Everybody she loves leaves
It sounds like she’s got something going on in her head that might be dealing with her parents give her some time it could take years she’ll eventually come around
Sounds like you hang the fact that you did her a favor over her head. Doesn’t make for a good relationship. Stop expecting her to be grateful. You might have had your heart in the right place when you took her in but if you looking for something out of it now, you should rethink how u feel and expectations from a child who has been struggling to accept her circumstances.
Im sure this whole situation is hard on everybody especially if she is being defiant or disrespectful towards you in front of your other kids. They will think it’s okay to do the things she is doing. So one I feel that maybe with her age you should sit her down and talk to her. Let her know that no matter what you will always be there for her. That you know things are tough for her and that for some reason something you have done has hurt her maybe and try to get to the bottom of why she feels that way towards you. I also feel like some of these other ladies are right maybe try some therapy again. And maybe even go as far and parent/child counseling together so that she can’t try to pull the wool over the therapist eyes and y’all can actually get some where with talking to an outside source.
Keep reacting out!!! She’ll adventually grow out of it
Be her aunt / and mother, she’ll come to you
When my parents ghosted me, I went through this phase.
No one can fill that hole her parents have in her heart. This is just a trial, and she needs your love now more than ever.
Don’t shut her out. I remember some of my darkest times wondering why my mother couldn’t love me, going to school and seeing everyone else with a “normal” family made me depressed.
Love her more, look up the issues kids with parental abandonment deal with.
Honestly not many 17yr olds that don’t act the same. They all can’t wait to get out & they know everything!! Don’t take it personally. Let her move out at 18 & help her when she needs it. She’ll get her head on straight eventually.
She is 17 and hates you so she says. It’s not true, she hates herself and what has happened in her life. She feels like she doesn’t deserve your love. Don’t give up, she’ll figure it out soon. My 17 year old grandson tells me he hates me too for some of the same reasons but he sure doesn’t want to lose me. That’s not hate.
My great Aunt and uncle adopted me when I was younger, my mother was in your shoes and I was in your daughter’s shoes (even told therapist/counselors exactly what they wanted to hear). It’s hard dealing with abandonment issues, and in the back of her mind, she’s thinking that eventually, you’re going to leave her as well. I’m now 24 and am still dealing with these issues, I HATE being alone, I need constant reassurance from the people I love and patience! Do not push her away. Her mind and heart have gone/are going through a lot.
Unfortunately, a lot of it is probably the age. My daughter just turned 17 and has actually “run away”… TWICE, bc she “hates me” since I do things like not let her wear clothes to school that show her ass or stomach, don’t allow her to have social media since she’s previously proven that she’s not responsible enough to handle it, make her share dish washing duties with her 13 year old brother, etc. I know I know, I’m just horrible lol. Seriously though, she sounds like she’s a very angry young woman and is taking it out on the person closest to her; you. I think you need to keep in mind that it sounds like she’s angry with her “parents” and bc they’re gone and can’t deal with their consequences or at the very least answer some of the questions I’m sure she has, she’s just aiming her anger at you.
I’m sure there is Big feelings there she doesn’t have her mom doesn’t have her dad her grandma passed away sounds like she’s had a lot of loss and probably doesn’t know how to handle those feelings you’re the one she’s comfortable with that’s why you get the Backdraft it can be tough but she needs you to be strong and reassure her how much you love her
She is either your daughter or your niece… pick one. It isn’t your job to be liked by the children you raise… it is your job, to the best of your ability, to prepare them for the real world. The fact you ended on “saving for retirement instead of their education” says a lot. You sound pretty wishey washy honestly. Is it her who can’t stand you or the other way around?
No teenager is going to be an absolute delight. Maybe you should get into some counseling for yourself, maybe spill it into family counseling as well. There needs to be a clear level of communication and expectation, from both sides of the fence here. You’re dealing with the kid that you raised… please remember that.
Make her take out student loans
The first thing that popped in my mind was that she is pushing you away because she can’t stand the hurt of losing you. You said that she lost her Dad at the age of 9, that is a hard thing to handle for anyone let alone that young. Then she loses her Grandmother. I would have to ask if she has always treated you like this, or when it began.
I wouldn’t pay for her college.She can get loans and grants if she wants to act like that.
I think all adopted kids go through that. I know I did. I adopted 2 of my nieces & they did. Just love her through it. She’ll grow out of it. I did & so did my girls. Good luck mama. I know it’s hard, but this too shall pass
You remind her of everything she DOESN’T have or LOST! And what she’s scared of losing again.
It’s not you, she’s angry and she’s hurting so that’s how she’s dealing.
You’re actually safe which is why she treats you that way , unknown it isn’t right but she’s knows your love is unconditional and she’s trying to understand her life, where she belongs, why why why to it all.
Keep loving her where she is at. She’ll get it. She’ll realize what you’ve done for her and your love. She’s just feeling totally lost and spinning. Probably sees and hears her friends at school and that will impact a child. She needs to mature. You’re the one who gets lashed at and all the anger Fl directed toward, for now!
She’ll go to school and then she’ll come around. It will take some time but I promise it’s now you and deep down she lives you very much.
I can’t imagine how how it would be. She probably wonders why she want enough for her bio mom to kelp her shit straight for. That’s heartbreaking. To feel not worthy enough. Giver her some compassion, love her hard!
She needs it.
But, she also has to follow the house rules!
I’m going to suggest that you go to counseling TOGETHER!
Your daughter definitely needs help as I bet she does feel abandoned even tho none of it was hers or your fault. She’s a teenager who is pushing back. She does love you and will realise soon enough that you are here to stay for her. Don’t push her to hard just let her come to you when she’s ready. Be very patient with her even tho I bet it’s hard but she will come around even when she goes off to college and you still text and call her. Her teenage mind is processing so much loss but then she will become an adult and realise you’ve just had her best intentions in your heart. Don’t give up and I’m sending you hugs 
Well I pray to god you don’t tell her that last sentence, or it’s no wonder why she can’t stand you 
She doesn’t “owe you” for being a responsible adult in her life… & She SURE DIDNT ASK to go thru all that.
Sounds like a normal teenager honestly. Especially one who’s lost everyone she loves.
Maybe look into counseling for yourself because you sound bitter & angry & once you work thru those issues you can begin to repair your relationship with her. Until then get her involved in getting ready for college. There’s lots of scholarship opportunities for her so don’t deny her that.
I’m sure she has a whole lot of deep rooted issues and the best thing you can do is love her give her the space she needs be there for her keep up boundaries cuz you also don’t have to deal with disrespect and just keep an open mind and heart cuz a situation like hers no matter who was there who raised her , she still knows things . Plenty of things I’m sure and being that young… at that age we have no clue wtf to do with our feelings and therapy as a teen sucks no teen wants to do it they barely understand how good it really can be . Time , love , patience , boundaries.
Sounds like that kid is mad or upset with the world & is taking it out on the only person she has that love her. I pray for her it’s not easy being a teenager.
She’s been through alot, she needs you to stand by her. Not give up on her because she’s difficult. I would just flat out say I love you and I’m here when you’re ready to let me in. Being a teenager is hard, losing both your parents is also very hard- even for adults. I lost my mom when I was 10, my dad was in prison, and I was a very difficult teenager. Don’t let her abuse you, but don’t give up on her either. Try a different counseling center. Not every therapist is easily manipulated, that child lost her father and her mother is not around. She needs someone to talk to and help guide her.
I have a teen she seems upset with my all the time to so I decided to just give her space and pray for her college sounds like a good idea to give y’all space.
Let her go. She will learn how life is n come n apologize to u.
Did her dad die? Or just not capable of caring for her? It sounds like she has dealt with a lot of loss. Either you don’t treat her like your other children or she doesn’t hate you. It sounds like she is having a really tough time, maybe do counseling together. That way she can’t tell them what they want to hear because your account and her account won’t add up.
That girl has had alot of trauma. Its very understandable. She needs a good therapist, someone who won’t accept the sugar coated version.
She sounds like a 17yr old rebellious teenager that I EXPECT to be this way towards a mother and not a “mother”
You should be proud she is at home in her room and not doing drugs, sneaking booze and getting pregnant. You should be proud she voices herself that she “hates you” even though she doesn’t.
Get her a new therapist that doesn’t believe that sugar coated shit. Get yourself a therapist on how to cope with an adolescent teen with rooted trust and abandonment issues
And work on it together.
And the last sentence about u being “51 and retired” that’s terrible.
There are 2 sides to a storie,but i will suggest you both to get counceling together and talk it out
She’s seventeen and a huge number of kids that age go through this stuff, irrespective of how wonderful parents are. Don’t expect her to come out of her room. Let her have her space. It’s really healthy that she wants to be independent and gave her own space. If you think about it, she has lost three of the people who she should have been able to rely on in life. You’re the backstop who is still there so you get the grief and anger. Your relationship will probably heal again in a couple of years but don’t push it and just support and love her as much as you’ve always done.
My daughter put her kids out at 17. Guess what, they came to granny. I’m on the 2nd one now. The 1st was a girl and after about a year she got her head on straight and now lives on her own. The boy might take a little longer. But both of them love granny and truly respect me and the few rules I put on them. They know this is my house but it’s also a safe haven. 1st of all she must at least graduate high school. It is extremely important to keep communication open. Let them know they can come to you with anything. No lies are allowed in my house. It’s not like I can spank them or ground them. They tell me everything. Try not to judge or dictate to her. I listen and give gentle advice and try to steer them in a better way. Mine both are over 18 now. They tell all their friends how I don’t really fuss but give advice. The friends even come to me. They don’t always go the right way, but generally they come back to me and say, you know granny, your advice got me thinking and it is a better way. I didn’t do so well with my kids but my grandkids are my heart. It will get easier, I promise. Just be patient, and maybe get some help from a pastor or therapist. You are also dealing with loss and may feel abandoned. I’m 60 and 17 yr Olds are usually a mess. But most of us went through the same thing. Good luck mama, hang in there, this too shall pass.
You are her rock. She’s pushing you to see if you’ll break. Don’t break. You’re her strength. I know it’s hard. You are a wonderful person to take her in the way you did. Love her through it. When they push us away is when they need us the most. Good luck! 
first I want to say how admirable it is to raise someone else’s child and treat them like your own. I know that has to be difficult to navigate. My heart goes out to you both! It sounds like that baby has had a lot of trauma in her life from her birth parents. Sometimes the kids who act out the most are the ones who need the most love. Mix that with teenage angst and it’s a recipe for trouble. Be strong momma!!! I know it’s hard. I know it sucks. I know the rewards don’t always seem worth the trouble but trust me when I say that baby is use to losing everything she loves. Give her space. And something that use to help my teenage daughter and I was sharing a communication notebook. We wrote to each other about stuff that bothered us or that we might not want to say face to face. Everything you are doing is truly what life is about, love. Love her even when she isn’t loveable and I promise one day everything you’ve done for her will be rewarded when you see her grow and flourish into an adult. You did that
Just try to love her thru this… she’s struggling for some reason but will one day see what you sacrificed for her and loved her. Hugs!
Have you tried counseling for yourself?
Your “councilor” should have cut through this like soft butter, all of the boxes are checked in diagnosing her with blame displacement, and emotional transference, her childhood is so exploded from what a normal healthy one would have been, and although you have been her floating debris that has kept her from drowning, her Titanic is still sunk in her mind, your just in close proximity to her psychic trauma and are bearing the brunt of it, – bless you for enduring
First off she’s 17… teenagers are mean! I couldn’t wait to move out and never see my family again when I was that age also. So I don’t think all of it is her just hating you.
Friend
This is normal behavior of a child of 17…own or not. You are a good parent. Rather choose your battles with her. Let her get away with things that won’t hurt or negatively impact her.
Keep away from her when she needs and just be there. Don’t accept disrespect.
You will both adjust.
If a tough age to begin with. I’ve had a few of mine turn like that, I was mom and dad, too. At least the best that I could be. As they grow up, they start to see. Just give her space to be herself and keep loving her.
Maybe have a heart to heart, explain yourself, ask her to do the same. Maybe there’s something going on that you’re not agreeing and she’s lashing out as a way of protesting it.
Sounds like you resent her a little bit when you say you didn’t ask for any of this…you in fact did ask for this when you took custody of her…
My daughter was the same way…they don’t know if they want to grow up or play barbies…don’t worry…when they have babies of there own they always need their Mom…my daughter has 4 and everything I say is like gold to her now…
I’ve raised kids and I’m thinking typical teenage girl
I wouldn’t pay for her to “never see me again”…
She’s probably going through a phase, I hope she comes around…unless you are toxic, I don’t know you…?
Maybe joint/family therapy?
When I turned 13 me and my siblings was separated and went to different family members and then from one to another all the way till I was 18 when I moved in with my boyfriend (now husband) I got angry and sometimes tried my boundaries but one day my aunt told me if I think I’m big enough to get in her face then we can step outside and settle it…… but I didn’t and I backed down. Sometimes it takes hard love to get to someone if she don’t like it there than tell her there’s the door and she can make the decision. Maybe you need to just loosen the rope and see which way she wants to go.
Your niece isn’t your daughter and she shouldn’t be calling you mother. Wtf
No one says you have to put her or any of your children through college.
Tough age and sounds she has had tremendous losses. 
Hang in there and you look forward to her going to college too !
Time for tough love! Let her know that since she hates you so, so much, obviously she would hate your money that would pay for her college. Tell her she’ll have to pay for her own college education by working for it. She will need to get a job full-time and go to college part-time as she can afford it. She’s not “entitled” to a college education on your dime, especially since she supposedly hates you so much.
She needs you still 
Just love her
It’s all you can do
One day she will see what you did
I thought adopted children get free college?
My teen hated me to. That’s a teen for you esp this day in age. I know many moms who did a great job and their teens are telling them they are toxic to. Pretty sad when I’ve seen these woman sacrifice everything to give their child everything. We’re all human and prone to making mistakes but there’s been no abuse are reason for their sudden despising and judgment. I’d do counseling together so you can call her out on any lies or BS she’s playing. Do your best to find what you can do to have a healthy relationship because that’s what we parents are supposed to do. Then let her make her way in the world and hopefully when she’s a parent it will become more obvious that you were in fact there and providing for her every need.
Truth be told she doesn’t really hate you. She is hurting and that’s the only way of taking her anger out is by hating you and in return hurting you. Misery loves company. Good luck your a good woman !
Maybe she’s afraid of losing you like she lost her dad and grandma. Trying to push someone away is sometimes a lot easier than loving them and losing them.
Or she can get a job and start saving now. When she works full
Time she can look for a company that has tuition reimbursement. This is on her though. Not you. She will eventually see what a cold, cruel and difficult world it is when she is making her own way. I’m not against tough love I am for it. As a person who is of majority meaning in her own and an adult she can handle it. She has issues that may or may not have to do with you. Kids go through things. Love her but don’t let her be abusive to you especially in front of your other children.
What about family counseling? The two of you go together.
It’s a phase I was the same way 
Tragically she is not going to see your worth until she’s on her own. College? Nowhere does it say you need to pay for her college. Sounds like y’all would do well with some GROUP therapy. She is harboring a lot of anger for whatever reason. You sound TIRED but don’t give up on her. Waiting for her mom to get out of prison just so you can pawn her back to another miserable existence? Maybe you shouldn’t have taken her on in the first place. We as parents just don’t give up on our children.
Ok so a few things… you said you took custody of her when she was 9… you also said you’ve pretty much had her since she was a baby… has she always called you mom?? Did she start calling you mom after you took custody?? I ask because if she’s always called you mom, then she considers you her mother, and 17 year Olds are going to say things they regret later in life, when they become adults… not to mention she probably has a lot of pain inside knowing her story…
On the other hand, if she started calling you mom after the age of 9, and still calls you that all while saying she hates you, then she probably doesn’t mean it at all. She might be struggling with her past, and it’s normal. Not proud to say I told my loving mother things like this as a teen and I’m disgusted with myself just thinking about it.
Now what I don’t understand is you saying you didn’t ask for any of this… yet, you took custody of her! You did indeed ask for this. Not to mention you claim you’ve raised her since forever! It’s strange for me, that your response to a teenagers rebellion is to say that you didn’t ask for this, and want to retire and call it a day… mam you can’t do that.you can’t raise a child as your own, and then dip out when she teens up! If she has no reason to hate you, she will come around when she realizes how badly she treated you. A kid that has been loved, and raised by a loving woman doesn’t just hate you at the break of 17. Honestly you saying you didn’t ask for this, makes me question whether you are toxic or not. Have you said that to her at some point?? Because that would definitely make her hate you, and I’d hate you too.
Stay by her side and do the best you can. One day she will be a mature women and cherish you. My mom had three girls, it was hell.
She is a teenager and teenagers can be a**holes sometimes and they are dramatic pretty much all the time lol. Just don’t give up on her cuz in the end she will realize you were always there for her no matter what and appreciate that. Keep trying try to talk to her. Maybe even go to her room where she is most comfortable and talk to her get her to let out her feelings and make sure she knows that you love her and you will always be there for her you are not going anywhere.
Offer to give her to children aid…might make her realize you gave her a home
You made a choice to take her in. You knew you were going to make sacrifices. If you went into this looking for praise and admiration from her, you did it for the wrong reasons. She has no choice in any of this. As a parent, it is not your job to get your child to like you. It’s your job to raise them right.
Your doing everything with so much love for her. She will appreciate and come to love you again, just not today. I was the same way with both my wonderful parents. However hardship and obstacles will teach her how to have empathy and love for you. It takes time. BTW, you shouldn’t be the one paying for college. Teach her, guide her on how to make her own money for college. Write essays to get scholarships, volunteer at homeless shelter to write about others hardship on a scholarship essay applications. Work and earn your money for college. Your job is not to pay for college, it is to guide them to be the best independent adult they can be
I would say she’s probably dealing with a lot of trauma, because her parents essentially both died, in a sense. Her mom is in prison, grandma died, dad died, you’re the closest person to her you’re the one who’s been there for her, so she will take out all of her hurt and frustration on you. Let’s not forget she’s 17, so she’s going through not only these emotions of her family being gone, she’s got hormones, dealing with shit at school too I’m sure. It’s not easy, being a teenager. It is, but in your body, mind and soul, it isn’t. You really need to try to face her demons she’s dealing with head on, have a serious convo with her, know that the way she’s acting is because of all the pain she’s had in her life, and just be straight up. Tough love, ya know?
It’s the age younger kids throw tantrums older children act out in other ways talk to her and listen something is up and I highly doubt she hates and i say this i. The nicest way you need to get out of your feelings and go be a mom to your daughter