Tbh it sounds like you resent her also. I wonder if she’s been picking up on those feelings. You say, “I didn’t ask for any of this.” But you literally did. If you didn’t wanna deal with teenage angst, you shouldn’t have got custody of her 
Don’t worry about it. She is a stubborn teens. Let her go to College and be on her own. She will realize soon enough that she needs you in her life after all.
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Its sad but if her mom is in jail and her father is dead , she can get a grant and sent her self to college
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Well she would be working and putting herself through college. And why does she hate you so much. Does she know the whole story. Maybe she and you should visit her mother. It’s really time to worry about yourself
She acts like that and you’re going to pay for her schooling??! No way.
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Awww sending prayers and hugs. Dealing with teenagers nowadays is never easy. She will miss you when she’ll be away for college.
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Find another counselor, or try family therapy. It’s also not uncommon for teens to resent their parents/guardians. They feel as though they’re grown and can make decisions for themselves. She won’t truly appreciate you until she’s out on her own. You can’t force the issue, but you can hopefully ease the tension by seeking her advice on menial things. Even if it’s dinner ideas, help picking out and outfit, or rearranging the furniture in your house. She probably just wants to feel as though she’s somewhat on more of an adult level and that her thoughts and opinions have value.
On the flip side, there is no denying the trauma she experienced in early childhood. Was that ever addressed? Even if she didn’t seem phased by any of it, I guarantee she was. She may be expressing those feelings through anger. It could be that she views you as being in between her and her parents. A lot of times children and teens fantasize about how much better their lives could be if they had other parental figures. I did it myself as a kid. Now that I’m an adult I see it very differently, but it took life experiences to realize it. This should go without saying, but whether or not you wanted this, you stepped up for her. She was a child born into chaotic circumstances. Her position in life is at no fault of her own. I hope to GOD that you have never said anything that would ever make her feel as though she is a burden to you. You being a single mother is on you. You being her parent is on you. You being a parent to multiple children is on you. Not her.
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She will feel however she wants ,if she respects your house rules obeys the law then let her stew.you don’t owe her collage and be your best self .life is a long song carry on.
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She’s 17, I’d tell her if she hated me so much she can get a job and pay her own way. Make her pay for things she uses, tell her she’ll need to save for her own college. She wants to be grown, treat her grown.
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Then let her pay for it
The wait for mental health is so long that once you get to the top of the line they push you through. I’m dealing with the same issue. Find another counselor, pastor, mentor of some kind that she can talk to. She’s got a lot going on. She’s grieving 3 parental figures, dad, gma & mom. She needs someone who can help her process all that.
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I agree with Madassin Malice Hadter,
If she’s not respectful and grateful then make her work for her own. Obviously love and guide her still.
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Is this your first teenager? My sympathies. Just keep loving her, you will both survive this.
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You’re paying for her college? A lot of parents don’t. Make her apply for scholarships and grants.
On the other hand of things… she’s being a typical 17 year old. Give her the space she is needing but don’t let her walk on you. If she disrespects you in any way, take away privileges. Make sure you’re not letting her be entitled and allowed to treat you like crap but also don’t suffocate her.
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She’s 17. That is a lot of her problem.
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Find yourself a therapist! So you can talk these issues out.
When she shuts herself in sit at her bedroom door and talk to her. Tell her you love her, tell her no matter what you have her back, tell her your proud of anything special she did that day. Make it a ritual!
17 is a tough year as is those years that lead up to 17.
I’ve lived that story more than once.
Daughters at that age are extremely challenging for their mothers. Mine still is and she’s 26🥴 I’m freaking out daily wondering if I’m going to survive this torture🥲
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My advice? Try to get her life story therapy so she can unpick her feeling about her beginnings, her past her, her present and her future. You may be able to get this through sicial services. We went through similar and are now in a better place. Also the is DBT which is often more helpful than CBT
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What is it that she hates about you or thinks is toxic? There very well may be cause for you to stop and think twice about your daily actions/words.
Parent/child relationships should be give and take, if you have a problem with her you should be able to address it and she should be able to do the same without you exploding on her or telling her how grateful she should be.
I would guess that she’s still dealing with her trauma and parental abandonment and stress from the adoption. That can cause a lot of mental anguish for anybody but especially children and teens.
I hear a lot in this post of you may be having a savior/victim complex with her, “look at what I’ve done for her and look at what shes doing to me now”. It’s important to remember that while you did a great thing, it’s something you chose to do. You chose to take responsibility for her and raise her. She didnt ask for her life circumstances, she had no choice in the matters. As well, she is an entire human being entitled to her own thoughts and feelings even if you don’t agree with them or understand them.
I would suggest finding a family therapist who can help you guys work out what’s going on in a healthy manner. Let her speak freely without blowing up on her or telling her how grateful she should be for the choice you made.
Teens are hard, especially teens with trauma, you both deserve grace but also understanding and compromise.
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She’s depressed. And she’s a teenager. Def try a group. But believe me, this behavior stops. And u’ll get that love because she’ll realize it. Some time with her alone can help. Once a week. Watch a movie with her. Her choice. Stay up late night. Things like that.
Honestly. Part of it is probably the age.
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Counseling isn’t a 1 way street, you should both be participating, both individually as well as your own children and then your entire family as a unit together as well. On top if that therapy is never “not needed”…its an outlet to workout your tough feelings, its a place to bounce ideas before you act on them, it’s someone to help think things through…You were in the wrong place and unfortunately at this stage it’s probably a bit late to try to force her to do much with 18 right around the corner
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I hate to say it but it sounds like typical teenage girl behavior, at least with mine. She’s 22 now and came up to me last year and said, “I’m so glad you’re my mom because I would have k!lled me, I was terrible to you” and now we have a better relationship. Just breathe momma!!! It will all work out when she’s a little older.
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She’s basically an adult. Tell her little ass to leave and find her own place. People keep saying it’s her age, she isn’t 13. If she can’t respect you I’d say she has no place there.
Tell her to get a job if she wants to go to college.
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I have 2 adult daughter who we had our moments. I also now have a 15 and 17 yr old daughters. 17 is okay most of the time except when she is off mentally and I have her admitted.
15 yr old out right hates me and blames me for everything.
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Everyone is blaming her for being 17. But it very well could be you 
I know you think you’ve done everything right but that’s almost never the case. Even if it were, she doesn’t owe you anything. You CHOSE to take her . Kids don’t owe you good behavior, affection, good grades…nada. if this is really how she feels then just let her go on her way .
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Yeah I thought I hated my mom at 17 too 
it’s just a phase let her have her space and make her mistakes…also should make her apply for grants and any scholarships that’s she eligible for if any. Seems to be a unpopular opinion but I’d even suggest telling her to get a part time job and have her put half her check up to help with living expenses for when she does go to college and let her keep the other half to use as she pleases. 
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You say “mom” moms have unconditional love for there children at all stages of there life. You sound a bit resentful (not judging) I never raised a child that wasn’t my natural child. Maybe she feels your negative vibes toward her. And you did ask for this bc you went to court and received full custody. Give her a break, this shall pass. The young lady may also being feeling abandoned by those who should have loved her unconditionally. By the way she not the only teenager who will not come out of there room.
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You need to sit her down and have a serious talk with her and maybe ask what she does not like from you that can be changed
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Well for one you should be focusing on your retirement over college savings. She can work and get scholarships to go to school. Who’s gonna support you when you retire? Not your kids surely. Not social insecurity.
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My parents didn’t put me through school when I went to university. I had to get a student loan and work part time. Just sayin’. Hopefully this is just a phase, and you two can have a talk someday
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I honestly think it’s just her age try to hang on and in a few years she will be back to loving you again
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I know being a mom is tough. Kids/teenagers have their moments. I’ve always told my kids how much I love them and they know I love them but I’m also very firm when it comes to rules and the way they treat and respect me. I think sometimes you just have to stop worrying about what they think of you and be their mom. Moms aren’t always nice sometimes we gotta lay down the law and if they don’t like it too bad.  The thing with most teenagers is they don’t really have any idea what they really want out of life they just focus on the moment they’re in. Maybe there is an underlying issue that you’re not seeing. You can only do so much. Maybe try talking to her again. I know this may sound harsh but honestly if she has no respect for you and doesn’t understand all you’ve done for her, personally if it was me, I would point her in the direction of the door. Sometimes kids need to realize the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. 
You’re a hero , teenagers are tough . You’re doing great things for her and kudos to you. She acts tough right now but
Soon she will thank you.
Let her do whatever she does , keep her safe, be the parent , and soon she will realize.
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She’s a teen. They hate all adults ! Give her space. You didn’t say she is abusive on drugs. Not going to school etc. she will come around
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Teenagers are rough. Plus she has been through a lot of trauma. Trauma changes people. She lost both parents at a young age. I know her mom is technically still alive but she lost her as well since she’s not a part of her life. You’re her safe place. You’re the one that’s always been there and kids act out toward the person they feel safest with because they know they won’t get hurt in return by that person. Hang in there. Things will get better.
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Maybe try family counseling instead of one on one. You find ways to work together.
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I would try family counseling or going together to solve some issues. I would also ask her point blank as to y she hates u for her to list them out and write something about each. I would also find something something she enjoys and doing it together. I understand u didn’t ask for this but it could be hard for her too
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As you said, you got full custody and treated her the same as your bio children, she calls you Mom. So when things get rough you don’t get to decide to not be Mom anymore because you’re tired and older. As a Mom to other kids, you know the teen years are very difficult anyway, then add that your bio Mom is in prison, your Dad has a health condition, and the grandmother that helped raise you died. You’re the parent; act like it. Get some family counseling.
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You don’t get to just decide to when to be a parent, just because things get tough! It sounds like ur being selfish and need to actually get counseling because she’s had a lot of trauma in her life so I’m sure she’s got some things that need to get figured out but u should also try understanding why she can’t stand u, if u act like this all the time I don’t blame her! As a parent u should understand and try to do things together
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17 is the age all mine tripped. Once she goes to college she will be aching for you. Hold on and keep showing her love.
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Honestly it sounds like you’re giving and want things in return… sounds like you want her to love you. Which I understand is big but it’s not her fault you took her in or her parents can’t raise her. Thank you for taking her in! That’s amazing but she doesn’t owe you anything and maybe just maybe she sees things differently. When you decide to raise a child you decide to give them unconditional love forever and ever. Sometimes as a 17 yr old she doesn’t see your struggle because she shouldn’t need to. Take her on a mommy and daughter date. Go get your nails together. Go do something she likes to do! Get to know her. Just keep trying. Don’t ever give up.
You say you treat her like a daughter yet mention so many times in a negative away about how she’s a problem and not even your real daughter … and I could be wrong, but that sounds like the problem to me. You resent her, and you probably show it without realizing
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No 17 year olds are easy, trust me I have one. I’m sure it will change when she matures a bit more
The poor kid just needs some space. She probably feels like shes alone.
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Who’s paying for college
Sorry but I would b saying we have had to sort this out
Or I don’t pay for college
Welcome to teens…they all do this crap. She will come around.
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Maybe try a therapist for both of your sakes. Remember that being 17 is like riding a roller coaster at times…lol look after each other
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I was literally right there! I have to say a lot is simply her age. My niece is now 21 and we are super close. She took off at 17 and I couldn’t force her back… I kept communication open though and let her know that I love her no matter what. As she gets older her perspectives will start to change and she will see why you made rules you made and such and she will come to respect and trust you for it. That’s my experience with having custody and loving my niece anyway.
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She is 17 --adios pack her bags and let her go.
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The big question I have is WHY does she hate you? Maybe you are just all about all you have"had to do" for her!!! Who can love that. It sounds like you are throwing that in her face constantly and maybe once you figure out why she hates you then you can both work through the issues.
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I think deep down she does love you. I think she’s hurting. Write a letter to her and explain how you feel, tell her how much you love her and how you will never give up on her as I reckon she’s knows it but wants reassurance so maybe the letter will get thru to her and you might see a difference in her. Good luck xx
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As a therapist , I caution you to be very careful putting much stock into any of these comments, although I’m sure the majority of them are well intended. It would be much healthier and effective for you to get a therapist for you and to also find a family therapist. That way you have professionals helping you guys navigate this difficult time and not guesses from even the most well intended person on here. Best of wishes!!
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Why does she hate you so much what dies she think you’ve done that will tell you if the situation can turn around
But if you took the job of mum on you can’t do much more than be mum do that till she leaves and let her go
Fly little birdie fly
Sounds to me like you have a lil resentment towards her since “you didn’t ask for any of this”… Hope she didn’t hear those words come out of your mouth because that is absolutely treating her different from your own and would be SUPER hurtful to hear… I would stay away from you too people can feel when they’re not welcome and are a burden🤷🏼♀️
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… first of all you sound like your blaming her. Sounds pretty one sided, try having some understanding, her situation internally seems chaotic, she is obviously doing some big reflection.
And guess what you are her safe space so of course she is gonna take that anger out in you, she has no one else!!
I wasn’t an easy teen either…
no fricken teen is easy.
Best advice I can give is Love her through it.
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All you can do is love her. Don’t add to her already full mental plate. Continue to include her and be a mother to her regardless of how she feels or how you think she feels. She’s a rebellious teen who has not had the most ideal life even if her life with you has been and is wonderful, all kids feel as though they miss out on something. Just keep being a loving mother and eventually she will see that you have always had her back even when she didn’t want it. Maybe you should try some counselling and therapy as well and show her that it can actually be helpful, you don’t need to have mental health issues to need a counsellor or help with life skills, you just have to be human
She’s a teen, sounds pretty normal. Just keep supporting her
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Does she know everything you’ve done for her? Maybe you should tell her , maybe she’ll start to appreciate more, or let her visit her mom in jail, maybe she feel like you “took her” from her real fam and feels like a black sheep, but if you show her what she what she thinks she missing which form what you’ve said, isn’t much at all, maybe that’ll open her eyes, she has too see the entire picture for herself, your words aren’t enough anymore, hope this helps and you two come to come understanding
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We all been through it. Girls can be worse than Boys in there Teens, But just try to love her as much as you can, Once she is older she will realised what she put you through and ask you to forgive her, and you will as most Mothers do, I am feeling sorry for you right now, But stand by her as much as you can, One day she will thank you for it, Believe me.
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Why does she hate you? I see her point if it’s Qult related.
She’s a teen. All teens hate there parents at some point. That is normal. Try not to take it personal. Do writing exercises WITH HER. Maybe you could start it off. Write down everything you wish to improve upon and work on and sit down together and ask how can we work on changing this around? Write her a letter (without anger) and tell her how you feel about her. Apologize for anything that may have made her feel less than and then ask her how you both can overcome this.
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Most teens stay in their bedroom 24/7! This is common and pretty normal! Most 17 hate their parents and can’t wait to go away. This is pretty common and normal also. Just relax. All teens SUCK!!! Best wishes!
I believe this is very normal for a teenage daughter. I never acted like this towards my mom but a lot of my friends did - so I saw it a lot when I was this age.
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Sounds like a typical teenager momma. Just hang in there.
She is 17 and I’m sure rules are still in place. I would just tell her, you can hate me all you want, I will always love you but you will not disrespect me or you can move along and figure it out. She probably has friends or a boyfriend talking to her. As far as you paying for college. I’d make her pay her first year. I already know what’s gonna happen. Your going to fork out all that money for school and she is gonna drop out or just not go at all.
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It sounds like you two fall well within the spectrum of normal. A parent whose actively parenting maybe viewed as oppressive. Which may lead to a child staying in their room and trying to avoid talking to you. Fine you’re not their friend your their parent. It’s a very serious undertaking. I felt my father an oppressive dictator. Best friend I ever had. Tried to avoid him, couldn’t wait to get as far away as possible.
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I am so sorry you are going thru this, She is growing up & she probably is just pissed/upset/mad her mother & father are gone, So when she turns 18 , tell her goodbye & that you love her, Things might change when she gets older & then fully understands just what you did for her.
“I didn’t ask for this.”
Yes you did. You absolutely did ask for all of it. You went to court to take custody of her. You must have been well aware of what you were doing. This post does not make it seem like you treat her equally to your bio children. She probably feels like the black sheep.
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First , there are programs for adopted kids to go to college 
in my state all adopted kids get four years of college free. look into it.
Secondly this kid has had some MAJOR trauma! Her circumstances aren’t “normal” ones and she has lost so much. She may not “like you” right now and that can also be a teen thing. It’s one thing to isolate and another to be disrespectful. Make sure she isn’t crossing any lines.
I’d seriously set up cameras in the home so you can show a professional what’s TRULY going on. Don’t tell anyone. Just do it while everyone is at school. Then she can be confronted by a therapist and hopefully start healing a bit.
But some teens just isolate. Adults are “lame” and “controlling” and they can’t wait until they are 18 and can leave. Let them they will quickly learn that adulting SUCKSSSSS! Especially in this economy !!
Always ask if they want to tag along to a Starbucks trip or shopping. Never stop asking them to participate in some family things and bonding time. Nails… toes… hair dye store. Let them figure out who they are and take her back to counseling
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Make her pay her own way, that could change a lot
I daughter did this to me as well, I was a single mother raising her alone for 8 years, then met my now husband and the older my daughter got the worse she got, the teen years was terrible and I always imagined us being so close as we was in her younger years, but she grow into a teen that didn’t need mom… she acted like she hated me 90% of the time, couldn’t wait til she was 18 to move out and that is exactly what she did… it’s normal I think in the teen years as hard as it is to watch and be treated that way by a child you raised go from the loving sweet caring I need momma love to a mad cat that despised the entire world even being looked at… I always thought we’d have the relationship as I had with my mom… but I still treated her as I always had and loved her even through it all…
She is now nearly 19 and hates adulthood
My teen was the same way. After she moved out she started calling me all the time for advice.