Haver her checked for oppositional defiant disorder
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Beyond scared straight or go on maury like they make their parents get in the casket & pretend like they aren’t alive anymore & they have to give a speech maybe that would change her outlook on her parents? Try cbd if the doctors aren’t helping?
My daughter is almost 9, and I will say that some of what you said is accurate for her as well (talks back, fights me when it comes to doing homework, going to bed, bathing, etc). I would say that these are NORMAL for her age. With THAT being said…the rest is not okay and are real behavioral issues that need to be handled, it sounds like she needs help and a new therapist/psychologist that can handle her needs. She’s begging for attention and fighting for control. My suggestion, is let her have control over some things. Give her options…“would you like to take a bath first, do your homework, or read?”…let her feel like she has a say, I think this will help when in reality she’s still doing what you need her to do. Hope this helps!
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Hmm.
This might be harsh, But
But if she’s harming others -
She might need to be hospitalized for She’s under 14
So perhaps maybe see about a short term mental (psychiatric) institution to see if she can get therapy and taught better coping tools.
With a psychiatrist coming in frequently might be able to get an idea if it’s a mental illness disorder or something else.
Maybe they’ll be able to help you get the tools you need to be better equipped to deal with her behaviors.
She will be evaluated regularly, monitored nearly 24 hours. They do bedroom checks, I want to say 15-30 minute intervals.
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Is she being abused? Not by you but maybe that is something to look in to. These behaviors are exactly what I did when I was getting molested by my neighor
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Oppositional Difiant Disorder.
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Go have that child diagnosed and get her some meds…it’s totally worth it and no shame or bad parenting.
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Good luck but a girl I know was just like your child. She is now in her 40s and is a narsacist and gas lighting idiot. She lies constantly and now claims she has found Jesus.
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Girl I’m in the same boat. My daughter is almost 10 and she is the same way. You never know what you’re going to get with her.
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Quietly without her knowing, try recording her. THEN show her doctors or therapists privately.
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Poor kid. Probably just needs good parents and she would be alright!
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I am so sorry. My daughter just turned 12 and her issues got more severe around 9. It sounds just like her. I’m so sorry. All I can say is try to document everything see if you can get videos of her behavior because I started doing that after my daughter made a false allegation against me a year ago.
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She may have ADHD. Also, try different methods. In our house we are very big on compromises and meeting in the middle. Ask her how you could help her. You shouldn’t resent your child though. That’s not okay. As a parent you don’t want to see your child suffer. Just be mindful and let her know that you are always there for her and love her.
I would try a Neuropsychologist. My son is 5 and acted somewhat the same but also had lots of ADHD symptoms.
My daughter is the same way she currently in a residential home for the 2nd time due to her behaviors. Feel free to message me if you need to talk or want some resources.
Have you tried home based services? The honeymoon period only lasts so long especially when at home. That’s the route I had to go to get people to see how she was. I also recorded behaviors to show therapists and psychs. And every time she was unsafe I called 911 to show her it wasn’t a joke.
Vyvanse in the morning. Clonodine for bedtime. It changed our lives. My son was diagnosed with ADHD and ODD through a psychological assessment. It’s not just based on what the kid says. It’s based on what you say, too! My kid is a new person. He had a little bit of counseling but I’ll tell you, the medication was like a light switch.
I currently go thru this with my son. He’s ADHD, ODD & CONDUCT DISORDER. It’s not easy and I record his outbursts and make notes in a book on his behaviors for our drs. There may be more going on to that she isn’t talking about . For my son we found out he was SA sadly from my living brother. We now dealing with the police, trauma therapy and more so justice will be served. Even an order of protection for my child. She may be being bullied at school. Some children won’t talk . Took almost 3 yrs before my son said something. Maybe any behavioral centers can help or see a new one to get a new evaluation. So the videos and what behaviors you right down and address your concerns with them.
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Let her fail, let the kids make fun of her because she smells, and go ahead and resent her. Explain to her that these are natural consequences of her behaviour and she can choose to change it. My daughter used to lie a lot but after explaining to her what happens when people don’t trust you or can’t believe you she finally realized she didnt want to be looked on that way. It may or may not work for your daughter but it’s worth a try. Also if you have any examples of people in your life that do those things point them out to her and explain how they are treated because of it.
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I’m not 100% sure. But I’m going through the same thing with my 6 year old. You’re not a bad mother. You’re not worthless, or horrible. You have a child who is difficult. Until you can figure out how to deal with her, get yourself together. You can’t fight when you’re worn down. If you would like, you’re welcome to message me and we can brainstorm together or I can help motivate you. But it’s time to take back your life. Yes, she is a handful but you can’t let her take away everything from you. Wake up earlier to prepare yourself for each day, or at the end of the day, soak in the tub. Start creating space between the 2 of you. At the end of the day, she will only change if she decides too. Don’t let her see that it bothers you. Take each day as a day and not part of a whole week (,hopefully that makes sense) . Make sure you have evidence of her behavior though as a just in case. As parents we want our kids to be the best that they can be, but we can’t kill ourselves in the process. Maybe during the summer, get her involved in an overnight camp. That way you can have a mental break. You’re not alone in your fight! You got this. I believe in you.
I wonder if she’s doing this behavior for attention? Negative attention is still attention. I agree with trying to videotape her. Try to capture what’s happening before, during, and after, so whomever you get to see it can maybe more assess to understand what is going on. Does she do any extracurricular activities she enjoys doing? Maybe if she’s busy with those, she will have her attention, or energy expending needs met? Maybe she’d be happier, too if she met some good friends.
I’m not an expert, but these are just maybe some things to consider.
Speak to your Doctor and your Priest or minister. as well as your family doctor. One of you definitely needs professional help.
You are not alone I’m dealing a lot with my daughter she is 10, I don’t resent her but I have more anger towards her, but again she’s my first born and everyday with her, I see it as she’s still teaching me to be the mom for her and I’m mad because idk what to do. My daughter is Autistic so everyday it’s something new, but again you gotta mold her how you want her to be as an adult.
My son is 18 and I don’t feel the love anymore
Cameras all over the house …and make a mommy and daughter day (do what you have to In order to do it if you both have to play hooky do it) tire her out having fun with JUST YOU and then sit her down dont come on strong with questions but ask her whats really wrong and see if she will talk to you about what is going on
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Is she behaving at school and doing well? If she is then I’d say you’re the issue. Maybe your parenting style, you possibly are being dramatic or you are abusive. Kids can fool other people but they just can’t be angels for 8 hours at school and not be that kid, maybe because you’re not there. 
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She has a serious mental disorder.
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Read The Explosive Child by Ross Greene
Go to Wal-Mart get the WiFi cameras set them up when she is gone don’t say a word then show her Dr the video. It will work on your phone so she want know and then Dr can watch it …they do work real good …i pray you get help …My daughter is going threw the same thing her daughter is 10 …
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Is she being sexually abused, being bullied, possibly hiding anything traumatic she may have endured? Kids don’t act out just to act out. There is an underlying issue! Being its directed to you and your husband and you state you’ve tried everything, talk to your husband about anything that may have happened between them that may have gotten her so riled up that she doesn’t know how to speak out, not making accusations!! It could be anything though, but you need to find a way to communicate with her and get to the bottom of this before it gets worse. I pray for the best!!
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Oh wow. You need Dr. Phil. Install video cameras and start recording for documentation. Once you get data to help probe the situation show the therapist.
Is there any family she can be sent to stay with over a weekend for a time out? Someone who has raised kids and is firm but kind? She needs to see how great her her home situation is
In the same boat with my son. I feel terrible. Try another counselor
I would say get her some counseling
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Put up nanny cams. Get it on video and then take it to the therapist. I would see a child phycologist that specializes in this type of behavior. Talk with the school and let them know what your plan is. Definitely get it on video.
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Therapy for both of you
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Call Dr. PHIL! Or at least watch his show. He’s helped a lot of people with problems like yours. I have a question…who says hi first in the morning or as she returns from school? Try to smile with a good morning darling. No response? Don’t expect one. Just be nice. Never ask how was school. She wants to keep it to herself. It may work. Also…just by you and her Dad saying I love you Honey can make her wonder what’s going on. So she slams the door…stay cool! Yep, everyone in the house can use a lot of wise teaching. Seek out the best and read good book’s. Realize you are not perfect. Ask her to forgive you if you have hurt her in some way. Lot’s to deal with here. It just didn’t start at age 9.
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I absolutely agree with getting nanny cam’s. Put them in multiple locations in the house. It’s not invading her privacy. It’s getting you the information you need to seek help for behavior she’s obviously skilled at hiding. Therapy for her, you, your spouse and the family as a whole is necessary. It will also provide you with proof you’re not abusive to her if and when someone believes her accusations. No child has the right to make her family’s lives a living hell. She’s NOT in charge. You and your spouse are. Don’t feel guilty. Do what you have to do to help her and your family.
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Have you tried hugging her, holding her? And telling her you love her no matter what? I noticed sometimes when my daughter gets attitude and feel myself losing it…I pause what I’m doing, I get down on her level and I just hold her and hug her…I tell her I love her even when she’s behaving badly…and I’m telling you…it’s like a great reset.
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Kids don’t act out unless something has or is happening to her. Someone or something is bothering her for her to act this way. Until you get to the root of the problem, you can’t get her back on track. Family members are usually the ones doing it. Someone who has unsupervised access to your child would be where I started looking.
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You are all she has. She can feel you pushing her away.
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Same with my 16 yr old. Been this way about 12. She has alot of mental problems and is very immature for her age. It’s a struggle everyday.
How does she do in school? Video tape her
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I suggest having a Doctor provide a “genesight” swab test done on her and begin the process of Antipsychotics, I truly mean that lightly. I understand medication isn’t for everyone. But the blood test is newer and it includes mood stabilizers, antidepressants, Anti-anxiety and a few more. This will give you a guideline, simple and quick result of what medication might work for her. The blood work will take 6-8 weeks to come back, but it’s so so effective. I carry the packet in my purse to share with others how much it can help with mental illness - if this is her case?
The results range in the category of red, yellow, “green”. Which green will work best and try those.
I have 7 children and did a mood stabilizers (which I had no clue existed) for one of our kiddos who had similar behaviors and it truly helped tremendously!
*I understand this method isn’t for everyone, it’s just a thought. Google genesight test. It’s truly remarkable.
Good luck mama!
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i hate to say it but i would video your interactions with her secretly and show them to a therapist maybe then he can get to the root of the problem
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I’m sure I’ll catch hell from a lot of y’all for saying this but damn I would have got my
a$$ beat if I did any of that when I was a kid and I believe that is a lot of kids problems now days. Maybe if we could still whoop our kids without worrying dss would get involved then some of us wouldn’t have this problem with our kids acting out. Just saying
I have a child exactly like that. She is 30 with children of her own now. Still thinks it is OK to treat me badly. Diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder. I tried everything when she was TY ounce. Nothing helped.
Try not to give her the reaction she is looking for. I have 7 ,8 and 9 year old daughters and it seems like 8-9 is around the time I had to break my oldest from all these bad behaviors. She spent a lot of time in corners and in her room when she had a break down. She is much better now but its my middle daughters time to shine 
and its the SAME things I stopped her sister from doing. I limited screen time and banned YouTube. 
Prayers of comfort This will pass
I would continue to bring her to therapy and maybe look at your home life if she’s acting that way. Does she get a lot of attention? Does she feel loved? Have you tried to sit her down and speak to her and ask her what you can do to change things? Ask her what she needs and go from there. A therapist job is to get through to her, so if they are not doing it, find someone else that can help. It may take awhile, but eventually it will break through and they can discover if she has a mental disorder or if something else is causing her to act this way.
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There are many here proposing oppositional defiant disorder but that usually presents all the time, she is selective in her dysfunction in order to maintain image for those she wants to have alignment with, that is a much more serious disorder, good luck on this
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Sounds like my daughter she has been diagnosed with adhd bipolar and o.d.d
My son was the same, we finally got a diagnosis of Adhd and ODD. Use nanny cams that way you have something to show the doctor/therapist. It will get better I promise!
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Your not a bad mom and your not alone!
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Record it and take her back to a behavioral health doctor.
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Sounds like my sister she always so abusive to me & my parents just brushed it off !!
Set up cameras with video without her knowing. There is truly something wrong with her. Let the family take care of her for the summer and see how she is with them for a couple months.
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there’s something deeper going on & you resenting her wont help… get to the core of the issue… maybe a mentor or counseling…
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Send her to treatment. A behavioral Heath facility
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I can tell you are extremely frustrated, as any parent would be.
I feel like I need more context here on order to give my input. Is this new behavior? If so, can you pinpoint when it changed? Have there been any recent changes in her life?
A lot of times it is easy for someone, anyone, to identify the behavior but it takes a little more thinking and digging sometimes to know and understand what the trigger is/was for the behavior.
I would absolutely continue to bring her to a counselor, specifically one that deals with children. I would also find reputable resources such as peer reviewed articles if you’re going to read up on your own or reach out to her pediatrician before you consider doing any kind of medications.
It is medically proven that trauma physically alters the mind of children. It’s scary to me to think of putting medications into a child’s body when they are so young.
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My daughter was that way! I tried counseling,meds, everything. She was a teenager… just a bad teen. It was hard but she got past it
Record in secret and show her therapist/psychologist/whoever. If she’s perfect for everyone else but you guys, clearly something is going on.
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Record your child to show how they act to the therapist.
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She needs in-patient therapy
Sounds to me like she needs some love.
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My mother went through this with me dr said odd bipolar adhd etc you name it my mom did it I was simply an ass hole child I turned out to be a successful nurse wife mother of two and sincerely apologizing to my mother while I raise my daughter 
hang in there mama it will all work out sending comfort and hugs 
right mom? Carol A. Carnevale
Family therapy… with video of behaviors… oppositional defiant disorder… conduct disorder… parent coaching would be very helpful
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Give her a kick in the fanny
Install cameras all over the house without her knowing that they are there. Then, when the movies are shown to educators, maybe they will believe you and treat her.
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What do her teachers say about her in class? If there is a problem with her failing and not doing her work that tells me there is something going on like a d h d or Autism or something. The camera is a great idea so that you can show the doctors her behavior. I will pray for her because she is suffering inside and I understand your suffering as well
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Better start video tape her abusive actions. Before the school sends CPS to your house when she lies about being treated mean. That way you have proof.
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GET CAMERAS AND HIT RECORD ! Cover yourselves with proof … don’t let her know
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Praying for all of you.
lack of disipline at home, and teachers need to send home a not of daily problems, and deal with that at home…
Video her, like home surveillance system.
oh my Goodness my heart goes out to you I agree with Brittney Jones & would get a nanny cam without her knowing,this way you have proof of her actions,she knows what she’s doing scense she doesn’t do it with company. is there not a cousin or someone that can come & spend the week-end so you can get some relief from her actions ? prayers for you !! it’s not going to change until she gets help !!
You need to get a decent amount of footage and take her back to a therapist with the tapes.
Also you and your husband need to be open and willing to individual therapy for each of you and family therapy as a group.
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Unpopular opinion. I feel like she’s ran your lives and she’s not scared of you Bc your punishments aren’t really punishments. I’ve seen it a lot where parents let there kids get away with things growing up and they turn awful. I put my kids in the corner, spank them, put them in there room and close the door, but I’ve had the same structure since they were small and was never afraid to say no or put them in the corner when needed and do not let them back talk. Bc my question is, why is she hitting you?? That’s learned behavior or behavior that has never been corrected.
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I would seek out a cognitive behavioral therapist. Someone who specializes in this specific behavior. My ex’s daughter displayed same behaviors. I took her to a therapist and feared he wouldn’t be able to see through her bs but he did. After one appointment he said she had personality disorder written all over her and suggested a cognitive therapist. I would start there.
You need a different approach shes definately dealing with something and cant even go to you about it i would set up camaras everywhere that she is arround so you can catch any signs of the abuse she says is happening maybe you are over looking it but she needs more help than you do shes just a kid dealing with life because clearly you cant aven teach her how to do it since you are saying you have these mental breakdowns and its alright to have them whats not ok is you not being there for her when she needs you
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Sorry 9 year olds don’t lie about abuse 
and the fact your saying you resent your actual CHILD is a red flag.
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It seems to me that your daughter is going through and having emotions overwhelm her. This can bc of something that is happening to her, perceptions that she has, or chemical imbalances that are the cause of these episodes. She needs to be in therapy at least once a week for as long as it takes for a therapist to see and figure out what is wrong and is needed. It can take a very long time for a person in therapy to be comfortable and trusting of their therapist. You’re not resenting your daughter but are resentful of the situation. Kids show behavioral problems at home for a couple of reasons. Either it’s an uncomfortable feeling they have while in the home and are so overwhelmed that they can’t hold back their emotions and actions or it’s bc home is the only place they feel secure enough to release what they’re feeling. It takes a professional to figure that out. You, yourself, are overwhelmed and emotional and can’t have an unbiased perception at this point. Therapy for yourself on how to manage is a good idea as well.
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I would put cameras up. My cousin has to do that cause of her kiddos.
She might be on the spectrum and not know how to deal with her emotions.
Therapy and a good doctor for mental illness.
As far as school just let it go maybe if she ends up having to repeat whatever grade she is and seeing her friends move on except her she’ll change as far as school. Try setting a routine for her like get up eat do chores, clean her room, and maybe she can read on her down time but that’s it. Tell her if she wants to act out and not listen then she doesn’t deserve to have fun. I would also look into children’s therapy.
ODD. OPPOSITIONAL Defiance DISORDER. AND GOOD LUCK
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Um. Theres nothing right about this post.
Take the door off her room.
If she changes how she acts, she absolutely knows she is doing it. I agree with camera’s.
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Start actually being a parent for 1. Spank and discipline her. Spanking a child is NOT abuse. If you don’t correct this now, she will be in trouble all of her adult life with the legal system. Be a parent and not the child’s friend. I spank my children when its needed and they are very respectful. People has actually come up to me and told me how well behaved my kids are.
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Hang in there, mama! Sometimes they just need more love. 
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Maybe something at school? Or what is really behind that curtain. Actions have reason
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I’m going to set it straight and people might hate me or have an opinion on what I’m saying, but from my prospective she knows that feeling negative about her. It is so detrimental to a child for them to feel hated by their parents. I would spend 1 on 1 time with her and make time for her, let her help you cook and build a better relationship with her, j think she acts out for attention, with depression I can imagine sometimes you’ve had enough and it’s hard, but girl I’m a single parent of 4 with one child being autistic/adhd and I would not be punishing my children for certain behaviours that seem to be for attention. When she’s annoyed give her 5 mins calm time on her own, then go talk to her, she’s 9!! Ask her how she feels, her feelings are also valid, it’s not the old days ‘children should been seen and not heard’ children need their feelings validated or they will behave this way.
Threatening and taking things away works in certain situations, but they will not work in regards to school work, she will resent it and this is why you are seeing this behaviour. She’s not feeling validated which is confusing her, making her feel like she can’t win either way, children tend to consistently lie when they know the parents will give a punishment or be annoyed, instead I say to mine I’d rather know the truth that way we can speak about it. Don’t make everything into a debate bexause it doesn’t need to be this way. Don’t expect miracles overnight, praise the little things even if she looks at the homework and doesn’t do it, good girl for looking maybe we can come back to this later.
Hope things improve for you
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I have a step grandson that’s like this he has ADHD & other, I started recording him then he acted like a good child while videoing him, he is 9 as well, tried rewarding him for good behavior & everything else, hopefully they do grow out of their defiance, good luck 
It might help if you have a camera set up in your home ( where she knows nothing about it) & record her doing these things. You then have proof. I know someone who had to do this to get her relatives & friends realize that this bad stuff was really happening etc. Even took the tape to show the drs.
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I would let her skip school for one day and maybe have a day of one on one time doing things that she enjoys. Try giving her extra attention and affection. Compliment her. Show her so much love. Don’t show her you’re annoyed with her or stressed.
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Could there be any type of abuse from ANYONE???
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Set up cameras when she isn’t there.
Play them back for her doctor’s to see, without her knowing about them.
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I would keep her in therapy in Psychiatry she probably has split personality bipolar or something else. It’s a long road but don’t give up.
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Put her on Beyond Scared Straight show
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Her feelings matter, she goes to school and tells them how she feels - not stories- your narrative of her is terrible. Your meanness is covert and she can absolutely feel how you really feel about her and that’s incredibly sad.
I would research gentle parenting because no doubt she is wanting CONNECTION and punishment is not going to be the answer here.
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