72 hour psych evaluation 
Being a parent is the most challenging job I’ve ever had .
Sending hugs and prayers.
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Maybe a child psychiatrist would help
It sounds like you‘really doing all you can do.might be that you should have started at an earlier age. Praying for ya’ll and her!
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My cousin was the same and was diagnosed with bipolar and got medicated, world of difference. Could also be oppositional defiant disorder. How is she in school? Problems there? Like others suggested, get cameras.
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Get you come indoor camera and put then up inside the house. Have it all recorded send it to her therapist. If need be show it to who ever u need to to get her help. Something is going on and she is taking it out on y’all.
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Lived it. It’s likely mental illness if what you’re saying is legit. (That you are basically good parents and follow through with punishment)
Calls the police/jail and get her into a scared straight seminar .
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BPD. It’s still not too late to get her help. Family counseling I would suggest too. Good luck I went through the same thing with my daughter. I wish I would have gotten her help earlier. 🫶🏻🫶🏻🫶🏻
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Can people stop recommending spanking? Like what is going on. This child clearly needs help, not a whack.
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Firstly I want to hug you and to say well done for expressing how you feel ! We as parents are human too ya know ! I am going through a similar thing too atm with my 15 year old and also have a 7 year old with extra needs and also other things going on ! I can’t offer any helpful advice atm because I’m new to this too but I’m happy to say my inbox is open anytime if only I can offer just an ear atm xxx this goes to anyone in here xx
This is very much how ADHD can present itself in girls. I would look into getting a neuropsychological evaluation completed. Also, instead of time out try a calm down corner where there are all kinds of things that can help regulate her emotions/body. If she wants to break/throw things give her ice. Or just have her hold it. The drastic cold helps regulate the body and brings people out of fight or flight mode.
Also, I’m saying this in a “gentle tone” I guarantee she knows you don’t particularly like her. When she senses thid it will trigger fight or flight. Figure out ways the best you can to calm yourself too.
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And as far as all these negative comments, obviously your not a parent or you think you’re a perfect one, because at some point or another every parent feels hopeless and ready to throw in the towel. As mothers we need to be here to pick each other up. We have enough weight on our shoulders as it is.
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Get her to a natural doctor and get her vitamin and minerals checked
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Have a family member that she trusts talk to her and ask her what’s really going on. Maybe something is going on at school
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Is something going on at school you don’t know about and when she home she just loads on you because you are her safe place that she can my daughter would be really good in school and around other people but home she was a terror because home was her safe place to unload
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Have you tried positive reinforcement for behaviors that are acceptable? I once had a child in my classroom who had severe behavioral issues and had a team of specialist come and assist me. They gave me some things to do that helped reenforce the good behaviors. It went against everything I knew and was taught previously, but once I started some of the techniques in my classroom it made for a world of difference. It didn’t work overnight and it did not fix all issues, but it really helped me and the children in my classroom. We still did timeouts, but it was more like a cool down in a safe space. We would state the behaviors we liked instead of the ones we didn’t. We would phrase things differently for example, “Please put your feet on the floor.” Instead of “Get off the table!” and “Please use gentle hands” or “It hurts me when you do that. Instead of “Don’t hit!” Mind you I worked with younger children, but it really did make things easier to cope with in the long run. Best of luck to you and your family.
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I can tell you this a 9 year old can not hide her bad behavior for very long. Keep a journal and keep taking her to a therapist and share your journal
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Kids know when their parents hate or even resent them, they are people too. I have a “perfect” son, and a “difficult” one and I also got to a point with him that I just had it. My husband and I alternate daily with time spent by ourselves with each child doing things, building leggos together, cooking dinner together, going for walks around the block and just communicating better. Get to know your child. Sometimes we get stuck on the just parenting part and yelling and crying and all the stress that goes along with it. She is your daughter and it sounds to me like she knows she’s resented…so I would start there. Get to know her…she’s still a person.
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Sounds like ODD, my son was diagnosed with it about this age.
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Look at Super Nanny—the British & American versions for ideas.
Focus on one behavior at a time & hammer home the message before moving on to another. You have to be forceful, super consistent, and persistent. Nothing is going to change in a week, and you have to react the same way each time over and over and over and over again until it registers in muscle memory for each of you. Whatever you decide to do, you can’t waver.
Ask your librarian for recommendations. I read one book called “Your Difficult Child” that I found really helpful. Also research various symptoms on- and offline to get ideas for diagnoses & treatments.
Also, get her involved with others as much as possible to give you a break: play dates, scouting, sports, the arts, church/spiritual practices & activities where someone else is primarily in charge of her behavior.
Additionally the more exercise everyone in the family gets, the better everyone will feel. If you can exhaust her she’ll be too tired to fuss so much. Swimming indoors or out, trampoline parks, gymnastics class, kid aerobics or hip hop dance. Ballet is kind of static and rigid, but West African dance is vigorous. Check out “Girls on the Run” too. It’s not only great exercise, but a great empowerment program.
Or go the other way & get her to kids meditation, yoga, or Tai chi classes, breath work, working with horses, gardening, boating or walking in nature to help her calm down.
My son had violin lessons for emotional and artistic expression, soccer & football for exhaustion, church services and activities for spiritual development, church mission trips to help develop compassion, and karate classes for self-control, focus & discipline. He also had great families and friends he could talk to when he didn’t want to talk to us. My daughter might have seem d difficult if we had her first, but compared to our son she was easier.
Get her involved in something outside of herself: an environmental cause, making meals for the homeless, helping at an animal shelter or in a church nursery, making hygiene boxes for refugees, being a pen pal to a sponsors child, helping with Habitat for Humanity, Christmas in April, disaster relief, monitoring weather or water for research, or collecting books, funds, or supplies for needy children locally or globally.
Get therapy for yourself to help you weather the relentless onslaught of her behavior. Do YOU have outside activities that feed your soul? Do you get girls time with friends? Do you have a meditation, gratitude, or journaling practice? How about her dad? You can’t pour from an empty cup.
Also sounds like the doctors and therapists you worked with may not be a good fit. But also ask them if you and her dad are unconsciously contributing to your daughter’s behavior. Ask advice from others who interact with her about what they find works or triggers her bad behavior. Are you projecting fear & anxiety and she’s reacting to that? Do take care of yourselves too!
Maybe try alternative medicine too: massage including Reiki, chiropractic, homeopathics, traditional Chinese medicine or Ayurveda, for example.
Every action/treatment has to be done consistently for at least three months to see any effect, and only do one at a time to be able to see if it brings any changes. Ask others to let you know if they see any change in behavior.
Also look into diet. Take it down to the basics and add one new food every week to check for reactions. Be an avid label reader. Dyes, dairy, nuts, acidic foods, sugar, and artificial ingredients can all be triggers.
How does she sleep? People who don’t sleep well can have all sorts of problems.
Good luck. My son was REALLY challenging. but eventually he got better, and while he can be particular and stubborn, he’s an awesome, productive adult with a wonderful wife. My daughter has also turned into a fabulous adult. It really does take a village to raise kids though!
she’ll be that way as an adult.
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Call me old fashioned…name call me…be a Karen….idc. Do you know why I survived childhood? Because, if I had even thought about acting like that; my mother would have knocked me into next week.
My friends child acts this way. He was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. His mother had to show the Nanny Cam footage to believed.
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This was how my daughter, 11, who has ADHD-inattentive subtype- and ODD tendencies, was. She’s gone through a lot of therapies, we restructured our parenting and changed meds and she’s thriving now. A year ago she was so out of control and our home was a war zone. I don’t even recognize how she was with the kid she is today. I would seek other opinions from therapists, and MD’s who specialize in child psychology. We got a Nuero-Psych eval done last year and it really helped paint a good picture of what we were up against.
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It sounds like she may be “acting out” bcs of something….is everything ok for her at school with classmates and other students, is someone at school bullying her, these are the types of questions that I ask mine when I notice odd behavior from them….she may have something going on that she’s scared to talk about 
and acting out is the only way she knows to express herself (persay)…then again if she is hanging around older kids, she may be mimicking what she sees them doing, thinking it’s ok bcs her friends do it……it could be a range of things at her age….I would definitely talk to her and try to get her to talk about what’s goin on though (it can be like pulling teeth sometimes, but stick to it) that way you’ll have some sort of idea what you’re up against!
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My mother didn’t like me much made it very clear. After my Dad died she said well now I’ll have to deal with you and I never cared for you.
Now I’m Power of attorney funny how things work out
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Put up cameras and record her behavior so you can show the therapist right in front of her and see if you can get somewhere then. Is she mad about something? From what you say I feel she has anger issues or like she may be angry about something. Was there a divorce or something that has impacted her behavior? She sounds like she wants attention for something? I pray for healing for all of you. 
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Record it and show it to the therapist. The therapist will have to see the behaviors to diagnose especially if the child only does this around you and your spouse. If one therapist or psychologist doesn’t help find a different one. Is it any better during summer break? If it is she might getting bullied at school and taking it out on you because she knows you’re safe. My son has really bad adhd and would act out really bad after school until he got in medicine. My nephew had behavior problems due to bullying. Ask her about her days ask her teacher about her friends out a recorder on her if she allows it so you can hear what’s going on.
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Scare her straight have a friend of yours or your husband that she doesn’t know come to your house with bogus papers for a boarding school she will be going to away from home. Have your daughter attend this bogus meeting with the friend. Have a pen handy tosign the bogus papers. Do this on a Friday and tell her Monday she goes to the new school all you have to do is sign the papers. Play bad cop good cop one wants to send her the others doesn’t. If she doesn’t behave over the weekend Pretend to sign the paper both of you. If that doesn’t straighten her out your screwed!
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A little butt whipping goes along ways
You’ve just described my situation to a T with my step son 
Hoping I get some advice on this thread as well… praying for you:pray: Its so hard
I agree with recording it and taking it to doctors to show home
Life, I also recommend getting a counselor for your self and your partner as this amount of stress is not good for you, and it will give you somewhere to vent and get coping techniques also.
I would also try setting up some nanny cams to see if you can get an accurate portrayal of how she is acting for the therapist/etc. I would also definitely try another therapist if you feel like things are stagnant. Just like any other job, there are good therapists and bad therapists. Don’t give up! I’m sure you feel exhausted and at the end of your rope and that’s understandable. Just know that you aren’t alone, this type of thing is more common than ppl think, & keep trying.
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I agree with someone else here. I think cameras to catch her behavior at home so the RIGHT physician can see. She definitely has a disorder that needs to be identified.
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Hit her back hard with vengeance
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Video it. Great cameras they have to stick in hidden spot.
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You ever heard of the old woodshed out back ? USE IT
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Maybe you and her dad could take a parenting course? Not that I’m saying it’s stemming from home, but more of knowing how to handle her outbursts. She’s 9 and very reachable.
She could have something like borderline personality disorder or bipolar perhaps. Some things are hard to diagnose. I would put cameras in your home to record these things because she may cause you legal issues for her lies
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She sounds like she’s already really good at being manipulative
I feel like a good sit down over ice cream maybe. Giving her a self care & you as well so maybe y’all can learn other strategies to cope with what y’all both feel. (Clearly she’s secretly bottled up & doesn’t want to speak in it or confide yet) I’m not sure how old she is but I’d def try that. Maybe getting nails & toes done. Or something she’d seem to enjoy doing. As well as letting her open up. My daughter has had an attitude problem on and off, hence it’s just me her little brother my family… I do spank, at times, but with her being 8, lately it’s been helping with me giving examples on how if she acts like this, it’s no different than the bully at school. & bullies normally become very mean abusive adults. I’m not sure if she’s been around anyone like that. But with my situation, I was able to reference “well do you wanna be like so & so when you grow up? Mean all the time. Yelling. Slamming doors?” Children are also learning how to cope with things… & I’m a young mom of 2, I have childhood trauma. & i also, explain that to her as well (in more child form) , that I too , could’ve been & could be very mean & the same way.
I’m not saying spanking, taking things away etc isn’t a good way. 100% I’ve done all of those as well. But this has definitely helped break down a lot for her and I as well. & it’s ok to come to wits end . WE ARE HUMAN. I still have nights where I feel like I’m failing, but that doesn’t mean you are. If anything you’re trying so hard not to & THATS volume.
It’s sounds like it could possibly be ADHD, ODD, or even borderline personality disorder, a few other things come to mind. My best advice is to record the home, day to day behaviors, just normal life, have it and find a therapist for ALL of you that will work with a psychiatrist and/or even other doctor’s if any test need done. If I child has certain diagnosis or not, but behavior issues, it is important that the parents are also taught to handle/cope and learn better ways to parent the child, according to the child’s needs. It could be also that from some reason the child despises you and your husband OR feels like y’all despise her, which would make her act out towards the two of you… that or it is much worse, bc she knows how to control it around others, but then add in that kids tend to feel more “safe” to act however at home, than other places. That doesn’t make y’all bad parents. It means you need to get the correct support and SHOW them the behaviors and you all could learn how to better cope or handle the situation. Don’t give up. She is only 9 and she needs your help now.
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Behavior and “acting out” is always a bid for connection. Lean in vs act out too (matching her energy) & see what your daughter is asking for. You might notice an improvement in behavior when her relationship with you is mended.
The fact that you’re saying you’re starting to resent her may also mean you’re showing her that you do. She prob thinks you don’t like her. Get to know you and get to know her.
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Discipline is essential in the early years otherwise here you are !
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Is boot camp still a thing?
Sounds like personality disorder and I’d put cameras in the house and not tell her about them and then show doctors
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i think that you both have to take her a doctor whom works in the field of disorders !by the sounds of this she need serious help and not from her parents either ! whatever the doctor recommends that u do with her at home i would seriously do !
Sounds like maybe you’re the one with the problem. Maybe you need to take a look at your parenting and the environment you create at home and how you treat her as a person. She’s probably reacting to you and that’s why no one else has problems with her.
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I agree with most of these answers. But 2 get started I would be speaking with her teachers and school psychologists whoever you can think of that might help to see what kind of behaviors are dealing with in school. If they think she’s an angel at school then yes something connected to something that you have not done to help her in her eyes quite possibly sexual abuse or bullying
Maybe ODD or ADHD?!!
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Time for a new smaller school or potential home school. Have her tested. And in the meanwhile try real punishment as in spanking that bottom. Take her stuff away. As in TV, phone , games, extra curricular activities, stop doing anything extra for her as soon as she acts like a jerk. Be consistent . You have to do it every time. No matter what else is going on. My son went through an awful stage and he started out every day w NO privileges no extras at all. The extras or privileges for that day were earned by getting up , dressed, schoolwork, and any other responsibilities . Without creating a hassle or being disrespectful. He couldn’t even take care of his own stuff. So guess what if he acted out and destroyed a toy or furniture in his room - it did not get replaced . And wouldn’t until he could show me for an extended amount of time that he had changed. At one point he had just a mattress and a broken down dresser in his room because he had broken everything else. While his siblings had nice rooms ( and things) and got rewarded for their responsible and good behavior
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Group home lol or give her the wooden spoon to the ass and be like now you can go speak the truth 
Tell that your sorry things are so rough at home. Bring out boxes and tell her start packing her clothes, TV, Stereo, Toys, etc. That you will call the authorities to take her to a group home or foster care. That you hope she can keep everything that she has as she goes thru the system. Tell her that you love her and only want to make her happy. Did that to my daughter and her attitude changed real quick. Just make it sound like your serious. Don’t play her game…
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Record the behavior. Put cameras up in your house.
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This may sound bad but as a parent put your foot down.use corporal punishment and whoop that ass. Show her who’s in charge… bc she sure as hell shouldn’t be.
Maybe you all need to try family therapy & get a parent life coach. She can probably feel the disdain that your feeling & is acting out because she isn’t feeling connected or some other need isn’t being met. Go to therapy and figure out what it is. You need to be a safe space for her to feel her emotions & hiding emotions all day and around certain people can be exhausting (and could be why she’s just unloading frustration at home.
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I would make videos of her acting up. I would also get counseling for both of you- separately.
All I thought of reading this was… Supernanny!
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She hates you for some
Reason 
y’all need family therapy
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record it, then show the doctors & get some type of treatment. if that doesn’t work, maybe consider sending her to a group home? it helped my sister sooo much
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Family therapy. It’s never just one’s behavior it’s always everyone involved behaviors. She’s feeling a certain type of way to only be treating you guys differently.
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Well. First off. Mama needs a break. Burn out is real!! Then when your cup is full then you can handle her challenges much better with a clear head. Then. I’d say a much more regular therapist. Not one that’s just going to screen her. But one to help her learn to communicate not act out…
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Take her to church and pray
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Natural consequences are an amazing tool … treat her like a human and let her see what happens when we dnt shower or when we fail a grade. Etc
It sounds to me like she’s just looking for alittle control of her own life so let her have it.
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My son is not much older and he does the exact same things. I’ve even dealt with soiled underwear/pants and CPS. He has 3 counselors and we all work together. One goes to the school and sees him as well as getting updates from teacher, one is helping him with anger management (big huge help!) And one counsels me and my parents on how to deal with him while telling him this is what’s expected. There’s also a program in my area that will allow me to put my child in front of a judge (in his chambers) have my child sign a contract and if he breaks the contract, he gets a visit from probation officer and gets treated like a criminal. Best part is, it doesn’t go on his record.
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So kids act out more while at home they say it is because it’s the safe place. I would literally ignore her make something simple to eat place it in the fridge with her name so she can get it when hungry. And I would literally ignore her anything she says and does asks for everything. Just get her to school and while she is there clean out everything besides bed and some clothes and let her see how her actions have consequences. Then pick her up show her she has food in the fridge and make sure all the snack and goodies are put away only healthy choices and take photos. Also call the school and let them know what is going on and what you are going to try. So if she is coming in super dirty or stinky they are aware. As soon as she doesn’t have the attention and not getting anything extra. She might change the attitude then when she starts listening to basic things like it’s bed time it’s shower time. Give her something of her back. Also put a dead lock on the top of the door so she cant reach but you can lock the front door. So she can’t just run away.
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A swat on the butt. This is unacceptable behavior.
I suggest having a Doctor provide a “genesight” cheek swab test done on her and begin the process of Antipsychotics, I truly mean that lightly. I understand medication isn’t for everyone. But the blood test is newer and it includes mood stabilizers, antidepressants, Anti-anxiety and a few more. This will give you a guideline, simple and quick result of what medication might work for her. The blood work will take 6-8 weeks to come back, but it’s so so effective. I carry the packet in my purse to share with others how much it can help with mental illness - if this is her case?
The results range in the category of red, yellow, “green”. Which green will work best and try those.
I have 7 children and did a mood stabilizers (which I had no clue existed) for one of our kiddos who had similar behaviors and it truly helped tremendously!
*I understand this method isn’t for everyone, it’s just a thought. Google genesight test. It’s truly remarkable.
Good luck mama!
I’m sorry but I feel this exact way and in the same boat lol. My daughter is 11 and started her period and LORD HAVE MERCY ON ME. Don’t feel bad for being at your whits end because girl same.
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Idk but my sister going through same thing and let me tell you I know this little girl learned a lot of this behavior watching YouTube it’s crazy how she knows how to work them when she stays with me she does not act like this they see how she is when she around me and I don’t play her games but no matter what they do to her or for her she really acts out now she is 13 and things are worse now I sure wish she could get help for her it’s awful to watch my sister go through this but what is even worse is how this girl can turn it on and off so be careful laws have changed and last thing you need is for the cops knocking at your door back in the day a good old fashion spanking would fix that right now but now you can’t even raise a hand to a child if you’re child is watching YouTube or TikTok take that shit away don’t let them watch that crap video taping is a good idea so you have proof of what she is putting you through don’t tell her you are doing this
If all else fails, send her to a boarding school…
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Prayers, Love & hugs
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It’s a phase and I’d gladly take that phase back. I’d keep taking to therapy to be honest. It takes awhile to develop a relationship with the therapist and get to the root of the problem. Just try and keep boundaries to the best of your ability. I pretty much just had to disown my 16 year old because he did not good things to his 5 year old baby sister. I would trade you in a heartbeat for this problem. My heart is shattered!!
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Video her next time for proof… don’t give up on her… there’s always a reason why she’s acting like this…
Take her to a councelor
It is time to video her.
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my grand son is going thru the same thing i think they pick it up at school it seems like the kids between 12 and 16 are all acting out these days
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Put up the camera and let it record her …They have the secret camera to put up . Video record her …
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Prayers momma……record it….it Maybe ODD and ADHD
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You just labeled my 8 year old daughter. Lies, steals, and is super manipulative. This is gonna sound mean but try spending time with her. You’re not a bad mom. Just busy. It made a absolute difference in my daughter.
Also, take away all the stimulations of the music and tv shows and watch Little Bear for a week. It will make a difference in the entire home.
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Get her into therapy. There is probably more going on in her head then you think. Maybe some family sessions also. It’s okay to be overwhelmed but you need to take some steps to fix it before it’s too late
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Omg. I have same with my son.
Have you tried just talking to her. Try ti remember what it was like like you were her age and your parents took things from you when you misbehaved, How tou felt when you were yelled at or disciplined. There are deeper issues goin on with her, she is seeking your attention in ways that are destructive, try to get to the root of her emotions and tour’s.
Find a good therapist and stick with it. Maybe she needs someone to vent to thats not family. Do things that she’s interested in spend quality time with her make her feel special and show her that you can be her friend.
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Get cameras and put them throughout the house without her knowledge except bathrooms of course. Get recordings of her behavior and then take that to the therapists.
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Wear their butt out.
Gunna have to put the pedal to the medal and do what u should did along time ago when it first started and spank your little heart away. She obviously knows she can walk all over u
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Honestly sounds like she may be ADHD or autistic. For some reason they stopped diagnosing girls for those things at a young age bc “only boys have that” which is wrong we just show it differently. I’d try to do a full psychological evaluation, but find someone who can make it a game instead of something she’ll hate.
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My granddaughter is the same since about 10… have you tried a residential placement with dual diagnosis therapies? These seem to work the best with the entire family’s.
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Cameras!!! Then once you have evidence of her behavior take her to the police station and talk to an officer while showing the video and they would probably tell her her actions will have consequences and the police will eventually be the ones to handle it, and it will not be a walk in the park or how you the parents handle her actions.
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Been run over by that train… You don’t have to justify your feelings to anybody! Tough love was the only way we were able to live our lives. Granted she’s young but as she gets older the behaviors will intensify! Hang in there! Prayers your way!
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This is what happen when you don’t show respect to your kids when they’re little, you can spank them here and there sometime and it’s not going to affect them……Try praying for her
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Put cameras up that she doesn’t know about. Record these behaviors then go to a therapist and try again but with the videos. Could help them to figure hernout
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If nothing else works… try recording her episodes, without a big scene…even if on a cell phone… even if you don’t show her face so she doesn’t know it’s recording… then maybe therapists can see/hear and know how to help etc but also so you have proof for family/doctors etc that you aren’t making it up and you need help with her…
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I suggest hiding cameras and filming how she acts then show this to doctors because she’s putting on a face for them if she’s unaware she will show her true self
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You feel like a bad mom bcuz you are a bad mom…
But, you can still become a good one. Research unconventional discipline methods. Try getting to really know her and get past her walls to why she’s acting out like she is.
You haven’t tried everything. You’ve tried very little and have a very narrow view of discipline techniques.
Good luck
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I am so sorry you are going through this, Just keep doing what you’re doing, you are not a bad mom, you’re a tired mom who needs a break. Keep doing what you can, Love her as much as you can, and try to get her into therapy
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I have two kids exactly like this I’m sorry you’re not alone and it starts around 9 and my oldest is almost 16 and starting to mellow out a bit
Take a video of her whit out her noing it’s then show her how she acting show its to all that’s involved in her life maybe that’s would help
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